Hey, Manhattan! Your St. Patrick's Day Parade Can Suck It!

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, which is a pretty big deal amongst the drinking set. No other holiday lives up to the stereotype quite like St. Patrick's Day. Well done, Irish people.

Most New Yorkers already know that the main St. Patrick's Day parade - the one in Manhattan that goes right by St. Patrick's Cathedral - doesn't allow any gay people to march. A court ruling upheld the prejudice a few years ago on the grounds that the parade is run by a private entity and therefore had the right to do whatever it wanted.

Beginning 11 years ago, my neighborhood, which has a large Irish community, started hosting the St. Pat's For All parade, usually a couple of weeks before the big, bigoted one on the holiday itself. I went to one of the first St. Pat's For All parades back in the early aughts, but hadn't been for quite some time.

Oh, yes, B&E readers... It really is "for all." And it really is a good time, as the photos will demonstrate.

Lest you think it's just another gay pride parade, let's kick things off with a photo of the bagpipes. Bagpipes! Never mind that bagpipes are Scottish; they feature prominently at any good St. Patrick's Day parade, even the ones that include the gays. And why not? The pipers are men in skirts!


There were probably a good half dozen or more LGBTQ, etc. groups marching in the parade, but this one had the best banner:


God may have made this dude queer, but being a pirate is a choice.

In case you didn't notice, that's a live parrot on his head. I've actually seen this particular pirate outside of Mets games. He is not easily forrrrrrrrrrrrrrgotten.

Perhaps the single biggest thrill of the day was when NY1's very own Roger Clark came to a stop right in front of us. The missus and I complimented him until he was appropriately embarrassed. He may have also felt a little threatened by our zeal. But look, B&E readers! Roger Clark is happy to see me!


These African American and Latino Irish dancers from P.S. 59 in the Bronx have gotten some national recognition. But only because they're fucking awesome.


The Rude Mechanical Orchestra made some fun music as they strode by. They were, as you might expect, heavy on the trombone.


The Central Brooklyn Independent Democrats really stress the "independent" in their name.



The biggest hit of the St. Pat's For All parade every year is SUDS, the Sunnyside United Dog Society. It's true. They are united.



Except this poor bastard who lagged behind just a bit. I think he was drunk.


Those of you planning a trip to Sunnyside should make sure your visit coincides with the St. Pat's For All parade. I didn't even see any barfing, and I'm guessing that's not something Manhattan's prejudiced St. Patrick's Day parade will be able say. They'll be heavy on the barfing and light on the queers. What the hell kind of parade are they running in there?

Things are Fishy on Staten Island

And I don't just mean the stench of the Fresh Kills Landfill!

Today is Groundhog Day (insert movie reference here). I watched the live coverage of Staten Island Chuck on NY1 this morning. Long-time B&E readers may remember previous mentions of Staten Island Chuck. He's New York's answer to Punxsutawney Phil, the notorious weather-predicting groundhog of Pennsylvania.

NY1 reports that in the past 29 February 2nds, Staten Island Chuck has been right 22 times, giving Chuck a better record than Phil over the same period.

Well, I had some observations of today's live coverage that makes me think the whole thing is rigged somehow.

First of all, on a separate but related matter, Staten Island Chuck might be a real dick. Last year he took a chunk out of Mayor Bloomberg's finger. This year Mayor Mike wore super-thick work gloves that I think were made of dragon hide.

Anyway, they tried to lure Chuck out, and we (the TV audience) waited. We waited quite some time. That groundhog wouldn't fucking come out. Finally, some brave mayoral aide (without gloves) reached into Chuck's little hut and yanked him out, handing him to the mayor, who nearly dropped him.

Chuck got fat.

And I'm sorry, but Mayor Mike didn't confer with Staten Island Chuck at all before announcing that Chuck didn't see his shadow.

Anyone watching could tell you that Chuck didn't want to come out of his hovel because he saw nothing BUT shadow. He was freaked the fuck out. And fat.

