Who IS that German Woman?

This morning I had the ever-reliable NY1 News on the boob-tube while I got ready for work. At one point, I heard this sultry voice, like Marlene Dietrich in Blue Angel. So I went out to investigate. Turns out, Pope Benedict sounds a lot like Marlene Dietrich.

Now, it has been implied in the comments section of this here site that I hate the Pope because he prefers Yankee Stadium. Hell, I prefer Yankee Stadium, just not the team that plays there.

The truth is I have very little opinion of the new Pope. Pope John Paul II was the only Pope I knew until he passed away, and even though I disagreed with him about several issues, I thought he was an impressive man.

I'm not a Catholic, and this is a new Pope, and there could very well be all sorts of perfectly understandable reasons for my feelings here, but I just don't see people as connected with this Pope as the last. Maybe he just needs time. But he somehow lacks that certain something I got used to seeing with JP2.

A colleague of mine put it best, perhaps, when during our discussion, she quipped, "He's like a rebound Pope."

A Busy Birthday for Pope Benedict

Pope Benedict had an active birthday today on his first full day in the United States, meeting with President Bush, speaking his harshest words yet about the sex abuse among the priesthood (at least he's addressing it early and often!), and then decrying secularism in our country as one of the root causes of the scandal. Awesome. Yes, I think it's fair to say that he's off to a hell of a start here.

And the Supreme Court gave Pope Benny a special birthday gift. The Pope doesn't much care for the death penalty (life is sacred, after all), so the Court was kind enough to rule that lethal injection is totally fine. Let the executions continue!

Happy birthday, Pope!

CNN: Bringing God and Dog Together Through Poopie

A most generous bald fella, knowing my fascination and love of all things God- and weenie-dog-related, was kind enough to send me this most fantastic news report from CNN.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Leavings is my new favorite word.

Hey, God! It's Me! Jerry!

I can't think of anyone God would be less happy to see than Jerry Falwell.

Happy Easter!

As you tuck into your leg of lamb this evening, I hope you'll remember the true meaning of Easter.

For when the angel rolled the stone away, and Jesus presented his resurrected self to those still mourning his death, his first words were, "I've been to hell and back, so give me some freakin' chocolate." They did, and behold: it was good.

So gorge on chocolate, dear readers. It comes in many delicious forms, and any should be considered appropriate for Easter:

Chocolate kisses, chocolate nuggets, chocolate eggs, chocolate bunnies, high-end chocolate, low-end chocolate, domestic chocolate, imported chocolate, fair-trade chocolate, children-made chocolate, organic chocolate, conventional chocolate, liquid chocolate, solid chocolate, molten chocolate, powdered chocolate, bittersweet chocolate, semisweet chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, pure chocolate, peanut butter and chocolate, coconut and chocolate, fruit and chocolate, caramel and chocolate, peanuts and chocolate, hazelnuts and chocolate, almonds and chocolate, toffee and chocolate, nougat and chocolate, chocolate bars, chocolate cookies, chocolate brownies, chocolate cake, chocolate pie, chocolate creme brulee, chocolate wafers, chocolate chips, chocolate shavings, chocolate ribbons, chocolate drizzle, chocolate icing, chocolate ganache, chocolate-covered cherries, chocolate-covered blueberries, chocolate-covered espresso beans, chocolate-covered graham crackers, chocolate-covered cornflakes, chocolate-covered Cheerios, chocolate-dipped strawberries, and fudge.

It's Easter, and Jesus ate the chocolate, thus fulfilling Isaiah's prophecy. So if you don't eat some chocolate, you're being a bad Christian.

The Passion For The Blood

On my way to work the other day, I passed a bus that was still promoting the Christmas-appropriate movie, The Nativity Story. Naturally, this got me thinking about Christians.

Through letter-writing campaigns, right-wing media mouthpieces, and the like, Christians put a lot of pressure on liberal Hollywood to make more entertainments that are "family friendly" and "pro-Christian." One would think that The Nativity Story really fits the bill. It's a faithful presentation of the birth of Jesus. For those of you who may not know, it is Jesus Christ (or more simply, The Christ) that gives Christianity its name.

According to my extensive research (at boxofficemojo.com), The Nativity Story brought in a whopping $45,629,831. With its production budget of $35,000,000, one has to assume that New Line was hoping it would perform better than that.

Then there's Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. With its production budget of $30,000,000, it brought in a walloping $611,899,420. One has to assume that Newmarket was pleased enough to hand out some healthy bonuses at the end of 2004.

Families with children of all ages could enjoy The Nativity Story with its family-friendly PG rating. The Passion Of The Christ was handed an adults-oriented R rating.

