Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Day 4 - John McCain

I'm not watching. I couldn't take anymore. I gotta watch my blood pressure.

But in the spirit of the last two weeks...

John McCain spoke. He was wrong.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Post-Palin

John McCain copies Barack Obama and comes out to greet his Vice Presidential pick. He'll say a few words. He seeks approval from the crowd for his pick, and he gets it.

Now McCain and the Palins are standing on stage awkwardly. They didn't plan the exit. Whoops. Even Shields thought something else was coming.

Yarnell thinks she went after Obama with "good cheer." Shields mentions the "Bridge to Nowhere," which in her speech she said, "Thanks but no thanks" to. But Shields said she accepted the money. Mmmrrr?

People pleased on the floor of the convention, naturally.

Historians! "It was beat up on Barack night." The unknown is whether she speaks to independents as well as the Rush Limbaugh crowd. One historian pointed out that she and McCain hugged. Ferraro and Mondale never did. Until they lost. Speech going after white women. Overall, good speech, they all agree, if we ever find out what the Republicans stand for, and not just against.

Yarnell doesn't think it's a Limbaugh speech. Shields thinks it was a good beginning for her, but the real test will be on the trail. Shields also thought she got belittling toward Obama, and Yarnell thinks she was light on policy.

But overall, Tracy Flick probably did what she needed to do.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Sarah Palin

And right (far-right, perhaps right-wing) into Sarah Palin. Let's see how she does...

PALIN ACCEPTS! SHE ACCEPTS! SHE ACCEPTS THE NOMINATION! Boy, all those Republican pundits that hate her must be piiiiiiiissed.

She's praising McCain and raising Cain, baby. She's a good speaker so far, I'll grant her that. "COUNTRY FIRST!" EVERYONE DRINK!

Here come the personal details. Let's get to know the Palins. No mention of Michael so far, which is curious. Yeah, she's got a family and they taught her shit. So did the small town. Palin's young daughter was just licking her hand and stroking down her baby's brother hair. So that's cute, if you like that sort of thing.

This community organizing slam is curious. Palin's continued it, stating that it doesn't have any actual responsibilities. More Obama digs. And why not?

"Washington elite"! Oh, she's giving it to us now. Media digs. But the right does love a good media dig.

Now, she's telling us what she's done as Governor. She's building a case here, and I think it's for drilling. She is. Energy independence is more domestic oil and gas. Anything else? Oh, right, nuclear. And there's a small shout out for "alternative" sources.

More Obama digs. An argument against diplomacy. I don't get what's wrong with diplomacy. I think she just slammed civil liberties, too. Well, that's fucked up.

I hate that people don't want to pay taxes in this country. Dude, taxes pay for shit. Live off the grid if you don't want to pay taxes. I like taxes. If I get services, I'm all for taxes.

"Use change to promote their careers or use careers to promote change." That's the line she's been building toward.

Dude, it's 11pm. Is she wrapping this thing up or what? It's been very listenable and all, but this member of the "angry left" needs to go to bed.

Another community organizing dig. Is it just me or is that exceptionally condescending?

What we're not learning much about is what Sarah Palin believes on the various issues. She hates the media and Washington elites and taxes. You got anything else to say on the real meaty stuff? Hello?

Tracy Flick! That's who she reminds me of! That's what I've been trying to figure out this whole speech! It was driving me crazy! She does this thing with her mouth while speaking that Reese Witherspoon did as Tracy Flick in Election. That's it! She's Tracy Flick!

And Palin's done. She did well, I must admit. She won people over tonight. And of course she did. She's Tracy Flick!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Rudy Giuliani

"America's Next Top Model" is over, so now there's nothing separating me from the Republicans. This will be the first time I'll see Romney and Giuliani speak in the same night, so I'll finally find out who I find more loathsome.

Rudy Giuliani really gives bald guys a bad name. He and Dick Cheney are probably the worst bald guys on the planet.

Rudy's bringing out the zingers, and even with an ultra friendly (and right-wing) crowd, he barely gets a laugh. Dude, you're bombing so badly the crowd is chanting "U.S.A.!" instead of listening to you. Wrap it up, buddy! But of course he's less than five minutes into this disaster, so he forges on.

Every speaker is telling the same story about McCain's POW experience. Clearly this is what the Republicans want people to think about when voting. Not the issues, not the shithole that has been the last eight years.

For some reason, "working as a community organizer" gets a laugh. Not sure why. He mentions "Chicago machine politics," which I'm not actually sure means anything. He's talking about "present" votes. Boy, I wish Rudy was a lot less present around New York City.

I think the crowd is chanting, "Zero!" now.

Republicans aren't afraid to attack hard, that's for sure, even if the shit don't make no sense.

OK, so I really dislike Rudy Giuliani intensely, but I think maybe Mitt Romney's worse. It's really like choosing between swallowing four dozen razor blades and administering a porcupine enema, but I think I'd have to go with the porcupine. After all, the razors wriggle their way through one's whole system.

I'm also watching more of Rudy, which makes that porcupine enema all the more slow and uncomfortable.

Is "Drill, baby, drill!" really the Republican rallying cry?

DRINK! SEPTEMBER 11! HE MENTIONED IT! It took a lot longer than I expected, but there it was! Everyone drink!

Oh, Christ Almighty, Rudy... You get ellipses... I'm bored, and as we all know, boredom is a mask for anger...