Meanwhile, in Punxsutawney, Phil saw his shadow. I didn't watch any live coverage, but Phil looked svelte (possibly starved, if you believe PETA, who would prefer that Phil be a robot), and a dude with a funny hat and Rollie Fingers mustache listened carefully to what Phil had to say.

I think I figured out what's going on. In Punxsutawney, they genuinely listen to what Phil has to say about the weather. He sees his shadow; he doesn't see his shadow. They trust Phil.

Staten Island is the most suspect of the five boroughs of New York City. Even people who live there don't really know what goes on there. I don't know if the whole Staten Island Chuck experience is bankrolled by the mob or what, but I have a feeling that the weather prediction is more about the number-runners and money-changers than the goddamned weather.

And it wouldn't surprise me one bit if somehow Mayor Mike is in on the fix. I don't know if he's consulting Poor Richard's Almanack or what, but I do know that he didn't bother to consult with that fat, angry groundhog.

It's suspect, B&E readers. It's fucking suspect.

Comments That Make Me Happy

I've had "a week," as people say, so I haven't focused much energy on B&E in the past few days. I still don't have much to say, so let me turn to people who say things in the B&E comments section instead.

For reasons probably having to do with Google, several old posts seem to garner more attention than others and continue to reap the benefits of comments long after they were written.

To my screed against dreadlocks (in relation to their ubiquity in Sweden), I received this comment, from Anonymous (if that is indeed his or her name):

I usually dont comment on blogs, but the sheer stupidity of this post left me with no choices...

Get a life man....seriously..

This one really made me happy. I offer no defense for my stupidity except to say, "Watch your use of ellipses and apostrophes. And your dreadlocks don't look nearly as good as you think they do, Whitey. Shave them."

Some of my posts on the Bad Advertising on NY1 seem to get some late attention, too. Related to my post about Hillside Honda, Anonymous (if that is indeed his or her name - gosh, I wonder if it's the same person as Dreadlocked Whitey above) writes:

Dat's my daughtah Angelah ... she's a beautiful goyl!! Ohhhhh!

What I really wish is that I could hear that last "Ohhhhh!" the way the writer intends it because I'm not sure that my reading of it is what Anonymous had in mind.

Apparently, those Binder & Binder ads are international. Who knew? Well, I know that now (and so do you) thanks to Rossvegas (if that is indeed his name):

Hey, I'm up here in Canada and we get the amazing Binder Lid™ here too. I'm guessing he's hiding a bald dome, because that hat is just WAY too ridiculous to be worn otherwise.

Nice touch on that little TM after "Binder Lid."

Those are just a few of the recent comments inspired by the latest ramblings of B&E.

I'd be remiss if I failed to mention two other things:

First of all, a special shout-out goes to Curt (Bald Bro), if that is indeed his name, for keeping us all informed in the latest of head-shavings from around the country and world.

And finally, I was pleased to learn recently that if you Google "feckless weenies," B&E is the second result. I can live with a silver medal in the "feckless weenie" category. I'd like to thank my mom and dad, my agent, and God.

If I Can Read It, Why Can't I Hear It?

I've got the venerable NY1 on again this morning, and one of the segments was sponsored by Puppetry of the Penis. The screen was yellow with giant black letters spelling out the name of the show, and as the announcer said the name of the show, penis was bleeped out.

Do they not want blind people to know the name of the show?

Yes, of course I realize that it's because small children can't read, and that if they don't hear the word, maybe they won't be aware of the word.

But since when is penis a bad word? It's actually the technical term for one's cock.

In Other Words, "Up Yours, Anchorwoman!"

As most B&E readers know, I find NY1 to be a comforting part of my morning ritual. Weather on the 1s keeps my routine on track, and the local reporting is totally charming. It's also repetitive, which helps me know when I really need to get a move on.

Every so often technical difficulties keep it off my TV. On those days, I tend to flip to one of the national networks. The Today Show on NBC actually makes me viscerally angry for reasons I've never analyzed, so this morning I'm giving The Early Show on CBS a shot.