The two movies portray two of the three most significant events of Christianity - Jesus' birth and death. Christians still need to wait for a new movie to show the resurrection of Jesus.

So what gives, Christians? Why so keen on the death of Jesus, and not so much on the birth?

Could it be the blood lust of the right-wing?

Naaaaah... Couldn't be.

No Longer Gay!

He may have been busted doing meth and getting massages from gay prostitutes, but after a stint in gay rehab (gayhab?), Ted Haggart is no longer gay.

No longer will Ted Haggart fantasize about freebasing crank out of broken light bulbs while getting rubdowns from nubile men.

No more will Ted Haggart think about meth-fueled men while having sex with his wife.

Never again will Ted Haggart be aroused at the thought of a sweaty, speed-induced tryst with a firm-buttocked hunk of the male persuasion.

That's right. Ted Haggart is a straight man. He's only interested in his wife.

And vast quantities of crystal meth.

Considering with God to Consider Some More

Senator Sam Brownback, right-wing Republican from the great state of Kansas, made an announcement concerning a potential bid for the presidency. I do not, however, know what that announcement means exactly.

In his prepared statement, Sam said this: "I have decided, after much prayerful consideration, to consider a bid for the Republican nomination for the presidency."

So, then, the answer to his prayers was to continue to consider? Or is it that if the first consideration was prayerful, this next set of considerings will be done sans prayer? Are you seeking the Republican nomination? Or will you only consider the nomination if it's offered to you?

Dude, if these are his prepared statements, we have a lot of the crazy to look forward to. Happy 2008 election, everybody!

The Joke's On Us

Mega-church pastor Ted Haggard has allegedly been paying a man to have sex with him monthly for almost three years. During the trysts, he's also apparently been snorting crank to heighten the experience.

So, you see, when "I Like My Men In A" Teddy Haggard preaches hate toward the queers, he's really just being satirical, exposing the hypocrisy and bigotry in others. Like Borat.

Oh, Never Mind...

I was working on a "Lessons from Kansas" about the pro-Creationist Kansas School Board, and it was so completely uninspired, I got bored while writing it. Plus, there was no real lesson.

So rather than continue with that mind-numbingly dull post, I refer you to this article instead. The wackadoos have lost control of the school board.

Maybe the lesson is to stop electing wackadoos to any organization, committee, panel, or other governing body that has any say about what our children should learn.

See? Uninspired post. And this one's better than the other bullshit I was writing.

Fuck this. It's too hot.

Let's Talk About God

I've never been a big fan of the Democratic Leadership Council, which came to prominence during Bill Clinton's reign as party leader. They're the group that's been pushing the Democratic Party to the right, in an attempt to woo moderate Republican voters.

Because of how full-on terrible the current administration is, Democrats look back on Bill Clinton's presidency with fondness. But thanks partially to the DLC, Clinton's two major accomplishments in office were welfare reform and the passage of NAFTA, both Republican agenda items. Yes, I liked Bill better than Dubya, but there's no need to herald him as a great representative of the people or anything.

And the DLC is turning the Democratic Party into Republican Party Lite. It's no wonder nobody understand what the Democratic Party stands for.

So now the DLC is pushing to get Democrats to talk about religion.

That's an idiotic blanket approach to winning elections. Does anyone remember how silly Howard Dean sounded when he started talking about his faith? Nice try, bub. John Kerry, too, sounded like a fucking moron when talking about his faith. Even if Howard and John have genuinely deep beliefs that come directly out of their religious faiths, their spirituality was clearly a private matter. As soon as they made their spirituality public, they seethed with disingenuousness and discomfort. George W. Bush has the most warped theological views on the planet, but his religion is something he's felt comfortable keeping on his sleeve for decades now. A non-church-going, semi-religious candidate is not going to be able to talk about his or her belief in God with any sincerity if it's all part of an election ploy.

If talking about one's own spirituality is something that comes naturally to the candidate, fine. Barack Obama does it with extreme ease, and there's nothing about his religious beliefs that come off as insincere. Same with Joe Lieberman, actually. I disagree with him a lot of the time, but the public expression of his faith is genuine.

But you can't just talk about God to win elections. It's superficial, and as stupid as the electorate is, they know bullshit when they see it.

And just because the DLC declares it, doesn't make it so. It's up for debate whether or not a sincere expression of religious views helps win elections. A progressive, religious Democrat is not going to win over the voters for whom religious belief is a non-negotiable issue. They're still going to vote for the hate-mongering, right-wing fanatics.

Because, you know, that's What Jesus Would Do.

Awesome Music in Praise of God!

grindint
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I want so badly for my local coffee joint to be good. And it's coming up just a bit short.

