Roger Clark Is Having a Heart Attack! On Live TV!

There's some sort of beach volleyball tournament happening in Coney Island this weekend, and Roger Clark of NY1 is covering the story. He's bumping, setting, and "spiking" with a couple of Olympic beach volleyballers (beach volleyball is an Olympic sport, but softball isn't anymore?), while giving his report.

He can't speak. He's out of breath. I'm seriously concerned for his health. Especially in this heat.

I hope NY1 sends an EMT along with Roger for his more physical reporting. Roger, be careful. The missus and I love you tremendously. Don't die on us, please.

Bad Advertising on NY1 - NY1

Any TV channel does its share of self-promotion. When I'm watching Major League Baseball's Game-of-the-Week on Fox, they do everything they can to convince me that I'm missing out on an amazing program called "Bones."

So naturally, NY1 promotes its other programs: Inside City Hall, On Stage, The Call, and more.

But NY1 also does a little something that I haven't seen on any other channel. NY1 does advertising about its advertising.

They're short little spots, man-on-the-street interviews with New Yorkers who like their bus ads. The bus ads are nothing but the blue NY1 logo on a yellow background with black type. They feature one of three headlines: Congestion Free; Alternate-Side Talking; or No Trans Fat.

Enthusiasm from the New Yorkers-on-the-street varies somewhat. A couple people say the right things (to appear on the ad), but seem genuinely confused. One person says, "I'm gonna look for the whole set!" which is really too bad.

Some might call advertising about advertising fresh or out-of-the-box thinking or "totally meta." I call it stupid and curiously narcissistic.

Which Borough is Gayest?

Happy Pride Week to my many LGBTQ readers! OK, are any of you actually lesbian, gay, bi, transgendered, or queer? Don't feel like you have to come out on B&E, dear readers, but know that this is a LGBTQ-friendly zone.

To honor Pride Week, NY1 is doing a series of gay features on gay subjects throughout the gay week. This morning, they did a little ditty (dare I say a musical number) on the lesbian enclave of Park Slope. I appreciate living in a city in which the local news channel doesn't fear the gay features.

Turns out, Brooklyn has officially become the gayest borough in New York City. In fact, Brooklyn is home to the fourth largest gay community in the United States, behind San Francisco, the bulk of Massachusetts, and Topeka, Kansas. (I totally just made that list up, in case you couldn't tell.)

Anyway, Brooklyn's the gay borough. But I take issue with that a little. I mean, maybe there are more gay people in Brooklyn, but it's Queens that's actually named after gay people.

Bad Advertising on NY1 - Barilla Plus

I had intended my semi-regular commentary on the bad advertising on NY1 to consist primarily of the poor quality, locally created gems, such as the Koeppel Auto spot starring Jackie Mason (which thankfully now seems to be out of rotation).

But let's turn our attention to a spot with a bigger budget, clearly created by a real advertising agency working on a real brand. It's an advertisement for Barilla Plus pasta.

An attractive blond woman arrives to visit her attractive blond sister in a Tuscan villa. The attractive blond sister's two children are playing with an absurdly attractive (and blindfolded) Italian local. The attractive blond sister says that the kids just love the absurdly attractive (and blindfolded) man, when the absurdly attractive (and blindfolded) man whips off his blindfold and shares an immediate connection with the attractive blond woman. Big smile. Big dimples.

Cut to the kitchen, where the attractive blond sister prepares a healthy meal with Barilla Plus pasta, which is somehow fortified with protein or flax seed or cod liver oil or some shit. The attractive blond woman says to her attractive blond sister, "You're such a good mom." The attractive blond sister says, "Like I need your fucking validation, bitch." Which is a surprising response in an ad that runs first thing in the morning.

No, of course that last part doesn't happen. But I wish it would.

Cut to the dinner table where the attractive blond woman, the attractive blond sister, two kids, and absurdly attractive (no longer blindfolded) man enjoy a delicious meal of Barilla Plus pasta. Attractive blond woman says, "It's perfect." The absurdly attractive (no longer blindfolded man) says, "Si. Perfecto."

And... scene.

But did I mention the music? I don't know for sure, but it sounds like one of those sappy operatic love numbers sung by that Italian singer who's largely famous for being a blind man who can carry a tune.

From what I gather, Barilla Plus pasta is positioning itself as the lover's pasta, the hot blonds in Italy pasta, or perhaps the pimp out your sister pasta. The father of those kids is totally absent from the ad, so maybe it's the pasta of single motherhood or the pasta of absent fathers.

Either way, it's a stupid fucking ad, and I'd love to know how this pitch meeting went down without someone getting laughed out of the room. Or without goons popping out of the center of the conference room table, gunning down the agency jackasses in a reenactment of the St. Valentine's Day massacre, with the two surviving agency members going into hiding as women in a traveling ladies jazz band.

[UPDATE, UPON ANOTHER VIEWING]
It appears there's a dad in that spot after all. He's just far in the background. So I guess he's more emotionally than physically absent.

Bad Advertising on NY1 - Koeppel Auto

We're a NY1 house in the morning. Local news. Weather reports every ten minutes. It's oddly compelling. When I first discovered NY1, oh so many years ago, I found it immediately comforting. New York TV's local ads are just as bad, if not worse, than local ads outside New York.

These ads are difficult to find online, so you'll just have to deal with a description.

Jackie Mason is a comedian popular with a certain subset of the New York population, or dare I call them, old Jews. I'm fairly certain that Jackie Mason's never actually made me laugh (but then I'm not old or Jewish), so he lives in my consciousness among "comedians who don't make me laugh." Dane Cook has lived at the top of that list for a couple of years.

Anyway, it's not so much that Jackie Mason's not funny to me that makes this such a terrible ad. It runs thusly:

Mr. Koeppel (from Koeppel Auto) approaches Jackie Mason, "wowed" that Jackie Mason's in his dealership. Koeppel offers an exchange: a car for two tickets to Jackie Mason's latest show. Jackie is at first thrilled, then offended, that someone would deem his show to be the same value as a car (I don't know if Koeppel sells new or used cars). Mr. Koeppel ups the offer with a pastrami sandwich and a pickle. They have a deal.

End of commercial. That's it.

No, I don't know what's in it for me, the potential customer. I don't understand the partnership. Mr. Koeppel comes off as less wowed or thrilled and more nervous and sweaty. Jackie Mason looks like he's got a half hour blocked out to do this shit, so let's get it over and done with.

And either Jackie Mason refused to do whatever the original script was, or Mr. Koeppel was so happy to have Jackie Mason agree to do an ad for him that he gave Jackie carte blanche. Probably even more likely is that Jackie Mason showed up, they improvised ten takes or so of slightly varying approaches, and then some editor was left to cobble together whatever made the most sense.

It's a bad ad. But at least it runs several times every morning.