Shocking! Simply Shocking! Pass the Chips.

Once (probably more than once, actually) I called New York politics stupid. Another time, I called New York State Senator Martin Espada a Dickhead.

See, when I do that, Google Alerts informs some intern in Martin Espada's office that a ranty blogger with six readers is calling Martin names again. No one really cares.

Today's news, however, is slightly bigger than being named Dickhead by B&E. Someone with actual power (in this case Andrew Cuomo, New York's current Attorney General and, everyone assumes, New York's next governor) is suing Majority Leader Espada for funneling millions of dollars from his health care nonprofit toward his personal expenses. Dinner? The nonprofit will pay for that. Campaign expenses? Let the nonprofit take care of it. Family vacations to Vegas and Florida and Puerto Rico? Yeah, that's what nonprofits are for!

I mean, shit. The suit even alleges that Martin had a severance package ready for triggering that would give him $9 million and bankrupt the nonprofit.

Oh, Martin Espada... When you shut down the New York Senate for your own personal empowerment last year, you were a Dickhead, no doubt. And man, I sure can't wait to be able to call you Shitbird too.

Gosh, you're a loathsome creature.

UPDATE LATER: Please exchange the name Martin for Pedro throughout this post. There's a pretty big difference. Apologies to the poet Martin Espada, who wrote Alabanza. That'll teach me to write when I'm tired.

Out Crazying The Crazy

A while back, I'd wanted to draw my six readers' attention to a creative counter protest in San Francisco in response to perennial protester Fred Phelps. But then time went by, and you know how these things work.

But hey now! It's relevant again! So here I go!

For those who may not remember Fred Phelps and the Phelps Family Singers, they're the "God Hates Fags" people, recently in the news because a dead Marine's father was ordered by a judge to pay the Phelps' family legal costs, because the Marine's father sued the Phelps for protesting at his son's funeral. Bill O'Reilly ended up stepping in on behalf of the Marine's father and paying the legal costs.

This is but one example of the Phelps Horror Show.

Anyway, San Francisco! So you might be surprised to hear that there are some freaks out there. And freaks are funny. So the freaks made some crazy-ass signs to out crazy the Phelps' crazy-ass signs. I'm partial to the one that just says, "ME!" but there are a couple of real gems in there.

Also, you can play around with your own crazy signs here. I made this one:


So how is it suddenly relevant again? Well, a fella called Jason Levin received his inspiration from the wackiness of the sign makers in San Francisco and, in the tradition of the Yes Men, has come up with an idea that's part performance art, part activism, and part sheer lunacy.

The short of it is that Jason hopes to destroy the Tea Party movement by infiltrating and pushing it further away from the mainstream, so that Everyman looks at them and says, "Well, that's too fucking crazy for me."

His people may or may not be the people saying the craziest of the crazy shit you hear coming from the Tea Parties. So if members of the Tea Party start claiming that Obama performs deviant sexual acts, a member of Jason's group might say, "Yeah, and the president also fucks goats!" The best part is that the Tea Party won't know who's legitimately crazy and who's just fucking with them. Maybe a real Tea Bagger thinks that the president fucks goats. Just maybe. Who can tell?

Go, Jason.

It's More Like This, Actually

In general, I try to avoid hearing the smug, bitchy voice of Sarah Palin, which doesn't lose any of its shrill in print. (As a quick aside, I also sort of hate using those types of words to describe the voice of a woman in politics since they scream of sexism. But in this case, I just can't think of other words. Her voice hurts my head. Like when Bjork sings.)

You probably heard that President Obama signed a nuclear arms reduction treaty with our Cold War nemesis Russia. And a few days ago, he also changed the U.S. rules of engagement with regard to nuclear warheads.

People on the right say that these things make us weaker. People on the left say that Obama hasn't gone far enough. I tend to agree (surprise, surprise) with the people on the left, but I also get the feeling that nuclear disarmament, more than any other issue Obama has spoken about/acted upon, is the issue of his lifetime. His desire for a nuclear bomb-free world seems utterly sincere to me. In other words, although what he's done so far doesn't go far enough, more than most issues for this president, I trust it's a process, of which this is but one step.

For some on the right, like let's say former half-term governor Sarah Palin, it doesn't matter what Obama does. They'll complain anyway. Hell, Obama could shoot a wolf from a helicopter while signing a law that allows oil drilling in the Arctic Ocean, and Sarah Palin would somehow claim that he's a socialist.

Anyway, about her response to all the anti-nuclear activities of the past few days, Greg Sargent pulled out this quote in his Morning Plum:

It’s kinda like getting out there on a playground, a bunch of kids, getting ready to fight, and one of the kids saying, "Go ahead, punch me in the face and I’m not going to retaliate."

Of course it's not actually like that at all because, you see, the use of nuclear weapons isn't off the table completely, and let's face facts: we have an enormous arsenal of non-nuclear warheads at our disposal that can just as easily destroy things. See "Iraq, Baghdad" for details.

So really it's kinda like getting out there on a playground, a bunch of kids, getting ready to fight, and one of the kids saying, "You punch me in the face, I will take this shotgun, blow a hole in your head, and fuck your skull. How strong does your fist look now, next to my shotgun and cock?"

By Ironic You Mean...

I can't say I'm all that surprised to hear that Governor-for-a-Short-Time Palin used to head across the border to Canada to get her grubby paws on some free health care.

She said in the interview, "I think now, isn't that ironic?"

Um, no. It's not ironic. It's outrageous, perhaps. Hypocritical, obviously. Exploitative, certainly. But nothing about it is ironic.

Jesus Christ.

Then There's the Real Reason

Harold Ford isn't running for the U.S. Senate against Kirsten Gillibrand. He explains why in an op-ed piece in the New York Times, which has already given him a lot of press in recent weeks.

I've said before that I've got little opinion about our appointed Senator Gillibrand. She's moved to the left since being appointed by our Governor (who also isn't running - Jesus, I go out of town for a few days and return to Paterson in full meltdown mode), which I like, but truth be told, I just don't know that much about her.

Other people flirted with running against Kirsten. Carolyn Maloney, who represents me according to just about every online advocacy group even if I've never had the option of voting for her at the actual polls, was considering a primary challenge. I do like Rep. Maloney. She's usually a reliably progressive vote. I would've happily voted for her in a primary to Gillibrand.

Harold Ford lumps himself together with Carolyn Maloney in discussing the enormous pressure he received to not run from the party machine. And the lack of party support is one thing he cites in his op-ed about why he won't run.

What he doesn't mention, of course, is that he began campaigning in earnest before he made the official decision to run. And there's one striking absence from his list of reasons for not getting involved in the race.

New Yorkers, particularly potential Democratic primary voters, think he's an enormous asshole. Assholes have won plenty of elections, so assholery is not an inherent deal breaker. But he came off as an incompetent, petty, utterly uninteresting, non-resident asshole.

If we New Yorkers didn't hate Harold Ford, he'd totally run. And he is lying by omission in his op-ed.

You Left Out Your Biggest Enemy

Steve King, Dickhead of the House from Iowa, says a lot of crazy, and occasionally gets called out on the crazy.

Steve King recently spoke at CPAC, the annual conference brought to you by the ever-reasonable American Conservative Union, which in spite of its obvious anti-union leanings has "union" in its name (branding issues!).

