Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Day 4 - John McCain

I'm not watching. I couldn't take anymore. I gotta watch my blood pressure.

But in the spirit of the last two weeks...

John McCain spoke. He was wrong.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Post-Palin

John McCain copies Barack Obama and comes out to greet his Vice Presidential pick. He'll say a few words. He seeks approval from the crowd for his pick, and he gets it.

Now McCain and the Palins are standing on stage awkwardly. They didn't plan the exit. Whoops. Even Shields thought something else was coming.

Yarnell thinks she went after Obama with "good cheer." Shields mentions the "Bridge to Nowhere," which in her speech she said, "Thanks but no thanks" to. But Shields said she accepted the money. Mmmrrr?

People pleased on the floor of the convention, naturally.

Historians! "It was beat up on Barack night." The unknown is whether she speaks to independents as well as the Rush Limbaugh crowd. One historian pointed out that she and McCain hugged. Ferraro and Mondale never did. Until they lost. Speech going after white women. Overall, good speech, they all agree, if we ever find out what the Republicans stand for, and not just against.

Yarnell doesn't think it's a Limbaugh speech. Shields thinks it was a good beginning for her, but the real test will be on the trail. Shields also thought she got belittling toward Obama, and Yarnell thinks she was light on policy.

But overall, Tracy Flick probably did what she needed to do.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Sarah Palin

And right (far-right, perhaps right-wing) into Sarah Palin. Let's see how she does...

PALIN ACCEPTS! SHE ACCEPTS! SHE ACCEPTS THE NOMINATION! Boy, all those Republican pundits that hate her must be piiiiiiiissed.

She's praising McCain and raising Cain, baby. She's a good speaker so far, I'll grant her that. "COUNTRY FIRST!" EVERYONE DRINK!

Here come the personal details. Let's get to know the Palins. No mention of Michael so far, which is curious. Yeah, she's got a family and they taught her shit. So did the small town. Palin's young daughter was just licking her hand and stroking down her baby's brother hair. So that's cute, if you like that sort of thing.

This community organizing slam is curious. Palin's continued it, stating that it doesn't have any actual responsibilities. More Obama digs. And why not?

"Washington elite"! Oh, she's giving it to us now. Media digs. But the right does love a good media dig.

Now, she's telling us what she's done as Governor. She's building a case here, and I think it's for drilling. She is. Energy independence is more domestic oil and gas. Anything else? Oh, right, nuclear. And there's a small shout out for "alternative" sources.

More Obama digs. An argument against diplomacy. I don't get what's wrong with diplomacy. I think she just slammed civil liberties, too. Well, that's fucked up.

I hate that people don't want to pay taxes in this country. Dude, taxes pay for shit. Live off the grid if you don't want to pay taxes. I like taxes. If I get services, I'm all for taxes.

"Use change to promote their careers or use careers to promote change." That's the line she's been building toward.

Dude, it's 11pm. Is she wrapping this thing up or what? It's been very listenable and all, but this member of the "angry left" needs to go to bed.

Another community organizing dig. Is it just me or is that exceptionally condescending?

What we're not learning much about is what Sarah Palin believes on the various issues. She hates the media and Washington elites and taxes. You got anything else to say on the real meaty stuff? Hello?

Tracy Flick! That's who she reminds me of! That's what I've been trying to figure out this whole speech! It was driving me crazy! She does this thing with her mouth while speaking that Reese Witherspoon did as Tracy Flick in Election. That's it! She's Tracy Flick!

And Palin's done. She did well, I must admit. She won people over tonight. And of course she did. She's Tracy Flick!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Rudy Giuliani

"America's Next Top Model" is over, so now there's nothing separating me from the Republicans. This will be the first time I'll see Romney and Giuliani speak in the same night, so I'll finally find out who I find more loathsome.

Rudy Giuliani really gives bald guys a bad name. He and Dick Cheney are probably the worst bald guys on the planet.

Rudy's bringing out the zingers, and even with an ultra friendly (and right-wing) crowd, he barely gets a laugh. Dude, you're bombing so badly the crowd is chanting "U.S.A.!" instead of listening to you. Wrap it up, buddy! But of course he's less than five minutes into this disaster, so he forges on.

Every speaker is telling the same story about McCain's POW experience. Clearly this is what the Republicans want people to think about when voting. Not the issues, not the shithole that has been the last eight years.

