Which Borough is Gayest?

Happy Pride Week to my many LGBTQ readers! OK, are any of you actually lesbian, gay, bi, transgendered, or queer? Don't feel like you have to come out on B&E, dear readers, but know that this is a LGBTQ-friendly zone.

To honor Pride Week, NY1 is doing a series of gay features on gay subjects throughout the gay week. This morning, they did a little ditty (dare I say a musical number) on the lesbian enclave of Park Slope. I appreciate living in a city in which the local news channel doesn't fear the gay features.

Turns out, Brooklyn has officially become the gayest borough in New York City. In fact, Brooklyn is home to the fourth largest gay community in the United States, behind San Francisco, the bulk of Massachusetts, and Topeka, Kansas. (I totally just made that list up, in case you couldn't tell.)

Anyway, Brooklyn's the gay borough. But I take issue with that a little. I mean, maybe there are more gay people in Brooklyn, but it's Queens that's actually named after gay people.

Is It a Perfect Day? It Might Be.

Yesterday, I went to Shea with some colleagues and watched the Mets win yet again. I tell you, it's uncanny. I can no longer remember the Mets losing when I've been at the game. That's how long it's been. My streak has to be something like 16 games dating back three seasons or so.

A few years ago, during the Art Howe Black Hole Years, I had a Sunday ticket plan. All Sunday home games. That August, the Mets didn't win at home. So certainly I saw them lose. But it's been a long time now.

Carlos Delgado smacked two dingers and the Mets won 6-3 over the Braves.

Afterwards, we all went to Sripraphai, "the best Thai food outside of Thailand."* It's conveniently located right along the 7 train, and just a little ways from home. If you're a New York resident, go to this restaurant immediately. It'll knock your socks off. Anything on the menu. Just go and get food.

I guess this is mostly about baseball, so here's a pander to one specific reader who thinks that rubber ducks are really tasty.



*Quote comes via Virgil, who picked up the gem talking to a local Thai immigrant.

Yeah, It's a Problem

We've got this terrific coffeeshop (a.k.a. greasy spoon, diner, etc.) here in Sunnyside called the New Post. There was a murder inside a couple years ago, but other than that minor hiccup, the New Post has reliably (and safely) served me omelets, French toast, tuna melts, and fries for the past eight years.

These coffeeshops, like old school dive bars, are becoming rarer and rarer across New York City as development rips down the old and puts up the new. Plus, a breakfast that costs $3.50 struggles to cover rising rent costs as readily as a brunch that costs $15.00.

Fortunately, it appears that the New Post is still going strong, even with the new Pete's Grill down the block. Pete's has a classic Greek diner feel to it, which probably only means something to people who frequent diners in NYC. The New Post is a counter-and-booth affair. Pete's is fine (and a couple bucks more expensive), but my heart belongs to the New Post.

Except for one thing: the New Post currently employs the Worst Waitress Ever. I know a couple that will actually say they're not ready yet when she comes to take their order and wait for the other waitress. The Worst Waitress Ever is a little dirty (I've seen her wiping her nose with her hand), and she always - ALWAYS - gets something wrong. When ordering you can tell she's not paying attention. She asks you to repeat things, and she still gets it wrong. It's seriously troubling.

This weekend, the New Post had a third waitress in there. She seemed to be in training, or maybe she was just standing around. Two waitresses would really be plenty if not for the Worst Waitress Ever.

The missus whispered to me, "I think it's her daughter!" Sure enough. When the New Girl came to fill up our coffee, I could see a distinct physical resemblance. When she filled up our cups too high to add milk, it was clear: The New Girl's a chip off the old block.

The New Post is a well-oiled machine. The short order cook might be a genius, and everything happening behind the counter and in the kitchen is a picture of efficiency. In fact, the Worst Waitress Ever forgot to bring us our food, and one of the guys behind the counter brought it out for us. Those guys (I think a lot of them are brothers) work their asses off and make the whole experience very pleasant.

Then there's the Worst Waitress Ever. And now her daughter. They scare me.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Some B&E best wishes for a happy St. Patrick's Day, the only holiday for which the entire point seems to be living up to stereotypes.

So get out there and eat some corned beef, potatoes, and cabbage; drink as much Guinness and/or Jamesons as humanly possible; get in a fight; and have lots and lots of children.

My Irish (and Latino and Korean and Romanian and Armenian and and...) neighborhood will be boisterous this evening. I'm going to catch up on some sleep that went curiously missing during my Kansas visit this weekend.

Sunnyside Drugstore Update

Long-time readers will need to tolerate some exposition.

Sunnyside was once home to Bloom's, the finest pub around. It (and much of the block) burned to the ground. For years, the Bloom's half-block was a hole in the ground. Demolition/construction workers cracked the foundation of a neighboring building. Rumors of a cursed block wafted through the neighborhood (or at least on B&E).

The cursed block became a mostly unattractive apartment building with retail on the ground floor. Because we need our drugs here in Sunnyside, the retail space became a CVS.

That CVS has quickly become the shittiest drugstore in the neighborhood, and we've got one Rite Aid that redefined shitty.