What kind of roomful of Dickheads cheer for war? Even if you're pro-war, aren't you supposed to treat it soberly and with respect? War! Whoopee!

...

Rudy really loves himself. When he hits an applause line, he soaks it in better than anyone. Good thing that podium is there, because he's hard as a rock right now, if you know what I'm saying.

This guy is seriously the most smug Dickhead on the planet. Repulsive.

Who's questioning whether Sarah Palin has time for family and job? I'm not. Are people? What have I missed?

I think Rudy's wrapping it up. Get that fascist face off stage. Ugh.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Mike Huckabee

Aw, shucksabee. It's Mike Huckabee!

I'm not really paying attention to the lineup tonight. But I just heard him say a bad word about European government, and with a missus from Scotland, well, that shit don't fly so much in our house.

He's railing against "government handouts," but I'd sure like to hear someone talk about the government handouts to corporations.

OK, charming Mike Huckabee's now being a Dickhead, too. Enough of Huckabee.

Yeah, so I refuse to call myself a Democrat, but I am decidedly not a Republican. These fuckin' guys repulse me.

Every single speaker has said, "country first" in their speeches. The goal of a convention is to be on message without seeming overtly planned. Um... This whole thing is really planned out.

And lame.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Mitt Romney

Romney's a fucking idiot, and that's about all I can say about this Dickhead. Cock. That's about all I can think when I look at his face. Cock. I'm done with Romney.

I actually think I'd rather find out which of the Top Model girls are bigoted against the transgender contestant.

Yeah, I must really hate Mitt Romney, if I want the missus to turn it back to "America's Next Top Model."

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Day 3

The night belongs to Sarah Palin! But first, we get to see the parade of Dickheads, including Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani. I don't know how much of this I'll be able to take. Romney and Giuliani are exceptionally loathsome. In fact, The Wire arrived from Netflix today, and I may try to convince the missus to join me in watching an episode of that. Somehow it's less depressing.

But the missus insists on flipping to "America's Next Top Model." Jesus, this might make me angrier than the parade of Dickheads. Of all the crappy TV the missus could watch, why does this one grab her? I want to slit my wrists now. Judas Priest, this is fucking tedious. Kill me. Someone, please kill me. I don't feel this suicidal watching the Republican National Convention.

Fuck me. There's a second goddamned hour of this shit.

Could John McCain please come invade my apartment and blow me up?

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Joe Lieberman

I think I'm going to go to bed. I don't want to hear Droopy Dog spouting neo-conservative ideas with "can't we all get along?" overtones.

Holy shit. It's been a long time since I've seen Lieberman speak. Probably in 2000 when he was Gore's VP. Yes, he's just as dull as I remember.

He's calling himself a Democrat, but that's just a lie.

OK, time for bed, dear B&E readers! I hope you enjoyed Joe Lieberman!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Fred Thompson

Actor and former candidate Fred Thompson's up next. He's on fire. We're prosperous! At least he is! And he's defending Sarah Palin! Oh, Fred loves a crowd. And he just repeated himself.

There are a shitload of white people in that crowd. Damn.

Fred's hitting us full in the face with partisan rhetoric. Liberals and their friends in the media! (Applause!)

More about John's character. Yes, he's got character. All of John's kids are in the military. (Applause!) Cindy! (Applause!) John's mother! (Applause!) John's a rebel! Troublemaker! Leader of the troublemakers! (Applause!) Fred just talked nonsense. (Applause!)

More about John's military service.

Hey! It's Jon Voigt! The Republicans are a bunch of Hollywood elitists!

OK, Fred's going on a bit. Ellipses time...

He's still going on and on... I'm gonna brush my teeth and give you more ellipses...

My teeth are now clean. What'd I miss? Hey, look! It's a black lady! PBS must be done with its coverage of the Republican National Convention. Oh. No. It's still Fred Thompson. They just found one of the only conservative black women in America to put on camera.

We're running out of time for tonight. I though Joe Lieberman was speaking tonight. Fred's going and going and going and Joe's probably backstage going, "Um... Excuse me, please. Don't take my stapler."

Holy shit! He's finally wrapped it up!

Shields and Yarnell? Yarnell likes it. Should've spoken that well for himself when he was running. Shields seems to be giving him a B. Big applause on Obama attacks, so they're more united in their dislike for Obama than their support of McCain. Perhaps. Yarnell says it's a pretty standard Republican speech, theme-wise.

And here's Joe Lieberman!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Dubya

Laura Bush is introducing her husband. I'm taking my Dramamine in anticipation of the waves of nausea that will certainly come over me.

Oh, shit. Laura's offering a boisterous defense of her husband, the worst president of all time. She seems a little pissy about having to explain to people why he's so great. She offers No Child Left Behind, his two Supreme Court justice appointees, and faith-based initiatives as proof of his genius. Um... OK. Um... Oh, Laura...

And President Bush has kept us all safe. She started by saying she was going to state some facts. But she never told us those facts would be true.

Great. Here he is, via satellite. He's touting his accomplishment with Hurricane Gustav. How'd Katrina work out for you, buddy? Oh! He said prayers! Everyone drink!

He knows what it's like to be president, he says. Well that's true, I suppose. But that doesn't mean he's done a good job. Now he's promoting McCain. And I'm getting drowsy. So I offer you an ellipses...

