It's Always the Chinese Crested

Some of you may recall Elwood, last year's winner of the Ugliest Dog in the World Competition. Elwood was a Chinese Crested. A really fucked up looking Chinese Crested.

This year's winner was another Chinese Crested, an ugly bugger called Gus (pictured here for your reference and enjoyment). Unfortunately, what this particular photo does is show Gus from his best angle. You can only just see his missing eye and leg.

Yes, it's fair to say that Gus is ugly. Even with the missing parts, though, I don't think he can hold a candle to Elwood.

Still, that Chinese Crested is one ugly breed.

You Don't Call, You Don't Write

An Antarctica seal was caught on film attempting to copulate with a king penguin.

"Oh, baby, you know just what papa likes... I'm tired..."

Scientists witnessing the event hypothesize that a) the seal was an inexperienced adolescent male who didn't really know what he was doing; b) it was a playful act that turned unexpectedly amorous; or c) it was a predatory act that turned unexpectedly amorous. Seals are apparently known to hunt the penguins.

Whatever the seal's intent, the BBC writes this gem:

After 45 minutes the seal... swam into the water and then completely ignored the bird it had just assaulted, the scientists report.

Well, that seal certainly behaves like an adolescent male.

The BBC also reports that the penguin was not harmed physically. There's a surprising lack of mention at the emotional fallout.

The Little Hedgehog Got Hurt

Aw, the widdy piddy baby hedgehog got himself widdle boo boo. Aawwww, two widdle boo boos.

Yeah, so it turns out this baby hedgehog is sick because of warm weather. All these abandoned baby hedgehogs can't freakin' hibernate because the fall has been too mild in the UK.

So they're all tired and they're falling out of trees or holes or hedges or wherever the hell hedgehogs fall out of, and...


AWWWWWW... Wooky the biddy hedgy-hedgy wit da witty cast as he wimps awound da woom.

Seriously, the whole thing is totally fucked up, and the lawyer who sent me this should totally be ashamed of herself.

But hey, if you want to read more you can check this out. I should warn you that I've already posted the cute pictures, though.

Queenie the Cow

Apparently, there was a cow loose in Queens last night.

Look, I know I grew up in Kansas and all, but she's not mine, so stop asking.

That Other B&E

Two words for you today, B&E readers: Bald Eagles.

Some say bald eagles represent America. But it's so much more. Bald eagles are the symbol of all things bald. They represent total liberty from hair. Freedom from follicles spread across their wings like peanut butter across a slice of Wonder Bread.

And good news! Now, bald eagles off the endangered species list.

It's grand that bald eagles are making a comeback. But the truly good news is that I can have one of these fellas in my home. I just have to go out and shoot the shit out of one, get it stuffed, and staple it to the wall.

As a bald man, I've earned a bald eagle. Hell, I've earned as many bald eagles as I can kill. They represent me. I am a bald American.

You Should See the Other One

So this dog won the World's Ugliest Dog competition held (where else?) in Petaluma, California.

The most remarkable thing about this story is not that Elwood won the competition or that he was rescued from being put to death by his breeder (who believed he was too ugly to sell).

No, dear B&E readers. The most remarkable thing is that, in last year's World's Ugliest Dog competition, Elwood came in second.

Dachshunds, Dachshunds Everywhere!

A few months ago, I mentioned the semi-annual Parade of the Dachshunds. Well, in celebration of yesterday's gorgeous spring day in New York City, the dachshunds came out to play once again in Washington Square Park.

This is the second time I've made a point of attending the Dachshund Parade, but my fifth attendance overall. It seems I've got a sixth sense for weenie dogs, perhaps acquired during my formative years while we had our own dachshund in the house.

Overall, I'd say this was a slightly less exciting Parade. Costumes were fewer and tamer, and the organizers were a little slow to gather the people together to sing the Dachs Song.

Still, it was well worth the time and trip, as the following photos will attest. Dachshunds, by the way, are not easy to photograph. They have a bit of a hard time standing still, particularly when there are so many asses-at-nose-level to sniff.