I don't know, B&E readers... It lacks... something.

They were doing a little feature on the tenth anniversary of JFK, Jr.'s death, and after the canned part of the feature, the anchorman said something along the lines of, "Being here in New York when he died... There was like a pall over the whole city..."

"I can imagine!" said the anchorwoman.

"It was really... unimaginable..." said the anchorman. "We'll be right back."

Yeah, I miss my NY1.

Dickhead Rewarded

The stupid stupidheads that call themselves the New York State Senate have finally resolved their stupid stupidness.

The winner is... Dickhead Martin Espada!

Espada and Hiram Monserrate were the original defectors, with Monserrate almost immediately returning back to the Democrats to create the stalemate. Thirty-one days later, the Democrats reclaim power, with Espada also returning to the Democrats.

And imagine that! All it took was to name Pedro Espada the Majority Leader. So as long as we're without a Lieutenant Governor, this guy is second in line to be Governor!

On NY1 this morning, they were showing a clip of the actual transfer of power from previous Majority Leader Malcolm Smith to Espada. Smith introduced the new leader, and while the many stupid senators applaud, Espada stands, buttons up his sharp suit jacket, and has the single smuggest, most self-satisfied look I've ever seen on a face.

NY1 then followed that clip with a clip from the news conference announcing his return to the Democrats, during which Espada said something like, "It's never been about power; it's been about empowerment."

His own personal empowerment, apparently. This guy is truly loathsome.

Stay Classy, Staten Island

We had a bit of a work outing last night, taking in a game at the Ballpark at St. George on Staten Island. The Yankees' independent single-A affiliate, cleverly called the Staten Island Yankees, play there. And I do love a minor league baseball game.

Local news (NY1!) has occasional reports of the rising obesity problem in New York City. I think maybe those studies are all taking place at the Ballpark at St. George. But that's not really what I want to share with you, my dear B&E readers.

These Single-A players are pursuing a dream. It's possible, but unlikely, that one of the players we saw last night will work his way through the minor league system and make it the pros. These guys have a long way to go, and the odds are stacked against them.

At this level, I root for individuals. I have absolutely no loyalty to the Staten Island Yankees or the Aberdeen Ironbirds. But I'm pulling for these players. So when an Aberdeen Ironbird player smacked the ball into the corner and sped his way to a triple, I just said, "Nice!"

The father in the family sitting in front of us gave me a pretty good glare. He had some long hairs coming out of the tip of his nose.

He'd already sort of annoyed the colleague sitting next to me by sticking his elbow in her beer, and after I got the glare, she told me that she was reading his text messages over his shoulder earlier in the game. One said:

FUCK U COCKSUCKER U GAY MOTHERFUCKER

I didn't see the message, so I'm not sure if it actually used the texting vernacular or caps or punctuation, but that's what I imagined when she shared that with me.

The gay slur is still ubiquitous, isn't it?

But this one just doesn't make sense. I mean, if Hairy Nose is fucking his mother, he's not gay. He's got issues, but he's not gay.

Now, if the mother in the family had gotten that text message, it'd be closer to accurate, I suppose, although the cocksucker part would perhaps imply that she's not gay.

I just don't think that text message was very well thought out.

Digital Detox - Round 1

Blogging about a digital detox is so very meta. My mind is blown.

Evening was a breeze. Got home, made a nice big salad with the missus. We had just enough time to do some dishes and make some funny faces at each other before going to bed.

Morning was confusing. Routine upended. Woke up a half hour later. Had my coffee without NY1 and web-browsing for potential material. Read my trusty Nation magazine instead. Completely lost track of time and had to rush out of the house.

Feeling discombobulated now.

Digital Detox

So Adbusters has declared this to be Digital Detox Week. No media for a week.

I'm doing it. Granted, it's a slightly modified version. I will be fully connected at work, and I'd be kidding myself if I think I won't be browsing news sites and blogs, checking email, etc. Plus, I'm getting a slightly late start, having already watched NY1 this morning.

