Reason #89 to Avoid Nightclubs

I never go to nightclubs in New York City. I have many reasons for avoiding them. A few at the top include the following:

- I don't much care for dancing.
- I tend to dislike crowds.
- I'm just not that into ecstasy and crystal meth.

There are other, smaller reasons as well:

- The bouncer probably wouldn't let me in.
- The pumping techno gives me headaches.
- Slutty, sweaty crowds are a Petri dish for syphilis.

So those are really just tip-of-the-iceberg reasons I avoid nightclubs. But thanks to Plaxico Burress, wide receiver of the New York Giants, I've got one more to add to the list...

I don't want to shoot myself in the leg.

I'm not sure that this is required behavior at a Manhattan hot spot, but I'm not taking any chances.

Some 1st-Grade Teachers Shouldn't Pack Heat

Beginning this fall, teachers in one Texas school district can bring guns to school.

I was a student in the Texas public school system for three-and-a-half years, and I think I'd have trusted only one of my teachers to keep a gun in the classroom. She was my kindergarten teacher, and she was the one who fell off a horse and missed most of the school year.

If my first grade teacher had been carrying, no one in our class would have made it out of the year alive. Hell, my mom and dad kept me in speech therapy longer than necessary (I stwuggled with my R's a bit) just to give me wespite from the tywanny of my fuhst gwade classwoom.

My second grade teacher liked me particularly well, so I think I'd have survived if she was packing, but man, she had a nasty temper, and I could totally see her shooting up the classroom.

My third grade teacher was a sweet woman who, if memory allows me to project, was probably a pacifist. She'd end up shot by my first or second grade teacher.

It was after that my family moved to Kansas. I don't think I'd have trusted any of the teachers at the Lutheran school I attended to keep a gun in the classroom, especially not the one from Texas. And at the public high school? Let's face it: who doesn't want to shoot a bunch of moody teenagers?