This human life argument makes no fucking sense to me. How can you claim to think that life is sacred and bomb the shit out of countries?

OK, more ellipses... I'm looking forward to not seeing this man's face on the TV anymore...

The crowd is holding up signs that say service. Feels sort of dirty.

Oh, Bush is done. Dull. There's no fire there. And Laura closes, touting Cindy McCain as First Lady. Oh, do we get to vote for First Lady? Awesome, because I think Florence Henderson would make a great First Lady. She proved it on "The Brady Bunch."

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Pre-Something

I don't know what we're waiting for, but the elder Bushes (George H.W. and Barbara) just came in to wild applause. The missus says they look almost as old as McCain. Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

A firewoman is talking about the Minneapolis bridge collapse. Cut to the elder Bushes. They're smiling. I'm going to assume they don't know what she's talking about.

The God talk is coming now. A friend of his (Latino) is talking about what John said when he was asked what got him through the POW camp. He said faith, country, and family. The missus says, "Yeah, but Cindy wasn't his family then." Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

The speaker just ended his speech with "Viva John McCain!" He should be careful. To this crowd they might start the deportation proceedings. For his safety, I hope Tom Tancredo isn't there tonight.

Oh, that pre-something is actually George W. Bush. Boy, they've kept that pretty well under wraps. I guess McCain didn't dodge the Dubya bullet after all.

Dubya's former speechwriter called Obama's speech polarizing. I think he's rewriting history faster than he can write.

Navy Seal tribute film. Pretty well done. Long applause for him and his sister, who's in attendance.

The lead-in to Dubya's really going on and on. I'm taking another break.

Oh! Oh! Here come the chants of U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Day 2

The Republicans are finally getting their party going here. So far it's been a lot of patriotic posturing. Lots of flags.

PBS commentators are speculating about Sarah Palin's home life. Good mother? Maybe, maybe not. Poor daughter? Certainly. Would her daughter be thrust into the spotlight if Palin had said, "Thanks, but no thanks?" Who knows? And frankly, who cares? I want to know if she'll be a good vice president.

John McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds just said, "An unique." He should be disqualified from being a spokesman. Unique begins with a Y-sound. Y is a consonant. "A unique" would be correct and less pretentious.

I don't like that Tucker Bounds. Somehow I doubt I'm going to like many of the Republicans we'll be hearing from over the next few days.

Some Alaskan sounds very defensive about her "experience" and then turns right around and calls her a "quick study." Ease up, buddy. Methinks thou dost protest too much. He just said she's going to be a "great grandmother." Palin's actually going to be just a "grandmother," but no one corrected him.

Oh, looky! It's bat-shit crazy Michelle Bachmann! She is titivil's mostest favorite bat-shit crazy subject. She talks with a really vapid smile on her face. And I don't mind admitting that she freaks me out.

Cindy McCain apparently saved a couple of Bangladeshi girls from Mother Teresa's orphanage. I had no idea that Mother Teresa was such bad news. Hey, how'd the McCains get around all those adoption rules? Someone pulled some fucking strings, man. Investigate, you investigators out there!

Historians! They're talking about vetting. Comparing to Bush 1's choice of Quayle. No denying the similarities. And McGovern screwed up his first VP pick in 1972. But the 18 days he had the bad choice was enough to get people to question his judgment. Or was it throwing him off the ticket that hurt McGovern. Bush 1, after all, kept Quayle. Basically, history hasn't taught us anything here. The historians have no answers for us on the Palin issue. Still, I like the way they talk all pretty!

David Brooks (Yarnell) just said, "Her daughter is pregnant, her husband had a DUI twenty years ago, and the Palins once put a tin can in the plastic recycling!" Boy, he's been wanting to use that joke for 72 hours, and I have to say he nailed it. Really hit it out of the park. I'm still laughing. I've missed the rest of the conversation I'm laughing so hard. That Yarnell is almost as funny as the original Yarnell. (Do a YouTube search if you don't remember Shields and Yarnell, the comedy mimes.)

Anyway, I'm stepping away from the TV for a few moments.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Gustav

It's amazing that the RNC logo never got a redesign...

I've got the TV on, ready to stave off the nausea caused by a convention center full of Pubes, but tonight it looks a lot more like Gossip Girl.

I mean, in general, a Republican convention looks like the cast of Gossip Girl aged about forty years, but tonight it looks exactly like Gossip Girl, perhaps because it is Gossip Girl. The missus was very excited about tonight's season premiere of Gossip Girl, so she's relieved that we don't have a faceful of Bush/Cheney instead.

In fact, this whole hurricane thing is probably the best thing that could've happened (politically) to the Republican Party. After all, who are the least popular Republicans in the country right now? That'd be George W. Bush and Dick Head Cheney. Well, their appearances have been canceled. Lucky, lucky Republicans.

In the meantime, poor, poor Louisianans. Let's hope that the damage is limited to the early reports, that the levees hold, and that any help they need is there and waiting.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Barack Obama

Abrupt end to Durbin's speech. Odd.

Tribute film! Barack's mom was sorta hot. Woo! Kansas! Grandparents from Kansas! Well done, Kansas. We're getting more about Barack's mom. She was, of course, the perfect mother. More jokes about the name, because really... It's Barack Obama. And the love of Michelle.