For some reason, "working as a community organizer" gets a laugh. Not sure why. He mentions "Chicago machine politics," which I'm not actually sure means anything. He's talking about "present" votes. Boy, I wish Rudy was a lot less present around New York City.

I think the crowd is chanting, "Zero!" now.

Republicans aren't afraid to attack hard, that's for sure, even if the shit don't make no sense.

OK, so I really dislike Rudy Giuliani intensely, but I think maybe Mitt Romney's worse. It's really like choosing between swallowing four dozen razor blades and administering a porcupine enema, but I think I'd have to go with the porcupine. After all, the razors wriggle their way through one's whole system.

I'm also watching more of Rudy, which makes that porcupine enema all the more slow and uncomfortable.

Is "Drill, baby, drill!" really the Republican rallying cry?

DRINK! SEPTEMBER 11! HE MENTIONED IT! It took a lot longer than I expected, but there it was! Everyone drink!

Oh, Christ Almighty, Rudy... You get ellipses... I'm bored, and as we all know, boredom is a mask for anger...

What kind of roomful of Dickheads cheer for war? Even if you're pro-war, aren't you supposed to treat it soberly and with respect? War! Whoopee!

...

Rudy really loves himself. When he hits an applause line, he soaks it in better than anyone. Good thing that podium is there, because he's hard as a rock right now, if you know what I'm saying.

This guy is seriously the most smug Dickhead on the planet. Repulsive.

Who's questioning whether Sarah Palin has time for family and job? I'm not. Are people? What have I missed?

I think Rudy's wrapping it up. Get that fascist face off stage. Ugh.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Mike Huckabee

Aw, shucksabee. It's Mike Huckabee!

I'm not really paying attention to the lineup tonight. But I just heard him say a bad word about European government, and with a missus from Scotland, well, that shit don't fly so much in our house.

He's railing against "government handouts," but I'd sure like to hear someone talk about the government handouts to corporations.

OK, charming Mike Huckabee's now being a Dickhead, too. Enough of Huckabee.

Yeah, so I refuse to call myself a Democrat, but I am decidedly not a Republican. These fuckin' guys repulse me.

Every single speaker has said, "country first" in their speeches. The goal of a convention is to be on message without seeming overtly planned. Um... This whole thing is really planned out.

And lame.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Mitt Romney

Romney's a fucking idiot, and that's about all I can say about this Dickhead. Cock. That's about all I can think when I look at his face. Cock. I'm done with Romney.

I actually think I'd rather find out which of the Top Model girls are bigoted against the transgender contestant.

Yeah, I must really hate Mitt Romney, if I want the missus to turn it back to "America's Next Top Model."

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Day 3

The night belongs to Sarah Palin! But first, we get to see the parade of Dickheads, including Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani. I don't know how much of this I'll be able to take. Romney and Giuliani are exceptionally loathsome. In fact, The Wire arrived from Netflix today, and I may try to convince the missus to join me in watching an episode of that. Somehow it's less depressing.

But the missus insists on flipping to "America's Next Top Model." Jesus, this might make me angrier than the parade of Dickheads. Of all the crappy TV the missus could watch, why does this one grab her? I want to slit my wrists now. Judas Priest, this is fucking tedious. Kill me. Someone, please kill me. I don't feel this suicidal watching the Republican National Convention.

Fuck me. There's a second goddamned hour of this shit.

Could John McCain please come invade my apartment and blow me up?

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Joe Lieberman

I think I'm going to go to bed. I don't want to hear Droopy Dog spouting neo-conservative ideas with "can't we all get along?" overtones.

Holy shit. It's been a long time since I've seen Lieberman speak. Probably in 2000 when he was Gore's VP. Yes, he's just as dull as I remember.

He's calling himself a Democrat, but that's just a lie.

OK, time for bed, dear B&E readers! I hope you enjoyed Joe Lieberman!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Fred Thompson

Actor and former candidate Fred Thompson's up next. He's on fire. We're prosperous! At least he is! And he's defending Sarah Palin! Oh, Fred loves a crowd. And he just repeated himself.

There are a shitload of white people in that crowd. Damn.

Fred's hitting us full in the face with partisan rhetoric. Liberals and their friends in the media! (Applause!)

