Shocking! Simply Shocking! Pass the Chips.

Once (probably more than once, actually) I called New York politics stupid. Another time, I called New York State Senator Martin Espada a Dickhead.

See, when I do that, Google Alerts informs some intern in Martin Espada's office that a ranty blogger with six readers is calling Martin names again. No one really cares.

Today's news, however, is slightly bigger than being named Dickhead by B&E. Someone with actual power (in this case Andrew Cuomo, New York's current Attorney General and, everyone assumes, New York's next governor) is suing Majority Leader Espada for funneling millions of dollars from his health care nonprofit toward his personal expenses. Dinner? The nonprofit will pay for that. Campaign expenses? Let the nonprofit take care of it. Family vacations to Vegas and Florida and Puerto Rico? Yeah, that's what nonprofits are for!

I mean, shit. The suit even alleges that Martin had a severance package ready for triggering that would give him $9 million and bankrupt the nonprofit.

Oh, Martin Espada... When you shut down the New York Senate for your own personal empowerment last year, you were a Dickhead, no doubt. And man, I sure can't wait to be able to call you Shitbird too.

Gosh, you're a loathsome creature.

UPDATE LATER: Please exchange the name Martin for Pedro throughout this post. There's a pretty big difference. Apologies to the poet Martin Espada, who wrote Alabanza. That'll teach me to write when I'm tired.

That Shit Was Already Expensive

So this New York councilman has been indicted on corruption charges, and one little detail is getting a lot of attention.

Bronx councilman Larry Seabrook apparently doctored a receipt for a bagel and soda, so that instead of the original $7, it cost $177.

I've bought my share of bagels over the years, and I tell you what: I'm just as shocked by the $7 receipt as I am by the $177 doctoring of the receipt.

Even if he got a fancy shmear, that bagel shouldn't have been more than $3 (and indeed should have been closer to $2). And let's assume that he ran up the bill with a two-liter bottle of soda, rather than the 12 oz. can or 20 oz. bottle that most unhealthy people drink. Being really liberal with prices, the whole thing shouldn't have been even $6.

Councilman, you need to find yourself a better bagelry. You're being overcharged.

Greed in Privatization? No Way!

I've been meaning to get to this little story since last week because it's really grossly offensive. The short of it:

A couple of judges pleaded guilty to taking millions of dollars in kickbacks from privately run juvenile detention centers in Pennsylvania. In other words, they threw kids in prison for cash. Well done, justices, you unbelievable pricks.

But while the focus is on these corrupt Dickhead (now Shitbird) judges, maybe we should take a bit of a timeout and remember that the privately run juvenile detention centers in Pennsylvania gave a couple of judges millions of dollars. You see, the privately run juvenile detention centers get paid per head by the state of Pennsylvania, so they need bodies. What better way to get bodies than to pay off the people who decide what bodies go there?

Kids who did little more than deserve perhaps an at-home suspension ended up spending months in freakin' juvie.

Call it a few bad apples, they got caught, and blah blah blah. The fact is privatization in prisons is a breeding ground for corruption.

I know this is America, but seriously, not everything here should be for-profit. Prisons - especially prisons for kids - shouldn't be for-profit. Come on, privatizers. That's enough.

A Cuff? He's Only Got a Cuff?!

So this whole Bernard Madoff (pronounced "made off" much to the pleasure of the 24-hour news networks, which have taken us through enough "Madoff with billions" jokes to last a lifetime) story is old, and my comments are late. What are you gonna do? I'm busy.

It's a Ponzi Scheme! I had to look up "Ponzi Scheme" on Wikipedia because the elite media I read assumes I already know how it works. In case you, my readers, are as uninformed and ignorant as I am, a Ponzi Scheme has no relation to the Fonzie Scheme, in which Arthur Fonzarelli gets as many girlfriends as he can by banging his fist on the jukebox to get it to play a top hit of the 50s.

In a Ponzi Scheme, high returns are paid to investors with money from new investors coming in. That is, the money isn't actually earning any sort of yield. And like any pyramid scheme, Ponzi Schemes are destined to fail. So that's a very simple explanation and about all my bald head can absorb.

So Bernard Madoff with billions! AAAAH HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!

