Be! Aggressive! B-E- Aggressive!

Hey, remember George W. Bush? You may recall that he's our president. He's doesn't seem to be up to much these days, or at least no one seems to care. If a president does his job and the media isn't there to report it, can it be considered working?

So no, I'm not writing about what he's up to right now because, frankly, I don't know what he's up to right now. Probably threatening to veto some decent piece of legislation.

But back in 2004 he was up to a lot. The Iraq War was turning into a disaster, Dubya was running for re-election, and Lt. General Ricardo Sanchez was paying attention. In Sanchez's new autobiography he reports that Commander-in-Chief Bush tapped into his former cheerleading self to offer a slightly insane pep-talk, after the horrific Blackwater contractor deaths in Fallujah (as quoted from Think Progress):

Kick ass! If somebody tries to stop the march to democracy, we will seek them out and kill them! We must be tougher than hell! This Vietnam stuff, this is not even close. It is a mind-set. We can’t send that message. It’s an excuse to prepare us for withdrawal... There is a series of moments and this is one of them. Our will is being tested, but we are resolute. We have a better way. Stay strong! Stay the course! Kill them! Be confident! Prevail! We are going to wipe them out! We are not blinking!

Strawberry shortcake! Banana split! We think YOUR team plays like SHIFT to the left! SHIFT to the right! Stand up! Sit down! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

And it's been nothing but an easy victory since. Well done, Mr. President. Or, put another way, nice goin', genius.

Nothing Pushes for Peace Like a Huge Dick

Lost in the Client 9 news of yesterday was the announcement of the pushiest push for pushy peace in the history of pushy peace pushes. What am I talking about? I'm not sure. But I do know that President George W. Bush has dispatched Dick Cheney to the Middle East to work out an Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement.

We've got anorexics fighting for bigger portion sizes at posh restaurants. We've got children screaming to watch Charlie Rose. We've got Cuba Gooding, Jr. sitting down quietly.

I mean, "Wha-wha-whaaaaat?" From the article:

Bush said Monday in the Oval Office that Cheney would "reassure people that the United States is committed to a vision of peace in the Middle East."

Mmmrrr?

Mr. President, since when does Dick's presence reassure a commitment to peace? For crying out loud, this is a man who shot his friend in the face.

Nice goin', genius.

Nice Goin', Genius

President George W. Bush hates children.

Our Man-In-Charge vetoed a health care bill that would cover about four million more poor Americans, mostly children. The empathy and loving kindness exuding from our executive branch is truly astounding. I live about four hours from D.C. and I can feel the love from here.

In the article linked above, a one-sentence paragraph is more telling than perhaps the Associated Press intended:

Bush vetoed the bill in private.

You see, Dubya's afraid that this exceptionally popular and successful (on its small scale) program takes us down a path toward un-privatized health care. So of course he had to veto the bill in private. To do so publicly would go against everything this great country stands for.

Jiminy Christmas.

Nice Goin', Genius

bush1
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So our fair leader addressed the nation last night in an attempt to please everyone with regard to the immigration issue, and, as a result, pleased no one. It's sort of the political equivalent of Lite FM. You play it in your retail establishment because it offends the fewest number of customers, but no one actually enjoys it.

Well, I have a bone to pick with Mr. President. His speech sucked last night. Completely sucked. No, I didn't watch it in real time, and I didn't watch any clips or anything this morning. But it sucked anyway. How do I know?

With three episodes of 24 left, his speech set everything on the schedule back about twenty-five minutes. And so my pre-set VCR didn't capture the episode in its entirety.

It's one thing for the Commander-in-Bush to enact policies that wreck our country, or begin wars that destroy others. But it's another whole thing entirely when he ruins my escapism opportunities.

Especially when we're a mere three hours from the end of the earth, unless Jack Bauer can figure out a way to save us all.

If that's not grounds for impeachment, I don't know what is.

