Tiger's Leaked Statement!

Well, B&E readers, if you're anything like me, you're pretty excited for Tiger Woods' first public statement later today. Have I got a treat for you! It's a leaked version of his statement! Who leaked it? I leaked it! How did I get my hands on it? It was never in my hands! It went right from my head to B&E!

So without further ado, here it is, Tiger Woods' leaked statement!

Hi. I'm Tiger Woods. I'm the best golfer of all-time. Arnold Palmer is a pussy. Tom Watson is a total fruitcake. And what is Lee Trevino, anyway? A Latino or Italian? Whatever. And don't even get me started on Phil Mickelson, that left-handed prick. Those guys can't golf. I golf. I'm a golfer. Those guys are just divots in the fairway of my life.

Anyway, I'm Tiger Fucking Woods. And not only do I golf, but I also make a lot of money. A lot. Tons of cash. Seriously. It's a lot of money. Dude, I have a deal with Chevron. It's a fucking oil company. They've got a lot of money too, and some of their money is going right to me. People say that Chevron pollutes and supports military dictatorships in Burma, but fuck those hippies. They're just jealous.

And they're not just jealous because I'm almost as rich as that chick who wrote those weird wizard books.

They're also jealous because I get women. Lots of women. One of them was my wife. I totally got her. Knocked her up too. She's Swedish. Which is hot. I mean, the country is cold but the chicks are hot.

But I didn't stop with her, just because I'm married. Oh, no. There are a lot of really hot women out there. A lot! And because I'm famous and gifted and richer than Dick Cheney, tons of those women totally throw themselves at me. And look, I don't want to be rude. If these chicks want to bang me, it's only right to give them the ride of their lives.

Oh, hell, you all know I'm not just banging these broads because I don't want to be rude. I like women. I really like women. Lots of women.

And I like watching other dudes with women. Especially that guy from Bones. I'd really like to see that guy with some women. Mm... Bones...

Anyway, I got caught. Boy, did I get caught. I was totally nailed. And not in the same way that I was nailing all those broads. That would've been a lot cooler, let me tell you. But no, that's not what I mean at all. I was totally busted.

What can I say? I'm the best golfer ever, rich as Nazis, and can get pretty much any woman I want. Who wouldn't take advantage of that?

So back off, media. Give me some goddamned privacy. Let me get on with my life - and get off with that hot chick over there.

I'm Tiger Fucking Woods.

It's a bold statement from Tiger Woods. He's got real moxie, this guy. Go get 'em, Tiger.

It's Like a Made-for-TV Movie

I tell you what: New York Magazine puts together one helluva yarn.

Some of you may recall that back in 2004, John Kerry ran for president. It was a terrible campaign. Just terrible. The campaign did exactly two things right, in my opinion: 1) they chose an unknown state senator Barack Obama to be the keynote speaker at the Democratic National Convention; and 2) they named John Edwards as Kerry's running mate.

I thought that Edwards was a bit smarmy, truth be told, but I rather appreciated that he was the only candidate who talked at all about poverty. But, you know, this was in 2004, and we didn't really have a poverty problem in this country until Hurricane Katrina. If you don't see it, what's the problem?

We all knew Edwards would return. And I was rather looking forward to his campaign in 2008. Especially since I wasn't the biggest Hillary fan. Edwards was positioning himself to the left of the other viable candidates. So yeah, I had hoped he'd do well. He didn't. By the time New York got its primary vote, he was well off the ballot. And we all know about his downfall since.

But holy shit! The inside story linked above in New York Magazine is riveting stuff. There are some real revelations there. I encourage you to read it. Start to finish, it's a page-turner (or, indeed, a page-click-forwarder). Yes, there's sex; yes, there's ego; yes, there are attempted backroom deals; yes, there's an embattled wife with a chasm between her public and private personae. It's seriously tasty.

It Was Over Before Screech Could Yell, "Moo Goo Gai Pan."

As Curt (Bald Bro), if that is indeed his name, points out in the comments of a previous posting, you really do need to have a sense of humor if you're going to pay attention to the New York Senate these days.

Over the holiday weekend, Governor Paterson called for special sessions, so that the little bitches who call themselves New York Senators can work out a goddamn deal and begin to take care of the people's business again. Sunday's session lasted three minutes. Three fucking minutes. Let's see... What else can you do in three minutes?

- Transfer at Grand Central from the 7 train to the 4/5 train.
- Listen to "More" by The Sundays.
- Let your French press steep (if you're the missus - I prefer the full five).
- Get rid of the Jehovah's Witnesses at your door.
- Enjoy a nice daydream.
- Read this post (even if you read slowly).
- Have sex to completion (if you're an anxious teenager who suffers from premature ejaculation).

All of those things are far more productive, useful, and successful than our New York Senate.

Not that I usually condone fishing for comments, but feel free to tell me what you can do in three minutes, thereby making you more productive than the New York Senate.

[Oh, and you all have my lesbian ex-girlfriend to thank for the title, as she posted a link to this "Celebrity Shtup" from Heeb Magazine. Please be forewarned: It is not for the faint of heart. Or children. Or mothers. At least not my mother. Mother, please don't read it. Although it too will take you less than three minutes.]

Re: Governor Mark Sanford

At least now we know why the good governor felt he didn't need any stimulus money.

Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

Ah, nuts. I'm telling this joke about 36 hours too late.

Hate It, Hate It, Don't Care... LOVE IT!