One of Madoff's (many) exceptionally wealthy investors was the Wilpon family. Fred and Jeff Wilpon are the father and son ownership of the New York Metropolitan Baseball Club.

As of this moment, the Wilpons are insisting that their personal losses won't affect their investment in the team. And indeed, Omar Minaya has already signed Francisco Rodriguez and JJ Putz (heh... Putz...) in recent weeks. But those signings occurred before Bernard Madoff with their millions! AAAAAAH HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!

I don't see how this won't affect the Mets. Minaya isn't done yet with his off-season moves, and it's the Wilpons who determine what he can spend.

Let's throw the fucking book at this Bernard Madoff. He's Madoff with the hopes of New York Mets fans. See? I'm not laughing. Meanwhile, he's sitting in the comfort of his goddamned penthouse apartment under house arrest with a cuff around his ankle, the Dickheaded Shitbird.

Alright... A modest proposal... The Mets new stadium is Citi Field. Since Citigroup got a massive bailout and much of the stadium has been built from government bonds, as far as I'm concerned, the new Shea is already owned by the people. The Wilpons have taken a bath, and although they say they're not looking to sell the team (which could well be their most solid investment), I think it's time we consider some new owners.

Let's look to the Green Bay Packers, a nonprofit, community-owned professional football team, the only such team in professional sports. The Mets are almost there unofficially anyway. Let's make it official. It's time for our local community to own the New York Mets.

Yeah, like that'll ever happen. Dammit.

Dickhead of This Moment - Rod Blagojevich

Right, so it's not exactly a weekly feature anymore, but I think Governor Rod Blagojevich has proven himself to be quite a Dickhead, has he hot?

Yesterday, the Illinois governor was arrested because he was looking to sell President-Elect's Senate seat for some cold, hard cash (like the literally cold, hard cash found in William Jefferson's freezer) or some serious political favors. No high bidder? No problem. He'd just appoint himself to the seat.

This is pretty shocking stuff, not so much that he was doing it (I tend to assume that most politicians, particularly the powerful ones, are corrupt to some degree), but that it was so brazen. The wiretaps are full of expletives ("Fuck the Chicago Cubs!" says his wife), full of bribery (blackmailing the Tribune Company), and full of more expletives ("Fuck them!" says Rod, when he learns the Obama people won't give him anything but appreciation for naming their choice to the Senate seat).

Just the day before his arrest, he actually said, "Go ahead! Tape my conversations!" Well, they were. Oops.

What will continue to be interesting is whether or not the ripples of this Dickhead's actions will be felt in the incoming Obama Administration. After all, the two men served in the Illinois Statehouse together, are a part of the so-called Chicago Political Machine, and know many of the same people. Based on what I've read so far, it appears that Obama himself is not terribly close to Blago, but what about some of those Chicagoans around him?

They will either look like corrupt Dickheads themselves or, if they had anything at all to do with the assisting investigation against Blago, they'll look as clean as my scalp after a shower.

Blago, you remarkable Dickhead. How long before you're a shitbird?

For the Birds

If I had more time, I'd go into detail about the hypocrisy of President Bush's statement to the press regarding his commuting of Scooter Libby's prison sentence. After all, I don't think he had much concern for the families of all those death row inmates he killed while governor of Texas.

Instead I'll just point out that our kind president has now commuted the sentences of exactly six turkeys and one shitbird.

Lewis "Shitbird" Libby

That's right, B&E readers! No longer just "Scooter," Dick(head) Cheney's former Chief of Staff was sentenced to 30 months in prison! Judge and jury didn't buy his "bad memory" defense even though he put it on sale for cheap cheap cheap. See you in two-and-a-half years. Two-and-a-half years or a presidential pardon: whichever happens first.

There's also a $250,000 fine. And while that might seem like a lot of money to an everyday person, everyday people don't have political action committees raising money for them quite like Shitbird Libby does.

Ah, to be a crooked fat cat in Washington.

Official Shitbird - Bob Ney

That'll be 30 months, Bob.

The first of the Abramoff trials has come to an end, and former congressman Bob Ney will be the inaugural Shitbird. His decision to check into rehab didn't cut his sentence to nothing. In fact, the judge, in her infinite wisdom, gave Ney a tougher sentence than the justice department asked for.