Anyway, Representative Steve King addressed the crowd and defined our enemies. He mentioned, of course, al-Qaeda and the Taliban. And by "al-Qaeda and the Taliban" I mean, "anyone who disagrees with Representative Steve King."

I want to define that enemy. They are: liberals; they are progressives; they are Che Guevareans, they are Castroites, they're socialists. More enemies on this list: Gramsciites -- ring anybody's bell? -- Trotskyites, Maoists, Stalinists, Leninists, Marxists. They're all our enemies.

Yes, well done. Half of America is your enemy, Steve King.

I could go on about how stupid Steve King is, but hell, I'm his enemy, so any cogent argument is easily dismissed by him and his supporters.

But photographs don't lie, Steve King. That comb-over isn't fooling anyone. I hate to break it to you: you're bald. And everyone knows it.

When it comes right down to it, you're just a bald Dickhead. And your enemy is testosterone.

Off To a Great Start, Dickhead

Hey, remember Rick Santorum? Reach back into the bowels of your brain and you might find him lurking there. "Consensual sex between gay people should be illegal." He's that guy.

Anyway, Rick's trying to prove that he's unpopular on a national level and not just in his home state of Pennsylvania. In other words, he's considering a run for the presidency. Go, Rick!

He's showing his brilliance already. He says that Sarah Palin has some explaining to do.

Yeah, no shit, Rick. That's why people run for president. To explain themselves. You'll have to explain yourself, too, you fucking idiot.

Dickhead of the (Time Frame) - NY State Senate

I've always been proud to live in New York - the gayest city in the gayest state in the gayest country in the gayest world. OK, so maybe we're second to Des Moines.

Either way, like most left-leaning New Yorkers, I find today's vote by the New York State Senate to deny marriage to same-sex couples bass-ackwards and offensive.

The New York State Senate has really been on a roll lately, particularly efficient at accomplishing almost nothing, unless it's destructive. They're like the bastard child of the United States Senate, which is particularly efficient at accomplishing almost nothing, unless it's destructive.

If there are any Queens activists out there who are angry enough to want to put up a challenge in the primary to our Dickhead State Senator George Onorato, I promise you'll get my support.

I never thought that I'd want to be from Staten Island, but I wish this woman was my Senator...

There's a Lot of Queens to Love

Kanye, Serena, and Representative Joe Wilson all behaved like Dickheads recently, and I went for a long walk in Queens.

It's a great borough. My buddy and I weaved through Western Queens (Sunnyside, Long Island City, Astoria) for what turned out to be about eight miles. Destinations included Court Square Diner (because we needed some diner brunch), Socrates Sculpture Park, Astoria Park, and back home.

In between and after those destinations we just wandered. We wandered by the Keyspan power plant with its giant smoke stacks; we wandered by a curious block of houses that looked like a cross between big homes in Chicago and those odd houses up small hills from the sidewalk in, say, Santa Cruz, California; we wandered through no man's lands, some of which were poor and shitty and others which looked poor and shitty but featured expensive cars on the street; we wandered by the Queensbridge housing project, birthplace of Nas; we wandered along the East River with its views of Roosevelt Island and the Upper East Side; we wandered through Astoria Furniture Mart; we wandered by community garden plots; we wandered through the hipster part of Astoria and down Steinway Street... Oh, we wandered, B&E readers. You bet your sweet bippy we wandered.

Queens is a fine borough for living. Yes, indeed. So stop overselling me, Brooklynites. I live in Queens.

Oh, and look! Getting beaten by your husband is a pre-existing condition! Yeah, so health care status quo sounds like a pretty fucking good idea! The Republicans are the party of torture and wife-beating! Way to go!

And a very happy fucking Monday to you.

The Condescension of Soundbites

Some of you may have heard that the President gave a speech to Congress and that a major Dickhead shouted, "You LIE!" in the middle of it. Yeah, I heard that, too.

But I didn't see it because I was at a play that people in the New York City area should go see. It's called Aftermath by Jessica Blank and Erik Jensen, and it's running at the New York Theater Workshop. [Full disclosure (as if I have enough readers to warrant "full disclosure"): I know the playwrights.]

Aftermath features the stories of Iraqi refugees living in Jordan - and what happened to them after the United States invaded. Jessica and Erik traveled there, and interviewed about 35 refugees, and selected seven people on which to focus. So the words are theirs (translated into English, usually).

What's nice about the play is that the characters aren't ideologues, and the authors' own politics (about as left-leaning as I am), at least where the Iraq War is concerned, were complicated by the experience of the interviews. This is a messy war that had many complex issues surrounding the lead-up and aftermath.

Nothing is ever as simple as either side wants it, is it? And when we make it simple we do a real disservice to the discourse, not to mention the handling of something as important as, say, a war.

Anyway, there was a discussion after the performance I saw, and at one point it actually got a little contentious. A guy whose politics I would say I probably agree with said, "It's time for the Iraqi people to stand up and take charge of their own country."

This is a sentiment I've heard quite a lot. Many people on the left say that as rationale for getting our troops home. It's especially used amongst Democratic Party members. It must have been tested in a focus group at some point.

And sure, I guess I agree with that. But when this fella said it, he was speaking to an Iraqi. And it sounded condescending. The fact is we invaded a country that was fucked up, and we fucked it up in an entirely new way. Surely, we have some responsibility for that. Isn't it our duty to support the Iraqis as they "stand up and take charge of their own country"?

Of course, even as I type that last paragraph, I find myself horrified by how it sounds like an argument for an open-ended commitment to be occupiers, and that freaks me out.

So even in my simplified thinking of these complex issues, it gets really complicated, and there are nuances and cultural challenges I know absolutely nothing about.

I guess all I'm really saying is that all major issues are exceedingly complex, and the older I get, the less tolerance I have for the soundbites.

And hell, man, soundbites are essentially what I do for a living. I boil down, I distill, I simplify. As I think about it, I realize maybe that's why I get so irritated by the soundbites. Maybe it's not so much that the soundbites simplify. Maybe it's how they get simplified.

Simplifying to help people understand is one thing. Simplifying to win an argument is something altogether different. And both sides do it.

Naturally I think the right-wing does it a lot more dishonestly and destructively. But I certainly felt the same yucky feeling as that left-leaning dude shouted down the Iraqi with his over-simplified regurgitation of a Democratic Party talking point.

It's the Ears and Beady Eyes

Recently, I've been reminded of Truman. Not the president. The Truman I'm thinking about was a developmentally delayed kid at my grade school in Texas. When I was seven, he looked about 20, but he was probably really only 12. For reasons I'm not sure, everyone knew all the names of the kids in special education at that school.

Truman wore cowboy boots and western shirts every day. His hair was pressed down on his head, his ears stuck out, and there was a certain emptiness in his beady eyes.

I had a minor run-in with Truman in the 2nd grade. I'd gone to the bathroom, and Truman was using the urinal, so I took care of business in the stall. When I turned around, Truman was standing at the door of the stall. He was leaning against one side of the stall, with his arm reaching across to the other side, blocking my path.

He was staring at me with his mouth slightly agape. His hair was slicked down, of course, and his beady eyes were glaring at me. It was nothing, if not predatory. And even then I recognized a certain amount of sexual curiosity in the predatory glare. I also saw some confusion, possibly thanks to his developmental delays. He had me trapped, but wasn't sure what to do next.

Naturally, I was scared. Truman was a lot bigger than me, and he and I were alone in the bathroom.