But once I leave work, that'll be it. No computer, and no TV.

If this ends up being my last post for a week or so, I hope you'll understand. I tend to blog during my non-work hours. And with a media blackout, that will be somewhat difficult to do.

And if I sneak in an entry or two during work hours, I hope my boss will understand. I promise that it's all happening outside the world of my time sheets!

New York Announces... HEY, TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE!

So Governor Paterson, annoyed that New York has somehow become less gay than other states, has announced legislation to legalize gay marriage. At the announcement, Paterson was joined by a coalition of New Yorkers who support the measure, including Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who was once a Democrat, became a Republican to run for mayor, became an Independent while in office, and now may run as a Republican again.

He's as fickle as an experimental lesbian at Sarah Lawrence College! (I can say that because I went there. Or maybe I can't because I'm not a lesbian. Any lesbians out there want to confirm whether or not I can make that joke? You wacky lesbians.)

Anyway, during the press conference, Mayor Mike stopped everything to humiliate a reporter who had an electronic device of some sort going off. (I just saw this on NY1, of course.) Mayor Mike said something about this whole thing being way too important for interruptions, and he put the presser on hold for about a minute until the reporter could get it to stop making noise.

Well, it turns out that the reporter is a disability rights advocate everyone at City Hall knows well and, especially since it was actually another reporter who caused the problem, Mayor Mike now looks like a complete prick for bullying a dude in a wheelchair.

The most obnoxious part of the whole thing, however, is that when NY1 played the clip of Governor Paterson making his part of the announcement, Mayor Mike was sending a message on his fucking Blackberry. Too important for interruptions indeed.

Mayor Mike, you hypocritical, bullying douchebag. Shame on you.

Pitchers and Catchers Tomorrow!

Oh, it's almost time for spring training, B&E readers/baseball fans! And there's been a lot of baseball news of late, if you consider drug use "baseball news."

Performance-enhancing drugs keep making headlines. A-Rod admitted using them back when he was young and stupid, like only 26, but you know, it was all just the culture at the time, and I felt all this pressure, and excuse excuse excuse excuse, and he's totally a clean Yankee and always has been a clean Yankee. Nothing to see here, folks, except my hairless pectoral muscles and exceptional ball-playing abilities unless it's October.

Speaking of performance-enhancers, Miguel Tejada put in his guilty plea for lying to Congressional investigators about a teammate's use of drugs. How the hell did Miguel think he'd get away with that? It's not like he's a member of the Bush administration or something. So in his plea Miguel says that he was once given a shot of human growth hormone, and he threw it away without using it. I totally believe him about that. Totally. Totally.

And then of course there was the revelation that yes, Virginia, Barry Bonds did test positive for steroids. As evidence in his trial those tests might get chucked, but that doesn't really matter anymore, does it? He's an asshole everyone dislikes immensely, and now it OK to publicly call him a liar.

Players on steroids. Meh. It's not that I don't care. I want baseball to be clean. I like pitchers' duels, small ball, and low-scoring games. I just particularly hate that the buck stops with the players. Owners and management are culpable too, and in fact profited from the monster home runs more than anyone, but no one's going after those guys, who awarded the giant contracts to the big hitters.

Then, unrelated to steroids, there's this little story, first broken by the New York Daily News. Roberto Alomar was an All-Star second baseman, and some would probably say that he was one of of the all-time great second basemen. He played for the New York Mets for a couple of seasons and was an unmitigated disaster. He suddenly stopped hitting, he made boneheaded plays in the field, and he became one of the Mets fans' favorite scapegoats.

My expert punditry about this story: shit is fucked up. Robby's ex-girlfriend has filed a lawsuit that accuses him of making him have unprotected sex with her even though he has full-blown AIDS. See what I mean? This shit, true or untrue, is seriously fucked up.