I went into CVS today because the missus and I needed some new hair clippers. With two head-shavers in the family, we can burn through the $20 clippers. Anyway, the hair clippers were locked up (fair enough). There were more employees in that store than customers, and it still took a good ten minutes before someone could help me. There was a line clogging up the entire front of the store, and every time someone left, the alarm system went off. They had one employee standing by her register waving people through. And it just sort of feels dirty in there. Dirt-dirty and a little sleazy-dirty both.

In other words, dear B&E readers, that block remains cursed.

And I also really like linking to myself. (Those are just a couple of random selections.)

Look, We Need Our Drugs.

In New York City you're never more than a couple of blocks from a Duane Reade, Rite Aid, Walgreens, Eckerd, CVS, or one of the hundreds (used to be thousands) of locally-owned pharmacies. I guess when you build a city in which everyone lives on top of each other, you get a lot of teethbrushers-per-block. And a lot of chlamydia.

My neighborhood in sunny Sunnyside, Queens has a downright obscene number of drug stores. A new CVS has opened to put two local pharmacies down the block out of business. I like the support the local guy, but to be honest, these pharmacies sort of suck. One is filthy with a rude staff, and one seems to solely carry lottery tickets.

Still, a former Sunnysider brought this Daily News article to my attention. A Rite Aid has opened up directly next door to a Rite Aid on Greenpoint Avenue. No, it's not a continuation of a Rite Aid that outgrew itself. It's a second, complete Rite Aid. Thankfully, there's a third Rite Aid three blocks away.

The newer Rite Aid on the corner was once an Eckerd, which Rite Aid just gobbled up, perhaps to celebrate Thanksgiving, and a spokesperson for Rite Aid said that they performed its "market research," and the Rite-Aid-next-door-to-a-Rite-Aid model "makes sense" for our neighborhood.

The Daily News closes its article with this gem:

John Vogt, president of the Sunnyside Chamber of Commerce, wants to help make Sunnyside a destination for tourists by bringing in retail stores like the Gap as well as eateries to help promote the neighborhood.

"You can never have enough restaurants. We need more boutiques in the area or more bookstores," said Vogt.

Eateries, boutiques, and bookstores sound alright. But the Gap? The Gap will make Sunnyside a destination for tourists? Maybe a Gap would keep Sunnyside shoppers from going to the mall in Elmhurst, but a destination for tourists?

"Hey, honey, let's to go to Paris! They've just opened a Gap!"

Queenie the Cow

Apparently, there was a cow loose in Queens last night.

Look, I know I grew up in Kansas and all, but she's not mine, so stop asking.

Tennis Time

Yes, dear B&E readers, Queens says hello to the world's finest tennis players. In the words of Martin Luther, "What does this mean?"

It means the transformation of our local number 7 train. That's right. It's the Ugly Train (if you're a local), the International Express (if you admire multiculturalism from the outside), the Green-Haired Faggots Who Can't Speak a Word of English (if you're John Rocker).

But if yesterday's first day of the US Open is any indication, it means that the 7 train is 60% more attractive, 180% less international, 90% less green-haired, 10% more faggy, and 230% more English-speaking.

Thankfully, our 7 train is overrun by white preppies for just a few short weeks every year.

Naturally, though, the missus and I likes us some tennis. We're hoping to see the Great Scottish Hope, Andy Murray, win the sucker.

A New York Tornado?

Apparently, a tornado warning has been issued for eastern Brooklyn and southern Queens. Look, National Weather Service, I grew up in Kansas, where tornadoes wipe out entire towns. So you'll forgive me, NY1, if I don't get all scared and panicky. I'm gonna make some coffee.

UPDATE (4:15 P.M.): Apparently a tornado actually touched down in Brooklyn for the first time in 100 years. I'm an asshole. My coffee was good, though.

The Grind vs. Starbucks

As I've mentioned before, my neighborhood coffee joint, the Grind, struggles to be a quality coffee joint. And I've also mentioned that my neighborhood finally got its inevitable Starbucks.

The Starbucks has been open for nine months or so, and I finally went there for the first time a couple weekends ago.

But it's OK, I have an excuse!

For reasons too complicated to explain, I had to be out of my apartment for a couple of hours, and I was running errands right near the Starbucks when it started to rain.

Jesus, they were good. It was almost like I had an "I hate Starbucks" sign on my forehead, and they were determined to change my mind. Three different people made friendly, unforced chit-chat. I got my iced coffee in less than a minute, and when she handed it to me, the cute barista called me "darlin'." The music was just low enough to keep me from being distracted. I'm telling you, even in Sunnyside, Starbucks does it right.

Which is such a disappointment.

Meanwhile, I haven't had much occasion to visit the Grind of late. I have my coffee and breakfast at home before leaving for work, and by the time I get back to the neighborhood, it's too late for coffee.

Some of my friends haven't given up on the Grind, but they report back numerous failings in the service department.

But I noticed some guerrilla marketing in the form of colored chalk scribblings on the sidewalk promoting Thursday night stand-up comedy at the Grind.

From what I can tell, the only thing that's funny is that it still takes the Grind a half hour to get you a coffee and a bagel! Zang! ZzP-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

Actually, that's just sort of sad.

Who in the Hell Represents Me?