I bolted. There was surprisingly little resistant from his arm when I shoved it out of my way. I expected the big kid to be a lot stronger, and I was really small for my age then. I skipped the hand-washing part and headed right back to class. Truman didn't follow.

I only had one other experience with Truman that year. Again, I was going to the bathroom during class (I think I went when I felt bored, which was often in those days), and when I opened the door, Truman's head poked out of the stall. I turned right around and went back to class. Thank god I didn't actually need to pee.

So why have I been thinking about Truman these past few days? The slicked hair, beady eyes, and predatory glaring are back in the news in the person of Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama, senior Republican member of the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Jeff Sessions is clearly on the prowl, has SCOTUS nominee Sonia Sotomayor in his sites, and yet doesn't seem to be sure of what it is he's after exactly. She's right in front of him... Now what?

And ultimately, Sessions is no match for Sotomayor. Her brain will push his weak arm and confused mind right out of the way and lead her way to the Court.

That's right: Senator Jeff Sessions reminds me of a developmentally delayed grade school kid.

Dickhead Rewarded

The stupid stupidheads that call themselves the New York State Senate have finally resolved their stupid stupidness.

The winner is... Dickhead Martin Espada!

Espada and Hiram Monserrate were the original defectors, with Monserrate almost immediately returning back to the Democrats to create the stalemate. Thirty-one days later, the Democrats reclaim power, with Espada also returning to the Democrats.

And imagine that! All it took was to name Pedro Espada the Majority Leader. So as long as we're without a Lieutenant Governor, this guy is second in line to be Governor!

On NY1 this morning, they were showing a clip of the actual transfer of power from previous Majority Leader Malcolm Smith to Espada. Smith introduced the new leader, and while the many stupid senators applaud, Espada stands, buttons up his sharp suit jacket, and has the single smuggest, most self-satisfied look I've ever seen on a face.

NY1 then followed that clip with a clip from the news conference announcing his return to the Democrats, during which Espada said something like, "It's never been about power; it's been about empowerment."

His own personal empowerment, apparently. This guy is truly loathsome.

Turning the Frown Upside-Down

Oh, Fred Phelps... Your hatred knows no bounds. Well, maybe some bounds. Most of the bounds seem to be gays and Jews.

Yes, I've written about dear Fred before, he of the God Hates Fags movement. Well, recently, Fred and the Westboro Baptist Church (a.k.a. the Phelps Family Singers) have recently been saving some of their vitriol for the Jews as well.

Why the Jews are suddenly in the Phelps' cross-hairs, I don't really know. I suppose I could read about it on their website, but I can say with some confidence that any rationale wouldn't actually make sense. I'm sure it's hateful, stupid, and dangerous, like all of their other spewings.

So this past weekend, the Phelps' came to New York, where we have lots of Jews and lots of gays, sometimes in the same place. One of their protest locations was Congregation Beth Simchat Torah, a synagogue founded by a group of gay Jews in the 70s. I suppose you could call them the gay temple in town, although they're certainly more than just that.

Well, the gay Jews didn't take it lying down [insert offensive gay joke here!]. In fact, they asked for pledges: donate per minute of the Phelps' protest.

Fred and the Phelps Family Singers raised $10,000 for CBST over 50 minutes.

Thanks, Fred! Your protests really bring people together, buddy.

I Think We Need That Dog Whisperer

We still don't have a functional Senate in New York (we don't have one in the federal government either, but for totally different reasons - zang! zzp-POW! wocka-wocka-wocka!) because a judge refused to a) condone the Republican takeover, or b) reject the Republican takeover.

Instead, he was all, "Yo, jackasses. Go across the fucking street, stop being little bitches, and work this shit out."

While I can understand the sentiment (and perhaps if I had any knowledge of the law I could also understand the legal argument), I'm not sure that the Honorable Thomas J. McNamara quite understands what we're dealing with here. This is, after all, the most corrupt bunch of power hungry fucking idiots this world has ever seen.

Or perhaps the judge understands completely and realizes that getting in the middle of the wrestling match with this bunch of clowns will only end with His Honor getting a massive a pie in the face. (Thanks again to Titivil for inspiring the clown imagery w/r/t our State Senate.)

Either way, New York still has no Senate. The Republicans show up in the chamber with their 31 seats, one seat shy of a quorum, i.e. no business can get done. The Democrats stay home with their 31 seats, celebrating individual quorums in their living rooms while watching reruns of The King of Queens and wonder how it is that Kevin James keeps getting himself into such wacky pickles. (Is that what happens on that show? I can't say I've ever seen an entire episode.)

And yet, life goes on as normal for the rest of us in NYC. I realize of course that eventually no Senate will have real repercussions (City budgets won't get approved, Bloomberg can't be named school czar, gays can't continue to be considered second-class citizens).

But for now, to put into new words a sentiment my dad used to express quite often, these utter Dickheads totally deserve each other.

Left and Right and... Left?

When one looks at the radical left wing to find dangerous criminals or terrorists, only one name really comes up with any regularity: Bill Ayers. His name only comes up because he's met President Obama.

Bill was a member of the Weather Underground. The Weather Underground killed exactly three people. Those people were all members of the Weather Underground who died in an explosion by a bomb in their possession. All Weather Underground attacks were done to property during non-business hours, usually with the warning that they were coming.

My point is that the radical left doesn't seem to kill people.

The radical right seems a little less queasy about murder. Timothy McVeigh blew up the Oklahoma City building in 1995 just after 9:00 AM, when people were there. Violence against abortion providers has killed a couple of handfuls of people (the most recent, of course, being George Tiller, the doctor in Kansas). And James von Brunn (allegedly) opened fire in the Holocaust museum.

Then you get dangerous Dickheads like Randall Terry (formerly of Operation Rescue) excusing the violence against abortion providers, while doing everything he can to separate himself from the von Brunn type of violence. Well, Mr. Terry, you're both part of a right-wing movement.

Unless you believe the right-wing media, which seems hell-bent on getting von Brunn lumped along with the left-wing radicals, and (also found via TPM)... lesbians?

Sorry, dudes, but neo-Nazi philosophies - whether coming from politicians, nutjobs, or murderers - are right-wing ideas. Von Brunn is yours.

So, yeah... Nice work bad-mouthing that report from the Department of Homeland Security that discussed the danger of right-wing violence a few weeks back.

In Case You Think I Haven't Noticed

B&E has taken a turn away from the political in recent weeks. Part of it is the simple difference it makes to have an administration that isn't a complete embarrassment.

Another part is that I'm spending less of my creative energy writing on B&E, and it's a lot easier to show photos of Scotland than get all thinky about politics, especially when participating in that activity leaves me with little hope for the future of, well, everything.

Anyway, I just want there to be a record on B&E about one very specific thorn in my political side...

The mechanical parts that take up the space where Dick Cheney's heart used to be obviously run on bile.

Pat and The Scotsman

Pat Robertson has once again done something offensive. I know! I KNOW! Shocking!

In reference to gay marriage, he said that from here it's just a hop, skip, and a jump to pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia, and indoor-plumbiphilia.

Equating the LGBTQCI (and any other letters that may or may not encompass what has generally been known as the "gay community") with pedophiles is something I've known was wrong since... oh, I don't know... I was nine? I grew up near the park in Topeka known for gay cruising.

When we moved into our house within walking distance of Gage Park (or Gay Park, as it was sometimes called), members of our church congregation (of which my dad was a leader) warned, "Just make sure you don't let your kids walk around there by themselves."