Robby's lawyer says the lawsuit is frivolous and, "He's healthy and would like to keep his health status private." Excuse me, Mr. Lawyer, but if you want to keep his health status private, you shouldn't announce that he's healthy. I mean, you just publicized that he's healthy, so his health status is no longer private. I'm confused.

A bunch of other media outlets have picked up the story now, but buried deep in the Daily News article and not mentioned by others is that Robby told his girlfriend that when he was 17, after playing a game in a Southwestern state, he was raped by two Mexican men.

Shit. Is. Fucked. Up.

When NY1 reported on the Roberto Alomar lawsuit yesterday morning, to accompany the story they played clips of his many mishaps on the field at Shea Stadium - double plays, strikeouts, errors, etc. The editor of the piece was clearly a Mets fan, still resentful of Robby's meltdown. That shit is fucked up, too.

But starting tomorrow, there's actual spring training baseball happening. There's even some unofficial spring training baseball happening already. I can't wait to read about baseball again and not all this fucked up shit.

Because that all that shit is fucked up.

The Secret's Out

Yesterday, NY1 did a little story about how the happiest borough is Queens.

I hope this doesn't mean all those miserable bastards in Manhattan and Brooklyn don't start moving here.

So why are we so happy? Cultural diversity, ethnic food, friendly neighbors, safety, and quality of life.

Or, as we like to say around these parts... Because it's Queens, bitches.

Bad Advertising on NY1 - Hillside Honda

OK, so in all fairness to Hillside Honda, I can't actually remember if this is their commercial or not, but I think it is. That I've seen the ad just about every morning for the past six months and can't remember for certain might be a problem in and of itself. Anyway...

A young man and woman (both in their 20s) stand outside Hillside Honda. They do not seem to know each other. The dude holding an umbrella kicks it off with, "Hey! What are you doin'?" with the tone of someone talking to a fucking idiot.

The chick, holding her laptop, explains that she's on HillsideHonda.com, but she's right outside the dealership, so why do that, because the dealership isn't open yet and she can't wait for great deals, and then she's gotta go, and he starts to ask her a question, and she thinks it's gonna be for her phone number, but no, he wants to check out HillsideHonda.com, and she's disappointed.

Alright, so...

The dude's holding an umbrella, so why the hell does the chick have her laptop out? It's raining, woman! Not only will it ruin your laptop, but it must be some sort of fucking electric shock risk. Also, Hillside Honda's in Jamaica, Queens, and unless the dealership has free WiFi, she's not getting a signal on that thing. Plus, neither actor can, well, act. And even if you accept her argument that she's there to pick up the free WiFi and look for great deals, why the hell is the dude at the dealership when it's not open yet? Then of course there's no earthly reason the chick would want the dude to get her number, based on his assholic tone toward her throughout. On the other hand, she would have no earthly reason to expect him to ask for her number when she's fucking stupid enough to look at her laptop in the rain without an umbrella (he's holding the umbrella, remember?).

Yeah, it's a pretty fucking stupid commercial.

Bad Advertising on NY1 - Binder & Binder

I'm not going to get into the details of the poor production quality, shitty graphics, and weak voice over in the low-tech spot for law firm Binder & Binder on NY1. Those issues come with the territory in local advertising. And in some ways, it's an effective ad. It even uses a personal story to demonstrate a larger point (they win Social Security payments for their clients).

Then a lawyer called Binder comes on screen. And he's wearing a cowboy hat.

What's amazing about this is that someone made that decision. Maybe Binder likes his new hat and wanted to showcase it. Maybe Binder is losing his hair and needed to cover his plugs during the only time of year the firm had the budget to produce a TV spot. Maybe someone thought a cowboy hat would say "America." Who knows? But someone made this disastrous decision.

I'm not hiring a lawyer who wears a ten-gallon cowboy hat on a TV spot that airs on a local New York City news station. Neurons are misfiring somewhere here.

The Nostalgia Train

Chalk this one up under "Another Reason New York City Totally Rules"...