What gives, DoJ? You're not famous for your leniency. Why be so nice to Shitbird Ney and request the minimum sentence?

Ney, for his part, hasn't stopped blaming his "demons of addiction" and implied that it was because of the drinking that he made such enormous mistakes.

Excuse me, Shitbird Ney. Back in college, I did some stupid shit while drunk. And all the drink did was allow me to know that I had an excuse for my stupid actions. So sell your "the drink made me do it" elsewhere. I'm not buying. I did stupid shit and I'm completely responsible for being stupid.

Thirty months in prison. Forever a shitbird.

Universal Jurisdiction

It's the weekend, so I'm finally able to do a little browsing on my regular news sites while the missus does a little sleeping in. I see that Time.com is claiming an "exclusive report" about a German court filing charges against Rumsfeld, Gonzalez, Tenet, and other Bush administration officials for "crimes against humanity."

Since I read about this very thing last weekend in the ever-reliable The Nation magazine, I fail to see how Time.com can claim an exclusive. But I'm not going to pretend to understand journalism any more than I'm going to pretend that I understand the law.

But keep your eye on the legal phrase "universal jurisdiction." It is under this premise that the German court is filing its charges. The Nation introduced me to this concept back in October, as it relates to former Chilean dictatorship Augusto Pinochet and former Guatemalan president Efraín Ríos Montt.

It is through universal jurisdiction that domestic courts can prosecute criminals outside their own countries. (In that way, the words "universal jurisdiction" mean exactly what they say. Amazing how language can do that, even in the legal system.)

So you know that torture bill that President Bush just signed into law? There's a silver lining among the waterboarding and beatings. It appears that the unconscionable passing of the bill has become evidence itself in the German case against the Bush administration. Why does the US need to protect itself from war crimes prosecution if they're not committing war crimes?

While the sentences from these trials are hard to enforce, the possibility of prosecution is kept open. And let's face it: the political victory is in some ways as important as the actual prosecution. Half of the Bush administration will be seen by the world as the torturers they are.

I guess Germany has become (through experience?) experts on war crimes.

Add a Shitbird to the List

ney
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I could be wrong, but I don't think Representative Bob Ney has won the Dickhead of the Week award here at B&E. Terrible oversight on my part, dear readers, and for that I apologize. Especially since Bob Ney will be going to prison.

The New York Times is reporting that Bob "Shot In The" Ney will be the first elected official to plead guilty to crimes stemming from the Jack Abramoff investigation. Ney was one of the golfers on that infamous Scotland trip, and he is not running for re-election this fall due to stress related to the Abramoff "ordeal."

Meanwhile, Ney has checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation program. You see, he's not rotten to the core. No, no. His corruption goes only as far as his disease.

My favorite tidbit from the investigation that continues is that in financial disclosure statements he claimed to have won $34,000 at a private London casino. Coincidentally, Ney had about $34,000 in outstanding credit card debt. A lucky day, indeed!

And now I'll get petty, because it's fun to do that. I'm looking at this photo of Ney, and I can't help but feel the man wears a rug. Either that, or he's got some fucked up hair. Either way, I hope it's removed for his mug shot, which will inevitably appear on The Smoking Gun.

The Fuck Are You Smiling At?

delaymug
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Tom "The Trial I Must" DeLay is asking for a new judge because the current guy's a Democrat. You see, Democrats can't be impartial.

Meanwhile, to keep his enemies from having any political fodder, The Hammer smiled for his mugshot. I don't really understand why this offers less fodder. The mugshot's hilarious. And he looks as happy as I feel about his indictment.

Maybe they call him The Hammer because he's a fucking tool.

A Year In Prison

And I for one will miss her.

Bald and Once Effective

kozlowski
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

L. Dennis Kozlowski was convicted of stealing $150 million from Tyco. He was also found guilty of selling off inflated stock to the tune of an additional $430 million. As CEO, he was very effective at the stealing part. The getting away with it part? Not so much.

If greed is one of the deadly sins, how come Dennis doesn't get the death penalty?

Not Guilty!

Michael Jackson is not guilty of conspiracy and abduction, not guilty of child molestation, and not guilty of plying children with alcohol. He's also certainly not guilty of being strange or behaving at all strangely.

Nothing to see here, folks.