My dad was quite the progressive among our particular Lutheran community (we were Missouri Synod, if any of you readers out there happen to be "in the know" about Lutheranism), and he had a knack for playing innocent and, dare I say, stupid as a way of being challenging and non-threatening at the same time.

"But if they're gay, won't they be more interested in me than my children?" My dad was also a fairly handsome man, and this was invariably true.

But for some of the Lutherans he knew, this was perhaps the first time they'd been faced with a church leader who said, well, anything about gay people. And his innocent question actually got some closed-minded people thinking about gay people differently.

So now, these fathers were more fearful for themselves than their children when in Gage Park.

Alas, the awareness of my own father (who may not have even known any gay people at that time in his life) has not found its way to Dickhead Robertson.

Now bear with me here, as this might seem like a tangent, and it sort of is...

Pat Robertson has links to Scotland. He once said that Scotland is a dark land where homosexuals are unbelievably strong. So it was surprising about ten years ago when he formed a partnership with the Bank of Scotland. He was expected to get that 700 Club flock of his to support the bank. The Scots, knowing what a Dickhead Pat is, were not pleased, and the deal eventually fell through. But you know, apparently if you're Pat Robertson, money is more important than your morality.

Money, it turns out, isn't Pat's only link to Scotland. And the distaste for Pat doesn't necessarily extend to other conclusions. There seems to be an intrinsic link between homosexuality and pedophilia in Scotland. Or at least that's true in Scotland's leading newspaper, The Scotsman.

My brother-in-law was recently sitting on the jury of one of the most horrific criminal cases I've ever heard about. It was the prosecution of a big child pornography and child sexual abuse/assault ring. The details of the case were so shocking that, for the first time ever, the Scottish court kept psychologists on call for the jurors, should they need immediate counseling.

Due to a previous commitment, my brother-in-law had to be released early from his duty as juror, but the case has now come to a close with guilty verdicts across the board on all counts. The Scotsman had the story. (If you are at all squeamish about child abuse, I wouldn't recommend following that link.)

Within the story was this sentence:

Two of the men – convicted sex offender Neil Strachan and gay rights campaigner James Rennie – were convicted of sex attacks on children.

Come on, The Scotsman. You should know better than that. His gay rights activism is completely separate from his role in sex attacks on children. And to link homosexuality and pedophilia is irresponsible and homophobic. It's also totally irrelevant to the story.

You're making an implication that furthers discriminatory stereotypes about gay people that I've known were stupid since 1982. Shame on you, The Scotsman.

Oh, and fuck you, Pat Robertson, you colossal Dickhead.

Hey, As Long As You Don't Hurt Anyone

This Middle-Name-Joe The Not-Even-a-Licensed Plumber doesn't seem to go away, and I gotta say, the media on the left is even more fascinated by this tool than the right. Christ! Look at me! I'm wasting valuable space on the Dickhead, too.

I guess we can file him under the "bald" part of B&E. But let's not start thinking that all bald people are alike now. Easy there, baldists.

Anyway, I'm not gonna bother to link to any stories about "Joe the Plumber," but he apparently told Time Magazine that he's leaving the Republican Party.

Marketing people will often create a user profile for their archetypal consumer. So, for example, Victoria's Secret has created "Nicky." Nicky isn't a real person, but she personifies everything that the Victoria's Secret brand sells to. The idea is that the more specific you get with a user profile, the better you can sell to your target customer.

Joe the Plumber is that archetypal consumer for the Republican Party. And he just happened to come to life during the last election. So what are you left with, then, when your archetypal consumer rejects you? Well, you're sort of fucked.

And as the Republican Party is deserted in droves by all the Joe-the-Plumbers, Tito-the-Builders, and Chad-the-Douches, they're left with no one to sell to. Companies with no one to sell to end up bankrupt. The Republican Party has been morally bankrupt for a long time, and now they're actually losing the people smack-dab in the middle of their target audience. They are morally and physically bankrupt.

Joe-the-Archetype isn't going to turn to the Democratic Party. And why would he? Hell, I'm not being given any major reasons from the Democratic leadership to support them either, and I agree with the official stance of the Party on a fair number of issues facing our nation today.

So what happens to these Joe-the-Whackjobs? Who cares? As long as they don't hurt anybody.

Which, frankly, seems pretty unlikely. After all, look at Joe-the-Homophobe's views on gay people. Apparently, yesterday he said that he wouldn't let any queers near his children. And like most bigots, he was quick to point out that he was friends with actual homosexuals. I'm sure most of you have heard (or perhaps even said) something along the lines of "I'm not prejudice! Some of my best friends are black/gay/Jewish/women/Ewoks/children!"

Anyway, it's a downright dangerous point-of-view. It's not any sort of giant leap to go from "stay away from my kids" to "I fucking told you I'd fucking kill you if you didn't stay away from my kids!" if the gay person in question suddenly finds himself within Joe's unacceptable circle of proximity to his children.

But Joe-the-Dickhead claims that these actual homosexual friends know where he stands about having them nowhere near his children.

I'm going to go out on a real limb here: if Joe-the-Plumber actually knows any gay people well (which I doubt) and these actual gay people actually know that he won't let them near his kids, these gay people don't consider Joe-the-Plumber a friend. Unless these are some seriously self-loathing gay people.

My Morning Boehner

Ever since John Boehner was elected House Republican Leader in 2006, I've been having a good adolescent chuckle at his name. A couple of examples from other B&E entries:

John "Crap, I'm Losing My" Boehner
John "Lobbyist-Paid Travel Gives Me A" Boehner

Heh. I'm twelve.

The Perfesser (if that is indeed his name) responded once with his own set of Boehner jokes, which I reproduce in its entirety here:

It's up to Boehner to erect a new standard for the Republicans - a flagpole, if you will. Boehner must stiffen the base's resolve; Boehner cannot have the flaccid support of a bunch of sad sacks. Boehner needs action now without DeLay.

Boehner must penetrate deep inside the dark mysteries of Congress. It's all up to Boehner.

Boehner should be out in the open for everyone to see. Few Americans, in this conservative climate, want to have a Boehner sneaking up on them from behind.

I'm glad to see so many Republicans proud of their Boehner. I hope this Boehner is around for a long time.

Oh, man, it just doesn't get old.

More recently, Boehner came (heh) out strong against the stimulus (heh) package (heh) because it included funding for contraception (heh).

I think Politico might be equally excited (heh) by Boehner's name, because they were responsible for an article about how turned off (heh) Boehner was by Obama's package (heh), which made me giggle back in January.

And Politico is back at it again with an article yesterday called, Boehner Slams Obama.

Seriously, this is getting nuts (heh)!

A colleague at work found this article yesterday before I did. He was like, "Really? Slams? Boehner??" I said something about how Boehner's nickname in the House was "Semi" before he discovered Cialis, an admittedly lazy and predictable joke. My colleague's response:

"If your filibuster lasts more than four hours..."

Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

Yes, that's right. This is how I acknowledge the first 100 days of the Obama presidency: dick jokes!

Dickhead of the Week - Uriah Heep

A lot of very smart people are just as angry as I am about this whole AIG bonus debacle, and much of what I think has already been said by others. But it sure seems that Edward Liddy, the CEO of AIG, is a good candidate for Dickhead of the Week here on B&E.