The missus is moved by the tribute film. She's a sucker for tribute films. I showed her a tribute film of me before I asked her to marry me, and she could only say yes. By the time she came out of the fog of my tribute film, we were married. Sucka.

Obama still gets choked up talking about his mother's death. The missus thinks Obama is handsome. But she's married to me.

Film over! And Barack is out on stage. Music swells! Crowd roars! Sheer joy! He's shouting thank you and crowd members weep. He's really trying to get going now. OK, I'm gonna listen, if you don't mind.

Except that he can't get a word in edgewise.

Now he's off. OK. I listen.

HE ACCEPTS! WE NOMINATED! HE ACCEPTS! Oh, boy, if he'd refused... What a disaster that would've been. But now we can move forward. After another shout-out to Hillary and Bill. And Ted and Joe. Those are some pearly white choppers Joe's got. And he likes to show them. And shout-out to Michelle, the love of his life, and his daughters who are not quite old enough to be horrified by their daddy.

Obama just hit the failed policies of George W. Bush. "We're better than the last eight years." And he brings up Katrina, as he well damned should. "Enough!"

EIGHT IS ENOUGH! Cut to Dick Van Patten! No. Too bad.

Golf applause for John McCain's bravery. John voted 90% of the time with Bush. A 10% chance of change? I don't think so, suckas. (Why do some people say he voted with Bush 90% and other say 95% of the time? What's the discrepancy?)

Hitting "nation of whiners" now. Good for you, Obama. It's not that McCain doesn't care; it's that he doesn't know. Good point. "Ownership society" means "You're on your own! And it's time for them to own their failure." Nice.

Tying the regular stories he's heard with his own family is nice, especially when he mentions the "celebrity" thing from John McCain.

America's Promise. I think we've got the theme. He just kicked into philosophical gear. We are part of a society: brother and sister's keepers. Spelling out the change is coming up.

Cut taxes for 95% of working families. Off oil in ten years? OK, so that's fucking bold. Green jobs. Invest. Big plans. Good education: early ed, higher salaries for teachers and accountability. Adding service to the college ed deal. Health care for all. Safety nets. Equal pay for equal work, because his daughters deserve it. I'm guessing his daughters will be fine, but I get the point.

Individual and mutual responsibility. I can dig on that.

He's talking like a tough Commander-in-Chief now, comparing his judgment to McCain, whose judgment has been a disaster.

OK, so when he starts talking about unity, well, that's when he really starts cooking. Common ground on tough issues. Surely, we can be reasonable. You can't make a big election about small things. Change doesn't come from Washington but to it.

So I spaced out while listening there for a bit. I guess that's a good sign. And then a country song and fireworks.

Gwen and Judy at the stadium? Like no other convention we've seen. He answered criticism and gave some more specifics about his plans and his family. And he sounded tough.

Historians? Historian 1 thinks Obama's catapulted us into the 21st Century. Historian 2 says he sacrificed eloquence for electability. Interesting. I think I agree with that. I was hoping for another highfalutin speech. It was pretty nuts and bolts. Historian 3 thinks Barack spelled it out well and thinks it'll help him a lot.

Jim Lehrer? Shields and Yarnell? Shields thinks he established the humble roots and the differences with McCain. Steely resolve about patriotism. And he got specific. Yarnell thought the text was assertive. Here comes a "but." Not wowed. Unmoved.

Yarnell and Historian 2 disagree about the partisanship of the speech. And Historian 2 says that this speech won't be carved in granite, but if he gets elected, he'll have an inaugural address for that. That made PBS laugh heartily.

And they're done.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Pre-Obama

A lovely dinner with friends kept me from the Convention earlier (and look! It's Monica Early on TV now!). I missed Gore. So I'm going to review his speech without having heard it...

Gore rocked the house! No one's better in pointing out the differences between the two parties. The differences matter. Indeed, if Gore had been given the office he won, global warming would be healing, we wouldn't be at war with Iraq, the economy would be stronger, we would be weaning ourselves off the oil.

At least that's what I'd say if I were him. And because Gore is no longer a candidate, he was much more relaxed than he used to be, so his delivery wasn't stiff and stilted. Rather than reliving the world of RoboGore, Al gave the speech of a Nobel Prize-winner elder statesman, who's just chillin' on his sofa telling us what's what.

Well done, Al Gore.

I assume.

The missus thinks the stadium is a mistake. The sound is a little worse. It's not as intimate. Well, we'll see, missus. Oh, we'll see.

Now we've sitting through the "regular person" part of the program. The woman from North Carolina makes a compelling argument for former Republicans. She's pretty natural in front of the crowd. She voted for Nixon, Reagan, Bush, and Bush, but now Obama will be her president.

Barney Smith would like to be put before Smith Barney, which gets major applause and chants of "Barney! Barney! Barney!" And Barney felt the power of that applause and ended strong. He was nervous as hell to begin with, but ended with a smile. Man, that was a good "regular person" closer.

Mark Shields and David Brooks (Shields and Yarnell) are floored by the "regular folks." "Where did they find these people??" Even Yarnell is absolutely amazed.

After a station break, they're talking about the crowd at the stadium. Looks fun, they think. Everyone's having a great time. And why not?

The head of the NAACP is named Jealous. Attempting to comment on that is too dangerous when I'm just writing as the thoughts come.