Stay the Course

Dubya's strategy for the war in Iraq has consistently been to stay the course. If yesterday's speech is any indication, he's giving the same directive to his communications team. Seriously, hasn't he given that speech before?

Nice Goin', Genius

defensivebush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

No, I did not watch the State of the Union Address last night, but naturally The New York Times features headlines this morning.

One of them reads: "In Annual Address, Bush Warns About Dangers of Isolationism."

Dude, weren't you the jackass that isolated us not only from our enemies but our allies as well?

Oh, wait. I get it. He's speaking from experience. You see, he knows what it feels like to be isolated, and he just doesn't want us to feel the same way. See? He cares. He really cares about you and me. It's all about the love with this president.

Nice Goin', Genius

defensivebush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Apparently, one of the reasons things were so screwed up with the hurricane relief effort is that the White House, i.e. Bushie, was finding it difficult to get complete information.

The New York Times reports today that it was an aide who first informed our esteemed president about the throngs of sick, hungry, and dying people at the New Orleans convention center. And the aide got it off the news wire. Until that moment, the White House was unaware that there were even people at the convention center at all. Michael Chertoff, who'd been getting his information from Michael Brown, said nary a word about it in their meeting that morning.

So why were they having such a hard time getting honest information?

Gee, Mr. President. Could it be that you've made it painfully clear you don't like to hear bad news? Is it possible that you've created such a fear of backlash that people don't want to tell you the harsh reality of a situation because it seems like every time people do that, they end up on your shitlist, and either get fired or resign?

So it seems that one of the Michaels wasn't giving complete reports - either Brown wasn't telling Chertoff, or Chertoff wasn't telling you. And while the whole thing has turned into a bit of a public relations nightmare, by keeping you in the dark, both have managed to keep their jobs.

Nice Goin', Genius

scratchybush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

My first job out of college was at this magazine publisher on Long Island, for which I had to reverse commute. The reverse commute was the least of the problems.

The editor of the magazine was lovers with the publisher. The publisher was a 28-year-old Equity stage manager with absolutely no experience working in publishing of any kind. But the editor and publisher had imagined a power structure of gay men running the company, along with their cute gay boy assistants. This is why I was hired, although I didn't know that until shortly after they discovered I had a girlfriend and fired me. I was asked to join a class action suit against the company for "straight-bashing" (for lack of a better term), but I was only 22, had only worked there about three months, and was ready to put the whole horrifying experience behind me.

The experience wasn't horrifying, by the way, because a gay couple ran the company. I knew absolutely nothing about the "real world" at the time, but I could tell that this stage managing publisher was driving the company to bankruptcy. He declared war on the editorial staff. He had me order several thousand dollars worth of office supplies on a Friday because by Monday the AmEx card would be canceled. He collected money for subscriptions that never got filled.

A young dude with no experience was in charge.

So Bush nominated John Roberts to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. Now that William Rehnquist died, Bush is nominating the child judge to be Chief Justice. We're not even sure we want Roberts on the Court in the first place (in fact, I'm convinced I don't), and now Bushie's asking Congress to put the dude in charge? My first job taught me that's a terrible idea.

Unfortunately, Bushie's first job (you know, the one with the National Guard) taught him that he can do whatever the fuck he wants, whenever the fuck he wants to do it.

Nice Goin', Genius

scratchybush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

In response to the news that 14 Marines were killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq, our alert president said it's a "grim reminder" that we're at war.

Dude. You're the Commander-in-Chief. Please tell me you don't constantly need these types of reminders.

Nice Goin', Genius

tearybush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'm pulling a Rumsfeld this morning, and asking and answering my own questions.

What's the best way to get an energy bill passed? Delay the release of an EPA study that links fuel efficiency with energy security. Since the bill Bushie wants passed does nothing to address this problem, the best course of action is to hold off acknowledging the problem.

Cars are less efficient than they were in the late 80s? It's called progress, pantywaists!

Worried about rising gas prices? Take a Xanex!
The War for Oil got you down? Have some dip!
Global warming burning you up? Go hump a tree, faggot!