But alas, the (somewhat recent) BBC production of David Copperfield aired on NYC's public television over the past two Sundays, and for my money, no literary character (or TV miniseries character, although in this case I can actually claim to have read the book, not that I remember it) is slimier than Uriah Heep. "Oy'm joost an 'umble servant..." You skeeve me out, Heep, you utter douchebag.

Turns out Edward Liddy is Uriah Heep, turning the smarm up to eleven in his rationale for doling out the bonuses to the very people who chewed-up-crapped-out our economy. Uriah Liddy bows, he kowtows, and then he does exactly as he pleases.

Word of warning, Smarmy Edward of AIG... Uriah Heep got himself sent to prison. And come to think of it, so did another fella with your surname. See "Liddy, G. Gordon"...

Gee, That's Too Bad

Because the missus hails from Scotland, we're having a constant discussion about when we might move there. It's a "when" conversation, not an "if" conversation, but the "when" does a lot of shifting about depending on our lives here, the economy, her family, my family, etc. And even though winding up there seems inevitable, we often speak of the pros and cons in general of the move across the Atlantic.

Fred Phelps has been a topic here on B&E before, and as someone who formerly lived in Topeka, I try to do as the Topekans do and ignore him as much as possible. There could be, and I'd guess that there is somewhere, a daily report on the evildoings of Fred.

Those of you not in the know, Fred Phelps is the pastor of Westboro Baptist Church, a.k.a. God Hates Fags. You've probably heard about them protesting military funerals, funerals for gay people, and just about any funeral in Topeka.

So I always like a bit of good news about Fred, and it appears that he and his daughter Sheila (and God Hates Fags spokesperson) got themselves barred from entering the United Kingdom. Apparently, they were on their way to protest/harass a college production of The Laramie Project (about the murder of Matthew Shephard) in Hampshire.

Alas, the Phelpses announced their plans on their website, and the Border Police decided that the Wesboro Baptist Church is an extremist hate group that doesn't deserve entry. Well done, Border Police. That I'd never have to see Fred Phelps and his cultish family again is a major "pro" for moving to Scotland.

But think about it, Fred. If you're not being granted access to protest this particular play, maybe God's telling you you're wrong. Maybe God hates you, you Dickheaded asshat.

[Thanks to my lesbian ex-girlfriend for the link.]

Greed in Privatization? No Way!

I've been meaning to get to this little story since last week because it's really grossly offensive. The short of it:

A couple of judges pleaded guilty to taking millions of dollars in kickbacks from privately run juvenile detention centers in Pennsylvania. In other words, they threw kids in prison for cash. Well done, justices, you unbelievable pricks.

But while the focus is on these corrupt Dickhead (now Shitbird) judges, maybe we should take a bit of a timeout and remember that the privately run juvenile detention centers in Pennsylvania gave a couple of judges millions of dollars. You see, the privately run juvenile detention centers get paid per head by the state of Pennsylvania, so they need bodies. What better way to get bodies than to pay off the people who decide what bodies go there?

Kids who did little more than deserve perhaps an at-home suspension ended up spending months in freakin' juvie.

Call it a few bad apples, they got caught, and blah blah blah. The fact is privatization in prisons is a breeding ground for corruption.

I know this is America, but seriously, not everything here should be for-profit. Prisons - especially prisons for kids - shouldn't be for-profit. Come on, privatizers. That's enough.

A Cuff? He's Only Got a Cuff?!

So this whole Bernard Madoff (pronounced "made off" much to the pleasure of the 24-hour news networks, which have taken us through enough "Madoff with billions" jokes to last a lifetime) story is old, and my comments are late. What are you gonna do? I'm busy.

It's a Ponzi Scheme! I had to look up "Ponzi Scheme" on Wikipedia because the elite media I read assumes I already know how it works. In case you, my readers, are as uninformed and ignorant as I am, a Ponzi Scheme has no relation to the Fonzie Scheme, in which Arthur Fonzarelli gets as many girlfriends as he can by banging his fist on the jukebox to get it to play a top hit of the 50s.

In a Ponzi Scheme, high returns are paid to investors with money from new investors coming in. That is, the money isn't actually earning any sort of yield. And like any pyramid scheme, Ponzi Schemes are destined to fail. So that's a very simple explanation and about all my bald head can absorb.

So Bernard Madoff with billions! AAAAH HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!

One of Madoff's (many) exceptionally wealthy investors was the Wilpon family. Fred and Jeff Wilpon are the father and son ownership of the New York Metropolitan Baseball Club.

As of this moment, the Wilpons are insisting that their personal losses won't affect their investment in the team. And indeed, Omar Minaya has already signed Francisco Rodriguez and JJ Putz (heh... Putz...) in recent weeks. But those signings occurred before Bernard Madoff with their millions! AAAAAAH HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!

I don't see how this won't affect the Mets. Minaya isn't done yet with his off-season moves, and it's the Wilpons who determine what he can spend.

Let's throw the fucking book at this Bernard Madoff. He's Madoff with the hopes of New York Mets fans. See? I'm not laughing. Meanwhile, he's sitting in the comfort of his goddamned penthouse apartment under house arrest with a cuff around his ankle, the Dickheaded Shitbird.

Alright... A modest proposal... The Mets new stadium is Citi Field. Since Citigroup got a massive bailout and much of the stadium has been built from government bonds, as far as I'm concerned, the new Shea is already owned by the people. The Wilpons have taken a bath, and although they say they're not looking to sell the team (which could well be their most solid investment), I think it's time we consider some new owners.

Let's look to the Green Bay Packers, a nonprofit, community-owned professional football team, the only such team in professional sports. The Mets are almost there unofficially anyway. Let's make it official. It's time for our local community to own the New York Mets.

Yeah, like that'll ever happen. Dammit.

Dickhead of This Moment - Rod Blagojevich

Right, so it's not exactly a weekly feature anymore, but I think Governor Rod Blagojevich has proven himself to be quite a Dickhead, has he hot?

Yesterday, the Illinois governor was arrested because he was looking to sell President-Elect's Senate seat for some cold, hard cash (like the literally cold, hard cash found in William Jefferson's freezer) or some serious political favors. No high bidder? No problem. He'd just appoint himself to the seat.

This is pretty shocking stuff, not so much that he was doing it (I tend to assume that most politicians, particularly the powerful ones, are corrupt to some degree), but that it was so brazen. The wiretaps are full of expletives ("Fuck the Chicago Cubs!" says his wife), full of bribery (blackmailing the Tribune Company), and full of more expletives ("Fuck them!" says Rod, when he learns the Obama people won't give him anything but appreciation for naming their choice to the Senate seat).

Just the day before his arrest, he actually said, "Go ahead! Tape my conversations!" Well, they were. Oops.

What will continue to be interesting is whether or not the ripples of this Dickhead's actions will be felt in the incoming Obama Administration. After all, the two men served in the Illinois Statehouse together, are a part of the so-called Chicago Political Machine, and know many of the same people. Based on what I've read so far, it appears that Obama himself is not terribly close to Blago, but what about some of those Chicagoans around him?

They will either look like corrupt Dickheads themselves or, if they had anything at all to do with the assisting investigation against Blago, they'll look as clean as my scalp after a shower.

Blago, you remarkable Dickhead. How long before you're a shitbird?

Focus on the Screwing of Families

I'd like to offer my special congratulations (topped with a long, gnarly middle finger) to James Dobson and Focus on the Family.