OH! Historians! Today is the anniversary of the MLK, Jr. "I Have a Dream" speech. Forty-five years later we see a piece of that dream realized. OK, I have to admit that I got distracted and missed most of the historians talk. Damn.

I think Dick Durbin is now introducing Barack Obama. I'd like him to be done already. I might ignore Dick Durbin until Barack comes on. Yeah, I'm just gonna post this thing now.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Joe Biden

Biopic of Biden. Praise, praise, praise. Family man, politically experienced, and the rest.

He's being introduced by his son Beau, who's the AG of Delaware and is about to head off to Iraq with the Delaware National Guard. Good intro. He's making the whole place cry with the story of his mother and sister's death and Joe's decision (reversed) not to serve in the Senate.

His son is talking about the stutter. The kids called him "Dash," as in the punctuation. That's a better nickname than Bubba, which I liked already. But that's it: he's Dash. Vice President Dash Biden.

And because he's off to Iraq, he's asking people to be there for his dad. Man, he's pulling out the stops. Good intro, Beau my man.

Heeeeeere's Joe!

He's a talker. Let's see how he talks. He's not afraid to express his love for his wife. I like that. I love the missus.

And he accepts the nomination! Whew! That's a relief. I wasn't sure there for a minute.

Joe's doing pretty well so far. He's showing off his mother, telling the lessons he learned through tragedy and more, and I swear to god, I think he's sincere.

There have been a couple of "Freudian slips" calling John McCain "George W. Bush." I'd say they were staged except the speakers (Kerry and Biden) seemed genuinely surprised at their mistake. They're either better actors than most politicians or they really did slip.

The missus likes Dash's hushed tones. He's a better performer than most speakers. He pulls it off, the hushed tones.

John McCain is his friend. Here we go. He profoundly disagrees with John. He just said, "taxes" when he meant "tax breaks." Whoops. "That's not change; that's more of the same." Doesn't quite roll of the tongue of the crowd, but they're trying.

"We don't need a soldier; we need a wise leader." That's a good point.

The missus is chanting, "That's the change we need" with Joe's call and response lines.

I like that Joe's not afraid to call the Bush administration "abysmal." He's questioning McCain's judgment, which is what he's been hired to do. John McCain is wrong and Barack Obama is right. Go to town, Biden. I don't know about this warmongering talk, but I like that you're fighting McCain at least.

And he's done. There we go. I hope that Mitt Romney is McCain's pick for VP. Biden will tear him a new asshole, debatingly speaking. Oh, I would like to see that.

Hey, look! It's Barack on stage with Joe, introduced by Jill. Barack's thanking the great speakers of the rest of the convention. And now he's speaking off the cuff? He's got no prompters. It's a short speech, but hell, he just rattled off a few words there.

And there's the Bruce Springsteen to close the speech, because who better, really?

Shields and Yarnell? Shields said Beau Biden was the highlight of the night for him. There are a boatload of Bidens on stage. Jim Lehrer says, "And here are the little ones," because how often do we see four-year-olds waving at the crowd? Only every convention.

Buzz on the floor afterward? Serious excitement.

Historians? Big night, huge help, giant setup for tomorrow. The historians see Hubert Humphrey in the night. Ah, Hubert Humphrey. Poor Hubert. Historians approve.

Yarnell thinks that this night puts pressure on McCain. Especially with his veep choice. Yarnell thinks that it points inevitably to Lieberman. He's the only antidote to Joe Biden.

And they're done for the evening. So am I.

By the way, the Mets won. Back in first place! A good night for Democrats and Mets fans!

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Pre-Biden

We're waiting for Joe Biden now, so I won't say much about the run-ups. Chet Edwards is first. He smiles at the end of every sentence. Unfortunate choice.

The Mets have taken the lead over the Phillies! It's 6-3 now in the 8th inning!

There were some military features and interviews that were quite nice and interesting.

Now they're nominating Joe Biden for Vice President.

TRIBUTE FILM!

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - John Kerry

Mr. Personality is speaking now. I'm already tired.

Jesus, if this guy were president now, John McCain would be running away with this election.

I'm looking at his face and hearing, "Blah blah blah..." Nice head of hair, though. And I know a nice head of hair when I see one.

OK, his passion on torture actually got my attention. (John Kerry is against torture.)

Like Mark Warner, John Kerry is a lip-licker. And he's lip-licking his way through an attack on "Candidate McCain" vs. "Senator McCain." He makes some good points, but I wish he had more charisma. "Talk about being against it before being for it!" he says in an attempt at self-deprecation.

The Mets are losing to the Phillies 3-2 in the bottom of the 7th inning, by the way. So much for first place.

He's doing a bit of a call and response now. Who can we count on? (Audience: BARACK OBAMA!)

OK, John Kerry. Wrap it the fuck up. You go too long, and we're done with you.

Oh, look! Barack Obama's uncle. He helped liberate Buchenwald. He's old and touched by the attention.

The missus just got home, and she said that John Kerry was very good on the radio on her way home. Well, seeing that long, dull, lip-licking face really makes a big difference, apparently.

"In closing!" He just said, "In closing!" And he closed. Whew.

Shields and Yarnell now. Shields said it wasn't a typical Kerry speech. Still seemed sorta dull, but maybe he meant context.

They're cut off by the only woman three-star general in the Army. Well, she's a badass, isn't she?