I'm sure B&E readers will be surprised to hear that I vote in every election, including off-years and primaries. I can tell you who represents me at every level of government, even though I may not be terribly happy with some of them:

President - George W. Bush
Vice President - Dick Cheney
U.S. Senate - Charles Schumer
U.S. Senate - Hillary Clinton
U.S. House of Representatives - Joseph Crowley
Governor - Eliot Spitzer
State Senate - George Onorato
State Assembly - Catherine Nolan
Mayor - Mike Bloomberg
City Council - Eric Gioia

I have voted either for or against all of these people.

I have never voted for (or against) U.S. Representative Carolyn Maloney. She simply has never been on the ballot at my polling station.

Please allow me to back up one more minute and explain something else...

I'm sure you'll all be surprised to learn that I'm on many political action committee (PAC) email lists. I feel like I may have signed up for one, and the rest have followed.

My zip code here in Queens is divided between two U.S. congressional districts. Most PAC's feel that I live in Representative Maloney's district. A few believe I'm in Representative Crowley's district. I've always assumed that my divided zip code is just too complicated for automatic petition generators to figure out.

Representative Maloney got that one? Whatever. It's not like she's reading it.

Meanwhile, I get occasional mail (like, real mail in the mailbox) from Rep. Crowley, and he keeps in semi-regular email contact as well. And I've voted for him. I've mentioned him at B&E before. He looks like this...


Yesterday I got an email message directly from the office of Carolyn Maloney. That was a first. I received an unrelated email from Joe Crowley. Because I was feeling rather insistent that I'm represented by Joe Crowley, I went to house.gov to confirm it.

Naturally, I didn't know my zip+4 (because who does?), so I then went to the U.S. postal service zip code finder. And I plugged that number into house.gov, and got my answer.

Ready for this? My representative in Congress is Carolyn Maloney. EVEN THOUGH I'VE NEVER VOTED FOR (or against) HER!

So please, dear B&E readers... Allow me to introduce you to my (new?) representative to the United States Congress. Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney!


I don't know how she voted on the flag-burning amendment (see link to Joe Crowley above).

An Artful Response

I was giving MoMA some time to respond to my email before naming them Dickhead of the Week (which I may have to change to Dickhead of the Bi-Month). After all, I sent my note to their general email address, and I figured it would take some time before it got into the appropriate hands.

Still, I was probably two days away from giving them the DotW honor for their lack of response when, of course, they responded.

Dear Mr. [Bald & Effective],

Thank you for your e-mail of May 19, 2007. We appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts with us and thank you for advising and reminding us about the sign atop the MoMA QNS building. Your e-mail has been forwarded to MoMA's Director of Operations as well as other critical senior staff members who are currently making arrangements to have the sign fully dismantled.

The Museum was proud to be open to the public in Long Island City for 2 1/2 years, and truly grateful for the wonderful community support during that time. Although the Museum's exhibition programs have moved back to Manhattan, the MoMA QNS building is still an active study, research, and storage facility. Therefore we remain connected to Long Island City and Sunnyside--indeed all of Queens, and truly want to keep the respect of our Queens neighbors.

We apologize for not taking down the sign sooner, and ask you to please accept our apologies. We always welcome comments from our museum neighbors and visitors so that we may continue to improve service and enhance the quality of the MoMA experience--in BOTH boroughs.

Please feel free to contact me should you have any questions in the future.

Sincerely,
Diana Simpson
Director of Visitor Services
Director of Government and Community Relations
The Museum of Modern Art
11 West 53rd Street
New York, NY 10019

Their return email ended up in my junk mail folder. Since I like art (and they were responding to me) I opted to inform my email accounts that MoMA isn't a bunch of spamming bastards.

And while I'm not so sure I buy their need to be "reminded" about the sign atop their Queens building, Diana Simpson, Director of Visitor Services and Director of Government and Community Relations, crafted (or perhaps her assistant crafted and she sent) a thoughtful response that was appropriately conciliatory in tone. I feel like my needs were addressed, and my anger is somewhat diffused.

Of course, if her response isn't followed-up with action on the sign, I might have to get so angry that I'll... write another email!

Now if they could just do something about their damned $20 ticket prices...

Silence

In response to my correspondence to MoMA and Councilman Eric Gioia, I've received nothing. From MoMA, not even an acknowledgment of receipt. From Councilman Gioia, I got an automated response informing me that it was taking more than four hours to deliver my message but that I needed to take no further action.

Meanwhile, there's still a blight on my neighborhood, about which I'm reminded every time the 7 train makes its turn into Sunnyside.

Gosh, it pisses me off.

An Open Letter to MoMA

As some of you probably know, I've been rather pissed off at the Museum of Modern Art since they so unceremoniously came and went from my Queens neighborhood. Then they raised their ticket price to $20 because art should only be enjoyed by those who can afford to enjoy it.

Anyway, their leftover sign has been in its current state (pictured) for many months, and I'm tired of it. (That's part of the A of MoMA on the right. There are better angles than this one, but this will have to serve for the time being.) I wrote this email to MoMA this morning...

Dear MoMA,

Please show some respect for our neighborhood.

As a resident of Sunnyside, I was thrilled that MoMA came for a temporary stay during renovations to its midtown location. As the 7 train approached, the sign on top of the building (you know the one -- with the cubes spelling out MoMA) added some excitement to the arts scene in our fair borough.

