That Shit Was Fuggla

The All-Star Game was long and late, and I didn't stay up to watch the whole thing. But it was amazing to read this morning that Dan Uggla's performance managed to get worse after I went to bed. I saw two errors in the field that nearly cost the National League the game, and at the plate he struck out and hit into double plays at moments in which he could've been the hero.

Well, he struck out again later and made a third error, an All-Star record!

Way to go, Dan Uggla, you poor bastard.

The All-Star Break Can Blow Me

The Mets are on a freakin' tear right now, winning nine games in a row, only to be interrupted by the All-Star break. Is there anything Bud Selig can't screw up?

Dude, I Gotta Pay More for Yankee Stadium?

The New York baseball teams' new stadiums open in 2009.

Admittedly, I don't know a lot about the financial terms of either stadium. But considering that team owners and Major League Baseball generally bully cities into publicly financing the bulk of these private enterprises, I'm sure that the Mets and Yankees are getting some sweet deals from New York City, particularly in the development of the neighborhoods surrounding the stadiums (eminent domain!).

Earlier this week, the Yankees asked for another $350-400 million in tax-exempt public bonds:

About $941 million in tax-exempt public bonds have already been issued for the $1.3 billion stadium that the Yankees are building across the street from their current ballpark in the Bronx.

You gotta love that a big business like the Yankees are exempt from paying so many taxes.

The official request goes to the IRS. The new Yankee Stadium has already maxed out its public bond options, and they need IRS approval to go after more. If the Yankees get their way, the Mets would also be eligible to benefit from the new IRS rules.

Everyone knows I love baseball, and Shea Stadium has long been an industrial wasteland of a ballpark. Of course, that's also part of its charm. But as I've watched the new Mets stadium go up, I feel the excitement, even if the new Citi Field goes so far as to use that Citibank red umbrella logo shape in the stadium lights.

But public financing for private profit is fucking bullshit. The Yankees and the Mets are two of the most valuable franchises in sports. And the Yankees, especially when considering their partnership with English football club Manchester United, must be the most valuable sports franchise in the world. Both teams can pay for their own fucking stadiums. But of course, they won't.

A couple of months ago David Zirin, who writes about where sports and politics overlap and about whom I've raved in the past, wrote a stellar piece about the new Washington Nationals stadium (pictured above for your reference), from which I pull this gem:

This isn't just taxation without representation. It's a monument of avarice that will clear the working poor out of the Southeast corner of the city as surely as if they just dispensed with the baseball and used a bulldozer. This is sports as ethnic and economic cleansing, as Hurricane Katrina, as Shock Doctrine, as Green Zone. Fittingly... President George W. Bush came out to throw the first pitch.

Boy, I tell you, this request for more public bonds to build the new Yankee Stadium smells about as good as the entire city during a heatwave.

A New Streak?

I attended last night's Mets game, and the difference was astounding. It wasn't just that they won; they played like they cared. Two-out rallies, solid defense, decent pitching, delicious Carvel ice cream with hot fudge served in a souvenir helmet. So although it's too early to say that the Mets are back, the Mets are back.

And because I tried to post this for Mike Piazza's retirement, and it didn't work, I offer you ladies and gay fellas this choice image. Enjoy.

My Mets Streak - R.I.P.

The Mets have lost six of seven, Willie's under fire from management, and the fans are getting restless. So I figured last night was a perfect time for me to take my winning streak back to Shea.

Alas, even my Mets mojo couldn't overcome the magnitude of their suckitude. And so my streak ends at 16 (or so) games, spanning over parts of three seasons. The Mets play with no passion, no fire, no attention-span. Jose Reyes provided all of the offense, hitting two home runs, but he balanced that with a booted ball in the first, which resulted in two unearned runs. The Marlins then earned a few more runs, and the Mets didn't seem to care enough to answer.

Prior to the game, Willie had a two-hour-plus meeting with management, presumably to discuss his future (a potentially very short future) with the team. Maybe this group of underachievers needs an ass-kicking manager. The strong, silent type doesn't seem to be inspiring them much.

I wonder if Coach Eric Taylor of the Dillon Panthers knows anything about baseball.

Mets Streak, you were an awesome force of winning energy. You will not be forgotten.

Maybe He'll Join the AARP

In spite of a particularly busy week, I can't let Mike Piazza's retirement from baseball go without comment.

I haven't always been a Mets fan. In fact, I became aware of baseball (and began playing) when my family lived in the Houston area, so for most of my life, I was an Astros fan. I might well be the only Mets fan who remembers 1986 with both clarity and sadness.

When I went off to college, sports were decidedly uncool, and I pursued other interests. I didn't really begin to follow baseball again until after the infamous strike of '94. In 1996, when Yankees fever was reaching its pitch in NYC, I have to admit that I got caught up in it. I was thrilled when the Yanks won the World Series.

But I'm a National League guy, so I started attending Mets games instead. In fact, when David Wells pitched his perfect game for the Yankees on my birthday in 1998, I had decided to attend the game at Shea Stadium instead. I was a bit bummed, I admit, but I had made my choice, the Mets were my team, and Mike Piazza actually joined them less than a week later.

The mid-nineties had been a rough time for the Mets, and when they signed Piazza to a giant, multi-year commitment, it was difficult to understand why Piazza would agree to lock himself in to play for such a lousy team for such a long time.

But led by Piazza, those Mets teams of the late 90s and early 00s were some of the most exciting teams I've ever followed. Other than Mike, there were no real stars. They were a ragtag bunch of solidly good players over-achieving and having a blast doing so. Todd Zeile? Rick Reed? Benny Agbayani? I mean, really, come on.

Yes, there was heartbreak, and it's a real shame that Piazza wasn't rewarded with a Mets championship ring for his efforts, but the ride was a good one.

Like so many other Mets fans, I say a fond farewell to Mike Piazza to whom I offer at least partial credit for my rediscovered love of baseball. What other player in what other market would need to answer questions from reporters to confirm that he's straight?