More about John's character. Yes, he's got character. All of John's kids are in the military. (Applause!) Cindy! (Applause!) John's mother! (Applause!) John's a rebel! Troublemaker! Leader of the troublemakers! (Applause!) Fred just talked nonsense. (Applause!)

More about John's military service.

Hey! It's Jon Voigt! The Republicans are a bunch of Hollywood elitists!

OK, Fred's going on a bit. Ellipses time...

He's still going on and on... I'm gonna brush my teeth and give you more ellipses...

My teeth are now clean. What'd I miss? Hey, look! It's a black lady! PBS must be done with its coverage of the Republican National Convention. Oh. No. It's still Fred Thompson. They just found one of the only conservative black women in America to put on camera.

We're running out of time for tonight. I though Joe Lieberman was speaking tonight. Fred's going and going and going and Joe's probably backstage going, "Um... Excuse me, please. Don't take my stapler."

Holy shit! He's finally wrapped it up!

Shields and Yarnell? Yarnell likes it. Should've spoken that well for himself when he was running. Shields seems to be giving him a B. Big applause on Obama attacks, so they're more united in their dislike for Obama than their support of McCain. Perhaps. Yarnell says it's a pretty standard Republican speech, theme-wise.

And here's Joe Lieberman!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Dubya

Laura Bush is introducing her husband. I'm taking my Dramamine in anticipation of the waves of nausea that will certainly come over me.

Oh, shit. Laura's offering a boisterous defense of her husband, the worst president of all time. She seems a little pissy about having to explain to people why he's so great. She offers No Child Left Behind, his two Supreme Court justice appointees, and faith-based initiatives as proof of his genius. Um... OK. Um... Oh, Laura...

And President Bush has kept us all safe. She started by saying she was going to state some facts. But she never told us those facts would be true.

Great. Here he is, via satellite. He's touting his accomplishment with Hurricane Gustav. How'd Katrina work out for you, buddy? Oh! He said prayers! Everyone drink!

He knows what it's like to be president, he says. Well that's true, I suppose. But that doesn't mean he's done a good job. Now he's promoting McCain. And I'm getting drowsy. So I offer you an ellipses...

This human life argument makes no fucking sense to me. How can you claim to think that life is sacred and bomb the shit out of countries?

OK, more ellipses... I'm looking forward to not seeing this man's face on the TV anymore...

The crowd is holding up signs that say service. Feels sort of dirty.

Oh, Bush is done. Dull. There's no fire there. And Laura closes, touting Cindy McCain as First Lady. Oh, do we get to vote for First Lady? Awesome, because I think Florence Henderson would make a great First Lady. She proved it on "The Brady Bunch."

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Pre-Something

I don't know what we're waiting for, but the elder Bushes (George H.W. and Barbara) just came in to wild applause. The missus says they look almost as old as McCain. Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

A firewoman is talking about the Minneapolis bridge collapse. Cut to the elder Bushes. They're smiling. I'm going to assume they don't know what she's talking about.

The God talk is coming now. A friend of his (Latino) is talking about what John said when he was asked what got him through the POW camp. He said faith, country, and family. The missus says, "Yeah, but Cindy wasn't his family then." Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

The speaker just ended his speech with "Viva John McCain!" He should be careful. To this crowd they might start the deportation proceedings. For his safety, I hope Tom Tancredo isn't there tonight.

Oh, that pre-something is actually George W. Bush. Boy, they've kept that pretty well under wraps. I guess McCain didn't dodge the Dubya bullet after all.

Dubya's former speechwriter called Obama's speech polarizing. I think he's rewriting history faster than he can write.

Navy Seal tribute film. Pretty well done. Long applause for him and his sister, who's in attendance.

The lead-in to Dubya's really going on and on. I'm taking another break.

Oh! Oh! Here come the chants of U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Day 2

The Republicans are finally getting their party going here. So far it's been a lot of patriotic posturing. Lots of flags.

PBS commentators are speculating about Sarah Palin's home life. Good mother? Maybe, maybe not. Poor daughter? Certainly. Would her daughter be thrust into the spotlight if Palin had said, "Thanks, but no thanks?" Who knows? And frankly, who cares? I want to know if she'll be a good vice president.

John McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds just said, "An unique." He should be disqualified from being a spokesman. Unique begins with a Y-sound. Y is a consonant. "A unique" would be correct and less pretentious.