But ever since you left Queens to move into your new space in September of 2004, I've been waiting for you to do something about that sign. For a while it was promoting nothing but your leftover storage and office space.

Then it appeared you were finally taking it down. And for what seems like the past year (maybe longer, maybe shorter), the sign has been half-removed.

Do you think we don't care how our neighborhood looks? It's one of the first and most noticeable things you see as the 7 train crosses over the rail yards into Sunnyside. Your lack of respect for our neighborhood, after we welcomed you so warmly for your temporary stay, is truly astounding.

Even if you really don't care about Sunnyside, Long Island City, or Queens in general, I would think that the issues surrounding the sign would be handled by your communications department. Surely someone at MoMA is aware that the half-sign is exceptionally poor use of the MoMA brand. A proud, aesthetic, arts organization is being associated with -- and indeed causing -- urban blight.

Please do something about your sign. We're not art snobs obsessed with beautification but, for crying out loud, we don't need you making our neighborhood uglier.

I've copied this email to my City Councilman Eric Gioia in the hopes that the City of New York will encourage you to do something about the mess you left behind in Queens.

My mother taught me to clean up after myself. It's not too much to expect the same from (to quote your mission statement) "the foremost museum of modern art in the world."

Thank you,
Dan
Sunnyside, Queens

Don't Forget to Vote

vote
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Look, I know it's just a stinkin' primary election today, but voting is a good time. And during a primary voting day, you don't even have to wait in any lines.

I love voting in Queens. There are fun language barriers and some of the oldest people I've ever seen. It's not efficient, but it is great. I got back an hour ago and I was the 21st person in my district to vote. How's that for making my vote count?

Primaries are fun, too, because you can actually vote for candidates who share a majority of your values. In the general election, I'll vote for Hillary over whomever the Republican candidate is. But today, I was able to vote for Tasini, who attempted to pull a Ned Lamont here in New York, but couldn't quite get momentum going for his campaign. Still, Tasini's an anti-war candidate hitting Hillary from the left. I love hitting the Democratic Party from the left.

In the Attorney General race, I went with Sean Patrick Maloney. Mark Green is fine, and Andrew Cuomo probably is, too, and Maloney has no real chance of winning. He's just a bit too unknown. But it's a primary! And Maloney has fire, chutzpah, cohones. Progressive, well-spoken, and passionate. I like Maloney. He gets my primary vote.

For governor, I went with the predictable choice: Eliot Spitzer. Apologies to my friend's boyfriend for not voting for his life-long buddy, Tom Suozzi. I don't dislike Suozzi. But finally, I went with Spitzer for a reason that's very important here at B&E...

He's got less hair. And anyone who can prosecute the shit out of Wall Street the way Spitzer has is clearly effective.

There Goes the Neighborhood For Real This Time?

starbucks
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Rumor has it that Sunnyside is getting a Starbucks. We held out for more than a decade longer than the rest of New York, but 2006 marks the end of the silent battle. I think that Starbucks waits until a local non-chain coffee place opens in a neighborhood and then figures that their time has come. The local place has, after all, already taken the risky first step of testing the waters.

That place in our divine neighborhood is, of course, The Grind, which I simultaneously support and bad-mouth. I really do want it to succeed. The Starbucks will be opening about eight blocks from The Grind, so I suspect it won't have too much direct effect on its business.

But there's still that matter of the hole in the ground. You know, the cursed block that was once the finest pub around, then a giant fire, then the cause of cracked foundations, and now a hole that's slowly filling up. I fully expect whatever retail space is being created to become a Starbucks. And that's the Starbucks that will kill The Grind.

The Grind makes good coffee, but most of the other problems persist. I don't understand why some things take so damned long. The music is still too loud. The food just isn't terribly good. Why (oh, why) do they insist on serving fondue? I fear the newfound competition in the neighborhood will cause The Grind's infinite crappiness to be temporary. Yet, in theory, I would rather support a locally-owned and operated coffee place than a Seattle-based chain.

But Starbucks, in its cookie-cutter franchising, has mastered the formula of coffee service. The food items are good. The lighting is pleasant. The music is in the background. Most importantly, you order and the coffee/brownie/etc. is in your hand almost immediately. Even when a half-dozen people are waiting for complicated half-caf-half-decaf-soy-chai-lattes, they're not waiting long. At least not as long as I've waited for a simple damned iced coffee at The Grind.

The Grind better work out its kinks fast. If Starbucks is moving in they don't have much time. I'll still go to The Grind over Starbucks. But I will be alone.

Unless, of course, this is all part of a nefarious plan. Virgil thinks, perhaps, that Starbucks opened The Grind. Open a crappy coffee place, you see, so that when the efficient chain moves in, people are already fed up and primed. No one complains about homogeny in an otherwise diverse neighborhood. They just go in and get their frappuccino like the good American consumers that they are.

Hey, what's good for General Bullmoose is good for the U.S.A.

Shame On... The 99-Cent Store

99-cent store
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Anyone who lives in New York knows that the City, during times of crisis, really comes together in a big, bad way. The outpouring of goodwill after 9/11, for example, was so great that Rudolph Giuliani received cheers at Shea Stadium, even though he's a vocal Yankees fan. Now that's goodwill.

