Dickhead of the Week - Wal-Mart

Can a corporation be a Dickhead? Why not? After all, it seems that corporations have all the rights of an individual. And they pay fewer taxes and get bigger government handouts. So yes, a corporation can be a Dickhead. This is especially true for Wal-Mart.

Talk about providing affordable products all you want, the fact remains that Wal-Mart causes more poverty than it assists through low prices. They decimate communities. They support sweatshop labor. They intimidate employees. And on and on.

Now they're telling their employees how to vote. The short of it is that Barack Obama co-sponsored a bill that would make it easier to form unions in general and that could affect places like Wal-Mart. (John McCain is against the bill.) Wal-Mart has been calling mandatory meetings to tell employees that supporting Democrats would support this bill, and then they do their typical "here's why unions are bad for you" talk.

From the original Wall Street Journal article (I found it via HuffPo, of course):

The Wal-Mart human-resources managers who run the meetings don't specifically tell attendees how to vote in November's election, but make it clear that voting for Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama would be tantamount to inviting unions in...

Sounds a little like they were telling their employees how to vote.

If any of those employees are hourly, Wal-Mart broke the law. And if you know anything about how Wal-Mart saves money by keeping the bulk of its employees off-salary and on-the-clock, chances are very good some of those employees are hourly.

So Wal-Mart's now insisting that they didn't tell anyone how to vote, but as one employee put it, "I'm not a stupid person. They were telling me how to vote."

But they're Wal-Mart. They'll get away with this. So the only way to get back at the colossal Dickhead is to vote Obama (or Nader) into the White House, get a 60-seat majority in the Senate (the bill already has enough backing in the House), and see the bill passed.

Just as an aside, I love that the story was broken by the Wall Street Journal. Crazy liberal media!

Please Allow For Some Narcissism

(Although, let's face it: blogging is in general an exercise in narcissism.)

It had been quite some time since I reviewed the stats around B&E, and my kind host friend (and occasional troubleshooter) was good enough to link me to a summary. I won't go on and on about this, but there were a few things I found curious.

What are people Googling when they find my humble website? Six of the top seven query results are related to tattoos, with some variation of "bad ass tattoos" taking the top three spots on the list. In fact, if you do a Google image search for "badass tattoos," it is a photo of the missus' tattoo on B&E that is the first search result. I can't say that I expected that. But it sure does please me.

Slightly more predictable is that some people are still finding B&E by searching for "Rex Tillerson" or "Rex Tillerson salary." I was happy to see "dachshunds" on the list and a bit disconcerted by seeing "huge dick" on there.

Perhaps the best news of all though is that a fair number of people found this humble site by searching for "bald lesbians." I'm proud to be a friendly place for the lesbian community, particularly the bald lesbian (or bald Lesbian) community.

And since I was just the other day accused of writing about lesbians (or Lesbians) every fourth or fifth post, I thought I would try not to disappoint that particular reader by ignoring the l/Lesbians this week.

Too Many Dickheads to Mention

Big shocker here. The oil companies are spending their record profits on stock buybacks, thereby limiting the total number of shares available to the public, which in turn inflates the price of the stock. That way, investors in the oil companies have a boatload of stock worth a shitload of money, and they reward the CEOs accordingly, bringing us once again back to my original Dickhead of the Week posting about Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson.

What they're not spending their windfall profits on (or at least not in any form that can make a difference) is exploration of alternative energy sources. Imagine if Exxon Mobil and ConocoPhillips took those bajillions and invested in solar or wind power.

And I don't pretend to know everything about business, but if our move to alternative energy is inevitable, wouldn't it behoove Exxon Mobile and ConocoPhillips to own the shit out of it?

In the meantime, Chuck Schumer has it right: the oil companies are screaming out for a windfall profit tax. Oh, and also in the meantime, they're all a bunch of fucking Dickheads.

Breaking News: My Head Is Up My Butt!

More than two years after its debut, my Dickhead of the Week posting about former ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson continues to get (and play!) the hits. But for once, anonymous has aimed his (or her!) observational sites not on my writings about Rex but on my brief aside regarding Halliburton's CEO David Lesar. Anonymous comments:

If "CEO of Halliburton ... profiting off the death and destruction of soldiers and civilians alike." is true, then all the construction workers over there making $10 to $30 and hour are doing the same thing. As well are the folks back home who work for companies that make products that are used by soldiers over there. If you took your head out of your butt you could see that.

You really told me, anonymous! Sing it anonymously from the rafters!

OK, so seriously, anonymous (if that is indeed your name). You're going to anonymously (i.e. cowardly) defend Halliburton? You don't see an enormous difference between working people doing a job and the executives who determine where their profits come from?

And you don't find it outrageous that Halliburton is paying "$10 to $30 and hour" (if we assume your information is more accurate than your word choice) for the truly dangerous work being done in a war zone, while the CEO sits in the safety of his office and builds his personal fortune on their backs and, yes, from the death and destruction of soldiers and civilians alike?

Ah, well. I guess my head is up my butt for not pretending that CEOs and working people are totally the same.

Lubing up the Economy and Screwing It

Yes, dear B&E readers, it remains a good time to be in the oil business.

Yesterday Shell announced that 2007 was its best year ever, with more than $27.6 billion in profits. CEO Jeroen van der Veer said in his understated (read: Dutch) way that these results were "satisfactory." Trade unionists in Britain called the amount "obscene," and suggested that perhaps they pay a windfall tax.