I've complained about the name before -- The Grind. It's a dumb name. Even dumber with the tagline, We Put the Bump and Grind in Your Coffee. You see, for an extra fifty cents, they'll put a "bump" (i.e. a shot of espresso) in your drink. Even if you like that idea, the name is dumb.

There were other red flags from the beginning. Before they opened, their sign read, "Expresso and Ambiance." Upon opening, I worried that they were trying to do too much too soon -- coffee, fondue, and some kind of pseudo fancy martini thing in the evenings.

While I've had bad luck with the sandwiches, it's hard to screw up a New York bagel. The service for anything other than coffee tends to be slow. New York establishments are particularly good at speedy service, so when you hit a slow one locally, man, you notice.

The vibe needs some work, too. The music is way too loud and crappy -- sometimes classic rock, but mostly Z-100, which is really about as bad as it comes here in NYC. There are a couple of big screen TV's. The first few times I was in there, they were playing classic comedies with the sound down -- "I Love Lucy," the Marx Brothers, the Three Stooges. Now it's all sports. I love my sports (particularly baseball and the World Cup -- oh, Zidane!), but ESPN makes the Grind feel like a bar.

Prime window seating is taken up by a row of computers, giving that section the feel of an internet cafe, complete with teenagers gaming. Meanwhile, there's no wireless for those of us in need of a change of location from our regular workplaces. (And, naturally, if I've forgotten my headphones, I'm not going to be getting any work done, anyway.)

I'm hopeful that they've finally gotten the temperature issues under control (a new AC unit!), but it's always a bit hot in there. I don't think they factored in the direct sunlight, the kitchen activity, and the plethora of hot plates keeping the coffee warm.

And speaking of hot plates, occasionally, you get a cup of coffee that's been sitting on the hot plate too long. I don't know why they didn't go for the vacuum-storage solution most coffee places have as standard these days. Between burning the coffee from the base and the oxygen going in the pour spout, you can, from time-to-time, get a cup of coffee that's a little assy.

Mostly, though, the coffee's good, and the space is comfortable. The staff and owners are nice. Because they're trying so hard, I'm having a hard time figuring out the best way to register my complaints without insulting anyone.

They've also done a little experimenting with live music. Mostly jazz in the evenings. Because they've been talking up the gross-sounding martinis, I don't have the inclination to check out the scene in the evenings.

This Friday, the Grind reaches to a new high: the Almighty. Several self-printed signs are up promoting a Christian rock band. "Awesome music in Praise of God!"

So how good will my coffee taste if it's been blessed by the zealots?

"We've put a big bump in your grind this morning -- the bump of Jesus Christ, who died on the cross at Golgotha, the place of the skull, so that you may enjoy your cup of joe with the peace that passeth understanding with the assurance of eternal life!"

Now that's a good fucking cup of coffee...

Worst Christians Ever

commandments
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Right-wingers love to put up the Ten Commandments anywhere that's public. I sometimes wonder how many of them have them up in their homes. Is that something you can get a warrant to find out?

Well, I'll grab any chance to highlight hypocrisy in these terrible Christians, and here are two lovely demonstrations:

On The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert was doing his regular feature, "Better Know a District," interviewing Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia's 8th District. Lynn co-sponsored a bill to put the Ten Commandments up in the House of Representatives. The two videos about Georgia's 8th show Colbert nailing the hypocrite. It's a good time.

For a Commandment-by-Commandment approach demonstrating the terribleness of these right-wing Christians, the ever-reliable Nation magazine shows how Supreme Christian Leader George W. Bush and his Christian Cohorts of the Right have broken every single one of the ten, while piously pronouncing and touting their acceptance of Jesus as their Personal Savior.

I'm doing a better job living by the rule of the Ten Commandments, and I'm a godless heathen, for crying out loud. Get with it, Christians. You're making Jesus cry.

That's the Best God Can Do?

jesus baseball
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Since baseball, religion, and politics are my favorite subjects, when the three collide in a media frenzy, well, my heart goes all a'flutter.

I first became aware of this silly little ditty in the venerable New York Times, discussing "faith nights" at ballparks. The article appeared during my blackout last week. Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of putting religion or politics into sports arenas or stadiums, as the mob mentality can get a bit on the fascist side of things. And I was pleased to see that Titivil had a thing or two to say on the subject. So I thought that would be the end of it.

At about the same time, USA Today ran this sucker about how the Colorado Rockies are on some kind of mission from God to have players of a certain "values system" on their roster.

In response, David Zirin of The Nation wrote this guy. Knowing Titivil's interest in baseball, religion, and politics, I shared Zirin's article with him, and we had ourselves a little email snarkfest at the Rockies' expense.