I don't like that Tucker Bounds. Somehow I doubt I'm going to like many of the Republicans we'll be hearing from over the next few days.

Some Alaskan sounds very defensive about her "experience" and then turns right around and calls her a "quick study." Ease up, buddy. Methinks thou dost protest too much. He just said she's going to be a "great grandmother." Palin's actually going to be just a "grandmother," but no one corrected him.

Oh, looky! It's bat-shit crazy Michelle Bachmann! She is titivil's mostest favorite bat-shit crazy subject. She talks with a really vapid smile on her face. And I don't mind admitting that she freaks me out.

Cindy McCain apparently saved a couple of Bangladeshi girls from Mother Teresa's orphanage. I had no idea that Mother Teresa was such bad news. Hey, how'd the McCains get around all those adoption rules? Someone pulled some fucking strings, man. Investigate, you investigators out there!

Historians! They're talking about vetting. Comparing to Bush 1's choice of Quayle. No denying the similarities. And McGovern screwed up his first VP pick in 1972. But the 18 days he had the bad choice was enough to get people to question his judgment. Or was it throwing him off the ticket that hurt McGovern. Bush 1, after all, kept Quayle. Basically, history hasn't taught us anything here. The historians have no answers for us on the Palin issue. Still, I like the way they talk all pretty!

David Brooks (Yarnell) just said, "Her daughter is pregnant, her husband had a DUI twenty years ago, and the Palins once put a tin can in the plastic recycling!" Boy, he's been wanting to use that joke for 72 hours, and I have to say he nailed it. Really hit it out of the park. I'm still laughing. I've missed the rest of the conversation I'm laughing so hard. That Yarnell is almost as funny as the original Yarnell. (Do a YouTube search if you don't remember Shields and Yarnell, the comedy mimes.)

Anyway, I'm stepping away from the TV for a few moments.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Gustav

It's amazing that the RNC logo never got a redesign...

I've got the TV on, ready to stave off the nausea caused by a convention center full of Pubes, but tonight it looks a lot more like Gossip Girl.

I mean, in general, a Republican convention looks like the cast of Gossip Girl aged about forty years, but tonight it looks exactly like Gossip Girl, perhaps because it is Gossip Girl. The missus was very excited about tonight's season premiere of Gossip Girl, so she's relieved that we don't have a faceful of Bush/Cheney instead.

In fact, this whole hurricane thing is probably the best thing that could've happened (politically) to the Republican Party. After all, who are the least popular Republicans in the country right now? That'd be George W. Bush and Dick Head Cheney. Well, their appearances have been canceled. Lucky, lucky Republicans.

In the meantime, poor, poor Louisianans. Let's hope that the damage is limited to the early reports, that the levees hold, and that any help they need is there and waiting.

Verbing John McCain

John McCain has done a remarkable job over the years portraying himself as a maverick, an outsider, and more recently, the Reasonable Republican. Of course when standing next to the likes of Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Tom Tancredo, Ron Paul, and just about anyone from the Bush administration, it's hard not to look a little reasonable. In that context, even Blackbeard the Pirate might look reasonable.

Alexander Cockburn, whose column sometimes aggravates me in The Nation, recently wrote one called, "Less Whining, More Dirt!" I'd been wondering about this Cindy McCain, the trophy that occasionally stands behind John and rolls her eyes when she agrees with his sarcasm. And although I knew she wasn't his first wife, I'd never heard what the McCain first marriage was all about. Well, Cockburn writes:

What about McCain's first wife, Carol, a plucky woman who kept the home fires burning all those years, raising the kids alone while John was in the Hanoi Hilton? She was very seriously injured in an auto accident, then dumped in 1980 by the war hero, shortly after he had started an affair with the 25-year-old Arizona beer heiress and then used her money to start his political career. McCain's defenders say he had separated from Carol by the time he took up with Cindy. A detailed story by Nicholas Kristof in the New York Times in 2000 demolished this. A senior Republican lobbyist told me only the other day that there are people on the Hill who still won't forgive McCain for his treatment of Carol.

Oh, John, that's a dick move.

But I bet we all know stories--maybe in our own lives--of one person giving up on a relationship or marriage because things just got a little too hard. Or perhaps we know people who've dumped one person because the alternative was so much more advantageous to a career.