(And if the Blogger glitch ever gets worked out, the accompanying photo should offer enough beefcake to those B&E readers who don't much care for the baseball.)

Is It a Perfect Day? It Might Be.

Yesterday, I went to Shea with some colleagues and watched the Mets win yet again. I tell you, it's uncanny. I can no longer remember the Mets losing when I've been at the game. That's how long it's been. My streak has to be something like 16 games dating back three seasons or so.

A few years ago, during the Art Howe Black Hole Years, I had a Sunday ticket plan. All Sunday home games. That August, the Mets didn't win at home. So certainly I saw them lose. But it's been a long time now.

Carlos Delgado smacked two dingers and the Mets won 6-3 over the Braves.

Afterwards, we all went to Sripraphai, "the best Thai food outside of Thailand."* It's conveniently located right along the 7 train, and just a little ways from home. If you're a New York resident, go to this restaurant immediately. It'll knock your socks off. Anything on the menu. Just go and get food.

I guess this is mostly about baseball, so here's a pander to one specific reader who thinks that rubber ducks are really tasty.



*Quote comes via Virgil, who picked up the gem talking to a local Thai immigrant.

Request for Hotties!

Although I rarely reply to the comments people post here on B&E, I do read them. And apparently, my diverse readership has equally diverse taste in hotties. "Eye Candy," "Butch Babes," "Asians," "Six Toes," "Cream Puffs," "Beef/Cheese Cake," and the like are all fine descriptors, but it will be very difficult for me to please everyone without names. Put names below, anonymously if you must, and I will attempt to find hot photos of those hotties to include with my baseball posts.

Thank you for your readership.

Early Season Highlights

We're just two games or so into the baseball season, and already there's just so much excitement to report. Here's the B&E Baseball Cheat Sheet:

The Mets had themselves a lovely opening day. Johan Santana pitched brilliantly, and all the right bats got in on the action, showing much promise for the season ahead. In game two, Pedro tweaked a hammy, and Matt Wise had his coming out party as this year's scapegoat. And he's not even a Japanese second baseman!

Older fans of B&E may remember Xady Watch, the weekly rundown on Xavier Nady's success in the Mets right field. Toward the end of the 2006 season, Xady got traded to Pittsburgh, where he's been stuck ever since. But he's still playing every day! And on opening day, Xady hit not one but two home runs, including the game winner in the 12th. It's nice to see Xady in the headlines, particularly for the Pittsburgh Pirates, who've had one hell of a tough time of things in recent years.

Some of you may have heard of Alex Rodriguez, a.k.a. A-Rod, a.k.a. Stray-Rod (when he's caught hitting the town with women other than his wife), a.k.a. Ster-Rod (when linked to Canseco's steroid dealer - and actually I haven't seen that one anywhere, but I figured why the hell not.) Yahoo! News was kind enough to post a little ditty stating that A-Rod is making more money this year than the entire Florida Marlins roster. And yet the Florida Marlins have won more World Series championships (two) than Alex Rodriguez (zero).

President Bush got booed mightily at the Washington Nationals opening day during His Royal Highness's ceremonial first pitch. Nationals Manager (and former Mets third base coach) Manny Acta served as catcher. Manny's a fine bald man who, if you believe Keith Olbermann, is also a left-leaning political junkie who enjoys arguing with the right-leaning members of his coaching staff. I'm assuming that when Manny handed Dubya his ceremonial first ball, he didn't say, "You're a war criminal," but it's nice to know that he might've been thinking it. Keith's video about the boos can be found here.

And because I've promised pandering to the non-baseball B&E readers, I offer you this fine photo of five young, hot shortstops from 1997, four of whom are still playing even. Usually with their shirts on. (Thanks to Deadspin for enjoying homoeroticism in baseball as much as I do.)

Mets Scouting Report 2008! Position Players!

You've been waiting, B&E readers, and I'm now delivering! But will the Mets deliver a World Series victory in their final season at Shea Stadium? Will they even make it to the post-season? Much depends on the non-pitchers, too! Who do we have? What do they do? How do they look? If the picture is any indication, they look like really hot thugs!

Familiar faces! New blood! Keep your eye out for September meltdowns! Check out the starters!

Wright & Reyes!
Affable All-Stars with their best years ahead, or troubled adolescents who stop hitting when it matters most? I'm asking you, Jose!

David speaks English! LoDuca's gone! The press will talk a LOT to David! He might get some important hits, too!

Jose! Jose-Jose-Jose! Jo-se! Jo-se! That's a song you can't hear in print! Jose, you don't have to pretend to have fun when you hit that slump! Just get on base and make shit happen!

The Carloses!
The muscle in the middle of the lineup, or the dead weight dragging down the options of the front office? Depends on whom you ask!

Do better, Beltran! Do better, Delgado! Their play is worth half their salaries! Wait! Nothing is worth half their salaries! They really get paid a lot. A LOT! For the love of all that is good in this world, do better!

Other starters!
Genuine contributors to the cause, or false prophets making falser claims? That doesn't make sense!

Luis Castillo! Second base! Multi-year contract! Bad knees! I'm ready for Anderson "Batman" Hernandez! But I think he's not ready for us!

Brian Schneider! Catcher! An upgrade? From the Nationals? Low expectations guarantee success!

Ryan Church! Right field! Replaces Jewish Shawn Green! Asked his chaplain if Jews are doomed to hell! Chaplain said yes! Chaplain suspended! Church concussed in spring training in karmic retribution! Play ball, righteous one!

Moises Alou! Left field! No, wait! Hurt again! Still!

Endy Chavez! Left field! Fans love the Endy! But wait! He platoons!

Angel Pagan! Left field! His name is a contradiction in terms! Ryan Church is confused!

The backups!
Continued production off the bench, or seat-fillers on Emmy night? The Wire should finally win an Emmy!

