I Come From the Land Down Over There

Children of the 80s will remember the Australian band Men At Work. After all, this is the group that introduced most Americans to Vegemite. A Musack form of their hit "Down Under" plays today under Qantas Airlines ads. "Who Can It Be Now?" is a question I ask myself every day.

But here's something I didn't know for 25 years. Colin Hay, the lead singer and songwriter for the Band Down Under, isn't Australian at all. He hails from Kilwinning, Scotland.

I feel as though some fraud has been perpetrated on the ten-year-old version of myself who bought the "Business As Usual" cassette all those years ago with his hard-earned allowance. I was buying the Australianness of it all.

I'm beginning to think that maybe Scotland really does have a claim on just about everything.

That's What We Call Full Spectrum

Ask pretty much any Scotsperson and they'll tell you that the Scots invented everything. Generally speaking, when such topics of conversation come up in my presence, I nod and agree and fall back on a completely true positive statement: Scotland is the most beautiful place I've ever been.

Yes, I do think that many superlative statements about Scotland are valid. But the Scots seem to like living in the extremes. It's the most beautiful country in the world, perhaps, and it's also the knifingest country in Europe and the drinkingest. They've got the world's preeminent theater and arts festival and bucketfuls of heroin addicts.

The Scots also offer us the best and worst in English language poetry. We'll use this simple love/luve poem by Robert Burns to demonstrate some of the best (from 1794):

O my Luve's like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June:
O my Luve's like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare-thee-weel, my only Luve!
And fare-thee-weel, a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' 'twere ten thousand mile!

Burns plays with language and repetition and beauty, and one can really feel the power of his luve. Yes, it's good shit, and Robert Burns is so revered (and rightly so) he gets a national holiday.

William Topaz McGonagall--poet, tragedian, hand loom weaver--is also a product of Scotland. Widely hailed as the writer of the worst poetry in the English language, he composed his poetry "under the divine inspiration." Yes. Yes, he did. For example, from some time in the late 1800s:

'TWAS on a Monday morning, and in the year of 1884,
That a fire broke out in Bailie Bradford's store,
Which contained bales of jute and large quantities of waste,
Which the brave firemen ran to extinguish in great haste.

They left their wives that morning without any dread,
Never thinking, at the burning pile, they would be killed dead
By the falling of the rickety and insecure walls;
When I think of it, kind Christians, my heart it appals!

Because it has caused widows and their families to shed briny tears,
For there hasn't been such a destructive fire for many years;
Whereby four brave firemen have perished in the fire,
And for better fathers or husbands no family could desire.

It goes on for eighteen stanzas, dear B&E readers, but I think you get the point. If you haven't yet had your appetite for McGonagall sated, this archive is your online home.

A special thank you to Yahoo! News for bringing my attention to the Bard of Obvious Rhymes.

Scottish Labour Reverses, Spins, Fades

I made the mistake of reading an article about Scottish politics before having my morning coffee.

So best I can tell, as follow up to that last post about the Scotland Referendum of Independence, Scottish Labour Leader Wendy Alexander has now been shamed. There's no longer a Labour Party line on a referendum, no matter what she said about not standing in the way.

The Tories continue to mock the national Labour Party, and Gordon Brown responds the way any good American would: He proposed a new tax cut.

Keeping an Eye on Scotland

The missus and I try to keep up with the goings-on in Scotland (it being the missus' home country and all). And I've attempted to explain on B&E, occasionally incorrectly, Scottish politics, which are endlessly fascinating and more than a little confusing.

We have a two-party duopoly in American politics (yes, I'm on Ralph Nader's email list, too), but in the United Kingdom they believe in a real range of political parties. To the outside observer (me), the various parties and parliaments and leaders get rather confusing. Commoners, Lords, Ladies, wigs, no wigs, earwigs... it's all a lot to take in.

And let's not even start considering the role of the Royal Family. Duke of Edinburgh? Holyrood Palace? Whaaaaa...?

I was going to link to myself for some backup information, but it's so inaccurate in so many ways, I should probably just re-summarize. At best, the following will be oversimplified. At worst, I could get some things wrong. I'm American, after all, and we like our politics black and white (or male and female).