Dear B&E readers, it's time we start calling this what it is: John-McCaining. Here are a few sample sentences:

But by the time the meds kicked in, she'd already John-McCained him.

She was barren, so he John-McCained her and shacked up with that baby machine.

He was spending all his time in the gym, so naturally, when he found a buffer version of his current boyfriend, he John-McCained the fat schlub.

I think you probably get the proper usage now.

Go forth, dear B&E readers, and verb John McCain!

Rudy's Last Stand

I follow today's Florida Republican Primary with glee, as I'm so certain that Rudy will fizzle out that I'm not even afraid of jinxing the results. Even calling 9/11 can't help you now, Rudy.

Enjoy the taste of assholic failure on a multi-million dollar scale, dear B&E readers.

Keep Your Small Government Off My Family

I just caught about ten minutes of the Republican Primary Iowa Debate, and more than half the candidates said something about strengthening our families. Has the Republican idea of government gotten so small that it can only be effective within the confines of my apartment?

I'm Just So Sad All the Time

I don't know how much more I can take. The sadness is all-encompassing. The sorrow unrelenting.

How much longer must I mourn Gerald Ford?

Considering with God to Consider Some More

Senator Sam Brownback, right-wing Republican from the great state of Kansas, made an announcement concerning a potential bid for the presidency. I do not, however, know what that announcement means exactly.

In his prepared statement, Sam said this: "I have decided, after much prayerful consideration, to consider a bid for the Republican nomination for the presidency."

So, then, the answer to his prayers was to continue to consider? Or is it that if the first consideration was prayerful, this next set of considerings will be done sans prayer? Are you seeking the Republican nomination? Or will you only consider the nomination if it's offered to you?

Dude, if these are his prepared statements, we have a lot of the crazy to look forward to. Happy 2008 election, everybody!

Boy, That's Some Good Shit

Obviously, the departure of Donald Rumsfeld is good news, although I can't help but think that the President is just finally changing out of his Cosby sweater.

Occasionally, when I stop into my local bodega to buy some milk, I take note of the tabloid headlines. They're always good for a giggle or comforting word. For example, after the Mets lost, I think it was New York Newsday (the ugly stepsister of tabloids) that had the best headline: "Ya Gotta Bereave."

This morning, though, it was the usual suspects covering the Rumsfeld ouster with their usual sensitivity. The New York Daily News went with Bush showing Donny the door with the thought bubble, "Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out," a sentiment many of us can relate to.

But it's the New York Post, famous for its Rupert Murdoch right-wing reactionary nature, that wins today's headline war. They kept it simple and to the point. "Rums Felled." On the inside, they're discussing the Midterm Massacre and feature another quality headline: "Cut-n-Rum."

With the AP declaring Webb the winner in Virginia, it's a pretty good week to be a Democrat.

Of course, I still don't feel comfortable calling myself a Dem, so let's just say that it's a good day to be a voter who caucuses with the Democrats.

Abbreviated

The Mets win, and as exciting as it is that they've bounced back to force a game 7, I'm having a hard time handling the stress. I've become a heroin addict.

The New York Times ran an article yesterday I really wanted to comment upon. It was about how Dick Cheney feels the love when he travels to the midwest. The six-year-old who was obsessed with Dick Cheney ("I just like him! I really do!") was, naturally, from my hometown of Topeka, Kansas. There's a Lesson from Kansas there somewhere, but I don't have the time to figure it out. Seems like a scary fucking lesson, though.

Potential recent Dickheads might have included Mark "I'm gay! No, I'm a drunk! Wait, I was abused!" Foley; Bob "I Need the Salary to Pay My Legal Bills and Refuse to Resign" Ney; the Fox baseball commentator tag team of Thom Brennaman and Steve Lyons, who spent a minute making fun of a blind man sitting in the stands (Steve has also gotten canned for implying that Lou Piniella stole his wallet because he speaks Spanish, a racial slur I'm not even sure I get); Representative John Sweeney of New York, who may have gotten some travel paid for by Jack Abramoff (good luck with your re-election campaign, buddy); and Bill O'Reilly, who has apparently become addicted to his crazy pills, most recently claiming that a mother's life is never in danger due to complications during pregnancy. Dickheads all.

Dude, I gotta get ready for work!

