Tiger's Leaked Statement!

Well, B&E readers, if you're anything like me, you're pretty excited for Tiger Woods' first public statement later today. Have I got a treat for you! It's a leaked version of his statement! Who leaked it? I leaked it! How did I get my hands on it? It was never in my hands! It went right from my head to B&E!

So without further ado, here it is, Tiger Woods' leaked statement!

Hi. I'm Tiger Woods. I'm the best golfer of all-time. Arnold Palmer is a pussy. Tom Watson is a total fruitcake. And what is Lee Trevino, anyway? A Latino or Italian? Whatever. And don't even get me started on Phil Mickelson, that left-handed prick. Those guys can't golf. I golf. I'm a golfer. Those guys are just divots in the fairway of my life.

Anyway, I'm Tiger Fucking Woods. And not only do I golf, but I also make a lot of money. A lot. Tons of cash. Seriously. It's a lot of money. Dude, I have a deal with Chevron. It's a fucking oil company. They've got a lot of money too, and some of their money is going right to me. People say that Chevron pollutes and supports military dictatorships in Burma, but fuck those hippies. They're just jealous.

And they're not just jealous because I'm almost as rich as that chick who wrote those weird wizard books.

They're also jealous because I get women. Lots of women. One of them was my wife. I totally got her. Knocked her up too. She's Swedish. Which is hot. I mean, the country is cold but the chicks are hot.

But I didn't stop with her, just because I'm married. Oh, no. There are a lot of really hot women out there. A lot! And because I'm famous and gifted and richer than Dick Cheney, tons of those women totally throw themselves at me. And look, I don't want to be rude. If these chicks want to bang me, it's only right to give them the ride of their lives.

Oh, hell, you all know I'm not just banging these broads because I don't want to be rude. I like women. I really like women. Lots of women.

And I like watching other dudes with women. Especially that guy from Bones. I'd really like to see that guy with some women. Mm... Bones...

Anyway, I got caught. Boy, did I get caught. I was totally nailed. And not in the same way that I was nailing all those broads. That would've been a lot cooler, let me tell you. But no, that's not what I mean at all. I was totally busted.

What can I say? I'm the best golfer ever, rich as Nazis, and can get pretty much any woman I want. Who wouldn't take advantage of that?

So back off, media. Give me some goddamned privacy. Let me get on with my life - and get off with that hot chick over there.

I'm Tiger Fucking Woods.

It's a bold statement from Tiger Woods. He's got real moxie, this guy. Go get 'em, Tiger.

Mordant Has an Awesome Name

It's that time again, B&E readers. I have recently received some terrific comments from some terrific readers, and I'm now sharing one of them with you.

Some of you may recall that when the missus and I visited Sweden a few years back, I had a few thoughts about the many Swedes with their many dreadlocks. Well, a fellow called Mordant, if that is indeed his name, took umbrage:

I don't usually post on blogs either and I live in Sweden and what you are talking is utter rubbish..You are a closeminded moron btw. And furthermore I have dreads and a doctorate, I don't see your point! What have you done lately to improve your society. You should go out and do some social work rather than write utter drivel on blog sites!

Well, Mordant, if that is indeed your name it is the most awesome name in the world. Oh, wait, excuse me, Mordant. You said you have a doctorate, so I should be calling you Dr. Mordant. Dr. Mordant, I apologize to you and your dreadlocks. I'm sorry to have insulted you, your dazzling intellect, and your style sense. Please forgive me my trespasses against your person, your higher degree, and your locks aplenty. And seriously, Dr. Mordant, I wish I had your name. It is awesome.

And as a point of clarification, Dr. Mordant. I don't write utter drivel on blog sites. I write utter drivel on MY blog site. Technically, you are the guest here. But hey, since you have the post-college degree and the tangled, matted hair, you can be as rude as you wish to be. On my blog. Please visit any time, Dr. Mordant.

Your name is awesome.

An Appropriate 10th Anniversary Celebration?

Well, the Huffington Post reminded me that today is the 10th anniversary of the repeal of Glass-Steagall Act.

You see, during the Great Depression, the government decided it would be a good idea to separate the commercial banks from the riskier investment banks. It protected consumers. Gosh, those New Dealers were so cute in their determination to help people. Silly New Dealers.

But the free marketeers of Reaganomics hated that shit, and the free-marketing Clinton administration repealed it, to much celebration within the Republican Party and, let's face it, the bulk of the Democratic Party, too. Free market good! Regulation baaaaaaad!

So what's the best way to celebrate the government's monstrous sellout of the people ten years ago, the sellout that almost certainly caused the current (monstrous) financial crisis?

Well, I don't know. But it sure as hell makes me want to do what the Swedes do and burn some fucking bunnies for fuel.

(I admit it: I've been looking for an excuse to share that link with you all for weeks.)

What's Wrong with Sweden?

My online silence the past few days has been due to having guests in town, some lovely Swedes.

About seven years ago, the couple adopted a child, and in Sweden, the new parent of one's choosing gets thirteen months off at 80% of their salary to care for the child. The thirteen months can be taken in increments of the family's desire, any time during the first eight years of the child's life. The father needs to use up his parental leave soon, so they took a vacation.

Workers in Sweden get five weeks of paid vacation, guaranteed by federal law. Once the worker turns 40, they have to fill out a form to request a guaranteed sixth week of vacation every year. Sick days and sick leave is additional.

Health care in Sweden is, of course, free. The banks there are deeply regulated (not quite fully national). According to the couple, about 30% of their salaries go to pay taxes. Although they've seen the Swedish kroner drop in value just a little bit, they're one of the few countries in the world not in any sort of fiscal crisis. The government has money, and unemployment hasn't risen too much.

This year, the Swedish couple and their son will be traveling to New York, Florida, Scotland, and Greece. They went to Vietnam last year. The father is a school teacher who's planned their curriculum in such a way that the teachers in this tiny school district outside of Stockholm work four days a week. The mother works two days a week. They rent a tiny apartment in Stockholm and own a lovely house on an idyllic piece of property on the Baltic Sea. (They very kindly put us up during our vacation a couple years ago.)

Of course, they also said that because of the long, dark winters, the Swedes desperately need vacations. There are some problems with depression and drinking, but that whole thing about Sweden having the highest suicide rate in the world is a myth. And what, we don't have problems with depression and drinking in this country?

Unless I'm doing the math in my head wrong, I'm paying more than 30% of my salary to federal, state, and city taxes, and I'm not getting any free health care.

What the hell are they doing right in Sweden? And when people speak disdainfully about "Europe!", "socialism!", and "government health care!", I swear to Jesus Christ who died for me on the cross at Golgotha (the place of the skull), I'm just not seeing the problem with the Swedish system.

Humanity, equality, family, and quality of life are all good things. Come on, America! We've already embraced IKEA; let's embrace some Swedish values!