Ramon Castro! Perennial backup catcher! Wait! Injured! Raul Casanova! Backup catcher! Look out, ladies! Damion Easley! Functional! Marlon Anderson! Functional! Fernando Tatis! Really?! Fernando Tatis? WTF!

That's the bulk of it, B&E readers/baseball fans!

Fernando Tatis?!

LET'S GO METS!

Mets Scouting Report 2008! Pitching!

Oh, yes, B&E readers! I'm about to hit you full in the face with my 2008 Mets scouting report! You have to indulge me! No pandering to non-baseball fans with pictures of the sexy-sexy for scouting reports! It's the Mets! You get the ace! Johan Santana! Using that change-up to sneak in the back door of your souls!

So what's in store for Mets fans (a.k.a. B&E readers) in 2008?!

Starting pitching!
The best four-and-a-half man rotation in baseball or under-performing tired-out tossers? If last year's any indication, it depends on the month!

The ace! Johan Santana! He replaces Tommy-Gun Glavine! $137.5 million cheap! And he works once every five or six days! I want that job!

Number two! Pedro! No wait! It's John Maine! He's younger! Best spring training in baseball! He's Mr. March! Look out!

Number three! Pedro! He hasn't pitched in a spring training game this year! He's a veteran! Practice is for fags! Bullpen be ready! Minor leaguers be even readier for that early call-up! Pedro! Make your appointment with the doctor now! Great clubhouse guy!

Number four! O Perez! Oh, puh-leeze! You give me agita! Throw strikes!

Number five! El Duque or Mike Pelfrey! Oy!

More pitching!
Best bullpen in the National League or under-performing tired-out tossers? Wait! I used that line for the starters!

Billy Wagner! The closer's even older this year! Heilman! Poor bastard still wants to start! Pedro Feliciano! Not that Pedro! Duaner Sanchez! Dirty's still hurt! Scott Schoewenouewnweiscz! HGH made his name longer! Jorge Sosa! Like Sammy only a pitcher not on the juice! Joe Smith! Don't submarine yourself back to the minors!

Stay tuned for the B&E Scouting Report on the position players!

LET'S GO METS!

Here It Comes!

That right, B&E readers (a.k.a. baseball fans)! We're less than a week from Opening Day! I've been doing very little reporting from this year's spring training, but inside, I've been feeling hope, optimism, and despair--those emotions every Mets fan feels throughout the baseball season.

Let's go, Mets! Let's finalize that tenure at the industrial dump called Shea Stadium with a World Series victory!

Yes, we can! We are the change we've been waiting for!

Oh, the Love. Yes, the Love

I was a bit busy this week, which kept me from writing a proper Valentine's Day post.

On February 14th...

PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORTED TO SPRING TRAINING! Let's go Mets! Save the team, Johan Santana!

Baseball, I've missed you. I love you so.

The Good News of Yesterday

Rudy Giuliani came in a distant third in Florida, and THE METS GOT JOHAN SANTANA! Yes, there's still a deal to be worked out, but specifics shmecifics.

All of you B&E readers (aka baseball fans) are probably surprised and dismayed at my lack of baseball reporting during this off-season. Well, I've been quiet because the Mets have been quiet. I'm not going to spend valuable time reporting about a mediocre catcher and a few fair relievers.

But Johan Santana is news indeed. The Mets will begin the season with a legitimate number one starter, and it feels good, B&E readers, I won't lie.

All of you non-baseball fans out there have had a good break from the baseball story, so no hunky picture today. I barely have time for this post, must less all the searching it would take to find a photo of, say, sexy Rudy Giuliani.

Dickhead(s) of the Week - Sportswriters

Don't know if you heard, but there was a small news item this week about steroids in baseball. If you blinked you may have missed it.

Right.

So baseball is full of cheaters, including one of the greatest of all time, Roger Clemens. Who the hell is surprised? I say it a lot, and I've written it a lot: ballplayers are assholes.

The Mitchell Report was careful to state that the performance enhancing drug issue was a "collective failure":

Everybody in baseball — commissioners, club officials, the players’ association, players — shares responsibility.

I know that technically owners fall into the category of "club officials," but as the people who benefited most from the home run derby years of Major League Baseball, I would've liked to see them get a special call-out.

And as usual, brilliant sportswriter David Zirin has addressed the free pass given to the owners with more knowledge and eloquence than I can provide with my complete lack of journalistic experience and time for investigating. I implore you, as usual, to read his fine work.

David touches on the topic I'm really gearing up to here: the media's role, and more specifically, sportswriters. Seriously, what a bunch of Dickheads (not you, of course, David Zirin).

I caught wind of this self-righteous piece of shit article yesterday, in which US sportswriters express their dismay at the widespread use of performance enhancers and the baseball player "freak show."

Fuck you, Dickheads. Are you not journalists? Who better to discover and expose a widespread problem in baseball than the people trained in investigation that have access to dugouts and clubhouses? Why didn't you ask why ballplayers were suddenly looking larger? Why didn't you find out why so many men went up four hat sizes? Where did those thirty-six-inch biceps come from? It's your job to find shit out and report on it. Where have you been?

Seriously, any Dickhead reporter full of self-righteous indignation, dismay, or shock should be fired for incompetence.

Yes, I Love the Off-Season, Too

Hello, baseball fans!

The sports pages haven't stopped talking about baseball, but I have. Until now!

At some point in the next month, it appears we're going to get ourselves some official names of Known Banned Substance Users, or KnaBSUs, as I like to call them. Many of these KnaBSUs are current players. So that's always a good time. Which of your favorite mediocre players were/are KnaBSUs?

But once again, I feel the need to point you all in the direction of another fine Nation article, this one by the ever-faithful David Zirin. The Department of Justice has spent a fortune working up to an indictment of Barry Bonds, everyone's favorite ballplayer. And yet, as David so pointedly writes...

In the case of Baseball Fans vs. the Anabolic Era, everyone is guilty: not just players but all who were part of the assembly line that put the drugs in their veins. That means coaches, managers, trainers, the compliant media, and even the owners. It also means that a certain former Texas Rangers baseball executive now in the White House who did nothing while his players like José Canseco passed around the juice would get asked questions under the hot lights.