Congress - Irrelevant Since 1982

page boy
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Because it's fun to follow political scandals, I was just doing a little reading up on now-former Congressman Mark Foley, Republican of Florida's 16th district. Mark crossed a line with one of his page boys, sending what were initially described as "inappropriate" emails and text messages, but what may in fact be better described as "sexually explicit," "harrassing," and "illegal."

What might be even more fun about this scandal is that it appears several members of the GOP/House leadership may have known about it, including Dennis "Jowls" Hastert and John "Hitting On Pages Gives Me A" Boehner.

The Congressional Page Program has been around since 1829, back when members of Congress could enjoy young boys at their leisure without the public knowing anything about it. All of that was ruined in 1971 when they started allowing girls to join in the fun. Once you add girls to the mix, moral standards become inherently raised. Because, you see, girls are a bunch of tattle-tales. So for eleven brutal years, members of Congress stopped using the pages for sexual gratification. Suddenly, a code was expected.

But a 142-year habit is hard to break. So in 1982, eleven years after U.S. Representatives stopped doing whatever they wanted to the young hotties in the Page Program, two members of Congress couldn't hold out any longer, banging a page each.

Republican Daniel Crane had sex with a female page, and appropriately-named Democrat Gerry Studds had sex with a male page during a summer recess tour in Europe.

Congress took action. Neither denied the charges, and both were censured. Rep. Crane lost his re-election bid that year. Rep. Studds served in the House until 1997. Only a man called Studds could weather that kind of storm with such aplomb.

But the more important outcome of the 1982 scandal was an overhaul of the Page Program. It was decided that the young pages were too hot. They were too enticing. Too flirtatious. Their innocence would be the downfall of the entire government if action wasn't taken. And stat.

So Congress raised the Page Program's minimum age requirement from fourteen to sixteen.

If only they had done that prior to 1982, the two Congressmen could've never had sex with their 17-year-old pages.

Add a Shitbird to the List

ney
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I could be wrong, but I don't think Representative Bob Ney has won the Dickhead of the Week award here at B&E. Terrible oversight on my part, dear readers, and for that I apologize. Especially since Bob Ney will be going to prison.

The New York Times is reporting that Bob "Shot In The" Ney will be the first elected official to plead guilty to crimes stemming from the Jack Abramoff investigation. Ney was one of the golfers on that infamous Scotland trip, and he is not running for re-election this fall due to stress related to the Abramoff "ordeal."

Meanwhile, Ney has checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation program. You see, he's not rotten to the core. No, no. His corruption goes only as far as his disease.

My favorite tidbit from the investigation that continues is that in financial disclosure statements he claimed to have won $34,000 at a private London casino. Coincidentally, Ney had about $34,000 in outstanding credit card debt. A lucky day, indeed!

And now I'll get petty, because it's fun to do that. I'm looking at this photo of Ney, and I can't help but feel the man wears a rug. Either that, or he's got some fucked up hair. Either way, I hope it's removed for his mug shot, which will inevitably appear on The Smoking Gun.

Mmrrrrr...?

hastert
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I've always been of the opinion that Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, looks like a character from Blazing Saddles. You know, one of the many Johnsons in the town. But you've gotta have respect for Dennis. He's a Fat Cat in Washington, old-school style. Bow down at the altar of his jowls!

The Labor Department released its latest job creation findings, and it's not so good, as only 113,000 jobs were created in July, and unemployment is as high as it's been in five months.

So how does Hastert greet this news? With a press release praising the creation of 113,000 jobs. Patting his belly and shaking all four cheeks for emphasis, Hastert announced, "Our economy is robust, like those two bottles of '82 Bordeaux I consumed with my 32-ounce ribeye at lunch. Pass the Percocheese: I think my gout's acting up again."

So fresh off his success of linking a raise in the minimum wage to a cut in the estate tax, Dennis Hastert's first order of business is to put out the Dumbest Press Release Ever.

Meat & Potatoes

meat and potatoes
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Meat is good. Potatoes are good. But if they're all you eat, they'll kill you.

Rick Santorum might want to keep this in mind as he runs for re-election to the Senate. In an article in the The New York Times, Tricky Rick is quoted twice comparing himself to meat & potatoes.