So it was, too, during the blackout of 2003. Restaurants were giving away free water and doing outdoor barbecues to feed the neighbors (the food would just go bad anyway). There was a real sense of camaraderie.

As I wrote yesterday (before the cable modem died), we had ourselves a spotty blackout yesterday in Queens, one that continues to a lesser degree today. To supplement our two outlets, the missus and I went to the 99-Cent Store to get some candles.

The 99-Cent Store was prepared. Candles and water were both located right next to the entry. Candles were $1.65 a pop. $1.65. In a 99-cent store. Everything in the store, by name and definition, should cost 99-cents or less. During the blackout, candles were $1.65.

Shame on you, 99-Cent Store. Shame on you for preying upon desperate people. Shame on you for shunning the neighborhood spirit. Shame on you for bilking your loyal consumers.

Shame on... The 99-Cent Store.

Report From Queens

blackout
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A few days of brutal heat, followed by a powerful storm, and a baffled Sunnyside wakes to the spottiest blackout ever. The corners of 42nd and 44th Streets at Queens Boulevard have no working stop lights, adding to the death potential of Death's Own Boulevard. Respite can be found, however, at 41st and 43rd Streets and the Boulevard, where lights guide cars and pedestrians in perfect harmony. The fluorescents are on at the Worst Post Office Ever, but the automated stamp machines are down. The 99-Cent store features three windows of 99-Cent neon signage, but only the middle window burns bright. Some retail establishments are open and have the AC on full blast. Others are closed completely and attempting to rent generators. In this intrepid reporter's own apartment, two conveniently-placed outlets provide the only power, in spite of the fact that they are on different circuits: the refrigerator continues to provide protection to perishables, and an overworked surge protector by the bed keeps the cable modem, wireless router, fan, and computer functioning. So random is the power structure in our fair borough that Queens residents everywhere scratch their heads and mutter, "Mmmmrrr?"

Awesome Music in Praise of God!

grindint
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I want so badly for my local coffee joint to be good. And it's coming up just a bit short.

I've complained about the name before -- The Grind. It's a dumb name. Even dumber with the tagline, We Put the Bump and Grind in Your Coffee. You see, for an extra fifty cents, they'll put a "bump" (i.e. a shot of espresso) in your drink. Even if you like that idea, the name is dumb.

There were other red flags from the beginning. Before they opened, their sign read, "Expresso and Ambiance." Upon opening, I worried that they were trying to do too much too soon -- coffee, fondue, and some kind of pseudo fancy martini thing in the evenings.

While I've had bad luck with the sandwiches, it's hard to screw up a New York bagel. The service for anything other than coffee tends to be slow. New York establishments are particularly good at speedy service, so when you hit a slow one locally, man, you notice.

The vibe needs some work, too. The music is way too loud and crappy -- sometimes classic rock, but mostly Z-100, which is really about as bad as it comes here in NYC. There are a couple of big screen TV's. The first few times I was in there, they were playing classic comedies with the sound down -- "I Love Lucy," the Marx Brothers, the Three Stooges. Now it's all sports. I love my sports (particularly baseball and the World Cup -- oh, Zidane!), but ESPN makes the Grind feel like a bar.

Prime window seating is taken up by a row of computers, giving that section the feel of an internet cafe, complete with teenagers gaming. Meanwhile, there's no wireless for those of us in need of a change of location from our regular workplaces. (And, naturally, if I've forgotten my headphones, I'm not going to be getting any work done, anyway.)

I'm hopeful that they've finally gotten the temperature issues under control (a new AC unit!), but it's always a bit hot in there. I don't think they factored in the direct sunlight, the kitchen activity, and the plethora of hot plates keeping the coffee warm.

And speaking of hot plates, occasionally, you get a cup of coffee that's been sitting on the hot plate too long. I don't know why they didn't go for the vacuum-storage solution most coffee places have as standard these days. Between burning the coffee from the base and the oxygen going in the pour spout, you can, from time-to-time, get a cup of coffee that's a little assy.

Mostly, though, the coffee's good, and the space is comfortable. The staff and owners are nice. Because they're trying so hard, I'm having a hard time figuring out the best way to register my complaints without insulting anyone.

They've also done a little experimenting with live music. Mostly jazz in the evenings. Because they've been talking up the gross-sounding martinis, I don't have the inclination to check out the scene in the evenings.

This Friday, the Grind reaches to a new high: the Almighty. Several self-printed signs are up promoting a Christian rock band. "Awesome music in Praise of God!"

So how good will my coffee taste if it's been blessed by the zealots?

"We've put a big bump in your grind this morning -- the bump of Jesus Christ, who died on the cross at Golgotha, the place of the skull, so that you may enjoy your cup of joe with the peace that passeth understanding with the assurance of eternal life!"

Now that's a good fucking cup of coffee...

Sunnyside's Ragiest

Fellow 'hoodies already know that Sunnyside's post office is the worst place on earth. On top of being a picture of inefficiency, the anger emanating from employees and customers alike bubbles near explosiveness. Whenever there's a "gone postal" incident in the US, people on the news express their shock at how events have unfolded. Well, I'm shocked that there hasn't yet been some type of postal bloodbath at our local branch.