Oh, David, your voice rings out as beautifully as Naomi Klein's.

I haven't made much noise about my man-crush on Russ "Oh, So" Feingold in the past year or so. The heart is a fickle little muscle, dear B&E readers. (For those of you who'd like to revisit my days of loving sweet Russell, browse the entries in the spring of 2006. There are simply too many potential links.)

But if David Zirin keeps up such fine work (for fun about Imus, read the little ditty that turned up in the LA Times), I might find myself with a man-crush to replace Russell "Thou Art So Mighty" Feingold.

Hey, you non-baseball fans, even though this posting has little to do with baseball, I'm going to throw you two bones. The first of course is Russ "Damn, You" Feingold:


The second, as you may have predicted, is progressive sportswriter, David Zirin, whose name is a lot harder to make nicknames out of. David "Beer 'n" Zirin?


Do these fellas do it for you? If they don't there's something seriously wrong with you.

B&E 2007 Baseball Summary

Yes, it was a full season of baseball, and now it's over and the Red Sox won the World Series and I've already bored myself. What else happened in Major League Baseball's 2007 Season?

Barry Bonds
Yes, that's right: Barry Bonds broke the... Ooh! Looky! Steroids!

Colorado Rockies
The Rockies have been one of my favorite baseball subjects over the past couple years (second to the Mets, of course) because they're on a mission from God. Well, they toned down the God-talk a bit this year, using coded language instead, and ended the season on a tear. Prior to the World Series, they won 21 of 22 games. Yes, Jesus, that's pretty good. So what happened in the Fall Classic? Not sure. Perhaps God mistook the World Series for the Sabbath and rested. The Rockies sure seemed to take a load off.

New York Mets
What a fantastic demise! No one's ever done it so well. Jimmy Rollins really made the Mets eat it this season. Yes, the Mets were 10-0 in the games I attended. The problem is I only attended one of those games in September. I accept full responsibility for the Mets massive choking. Because it certainly couldn't have been the starting pitching, the exhausted bullpen, or the total disappearance of Jose Reyes' ability to hit. By the way, the storied career of Tom Glavine, winner of more than 300, may have just ended with the single worst outing of his entire life, conveniently during the final day of the season when the Mets needed him most. I think he'll come back next year just so he doesn't end on that sour note. It just probably won't be with the Mets.

New York Yankees
Remember Joe Torre? Yeah, he's a Dodger now. He told Yanks management to shove their offer, and he loaded up his truck and moved to Beverly. Hills, that is. Swimming pools, movie stars, and a washed-up Dodgers baseball club. Good luck, Joe. I was gifted a couple of tickets to Game 3 of the Yankees/Indians series. So I saw Joe Torre's last win as a Yankee and what will likely be Roger Clemens' last start. Pulled hammy my ass. Take some Vioxx and get the fuck back on the mound.

A-Rod
Apparently $27,000,000 isn't enough. So he opted out of his contract. It would be nice if general managers everywhere were to pay attention to the fact that he doesn't bring success with him. It would be fantastic if he made less money next year because he opted out of his contract. It won't happen, but a bald dude can dream, can't he?

Rudy Giuliani
The guy's an ass hole.

Bobby Cox
Major props to Bobby for breaking the all-time ejection record. Gosh, he sure gets mad.

Banned Substances
Steroids, speed, HGH, greenies, weed, coke, Marion Jones, dope, LSD, PCP, angel dust, gateway drugs... Anyone else tired of hearing about this crap. Let's play ball, for Christ's sake. And if you're the Rockies, I mean play ball for Christ's sake!

Aw, shit. Wait until next year? I miss baseball already.

UPDATE 11/3/07: As Missy so correctly pointed out in the comments section of B&E, I forgot my photo for non-baseball fans. Since I know Missy is a fan of Zach Braff, I give you...

American League Fan

The New York media has been quite atwitter about the revelation that Rudy Giuliani is rooting for the Boston Red Sox in the World Series of Baseball on Fox - (tm) and (r) and (c).

I buy the argument that he's an American League fan one hundred percent.

It is also his allegiance to the American League that illuminates one reason why he's unfit for the presidency:

The American League game is much simpler than the National League game. The American League uses the Designated Hitter, which takes the nuance out of the game. The focus is on offense. There's a lot less strategy. Manager moves are more black and white. It's a game of brute force over strategy.

I think we've seen enough of that type of presidency for the time being.

Vote for Not Rudy!

A Pervert on the 7

Apparently, over the weekend, some pervert exposed himself to a woman on the 7 train. This happens from time to time. There are millions of men living in NYC. A few are bound to be perverts. And ride the subway. And root for the Yankees.

That's right: the flasher was wearing a Yankees jersey, and the woman he flashed got a picture of him on her camera phone.

If it's 4:30am and the pervert's riding the 7 train, the pervert very likely lives in Queens on the subway line that goes to Shea Stadium, which, as we all know, is where the Mets play.

What the hell was that pervert doing in a Yankees' jersey? Fuck you, pervert.

Ah, to Have Roger Cedeno Out of my Life

It's always bothered me (a lot) that Roger Cedeno held the Mets record for most stolen bases in a season. This is a guy for whom sportswriters created a shortcut key in order to type more efficiently, "Cedeno misplayed a fly ball, resulting in a triple."

Well, Jose Reyes finally swiped enough bases to get Roger out of the Mets' record books. And I couldn't be more pleased about it. Even though the Mets can't seem to beat the Padres.

Ladies (and gay men), enjoy this hunky photo of Professoro Reyes, who first will steal the base and then will steal your heart.

As for me, dear B&E readers, I'm heading out to Shea tomorrow night to see if I can keep my winning streak alive and improve to 9-0 this season. Let's go Mets!

They're Out!

I'm admittedly late on both of these items, but I couldn't just let them go either.

