Lesbians Hate Lesbians II: Rise of the Lesbians

A couple of months ago, some Lesbians brought suit against the lesbians in an attempt to get them to stop using the term that means from Lesbos. Well, the Lesbians lost, a victory for lesbians everywhere.

Not only that, but the Lesbians that brought the suit have to pay the court costs. So those angry Lesbians are also out about $360.

Also relevant to the trial was that thing that all of us in New York know: lesbians are good for the economy...

Several residents testified during the trial that the use of the word lesbian had brought recognition to the island and boosted its tourist trade.

But beware, Lesbians. That's a double-edged sword, because once the lesbians move into any given neighborhood, the locals get priced out. Although there are a lot of lesbians in Park Slope, I suspect that most Lesbians would not be able to afford to buy a home there.

Regardless, go lesbians! Way to put the Lesbians in their place!

There Is No Streak

New York's abuzz with Mets/Yankees games. In their previous meeting this season, the Mets took two from the Yanks at Yankee Stadium and had one rain-out. The rain-out was made up yesterday afternoon, and with the drubbing of nine RBI from aging slugger and occasional fan scapegoat Carlos Delgado, the Mets swept the Yankees at Yankee Stadium for the first time ever. Good times.

Naturally, I attended the night game at Shea, where the Yankees returned the favor and clobbered the Mets 9-0. Ouch.

So whatever mojo I may have had as a fan influencing Mets victories at Shea... Yeah, that's gone.

A side note, relating to Gay Pride Week. Trash-talking is a popular pastime between Yankees and Mets fans, often all in good fun, although as last night's blowout continued, we saw more and more security guards running around to break up fights and kick people out.

So what does this have to do with Gay Pride Week? Well, gay slurs are a frequent trash-talking approach taken by the less imaginative fan. So when, for example, a Yankees fan suggested loudly that Pedro Martinez get his ass off the mound and become a bullpen coach instead (perhaps a decent idea, actually), the inebriated Mets numbnut sitting nearby taunted, in return, "Only when Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez start going out, fucking faggots!"

It didn't really make sense as a reply to the Yankees fan's comment. But "fucking faggot" is really a classic. I mean, it works on so many levels. "Fucking faggot" is to sports taunting what a banana peel, pie in the face, or groin kick is to slapstick. You just don't fix what's not broken. You don't reinvent the wheel of trash-talk.

Oh, did I say "classic"? I meant "classless." When you take the discourse as low as "fucking faggot," you really present yourself as a douchebag, dickhead, cock-knocker, fartmunch, and pigfucker.

In defense of the homophobic Mets fan, he had also bragged loudly that over the course of the doubleheader, he'd downed no less than seventeen beers. The beer man suggested he not tell the beer man that. And the beer man served him number eighteen anyway.

Shea Stadium: All class.

Which Borough is Gayest?

Happy Pride Week to my many LGBTQ readers! OK, are any of you actually lesbian, gay, bi, transgendered, or queer? Don't feel like you have to come out on B&E, dear readers, but know that this is a LGBTQ-friendly zone.

To honor Pride Week, NY1 is doing a series of gay features on gay subjects throughout the gay week. This morning, they did a little ditty (dare I say a musical number) on the lesbian enclave of Park Slope. I appreciate living in a city in which the local news channel doesn't fear the gay features.

Turns out, Brooklyn has officially become the gayest borough in New York City. In fact, Brooklyn is home to the fourth largest gay community in the United States, behind San Francisco, the bulk of Massachusetts, and Topeka, Kansas. (I totally just made that list up, in case you couldn't tell.)

Anyway, Brooklyn's the gay borough. But I take issue with that a little. I mean, maybe there are more gay people in Brooklyn, but it's Queens that's actually named after gay people.

A New Streak?

I attended last night's Mets game, and the difference was astounding. It wasn't just that they won; they played like they cared. Two-out rallies, solid defense, decent pitching, delicious Carvel ice cream with hot fudge served in a souvenir helmet. So although it's too early to say that the Mets are back, the Mets are back.

And because I tried to post this for Mike Piazza's retirement, and it didn't work, I offer you ladies and gay fellas this choice image. Enjoy.

Maybe He'll Join the AARP

In spite of a particularly busy week, I can't let Mike Piazza's retirement from baseball go without comment.