Scottish Parliament
Scottish Parliament was created in the 1990s and has a somewhat limited scope. Scotland is after all part of a larger Britain (one might even call it a Great Britain--England, Scotland, Wales) and a United Kingdom (Scotland, England, Wales, Northern Ireland, and various smaller islands). So Scottish Parliament can make decisions about how tax revenue is spent, for example, but they can't raise or lower the taxes on their fellow citizens. Major decisions are still made in the UK Parliament in London.

Political Parties in Scotland
Labour Party - Scotland has typically been a Labour supporter. They were traditionally considered a working class party until Tony Blair and Gordon Brown (more on him in a moment) shifted "New Labour" to the right politically. Bill Clinton was the moderate Democrat president, and Blair entered office as a moderate (or relevant, depending on whom you ask) Labour prime minister. Best I can tell, the Labour Party in Britain is closest to the current Democratic Party in the U.S.

Conservative Party - The Tories are the party of Margaret Thatcher and John Major. They've hit a bit of a rough patch in recent years, in part thanks to the New Labour movement and in part due to their own failings while governing. I've never met a Brit with good feelings about Thatcher. People must've liked her at some point (she was in office for a long time), but those people must either be dead or hiding. They're now led by a cunning fellow called David Cameron. The Tories are Britain's Republican Party.

Liberal Democrats - I don't really know, but I assume that the Lib-Dems grew in power along with New Labour (although they're still definitely a smaller party). They are to the left of Labour politically, and I'm assuming that as New Labour walked away from "old" Labour policies, the Lib-Dems started gaining support. They're led by Nick Clegg, a man I know absolutely nothing about. I'd compare the Lib-Dems to the Green Party, except that there's a pretty influential Green Party in Britain too. Really, the Lib-Dems are like FDR Democrats. If the Democratic Party left had rebelled against Bill Clinton's run to the middle and formed its own party, maybe they'd be the Lib-Dems.

Scottish Nationalist Party - The SNPs refer to themselves as a "left-leaning nationalist party advocating secession from the United Kingdom." The SNPs were founded in the 1930s by a group of nationalists, obviously, that included the missus' grandfather. Today they're led by a bloke called Alex Salmond, which is like the fish but with a "d" on the end. We have no comparable party in the U.S. Maybe if New England Democrats wanted to declare independence from the rest of the country, they'd be like the SNPs. Actually, I could get behind a party like that.

The Greens and the Socialists usually have a tiny voice/representation in government as well.

Quick aside: I love that the names of the political parties in the U.K. actually give you a good idea of what they represent/where they stand on various issues.

Last year's Scottish elections
Historically, Scotland has been very pro-Labour. Tony Blair screwed that up. Even now that Gordon Brown (a Scot) is Prime Minister, many Scots have turned their backs on Labour. The Tories don't typically fare very well in Scottish elections. In fact, the Lib-Dems have usually done better. And the SNPs have always had their supporters, but until recently, they were mostly considered a one-issue party: independence.

But Alex Salmond and the SNPs were vocally against the Iraq War before it began (the loudest voice of dissent in Scotland), and because they've been proven right, they've also gotten themselves some legitimacy.

So during last year's Scottish Parliament elections, they pulled a lot of support away from Labour and eked out a win to be the ruling party. Alex Salmond, then, is first minister of Scotland.

The SNPs don't have a majority. It's difficult for a single party to hold a majority thanks to the many parties. So the ruling party forms coalitions with parties that share their interests. In this case, the SNPs reached out to the Lib-Dems, but the Scottish Lib-Dem leader wouldn't agree to an official coalition unless the referendum for independence was off the table. They're the SNPs. They want independence. So the SNP's rule as a minority.

Based on reports from the missus' father (who very often gets things wrong) and others (including newspapers), it seems that Salmond and the SNPs are doing a good job in this role. Salmond made one misstep in his attempt to partner with Donald Trump to build a giant-ass golf course, but a couple shepherds kept that nonsense from happening. Mostly, Salmond and the SNPs are just hunkering down and doing the work of the Scottish people, proving that they're about more than just independence.

The Referendum for Independence
Salmond has been saying that once they get a couple years of ruling under their belts, the SNPs are going to bring this referendum for independence to the people for a vote. It's not clear at the moment whether the Scottish people would vote independence or not. It definitely seems to be gaining support, but there are a lot of Scots who are Unionists (support a United Kingdom). It has seemed that 2010 was a target year for the referendum.

