Our Meat Comes From What?!

I'm a real fan of food. Like most progressive, professional, city-dwelling omnivores, I have a pretty good awareness of the food industrial complex, and I therefore attempt to avoid being a part of it, to varying degrees of success.

I've read Fast Food Nation and The Omnivore's Dilemma. I have not seen Food, Inc. but suspect I already know much of its content. I shop at farmers markets, prioritize local meats and veggies, and buy organically if local isn't an option.

All my rules tend to go right out the window when I go out to eat. I don't know where most restaurants source their foods. Although for Valentine's Day last night, the missus and I went to Marlow & Sons, a restaurant that sources its food locally, and our grass-fed sirloins were outstanding.

So yes, in general I believe in conscious eating. Which is why I was rather interested in this article. It's about a teacher at a school with a farm, who decided that it would be good to teach the children at the school about the food cycle by slaughtering one of the school's lambs. She got shit-canned. Which seems pretty fucking stupid to me.

The writer is clearly on the teacher's side. He has, in fact, taken his children to see the pig being butchered for their consumption. And he's been accused by Guardian readers of child abuse. Which also seems pretty fucking stupid to me. Jesus Christ, people. Meat is animals. Being removed from it makes it no less true.

I was sharing this article with a friend, and he sent me this link to Yorkshire Meats, where you "Eat Babe." It's brilliant. Choose a pig, adopt it, name it, visit it, and eat it. The whole process is transparent, and the pig gets a really happy life before it dies. And then you get a whole lot of pork. I seriously love this plan. And if I lived in a home with a freezer, I'd find the equivalent here in the US and do it.

This actually reminded me of what my family did for many years in Kansas. I was a kid and wasn't terribly curious about the whole process, but we split a cow every year with another family. A whole cow was slaughtered for two families. It was a lot of meat. Now, I don't know if the cow was treated kindly (maybe) or was fed grass (doubtful) or what, exactly. But I knew it was literally half a cow. And it lasted us a year.

This is how I want to eat meat now. I want to know that my cow or pig or chicken had a good life while it was alive, and then I want to eat that delicious cow or pig or chicken. I see no reason to separate ourselves from the process. Hell, if meat were more expensive, and if we were somehow more aware of how it's raised and killed, we'd probably eat a lot less of it. And that'd probably be a lot healthier for our nation of fat Americans with our overburdened healthcare system.

Kansas Is Wacky

The Kansas Legislature is debating a possible death penalty repeal. In recent years, Kansas has not been famous for its progressiveness, even though it's the historical birthplace of Progressivism.

My family moved to Kansas when I was nine years old. At the time, the Kansas governor was John Carlin, a Democrat (and Lutheran! my dad liked to point out), and he vetoed several death penalty bills that came across his desk. Mike Hayden, a Republican, followed him into office, saying he would sign a death penalty bill (at least that's how I remember it). But then the legislature got cold feet and didn't pass a bill.

The legislature finally passed a bill in 1994, under Democratic Governor Joan Finney. According to the Kansas Coalition Against the Death Penalty, Finney neither vetoed nor signed the bill. So that's weird. And it became law. No one has actually been put to death in Kansas, and seven people are currently on death row.

The New York Times recently reported that the American Law Institute had given up its death penalty work. That's the group that provided the original legal rationale the Supreme Court of the United States cited in its decision that allowed capital punishment again. That they've declared their project to be a failure seems like it must be a huge deal, that maybe it's an acknowledgment that sentiment against the death penalty is rising again. But hey, I'm no legal expert.

Naturally, the primary argument that states seem to be making against sentencing people to death row is that it costs too damned much, not that, say, state-sanctioned murder is immoral. Still, I suppose if high costs and tight budgets are what it takes...

But I don't have my finger on the pulse of Kansas politics at all anymore. Do any of my Kansas-dwelling readers (both of you) have any sense about how this debate will go? Could the death penalty in Kansas actually be overturned?

I'm telling you: Kansas is a totally wacky place.

Hope! From Kansas!

During a visit to Kansas two years ago, the town of Greensburg was completely destroyed by a "wedge" tornado. I was writing about how the governor at the time, Kathleen Sebelius, sent a strongly-worded letter to the Pentagon about getting some of those National Guard troops out of Iraq and back in our nation to help during an emergency such as that one.

Here we are now, two years later, and the New York Times tells us what's become of Greensburg, Kansas. And it's surprisingly optimistic.

The people of Greensburg are quite visionary, as it turns out. They're building a sustainable town. Business and civic leaders got together with residents and just went for it.

I rather wish the article went into more of the details about where all the money came from. How much is private funds? How much from insurance? How much is donated resources? How much is government money?

But Judas Priest, I have a lot of admiration for the Greensburgers. Two years ago, the town was razed, and there was real question about whether or not it would continue to be a town. But they're back, baby. They're back and better than ever.

Ah, the moxie of a small town. You go get 'em, Greensburg. I like it. You get the B&E seal of approval. Even if I don't know what that is exactly.