The missus and I attended brunch yesterday at a trendy location on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, a borough some people think is great.

As we were transferring from our local #7 train to the downtown B/D/F/V options, the Nostalgia Train pulled into the station. I remembered hearing about this special MTA event on the ever-reliable NY1. It's so rare that you hear good things about the MTA on the news that, when you do, the reports really stand out.

Classic subway cars, B&E readers! We rode in a 1930s number with uncomfortable seats (although the lumbar support was surprisingly solid) that was in service until the 1970s. I wasn't in NYC in the 1970s, so it was all new to me.

The MTA has the Nostalgia Train all decked out in classic subway ads, and even the locals look like tourists riding this thing: cameras (or cellphone cameras) out, smiles across the board, and interactions with strangers.

The MTA conductors seemed to be having a good time, and at least one obvious train enthusiast (no MTA identification and wearing a classic engineer's cap) was making platform announcements to let everyone know that it was running along the V line from Queens Plaza to 2nd Avenue. (Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me.)

So if you're in New York City on either of the next two Sundays, I recommend finding your way to the V train and keeping an eye out for the Nostalgia Train.

It'll be one of the few times that the MTA makes you happy.

This morning, of course, the MTA followed up the Nostalgia Train experience with a really shitty commute. Well done.

Bloomberg Gets Extended Term Limits, No News on Lips

The City Council cleared Bloomberg to run for a third term, even though I seem to remember NYC voting twice to limit terms in office to two.

I don't have strong feelings about term limits, but I'm pretty sure I voted against them. If my representative is doing a good job, I don't have a problem with that person running for office again. In theory, an election can serve as a limit on terms.

Sure, I see the other argument, too: fresh blood, more about doing the work than saving the job, etc.

But no, I don't like that it was our City Council that decided to extend the term limits. Not one bit. Fifty-one council members overturned two referendums voted on by millions. Hell, man, I'd probably vote to extend term limits, but you didn't even give me a fucking chance.

For the record, my council member, Eric "Where There's a Camera There's a" Gioia, voted against extending term limits. Surprisingly, I haven't yet seen him on TV discussing his vote. I wonder if he's moved off of NY1 and onto the major networks.

I'm So Proud of You

In McCain's continuous defense of his choice of running mate, he constantly says that he's proud of her. His spokespeople are feeling the pride as well.

NY1 is off the air in my home, so I'm watching the Today Show on NBC. Man, these national morning news programs are terrible. But they do get the national campaign spokesfolks, and McCain's woman just repeated the line about how proud they are of Sarah Palin.

Is Palin a child? Is she his daughter? Is she a participant in the Special Olympics who sacrificed her own victory to help a fallen competitor?

I'm no fan of Sarah Palin, but at some point she should tell McCain and his spokespeople to stop being so damned condescending. They're helping her look like fucking idiot.

Another Reason I Wish I Was an Economist

Here in New York we're waking up to worldwide market crashing. So if we assume that...

- the missus and I have no investments,
- we don't own our own home, or any homes at all,
- we both have gainful employment...

Does any of this affect us at all?

And who's the bald lunatic screaming about money and taking it all so personally?

Man, the morning routine without NY1 totally blows.

Where's My Weather on the 1's?

Every so often, NY1 goes dark on me. Such mornings are quiet. Too quiet. This is one of those mornings. I don't like it. It's like I've lost my moral compass.

Diversity Reminiscent of Offensive Jokes

Local advertisers understand that we've got ourselves a melting pot here in New York City, so portraying diversity in local ads proves a sensitivity to our many cultures. Or perhaps local industry just knows that they have many target audiences from which to take money.

Large companies will create individual ad campaigns targeted toward the different markets. But what do you do if your budget only allows for the creation of only one campaign or even only one ad?

Easy! You shove as much diversity into that ad as possible!

A pattern is emerging on NY1, everyone's favorite local news station. You get three people. A white dude, an Asian woman, and a black dude. Show them enjoying your product in perfect harmony. Done.

