What? Beard? Post!

Some of you may know about my fascination with beards.

Well, here's another tidbit. 500,000 Irish pounds - that's monetary pounds, not weight pounds - are lost each year thanks to facial hair's absorption of beer. At today's exchange rate, that's coming on a goddamn million greenbacks worth of lost beer.

For the love of Jehosophat, Irishmen! Shave off your beards! Get rid of the mustaches! What the hell kind of Irishman would let that much Guiness go to waste? And if you're dripping down your front, shave the chest hair, too!

[Thanks, Hil, for the linky-poo.]

A Promise Fulfilled

alibeards
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It was a little dark, and I was a tad too far (just like that damned bridge) for my camera's flash to reach the stage, but this gem survived. And I offer it to you, the faithful B&E readers.

That's overall winner, Heinz Christofer, on the right, who flew in from Deutschland to compete. Ja! Toll! Superkuhl!

The Edward Gorey Character got bupkis. That's right -- the judges were not fooled by the head hair. Nice try, EGC.

The non-bearded poser in the middle had sex with both of these men, seconds before this photo was taken. Hence the thumbs-up and ultra-satisfied grin.

Technology Fails Me

Oh, sweet B&E readers. I had a special treat for you today. Last night was the New York City Beard & Mustache Championships, and I took pictures.

Alas, my computer has died again (someone remind me why Macs are better), so my photos will remain on my camera until I once again have access to iPhoto on my own system. I could, of course, paint you a fuzzy picture with my rapier wit and colorful prose.

But, you see, that would take a thousand words, and I don't have time today. Instead I need to go to Tekserv.

You might (at some point) get a lady's perspective on the events over at Ali's. Unless she, too, is waiting for my photos. If that's the case, everyone's screwed.

Another Dream Down the Drain

beardy sink
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Well, three weeks into my expected decades-long bid to compete in the World Beard Championships, I groomed.

A video I once made while bored in Vermont surfaced over at Virgil's, and somehow, when the missus saw it, she deemed me to be quite attractive with an uncovered face, even when said face is behaving ridiculously.

There's no telling what some girls find attractive...

But the clipping (no shaving on my face, thank you very much) process was a fun one. First I gave myself mutton chops and a Van Dyke. Then I had the muttons, a soul patch, and some handlebars. Then just a 70's porn 'stache and the soul patch. And finally, at the missus' request, left only the soul patch (she couldn't take much more of the mustache look). Refusing to fall into the trap of having "ironic facial hair," I took off the soul patch. I'm of German descent. We're not famous for our soul, and a patch doesn't help.

A Word About Beards

brandenburg beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Right now, I have a beard (and no, I don't mean the missus). Just about every winter, I grow one. I like the way it balances my bald head, and I find the extra layer of fuzz to be effective against the cold weather.

Well, The New York Times has informed me that beards are the latest trend for hipsters. Terrific. One of the hipster subjects for the article, indeed, works at a hipster magazine in hipster Williamsburg. It was just on Monday that I wrote a few words about Williamsburg, so I'll spare continued thoughts on that subject for now.

stylish beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I've always liked beards. My dad had a beard my whole life, except for a few months while he recovered from hepatitis. My Uncle Walt had a really full beard, and one of my earliest memories is sitting on his lap, and yanking on his beard as hard as I could, while he supplied the much-pleasing yelps of comic pain in between sips of martinis.

In fact, most of my uncles have had beards at one point or another with two exceptions. One is the bitter right-wing uncle, who has never gotten over the beard's association with the sixties (when our whole country went to pot), and the other was the former head of a SWAT team. A beard would have probably slowed him down too much.

spiky beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Those of you that have been following B&E for a while now know of my fascination with the World Beard and Mustache Championships, which I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn was where the accompanying photos were shot.

I was lamenting the NYTimes article to the missus last evening, telling her that this is surely a sign that I should once again be clean shaven. I don't want to be confused with a hipster, you see. But she reminded me of my dream. If I'm to represent America and compete at the World Beard and Mustache Championships, I can't be swayed by a silly journalist who hangs out with a bunch of fuzzy-faced pantywaists, hereby determining that beards are a trend. The Times is merely testing my resolve. I must stay the course. And beard-growing for such a course is a decades-long operation. And the missus has promised to stand by and support me through this arduous journey. My God, but the missus is a fine woman.

wide beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So now I have to rely on my wardrobe to separate me from the hipsters. Since I haven't had the money to buy any new clothes for about five years, I just have to hope that the crappy clothing I do have doesn't come around in style any time soon. It was never really very stylish to begin with, so I suspect I'm safe.

In the meantime, fuck you very much, New York Times. My face is my own; my beard is my own. And I'll have one whether or not you say it's hip.

World Beard and Mustache Championships - Follow-up

mustacheman
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

News is slow getting back to the US from the World Beard and Mustache Championship, which were held October 1 in Berlin.

It seems that the German hometown favorites won in 14 of 17 overall categories, but I'm having difficulty getting names of the winners, other than Elmar Weisser, winner of the freestyle competition, who fashioned his beard in the style of Brandenburg Gate. There's little news of reigning champion Karl-Heinz Hille, for example. And Phil Olsen hasn't yet updated the Team America blog.

But I did learn that there's a documentary of the 2003 competition in Carson City, Nevada, called "Harmony of Curves." If you think that's not going on my Netflix list immediately, you're out of your mind. Shit. Netflix doesn't carry it. Foiled again, dammit.

In case you don't read the links in their entirety, I'd like to share one point of interest. Germany has fifteen beard clubs.

The Olympics of Facial Hair

beardchamp
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I believe I first heard about the World Beard and Mustache Championships from Virgil over at Ballpeen Hammer a few months ago, but with a mere four days to go before the big competition, if you haven't already booked your ticket, now's the time.

Can current champ Willi Chevalier retain his title? Can Team USA overcome the low expectations of this "transition year" and make a strong showing, in spite of the obvious bias from the German judges, who are being paid by the German hosts? Will the Imperial Mustache category once again be marred by controversy?

Oh, the drama, the tension... the facial hair.