UPDATE: The Mets tied it up in the 8th on a home run by Carlos Delgado.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Bill Clinton

In a desperate attempt to put a dent in the giant pile of dishes in our kitchen sink, I nearly missed Bill Clinton. But there's just been a shitload of cheering so far, so I don't think he's started yet. He's saying, "Sit down," but he is loving every second of it. Oh, now he's actually wanting to get going. "Please stop."

And his opener immediately demonstrates that he's a party man through and through. He's here to support Barack Obama. Of course he's just praised Joe Biden more than Obama. Hm...

Oh, but he's doing shtick now, baby. The primary sped up global warming! He's nervous about following Hillary! But he's down with Barack Obama now, or at least he's playing a man down with Barack Obama on TV.

Bill speaks from the position of authority now. He's one of three living ex-presidents. And now he's talking about how the nation's failed in the past eight years. Everything he's done all over every goddamn place every where tells him that Obama's the man for the job.

Yes, he's offering full-throated support. In his first Commander-in-Chief decision, choosing a running mate, he "hit it out of the park." (For you non-baseball readers, that's a baseball reference. But probably not enough of one to offer you some eye candy in this post.) "Barack Obama is ready to be president of the United States."

President Bill has been the one accused of being a whiny bastard. Hell, at times, I thought he was going insane. But Bill is a political animal, and he knows when it's time to go kick some ass. And that seems to be what he's doing now.

Bill is smarmy and charming both. It's disarming. I want to sleep with him, and yet I'm repulsed. He touches me, yet I recoil. He moves me, yet I feel sick.

He's also smart as hell. I think he wrote this today. He could very well be speaking off-the-cuff. He just knows shit.

Cut to Michelle: she looks very happy. The crowd chants, "Yes, he can!" Bill says, "Yes, he can, but first we have to elect him!"

Now he's making a very good, clear case against John McCain. This is where Bill Clinton is at his very best. He knows how to take someone apart, logically and simply.

He just called Biden's wife "fabulous" in a way that made me want to lock up my daughter. I don't have a daughter, of course (that I know of), but still...

And Clinton is done. And oh, he's very good.

Shields and Yarnell give him a thumbs up. Bill Clinton offered the rebuttal to the "experience issue." They're so positive that they've run out of things to say.

Cut to the floor. They love Bill on the floor.

And the historians? Oh, but I love the historians. They're talking about how he redefined the Democratic Party. In other words, it's more conservative (my assessment). Dammit. We left the historians too soon. I like the historians. Have I mentioned that yet?

So, Shields and Yarnell, how much does Bill Clinton help Obama? Shields says it puts doubts to rest. Yarnell gets cut off by John Kerry, who's about to speak.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Hillary Clinton

I keep thinking she's about to come out. But now the organic farmer/Governor of Montana is speaking. Now this guy's dynamic! It's all about the bolo tie, baby! Bring it, Schweitzer! Oh, he's getting the crowd going! "That's it, baby! Let's go win this election!" That's how he closed. Well done, Brian Schweitzer. Even Yarnell says we need more of this.

Finally! The tribute film for Hillary! It's a rockin' film, with splices of her speeches. The music has gone from Tom Petty to movie soundtrack classical! It's building! It's showing some Barack, too, this film. Oh, this is political propaganda at its best, people. And it features Chelsea Clinton's voice-over too.

Chelsea's introducing her. Here's my prediction: Chelsea Clinton will be the first female president of the United States. I hope it doesn't take that long, but she'll be the one if it does.

Hillary's got a bright orange pantsuit on. Oh, pantsuits, is there no color you can't be?

The missus is awake and moved. I tell you, this political theater works. But wait! Hillary speaks! At least she's trying to, but the crowd just keeps going and going.

Hillary's really been unwavering in her support for Barack, and the speech begins that way. Unite now, people! Fight and win together! She's doing exactly what she's supposed to. "No way, no how, no McCain." Hey, now... that's pretty catchy.

This tradition of individual anecdotes in politics is boring. A little too... cliche. I guess it works, but still. I'm done with them.

Now she's hitting the litany of issues, explaining why she ran for president and why she now supports Barack.

She's doing a callback on those individual anecdotes. She's not done with them. But she's using them as a challenge to the people who supported her but are lukewarm (or worse) to Obama. Maybe that works. She's definitely doing what the Party wants her to do.

And she's making a specific case for Barack now. "We did it before with President Clinton," (cut to Clinton leaning back in chair smugly) "and we can do it again with President Obama!"

Look out... Here come the attacks on McCain... More of the same! It's crap! We don't need that shit here! Ixnay on the Ohn-Jay IcCain-May! (I paraphrase.)

Good zinger about Bush/McCain's appropriate convention in the Twin Cities, "because it's so hard to tell them apart!"

The history geek in me loves the Harriet Tubman references. Keep going! Keep going! And to keep going we need to get going to elect Barack Obama!

Heh. She just said, "Duty."

OK, so Hillary just did very well. The missus and I were just discussing how much better she's gotten as a speaker since her campaign began six years ago (or whenever it was she began her campaign).

So what do Shields and Yarnell think? Shields says she did everything that could've been expected. I agree. And so does Yarnell, who also liked the "keep going" stuff. Maybe I'm a safe, reasonable conservative after all.