Tap That

Every time, President Obama selects someone to join his cabinet, the headlines announce that Obama's tapped that person. At some point, a young rapscallion in the newsroom should tell the editor-in-charge-of-headlines that there's an alternative meaning to "tap" that makes immature jackasses such as myself giggle.

Jackass 1: Obama totally tapped Sebelius.

Jackass 2: Dude, I wouldn't tap that.

Jackass 1: Are you kidding? I'd tap that. She's a total GILF.

Jackass 2: No way, man, but that Hilda Solis? I'd totally tap that. Hottest Labor Secretary ever. Total LSILF.

Heh, heh... Obama tapped the Governor of Kansas... Heh... Tapped...

Broke States

California is about to layoff 20,000 state employees, facing a $4 billion shortfall. Kansas is delaying mailing tax refund checks and may not be able to make payroll this week. My Kansas friends' Facebook statuses have been almost all something along the lines of "[name] hopes to receive a paycheck on Friday." My mom gets her pension from the state, too, so I hope she's not about to get hosed.

Meanwhile, in New York and countless other states (well, not countless, as there are only 47 others) governors and mayors are planning major cuts in government services because of an utter lack of cash.

I believe in paying taxes. I don't think government is the enemy, at least it's not supposed to be. The government is supposed to provide public services, and I believe that there is a fair way for the public to help pay for these services, which should be provided at no profit to the government. Maybe it's that my dad was a minister, but I very much have a "Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar" attitude toward taxes. Jesus said that, people. It's literally Gospel.

So this whole government-is-the-enemy-lower-taxes-at-all-costs attitude of the Republican Party (and - let's face it - many in the Democratic Party, too) drives me up a wall.

We're now seeing so-called pragmatic Republican governors such as Florida's Charlie Crist (an h short of Christ) and California's Arnold Schwarzeneggar (no letters short of anything) get behind Obama's stimulus package because they'll get some much-needed money on the local level. Apparently, most Senate and all House Republicans don't give a shit about their localities.

Taxes have been getting lowered, particularly for rich people and corporations, for decades. Um... I know I'm not an economist, but could it possibly be that the United States runs on deficits and cities and states are now totally broke because of this crazy anti-tax ideology that's taken over the policymakers at all levels of government?

Jesus hates you all.

Lessons from Kansas - Cuteness Always Wins

Long-time B&E readers already know how much I love a good hedgehog story. Well, here's another.

A sixth-grader in Lawrence, Kansas, really wanted a pet hedgehog. His mom said she'd love to give him one, if only it wasn't illegal. If it weren't for that damned threat of foot and mouth disease she'd totally get him one. Totally. Oh, man, that's really too bad. Shucks, son.

So the kid got the law changed and now has a pet hedgehog. His mother is wondering what the hell happened and how it all went so wrong.

But AWWWWWWWW, wookie the wittle hedgehog! WHO'S THE WOODGIE-COODGIE-BOODGIE?!

Actually, I think maybe the design for Baby Benjamin Button was based on this little hedgehog.

My Winter Vacation - Kansas!

Yes, B&E readers, it's vacation time. My mother has a wireless internet connection she's got absolutely no use for, but it's always there when the kids come for a visit.

It was a mere 22-hour drive from Queens to Topeka, but it was easy because we did it over 11 days, figuring that two hours a day would make the whole thing manageable. OK, so we did it in two days. I'm consistently impressed with our totally unimpressive car. One doesn't expect a free car more than a decade old with more than 140,000 miles on it to run quite so flawlessly, especially since we left both mornings of the drive in ice and drove through windchills well below zero degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, it looks like a total piece of shit, but our '96 Saturn was built to last. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the company. Way to go, General Motors.

My mom and step-family (does one really have a "step-family" when one is in his mid-thirties?) were sitting at the dining room table when we arrived, and a laptop was open to baldandeffective.com, a website some of you may have heard of. They told my mom to smell me because I'm a tourist here in Kansas. Fair enough. I stank. I'd just spent 22 hours in a car. Stand by your comments, Senator!

Yesterday, the step-bro asked if any Topeka-related posts were percolating. (People from Topeka who no longer live in Topeka enjoy mocking the old hometown.) Nothing really was yet, but I was still recovering from the drive. My sister let us play a little with her iPhone. She's got a restaurant finding application that lets you put in your location (and several other information fields). So when we put in Topeka and gave the iPhone a shake, Subway came up. "There's your post!" exclaimed the step-bro. Indeed.

My sister was also kind enough to bring her copy of Newsweek from right after the election, with the in-depth How He Did It coverage. I couldn't find a copy of it on newsstands when it came out. It's kind of great reliving the whole thing now, more than a month after the election, with hindsight letting me feel all relaxed. Political campaigns are completely fascinating.

It's good to be here. Very relaxing. So can we open presents now?

It's a Twister! It's a Twister!