First is Karl Rove, of course. He resigned, sure, but until he's in prison (or is otherwise not able to resurface), I see no real reason to celebrate. The Daily Show has some good videos online on the subject, and I suggest you watch them.

The second item is Bobby Cox. In a season with Bonds breaking Aaron's home run record, Glavine winning his 300th, and A-Rod becoming the youngest to hit 500 home runs, Bobby Cox quietly (yet vociferously) broke the record for most ejections in Major League history. He went seven-and-a-half weeks without getting the heave-ho, but he finally did it Tuesday night. It was his 134th ejection, just 28 shy of a full season's worth of ejections.

I feel a little bad making Bobby share this posting with Boba Rove. I like Bobby a lot better. Even though he manages for the most hated Atlanta Braves. But an offensive tomahawk chop is really nothing next to the corruption and hatred fostered by "Bush's Brain."

UPDATE: I didn't know, when I wrote earlier this morning, that Cox was ejected from last night's game as well. The man's on a roll now. Look out!

Three Baseball Milestones

In the last week, Alex Rodriguez became the youngest player to hit 500 home runs, Tom Glavine won his 300th game, and Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's hallowed home run record.

Because A-Rod and Barry are both jerks, I won't say much more about those guys, except to point out that Barry's record-breaking home run ball was caught by a fella from Queens who was wearing a Jose Reyes jersey. Sweet.

But this 300 wins thing is happening less and less it seems. There's even some speculation that Tommy Gun, the 23rd to join the list of pitchers who accomplished the feat, might be the last to do so.

And I tell you what: when I think about what it takes to win 300 games, my mind gets just a tad blown. You have to win 15 games a year across a span 20 years, or 20 games across 15 years, or any number of other equally impressive math equations.

You've gotta stay healthy, you've gotta play for a team (or teams) that give you run support, and you have to be not only good but one of the best for two-plus decades. And when I think about it like that I don't see how anyone has ever done it. I mean, Cy Young won 511 games, but he was playing primarily against wood nymphs, I think.

Way to go, Tommy Gun. I know that at heart you're an Atlanta Braves man, but I'm happy you've been a Met during the waning years of your career. If you could help them win a World Series this year, you could really retire on a high note.

Another Epic Battle Between Good and Evil

So I finally did some research about this other New York baseball team I'd been hearing rumors about. Turns out they're called the Yankees. They're not doing so well this season, except during one stretch when they were super-hot. During their hot stretch, the New York Mets were particularly cold.

I also discovered a Mets/Yankees prediction made by Sybil Trelawney (stored in the Department of Mysteries), who said, "Neither can live while the other survives."

A Truly Impressive Record

Baseball is very excited and divided about this Barry Bonds fella that's about to break Hank Aaron's home run record. Barry's a cheater! Barry is great! Barry's a jerk.

For my money, though, there's no better record than the one Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox tied last night. Bobby Cox has pissed off a lot of umpires in his day. On 131 occasions, he's pissed off an umpire so much, they've tossed him from the game.

After (perhaps) Ty Cobb, the angriest man in the history of baseball was a player and manager named John McGraw. McGraw was affiliated with the New York Giants during the days of the great Christy Mathewson. Christy was a peaceful, calm man, the yin to McGraw's yang. McGraw was a fighting Irishman. As a player and a manager, he was thrown out of 131 games. Many thought it was an unbreakable record.

Until Bobby Cox started managing. He never got thrown out as a player, so his 131 games have only been while he's serving as the leader and example to his players.

Well done, Mr. Bobby Cox. I salute you.

And if you get thrown out of 31 more games, you will have been tossed out of an entire season of baseball. It might seem to be an unreachable goal, but if anyone can do it, you can.

I Gotta Go to More Games

Anyone who's been paying attention lately will know that the Mets have been absolutely terrible during June. Yes, they're in first place still, but that's only because the rest of their division has been doing just as terribly.

But I have the answer to the Mets' woes. You see, I've been to six ballgames this season so far, and the Mets have won all six. Their overall record at home as of this morning is 19-18. Without my six games, they'd be 13-18.

I've sat all over the stadium - above the foul pole (as pictured), level with third base in the corporate seats, in the mezzanine above home plate, ten rows back from the field a few yards beyond first base, and smack in the middle of the upper deck. The result has always been the same: Mets win.

If my budget and schedule allowed, I'd be out at Shea every day. I could single-handedly win the Mets a World Series ring.

My Favorite Former Met

With the emphasis on former...

Two nights ago, legendary Mets closer Armando Benitez (legendary for blowing the most important saves of any given season) and (almost) current closer for the San Francisco Giants balked twice, one balk of which scored the tying run. Armando responded in typical fashion and gave up a dinger to the next batter to lose the game for the Giants.

The Giants traded him to the Florida Marlins the next day. The good news is that he'll be facing the Mets many, many more times. I figure he's got a few games to win for the Mets (now that he'll be facing them more often) to make up for all the ones he lost in the playoffs while playing for them.

If that doesn't make any sense, I blame the coffee sitting in front of me, which I haven't had a chance to drink yet.

Yankiani

Some of you may have heard that Rudolph Giuliani is running for president. It's been in the news here and there, and apparently some people are interested. This week, he officially confirmed that he supports abortion rights, gun control, and gay rights. And yet, he still hopes he can win the Republican Party nomination for President.

You can't be mayor of New York City without being liberal on the social issues. After all we're a bunch of baby-killing queers. We just won't use guns to kill the babies.

I doubt there are many B&E readers who are considering voting for Rudy, but in case you are, I implore you to take a hard look at his other qualities, values, and political positions. There's much that can be said negatively about Rudy, and I really wish that the rest of the country would listen to New Yorkers about this one. I haven't yet had enough coffee to begin addressing the myriad reasons to loathe Rudy.

One undeniable truth about Rudolph Giuliani is that he's a Yankees fan. I mention this not because it's one reason I dislike the man. In fact, unabashed fandom is sort of charming, no matter the team.