A typical three hours in line at Sunnyside's post office might result in the following exchange, which actually happened:

WOMAN IN LINE: Give me the fucking package back. I'll tape it myself. Fuck!
POSTAL WORKER: Fuck you!
WOMAN IN LINE: Fuck you!
POSTAL WORKER: Fuck you FUCK YOU FUCKYOUFUCKYOU!
WOMAN IN LINE (overlapping): FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!

In the context of our current national immigration debate, perhaps I should point out that the postal worker was a Korean immigrant, and the Woman in Line was a Latino immigrant, so the exchange happened in thick accents, which made it all the more compelling. Or felonious, depending on your feelings about immigration.

When (not if) the shooting happens at the Sunnyside post office, I want NY1 to interview me, so that there's someone to say, "Yeah, this has been brewing for years. Frankly, I'm surprised the body count wasn't higher. Or sooner."

And yes, I'm writing this because I'm trying to put off a necessary visit. Goddammit.

The Hipster Grind

grindext
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

On Friday evening, I met a friend in laughably-hip Williamsburg, Brooklyn. (Before I continue my assault on Williamsburg and Williamsburgers, let me add a caveat for those who've lived there for years. They are, obviously, the exceptions or, dare I say as the marketers do, the "key influencers." As for the followers...) Almost everyone in Billyburg looks like an independent filmmaker, and yet I think perhaps they're all too concerned with cultivating their image to spend time writing, directing, and/or producing films.

On my way to Williamsburg, where I feel like telling the inhabitants that they don't really live in Brooklyn, I noticed balloons swinging in the breeze, marking the opening of The Grind, Sunnyside's first coffee-based cafe. I'm not much of a drinker, which can pose a problem in an Irish neighborhood, so I embrace a place I can linger with my caffeinated drug of choice, even though I think The Grind is a dumb name (not as dumb a name, however, as their specialty drink - The Bump and Grind - a cup of coffee with an added shot of espresso; it sounds good, but I will never utter the words "bump and grind" in a coffee context).

grindint
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Since moving to the neighborhood six years ago, I've lamented Sunnyside's lack of "the finer things." But it's a trade-off I've been willing to live with to keep our 'hood under the radar. I'll travel for French food, the annual massage, and attractive companions. We've always had good coffee beans in the neighborhood (the organic java at the Middle Eastern Baruir's is spectacular), but haven't had a place to linger and enjoy that coffee, beyond the confines of my sofa. So while I welcome The Grind and its fairly dumb name, I hold onto hope that Sunnyside won't become Williamsburg.

I was pleased to see a schlubby old dude eating a waffle at The Grind on Saturday morning. I don't want to drink coffee where a schlubby old dude doesn't feel comfortable. One thing I've always loved about Sunnyside is its diversity and the cheap cuisine that comes with it. It was a relief seeing the place peppered with our local Koreans, Latinos, and Irish, and not just the non-immigrant whiteys.

grindview
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

But really, Sunnyside's transition to Hipsterville will continue to crawl at its current pace, I suspect, because of Queens Boulevard. You can put as many cute boutiques and art galleries as you want on the Boulevard of Death, and it will still be the same enormous thoroughfare that it is today. The elevated 7-train will dominate our landscape, preventing the street from turning into Bedford Avenue. Someday, I suppose, the masses could consider the wasteland of Queens Boulevard part of Sunnyside's charm. I sure do. Without Queens Boulevard, after all, we wouldn't have greasy spoons like the New Post (not to mention the murders that happen inside) or the late-night taco cart, two of Queens' finest institutions.

But I wait to see what happens on our cursed block. My prediction: Now that someone in the neighborhood has determined that we are hip enough to support a sit-and-linger coffee shop, when that new retail space opens up in its prime mid-neighborhood location, a Starbuck's will appear. Hopefully, the curse will doom the mighty Seattle chain and allow The Grind to thrive.

So I Never Did Find That Damned Cable for My Camera

bookshelves
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The missus and I have been considering moving into a larger apartment, as we've got far too much crap for our current one. The only trouble is that a recent influx of hipsters has made our previously under-the-radar neighborhood desirable to outsiders, causing local rents to jump a tad out of our reach. Our current place, on the other hand, is rent stabilized. So we're doing what we can to make the current place inhabitable.

Sunday and Monday were spent putting together a giant book case. It's not the one pictured, as that one is outside and useless to us, but it's huge and holds a lot of books. Almost floor-to-ceiling and wall-to-wall.

It also was holding a lot of books when half of it collapsed Sunday night. Good times.

Monday I woke with a migraine in my bald head, which made me ineffective all day, while the missus put books on the repaired bookshelves. We're now certain they will have no problems. (A quick shout-out of thanks to Virgil and Ian for their help in designing and doing the labor outside the skill set of me and the missus.)

This evening, the missus will return home from her job to a new bed frame and drawers, which I put together today.

Our apartment, like life, is a process. And isn't that a fucking deep thought. Shut up.

I'm Just a Country Girl...

On the subway yesterday, I was standing next to a woman who had the look that all people unfamiliar with the New York City subway system have. It's an expression at the intersection of determination, fear, and anger. She was wearing a shitload of makeup, and even more jewelry. Rich suburbanite, I'd guess. She didn't look like a subway rider. I have one of "those faces," so she ended up asking me for directions, beginning with what train she was on.