As coincidence would have it, The Wizard of Oz was on the boob tube in our home last night. Actually, there's no coincidence in that last statement. The coincidence is that twenty years ago today, my high school was hit by a tornado, and that TBS is coincidentally playing The Wizard of Oz to unwittingly celebrate the anniversary.

A tornado hit the town of Topeka in 1966 and demolished much of downtown. The city installed citywide tornado alarms that are still tested every Monday at noon (unless there's a chance of tornado, in which case they cancel the test so no one gets confused).

By 1988, Topekans had gotten pretty relaxed again. Yes, we had our regular tornado drills at school, but mostly it was a chance to smoke or take advantage of a longer open lunch period.

On that day, between fifth and sixth hour, the sky was yellowish-green, a key indicator of tornado weather. I was walking with my scene partner, and we weren't remotely prepared to do our scene in class. I said, "Hey, maybe a tornado will hit, and we won't have to do it!"

About ten minutes into class, the power went out, the winds picked up severely, and a queen-sized mattress flew by the window, which isn't something you see every day. Then it was calm again, but the power stayed out.

A hall monitor came in, "That was a tornado; take your positions." We did. In this particular building, it meant lining up against the lockers.

No alarm ever went off (they were supposed to be on generator but weren't). We heard rumors of another tornado on the way, so we were all told to make our way to the library basement. When we got there, we were turned away: no room. So we went to the cafeteria basement: no room. By this point, the sun was out, and the danger clearly over. So I went to my car.

This particular tornado was a bouncer, and although it had skipped over my classroom, it demolished the front parking lot where, as fate would have it, all the teachers and poorer kids parked. Good times. There was minimal damage to the school - a few shattered windows and a couple of temporary trailer classrooms roofs were ripped off - and no injuries, miraculously.

Dude. That shit was 20 years ago. I'm fucking old.

Democratic Convention Watch 2008 - Kathleen Sebelius

The Kansas Governor is speaking. I don't know that much about her, although I try to pay a little bit of attention, since I grew up in the Sunflower State and all. I like what I know about her.

But her response to the State of the Union address earlier this year was totally lackluster.

Tonight she's a bit better, perhaps, but she still lacks energy or something. More appealing than the last time she appeared on national television, though. But I want more fire. I mean, she's actually attacking John McCain, but there's no real passion behind it. Hit him, and hit him hard, Kathleen!

In my high school class, the guy voted Most Dreamed About shot up his jeans with buckshot and started a trend. That's Kansas, baby!

Add some goddamned buckshot to this argument, and you're onto something! Fire away, Kansasette!

Yeah, she's OK, but she really could've kicked more ass. Kansans kick ass. Where's the ass-kick?

Or at least they shoot shit with buckshot. Next time, shoot 'em up, Sebelius!

Some 1st-Grade Teachers Shouldn't Pack Heat

Beginning this fall, teachers in one Texas school district can bring guns to school.

I was a student in the Texas public school system for three-and-a-half years, and I think I'd have trusted only one of my teachers to keep a gun in the classroom. She was my kindergarten teacher, and she was the one who fell off a horse and missed most of the school year.

If my first grade teacher had been carrying, no one in our class would have made it out of the year alive. Hell, my mom and dad kept me in speech therapy longer than necessary (I stwuggled with my R's a bit) just to give me wespite from the tywanny of my fuhst gwade classwoom.

My second grade teacher liked me particularly well, so I think I'd have survived if she was packing, but man, she had a nasty temper, and I could totally see her shooting up the classroom.

My third grade teacher was a sweet woman who, if memory allows me to project, was probably a pacifist. She'd end up shot by my first or second grade teacher.

It was after that my family moved to Kansas. I don't think I'd have trusted any of the teachers at the Lutheran school I attended to keep a gun in the classroom, especially not the one from Texas. And at the public high school? Let's face it: who doesn't want to shoot a bunch of moody teenagers?

I Always Liked That Rose of Sharon

Some of you have probably heard about these baby white tigers abandoned by their mother only to be adopted by a golden retriever. It's a very popular story in the world of Yahoo! News today.

Those of you who haven't yet read the article can do so here, but the short of it is that these baby white tigers were abandoned by their mother only to be adopted by a golden retriever. You could also read the first paragraph above for my initial summary, which will read a lot like the summary in this paragraph.

Anyway, I liked this story because it happened in Kansas. The dogs there are more accepting than dogs in the rest of the country.

Also, it sort of reminded me of Rose of Sharon (or "Rosasharn" as the Joads call her) in Grapes of Wrath. Except, of course, instead of a sick, old man suckling on the teat of a mother with a stillborn during the Great Depression, it's a few white tigers suckling on the teats of a golden retriever who'd just weened her puppies during right now.

I wonder why that scene didn't make it into the classic John Ford film adaptation of The Grapes of Wrath, starring Henry Fonda. I mean the sick, old guy and Rosh of Sharon, not the tigers and dog. After all, the tigers and dog scenario not only doesn't appear in the book, but it also didn't happen until right now.