What does Tricky Rick consider his meat & potatoes these days? The softer side of his bigotry. On the campaign trail he's handing out a flyer called "50 Things You May Not Know About Rick Santorum." Number 2 is his support for colon cancer screenings, and Number 4 highlights his work with Bono to eliminate world poverty. I rooted around for a few more of the fifty things, but Rick's own campaign website doesn't include the complete list. So unless we get the flyer itself, we may never know those 50 Things.

But, come on, Tricky Rick. Do these 50 Things really add up to be your meat & potatoes? They're more like the bovine growth hormone in your beef. The genetic modification of your potatoes. Maybe -- just maybe -- those two little carrots offering some vitamin A on top of your meat & potatoes.

Sorry, Tricky Rick. Your meat is the money -- heading up K Street lobbying efforts and getting into bed with the corporate interests -- and your potatoes are the hates -- hating the queers, hating the immigrants, hating the women's rights, hating the liberal media.

Your meat & potatoes will kill you come election time, Senator Santorum, as they certainly should. Even if your opponent is the worst kind of feckless Democrat. But that's a posting for another time.

Scottie Surrenders!

scott
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

We all knew it was coming, but the day's finally here: Scott "Go Ahead, Goyal" McClellan has resigned.

In any other administration, I'd say that Bush would be hard pressed to find someone who can dodge and lie as well as Scottie, but there seems to be no shortage of dodgers and liars among their ranks.

Hey, Bush administration! A modest proposal! Why not stop pretending? Hire a deaf mute as press secretary.

Republicans Pull a Boehner!

boehner
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

John Boehner has been elected by House Republicans to be their new leader, replacing Tom DeLay.

Even though he pronounces it with a long-A sound, the Boehner name is a softball being lobbed to the plate, just waiting to be hit over the fence.

I'll start: The Republicans have picked a Boehner to replace a Dickhead?

Who's circling the bases with me? Huh? Anyone?

Go Get Him, Martha Stewart

Oh, Frisky... Frisky, Frisky, Frisky, Frisky...

The Struggles of the Entitled

The Bush family likes the drinky.

We all know about our president's history with the hooch, which our Lord Jesus Christ helped him to stop relying on so much. (Except for maybe at a wedding a full six years after he "quit cold turkey.")

And of course, most of us remember a few years ago the story of the first daughters that resulted in one of the all-time great New York Post headlines: Jenna & Tonic!

Florida Governor Jeb seems to have trouble with his children as well. In 2002, daughter Noelle got busted passing off a fake prescription to get her hands on more Xanex.

The latest in what is clearly a long line of Bush family legal incidents (and the reason for my rediscovery of The Smoking Gun) features Jeb's youngest, John Ellis Bush, who got himself arrested in Austin for getting all tore up and then acting like an asshole.

Our esteemed Commander-in-Chief has cut the middle man out of his life, i.e. the bottle, and now just acts like a sober asshole.

There's actually much more at the Smoking Gun about the Bush family dynasty, as well as a couple DUI's for Dick(head) Cheney, so spend a little time having fun.

Party Man

arnold
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

In spite of his Chelsea-boy physique, his years in queer Hollywood, and his actual feelings on the issue of gay rights, Arnold has promised to veto the gay marriage bill passed by the California legislature.

Arnie also appears to have learned how to speak in that thick accent out both sides of his mouth. You see, he's not vetoing the bill because he's anti-fag. Oh, no, it's just that it's an issue that shouldn't be decided by the legislature. Let's leave it to the voters, or even the (activist) courts.

Seems that only staunch Republicans support the Governator these days, and the last thing he wants to do is piss them off.

So show off your political muscle, Arnold, and piss off the queers instead. Everyone hates them anyway.

Poor, Poor Moderate Republicans

There's an article in The Times today about how moderate Republicans are feeling squeezed. Apparently, they're a bit concerned that their party has been taken over by its right-wing, and now they find themselves in the difficult position of standing up for their beliefs. "Gosh, I don't like John Bolton or the idea of privatizing social security, but I'd hate to be seen as unsupportive of the president."

Well, cry me a fucking river, you yellow bastards. Not only should you stop being pantywaist weaklings, vote your fucking conscience, and oh, I don't know, represent your constituents, but you know what else? This is what you get for pandering to the religious right to win all three branches of the government. You moderates infuriate me so keenly that I'm going to mix my metaphors purposefully.

You've made your bed; now the chickens are coming home to roost.