But an article from today's New York Times discusses the relationship between the man and the team, and sheds some light on the corrupt policies he spearheaded on the Yankees' behalf while in office. And all he got in return were the best seats in the House that Ruth Built and four World Series rings.

New York City owns Yankee Stadium. So New York City is the landlord to the Yankees. And yet...

In seasons when millions of people arrived, the team managed to pay less in rent for the use of Yankee Stadium than the residents of the nearby St. Mary’s public housing project paid in a month.

How very presidential of you, Rudy.

Of Baldness and Steroids

As Bald Bro (if that is indeed his name) wrote in the comments section, the Mets have collectively shaved their heads. Holdouts include Aaron Sele (who promises to do it on Friday after his Thursday family photo) and Jose Reyes (who has the most gorgeous locks of all Mets). Shawn Green is experiencing some shaver's remorse, after he received a disappointed shake of the head from his wife.

Will the baldness make them effective? Since Carlos Beltran wielded his $119,000,000 clippers, the Mets are 2-0. To steal from the New York Post: PLAY BALD, BOYS!

Meanwhile the steroids scandal has hit yet another fever pitch. Investigators are requesting doctors' records of a number of current and former Major League players, including Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa. Under oath in front of Congress, Raffy said, "I've never done steroids. Period." During the season that followed, naturally, he tested positive for steroids.

Also under oath, through his lawyer, Sammy said, "I've never taken illegal performance enhancement drugs." Well, I guess "legal in the Dominican Republic" beats a perjury rap.

I gotta say, going after the players is bullshit. I'm not going to defend the players. As I've said on many occasions, baseball players -- like every jock any of us have ever met in our lives -- are assholes. They're idiots that do stupid shit and deserve none of our sympathy. They're after the most money and glory possible for a few short years, and like all greedy pricks, they're greedy. And pricks. Of course they're going to do steroids, i.e. cheat. Why anyone has higher expectations of baseball players is totally beyond my comprehension.

But (and I'm sure I've mentioned this before, too) there's another group of greedy pricks that are being given a free ride. I'm talking of course about the owners. Of course they knew their players were using steroids. Of course they offered giant contracts to the sluggers that were filling the seats. At best they looked the other way. At worst they encouraged it.

You remember those recordings of the Enron employees laughing about making a fortune while California was experiencing rolling blackouts? The federal investigators didn't go after those guys. They went after the men in charge.

Come on, former Senator George Mitchell, Democrat of Maine. If you're investigating the steroid problem, go after the men (always men) in charge. I want to see some owners held accountable.

Maybe Dubya the President is immune from criminal charges. But Dubya the Texas Rangers Owner had one Sammy Sosa on his team. What the hell did Dubya know about steroids and when did he know it?

We're Now a Two-Mets-Cap Household

The missus got us some free tickets to this past Tuesday night's Mets game. I tell you, the missus is a fine woman. And the seats may have been the best I've ever had at Shea. Ten rows from the field about thirty feet behind first base. Carlos Delgado is a large fella.

We were so damned close to the action that the missus' napkin ended up on the field.


I'll limit the talk about the game itself to saying that it was the best game of the year so far, with a come-from-behind victory in 12 innings sparked by some outstanding pitching and a couple of bench players.

We also took my Mets money for a spin. It's been burning a hole in my pocket. Foot-long Nathan's and a big fucking Pepsi in a souvenir cup. Then we dropped by the Mets Clubhouse Shop on the field level.

The missus thinks that Shawn Green's a cutie, so she was considering a #20 ladies jersey. I told her that his wasn't the best jersey in which to invest, as he probably wouldn't be here beyond this season. But she has yet to enjoy the excitement of Jose Reyes in person, and no one wants to be Mrs. Wright yet this season.

Alyssa Milano has a new line of baseball fashion for ladies, but we didn't stop for very long at that rack. You might be surprised to learn that her designs are a bit on the trashy side. The missus is not trashy.

So we focused on caps. There were some decent caps for ladies. And she almost went with a nice light blue number made out of a light cotton. But much to the missus' credit, she said, "But what about the caps that look like what the players wear." I swear to Christ, a tear nearly came to my eye.

For some reason, men's caps are huge. I've mentioned this in a previous (and recent) posting. The missus' head was positively swimming in them.

Then, off to the side, almost hidden from view, we saw it. From the Cooperstown Collection. I assume that means it's a classic design, but it didn't look familiar to me. Granted, I didn't pay much attention to the Mets in the 70s.

Still, this cap is beautiful. I'm almost jealous. I mean, I love my new Official Mets Batting Practice Cap, complete with racing stripe and NASCAR style, but the missus found a hat I've never seen anyone else wear. It's simple and lovely.

It's also adjustable, which means that I can wear it when the missus isn't looking.

Me Likey the Mets Money

In what might be becoming an annual tradition, Ma got me some Mets Money for Christmas. Use it like cash anywhere at Shea Stadium! Thanks again, Ma!

A few weeks ago I "won" a lottery giving me the opportunity to buy tickets to the Mets home opener (the second-to-last home opener at Shea Stadium). So I scheduled a day off from work and lined my pockets with Mets Money, waiting for the moment to arrive. It was this past Monday.

The game was great, etc. Come-from-behind victory and lots of booing on Jimmy Rollins' head. Exciting.

But e'en more exciting was that I used some Mets Money to buy myself my first-ever properly-licensed, not-given-out-for-free-at-the-stadium Mets cap. It was 40-degrees at game time, so I was wearing my pirated knit Mets stocking cap, and the freebie FoxSports Met cap has been long ruined by my sweaty tendencies.

Inside my souvenir stand MasterCard-sponsored gift bag, however, was the most exciting purchase I've ever made at Shea (and more exciting than the Carvel ice cream in souvenir mini-helmet is pretty goddamned exciting): The Official Mets Batting Practice Cap.

I've tried to buy Mets caps before. But the official caps have always been too square for my head. They look absolutely ridiculous on me. As you can see, this Official Mets Batting Practice Cap has a rounded top. It lays nicely over my bald dome.