Time to Break Out the Fear

This morning I was doing my regular trolling of the news over coffee when I caught this headline:

Chertoff: European terrorists trying to enter US

My immediate response was, "Of course Homeland Security Secretary Chertoff is saying that. There's an election coming up."

Then I was like, "Oh, come on, Baldy, it's too early in the morning for cynicism."

But there, buried deep into the story were the words that confirmed my suspicions:

Chertoff and other intelligence officials have delivered similar warnings before, and he offered no new information about specific threats or an imminent attack.

I'd like to add, "particularly during election cycles" to that sentence, set off by commas, between before and and. Remember how often Tom Ridge was spewing out warnings during the 2004 election? It was genius.

Later in the day, a friend, sensing my cynical frame of mind perhaps, passed along this local election website from my home state of Kansas (although not from my home town). It offered me a much-needed touch of idealism. And it's a cartoon, or perhaps a comic (for I've never been clear on the difference, although I'm sure Titivil could explain it), but not one that will bring out the (self-)righteous indignation of the recent New Yorker cover.

Even if you don't join the small throngs of people donating to his campaign, his comic/cartoon will make you happy. And who can't use a little happy from time to time?

My Adopted College Team

Because I went to... well, let's face it... a gay school, I've always been a Kansas University Jayhawks fan in college sports.

So a special shout-out this morning to KU, which took violent abolitionists, turned them into a fictional bird, and won the NCAA Tournament for the first time since 1988.

Seriously, it was a hell of a game. The Memphis Tigers were up by nine with two minutes left, and I started getting ready for bed. I only kept it on the TV because I'd accepted that Kansas was going to lose yet another NCAA Tournament Final, something they've done on numerous occasions in the past two decades.

Vote!

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday, B&E readers. Don't let your excitement over the Giants' Super Bowl victory and subsequent Super Tuesday ticker-tape parade cause you to forget to participate in our democracy.

I love voting, and if I've explained why before you'll have to forgive me.

Shortly after my eighteenth birthday, I went to vote in my first primary in Kansas. While I was there, one of our neighbors walked in: Mrs. Landon. She had no first name; she was merely Mrs. Landon, widow of Alf Landon, the biggest loser (to FDR in '36) in presidential history (and former Governor of Kansas, too, of course). Alf and Mrs. Landon had a daughter, one Nancy Kassebaum who was a moderately reasonable Republican Senator from Kansas from '78 until '96.

So anyway, Mrs. Landon walked in to vote, escorted by her daughter Nancy. It gave the whole experience a heft that I'll probably never forget. This woman was freakin' old, and nothing would keep her from the polls. And there was my Senator, too, not that I ever once voted for her.

But yes, I do love to vote.

And how about that Super Bowl? Man, was that a great game or what?

Lessons from Kansas - Soul Touching

Some of the heated rhetoric over the missing Kansas National Guardsmen and their equipment has cooled, and President Bush made a visit with Governor Sebelius to Greensburg, Kansas yesterday. And only five days after the tornado struck.

Hey, everyone! This tornado is not Katrina! Greensburg is not New Orleans! Those poor (mostly) white people are not poor (mostly) black people! FEMA really is doing a heckuva job! Of course, the complaints were never with FEMA in this case.

So what was President Bush's purpose with this visit? I pull a quote from our president directly from the New York Times:

My mission is to — today, though, is to lift people’s spirits as best as I possibly can and to hopefully touch somebody’s soul by representing our country, and to let people know that while there was a dark day in the past, there’s brighter days ahead.

Split infinitives, subject/verb disagreement... But I'll let the grammatical mess slide for now. Off-the-cuff dialogue is often a grammatical mess. Especially where our Commander-in-Chief is concerned.

But this idea of his touching my soul... I mean, yuck.

Mr. President, I respectfully demand that you keep your grubby paws off my soul. Bad touch. Bad touch.

Lessons from Kansas - Emergencies

I'm in Kansas to celebrate Ma's latest marriage (congratulations, Ma!), and have gotten my ass reminded about severe weather patterns. Greensburg was a town in Kansas last week, but a "wedge" tornado leveled it a couple days ago.

Greensburg is a couple hundred miles from my hometown of Topeka. In Topeka, the day my sister and I arrived, it was cloudy but mild, and we had a hell of a session in the batting cages at Sports Center. I'm still sore today.

Apparently, the week before we arrived was nothing but rain, and the ground was pretty much saturated. Beginning the day after we went to the batting cages, Topeka got itself 11 inches of rain in less than 48 hours. This has caused massive flash flooding throughout the city, and about 500 people have been evacuated. The worst flooding since the 50's apparently.

Governor Kathleen Sebelius has declared Kansas to be in a state of emergency. And unfortunately, her prediction to the Pentagon has come true.