Not to be outdone, on Friday ExxonMobil said, "You don't know obscene," and announced the most profitable quarter and year of any U.S. company in the history of the entire world. That's $11.66 billion in one quarter, friends, and more than $40.6 billion for the year.

Proving the Bush administration theory that we all benefit when the free market is given free reign to make as much money as possible (and the people who profit most from these corporations are given generous tax breaks), payrolls are dropping and the economy is in a tailspin. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. That disproves the theory. My mistake.

And I'm sure that getting a windfall tax passed in a government owned by Big Oil (and Big Industry in general) will be no problem at all. None. Nothing will ever be easier. Especially if no one ever proposes the idea.

In related news, most of you are already aware of an old B&E posting of mine, which named former ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson Dickhead of the Week. Yes, it remains a popular destination for new readers, most of whom anonymously invite me to have sex with myself for misspelling Mobil or for being jealous or for being a prick.

I'd like to draw your attention, then, to a comment that arrived today, which I quote in its entirety:

I would like to say to Rex Tillerson and the people who are defending him what about the exxon-valdez oil spill? I am a wife of a fisherman and i think it is about time they quit being greedy pigs and pay what is owed us after reading there profit shares i want to puke BOYCOTT EXXON MOBILE
Randa

Well put, Randa, and I would like to thank you for reminding all B&E readers that ExxonMobil has still not paid a single penny of what they owe for the Exxon-Valdez oil spill. That spill was back in 1989. Unconscionable.

ExxonMobil: Redefining "Dickhead."

Dickhead(s) of the Week - Sportswriters

Don't know if you heard, but there was a small news item this week about steroids in baseball. If you blinked you may have missed it.

Right.

So baseball is full of cheaters, including one of the greatest of all time, Roger Clemens. Who the hell is surprised? I say it a lot, and I've written it a lot: ballplayers are assholes.

The Mitchell Report was careful to state that the performance enhancing drug issue was a "collective failure":

Everybody in baseball — commissioners, club officials, the players’ association, players — shares responsibility.

I know that technically owners fall into the category of "club officials," but as the people who benefited most from the home run derby years of Major League Baseball, I would've liked to see them get a special call-out.

And as usual, brilliant sportswriter David Zirin has addressed the free pass given to the owners with more knowledge and eloquence than I can provide with my complete lack of journalistic experience and time for investigating. I implore you, as usual, to read his fine work.

David touches on the topic I'm really gearing up to here: the media's role, and more specifically, sportswriters. Seriously, what a bunch of Dickheads (not you, of course, David Zirin).

I caught wind of this self-righteous piece of shit article yesterday, in which US sportswriters express their dismay at the widespread use of performance enhancers and the baseball player "freak show."

Fuck you, Dickheads. Are you not journalists? Who better to discover and expose a widespread problem in baseball than the people trained in investigation that have access to dugouts and clubhouses? Why didn't you ask why ballplayers were suddenly looking larger? Why didn't you find out why so many men went up four hat sizes? Where did those thirty-six-inch biceps come from? It's your job to find shit out and report on it. Where have you been?

Seriously, any Dickhead reporter full of self-righteous indignation, dismay, or shock should be fired for incompetence.

Dickhead of the [Inconsistent Time Period] - Mitch McConnell

For the past year, I've been writing fairly inconsistently here, at B&E, and what used to be everyone's favorite weekly feature, Dickhead of the Week, has hardly been a weekly feature. Hell, it's hardly been a monthly feature. In fact, in perusing the old weblog, I haven't named a Dickhead since April. The Dickhead of the Week on that April day was Biology. So the most recent actual Dickhead was Alberto Gonzales back in March.

So a Dickhead is overdue, and I hereby name Mitch McConnell DotW.

The Senate Minority Leader from Kentucky earmarked $25 million to a war contractor currently under investigation for widespread bribery. Not only did Bitchy Mitch add this money into the bill without it being requested from the Defense Department, but I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn that the defense contractor in question, BAE Systems, has donated more than $53,000 to Bitchy Mitch's reelection campaign.

A recent Nation article discussed the coalition of anti-Mitch forces coming together in Kentucky to beat the Senator in the upcoming election. As usual, the Nation paints a promising picture of the "Bluegrassroots" fighting the good fight, and it's worth reading, like most things in that fine publication.

Anyway, Bitchy Mitch is a corrupt, war-mongering, Bush-loving, special-interest embracing twerp. He is therefore B&E's Dickhead of the Week.

Dickhead of the Week - Biology

Biology is at it again.

As someone who's suffered from migraines my entire life, I don't mind telling you that this article terrifies the shit out of me.

Nutshell version: Migrainers are more likely to suffer heart attacks and strokes.

Because, you see, it's not enough to suffer excruciating pain, spastic vision, and nausea on a regular basis.

Fuck you, Biology. First you give me a C in high school. Now you kill me.

You, Biology, are this week's Dickhead.

Dickhead of the Week - Alberto Gonzales

It's been a while since I've named a Dickhead, but Alberto "Speedy" Gonzales is making up for lost time. Unfortunately, my time is lost, too, and I don't have nearly the time necessary to explain why he's a Dickhead. And anyway, unless you've been living without media for the past couple weeks, you already know.