Plus, the Official Mets Batting Practice Cap is kind of tacky. Note the orange racing stripe and the black stretchy material above the ear. It gives it a sort of NASCAR feel. Most of the other people wearing this cap at Shea on opening day were giant Italian dudes. I like fitting in with the giant Italian dudes.

During spring training I read an article about how some of the players hate the newly designed Official Mets Batting Practice Caps. This is another reason I like it. It's controversial. Like Imus only not racist.

But perhaps the biggest reason to love my Official Mets Batting Practice Cap is its technology. It wicks sweat away from one's head. As I mentioned, it was sweat that ruined my freebie cap. I'm a sweater. No denying it. It might be snowing at the beginning of this baseball season, but eventually, it will be nearly 100-degrees, and I'm gonna need help keeping my poor, bald head dry. My white-trash Official Mets Batting Practice Cap will do that for me.

I wear a cap of some sort every day (I have to protect my tender scalp from the sun during my walk across the Brooklyn Bridge). And I've been working at the new job since the end of September. In the cooler weather, I've been wearing a Scottish tartan wool golfing cap or a stocking cap to protect my ears.

So yesterday, when I put on my Official Mets Batting Practice Cap to leave for the day, the response I got from coworkers was, "You don't wear baseball caps!"

Oh, colleagues. I don't just wear baseball caps. I wear the Official Mets Batting Practice Cap.

Xady Watch - Remember Who!

Faithful B&E readers will remember Xavier Nady or "Who," whom the Mets traded in a panic last season. Poor Who, who had carried the Mets' offense during a couple of small slumps for the potent lineup, went from playing for the first-place Mets to the last-place Pirates.

Who, who remains in Pittsburgh this season, has been instrumental to the Pirates' early success. For the first time since 1802 (I think), the Pirates got themselves off to a 3-0 start, and in two of those games our old friend Who, in whom the manager has great faith, hit home runs.

Who, whose career batting average hovers around .267, is batting .267 so far this season. But those two homers deserve some love here at B&E. And while Xady Watch will certainly not be a regular feature any longer (after all, I heart the Mets), Who, whom I remember fondly, will remain on the radar.

And wouldn't it be just grand if Who, who plays in the weak National League Central Division, led the small-market Pirates to the post-season? I mean, OK, we're just four games into the season, and the Pirates have now lost a game, but a large-market fan can dream, no?

Who can lead better than Who? If not Who, whom?

(Please don't analyze for grammar. I'm still recovering from my platform vomiting, and I'm fighting a migraine this morning.)

Mets Scouting Report! Position Players!

Hello again, B&E Readers/Mets fans! The past 36 hours or so have been brutal, I'm sure! The suspense! The anticipation! The questions! "What about the bats?" "What about the gloves?" "What might the lineup look like?" "Tell us, Mr. B&E!" But that last one's not a question!

The powerful offense from last year is back! And only one year older! What could possibly go wrong?

Willie might be mixing up the lineup! Then again, maybe he won't! He reads Judy Blume!

The Marquee Names!
The cornerstones of a franchise, or flashy overpaid anvils weighing down the options of the front office? We lob it in, you hit it out of the park!

Wright & Reyes! I believe the children are our future! Still young! Still exuberant! They're the left side of the infield for the next many years! They like each other a lot! They wear pink! I'm not implying anything!

Carlos & Carlos! Beltran rebounded last year! Continue the good work! But this time, hit over .300! Delgado and his wife had a baby! He named him Carlos! After Beltran!

The Other Starters!
Solid support system good for a few runs, or mediocrity masquerading as "the team to beat"? We share, you care!

Paul LoDuca! Catcher! Gambler! All-Star! Would be the best player on many other teams!

Moises Alou! Left Field! Old! Replaced Clifford Motherfuckin' Floyd! A gamble? Ask LoDuca!

Shawn Green! Right Field! He's a has-been! He's a still-can! He's a Jew!

Jose Valentin! Second Base! Played there all of last year, and I still can't believe it!

The Remainders!
Excellent emergency fill-ins, or rally-killers biding their time on the bench? We don't know, and you don't either!

Lastings Milledge! Great name! Bad attitude! Better attitude this spring! Won his roster spot by playing well and not being a jerk! Could replace Green or Alou in the outfield if one them stinks like my drunken uncle!

Julio Franco! Grandpa! Endy Chavez! Great catch against the Cards! David Newhan! His dad's a sportswriter! Ramon Castro! Perennial backup catcher! Damion Easley! Who dat?

Tomorrow's the day, B&E readers! Mets vs. Cards! Rematch of last year's NLCS! Only less meaningful!

LET'S GO METS!

Mets Scouting Report! Pitching!

Greetings, B&E readers, or "Mets fans," as I like to call you these days!

That's right! Opening Day is nearly here! And I'm sure you've been asking yourself: "How will the Mets fare this year? Where the hell is the official B&E scouting report?"

It's right the hell here, Mets fans!

Only 162 games until post-season!

Pitching!
Experienced Veterans Ready to Lead, or Broken-down Old Farts in Adult Diapers? We report, you decide!

Number-One Starter! Tom "Tommy Gun" Glavine! He felt numbness in his fingertips last season! What will it be this season? A stroke? At 75-years-young he's a cantankerous wannabe hockey player, so watch for the high stick as he ekes his way toward win number 300!

Number-Two Starter! Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez! He claims he's 41! But he's Cuban, so who the fuck knows? Either way, he's got arthritis in this neck! And yet, with that high kick, his hammies are ready for duty!

More pitching!
Youthful Exuberance Ready to Unleash Its Power, or Yellow Rubes Without the Sense of a Goat? We say it, you spray it!

Number-Three Starter! John Maine! Like the state! And sunken battleship! He'll win 25 games and a Cy Young Award! Or maybe he'll suffer from the Sophomore Slump! It's possible he'll be exactly average! That covers everything!