Back in December, Governor Sebelius wrote a letter to our friend Donald Rumsfeld at the Pentagon. She was concerned that the National Guardsmen in Kansas were all being sent to Iraq. If Kansas experienced some kind of emergency, there would be a lack of personnel available to assist in recovery.

To make matters worse, the Pentagon seemed to be pilfering Kansas National Guard equipment for use in the Iraq War. Her list of equipment she requested to have returned included trucks, Hummers, machine gun mounts, tents, and even a complete latrine.

So now a town in Kansas has been leveled. And upon seeing the devastation, Governor Sebelius is all, "So now do you see my point, Pentagon?"

Or, rather, an actual quote:

We're missing about half of our trucks from the National Guard units. Clearly trucks to haul this debris away would be enormously helpful. We are missing flatbeds. We are missing humvees, which are used to get people to safety and security and to haul equipment around. We are missing a number of our well-trained National Guard personnel. The equipment that we continue to harp on that has been sent overseas when our troops are deployed and not restored at the same level could be enormously helpful.

Thanks, Governor. A lack of guardsmen was one of many problems after Katrina. But FEMA has gotten involved in Greensburg, although I haven't heard yet if anyone's doing a heckuva job.

But seriously, how many goddamn emergencies do we need before the National Guard (and their equipment!) will be returned to, say, guard the nation?

Considering with God to Consider Some More

Senator Sam Brownback, right-wing Republican from the great state of Kansas, made an announcement concerning a potential bid for the presidency. I do not, however, know what that announcement means exactly.

In his prepared statement, Sam said this: "I have decided, after much prayerful consideration, to consider a bid for the Republican nomination for the presidency."

So, then, the answer to his prayers was to continue to consider? Or is it that if the first consideration was prayerful, this next set of considerings will be done sans prayer? Are you seeking the Republican nomination? Or will you only consider the nomination if it's offered to you?

Dude, if these are his prepared statements, we have a lot of the crazy to look forward to. Happy 2008 election, everybody!

A Sporting Time in Kansas City

It is decidedly awkward to use the term "negro" in front of someone of the African-American persuasion.

I went to Kansas City this weekend. The missus had a music therapy conference, and I thought I'd use it as an excuse to see ma. And while there, I went to the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum.

As I hopped in a taxi, I noticed the cab driver was black. "I'd like to go to the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum, please" I mumbled awkwardly.

"EXCUSE ME??"

"The, uh, Baseball Museum?" I asked meekly.

He sort of stared at me in the rearview mirror.

"I think it's at 18th and Vine?" I said, as I rolled onto my back to show my submissiveness.

"Oh, OK," Black Cab Driver said, finally understanding where it was I wanted to go. My lack of assertiveness, I suspect, kept him from hearing me.

But seriously, you try saying, "negro," even in a totally innocent context, to the face of a black man, and you'll understand the anxiety. Black Cab Driver was perfectly nice, and we chatted the rest of the way to the museum.

And the museum is great. Don't go to Kansas City without seeing it.

That didn't end our sports excitement. Ma, ma's man, the missus, and I went to a fancy-pants steak place that happened to be in our hotel (the Hotel Phillips), and seated at a long table in the middle of everything was Larry Brown.

Larry Brown was, of course, the Knicks coach that got canned after last season, but I still think of him more as the last coach to lead Kansas University basketball to a national championship. Next to Larry was legendary North Carolina coach (and Kansas native) Dean Smith. Then there were a bunch of people I didn't recognize. Then at the end of the table were the longest legs I'd ever seen in my life. Even with his back to us, I immediately recognized him as Bill Russell. A couple seats from Bill was Oscar Robertson.

The following day, Dean, Bill, and Oscar were being inducted into the NCAA Basketball Hall of Fame, and Larry was introducing Dean. So they were eating some steaks to celebrate.

Bill Russell has the greatest high-pitched, joyful laugh you'll ever hear.

Abbreviated

The Mets win, and as exciting as it is that they've bounced back to force a game 7, I'm having a hard time handling the stress. I've become a heroin addict.

The New York Times ran an article yesterday I really wanted to comment upon. It was about how Dick Cheney feels the love when he travels to the midwest. The six-year-old who was obsessed with Dick Cheney ("I just like him! I really do!") was, naturally, from my hometown of Topeka, Kansas. There's a Lesson from Kansas there somewhere, but I don't have the time to figure it out. Seems like a scary fucking lesson, though.

Potential recent Dickheads might have included Mark "I'm gay! No, I'm a drunk! Wait, I was abused!" Foley; Bob "I Need the Salary to Pay My Legal Bills and Refuse to Resign" Ney; the Fox baseball commentator tag team of Thom Brennaman and Steve Lyons, who spent a minute making fun of a blind man sitting in the stands (Steve has also gotten canned for implying that Lou Piniella stole his wallet because he speaks Spanish, a racial slur I'm not even sure I get); Representative John Sweeney of New York, who may have gotten some travel paid for by Jack Abramoff (good luck with your re-election campaign, buddy); and Bill O'Reilly, who has apparently become addicted to his crazy pills, most recently claiming that a mother's life is never in danger due to complications during pregnancy. Dickheads all.