Some dogs don't seem to amused to be the subject of such humiliation:



Others are perfectly happy:



Some dachshunds make political statements:



Note that this little sailor's on a hot dog leash, which is making him salivate:


Then there are the dachshunds that are just being dachshunds:

Your Cell Phone Is Killing Bees

As many of you may know, it is my goal to be the last New York City resident without a cell phone. I've been accused of being stupid, Luddite, contrary, and (perhaps most frustrating to some) unreachable. The only reason I don't want a cell phone is that I don't like them.

I have myriad reasons for not liking cell phones: I don't like talking on the phone in general, I want to be truly unreachable sometimes, I believe in making plans, the worst pedestrians are usually on the phone, there's no goddamn peace anywhere a phone is allowed, cell phones kill bees, and more.

That's right: there's now some hard evidence linking radiation from cell phones to Colony Collapse Disorder, which has wiped out between 60% and 70% of apiaries on both US coasts. Watch the price of honey explode first. Then sit back in wonder as the pollination process declines. As the article points out, Albert Einstein said that once the bees disappear, humankind has four years of life left. Good times.

And as if I needed more reasons to stay away from cell phones, the bottom of the linked article also proposes still-unproven theories (only because long-term effects can't be known yet) of health problems caused by handsets, including brain tumors, low sperm counts, the death of brain cells resulting in early senility, and "text thumb."

Text thumb? Text thumb?!

It's only a matter of time before cell phones are proven to cause homosexuality, premarital sex, and abortion.

Enjoy your cell phones, everybody! You can reach me at home on my goddamn land line. Although I probably won't pick up. So email me instead.

Aw, crap. I bet my wireless internet is killing bees, too. I'm going back to bed.

I Thought Seals Were Lazy

Long-time readers (first-time commenters?) might remember a little post from September 2005 about Hurricane Katrina allegedly letting loose counter-terrorism-trained dolphins into the Gulf of Mexico. The US military would neither confirm nor deny the reports.

We still may not know what happened to those dolphins, but this week, the US Navy unveiled 75 dolphins and 25 sea lions at a military base in San Diego that have been trained to detect terrorists and underwater mines.

The crazy part? They work together. The article states:

Working in unison, the dolphins can drop a flashing light near a mine or a swimmer. The sea lions carry in their mouths a cable and a handcuff-like device that clamps onto a terrorist's leg.

Now those are some fucking Navy Seals.

Look Out! That Kitty Has a Knife!

CIAcat
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some of you may recall the killer dolphins let loose by Hurricane Katrina. Well, rest assured, this debacle was barely a hiccup in the Pentagon's animal warfare plans.

They're working on so many multi-legged, many-finned armies that a few missing Flippers is like dropping a couple pennies down a sewer drain -- no point in even going after them.

Be sure to check out the Animals in Warfare sidebar. Man, working for Darpa sounds like fun.

Harumph for Humphrey

Humphrey
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Humphrey the Cat first came to Number 10 Downing Street under the reign of Margaret Thatcher.

Rumored to be a flea-ridden serial bird killer, Humphrey was apparently not appreciated by the current inhabitants of Number 10, as can be seen by the forced smile on Cherie Blair.

Read this for a full obituary in today's Guardian UK.

Humphrey is dead! Long live Humphrey!

Acid Fish

Alright, so the picture isn't as scary as the snakehead or the two-mouthed fella, but check it out: the world's smallest fish, and it lives in acid! Sweet.

(And if my reference to Brokeback President wasn't enough to get me wiretapped, linking to Al-Jazeera should just about do the trick. "Really, I'm just reading about the fish! It's blondandeffective's fault! She turned me on to the fish! Seriously!")

OK, just as an aside, I should probably say something about Al-Jazeera. In this country, it's assumed to be a friend of terrorists, since they get the bin Laden tapes and all. But the Taliban has called for the bombing and banning of the network. As has Bush (only to be called off by Tony Blair). To complete the cycle of bombing and banning, we need to find right-wing Jewish, Hindu, and Buddhist leaders who have also called for its bombing and banning. Has Netanyahu? Did Gandhi? Gandhi was a right-wing leader, wasn't he? What about the Dalai Lama? What's the deal with that guy, anyway? And why is he always hanging out with Richard Gere? Has Richard Gere called for the bombing and banning of Al-Jazeera?