I haven't always been a Mets fan. In fact, I became aware of baseball (and began playing) when my family lived in the Houston area, so for most of my life, I was an Astros fan. I might well be the only Mets fan who remembers 1986 with both clarity and sadness.

When I went off to college, sports were decidedly uncool, and I pursued other interests. I didn't really begin to follow baseball again until after the infamous strike of '94. In 1996, when Yankees fever was reaching its pitch in NYC, I have to admit that I got caught up in it. I was thrilled when the Yanks won the World Series.

But I'm a National League guy, so I started attending Mets games instead. In fact, when David Wells pitched his perfect game for the Yankees on my birthday in 1998, I had decided to attend the game at Shea Stadium instead. I was a bit bummed, I admit, but I had made my choice, the Mets were my team, and Mike Piazza actually joined them less than a week later.

The mid-nineties had been a rough time for the Mets, and when they signed Piazza to a giant, multi-year commitment, it was difficult to understand why Piazza would agree to lock himself in to play for such a lousy team for such a long time.

But led by Piazza, those Mets teams of the late 90s and early 00s were some of the most exciting teams I've ever followed. Other than Mike, there were no real stars. They were a ragtag bunch of solidly good players over-achieving and having a blast doing so. Todd Zeile? Rick Reed? Benny Agbayani? I mean, really, come on.

Yes, there was heartbreak, and it's a real shame that Piazza wasn't rewarded with a Mets championship ring for his efforts, but the ride was a good one.

Like so many other Mets fans, I say a fond farewell to Mike Piazza to whom I offer at least partial credit for my rediscovered love of baseball. What other player in what other market would need to answer questions from reporters to confirm that he's straight?

(And if the Blogger glitch ever gets worked out, the accompanying photo should offer enough beefcake to those B&E readers who don't much care for the baseball.)

Lesbians Hate Lesbians

As most lesbians and Lesbians know, the poet Sappho lived on the isle of Lesbos and wrote beautifully celebrating the love between women. Women who love women embraced lesbian as their label, and now the Lesbians are fed up.

A Lesbian law suit against a Greek lesbian organization demands that the lesbians remove lesbian from their name. Dimitris Lambrou is one particularly angry Lesbian:

Lambrou said the word lesbian has only been linked with gay women in the past few decades. "But we have been Lesbians for thousands of years," said Lambrou, who publishes a small magazine on ancient Greek religion and technology that frequently criticizes the Christian Church.

He is also quoted as saying, "My sister can't say she's a Lesbian." Well, now, Lesbian Lambrou, there's no reason she can't call herself a Lesbian. There's a very clear distinction between Lesbians and lesbians. After all, one is capitalized.

Spread the love, Lesbians. What is the world coming to when Lesbians hate lesbians? After all, lesbians have a difficult enough time of things without hatred from Lesbians.

The Phillies Lost, so by Default...

On my first trip to (the last season at) Shea Stadium, the Mets beat the Phillies. Really, the Phillies beat themselves, what with those four errors and six unearned runs. But hey, we'll take it!

For years, the rivalry in the National League East was a Braves/Mets thing. The Braves kept winning the division, and the Mets were sometimes close. Occasionally (as in 2000) the Mets would advance further in the playoffs. Other times, the Braves would defeat the Mets in the playoffs. It was a classic rivalry. Some racist, homophobic trash-talking from a cracker-ass relief pitcher hopped up on the juice added the necessary color.

During last night's game, some meathead (and, dare I say, douchebag) Mets fans got trashed and started screaming at a nearby Phillies fan. A little fun, even borderline mean-spirited razzing can be a good time, but these taunts were full of "faggots" and "fucks" and screamed at the top of their lungs.

Now, I'll defend a certain amount of colorful, salty language at a ballpark, but this was obnoxious even for those of us who don't get terribly offended by linguistic unimaginativeness. I think a family near us complained to an usher, who came and asked them calmly to sit down and shut up. The usher had no pull with these douchebags, and one dude in particular just wouldn't stop screaming obscenities.

It took some time, but security finally made its way and escorted the douchebags out.

My buddy and I then discussed that if the National League East rivalry becomes more about the Phillies vs. the Mets rather than the Braves vs. the Mets, it has the potential for being a lot more volatile. Not only are the rival cities much closer in proximity, but Phillies fans really seem to care with the same passion as a Mets fan.