When the USA Today article came out, the Rockies were a game or two above .500. It shows pretty low expectations in one's lord and savior to be performing at such a solid level of mediocrity. Since the article appeared, they've dropped to two games below .500 and dwell in the basement of the National League West. But, following Jesus's example of being argumentative with umpires, manager Clint Hurdle got himself thrown from a game.

As Titivil so rightly said: Worst Christians ever.

666

Let me just briefly add my grrrs, rowrs, and bwoo-ha-haaas to the gazillions currently commenting on today: June 6, 2006, aka 6/6/6, aka the Anti-Christ's Day.

May you avoid the mark of Satan and crappy remakes of Damian movies getting released on this most fortuitous of hellish release dates.

In the words of the Pixies, "If the devil is six, then GOD IS SEVEN! GOD IS SEVEN! GOD IS SEVEN!"

Bible.com

So for that Dickhead Duke post, I admit that I did a Google search for "bible" in order to look up what it was exactly that Jesus said to Satan in the desert after being tempted for forty days and forty nights. I was fairly certain that the classic line was, "Get behind me, Satan." But then my memory questioned the phrasing, particularly in the King James Version, which uses stilted/classic English, and I began to wonder if it was, "Get behind thee, Satan," which, while not making any sense, really, suddenly sounded right to me. Turns out, though, that the phrasing is, "Get thee hence, Satan!" Since that's not nearly as famous a Jesus quote as "Get behind me, Satan," I went with my first hunch. I must've picked it up from Jesus of Nazareth, or Jesus Christ Superstar, or some other televised Jesus movie. Maybe Billy Graham's The Prodigal? Who knows?

Anyway, I ended up at Bible.com, which provides a nifty free service. Many, many translations of the Bible (which I learned in Miss Schaefer's grammar class at Topeka Lutheran School should always be capitalized when referring to "The Holy Book"), and they're all free.

Now I don't know for sure who runs this Bible.com site or what their politics are, although after a quick perusal l have a pretty good guess. But in addition to the free Bible service, there's a whole buttload of commercial activity happening, asking the all important question, "What Would Jesus Sell?"

I was always a big fan of Matthew: Chapter 21, Verses 12-13, in which Jesus clears the merchants and shopkeepers and money lenders right out of the Temple. To paraphrase Jesus:

My web host should be a site of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves!

So there, Bible-dot-com.

What Do You Really Want From Me?

I have one of those faces, and so people stop me to ask directions a lot. It happened again last night on the 7 train platform at Queensboro Plaza.

I try to shut off from the world when traveling. I'm not a big fan of strangers, and I don't like talking to them. Strangers are bad, nasty, evil people, as my mom used to tell me. So on planes, I listen to music. On trains, I write in a journal. On the subway, I read. And never -- never -- do I deviate. If I'm on a subway, I would never write in a journal. On a plane, I wouldn't dare read. And listen to music? On a train? Don't make me laugh. But I digress.

Last night I was reading my ever-trusty Nation magazine, when I was approached by one of these strangers I fear and loathe so much.

But I'm also unable to be rude to strangers, so if someone strikes up a conversation with me, I feel like I have to play along.

Right. So I'm in the middle of an article about how Latin America is getting all socialist, much to the chagrin of the Bush administration, when this Asian woman asks me, innocently enough, "Is the express train still running?"

"I don't know what time it is, but if it's not 10pm yet, you can still get an express."

"Good, it's not 10pm yet. What do you do?"

Shit, she wants a conversation.

"I'm a writer."

"Here's my card. If you want to buy an apartment, or if you have an apartment for sale, call me."

It takes her a long time to find her own card, while I try to figure out what my being a writer has to do with real estate. She's got a pocketful of other brokers' cards.

"Thanks."

"You must have a lot of wisdom if you're a writer."

"Well, I don't know about wisdom, but I do have a lot of thoughts."

"If those thoughts come from God, I'm sure there's a lot of wisdom."

"Gosh, I certainly hope so."

"If you have the love of God, you will be a successful writer."

"Gosh, I certainly hope that's true."

"If you have the love of God, it is already true. Express train!"

She got on the train, and I realized that this female stranger wanted three things from me in less than a minute: directions, real estate, and a conversion to Christ.

Stupid, demanding strangers.

Some Easter Shout-Outs

Easter
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Despite my traumatic Easter experience as a three-year-old, I tend to have decent enough feelings about the Easter holidays. Chocolate eggs and egg salad are both delicious, after all. And a few pieces of Easter news deserve some shout-outs:

First shout-out goes to president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo of the Phillippines. Inspired by the life-affirming message of Easter, she commuted every death sentence in her country.