And the historians? Historian 1 thought it was a remarkable speech. Historian 2 thinks Eleanor Roosevelt would be proud. Historian 3 thinks she could've been more specific on changing her mind about earlier criticisms of Obama. Historian 2 thinks that would've been overkill and unbelievable.

On the floor Gwen Ifill thinks that generally the unity theme was successful.

They all continue to talk, way past my bedtime.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Pre-Hillary Clinton

Hillary should be coming out here soon.

Shields and Yarnell agreed that Michelle Obama is an impressive woman. Yarnell seemed downright blushy and embarrassed talking about her. What a cute, safe conservative he is.

Governor Deval Patrick of Massachusetts is up now. Poor bastard. People are antsy for Hillary. Maybe I'm projecting. I'm ready for Hillary. Bring out Hillary!

The missus has dozed off waiting. These Western time zone events are killers on us working people on the East Coast. Why does this shit have to be so late? You know, China is bigger than the United States, or at least it's nearly as big (I don't feel like looking it up), and it has exactly one time zone. Why can't we be more like China?

The historians are back! My first sight of the historians on Night 2! I love the historians because I'm a geek. They're talking about women in history. There really were women in history! Who knew? Actually, they're talking about genuinely interesting things, particularly the shift in the parties from the late 70s to early 80s. I can't summarize here. Too much.

I do like those historians.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Mark Warner

Former Governor and current Senate candidate Mark Warner of Virginia is the official keynote speaker.

Leading into Warner's speech is Lily Ledbetter who lost her case before the Supreme Court. It's a compelling story too complicated to summarize here, but suffice to say, she got screwed out of pay because she's a woman. It was a truly bullshit decision by this right-wing court of ours.

I've got mixed feelings about this Mark Warner character, so let's see what he's got to say about things. The missus says he's toothy. She's nothing if not observant.

Apparently, Mark Warner has more money than God, if he's talking about his success as an early adopter of the cell phone industry.

Now that I'm looking, I'm noticing that Warner spends a lot of time licking his teeth and lips. It's a bit distracting.

Warner's giving me a feeling of "meh." He lacks dynamism. The content's good. He even said, "infrastructure," which as my three readers know I find sexy.

The missus just started kissing me, which is a lot more interesting. Yeah, so I did that for a while. Who's speaking?

Oh, it's still Warner. He's talking about common ground. And he's still licking his lips and teeth.

Now he's touting his accomplishments as Governor. He's thinking 2016 right now. He got some kid a high-tech job. Well done, Governor. He acknowledged that it's difficult to be the next keynote speaker after Barack Obama four years ago. It's good he mentioned it because he's nowhere near as good.

Jim Lehrer just said that Warner founded Nextel. Yeah, so he really does have more money than God, so that's nice for him.

Our political parties are corporations run by corporate raiders. It's actually a bit surprising that I'm not voting for Nader because he's totally right about that.

But I guess I'm willing to give one of the two major parties one more shot. Don't fucking blow it, Democrats.

Shields and Yarnell are discussing the speech and the convention so far. Yarnell's all, "These people are rhetorically boring." Shields is more forgiving of the rhetoric.

An interview with Michelle Obama follows. She seems pretty comfortable in an interview, too.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Bob Casey, Jr.

He just haaaaaaaad to mention that's he's pro-life, didn't he?

Aaaaaah, we knew it was coming, since his father was famously barred from giving a pro-life speech at the 1992 election. And now the Democrats care less about fighting for that issue, I guess.

Bob's bringing some zingers. He's got everyone chanting, "Four more months," so that's nice.

And at the end, the camera cut to Jimmy Carter, which is even nicer.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Kathleen Sebelius

The Kansas Governor is speaking. I don't know that much about her, although I try to pay a little bit of attention, since I grew up in the Sunflower State and all. I like what I know about her.

But her response to the State of the Union address earlier this year was totally lackluster.

Tonight she's a bit better, perhaps, but she still lacks energy or something. More appealing than the last time she appeared on national television, though. But I want more fire. I mean, she's actually attacking John McCain, but there's no real passion behind it. Hit him, and hit him hard, Kathleen!

In my high school class, the guy voted Most Dreamed About shot up his jeans with buckshot and started a trend. That's Kansas, baby!

Add some goddamned buckshot to this argument, and you're onto something! Fire away, Kansasette!

Yeah, she's OK, but she really could've kicked more ass. Kansans kick ass. Where's the ass-kick?

Or at least they shoot shit with buckshot. Next time, shoot 'em up, Sebelius!

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Night 2

Tonight is Hillary's night, of course, and all the talk is whether or not those PUMA (that's Party United My Ass) people will get in line behind the candidate who won the primary (that would be Barack Obama).

Katha Pollitt, who writes about "women's issues" over at The Nation (click to the right - too lazy to set up a link), is stalking delegates at the Convention, partly to get to the bottom of this. A couple of women she's talked to think that probably a lot of these so-called PUMAs were actually McCain supporters all along. Seems like a reasonable theory to me. There's certainly no other rational explanation.

So I'm just gearing up for the night's events, and a laid off mill worker from North Carolina was pretty compelling. The rich lady following a little less so. But then I've been getting this post going and not really paying attention, so maybe that's not fair.