A Rival to the Mighty Snakehead?

fishmouths
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Facing snakeheads, fish are being forced to evolve into something, well, different.

This fucker was pulled from a Nebraska lake, and blondandeffective was here to tell me about it. Is she not effective? Is she not??

Turkeys in the White House

turkey
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Anyone who watches "The West Wing" or pays attention to the pomp and circumstance at the real White House knows that our fair president will make the fifth pardon of his illustrious political career this Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, all five of his pardons have applied to turkeys only.

To add more fun to this year's pardon celebration, the White House is showing its wacky side, offering an online Name-the-National-Thanksgiving-Turkey vote.

Of course, even in this trivial endeavor, our current administration misses the mark. First of all, it distinctly says, "Name The National Thanksgiving Turkey." Sounds like one turkey, right? So then why do all of our options have two names? Democracy and Freedom. Blessing and Bounty. Wattle and Snood. You get the idea. Are there two turkeys here, or does the name represent the two distinct facets of the turkey's personality? We need some goddamned clarification here. Someone get that Dickhead Scott McClellan on the horn!

Even more disappointing, though, is that there's no write-in option. I was hoping to get the Commander-in-Chief to pardon a turkey named I. Lewis Libby.

They're Everywhere!

snakehead
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Remember the snakehead?

While the eastern seaboard was getting its forty days and forty nights of rain earlier in the month (that's right: 40 days earlier in the month), flooded dams were revealing migrating snakeheads in the DC area.

And I don't mean Republicans running from indictments. I'm talking about fish of pure evil. Snakeheads attack toddlers and, after they've had them for tea, they regurgitate said toddlers and attack again!

At least that will be the story soon. In the meantime, there's just a shitload of predatory fish in the Potomac River, fish that want nothing more than to take over our ecosystem.

I'd like to highlight one detail from the Washington Post article, if I may. The fishermen report that while snakeheads may not be able to walk very well, they do remain upright when not in water. And as one of the fishermen said, "We would throw one in the cooler, two others would jump out and we'd have to chase them through the woods."

Dude, if you're chasing fish through the woods, they're walking just fine.

This story was brought to my attention by blondandeffective, who is moving to Egypt in a few months. She claims it's because of a boy, but I suspect that, really, she just wants to get away from the snakeheads.

Doubly Bald, Doubly Effective

twoheads
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

This little fella (or fellas, depending on how you look at it) was found in Cuba. Boy, the Cubans think of everything.

Thanks to blondandeffective (or who I currently think is blondandeffective anyway) for emailing the picture.

Surfers Beware

dolphin
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The US Military can neither confirm nor deny that Hurricane Katrina let loose trained, armed, and dangerous dolphins.

The intelligent, social mammals have been used by the US Navy since the 1950s. At first, dolphins were studied by engineers bent on improving the shapes of submarines and torpedoes. Soon, however, it became clear that dolphins, and even sea lions, could be trained to perform deep dives and track underwater devices. And unlike girly human divers, dolphins don't get the bends!

Recently, it seems, dolphins have been joining the US in The War On Terror. Armed with tranqs and trained to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels, Katrina may have unleashed a pod of killer dolphins upon the Gulf of Mexico. Now anyone in a wetsuit might be targeted by Navy Not-Exactly-Seals.

Nice work, everybody. That's a wrap.

Country Club Grazing

buffalo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

One buffalo said, "I prefer the grass courts of Wimbledon? That's good eats."

"But the French Open clay courts hide the crap better," observed another.

Ducks

While as a kid I always found Donald and Daffy to be somewhat humorous, I finally know what it is about ducks that kind of freaks me out.

jackass

donkeycart
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

this is a special shout out to alisha, who suggested that I dumb-it-down a bit.

physical needs

physical needs
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

ah, to have it all...

lions and tigers and bears

Big Fish
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

mom's thinking of going on safari. but if this is her response to a dead fish, how will she feel sitting in an open jeep being stalked by a water buffalo?