Dude, I gotta get ready for work!

Edward R. Olbermann

good night good luck
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

As someone without cable, I don't get the MSNBC network, and because of that, Keith Olbermann has remained in my peripheral awareness as a pundit and commentator. Some of you may have noticed my fascination with baseball, and Keith Olbermann used to be a sportscaster. So my association with Keith goes back to the time that Yankee second baseman, Chuck Knoblauch, suffering from a serious case of the yips, hit Keith's mother in the stands with his errant throw. Keith handled it like a true professional: "I'm going to step out of the booth for a moment. Chuck's throw just hit my mother."

Anyway, Titivil links to Keith's blog and has a well-voiced opinion on the man, and recently, Virgil linked to Keith's 9/11 comment, which Olbermann empassioned directly through the president's thick head.

So while I'm late to the Olbermann political commentary party, I'd like to add my own little link. This tirade, like most of Keith's ending pieces, runs about eight minutes, but it's got all the juice of a Grecian peach.

Some commentary on his commentary...

He calls Bush the worst president since James Buchanan. Keith skips right over Herbert Hoover and Warren G. Harding, two men widely regarded as truly terrible presidents, and goes right back to the man who was personally responsible for fucking up Kansas in the 1850s. Keith's decision to compare Bush to Buchanan pleases me greatly.

Hoover and Harding were inept and corrupt, perhaps, but Buchanan was inept, corrupt, and destructive on a massive scale. Granted, Buchanan's policies affected primarily only our own still-growing country, but he was enormously divisive, and appropriately enough, Karl Rove was Buchanan's Deputy Chief of Staff.

Anyway, it's about time that President Buchanan stops getting his free pass. Except for history geeks, no one knows the awesome power of Buchanan's terribleness. And while Keith didn't explain why the Bush Administration is the worst since Buchanan's, I'm a fan of getting Buchanan's name back in the popular consciousness.

In fact, I think maybe President James Buchanan is, posthumously of course, Dickhead of the Week. (Especially since I don't know how many more postings I'll get to this week.)

One minor complaint about Olbermann's commentary. He ends his tirade with Edward R. Murrow's iconic, "Good night, and good luck." He's great, that Keith, but he's not Edward R. Murrow, and he should consider getting his own tagline. If it's good and catchy, and if Keith can continue to stand up for all that is good and right in this country, then perhaps whatever his tagline is will become iconic in its own right.

One suggestion: "Chuck's throw just hit my mother."

Oh, Never Mind...

I was working on a "Lessons from Kansas" about the pro-Creationist Kansas School Board, and it was so completely uninspired, I got bored while writing it. Plus, there was no real lesson.

So rather than continue with that mind-numbingly dull post, I refer you to this article instead. The wackadoos have lost control of the school board.

Maybe the lesson is to stop electing wackadoos to any organization, committee, panel, or other governing body that has any say about what our children should learn.

See? Uninspired post. And this one's better than the other bullshit I was writing.

Fuck this. It's too hot.

WTFWJD?

religious US
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I admit I first heard the above question over at Virgil's site a few months ago (go to the bottom of the page), but it's a question I've been thinking about a bit the past week or so, and the liberal media seems to be feeding my curious nature by asking similar questions themselves.

As someone who grew up in a highly Christian and liberal household, I've always found the hate-mongering theology of the religious right to be misinformed, ill-conceived, and fucking twisted. Shame on them.

The knee-jerk reaction, and one I had as a kid, even, arguing with my mostly conservative Lutheran school classmates, was that Jesus was most certainly a Democrat. He helped the poor, accepted the outcasts, and kicked the moneylenders out of the Temple. So imagine my surprise, in 1984, when Reagan defeated Mondale in our classroom election 18-4 (19-4, if you include the teacher's vote). This was a concept I just couldn't get my head around.

So, naturally, even today, there's a part of me that believes it's time to Take Jesus Back. And the ever-reliable Nation magazine has a slew of recent articles stating essentially the same thing.

But, then, really... don't you want your spiritual leaders (and especially, say, your savior) to transcend politics? The NY Times was kind enough to include a recent Op-Ed piece, arguing this point, particularly where Jesus is concerned.

I'm too busy to answer all these questions for myself, much less for all of you. So go read some of the articles and tell me what to think. I'm putty in your hands.

You hear me, Russ? If you're reading this, I'm putty in your hands!

Lessons from Kansas - Chimeras

chimera
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some statehouses (South Dakota, Mississippi) waste their time making abortion illegal. But the Kansas Legislature got to the heart of the true pro-life issue, proposing a ban on cross-fertilization of human embryos.

No cloning, no embryonic stem-cell research, and no centaurs.

I read this article here [via HuffPo], and got terribly confused, as the story and prose both are all over the fucking place, and now that I know the measure was defeated, I can't even tell you which I think is bat-shit crazier: the measure or its defeat.