"W."
"Oh, FUCK! It's not an N?"
"Well, the W goes along the N line through Manhattan, but runs local."
"OK, but will it take me to 34th Street?"
"Yes."
"OK, thank you."

I go back to reading The Nation.

"So this will get me to Penn Station?"
"Well, you'll need to walk one long block to 7th Avenue, but yes."
"I was given, like, twelve different routes to Penn Station. Why don't you New Yorkers just give the best way?"
"Because the best way depends on many factors."

I go back to reading The Nation. A thing about lobbyists.

"And how do I know which way is 7th Avenue when I get out of the subway?"
"You'll see the Empire State Building. Keep it at your back as you walk."
"That's funny. Somebody else told me that."
"That person also gave you sound directions."

I go back to The Nation.

"My company just moved to Long Island City from Downtown because the rent's cheaper. I hate Queens."
"I live in Queens."
"It's just that it takes me an hour and forty minutes to get to work now."
"Oh, well, that sucks."
"This is the first time I've made the trip. I'm just a country girl from New Jersey."

Report from Queens

mapofthequeens
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It appears as though we've got ourselves a cursed block among us, as weary locals sigh with familiarity at dark storefronts. The block along the Boulevard of Death was the site of a fire more than two years ago that burned a butcher shop, a Dunkin' Donuts, a dry cleaner, a corner deli, and the 'hood's finest Irish pub completely to the ground. The Chipper, home of the best fish n' chips this side of the Atlantic, while still standing, was unable to recover from the closing, due to smoke damage, and never re-opened. In a wicked turn of events, the fire survivors have been forced to close again, as local construction cracks their building's foundation while gallantly attempting to fill the two-year-old hole in the ground at the heart of Sunnyside. Korean Christians are without a church, sandwich-eaters without a deli, donut-munchers without a Dunkin' (it re-opened where the Chipper was), and comfort-seekers without their Korean diner until the crack can get patched up. But just to end on a positive note, because we 7-train riders are an optimistic (if unattractive) bunch, the butcher shop was the first to reopen just a few short months after the fire. It moved to a much larger location conveniently positioned across the street from my apartment. And it thrives. Oh, does it thrive. Makes a mean fucking sandwich, too.

Report from Queens

sunnyside
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Yet another neighborhood homicide rocks 7-train commuters, as a bakery worker in Sunnyside/Woodside gets pushed in front of an oncoming train. With two murders in as many weeks, weary locals wonder whether their honeymoon with our fair borough is over. But even as tense neighbors scream at each other in hallways about all that fucking noise they make, it's not all news of Sunnycide, here, in Sunnyside. In fact, there are positive developments. More than six months in the making, the Cheesesteak Factory has finally had its grand opening, marked by an enthusiastic free food promotion during the most gluttonous of holidays this past weekend. It'll be a slow, artery-clogged death for us Sunnysiders now, thank you very much.

An Alternate Universe? Nope. Just California.

Oh, Sunnyside, my sweet, sweet Sunnyside. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. So lovely and temperate, even, that San Francisco needs one, too.

But I ask you this, you left coast liberals: was your favorite diner host to a homicide last week? I think not!

(Thanks again to blondandeffective, who demonstrates her effectiveness by being one of the only New Yorkers to read the SF Gate, the rare English-speaker who reads Le Monde, and almost certainly the only blond to read Al-Jazeera.net. Nice work, lady.)

New Post Update

The New York Times has a slightly more detailed report of yesterday's murder at the New Post Coffee Shop.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

My favorite greasy spoon was the cause of the helicopter and the police this morning. Phil's comments from before have been confirmed.

The New Post Coffee Shop totally rules, and I hope Tommy the short-order cook, and everyone else, is OK...

Dickhead of the Week - Whoever's Responsible for the Fucking Helicopter

helicopter
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's been hovering in my neighborhood for the past hour, and there's nothing on the local news to explain it.

It must therefore be unnecessary.

Go to hell, Dickhead. Some of us would like to be asleep still.

UPDATE: 8am and it's still there. Dickhead.

Report from Queens

fatpig
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A day-trip demonstrates the enormity of our fair borough, as this Sunnysider spends an hour-and-a-half traveling in one direction without ever leaving Queens. The destination? Little Neck's Queens County Farm. The last of the farms where farms once ruled, its forty-seven acres of agricultural bliss feature free range chickens wandering into engagement celebrations, really really really fat pigs napping comfortably, and children chasing the sheep in defiance of signs reading, "Please don't chase the sheep." Much of your time at the farm may be hayrack rides and heavy petting (sometimes simultaneously), but be sure to keep a wide berth around the pumpkin patch. Trespassing locals sind verboten! Yeah, buddy, that means you.

Dastardly Neighbors

For those of you unfamiliar with parking cars in NYC, there's this concept referred to as "Alternate Side Parking." For a few hours on certain days, one side of the street needs to be cleared for street cleaning. In Manhattan this happens several times a week. In Queens it's just once a week. On one side of my street, for example, there's no parking from 9:30-11:00am on Thursdays. On the other side of the street, no parking from 9:30-11:00am on Fridays. So if you rarely use your car, you still have to move it at least once a week.