Oh, Mr. President, I love thee so.

Nice Goin', Genius

angrierbush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Hey, it's time for the G-8 summit in Scotland, one of the world's most beautiful countries, which is about to be sullied by our Commander-in-Chief.

But first, a stop-off in Denmark to celebrate his 59th birthday, and piss off the European community.

As if the war in Iraq wasn't enough, Bushie's boldly standing firm in his lack of fight against African debt and global warming. He claims that the Kyoto treaty would've wrecked our economy.

Excuse me, Mr. President? What was it exactly that wrecked our economy, then?

Nice Goin', Genius

bush1
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So I didn't watch the speech (did anyone outside the Beltway?) last night, but it seems our president remains fond of invoking "the lessons of 9/11" when discussing Iraq.

Shoulders tensing. Teeth grinding. Blood boiling.

As someone who was pretty near the action that morning, I hate having anything related to 9/11 being invoked for any purpose other than solemn remembrance. Don't assume I learned the same fucking lessons you did, Mr. President. After all, some people think one of the lessons from Jesus Christ's crucifixion is that it's OK to hate the Jews.

So whatever fucked up, condescending, bullshit lessons you learned from 9/11, Mr. President, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep them to yourself from now on.

Nice Goin', Genius

angrybush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Looks like the itty-bitty Britty brainies have a little problem with big bad Bushie's denial where science is concerned. Apparently, he made a few revisions to the G8 agenda the poor four-eyed labcoats didn't like too much. Greenhouse gas emissions' effect on global warming? Ain't none we've seen yet. Human activity has an effect on our warming planet? We don't see how. Global warming itself a threat? Suck it, monkey!

Well, a few scientists are attempting a last-ditch effort to get all eight of the G8's to admit that global warming is a real problem.

And they're gonna have a lot of success, too. Just ask the stem-cell research lobby about Dubya's understanding of, and respect for, science.

Nice Goin', Genius

bush1
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

There's so much. I know, there's so much. But here's a little one. For this guy, anyway. Medicare's rejection of claims will be harder to fight. Old folks used to be able to go to their local social security offices for hearings. Now they'll have to go to Miami, Cleveland, Irvine (CA), or Arlington (VA), or participate in phone or video conference calls. Because, you know, judges can see how healthy a person is over the phone or on video. Just ask Dr. Frist. And all this coming at a time when Medicare itself is changing its rules, which will almost certainly up the total number of claims/rejections. Is this jackass ever gonna do something that's a good idea?

Nice Goin', Genius

bush_bias
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Bushie's done it again -- rewarding a job poorly done with accolades and cushy appointments. Following in the footsteps of Paul Wolfowitz is Ann Veneman, former Secretary of Agriculture. Her stellar track record, which consistently resulted in boos when she bothered to show her face at, say, actual farms, has earned her the nomination to head-up UNICEF. So now she will be feeding children in the name of corporate interests, free trade, and genetically-modified foods, while ignoring potential health crises, such as mad cow. I guess our fearless leader is making sure that, finally, there is No Child Left Behind in his pro-business agenda. Thank you, Mr. President!

Nice Goin', Genius

bush1
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

First of all, and this is something that's been going on for some time, the Bush administration is pre-packaging propaganda presented as real news. The degree to which this has been going on is still being uncovered, but appears to have no end at any level of government. So that's nice. Plus now Bushie's got a new plan for power plants to trade "mercury credits" rather than actually cleaning up their act. This guy really does a swell job of making the world a better place. Thanks, buddy.

nice goin', genius

so a bipartisan panel has confirmed what most of us already know: bush's no child left behind is flawed, convoluted, and unconstitutional. here in new york city, a public school employee received information on how to apply for public school dollars to pay for private school teacher training. upon closer examination he discovered that it was part of a no child left behind initiative. so brearly, chapin, and the other most expensive schools in the city are more eligible for public funding for teacher training than p.s. 150 in sunnyside, queens. thank you, dubya.