Personally, I'm afraid of living in a nation full of Mr. Tumnuses. Those horns and hooves are too Beelzebubish for my taste. But I'm glad that the Kansas House is getting the kids excited to study their Greek mythology again.

Lessons from Kansas - Brokeback President?

President Bush made a visit to Kansas State University in Manhattan (the Little Apple), and got this question. (You'll need to scroll down to the picture of Bush on CNN with the purple background.) Aaaawwwwkwaaarrrrd...

So the Lesson here, best I can tell: Don't suggest that the president's a queer. It makes him really uncomfortable. I, for one, think he was about a half-second from inviting the questioner to have sex with himself, but, you know, in the manner that Dick Cheney might have invited him.

Lessons from Kansas - Amputation

ksflag
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Apparently, if a part of yourself gets removed during a medical procedure, you're allowed to keep it for yourself. The first time I became aware of this was when Chad, a kid in my 2nd grade class, brought his tonsils for show-and-tell.

Alas, it doesn't stop there. Ezekiel Rubottom of Lawrence got his foot back after it was amputated a few weeks ago.

He keeps his foot in jar full of formaldehyde along with a porcelain horse and a can of beer. He's an artist, you see.

Lessons from Kansas - Nauseous for Teacher

kansasband
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Juvenile assault and battery charges have been brought against a 17-year-old Olathe high school student who vomited on his Spanish teacher. The teacher and principal claim that it was an intentional barfing, but the boy's father believes his son, who told him he was feeling really stressed out during finals.

Well, the kid's been expelled, and I'm sorry, but you don't expel a student for throwing up unless you're pretty damn sure it was a deliberate aggressive act.

Tip for the future, kid: If you want to ralph on your teacher and get away with it, you might want to pretend it was an accident and keep the giggling afterward to a minimum. At your next school, take some acting classes.

Lessons from Kansas - Crystal Meth

Crystal meth, methamphetamine, or crank. Whatever the name, this cheap, highly addictive drug has rocked the plains states (Kansas, in particular, it seems) over the past decade or so. The day I'm freebasing the stuff out of a broken light bulb, well, that would almost have to be rock bottom.

Seems there's another reason to kick the crank habit, or "crabit," as I like to call it. Meth Mouth. In a matter of a few months, teeth turn from hard and healthy pearly whites to the mushy overripe fruit usually reserved for Gallagher shows. Dentists in poor rural communities and prisons seem to be the most affected by Meth Mouth, as the prisoners and ruralites themselves are usually too strung out to notice.

So do your dentist a favor and, while you're at it, save your choppers. Kick the "crabit" today.

Lessons from Kansas - Twine

twine
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Kansas is home to the world's largest ball of twine, seen here with my mom (left) and her friend/boss.

I don't want to sound under-appreciative of this twiney feat of balled magnitude, but wouldn't you expect the world's largest ball of twine to be larger? I mean, really, anything that looks like it can fit in my New York apartment can't possibly be the world's largest. And if it is, I think there's someone out there who can do better.

Someone: Go make history.

Lessons from Kansas - Evolution

Darwin was wrong. Just ask the Kansas schoolboard. Oh, how far we've come since 1925.

Lessons from Kansas - Lutherans

standard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Lutherans really are everything Garrison Keillor implies in his "Lake Wobegon" stories - solid, musical, staid, repressed, happy-because-they're-supposed-to-be, and steadfast in their beliefs, no matter what darkness looms.

One belief is that fellow Lutherans are good people, primarily because they're Lutheran. Back at church one Christmas a few years ago, I was talking to a kid a few years behind me in school, and he told me he was going to be a lawyer. I made some off-handed lawyer joke, and he said in all earnestness, "No, no, it's OK, I'll be a Lutheran lawyer."

Some of you may recall Thomas Bird. He was a Lutheran pastor found guilty of hiring some dude to kill his wife. There was even a mini-series made about it - Murder Ordained. Dun-dun-DUNNNNN!

And yet Lutherans (mostly) maintain his innocence. My dad always did, having met him briefly once. A counselor I had at summer church camp even married the guy, meeting him after he began serving his life-sentence-without-parole.

Well, the BTK (that's "blind, torture, kill") serial killer tracked down in Wichita offers new challenges to the Lutheran blind spot. Yes, that's right. Mr. BTK was president of Christ Lutheran Church in Wichita.

He's expected to enter a plea once he goes to trial, but he thanks the congregation for their continued prayers and support.

There's nothing quite like the redemptive spirit of the Lutherans. Although I'm sure that the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod would be quick to point out that Mr. BTK is a part of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, i.e. the Liberal Lutherans. Some of those Lutherans even like the queers. The Missouri Synod won't tolerate the sodomites, but wife-killing Reverend Bird is innocent, and don't you forget it.