The thing that was always disappointing about the Braves rivalry was that you couldn't help but feel that when push came to shove, Braves fans kinda didn't give a shit. I'd say it was because they just knew they were better than everyone else (which was usually true), but they couldn't even sell-out playoff games. What's wrong with those guys?

Fans in Philly are famous for getting raucous, rowdy, and violent. It got so bad at Philadelphia Eagles games that they set up an official city court within the stadium to immediately charge the evil-doers with a crime.

I hadn't seen behavior this relentlessly aggressive at a Mets game before. I didn't like it. Nope. Didn't like it one bit.

Look, I read Among the Thugs. I know I'm not cut out to be a hooligan.

For this pander, I thought I'd post a photo that's sure to please my straight male and lesbian readership. You straight ladies out there that don't much care for baseball: don't worry your little selves. You'll get your hot dudes the majority of the time.

No Longer Gay!

He may have been busted doing meth and getting massages from gay prostitutes, but after a stint in gay rehab (gayhab?), Ted Haggart is no longer gay.

No longer will Ted Haggart fantasize about freebasing crank out of broken light bulbs while getting rubdowns from nubile men.

No more will Ted Haggart think about meth-fueled men while having sex with his wife.

Never again will Ted Haggart be aroused at the thought of a sweaty, speed-induced tryst with a firm-buttocked hunk of the male persuasion.

That's right. Ted Haggart is a straight man. He's only interested in his wife.

And vast quantities of crystal meth.

Gay People Play Baseball, Don't They?

It's only nine days until the beginning of Gay Games 2006, and host city Chicago is all aflame in anticipation.

But, gay people, I have a gripe with your Gay Games. I happen to know for a rumored fact that there's at least one gay professional baseball player. And it's not Mike Piazza. He held a press conference and married the Playboy Playmate of the Millennium to prove his straightness.

There's also a pretty well-known novel by Peter Lefcourt called The Dreyfus Affair, that features a relationship (a gay one!) between a shortstop and a second baseman. It's in a novel, so it must be true.

And yet, gay people, your Gay Games do not include baseball. This is a travesty. And unconscionable.

I believe in civil rights for gay people. I believe in gay marriage. And you know I believe in gay baseball. So quid pro quo, gay people. Give me some damned gay baseball.

Shame On... Senator Biden

biden
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I was reading a little bit more about the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage because it gets me mad. (It gets me mad, too, because it's distracting me from the real issues of the day, and I'm aware that this is precisely its purpose. Crafty right-wing freaks.)

Anyway, most reasonable members of Congress are against the no-gay-marriage amendment because they understand that adding prejudice to the Constitution is shameful and immoral. You know, all men are created equal and all that.

But then there's Senator Biden's rationale. On Meet the Press, Biden said, and I paraphrase, "Why do we need an amendment? We've already got the Defense of Marriage Act."

Shame on you, Senator Biden. Shame on you for implying that the premise behind the proposed anti-gay amendendment is fine even if it's unnecessary. Shame on you for wading into some kind of moral middle ground. Shame on you for demonstrating once again that Democrats don't actually stand for goodness, acceptance, and forward-thinking, but rather, that Democrats are calculating, cowardly, and hesitant.

Shame On Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware.

Maybe "Shame On" will become another regular feature, here, at B&E. Ultimately, I suppose, it will be up to members of the Democratic Party.

Sensitivity

So our ever-reasonable Commander-in-Chief is commanding prejudice chiefly against gay people, because that's how Republicans win elections. There's a fairly interesting article in the New York Times that discusses how even right-wing queer haters think maybe they're getting played. "Where was this issue right after the election? How can we be focused on war and social security when there are matters of real national importance to deal with? We need to keep the queers from getting married!"

Anyway, the president's wife said she didn't think that gay marriage should be used as a campaign tool, adding that it "requires a great deal of sensitivity just to talk about the issue, a lot of sensitivity."

Um... Talking about the issue only requires sensitivity if you hate queers and don't want to seem like you hate queers. It requires no sensitivity whatsoever for me to say that gays should be able to marry like everyone else.

We Can Work It Out

I haven't read the article, but Yahoo! News had this headline today...

Feingold, Specter Clash Over Gay Marriage.

As with straight marriages, Feingold and Specter will either work things out or become legally separated.

Brokeban Mountain

The Bahamas have banned Brokeback Mountain for, according to a liaison officer at the Plays and Film Control Board, "extreme homosexuality," among other things.