Pope Benedict gets the second shout-out. His Easter message was one of peace, giving a gentle ribbing to our war-mongering president. And this guy was a former Nazi!

And finally, a special shout-out goes to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who conquered death, defeated Satan, and (perhaps most impressively) rolled the stone away from his tomb. He is risen!

(Come on, people. You're all supposed to reply, "He is risen indeed!" you godless heathens.)

WTFWJD?

religious US
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I admit I first heard the above question over at Virgil's site a few months ago (go to the bottom of the page), but it's a question I've been thinking about a bit the past week or so, and the liberal media seems to be feeding my curious nature by asking similar questions themselves.

As someone who grew up in a highly Christian and liberal household, I've always found the hate-mongering theology of the religious right to be misinformed, ill-conceived, and fucking twisted. Shame on them.

The knee-jerk reaction, and one I had as a kid, even, arguing with my mostly conservative Lutheran school classmates, was that Jesus was most certainly a Democrat. He helped the poor, accepted the outcasts, and kicked the moneylenders out of the Temple. So imagine my surprise, in 1984, when Reagan defeated Mondale in our classroom election 18-4 (19-4, if you include the teacher's vote). This was a concept I just couldn't get my head around.

So, naturally, even today, there's a part of me that believes it's time to Take Jesus Back. And the ever-reliable Nation magazine has a slew of recent articles stating essentially the same thing.

But, then, really... don't you want your spiritual leaders (and especially, say, your savior) to transcend politics? The NY Times was kind enough to include a recent Op-Ed piece, arguing this point, particularly where Jesus is concerned.

I'm too busy to answer all these questions for myself, much less for all of you. So go read some of the articles and tell me what to think. I'm putty in your hands.

You hear me, Russ? If you're reading this, I'm putty in your hands!

A Miracle or Two

JP2
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's been a few months since I last discussed JP's fast-track to sainthood, but I think I've done it twice.

I'm not sure of the complete set of requirements for sainthood, but I do know that you need to perform two miracles to be in the running.

Well, the AP is running a story entitled, "Did Pope Perform Miracle After His Death?" Apparently, a woman with Parkinson's was cured of the disease two months to the day after JP's death, and everyone in her village had been asked to pray to JP to cure her. Doctors have no medical explanation for her cure, and the Vatican is investigating whether or not this can, in fact, be considered a miracle.

I say it's not just one miracle. It's two miracles: 1) the cure; 2) the reach from beyond the grave.

Hey, Catholics, a modest proposal: canonize JP. "The Patron Saint of Badassedness."

God Knows a Lot

So god knows anything that wakes up the Democratic Party to fight this corrupt administration is good...

And god also knows that I'm no expert when it comes to the global shipping industry...

And god continues to know that when I state something that puts me even near the same page as Dubya my shit gets freaked out...

But...

Doesn't this whole Dubai-owned-company-running-US-ports issue reek of racism?

Meanwhile, ever since the Dick(head) Cheney hunting incident, we haven't heard a peep about lobbyist reform. Coincidence? I think Karl Rove told the VP to shoot that man in the face.

God knows it wouldn't have been the worst thing Boba Rove had ever done.

GOD'S WRATH WILL BE UPON YOU... maybe

sincerelypat
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Intelligent Design got itself a smack-down in Dover, PA when all eight school board supporters of ID got ousted in Tuesday's election. Talk about survival of the fittest!

Pat Robertson took the news quite well, and made a bold, bold prediction of God's upcoming punishment:

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city. And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he might not be there."

Come on, Pat. What's with the "ifs," "mights," and other disclaimers? God's either gonna go kick some Dover ass, or he's not. Don't be coy, Pat. Since you've got your direct line to the Lord above, tell us how it's gonna be.

Robertson did add, however, "Assassinate Hugo Chavez, and 9/11 happened because of the faggots."

The Priesthood Is No Place for Queers

vatican
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Proving once again (still) that they have absolutely no understanding of the pedophilia scandal that has rocked the priesthood in the past few years, the Vatican has decided to crack down on homo-priests.

Look, jackasses... If priests are gay, they'll want to hit on me, not my child. The two issues are totally separate from one another, and until you fucking figure that out, you'll not only suffer from a major shortage of priests, but you'll never get to the source of the abuse.

Don't Fuck With Baldy. Thus Saith the Lord.

GutenbergBible
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Thus implieth the Lord, actually, but still, when the Lord implieth something, the message readeth clear.

Some of you familiar with the Old Testament may recall the story of Elijah riding to heaven in a fiery chariot. For those of you who don't recall that story, suffice to say, Elijah rode to heaven in a fiery chariot.