Lessons from Kansas - Email Filters

My friend Jeff here in Topeka informed me last night that if you're having a hard time getting through an email filter thanks to your off-color language, Pig Latin usually works. Just so you know. Deliberate misspellings work, too, but his way's much more uckingfay unfay.

Lessons from Kansas - Art

garden
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So Lucas, Kansas is a little hotbed of folk art. Who could've guessed in this tiny farming community there'd be interest enough for two major "outsider" art destinations? Granted, my mother and I were the only people on the guestbooks today, but still...

First, the Garden of Eden. It's been fairly well-documented over the years. You can read about it here, but let's just say it's one of the strangest and coolest places I've ever seen. Worth the three-hour drive from Topeka.

The surprise of the day was Grassroots Art Center, a museum full of work by untrained artists from Kansas.

Apparently, the Great Plains in this part of the world don't have much to offer other than big sky, long grass, and a shitload of inspiration to those open to it.

Lessons from Kansas - Historical Sites

kansas-big
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Lecompton was the capital of the pro-slave Kansas territory. While visiting its Constitution Hall, this old lady was telling us about its use over the years. She was a real talker. The bulk of the building was dedicated to the time leading up to Civil War, during which Kansas was admitted as a free state, but there was a small corner of the room dedicated to everything the Hall has served as since. There was some KKK stuff. The old lady told a story about how the KKK protected this woman from a Catholic priest ("I hope you're not Catholic"), who was somehow demanding that she sell off everything she owned and give it to the church. The KKK had a little talk with the priest and stopped that nonsense. "So the KKK protected the town from people that would do us wrong." Uh...

Kansas has a new marketing headline being used by the tourism board. "As big as you think." Last week Kansans voted to "protect marriage" from the gays, and as we were driving through Ottawa, Kansas, on the way to Osawatomie (as in "Osawatomie John Brown"), one house had put up a sign - Kansas: as bigoted as you think. Two enormous women with mullets were working on their lawn. I'm guessing they're "out."

From Topeka to Sunnyside

Yesterday, I was talking to these historians as part of my research, and when I told them I lived in Queens, they were like, "Oh, man, we had some amazing Indian food in Queens." Naturally, I'm thinking they were near Shea Stadium or the Noguchi Museum... What other reason is there for a couple of Topekans to come to Queens. My mom only comes there because I live there. And anyway, Queens is big.

They couldn't remember the name of the place. "India is definitely in the name." Then he described where they were. "It was on Queens Boulevard and we parked underneath the elevated train."

"Empire of India?"

"Yeah, that's it!"

"Dude, that's my Indian restaurant! I go there all the time!"

We were impressed by different parts of the story. Empire of India is pretty good, don't get me wrong, but it's no Jackson Diner or Haveli. But they kept going on and on about the food, and all I could think was that these two Topeka historians had been to Sunnyside. I love Sunnyside, but what the fuck were they doing there?

Trip to the Homestead

I arrived in Topeka this afternoon, and already my mom's car has broken down, I got cornered by an old lady whose daughter lived on Long Island (but moved because "and she's not prejudiced at all" she didn't like the Jews), and the mother of a high school friend announced to a room full of people at an official city function that her daughter had a crush on me for four years. Yes, it looks like this trip is going to be all I dreamed it could be.

lessons from kansas - tornados

wall clouds
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

people out east freak out when they hear the words "tornado watch." well, take it easy. don't worry until you get a "tornado warning," when there's been actual touch-down. or if the following conditions apply during a "watch": dark wall clouds like the ones seen here; deadly calm air; not hot or cold but both; and a yellowish-green hue from the sky, making the whole world look vaguely like pea soup. if you get all those things happening at once, I recommend taking cover - in a basement if possible. if you can't find a basement, sit in a closet or bathroom as far into the interior of your building as possible. good luck and godspeed.

a kansas trifecta

having grown up in the state, I always take notice when it's featured prominently in my now local paper, the new york times. this morning, there are three articles on the home page, in which kansas is featured prominently. the big headline is that the kansas d.a. is demanding the medical records of women (and girls) who've had abortions so that he can prosecute those who had theirs outside the confines of the law and those who may have had underage sex. in a second article, editorial writer paul krugman uses thomas franks' fine book "what's the matter with kansas?" to argue against complacency toward the right's attack on social security. if paul knew less about economics, he and I could be great friends. the third article presents lawrence, kansas, in the times' regular travel feature, "36 hours in." this liberal oasis in the otherwise rightward state is a great town, where a friend was once handed a pizza while on acid, where the argument that kansas is flat holds no water, and where, in my quest for independence, I always feared I'd get stuck.

lessons from kansas - jayhawker, part 1

jayhawk
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

there is no bird called a jayhawk. it's simply the a-political cutie kansas university created to hide the violent past of its mascot.

lessons from kansas - jayhawker, part 2

john brown
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

in fact, this is what a typical jayhawker looked like. jayhawkers were violent abolitionists who stood armed at the missouri border to keep the ruffians out. you know, in case you were wondering.