But if you have truly no idea why Alberto Gonzales is a Dickhead this time, read an online newspaper - The Nation is clickable to your right. So is a little blog called Titivil, actually, and I've been rather enjoying his commentary (with links).

So yes, our Attorney General is a Dickhead. I never thought I'd long for the days of the previous A.G. Remember that guy? He lost an election against a dead guy, for crying out loud.

Official Shitbird - Bob Ney

That'll be 30 months, Bob.

The first of the Abramoff trials has come to an end, and former congressman Bob Ney will be the inaugural Shitbird. His decision to check into rehab didn't cut his sentence to nothing. In fact, the judge, in her infinite wisdom, gave Ney a tougher sentence than the justice department asked for.

What gives, DoJ? You're not famous for your leniency. Why be so nice to Shitbird Ney and request the minimum sentence?

Ney, for his part, hasn't stopped blaming his "demons of addiction" and implied that it was because of the drinking that he made such enormous mistakes.

Excuse me, Shitbird Ney. Back in college, I did some stupid shit while drunk. And all the drink did was allow me to know that I had an excuse for my stupid actions. So sell your "the drink made me do it" elsewhere. I'm not buying. I did stupid shit and I'm completely responsible for being stupid.

Thirty months in prison. Forever a shitbird.

Dickhead of the Week - Virgil Goode

goode
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I've been lax about both the posting and the handing out of DotW awards, so I'm doing a quickie.

I'm late to this party, but in fairness to myself, I knew about the story yesterday from a cursory glance at the New York Times, and then read more on Yahoo!. Titivil (link to the right) also added some lovely snark to the festivities.

Anyway, Congressman Virgil Goode from Virginia wrote a letter to constituents stoking their fear of Islam, immigrants, and even interior design. You see, newly elected Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison is the first Muslim elected to Congress. And Virgil Goode spoke (wrote) out against him, somehow linking his election to immigration (mrrr?).

I'm making this quick, but I strongly encourage you to do a search for the story at Yahoo! News, and read Titivil or Wonkette (who's got the letter in its entirety).

The worst part might be the prose of the letter itself. He clearly doesn't have a competent writer on staff. Or his writer is on vacation and he took a little stab at it himself. It's really all over the fucking place.

Hey, Virgil (and in this case I mean the Virgil formerly known as Ballpeen Hammer - link to the right)! This man gives Virgils a bad name. Parry!

In Dickhead-turned-Shitbird news, Tom DeLay now has a blog. TomDelay.com, of course. I haven't yet read his writing because when I go to the website, I can't scroll down past the enormity of his name across the top. Man, even his typeface is full of ego. I'm also tempted to add him to my list of bald links. I'd like to start a rumor that he wears a rug.

Considering with God to Consider Some More

Senator Sam Brownback, right-wing Republican from the great state of Kansas, made an announcement concerning a potential bid for the presidency. I do not, however, know what that announcement means exactly.

In his prepared statement, Sam said this: "I have decided, after much prayerful consideration, to consider a bid for the Republican nomination for the presidency."

So, then, the answer to his prayers was to continue to consider? Or is it that if the first consideration was prayerful, this next set of considerings will be done sans prayer? Are you seeking the Republican nomination? Or will you only consider the nomination if it's offered to you?

Dude, if these are his prepared statements, we have a lot of the crazy to look forward to. Happy 2008 election, everybody!

Months Later and Still Pissing People Off

I don't believe that admitting I'm wrong makes me less than a real man. It is many other things that make me less than a real man.

To summarize a continuing saga, I'm still receiving occasional comments to my April post naming CEO Rex Tillerson of Exxon Dickhead of the Week. Yesterday's post by anonymous (which I had no idea was such a common name!) reads like this:

Talk about a dickhead... you don't even know how to spell the name of the company!

Well, anonymous, if that is indeed your name, you're right. I did misspell the name of the company. Apparently, it's ExxonMobil, not Exxon Mobile.

But in fairness to myself, I'm not sure that misspelling the world's most profitable corporation's name makes me a dickhead (even a lowercase dickhead). There are many other things that make me a dickhead (even an uppercase Dickhead), perhaps, but poor spelling is not one of them.

If anything, I'm guilty of being able to tune out the ExxonMobil corporate branding efforts. At worst, this makes me clueless, autistic, or even retarded. At best, I am an unsusceptible consuming American. And we are a rare breed indeed.

Dickhead(s) of the Week - Follow-up

layskilling
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Remember Enron? It went under thanks to the greed of its leaders. Remember one leader named Kenneth Lay? He died. Remember the other leader named Jeffrey Skilling? Today he was sentenced to 24 years in prison for executing massive fraud on investors and employees.

Only Bernard Ebbers has received a longer sentence for corporate fraud than Skilling. Bernie wins, 25 years to 24. The highly-competitive Skilling must be burning up about that. On the other hand, Skilling has a better chance of surviving his prison sentence than Ebbers. Ebbers is probably burning up about that.

It's possible that you might hear pundits, commentators, colleagues, and jackasses stating that 24 years is too harsh a sentence for corporate fraud, "it's not like he killed someone," etc. Those pundits, commentators, colleagues, and jackasses will be wrong. The sentence is, in fact, lenient, when you think of all the people hosed by this Dickhead's massive fraud.

Dickhead becomes Shitbird... Ah, the cycle of life...

Dickhead of the Week - MTA Management

MTA
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I gotta go to work shortly, so I simply offer this link from The New York Times as evidence of MTA management's Dickheadedness.