Shortly after spending $500,000 to screw gay families in California (that would be Proposition 8 support), Focus on the Family has announced that they'll lay off more than 200 people, thereby screwing families who presumably supported screwing the gay families. (But you know, not screwing them in the dirty way.)

It's nice that Focus on the Family is focused on screwing all families.

Oh, Dobson, you Dickhead.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Rudy Giuliani

"America's Next Top Model" is over, so now there's nothing separating me from the Republicans. This will be the first time I'll see Romney and Giuliani speak in the same night, so I'll finally find out who I find more loathsome.

Rudy Giuliani really gives bald guys a bad name. He and Dick Cheney are probably the worst bald guys on the planet.

Rudy's bringing out the zingers, and even with an ultra friendly (and right-wing) crowd, he barely gets a laugh. Dude, you're bombing so badly the crowd is chanting "U.S.A.!" instead of listening to you. Wrap it up, buddy! But of course he's less than five minutes into this disaster, so he forges on.

Every speaker is telling the same story about McCain's POW experience. Clearly this is what the Republicans want people to think about when voting. Not the issues, not the shithole that has been the last eight years.

For some reason, "working as a community organizer" gets a laugh. Not sure why. He mentions "Chicago machine politics," which I'm not actually sure means anything. He's talking about "present" votes. Boy, I wish Rudy was a lot less present around New York City.

I think the crowd is chanting, "Zero!" now.

Republicans aren't afraid to attack hard, that's for sure, even if the shit don't make no sense.

OK, so I really dislike Rudy Giuliani intensely, but I think maybe Mitt Romney's worse. It's really like choosing between swallowing four dozen razor blades and administering a porcupine enema, but I think I'd have to go with the porcupine. After all, the razors wriggle their way through one's whole system.

I'm also watching more of Rudy, which makes that porcupine enema all the more slow and uncomfortable.

Is "Drill, baby, drill!" really the Republican rallying cry?

DRINK! SEPTEMBER 11! HE MENTIONED IT! It took a lot longer than I expected, but there it was! Everyone drink!

Oh, Christ Almighty, Rudy... You get ellipses... I'm bored, and as we all know, boredom is a mask for anger...

What kind of roomful of Dickheads cheer for war? Even if you're pro-war, aren't you supposed to treat it soberly and with respect? War! Whoopee!

...

Rudy really loves himself. When he hits an applause line, he soaks it in better than anyone. Good thing that podium is there, because he's hard as a rock right now, if you know what I'm saying.

This guy is seriously the most smug Dickhead on the planet. Repulsive.

Who's questioning whether Sarah Palin has time for family and job? I'm not. Are people? What have I missed?

I think Rudy's wrapping it up. Get that fascist face off stage. Ugh.

Dickhead of the Week - Wal-Mart

Can a corporation be a Dickhead? Why not? After all, it seems that corporations have all the rights of an individual. And they pay fewer taxes and get bigger government handouts. So yes, a corporation can be a Dickhead. This is especially true for Wal-Mart.

Talk about providing affordable products all you want, the fact remains that Wal-Mart causes more poverty than it assists through low prices. They decimate communities. They support sweatshop labor. They intimidate employees. And on and on.

Now they're telling their employees how to vote. The short of it is that Barack Obama co-sponsored a bill that would make it easier to form unions in general and that could affect places like Wal-Mart. (John McCain is against the bill.) Wal-Mart has been calling mandatory meetings to tell employees that supporting Democrats would support this bill, and then they do their typical "here's why unions are bad for you" talk.

From the original Wall Street Journal article (I found it via HuffPo, of course):

The Wal-Mart human-resources managers who run the meetings don't specifically tell attendees how to vote in November's election, but make it clear that voting for Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama would be tantamount to inviting unions in...

Sounds a little like they were telling their employees how to vote.

If any of those employees are hourly, Wal-Mart broke the law. And if you know anything about how Wal-Mart saves money by keeping the bulk of its employees off-salary and on-the-clock, chances are very good some of those employees are hourly.

So Wal-Mart's now insisting that they didn't tell anyone how to vote, but as one employee put it, "I'm not a stupid person. They were telling me how to vote."

But they're Wal-Mart. They'll get away with this. So the only way to get back at the colossal Dickhead is to vote Obama (or Nader) into the White House, get a 60-seat majority in the Senate (the bill already has enough backing in the House), and see the bill passed.

Just as an aside, I love that the story was broken by the Wall Street Journal. Crazy liberal media!

Please Allow For Some Narcissism

(Although, let's face it: blogging is in general an exercise in narcissism.)

It had been quite some time since I reviewed the stats around B&E, and my kind host friend (and occasional troubleshooter) was good enough to link me to a summary. I won't go on and on about this, but there were a few things I found curious.

What are people Googling when they find my humble website? Six of the top seven query results are related to tattoos, with some variation of "bad ass tattoos" taking the top three spots on the list. In fact, if you do a Google image search for "badass tattoos," it is a photo of the missus' tattoo on B&E that is the first search result. I can't say that I expected that. But it sure does please me.

Slightly more predictable is that some people are still finding B&E by searching for "Rex Tillerson" or "Rex Tillerson salary." I was happy to see "dachshunds" on the list and a bit disconcerted by seeing "huge dick" on there.

Perhaps the best news of all though is that a fair number of people found this humble site by searching for "bald lesbians." I'm proud to be a friendly place for the lesbian community, particularly the bald lesbian (or bald Lesbian) community.

And since I was just the other day accused of writing about lesbians (or Lesbians) every fourth or fifth post, I thought I would try not to disappoint that particular reader by ignoring the l/Lesbians this week.

Too Many Dickheads to Mention

Big shocker here. The oil companies are spending their record profits on stock buybacks, thereby limiting the total number of shares available to the public, which in turn inflates the price of the stock. That way, investors in the oil companies have a boatload of stock worth a shitload of money, and they reward the CEOs accordingly, bringing us once again back to my original Dickhead of the Week posting about Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson.

What they're not spending their windfall profits on (or at least not in any form that can make a difference) is exploration of alternative energy sources. Imagine if Exxon Mobil and ConocoPhillips took those bajillions and invested in solar or wind power.

And I don't pretend to know everything about business, but if our move to alternative energy is inevitable, wouldn't it behoove Exxon Mobile and ConocoPhillips to own the shit out of it?

In the meantime, Chuck Schumer has it right: the oil companies are screaming out for a windfall profit tax. Oh, and also in the meantime, they're all a bunch of fucking Dickheads.

Breaking News: My Head Is Up My Butt!

More than two years after its debut, my Dickhead of the Week posting about former ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson continues to get (and play!) the hits. But for once, anonymous has aimed his (or her!) observational sites not on my writings about Rex but on my brief aside regarding Halliburton's CEO David Lesar. Anonymous comments:

If "CEO of Halliburton ... profiting off the death and destruction of soldiers and civilians alike." is true, then all the construction workers over there making $10 to $30 and hour are doing the same thing. As well are the folks back home who work for companies that make products that are used by soldiers over there. If you took your head out of your butt you could see that.

You really told me, anonymous! Sing it anonymously from the rafters!

OK, so seriously, anonymous (if that is indeed your name). You're going to anonymously (i.e. cowardly) defend Halliburton? You don't see an enormous difference between working people doing a job and the executives who determine where their profits come from?