For some, Alternate Side Parking is an opportunity to get your car closer to your apartment. The whole street is clear, so you've got your choice. But you have to sit in your car for that hour and a half in case the traffic cop or street cleaner shows up. Then you pull around the block back into the same space. Simple enough.

Parking in Queens is nothing on parking in Manhattan, but still, my street starts to fill up around 10:30am, and then people wait, sometimes having conversations with their fellow parkers until 11:00am, when it's safe to leave their cars for another week. Others bring a book or magazine and a cup of coffee and just sit there. This morning, I took out my laptop and got some pretty good work done on a script I'm writing.

I was parked as close to a yellow line as I could be, near a hydrant. The next space beyond the hydrant was actually being blocked by a woman cleaning up leaves from one of Sunnyside's autumn trees. She was working excruciatingly slowly, and during the half hour I sat there, at least three cars pulled up to where she was working. She didn't even acknowledge their presence, as she slowly swept and bagged leaves. Each car eventually gave up and looked for another space.

Finally, her daughter pulls up and the woman moves. The leaf bagging was all a ruse. She was simply saving a parking spot.

Feelin' a Little Less Groovy

queensboro bridge
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The whole city has slowed down. It was moving too fast to deal with the four-alarm fire on the 59th Street Bridge today.

Fortunately, there are no reports of injuries, so while travelers between Manhattan and Queens may not be feelin' too groovy this afternoon, in the near future, we hope to go back to kickin' down the cobblestones and lookin' for fun.

Report From Queens

banner
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's Restaurant Week in Queens, and hungry locals flock to their favorite eateries in the hopes of good deals on good meals. In a shout out to the New York World's Fair, hosted by our fair borough, three courses at a number of high-end restaurants will run Sunnysiders, Maspethians, and even Elmhurstites a mere $19.64. Proudly demonstrating our working class roots while simultaneously raising epicurian eyebrows, the list of participating restaurants includes the world famous White Castle, located in the heart of Sunnyside along the Boulevard of Death. Three courses of mini-burgers for $19.64? You know it. This is Queens, bitch.

Report from Queens

prepster
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A new, wealthier and more attractive demographic on our ever-faithful number 7 train can mean only one thing to Sunnysiders: it's U.S. Open time. The so-called "Ugly Train" has gotten itself prettified by preppy white folk out to get entertained by more preppy white folk. Quick to name the handful of players-of-color playing in Arthur Ashe stadium, thereby proving that tennis is no white sport, country clubbers make their annual pilgrimage to Flushing Meadows, taking up the seats usually reserved for Queens residents coming home from the daily grind. Even so, the competition among the elite is oddly compelling, as our fair borough wonders what did, in fact, happen to Andy's mojo. His birthday failings leave him in his metaphorical birthday suit in front of the crowd, and it's almost possible to feel sorry for the preppy prick. Almost.

Report From Queens

snakehead
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A routine fish sampling in Meadows Lake in Flushing reveals the unexpected and the horrifying. There's Northern Snakehead in that there pond! These torpedo-shaped, many-toothed predators can walk on their fins and briefly breathe air, although contrary to myth, they are unable to survive for three days without water and do not - yet - attack Sunnysiders in particular or humans in general. Still, as our fair borough considers how to deal with our fear of this non-native/invasive species with a voracious appetite for, well, just about anything, local toughs opt for a well-practiced mob approach: "Screw the Snakehead. Eradicate!"

Report from Queens - A Follow Up

cheesesteak
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Three months later, and an impatient Sunnyside continues its ever-lengthening wait for cheese steaks. Alas, there are reports of lawsuits. Borrowed equity (and a stolen logo) have the Cheesecake eaters going after the Cheesesteak makers, but there's some confusion surrounding the ownership of the new Queens Boulevard eatery. So who to sue? We've got fake names, thousands of "co-owners," suspect leases, and "a nice guy named Carlo"... Meanwhile, our fair borough waits... and waits... and waits... Queens is a regular Casablanca.

Report from Queens (via Vermont)

nyc2012_04
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The news reverberates throughout the northeast, as New York's shown the Olympic hand, in favor of London for host city in 2012. (President Jacque Chirac's insult of British cuisine may have backfired.) Reeling from defeat, our fair borough wonders, "Will New York recover?" Always looking forward, fiery locals ponder the possibility of 2016, or even 2020, for which Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs would certainly be slated to anchor. Still, even with emotions ranging from devastation to relief, tickled Sunnysiders everywhere giggle, "Our Mets still get their stadium, suckas!"

Report from Queens

graham
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Our fair borough registers its bewilderment, as 7-train locals wonder why there are so many white teenagers wearing yellow shirts on the train today. Upon closer examination, the shirts reveal a picture of Jesus Christ and the words "Are You Ready?" and "Plano, TX." Never slow on the uptake, the collective light bulbs turn on above our heads and alarm sets in. The Baptists Are Coming! The Baptists Are Coming! The Reverend Billy Graham, every president's favorite (white) preacher man, crusades this weekend in Flushing Meadows/ Corona Park. And with him comes hope. For Graham and his throngs are crusading so close to Shea Stadium, even non-believers are praying that this will have a positive result for the Mets, who play the Yankees in the Bronx this weekend.