Fuck you, Metropolitan Transit Authority. Seriously. Fuck you.

Add a Shitbird to the List

ney
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I could be wrong, but I don't think Representative Bob Ney has won the Dickhead of the Week award here at B&E. Terrible oversight on my part, dear readers, and for that I apologize. Especially since Bob Ney will be going to prison.

The New York Times is reporting that Bob "Shot In The" Ney will be the first elected official to plead guilty to crimes stemming from the Jack Abramoff investigation. Ney was one of the golfers on that infamous Scotland trip, and he is not running for re-election this fall due to stress related to the Abramoff "ordeal."

Meanwhile, Ney has checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation program. You see, he's not rotten to the core. No, no. His corruption goes only as far as his disease.

My favorite tidbit from the investigation that continues is that in financial disclosure statements he claimed to have won $34,000 at a private London casino. Coincidentally, Ney had about $34,000 in outstanding credit card debt. A lucky day, indeed!

And now I'll get petty, because it's fun to do that. I'm looking at this photo of Ney, and I can't help but feel the man wears a rug. Either that, or he's got some fucked up hair. Either way, I hope it's removed for his mug shot, which will inevitably appear on The Smoking Gun.

Dickhead of the Week - Immigration Edition

tancredo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

We have two Dickheads this week, but it's Representative Tom Tancredo who gets the photo. It is truly amazing the photos you can find from politicians' own websites. Well done, Tom.

Even better done, though, was Tom's participation as guest-of-honor for a white supremacist event in South Carolina. The US Representative has an understandable ship-'em-all-out attitude toward immigrants, as his home state of Colorado borders, uh, Wyoming. Oh, and New Mexico, which is, after all, just a new Mexico.

Anyway, hoping to mobilize the coveted hate-vote, Tom went before the secession group to test the waters of his potential 2008 presidential run. Naturally, because they were a secession group, he preached a message of unity. Mmmr?

This week's co-hate-mongering Dickhead is Morgan Wilkins, a campus organizer who planned fun activities at the University of Michigan, such as Catch an Illegal Immigrant!

Ms. Wilkins also set up firing ranges with cutouts of prominent Democrats and invited students to shoot them with BB's and paint pellets. Admittedly this sounds like a good time, but that doesn't mean it's not offensive and dangerous.

(Full disclosure: I enjoy shooting BB guns. While in Vermont, I tagged a fez-wearing rubber monkey through the window of a tiny plastic stagecoach, without hitting the stagecoach. Yes, it was a good shot.)

Naturally, the Democratic National Committee Chairman, Howard Dean, wrote a strongly-worded letter to his Republican National Committee counterpart, Ken Mehlman. Republicans are running from Morgan's organizing efforts saying that she's unaffiliated with the party and an independent contractor hired to recruit college-aged GOP members. Uh...

Both of these stories came to my attention via The Huffington Post, which also offered this non-Dickheaded gem from Everyone's Favorite Jowls, Dennis Hastert. Poor singing voices can be forgiven, but he should at least know the words.

Dickhead of the Week - Ladies Edition

katherine harris
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A few months ago, Condi Rice was the first woman to win B&E's exclusive Dickhead of the Week Award. She has remained the only female recipient. I would therefore like to present a few standout female Dickheads from the past week. None are runaway winners, although that Katherine Harris has had it coming for a long time, so she gets pictured.

Katherine Harris
We all know that Katherine Harris stole the 2000 election. The Dickheadedness did not, however, stop there. She is now running the most spectacularly awful Senate campaign in history. She has more staff turnover than a temp agency. It's been a fun spectator sport, watching her campaign implode. This week, she said that separation of Church and State is a lie and that God chooses our rulers. The whole article makes for a pretty good read. Perhaps it's unfair to give her a Dickhead honor. It's probably more accurate to give her the Bat-Shit Crazy Tammy Faye Look-Alike Award.

But I'm a big fan of the photo (taken from her own campaign website's photo gallery). Her arm's around the child, and yet she can barely stand to touch her. Bask in the glow of Katherine Harris's warmth, dear B&E readers.

Elizabeth Dole
Often considered one of the not-so-bad Republicans, Liddy now heads up the Senate Republican Campaign Committee. So when Conrad "My Best Friend is Jack Abramoff" Burns said that he checked the immigration papers of his gardener, "a nice little Guatemalan man," Liddy came to Conrad's defense. No, he was not being condescending. The Guatemalan man is, in fact, short in stature. That Guatemalans are short is a stereotype Conrad had no intention of perpetuating. That's why he immediately turned around and ordered a "tall Guatemalan" from the nearest Starbuck's. (OK, I made that part up.)

Anyway, Liddy called it "a silly thing" because, as we all know, racial stereotyping is totally silly. As silly as the chicken dance at minor league baseball games.

Jean Schmidt
I recommend keeping an eye on Jean Schmidt. She first came onto my radar while running against Paul Hackett in Ohio in a special election for the House of Representatives last year. It was closer than it should've been in the Republican district, but she beat him. Her first order of business in the House was to call Vietnam Veteran Jack Murtha a coward, shortly after he recommended troop withdrawal from Iraq. Now it looks like she might be lying about her athletic exploits. Can she really run a marathon in less than three-and-a-half hours? Who knows? But if the photo is truly doctored, it will be one of the most awesomely stupid lies ever concocted to get elected.