And you don't find it outrageous that Halliburton is paying "$10 to $30 and hour" (if we assume your information is more accurate than your word choice) for the truly dangerous work being done in a war zone, while the CEO sits in the safety of his office and builds his personal fortune on their backs and, yes, from the death and destruction of soldiers and civilians alike?

Ah, well. I guess my head is up my butt for not pretending that CEOs and working people are totally the same.

Lubing up the Economy and Screwing It

Yes, dear B&E readers, it remains a good time to be in the oil business.

Yesterday Shell announced that 2007 was its best year ever, with more than $27.6 billion in profits. CEO Jeroen van der Veer said in his understated (read: Dutch) way that these results were "satisfactory." Trade unionists in Britain called the amount "obscene," and suggested that perhaps they pay a windfall tax.

Not to be outdone, on Friday ExxonMobil said, "You don't know obscene," and announced the most profitable quarter and year of any U.S. company in the history of the entire world. That's $11.66 billion in one quarter, friends, and more than $40.6 billion for the year.

Proving the Bush administration theory that we all benefit when the free market is given free reign to make as much money as possible (and the people who profit most from these corporations are given generous tax breaks), payrolls are dropping and the economy is in a tailspin. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. That disproves the theory. My mistake.

And I'm sure that getting a windfall tax passed in a government owned by Big Oil (and Big Industry in general) will be no problem at all. None. Nothing will ever be easier. Especially if no one ever proposes the idea.

In related news, most of you are already aware of an old B&E posting of mine, which named former ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson Dickhead of the Week. Yes, it remains a popular destination for new readers, most of whom anonymously invite me to have sex with myself for misspelling Mobil or for being jealous or for being a prick.

I'd like to draw your attention, then, to a comment that arrived today, which I quote in its entirety:

I would like to say to Rex Tillerson and the people who are defending him what about the exxon-valdez oil spill? I am a wife of a fisherman and i think it is about time they quit being greedy pigs and pay what is owed us after reading there profit shares i want to puke BOYCOTT EXXON MOBILE
Randa

Well put, Randa, and I would like to thank you for reminding all B&E readers that ExxonMobil has still not paid a single penny of what they owe for the Exxon-Valdez oil spill. That spill was back in 1989. Unconscionable.

ExxonMobil: Redefining "Dickhead."

Dickhead(s) of the Week - Sportswriters

Don't know if you heard, but there was a small news item this week about steroids in baseball. If you blinked you may have missed it.

Right.

So baseball is full of cheaters, including one of the greatest of all time, Roger Clemens. Who the hell is surprised? I say it a lot, and I've written it a lot: ballplayers are assholes.

The Mitchell Report was careful to state that the performance enhancing drug issue was a "collective failure":

Everybody in baseball — commissioners, club officials, the players’ association, players — shares responsibility.

I know that technically owners fall into the category of "club officials," but as the people who benefited most from the home run derby years of Major League Baseball, I would've liked to see them get a special call-out.

And as usual, brilliant sportswriter David Zirin has addressed the free pass given to the owners with more knowledge and eloquence than I can provide with my complete lack of journalistic experience and time for investigating. I implore you, as usual, to read his fine work.

David touches on the topic I'm really gearing up to here: the media's role, and more specifically, sportswriters. Seriously, what a bunch of Dickheads (not you, of course, David Zirin).

I caught wind of this self-righteous piece of shit article yesterday, in which US sportswriters express their dismay at the widespread use of performance enhancers and the baseball player "freak show."

Fuck you, Dickheads. Are you not journalists? Who better to discover and expose a widespread problem in baseball than the people trained in investigation that have access to dugouts and clubhouses? Why didn't you ask why ballplayers were suddenly looking larger? Why didn't you find out why so many men went up four hat sizes? Where did those thirty-six-inch biceps come from? It's your job to find shit out and report on it. Where have you been?

Seriously, any Dickhead reporter full of self-righteous indignation, dismay, or shock should be fired for incompetence.

Dickhead of the [Inconsistent Time Period] - Mitch McConnell

For the past year, I've been writing fairly inconsistently here, at B&E, and what used to be everyone's favorite weekly feature, Dickhead of the Week, has hardly been a weekly feature. Hell, it's hardly been a monthly feature. In fact, in perusing the old weblog, I haven't named a Dickhead since April. The Dickhead of the Week on that April day was Biology. So the most recent actual Dickhead was Alberto Gonzales back in March.

So a Dickhead is overdue, and I hereby name Mitch McConnell DotW.

The Senate Minority Leader from Kentucky earmarked $25 million to a war contractor currently under investigation for widespread bribery. Not only did Bitchy Mitch add this money into the bill without it being requested from the Defense Department, but I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn that the defense contractor in question, BAE Systems, has donated more than $53,000 to Bitchy Mitch's reelection campaign.

A recent Nation article discussed the coalition of anti-Mitch forces coming together in Kentucky to beat the Senator in the upcoming election. As usual, the Nation paints a promising picture of the "Bluegrassroots" fighting the good fight, and it's worth reading, like most things in that fine publication.

Anyway, Bitchy Mitch is a corrupt, war-mongering, Bush-loving, special-interest embracing twerp. He is therefore B&E's Dickhead of the Week.

Dickhead of the Week - Biology

Biology is at it again.

As someone who's suffered from migraines my entire life, I don't mind telling you that this article terrifies the shit out of me.

Nutshell version: Migrainers are more likely to suffer heart attacks and strokes.

Because, you see, it's not enough to suffer excruciating pain, spastic vision, and nausea on a regular basis.

Fuck you, Biology. First you give me a C in high school. Now you kill me.

You, Biology, are this week's Dickhead.

Dickhead of the Week - Alberto Gonzales

It's been a while since I've named a Dickhead, but Alberto "Speedy" Gonzales is making up for lost time. Unfortunately, my time is lost, too, and I don't have nearly the time necessary to explain why he's a Dickhead. And anyway, unless you've been living without media for the past couple weeks, you already know.

But if you have truly no idea why Alberto Gonzales is a Dickhead this time, read an online newspaper - The Nation is clickable to your right. So is a little blog called Titivil, actually, and I've been rather enjoying his commentary (with links).

So yes, our Attorney General is a Dickhead. I never thought I'd long for the days of the previous A.G. Remember that guy? He lost an election against a dead guy, for crying out loud.

Official Shitbird - Bob Ney

That'll be 30 months, Bob.

The first of the Abramoff trials has come to an end, and former congressman Bob Ney will be the inaugural Shitbird. His decision to check into rehab didn't cut his sentence to nothing. In fact, the judge, in her infinite wisdom, gave Ney a tougher sentence than the justice department asked for.

What gives, DoJ? You're not famous for your leniency. Why be so nice to Shitbird Ney and request the minimum sentence?

Ney, for his part, hasn't stopped blaming his "demons of addiction" and implied that it was because of the drinking that he made such enormous mistakes.

Excuse me, Shitbird Ney. Back in college, I did some stupid shit while drunk. And all the drink did was allow me to know that I had an excuse for my stupid actions. So sell your "the drink made me do it" elsewhere. I'm not buying. I did stupid shit and I'm completely responsible for being stupid.

Thirty months in prison. Forever a shitbird.

Dickhead of the Week - Virgil Goode

goode
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I've been lax about both the posting and the handing out of DotW awards, so I'm doing a quickie.

I'm late to this party, but in fairness to myself, I knew about the story yesterday from a cursory glance at the New York Times, and then read more on Yahoo!. Titivil (link to the right) also added some lovely snark to the festivities.