The white dude is sometimes a white woman, if more women use the product than men.

A white dude, an Asian girl, and a black guy are watching TV... A white girl, an Asian chick, and a black dude are going shopping...

Keep an eye out for this pattern, B&E readers, and ask yourself: where are the Latinos at?

Bad Advertising on NY1 - The Grand Prospect Hall

The TV spot for The Grand Prospect Hall is really difficult to describe, which is really the only reason I haven't yet tackled it. And then it disappeared from the NY1 airwaves.

Well, it's been back with a vengeance this week, with a new version that's really just a "turd polish" (official industry term used by editors) of the version I grew to love. And thanks to YouTube, I can let it speak for itself (the version I first saw, that is).



It's great stuff. From the Klassy banquet hall to the Vivaldi music, from the poor production quality to the stiff-armed, monotone shouting at the end... I love everything about this ad.

And in my search for this version, I also came upon the classic (is it the original??) spot from 1986. They were so young! And just as Klassy...



I can't believe the missus and I didn't get hitched there. We're such idiots!

Roger Clark Is Having a Heart Attack! On Live TV!

There's some sort of beach volleyball tournament happening in Coney Island this weekend, and Roger Clark of NY1 is covering the story. He's bumping, setting, and "spiking" with a couple of Olympic beach volleyballers (beach volleyball is an Olympic sport, but softball isn't anymore?), while giving his report.

He can't speak. He's out of breath. I'm seriously concerned for his health. Especially in this heat.

I hope NY1 sends an EMT along with Roger for his more physical reporting. Roger, be careful. The missus and I love you tremendously. Don't die on us, please.

Bad Advertising on NY1 - NY1

Any TV channel does its share of self-promotion. When I'm watching Major League Baseball's Game-of-the-Week on Fox, they do everything they can to convince me that I'm missing out on an amazing program called "Bones."

So naturally, NY1 promotes its other programs: Inside City Hall, On Stage, The Call, and more.

But NY1 also does a little something that I haven't seen on any other channel. NY1 does advertising about its advertising.

They're short little spots, man-on-the-street interviews with New Yorkers who like their bus ads. The bus ads are nothing but the blue NY1 logo on a yellow background with black type. They feature one of three headlines: Congestion Free; Alternate-Side Talking; or No Trans Fat.

Enthusiasm from the New Yorkers-on-the-street varies somewhat. A couple people say the right things (to appear on the ad), but seem genuinely confused. One person says, "I'm gonna look for the whole set!" which is really too bad.

Some might call advertising about advertising fresh or out-of-the-box thinking or "totally meta." I call it stupid and curiously narcissistic.

Which Borough is Gayest?

Happy Pride Week to my many LGBTQ readers! OK, are any of you actually lesbian, gay, bi, transgendered, or queer? Don't feel like you have to come out on B&E, dear readers, but know that this is a LGBTQ-friendly zone.

To honor Pride Week, NY1 is doing a series of gay features on gay subjects throughout the gay week. This morning, they did a little ditty (dare I say a musical number) on the lesbian enclave of Park Slope. I appreciate living in a city in which the local news channel doesn't fear the gay features.

Turns out, Brooklyn has officially become the gayest borough in New York City. In fact, Brooklyn is home to the fourth largest gay community in the United States, behind San Francisco, the bulk of Massachusetts, and Topeka, Kansas. (I totally just made that list up, in case you couldn't tell.)

Anyway, Brooklyn's the gay borough. But I take issue with that a little. I mean, maybe there are more gay people in Brooklyn, but it's Queens that's actually named after gay people.

Bad Advertising on NY1 - Barilla Plus

I had intended my semi-regular commentary on the bad advertising on NY1 to consist primarily of the poor quality, locally created gems, such as the Koeppel Auto spot starring Jackie Mason (which thankfully now seems to be out of rotation).

But let's turn our attention to a spot with a bigger budget, clearly created by a real advertising agency working on a real brand. It's an advertisement for Barilla Plus pasta.