Vote for me! I run fast!

Yes, it's true. Even the dickless can be Dickheads.

Dickhead of the Week - Mel Gibson

Braveheart
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

By now you've probably heard that Mel Gibson got himself in a bit of a legal pickle this weekend for driving while pickled and then accusing the arresting officer of being a pickle-eater. Yes, Mel apparently went on quite the little anti-Semitic tirade, which began when he asked if his arresting officer was a Jew.

In no reports have I read anything about whether or not the arresting office was, in fact, Jewish. Gosh, media, it's almost like it doesn't matter.

Mel's been hovering near Dickhead status for some time. Let's say, just for argument sake, that The Passion of the Christ neither villifies the Jews nor plays up Jewish stereotypes. What kind of a Catholic makes a movie about the life of Jesus without any kind of focus on the resurrection? Bad Christian! The suffering and death are only a part of what makes Jesus the savior, Mel. The important bit is actually when Jesus defeats death and comes back with his message of hope for all sinners who no longer have to worry about falling short of the glory of God.

You know, if you believe that sort of thing.

Anyway, Mel is also one of the wackadoos against stem cell research, and I remember a girlfriend in college telling me that he beat his wife. I have no way of knowing if that's true. After all, that girlfriend was craaaaaazy. She's now a lesbian, although that's not what makes her crazy. And of course the lesbians I know now tell me that my ex-girlfriend has always been a lesbian, which, actually, would make a great deal of sense. But my lesbian ex-girlfriend is neither here nor there. Although, appropriately enough, my lesbian ex-girlfriend also happens to be my Jewish lesbian ex-girlfriend.

Right. So back to Mel...

The alcohol in Mel's system unleashed the anti-Semitic beast within. He's apologized (without saying what he's apologizing for, specifically -- hey, it worked for Jason Giambi), claiming that he said dispicable things he doesn't believe to be true. Wow, it must be bad.

And in a move to reassure his fans, Mel said that in his struggle against alcoholism he is taking steps to ensure his return to health.

Think he's got a Jewish doctor?

Dickhead of the Week - Follow-Up - Rex Tillerson

tillerson
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Back in early April, Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson was granted the Dickhead of the Week honor here at B&E. He was at the top of a list of overpaid CEO's, and considering the gas prices, I thought he'd earned the honor. The weekly award, I thought, went well with his outrageous salary, which some sources had quoted to be as high as $13,700 an hour.

Most of my postings here at B&E receive a comment some time in the first few days it's up on the site, if they get a comment at all. Then the postings are forgotten. By me, too, usually. The Rex post, however, has garnered a few comments months later, including one today. The reason for this, I discovered (and think wrote about a couple of months ago), is that if you google (now lowercase according to Webster's) Rex, my B&E post is near the top of the second page of search results. Not bad.

Right, so back to today's comment. It's from anonymous (if that is indeed her name). I've pasted it here for your enjoyment...

His old position is still open - apply for it. Then put a price on moving every 18 months on your family and after moving them to a place they have no family or friends - leave to travel as it job required. He and his family have earned every damn penny of what he gets paid. Yes, I am close to them and if you want to take pot shots - come on we TEXAS gals know how to shoot back! We don't miss either!

The pot shot remark, I think, refers to another one of those several-months-after-the-fact comments I received, also from anonymous (if that is indeed his or her name) who recommended that Rex wear a bullet-proof vest to protect him from pot shots.

Violence is not condoned here at B&E, even for Dickheads.

In figuring out how to respond to today's anonymous, I consulted with a couple of friends. Reactions have ranged from "Just post her comment," to "Ask if she thinks all overpaid CEOs deserve their bags of gold, or just the ones she knows personally."

Heh. Nice one, Virgil.

What hurts me most about anonymous's post, though, is not that it's anonymous (although that hardly seems fair, since it doesn't take much work to find my name on B&E), or that she's a member of the entitled and idle rich, or even that she's from Texas (I lived in Texas as a kid, so I have the right to bad-mouth that shitty place).

No, what hurts me most is that she didn't take the time to clean up her comment. Grammatically it's a mess. She mistyped a couple of words. There are parts that need clarification.

Our anonymous friend of the Tillersons has done a remarkably poor job of defending a family that clearly suffers so much. The Tillersons should be very disappointed in you, anonymous. You leave them with no choice but to find comfort in their bank accounts.

Dickhead of the Week - The Rainout

rainout
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I don't get to play in that many baseball games each summer. So when I'm up in Vermont and there's a game scheduled, I really want to play. When that scheduled game gets rained out, I'm disappointed.

But today the Rainout went too far. This game was likely to be my last of the season. I had high hopes for redemption. My 0-for-6 weekend a few weeks back dropped my batting average more than two hundred points. For the first time in a long time (perhaps dating back to the early 80s), I'm batting under .200. Because I play in so few games, that 0-for-6 weekend killed my average.

A good game today could've turned everything around. And I was feeling confident. My back had loosened up. For me, it's all about being relaxed but alert, and I woke up this morning ready to go.

But the Rainout has made this impossible. I will now end the season batting .182. My on-base percentage is .250, thanks to a walk and reaching on a couple of errors. But still... .182.

The Rainout has left a horrible taste in my mouth. A taste that could linger for months. A taste that only time, many trips to the batting cage, and a Mets World Series victory can eliminate.