Naturally, most of the other parties are against independence and against putting forward a referendum. No party is more vocal about this than the Labour Party. Gordon Brown's a Unionist and head of the Labour Party, and he's said in no uncertain terms that he would never support a referendum. And this was Labour's official party line.

Enter Wendy Alexander, Labour's Scottish leader. In an attempt to call Salmond's bluff, she said, "Bring it on" to the referendum, and no time like the present. But you see, Salmond's not bluffing. He heads the Scottish Nationalist Party. Salmond is thrilled that suddenly he's got Labour's support for a referendum, even if the timing isn't quite right.

And wackiness ensues...

Tory leader David Cameron is now accusing Brown of losing control of his own party. Wendy Alexander is saying that a) the referendum won't pass now and b) she's got the support of Gordon Brown for this stunt, even while Gordon Brown tries to stay the fuck out of it. Meanwhile, Salmond's inviting Scottish Labour to join him for a lively eightsome reel, possibly to distract everyone from realizing that he really would like to hold off on the referendum for a couple years.

But how crazy would it be if Scottish Gordon Brown's legacy as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom was un-uniting the Kingdom and losing his native Scotland to independence? Would either the English or the Scottish let him live amongst them?

There's much more to this all, of course, and the Guardian and the Scotsman both have summaries that are a little hard to understand when I'm still getting my head around the delegate system of electing a presidential nominee within the Democratic Party of the United States of America.

What Stood Out This Week - End of Year Scotland Edition

I gotta tell ya, dear B&E readers, it's a breath of fresh air here in Scotland: literally fresh air in the Highlands and, of course, breathing free of our political discourse in the U.S. I have little sense of what's going on in our all-important primaries, and there's only four days before voting begins in Iowa. I haven't been this relaxed in months.

So What's Stood Out while in the Land of the Scot?

First of all I should mention that the missus comes from a long line of Scottish nationalists. Indeed, her grandfather was a founding member of the Scottish Nationalist Party (which I know I've mentioned before). Scottish nationalists tend to dislike the English on principle, even though well-educated Scottish nationalists tend to get good English educations. To my surprise, this dislike for the English doesn't necessarily translate to Americans. Or maybe they're just being polite because I was right there in the room. (And in fact one Scottish Lord in a kilt--a story for another time, perhaps--expressed his distaste for America even before I had a chance to introduce myself: "Hi, I'm American.")

Although the Scots I've been hobnobbing with have been mostly family, I was quite pleased to learn that they don't blame America and Americans for the world's problems. There's a clear separation in their minds between the Bush administration and America (and Tony Blair holds a special place of disgust in their hearts). Even a fifteen-year-old expressed her love for America, quite vociferously. And when I sang The Star-Spangled Banner at a party (again, a story for another time, perhaps), everyone stood (even the man in the room with multiple sclerosis), hummed along, and placed hands over their hearts while I belted out a particularly loud and obnoxious (read: American) version of the tune.

As for their opinions of the upcoming election, well, mostly they asked us what we thought. The missus' father has decided he likes Mike Huckabee, although I'm sure that if I asked him if he knew anything other than that the Huckster is an anti-abortion Baptist minister, he probably wouldn't have much of an answer. But let's face it: neither would most Americans. The fifteen-year-old mentioned previously offered her vociferous support of Barack Obama. Most of what she did or said, she did or said so vociferously.

The missus and I still don't have a good answer for the voting question. I think this is the first time I've been undecided this late in the game. But really, officially the game hasn't even started yet.

And that's What Stood Out. From Scotland.

Happy New Year, dear B&E readers. That's Hogmanay over here.

This is Scotland Calling

It's that time of year again, dear B&E readers, when instead of having no excuse for not writing, I have a perfectly good one. I'm heading out of town for a few days, and I don't expect there to be much happening here at B&E.

But hey, maybe one of my resolutions for 2008 will be posting more often than twice (and sometimes thrice) weekly. That'd be a worthy resolution. We'll see if I bother to resolve, and if I do bother, whether or not it sticks.

Whatever you celebrate, I hope you celebrate well. Git stuff't wi' ye Rabbie Burns kilt-wearin' selves on a plate o'haggis. And while that doesn't actually mean anything, it sure sounds Scottish to me.