Next is Kathleen Sebelius. Maybe I'll give her her own post.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Michelle Obama

While we wait for Michelle Obama, we get a boring Republican Jim Leach, former congressman from Iowa. The missus thinks he sounds like Kermit the Frog, and I must admit that she's right. So it's great to have a Republican speaking in support of Obama and all, but this guy is dry as toast. He's making good points, but he sure is hard to listen to.

We also get a little Senator Claire McCaskill, an early Obama supporter. She's fine, but let's face it: we want ourselves some Michelle Obama now. Claire's talking about herself a little too much. But then at least she transitioned to talking about Michelle and Barack. "Their stories are American stories." Oh, I see what you're getting at, Claire. The Obamas are American, in spite of their color and funny name.

Here comes the Michelle tribute film. With the piano music, the missus starts crying. Michelle had some big hair when she graduated high school. And we heard the how-they-met story. Very cute, I guess. A perfectly good tribute film. I know more about Michelle Obama than I did before the film.

Craig Robinson, Michelle's brother, introduces her. He just shouted, "Go Beavers!" which is always a surprise in a political setting. Oh, he's a basketball coach. That makes a lot more sense. And here she is...

Michelle just said literally. Hm...

She seems remarkably comfortable giving this speech. I'm more nervous for her now than she is, so that's a good sign. In fact, she looks like she's full-on in her element, like she's been speaking in convention centers in front of thousands of people since the day she was born.

And the content? She made a pretty strong argument for why she loves America. I believe her. And only an asshole would think she's insincere. But the assholes will come out, I suspect. Who'll be first? Romney or Giuliani?

OK, so how did she do that? "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder plays. Yes, I think she might be.

Oh, looky. There's Barack, making jokes about being persistent. Children are speaking in microphones. It's chaos. How on earth did they agree to hand the mics over to children? That could've been a disaster. "Hey, Daddy! How's the rash?"

What do Shields and Yarnell think? Shields liked the diversity of the evening and the spirit of opportunity. Yarnell thought the Democrats had a good night, but thought Michelle missed a chance to humanize Barack. Yarnell was looking for something to criticize, so he made something up.

And the historians? Well, they disagree with Yarnell. Historian 1 saw Michelle in a context of other trailblazing African-American women. Historian 2 thought as presidential spouses go, she did very well, and thought the chaos of the girls earned him about two million votes. Historian 3 thinks it's more like four million. They presented a happy, loving family.

The reporter on the floor said even the press was rapt during Michelle's speech. If you can win those jackasses over, you can win over regular people.

Now, they're looking forward to tomorrow evening's festivities.

Good first night pep rally, Democrats. You sure know how to party.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Ted Kennedy

Jimmy Carter's long-time fellow Democratic rival Ted Kennedy got himself a proper tribute as well.

Ted Kennedy is pretty amazing, too. Like all Kennedys, it seems, Ted was personally quite flawed. Drinking, scandals, and more.

We had the conventions on TV in my house growing up, and I have some early memories of fiery speeches coming out of the Liberal Lion. In spite of the ugly 1980 primary challenge (which I was way too young to appreciate), I've always liked both Ted and Jimmy, even if they don't much like each other.

The tribute to Ted got the missus crying. I felt a tear forming but didn't break.

Then Ted himself came out. The man's got a goddamned brain tumor, and he gave a speech. Yes, he looked a little sick. But he fucking walked out, he stood there, his timing was good, his voice occasionally faltered, his Boston accent flared appropriately, he got too close to the microphone a couple of times...

But fucking hell... Ted Kennedy has a fucking brain tumor, and he gave a fucking speech. And a pretty goddamned good one, even when thinking about the speeches we've gotten used to from Barack Obama.

And David Brooks (a.k.a. Yarnell) just called Ted Kennedy the greatest senator in the United States. And usually I dismiss Yarnell as a non-confrontational, conservative yutz. But I guess I'll accept something he says if I agree with it.

After all, this Convention is all about unity!

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Jimmy Carter

I'm watching what I can of the convention this week. That is to say that I'm not stopping the other activities in my life to watch every minute of this thing. But when I'm here, I'll be watching and writing.

The missus and I love the PBS coverage of political pep rallies. It's all a hubbub already, so who needs the screaming pundits. We like the Jim Lehrer, Gwen Ifill, and Shields and Yarnell (a.k.a. Mark Shields as the liberal voice and David Brooks as the safe conservative), and I don't mind telling you that the geek in me enjoys the hell out of those historians who put it all in a context.

The PBS coverage is not terribly slick. Lots of "uhs" and sound problems, and it makes me feel good about their focus on content over fancy graphics. Of course, they don't have budgets for all that fancy stuff.

The first bit I caught on TV was an interview with Jimmy Carter. Boy, he sure does make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Even with a popped blood vessel in his eye, he exuded goodness.

I was four years old in 1976 when Jimmy Carter ran for president against Gerald Ford. I loved Jimmy Carter. I even had a smiling peanut keychain. I wish I knew where that damned thing was today. I had it surprisingly recently, but couldn't find it when I did a search a couple of years ago.

My parents didn't understand why a four year old would love a presidential candidate so much, but I loved him. I fucking loved him, even before I knew how to say fucking.

Even today, I get all goosepimply when I see that smile on TV talking about the issues I care most about too. The man builds a shitload of houses, he hands out medicine in Africa, he has lust in his heart!

Jimmy Carter is the best damned ex-president we've got.