Extreme homosexuality. One has to assume that the gayness is strapped to a bungy cord and windsurfing across a sand dune, after basejumping from an aeroplane. Woo-HOO! It's totally gay, dude!

I just hope The Bahamas doesn't ban my love for Russ "Oh, So" Feingold. Please don't, The Bahamas. My love for Russ is pure and tame.

[Another via HuffPo.]

That Sound Is the Pitter Patter of My Heart

Oh, Sweet Russell, you put the tit in titillating with your fightin' words and northern midwestern charm.

[Observer link via the Huffington Post.]

In Further Praise of Mighty Russell

William Greider offers his own praise of sexy Senator Russell Oh-So Feingold. Not only does he state the case with more eloquence than I do, but he sounds considerably less gay.

Lost Reruns Make Me Gay

lost
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Lost can't seem to get its shit together. They've taken more hiatuses (hiati?) this year than Dubya. Last night ABC replayed the pilot, which is particularly strange since so many potential plot points introduced in the first episode have fallen by the wayside.

So instead of watching that, the missus put on American Idol, which featured performances from the final 12 guys. There's this freakazoid named Taylor Hicks who went last. He's a bit schlubby, prematurely gray, and has no real sense of style.

There's a documentary called Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control by Errol Morris that features four people with strange jobs. What they do becomes riveting only because of their passion for, say, naked mole rats. I don't give a shit about naked mole rats, but the dude who works with them is so into them, you can't help but love the freaky things, too.

So most of the singers, even those that were good, were nervous, which in turn made nervousness the dominant emotion of the performances. Not Taylor. The guy is pure music. As soon as he started singing, joy. That was it. Utter bliss. He can really sing, which is a plus, but more than that, the dude was infectious. That he's a schlubby, prematurely gray, no-style motherfucker melts away when he sings.

Go, Taylor Hicks!

Lessons from Kansas - Brokeback President?

President Bush made a visit to Kansas State University in Manhattan (the Little Apple), and got this question. (You'll need to scroll down to the picture of Bush on CNN with the purple background.) Aaaawwwwkwaaarrrrd...

So the Lesson here, best I can tell: Don't suggest that the president's a queer. It makes him really uncomfortable. I, for one, think he was about a half-second from inviting the questioner to have sex with himself, but, you know, in the manner that Dick Cheney might have invited him.

The Priesthood Is No Place for Queers

vatican
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Proving once again (still) that they have absolutely no understanding of the pedophilia scandal that has rocked the priesthood in the past few years, the Vatican has decided to crack down on homo-priests.

Look, jackasses... If priests are gay, they'll want to hit on me, not my child. The two issues are totally separate from one another, and until you fucking figure that out, you'll not only suffer from a major shortage of priests, but you'll never get to the source of the abuse.

Duohomoheader

A couple of quick gay stories that resulted in Dickhead nominations (but not appointments)...

Rick Santorum, the ever-reasonable senator from Pennsylvania who's built his career gay-bashing, has a gay spokesman. So a gay man speaks for the senator that blames Catholic priest abuse on the gay liberals in Boston. And the spokeman is out to the senator. Boy, people are very complicated.

Then there's this story about a gay teen being forced to go to a church camp to "cure" his homosexuality. He came out on his blog, and his parents didn't like it. The camp is called Refuge and is part of the over-arching Love in Action program that "changes" sexual orientation. Seems like Self-Loathing in Action might be a better name for the program. The executive director is the Reverend John J. Smid who, as a former homosexual, is very active in the "ex-gay" movement. The article doesn't quite define what is meant by "active." Boy, people are very complicated.

God and Gays

A special July 4th shout out goes to the Church of Christ, who has lived up to the example set by Christ himself by voting to support gay marriages.

This Jesus guy, you know, he hung with those the establishment, i.e. church leaders/Pharisees, considered undesirables. And while I would never want to offend my gay friends (or any gay people, for that matter) by comparing them to the whores, fishermen, and tax collectors whose company Jesus enjoyed, I'm sure Jesus would've liked the gays, too. What's not to like? Gay people are fabulous.

And come to think of it, Jesus was a bachelor himself, prone to committing incredibly flamboyant acts (or "miracles," if you prefer). I'm not implying anything, but I think you know what I'm not implying...