An attractive blond woman arrives to visit her attractive blond sister in a Tuscan villa. The attractive blond sister's two children are playing with an absurdly attractive (and blindfolded) Italian local. The attractive blond sister says that the kids just love the absurdly attractive (and blindfolded) man, when the absurdly attractive (and blindfolded) man whips off his blindfold and shares an immediate connection with the attractive blond woman. Big smile. Big dimples.

Cut to the kitchen, where the attractive blond sister prepares a healthy meal with Barilla Plus pasta, which is somehow fortified with protein or flax seed or cod liver oil or some shit. The attractive blond woman says to her attractive blond sister, "You're such a good mom." The attractive blond sister says, "Like I need your fucking validation, bitch." Which is a surprising response in an ad that runs first thing in the morning.

No, of course that last part doesn't happen. But I wish it would.

Cut to the dinner table where the attractive blond woman, the attractive blond sister, two kids, and absurdly attractive (no longer blindfolded) man enjoy a delicious meal of Barilla Plus pasta. Attractive blond woman says, "It's perfect." The absurdly attractive (no longer blindfolded man) says, "Si. Perfecto."

And... scene.

But did I mention the music? I don't know for sure, but it sounds like one of those sappy operatic love numbers sung by that Italian singer who's largely famous for being a blind man who can carry a tune.

From what I gather, Barilla Plus pasta is positioning itself as the lover's pasta, the hot blonds in Italy pasta, or perhaps the pimp out your sister pasta. The father of those kids is totally absent from the ad, so maybe it's the pasta of single motherhood or the pasta of absent fathers.

Either way, it's a stupid fucking ad, and I'd love to know how this pitch meeting went down without someone getting laughed out of the room. Or without goons popping out of the center of the conference room table, gunning down the agency jackasses in a reenactment of the St. Valentine's Day massacre, with the two surviving agency members going into hiding as women in a traveling ladies jazz band.

[UPDATE, UPON ANOTHER VIEWING]
It appears there's a dad in that spot after all. He's just far in the background. So I guess he's more emotionally than physically absent.

Bad Advertising on NY1 - Koeppel Auto

We're a NY1 house in the morning. Local news. Weather reports every ten minutes. It's oddly compelling. When I first discovered NY1, oh so many years ago, I found it immediately comforting. New York TV's local ads are just as bad, if not worse, than local ads outside New York.

These ads are difficult to find online, so you'll just have to deal with a description.

Jackie Mason is a comedian popular with a certain subset of the New York population, or dare I call them, old Jews. I'm fairly certain that Jackie Mason's never actually made me laugh (but then I'm not old or Jewish), so he lives in my consciousness among "comedians who don't make me laugh." Dane Cook has lived at the top of that list for a couple of years.

Anyway, it's not so much that Jackie Mason's not funny to me that makes this such a terrible ad. It runs thusly:

Mr. Koeppel (from Koeppel Auto) approaches Jackie Mason, "wowed" that Jackie Mason's in his dealership. Koeppel offers an exchange: a car for two tickets to Jackie Mason's latest show. Jackie is at first thrilled, then offended, that someone would deem his show to be the same value as a car (I don't know if Koeppel sells new or used cars). Mr. Koeppel ups the offer with a pastrami sandwich and a pickle. They have a deal.

End of commercial. That's it.

No, I don't know what's in it for me, the potential customer. I don't understand the partnership. Mr. Koeppel comes off as less wowed or thrilled and more nervous and sweaty. Jackie Mason looks like he's got a half hour blocked out to do this shit, so let's get it over and done with.

And either Jackie Mason refused to do whatever the original script was, or Mr. Koeppel was so happy to have Jackie Mason agree to do an ad for him that he gave Jackie carte blanche. Probably even more likely is that Jackie Mason showed up, they improvised ten takes or so of slightly varying approaches, and then some editor was left to cobble together whatever made the most sense.

It's a bad ad. But at least it runs several times every morning.