Rainout, your puddles have dampened my spirits. Your mud has slogged into my soul. The socks of my psyche are wet and cold.

Rainout, you are a Dickhead.

Dickhead of the Week - Follow-Up - Ralph Reed

smarmy reed
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Longtime Dickhead Ralph Reed has lost his bid to become Georgia's Lieutenant Governor.

He may claim that's the Holy Spirit shining brightly through the pearly gates of his mouth, but in actuality, that is the final remnant of his soul escaping its vehicle.

Yes, he was on that notorious golf trip arranged by Jack Abramoff. He received money from the gambling lobby via Jack Abramoff. But even without Jack Abramoff, he's a Dickhead. Ralph is widely credited (with much denial on his part) with encouraging the rumors that Senator John McCain had an illegitimate black baby in order to help Bush win the South Carolina primary back in 2000.

Turns out that his fellow Christians have seen him for the hypocrite he is.

At least a small majority has. Ralph "Only the Bible Do I" Reed received 46% of the primary vote, which of course begs the question, "What the hell are they smoking in Georgia?"

Dickhead of the Week - Steve King

steve king
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Steve King is among the many extremists who want to build a wall along the Mexican border. This makes him a Dickhead, sure, but Dickhead of the Week? What separates the good representative from Iowa's 5th District from other proponents of fence-building?

Well, Stevie wants to build an electric fence, because "we do this with livestock all the time."

Yes, that comment makes Stevie "I Heart Sheep" King Dickhead of the Week. Oh, and I'm sure that's not what he meant.

Runner up, by the way, is Pete Coors, who was arrested on a DUI charge. He's another right-wing Dickhead, who ran for Senate two years ago (and lost, thankfully), and whose company is doing a stellar job of fucking up Colorado's environment. On the other hand, his name is on a really nice stadium in Denver, home of the Colorado Rockies. Lay off the Coors before driving home, Coors.

Is a Dead Dickhead Still a Dickhead?

lay
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Proving that the wealthy and connected will consistently get out of doing any jail time for gross wrong-doings, Ken Lay, founder and destroyer of Enron (as well as the countless employees who trusted him), has died of an apparent heart attack, months before his sentencing.

This raises all sorts of ethical questions for me, as a big fan of Lay-bashing. I mean, the man's dead. So there's a certain amount of hypocritical respect to be paid, no?

Obviously, the biggest question of all: Can I consider Ken Lay a Shitbird, even if he never actually spent any time in jail?

Dickhead of the Week - Peter King

peter king
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

There's a Dickhead in these here parts! His name is Congressman Peter "Pistol Pete" King of New York's 3rd District on Long Island. Queens and Brooklyn share an island with the one called Long, and this Dickhead makes me want to swim back to Manhattan. And swimming in the East River... well, that's just gross.

Anyway, Pistol Pete is the New York face to the attack on The New York Times, which had the audacity to do its job this week. The Times reported that the US is looking into international banking records to find terrorists. How dare they report on stuff! The gall!

I don't really have anything to add to the multitudes raving about how the Bush administration is blaming the messenger, and how they have no credibility in their attacks.

But Pistol Pete has asked Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez to investigate The New York Times with an eye toward prosecuting. Come on, Dickhead. We do still have freedom of the press. And one of the jobs of the press is to serve as a check on governmental excess.

Peter King, I'm embarrassed to share an island with a Dickhead like you.

By the way, I'm pretty sure this is a photo of Peter King, even though it doesn't look much like the photo he keeps on his congressional website. Hey, Pistol Pete! Are you feeling a little self-conscious about your graying hair and thickening face?

Oh, yes, we take the cheap shots, too, here at B&E.

Dickhead of the Week - David Glass

glass
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

When a man's actions get me to agree with Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Or Kansas City, as the case may be.

Twenty years ago, the Kansas City Royals were a force to be reckoned with. They were a small-market team that won the I-70 World Series in 1985 against the St. Louis Cardinals. Even though I've always been more of a National League fan, it was hard not to warm up to the Royals teams of the 80s, from my proximity in Topeka.

Enter new(ish) owner, David Glass. Now the Royals are perennial hundred-game losers. It's a sad sight.

The easiest explanation would be, of course, that the Kansas City market can't compete with the likes of New York, Chicago, LA, etc. This is why Major League Baseball participates in revenue sharing and luxury taxes. Small-market teams receive revenue and excessive payroll penalties from teams like the Yankees and Mets, who can afford to pay too much for good players.

George Steinbrenner, who's pretty famous for being an asshole, was against this plan, of course. "What's to keep owners from simply pocketing the money?" he asked, knowing that's exactly what he would do, if given half an opportunity.

The Kansas City Royals payroll was just shy of $37 million in 2005. Yet they received $64 million in revenue sharing and luxury taxes. Where's all that extra money, David Glass? Are you keeping it in your freezer?

But David "Heart of" Glass is keeping up appearances. He introduced a new general manager to the press and got so annoyed by persistent questions about the previous GM from radio reporters Bob Fescoe and Rhonda Moss that he revoked their press passes to the stadium for the rest of the year.

Add to this that David "I've Got No" Glass won the right to buy the Royals, despite offering $24 million less than the other bidder. Oh, and he's also a former CEO of Wal-Mart, who's most famous during his tenure for storming out of a Dateline interview like a petulant child.