Maybe the Scots Know Better Than Trump

I'd like to give a special shout out to the missus' home country (that would be Scotland, in case you're not aware), which rejected a $2.1 billion golf resort development proposed by Donald Trump, a man famous for his exquisite taste. So his proposed golf resort was sure to be subtle, with little or no effect on the natural beauty of Scotland, pictured here for your reference.

During the whole ordeal there was one holdout who refused to sell 55 acres to The Donald. Upon the failure of the golf resort scheme, the fella, Michael Forbes, gave this tasty tidbit (as quoted in The Telegraph):

Hopefully, Trump has now got the message that we're not a bunch of cabbages up here. We've managed fine without him up to now and we'll get on just as well without him.

Those of us in New York are unable to say the same thing. We are, in fact, cabbages.

Scotland Independence - Addendum

I knew I'd get something wrong. According to the missus, May's election is, in fact, just the regular old time-to-vote-for-members-of-Scottish-Parliament election.

If the Scottish Nationalist Party gets a majority, it's as if the Scottish people are saying, "Yes, we want independence." The SNP's will reward the people by fulfilling their primary platform plank, i.e. independence.

And then, I've probably got the rest of the events wrong, too. But like Mel Gibson as William Wallace said, "Scotland will be free."

Of course, he ended up disemboweled.

Robert the Bruce's Skull Will Be Happy

The mystery of Scotland, well, it mystifies. But apparently it's a mystery that will soon be declaring its independence. Details remain murky to this occasional visiting Yank, but when the missus and I paid Scotland a visit last week, the country was all a-buzz with talk of freedom.

Here's a summary of my understanding, which I freely admit could be way the hell off-base, particularly since I simplify things in my own head in order to make sense of events:

For decades, the Scottish Nationalist Party has been on the fringe of mainstream politics. A legitimate party, yes, and one with decent support in Scotland, but not at the level of Labor, Conservative, and Lib-Dem. (I learned this trip, by the way, that the missus' grandfather was a founding member of the SNP. How fucking cool is that?)

Since Scotland got its own Parliament in the late 90s, the SNP has grown, thanks perhaps especially to the disaster of the Iraq War. The SNP was against the war from the beginning, and with Labour policies hosing the Scots, the previously dominant party is losing its influence. Tony Blair is exceptionally unpopular in Scotland these days.

Of course, the Scottish Parliament has a limited scope. They can make decisions about how tax revenue is spent, for example, but they can't raise or lower the taxes on their fellow citizens. Major decisions are still made in the UK Parliament in London.

Scottish Parliament, however, has made one important decision: a referendum to the Scottish people, allowing them to vote for devolution this May. And a solid majority wants to be free.

Countries in the North Sea have some of the highest standards of living in the world - Norway and Iceland, for example. Why not Scotland? After all, Scotland has the oil. But oil companies have been given such a sweet deal by the UK Parliament, Scotland sees very little revenue. Instead, the profits go back to the international conglomerates.

The Labour Party is pouring money into a campaign to convince the Scots that they'll be worse off if they devolve. Most Scots are like, "How can we be worse off? And even if we are, at least we're in control of our own misery for a change."

Meanwhile, former Chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland (currently the world's fifth largest bank) has thrown his support behind devolution and the SNP. Boy, did that get Tony Blair's knickers in a twist.

Once the Scots vote themselves free, apparently they go to the UN for recognition. The feeling is that the UN would have to recognize a free Scotland if that's what the people want.

It just seems so easy for Scotland to declare its independence. Won't the UK government find a way to stop it? They really can't? I mean, I don't think they should deny the Scots their freedom, but I find it hard to believe that there's no safeguard in place to keep this from happening.

And the Queen officially rules Scotland, too, so I'm not sure how the monarchy fits into this. Scotland's free, but they're still a part of the commonwealth? More like Canada and Australia and less like England and Wales?

How long before Wales devolves?

Remember when Tony Blair was first elected prime minister? In the US, Bill Clinton was at the height of his popularity, and Blair seemed like a shining beacon of hope to liberalize the UK after years of Thatcher and Major.

Clinton's legacy is NAFTA, welfare "reform," and a series of blowjobs in the Oval Office.

Blair's legacy could well be a disastrous war in Iraq and the loss of one-quarter of the United Kingdom.