There was one witness to this event: Elijah's protege, Elisha. In the mentor/protege relationship the only regular problem they had, particularly as Elijah got older, was confusion with the name. Neighbor Lou's kid, for example, would shout, "Elisha, come out to play!" and Elijah would bound out of his comfy chair, grab his first baseman's mitt, and come outside. Lou's kid, having nothing of it, would say, "No, not you, Elijah. Elisha. E-LIE-SHA." Elijah would throw his mitt to the ground and go off to sulk, while Elisha ran off to play with Lou's kid. But that's sort of out of the scope of my discussion today.

After Elijah rode to heaven in his fiery chariot, Elisha took over the bulk of the prophesizing duties. Elijah was a heavy-hitter in the world of prophecy, so Elisha was determined to work hard and prove his mettle. And God supported him however he could.

So when, on his inaugural prophesizing journey, Elisha found himself getting mocked by some bratty children for being bald... well, let's read. The following is taken from the Revised Standard Version of the Holy Bible (the preferred version of Topeka Lutheran School), 2 Kings 2: 23-25:

"[23] [Eli'sha] went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, 'Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!'

"[24] And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.

"[25] From there he went on to Mount Carmel, and thence he returned to Sama'ria."

Yes, you read that right. The Lord sent two she-bears to maul forty-two boys, and Elisha just went on with his business.

So next time you're considering mocking your fellow man (or woman) for a lack of hair follicles, think of Elisha. Nay, think of the children.

Here endeth the lesson.

Praise the Lord

She's going to make all the difference.

The Latest From Our Friend Pat

pat
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Having avoided reporters since he first said that the U.S. should assassinate Hugo Chavez, Pat "I Feel the Hatred of Christ" Robertson got on his so-called Christian network today to apologize.

Oh, wait. No, he didn't apologize. A proper Christian has no sense of humility, you see. So he put the blame on the media, saying that as usual he was misrepresented. You know, it's all part of that war against Christians that has led to the Christian domination of the government.

Sorry, Pat-with-the-androgynous-name. You did actually say, "Assassination," no matter how much you want to claim you didn't.

Let's see... Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness is Commandment Number Nine for most Protestants and Jews. For some reason, it's Commandment Number Eight for Catholics and the Lutherans (such as myself) who memorized Martin Luther's Small Catechism as part of our Confirmation. Either way, Pat, you've heard of the Ten Commandments. And as someone who supports putting said Commandments in as many public places as possible, you sure as hell should know that lying is a sin.

So go apologize to God, Pat. You're pissing Him/Her off.

Oh, and by the way, assassination/murder is a sin, too. So go apologize to God for wishing that on someone, too.

Are you, like, the worst Christian in the world?

An Assassination Endorsed by Jesus Himself

It's possible - just possible - that Pat Robertson should've been Dickhead of the Week. He did, after all, suggest we murder another country's leader.

Of course, then you have to get into the debate about who's a bigger Dickhead. I mean, this isn't all that far out of character for Pat, but there are a whole slew of folks in the Bush administration, including the Commander-in-Chief himself, who remain mum on the subject, when it should be a no-brainer to condemn such a thing.

Venezuela, by the way, is one of those countries about which there's little press coverage, unless it's to discuss the most recent U.S.-backed effort to get rid of their rightfully-elected president, Hugo Chavez. He's survived everything from a recall referendum to a coup attempt. Read more about Venezuela here, because really we should know why the right-wing in this country fears him so.

A Nun Protests

flyingnun
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

This week, Ron Howard is shooting his film version of Dan Brown's The DaVinci Code in a cathedral in eastern England. Sister Mary Michael (not pictured right) doesn't like it one bit.

To protest this work of fiction, the good sister staged a twelve-hour prayer vigil across from the cathedral. She fears that the town and cathedral will be punished for participating in this heresy.

Sister Mary Michael also happens to be a major fan of Tom Hanks, who stars in the film. So she sent him a potted plant with a note: "No hard feelings."

The carnivorous plant then bit Tom on the neck and vacuumed out all his blood, turning the two-time Oscar winner into a shriviled raisin of method acting.

At Least She Was a Consenting Adult

Isn't this, actually, an improvement in the Catholic Church's image, particular where the priests are concerned?

Anything You Can Do, God Can Do Better

godcasting
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Big news for God this week! In addition to his hatred for fags, soldiers, and America (see Dickhead of the Week), God gets support from many varied places:

- Godcasting is the most popular form of podcasting. Not just for Christians (but mostly), Godcasting includes Bible verses in Clingon and Buddhist meditations. Note: those long, uncomfortable silences on the air are intentional.

- Kansas gets its two cents worth of input again, allowing the critical argument against evolution to open the door for "intelligent design" to come into the public school classrooms.