Yes, I'm afraid all signs point to Dickheadedness. David "I'm Turning the Royals Into Shards of" Glass, you are Dickhead of the Week.

Dickhead of the Week - Migraine Headache

migraine
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Rove gets off. Frist made $5,000,000 on stock investments while being investigated for insider trading. And Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert may have made $3,000,000 off some real estate thanks to a highway bill he pushed through congress. Yes, Dickheads all.

But it's hard to give a shit about any of that when Mr. Migraine Headache plants itself firmly in the middle of my skull. Yes, imagine if you will, a basketball. Let's say that basketball is in the middle of your head (if you think of your head as the earth, the basketball would be its core). Let's say that basketball is being inflated and pressuring its way out of your head from the inside.

Yes, Migraine Headache is a brutal totalitarian Dic(khead)tator. He is all-consuming. He causes lighting shapes in front of your vision. He causes nausea. He wipes you out.

And when Migraine Headache comes into town, you just can't give a fucking shit about anything else.

Even now, with the pain waning, I'm so goddamn exhausted, all I want to do is go to sleep.

Funny stuff today, eh, B&E readers?

Mother Dickhead's Lack of Indictment

Obviously I'm among those disappointed that the Mother Dickhead, a.k.a. Turdblossom, a.k.a Karl "Boba" Rove won't be charged with a crime. This crime, anyway.

But the Mets are in first place in mid-June, with the biggest lead in any division in baseball, so it's hard for me not to be a glass-is-half-full kind of guy these days.

And hey, while maybe it should be, it's not illegal to be a Dickhead.

Dickhead(s) of the Week - Gay-Bashing Edition

inhofe
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Forty-nine senators voted in favor of the amendment denying marriage rights to gay people. That's 49 Dickheads. A few among them deserve some special mention...

Senator Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma added a visual aid to his argument against gay marriage: a family photo. During his presentation, he pointed out that he and his wife had been married 47 years, and that there's never been homosexual relationship in the "recorded history of our family." Well, the recorded history, sure, but what about the unrecorded history? Just so there's no "conflict of interest," Inhofe doesn't hire any openly gay staffers. At least he's consistently bigoted.

Senator David Vitter went on the record to state that he didn't believe any issue was as important as this one. Yo, Vitter! You're from Louisiana. I think the bulk of your state would agree that continued Katrina recovery might be a little bit more important. Yeah, those refugees in Houston are probably feeling extra-angry this morning knowing that not only can they still not return to their homes, but now the queers are gonna spoil marriage for them.

With the amendment officially dead in the Senate, one would assume that the House wouldn't waste their time on such nonsense, since it really wouldn't mean anything even if they manage to pass it. Alas, we didn't count on former Major League (and Hall of Fame) pitcher, Jim Bunning of Kentucky, and House Majority Leader, John "I'll Be Your Catcher!" Boehner. They've partnered in an unholy backroom alliance to ensure that the measure's seed gets spread across the floor of the House. It titillates! Oh, but it does titillate...

What a bunch of Dickheads. And closeted queers.

Dickhead Watch - The Enron Trial Concludes

layskilling
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

New Shitbirds, B&E readers!

Ken Lay was convicted on all six counts leveled against him. There was also a separate trial with a judge's verdict, concerning four counts of Lay's no-longer-alleged bank fraud. Guilty there, too.

Jeff Skilling was facing 28 counts of fraud, conspiracy, and Dickheadedness, and was found guilty on 19 of those counts.

Sentences for fraud and conspiracy range between five and ten years for each count. These Dickheads face a lot of years in prison.

There is no maximum sentence for Dickheadedness, if you can believe it. You can be found guilty of Dickheadedness and not serve any jail time. Amazing, our legal system.

But they have not yet begun to fight. Appeals. We're looking at years of appeals.

I don't care what happens in the appeals process. These Dickheads will always be Shitbirds in my heart...

Dickhead of the Week - William Jefferson

william jefferson
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Imagine this: another Dickhead nearing Shitbird status. And this time a Democrat!

Congressman William Jefferson, who shares two names wth former president Clinton, has apparently been recorded taking bribes. Oops.

Jefferson's defiant. He promises not to resign even if indicted. Dude. Tom DeLay is almost without argument the Biggest Dickhead of All-Time, and even he resigned.

And, naturally, the Democrats aren't handling this terribly well. As Titivil so aptly pointed out, corrupt Democratic officials manage to be corrupt without the institutionalized help of the corrupt K Street Project funneling millions into the corrupt party. (Titivil also deserves credit for reminding me that Shitbird is the preferred moniker for jailbirds.)

But are the Demo-craps washing their hands of Representative William Jefferson? No. Rather than sending a clear message to the public that the Democratic Party won't tolerate corruption by demanding his resignation, an ethics committee investigation has been requested. Boy, that'll show 'em. The ethics committee has been emasculated for years.

The ethics committee is dead! Long live the ethics committee!

Bribery and corruption aside, John Nichols, writer for The Nation, makes the argument that the Democratic Party shouldn't stand by Jefferson anyway. To paraphrase Nichols in my own vernacular, it appears that Jefferson has been a Dickhead for quite some time, not much more than a corporate crony.

Party loyalty is short-sighted and, well, fucking bullshit. Demand Jefferson's resignation, idiot Democrats. This is but one way to separate your party from the one that calls itself Republican.