So the liberal masses are angry at Barack Obama because he chose a gay-bashing bigot to give the invocation at his inauguration. Meanwhile, the bigoted masses are angry at Rick Warren because he's agreed to do the invocation at the inauguration of an infanticidal queer lover. Everyone in the middle couldn't care less.

Who, then, is happy about this?

Oh! Elizabeth Hasselback!

That's a Lot of Stains

Earlier this week, a retired Cardinal (and I don't mean the St. Louis Cardinals) declared that Madonna (the pop idol, not the Mother of God) is lustful and offensive to God.

That this retired Cardinal said these things during a service memorializing the second anniversary of the death of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet proves once again that violence is OK and sex is not.

Murdering about 3,000 people (or at least making them disappear) is God's Holy Work on Earth, apparently, but performing in conic bustiers and simulating masturbation on stage and you are a stain on humanity.

I mean, really, Cardinal, Madonna gets around, but I'm not sure she's stained all of humanity. A lot of bedsheets, sure, but all of humanity?

What? What'd I say?

Saving Themselves for Marriage

I saw something about Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon waiting to have sex until they were married, which, I don't know, might explain why they didn't wait to get married.

What's the Matter With Florida?

I gotta tell ya, folks, there's something strange about Florida. It's already suspect because of the 2000 election, those weird expansion baseball teams that make it to the playoffs, and the curious retirement communities. Plus, you know... it's my birth state.

But in Florida's 16th Congressional District, well, frankly, I'm beginning to think the water isn't potable.

Some of you will remember Republican Mark Foley, who was caught writing inappropriate text messages to his underage pageboys. In 2006, he was replaced by Democrat Tim Mahoney, who promised to bring some good old-fashioned decency back into the office.

Turns out that Tim was pallin' around (sans pants) with a lady staff member during the election in which he promised to bring that good old-fashioned decency back into the office. I guess by "decency" he meant banging chicks instead of harassing underage pageboys.

Tim also shelled out $121,000 (and a job) to keep the woman quiet. And although he has admitted to violating the woman, he says he didn't violate any laws or his oath of office.

And naturally, he considers it to be a "private matter." Good luck with that, Tim.

What is it with these douchebag politicians who can't keep their Jolly Ranchers in their wrappers?

If you enjoy sordid political affairs, you can read more about it here.

A Couple of Bald Updates

Well, my people sure know that I appreciate bald-related items.

A colleague found this here button.


I must say that it sure would be a better button if Mr. Bald felt a bit happier about being bald and for Obama. It would send a positive message to the kids, who are our future, provided we teach them well and let them lead the way.

Quite some time ago, another friend sent me a link to this photo of Cameron Diaz bald.


It's pretty obviously a skull cap, but she looks pretty happy about it.

And then a few days ago, yet another friend sent me a link to this little NPR story discussing how, since the days of the Russian Revolution in 1917, the Soviet Union/Russia have been alternating their leadership between the well-covered and the shiny heads. Lenin, bald; Stalin, haired; and so on through Gorbechev, bald and Yeltsin, haired. Putin they put in the bald column, although that’s a bit of a stretch. He’s thinning, sure, but not bald. His replacement Medvedev has a healthy head of hair.

Meanwhile, in the United States, we haven’t had a bald leader for quite some time, as I’ve written before. Will Ike be our last president elected with an uncovered dome? Gerald Ford was a more recent bald president, sure, but he was also not elected.

In our recent primaries, the baldies didn’t fair well. Giuliani, for example, didn’t win a single delegate on the Republican side. Was it because of his bald head or because he’s a Dickhead?

McCain falls into that curious category of “tweeners.” He’s pretty thin up top, but what he does have he uses to try to hide the bald bits. This obvious sign of insecurity should be a major red flag for voters.

Biden’s hair is the subject of some debate. He’s got nothing on the backside of his head, but upfront, he’s got a thick row of bangs, which flow back to cover the back. I had assumed that he had the male pattern baldness of a friend of mine who’s not receding at all upfront, while the rest of his head continues to expand its baldness. But according to that same NPR story, Biden may have opted for plugs at some point along the way. If that’s true, it’s more suspect even than McCain’s cover-up. Fortunately for the Obama-Biden ticket, I’m not a one-issue voter.

As for our other candidates...

Well, obviously, Barack Obama’s hair is still going strong, although the stress of the campaign has added some gray to the color palette.

And Sarah Palin has the obvious hair-producing advantage of a body chemistry that creates less testosterone than her fellow candidates for high office. But I can’t say I’m a big fan of how she flaunts her thick-haired credentials by beehiving it right in our faces. I mean, really: the arrogance; the sheer arrogance.

The AP Is Very Pleased With Itself

So as you've probably heard, Paris Hilton responded to the John McCain "celebrity" ad with an ad of her own. It's not bad.

The Associated Press has reported on the development of course and offer us this exceptionally clever headline:

Paris Hilton issues tart rebuttal to McCain ad

Tart! Get it? See? It's Paris Hilton! Tart!

Looks like someone at the AP has graduated from middle school!

She Must Have Seen August Rush

Generally speaking, I don't have all that much interest in the celebrity gossip. Political gossip, on the other hand...

Even so, I couldn't help but notice that Robin Williams' wife filed for divorce after 19 years of marriage.

The missus made me sit through that August Rush movie this past weekend, and I suspect Robin's wife simply (and finally) reached her limit: "I sat through Death to Smoochy, Man of the Year, and RV. Your demands on this marriage are just too fucking much already. I'm totally gonna McCain you."

Yes, B&E readers. I enjoy a cheap shot once in a while.