- And the always sensible Jerry Falwell has called on all of us to vote Christian in 2008. In Jerry's oh-so-sensitive way, he once again invites the Jews to go have sex with themselves.

So God scores big this week. Still, as a pragmatic evolutionist, I'm siding with the snakehead fish. Bring it.

William Jennings Catholic

bryan
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

There's much to admire in Catholicism, and I don't say this just to get in the good graces of my father-in-law. After all, he doesn't know the first thing about baldandeffective, and I'm hoping to keep it that way.

The fundamentalist Christians take a hard-line right-wing approach to all things, with a "poor people can go fuck themselves" attitude, which seems not remotely Christ-like to me. The fundamentalists should be out curing lepers, not taking away their food stamps.

Catholics tend to be a little more empathetic toward the poor, and there's a consistency in beliefs that I can admire, even if I don't necessarily agree with everything.

While the Kansas school board debates the teaching of Intelligent Design (i.e. creationism) vs. evolution (i.e. Evil-ution), Cardinal Christoph Schonborn of Austria, a close friend and advisor to Pope Benny 16, is attempting to clear-up some of the assumptions people have about the Catholic Church's position on Darwin.

Apparently the Catholic faith is incompatible with neo-Darwinism. All you Catholic scientists? Time to choose.

It seems to me that the Catholic Church is Designing itself Intelligently after William Jennings Bryan, who in spite of his many admirable (and populist) positions, is now best known for his simple and foolish pro-creationist fight against Clarence Darrow in the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Only time will tell if the Catholics face the same fate. Only time. Will. Tell.

Incredible, Indeed

Sarah Vowell, the voice of Violet Parr in "The Incredibles," has an editorial in The New York Times today.

First of all, I'm pleased to see the Times get a woman to replace, at least occasionally and temporarily, Maureen Dowd, who's currently on leave. As I've stated before, there's an embarrassing dearth of women on the Op-Ed pages over there.

Secondly, Sarah Vowell's tone, usually heard in her sardonic stories on NPR, is rare for the hoity-toity Times, so that's nice.

Thirdly, her subject matter surprised me. She's shocked that Pat Robertson could stir admiration in her, and frankly, I'm right there with her. I've always put Pat on par with Jerry Falwell and Pat Buchanan, who are two of the biggest douchebags on the planet. But Pat Robertson says that he supports teaching proper condom use, along with abstinence, in the fight against AIDS in Africa. Until today, I considered this as unlikely as Bush nominating a gay loving abortionist to the Supreme Court.

So, today, I say, "Right on, Pat." Violet Incredible thinks you're incredible, and I couldn't agree more. Now just don't go fuck it up tomorrow by saying the homosexuals are bringing the wrath of God on, well, anywhere, simply because they, say, exist.

God and Gays

A special July 4th shout out goes to the Church of Christ, who has lived up to the example set by Christ himself by voting to support gay marriages.

This Jesus guy, you know, he hung with those the establishment, i.e. church leaders/Pharisees, considered undesirables. And while I would never want to offend my gay friends (or any gay people, for that matter) by comparing them to the whores, fishermen, and tax collectors whose company Jesus enjoyed, I'm sure Jesus would've liked the gays, too. What's not to like? Gay people are fabulous.

And come to think of it, Jesus was a bachelor himself, prone to committing incredibly flamboyant acts (or "miracles," if you prefer). I'm not implying anything, but I think you know what I'm not implying...

Atheist Camp

I happen to know from experience how amoral church camp can be. Does anyone know how atheist camp might compare?

Graham and Gays

bibleman
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I had hoped to do the extremism double feature here in New York yesterday, but a late night on Saturday, coupled with undesirable heat on Sunday, kept me from both the Gay Pride Parade and the final Billy Graham crusade.

Fortunately, with his purple tights and righteous battles, Bibleman satisfies both needs.

BIBLEMAN! Vanquish your evil foes! Strike at the heart of issues such as feminism and radicalism against Gossip Queen and Wacky Protester. Defeat the Streisandism of the Prince of Pride. Ensure there's no questioning authority (or faith) by crushing Shadow of Doubt. Sock Primordious Drool right in the wet mouth of evolutionary heathenism.

Bibleman! I love you! And there's only thirty-five seconds until the Second Coming! Hold me...

Future Leaders of America

Dude, I'm totally freaking out.

I Want To Be Left Behind

Armageddon_it
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Most of you know about the Left Behind franchise. For those of you who don't, a summary...

The Left Behind franchise is a series of books and movies that take place immediately after the rapture. The rapture, for you heathens that will be burning in hell, is the event near the End of Times when the faithful are instantaneously zapped up to heaven by the Gentle Hand of God. The unclean faithless, i.e. those "left behind," are then treated to vast quantities of war, chaos, and Anti-Christitude, usually portrayed to look something like the picture here.