Dickhead of the Week - James Tobin

tobin
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some of you may have heard about the 2002 New Hampshire Senatorial election -- the one in which the New Hampshire Republican Party jammed the phones of the Democratic Party during their get-out-the-vote campaign. Republican Senator John Sununu won the relatively close election, aided in part by this scheme.

James Tobin, one of the orchestrators, was just sentenced to ten months in prison. After running the successful Senatorial election, he was put in charge of the Bush/Cheney campaign for all of New England. He resigned (oops!) when he became subject to the federal inquiry.

Oh, but it doesn't stop there. Thanks in large part to the fallout from this douchebag's antics, the New Hampshire Republican Party has less money in its bank account than I do (until I pay for my computer repair). And trust me when I say that means it's fucking broke. So the RNC has picked up the legal fee tab. It's almost like they're supporting his illegal activities. No, not "almost like." They are supporting his illegal activities.

But wait, there's more. The investigation is reaching, naturally, into the White House itself. In the midst of the phone-jam, a series of calls were made to the White House from the NH Republican Party. Some are speculating that those calls went directly to Ken Mehlman, now the RNC Chairman. He denies knowing anything about it.

Add this to your list of a half-dozen or so separate (but equal!) scandals resulting from myriad unethical (at best) or criminal actions. And watch the Democrats feebly "fight back."

Pretty soon, I'll need two separate (but equal!) categories here at B&E: 1) Dickhead of the Week and 2) Shitbird of the Week. For now, though, James "Please Suck My" Tobin is both.

Dickhead of the Week - Randy Cunningham

Duke weeps
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Is it fair to name a jailbird Dickhead of the Week? If that jailbird is Randy "Duke" Cunningham, it is not only fair but balanced.

The Duke took bribes and then cried like a toddler about it on national television in a brave demonstration of his true sorrow and regret.

He's so sorry that he's refused to meet with the men investigating further improprieties. Looks like there may be more bribe-taking Dickheads in Congress.

Thing is, there's so much scandal going on in Washington right now, I'm not sure if it's one giant scandal or tons of mini-scandals. Duke's bribe-taking could be completely separate from the Abramoff scandal, which may not be a part of the Valerie Plame scandal, which may or may not be connected to the misuse of pre-war intelligence scandal, which might be unrelated to the domestic spying scandal, which may be completely divorced from the Tom DeLay money-laundering scandal, which might not have anything to do with...

You know what? It's one big scandal. The Devil made them do it.

"Get behind me, Duke!"

Dickhead of the Week - Dick Cheney

cheney gun
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

First of all, I'd like to thank those who offered up nominees for DotW last week. We had three -- four, actually -- quality choices. And Dickheads all. Especially the Taylor Law. If a law can be a Dickhead, Taylor is it. Please don't confuse the Taylor Law, however, with Taylor Hicks, the gray-haired fella who's made it to the final four in American Idol.

We're back to predictability in our Dickhead choices, but that Dick(head) Cheney really triggers something explosive in me.

With a straight face -- indeed, with a scowl -- Dick(head) had the audacity to lecture Vladimir Putin about his leadership.

Included among his criticisms are these juicy nuggets:

"...from religion and the news media to advocacy groups and political parties, the [Russian] government has unfairly and improperly restricted the rights of the people."

"No legitimate interest is served when oil and gas become tools of intimidation or blackmail, either by supply manipulation or attempts to monopolize transportation."

Replied Putin, "I know you are but what am I?"

Dickhead Watch - The Enron Trial

layskilling
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's all about the "Watches" as we kick off the week here at B&E. First, the Xady Watch. Now, the Dickhead Watch.

It was Jeff Skilling last week, using every ounce of his charm to convince jurors that he didn't resign from the company and sell millions of dollars in Enron stock because he knew the downfall was coming. We don't yet know if the jury swallowed that horse shit.

This week, Kenny-boy Lay is on the stand. He's laying all the blame on the CFO, who pleaded guilty and is now the prosecution's lead witness. Lay's also reaching for some sympathy points, as he discusses on the stand the pain he felt from Enron's collapse. Poor bastard. It must be really hard perpetrating such a massive fraud and getting caught.

Lay's lead attorney, by the way, is recovering from heart surgery. Skilling, meanwhile, has an entire firm on retainer.

Dude. These Dickheads are totally getting off, aren't they?

Dickhead of the Week - Rudy Giuliani

giuliani
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I don't think I've ever gone off on Giuliani. His free ride on B&E is over.

Here I was all set to name Ralph Reed Dickhead of the Week, because he's a Dickhead, and it's good to remind people of that occasionally, particularly as he's running for Lieutenant Governor of Georgia while also embroiled in the Abramoff scandal. Oui, oui, Raphie-boy is a Dickhead.

So as I go trolling for the appropriate photo of Herr Reed, I head to his campaign website, and what should be on the home page but an announcement of an event featuring none other than "America's Mayor" Rudolph Giuliani. Last week Rudy, in his infinite Dickheadedness, campaigned for Senator Rick "Sanitorium" Santorum.

While mayor of NYC, Giuliani was heralded by folks on all sides of the political spectrum as a "moderate." I never felt that to be true, as I thought turning Manhattan into a giant Disneyfied strip mall was actually pretty extreme. But somehow, being pro-choice now equals being moderate.

Rudy is now known across the nation as the face of calm in the wake of 9/11, and far be it from me to tell you that it wasn't true. Frank