Number-Four Starter! O-As-In-O-My-Lord Perez! He's a head case! He's got wicked stuff! He's a head case! He's got wicked stuff! Make up your mind! He's a head case with wicked stuff! Keep your eye out for the yips!

Number-Five Starter! Mike "Bats in the" Pelfrey! He's ready for prime time! He needs time to mature! Mature fast, Mikey! You're on! And keep that fastball down in the strike zone!

Even more pitching!
The Most Reliable and Durable Bullpen in Baseball, or Fragile Former Starters With Bruised Egos? We heard it, you repeat it!

Billy Wagner! Lefty power losing power! Aaron Heilman! Elbow tendinitis! Duaner Sanchez! D.L.! Chan Ho Park! Korean! Pedro Feliciano! Sultry vocals! Aaron Sele! Old! Joe Smith! Poor man's Chad Bradford! Guillermo Mota! Suspended 50 games for steroids! Scott Schoeweneweis! Third behind Grudzielanek and Mientkiewicz for hardest last name! Ambiorix Something! Cut me some slack! I remembered Ambiorix!

And Pedro! What about Pedro! We'll get one great game out of him in August! Great clubhouse guy!

Stay tuned for the scouting report on the position players!

LET'S GO METS!

Vilsack Out

And I'm not implying that he's gay.

Tom Vilsack was the first to be cut from the Democratic Team. Despite batting .089 and being constantly overlooked for pinch-hitting duties, Tom resented that some of the other star players were getting paid a whole lot more than he was.

Yes, it was the money that Tom blamed. But players from Iowa often become coaches, getting behind their favorite players with the hope that they'll end up with a contract in the bigs.

So Vilsack may be cut from the roster, but remaining players will still be looking for some tips.

Maybe they'll be looking to boost their batting averages 89 points.

2008 Presidential Spring Training

We enter the political season with hope. If you're Mike Huckabee, you enter the political season from Hope, just like Bubba Clinton.

But we don't yet know who's playing for what team, and we've got ourselves a shitload of prospects to wade through.

The current roster for Team Democrat is pretty damned crowded:

Hillary Clinton - This veteran will rely on pedigree and the reflected glory of a retired player firmly behind her, which sounds a lot dirtier than it was intended. But can she inspire the entire team? Will her reach for the middle ground compromise her talents on the field? And can she cultivate a fan base from the legions who already hate her?

John Edwards - We are finally seeing the real John Edwards. In spring training he's batting .324. But it's been mostly singles. And while a few of us appreciate the value of the on-base-percentage, at this stage in the game, people want to see some slugging. Without a demonstrative show of power at some point, Edwards is likely to be sent back down to triple-A, where he's spent the last four years fighting poverty.

Barack Obama - No one will forget how, when called up briefly to the majors in 2004, Obama hit twelve dingers in a row during the Democratic National Convention. He inspired. He spoke mightily. Then, later, he showed even more skill with a laid-back chat during which he hit another four home runs one handed. Things seemed effortless for this young player. But he's a rookie. Is he a flash in the pan? Or does he have a Hall of Fame career ahead of him? Some of us are still waiting to see.

Bill Richardson - Keep your eye on Bill. He might surprise some people. He's got a cannon for a throwing arm, and (in spite of his girth) has the speed to steal home. He's also Latino, and we've all seen how much success they've had in the majors. Is he Roberto Clemente or Rafael Landestoy?

Joe Biden - Joe is another player to watch. Especially on those occasions that he hits to the right-centerfield gap and circles the bases the wrong way.

Christopher Dodd - He pitched a perfect game last week. No one cared.

Dennis Kucinich - Dennis is a vegan, and we're not quite sure how he got into the clubhouse.

Mike Gravel and Tom Vilsack - We expect one of these two guys to be the first to get cut from the team. Maybe one of them will have a spectacular spring. But it would take a really spectacular spring for them to get noticed.

Al Gore - Al Gore claims that he's retired. The question remains: Is he retired like Roger Clemens or does he mean it?


The current roster for Team Republican is even more crowded:

Rudolph Giuliani - Rudy took over the pitching duties on 9/11, and promptly became "America's Mayor." But America's Mayor then decided that he should continue pitching for the next several years without a reliever. A moment of brilliance on the mound doesn't make up for the years of choking us New Yorkers are used to seeing.

John McCain - McCain has convinced everyone he's a moderate. One is not moderate just because one is honest. If you look at his career, he's very conservative. He's just honestly conservative. But the religious right thinks he's moderate, which will make it difficult for him to get through the primary. I have no appropriate baseball analogy for McCain. Feel free to post one in the comments section.

Sam Brownback - Former Dickhead of the Week, Brownback is popular among the right-wing zealots. He leads prayer groups in the dugout, prayer groups on the team plane, and prayer groups on the field-of-play itself. If Sam manages to make it out of the primary to lead his Team, I'd like to think that he doesn't have a prayer in winning.

Tom Tancredo - Another former Dickhead of the Week, Tancredo should be a fun player to watch. You can feel the hatred coming off him as he runs around the bases, sucker-punching all the Latino shortstops in the league. His biggest fear is that New Mexicans will cross the border into Colorado. Watch for the late-breaking curveballs.

Mike Huckabee - Most famous for losing 150 pounds, he's also from Bill Clinton's hometown. He claims he's now fit for the majors, but he's got a long way to go to convince those that count.

Mitt Romney - Romney's a switch-hitter. Once pro-choice, now pro-life. Once Mormon, now... not? But his first name is Mitt, which makes him one hell of a catcher. (I don't know, man. I'm losing steam here.)

Others - There are literally about another dozen candidates and potential candidates vying for the top spot on the roster. If any of them become relevant, I'll revisit their lack of presence here.

The Three Best Words in the English Language

As we approach Valentine's Day, I feel it's necessary to say a word or two about the three best words in the English language. I'm referring, of course, to...

PITCHERS AND CATCHERS!

That's right, dear B&E readers