A number of those Left Behind recognize their errant ways and become faithful after the rapture. While it's too late for them to get zapped up to heaven by the Gentle Hand of God, they battle the Forces of Satan on Earth, all while also turning as many faithless as possible into faithful. Ultimately, I think they save their own asses and weasel their way back into the good graces of the Lord Above.

Kirk Cameron stars in the movies. There have been at least two so far.

The Left Behind franchise is a gazillion dollar, self-perpetuating enterprise, read and/or seen by right-wing nuts and supported by a gaggle of religious leaders and communities.

But I think they've got the whole premise wrong. The most close-minded, hateful, and selfish people on this earth are the right-wing Christians. I mean, if the rapture happens, and suddenly we're Left Behind in a world without Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and all the other self-proclaimed faithful... Well, doesn't that sound like a utopian paradise?

Early Disappointment

benedict16
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger's first act as Pope was to name himself. The man can call his papacy whatever he wants, and he goes with Benedict. Only John is less original than Benedict (with XXIV so far), and Gregory is its equal in lack of originality (with XVI), in papal terms.

Ratzinger's a conservative and a traditionalist, so I'll grant that he wouldn't want to be MoonFrye or Tariq the First.

But there's a long list of perfectly good pre-used papal monikers to select from, and here are just a few that I think Cardinal Ratzinger should have considered over Benedict:

Sixtus would have been a great choice as there have already been five of them. Who wouldn't want to be Sixtus the Sixth?

If he'd wanted to suggest a return to innocence for the church, Innocent XIV might have been nice, if not terribly original.

Simply saying "Boniface" is fun, and there hasn't been one since 1404. He could've been Boniface X, which also would've been a nice shout-out to the Nation of Islam.

He could've been II for any of the following badass names: Hyginus, Formosus, Donus, Evaristus, Sisinnius, Hormisdas, Symmachus, Deusdedit, Eleutherius, Zosimus, or Telesphorus.

A nod to Charles Schultz might've been nice with Linus. Same for George Lucas with Lando.

Simplicius might not acknowledge the shades of gray in life, and Hilarus might strike the wrong chord, but Pius would indicate a strong moral leader, and Celestine would be a prophetic choice.

To reach out to the entertainment industry, he might've considered Callistus (Flockhart), Conon (O'Brien), or Christopher (Guest, Reeves, Walken). To embrace the gays, he might've tried Gaius, and if there's going to be an attempt to stop the decline of Catholicism in our cities, Urban would've been a strategic option.

So to those of you who are awaiting and/or expecting great things from Benedict XVI, if his first holy act is any indication, I wouldn't hold your breath.

Jewish Catholics?

Did the conclave just elect a Jew to be Pope? Well, if Cardinal Ratzenheimer thinks his new alias "Benedict XVI" is gonna fool anyone, he's got another thing coming.

Papal Scoring

The Cardinals are currently 0 for 2 in their search for new Pope. Although in their second vote, a devastating error was committed by conclave third baseman, Cardinal Law. Having already misjudged the all-important pop-up of sexual abuse in the U.S., Law made the mistake of pointing out the cushiness of his punishment, causing a number of his fellow Cardinals to punish him a step closer to infallibility with their votes. Mark that E5 in your scorebooks, and somehow in my head this analogy made a lot more sense than it does written out.

Ah, forget it. There's no new pope yet, OK?

His Career Batting Average May Be .324, But...

There seems to be a strengthening movement to skip the usual lag time and canonize Pope JP II immediately. My understanding of sainthood is that it essentially serves as the Catholicism Hall of Fame. JP could well be qualified (I don't know about his "miracles," but as a recovering Lutheran, that's not my place to judge), but the process is there for a reason. How embarrassing would it be for Catholics worldwide to canonize JP now, only to discover that he set many of his records while on illegal performance-enhancing supplements?

April 2009

smudgy
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

That's the date of the end of the world, according to the mother of the woman pictured here. Anyone who spawned such a face is most certainly reliable with regard to such matters.

Unfortunately, her prediction doesn't get more specific than "April," so we may still need to file our taxes.

The Last Word

The Papacy and Britain's Royal Family have a long-standing feud, beginning with the Catholic Church's refusal to allow Henry VIII to divorce and remarry. This left more than a few women beheaded, for which Catholicism has continually refused to accept any responsibility, and the King went ahead and started the church craze called Anglican. Well, our contemporary Royals get yet another papal spit-in-the-eye, a.k.a. the Holy Fuck You, with the scheduling of JP's funeral on the very same day as Prince Charles' marria