Anyway, Congressman Virgil Goode from Virginia wrote a letter to constituents stoking their fear of Islam, immigrants, and even interior design. You see, newly elected Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison is the first Muslim elected to Congress. And Virgil Goode spoke (wrote) out against him, somehow linking his election to immigration (mrrr?).

I'm making this quick, but I strongly encourage you to do a search for the story at Yahoo! News, and read Titivil or Wonkette (who's got the letter in its entirety).

The worst part might be the prose of the letter itself. He clearly doesn't have a competent writer on staff. Or his writer is on vacation and he took a little stab at it himself. It's really all over the fucking place.

Hey, Virgil (and in this case I mean the Virgil formerly known as Ballpeen Hammer - link to the right)! This man gives Virgils a bad name. Parry!

In Dickhead-turned-Shitbird news, Tom DeLay now has a blog. TomDelay.com, of course. I haven't yet read his writing because when I go to the website, I can't scroll down past the enormity of his name across the top. Man, even his typeface is full of ego. I'm also tempted to add him to my list of bald links. I'd like to start a rumor that he wears a rug.

Considering with God to Consider Some More

Senator Sam Brownback, right-wing Republican from the great state of Kansas, made an announcement concerning a potential bid for the presidency. I do not, however, know what that announcement means exactly.

In his prepared statement, Sam said this: "I have decided, after much prayerful consideration, to consider a bid for the Republican nomination for the presidency."

So, then, the answer to his prayers was to continue to consider? Or is it that if the first consideration was prayerful, this next set of considerings will be done sans prayer? Are you seeking the Republican nomination? Or will you only consider the nomination if it's offered to you?

Dude, if these are his prepared statements, we have a lot of the crazy to look forward to. Happy 2008 election, everybody!

Months Later and Still Pissing People Off

I don't believe that admitting I'm wrong makes me less than a real man. It is many other things that make me less than a real man.

To summarize a continuing saga, I'm still receiving occasional comments to my April post naming CEO Rex Tillerson of Exxon Dickhead of the Week. Yesterday's post by anonymous (which I had no idea was such a common name!) reads like this:

Talk about a dickhead... you don't even know how to spell the name of the company!

Well, anonymous, if that is indeed your name, you're right. I did misspell the name of the company. Apparently, it's ExxonMobil, not Exxon Mobile.

But in fairness to myself, I'm not sure that misspelling the world's most profitable corporation's name makes me a dickhead (even a lowercase dickhead). There are many other things that make me a dickhead (even an uppercase Dickhead), perhaps, but poor spelling is not one of them.

If anything, I'm guilty of being able to tune out the ExxonMobil corporate branding efforts. At worst, this makes me clueless, autistic, or even retarded. At best, I am an unsusceptible consuming American. And we are a rare breed indeed.

Dickhead(s) of the Week - Follow-up

layskilling
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Remember Enron? It went under thanks to the greed of its leaders. Remember one leader named Kenneth Lay? He died. Remember the other leader named Jeffrey Skilling? Today he was sentenced to 24 years in prison for executing massive fraud on investors and employees.

Only Bernard Ebbers has received a longer sentence for corporate fraud than Skilling. Bernie wins, 25 years to 24. The highly-competitive Skilling must be burning up about that. On the other hand, Skilling has a better chance of surviving his prison sentence than Ebbers. Ebbers is probably burning up about that.

It's possible that you might hear pundits, commentators, colleagues, and jackasses stating that 24 years is too harsh a sentence for corporate fraud, "it's not like he killed someone," etc. Those pundits, commentators, colleagues, and jackasses will be wrong. The sentence is, in fact, lenient, when you think of all the people hosed by this Dickhead's massive fraud.

Dickhead becomes Shitbird... Ah, the cycle of life...

Dickhead of the Week - MTA Management

MTA
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I gotta go to work shortly, so I simply offer this link from The New York Times as evidence of MTA management's Dickheadedness.

Fuck you, Metropolitan Transit Authority. Seriously. Fuck you.

Add a Shitbird to the List

ney
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I could be wrong, but I don't think Representative Bob Ney has won the Dickhead of the Week award here at B&E. Terrible oversight on my part, dear readers, and for that I apologize. Especially since Bob Ney will be going to prison.

The New York Times is reporting that Bob "Shot In The" Ney will be the first elected official to plead guilty to crimes stemming from the Jack Abramoff investigation. Ney was one of the golfers on that infamous Scotland trip, and he is not running for re-election this fall due to stress related to the Abramoff "ordeal."

Meanwhile, Ney has checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation program. You see, he's not rotten to the core. No, no. His corruption goes only as far as his disease.

My favorite tidbit from the investigation that continues is that in financial disclosure statements he claimed to have won $34,000 at a private London casino. Coincidentally, Ney had about $34,000 in outstanding credit card debt. A lucky day, indeed!

And now I'll get petty, because it's fun to do that. I'm looking at this photo of Ney, and I can't help but feel the man wears a rug. Either that, or he's got some fucked up hair. Either way, I hope it's removed for his mug shot, which will inevitably appear on The Smoking Gun.

Dickhead of the Week - Immigration Edition

tancredo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

We have two Dickheads this week, but it's Representative Tom Tancredo who gets the photo. It is truly amazing the photos you can find from politicians' own websites. Well done, Tom.

Even better done, though, was Tom's participation as guest-of-honor for a white supremacist event in South Carolina. The US Representative has an understandable ship-'em-all-out attitude toward immigrants, as his home state of Colorado borders, uh, Wyoming. Oh, and New Mexico, which is, after all, just a new Mexico.

Anyway, hoping to mobilize the coveted hate-vote, Tom went before the secession group to test the waters of his potential 2008 presidential run. Naturally, because they were a secession group, he preached a message of unity. Mmmr?

This week's co-hate-mongering Dickhead is Morgan Wilkins, a campus organizer who planned fun activities at the University of Michigan, such as Catch an Illegal Immigrant!

Ms. Wilkins also set up firing ranges with cutouts of prominent Democrats and invited students to shoot them with BB's and paint pellets. Admittedly this sounds like a good time, but that doesn't mean it's not offensive and dangerous.

(Full disclosure: I enjoy shooting BB guns. While in Vermont, I tagged a fez-wearing rubber monkey through the window of a tiny plastic stagecoach, without hitting the stagecoach. Yes, it was a good shot.)

Naturally, the Democratic National Committee Chairman, Howard Dean, wrote a strongly-worded letter to his Republican National Committee counterpart, Ken Mehlman. Republicans are running from Morgan's organizing efforts saying that she's unaffiliated with the party and an independent contractor hired to recruit college-aged GOP members. Uh...

Both of these stories came to my attention via The Huffington Post, which also offered this non-Dickheaded gem from Everyone's Favorite Jowls, Dennis Hastert. Poor singing voices can be forgiven, but he should at least know the words.

Dickhead of the Week - Ladies Edition

katherine harris
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A few months ago, Condi Rice was the first woman to win B&E's exclusive Dickhead of the Week Award. She has remained the only female recipient. I would therefore like to present a few standout female Dickheads from the past week. None are runaway winners, although that Katherine Harris has had it coming for a long time, so she gets pictured.

Katherine Harris
We all know that Katherine Harris stole the 2000 election. The Dickheadedness did not, however, stop there. She is now running the most spectacularly awful Senate campaign in history. She has more staff turnover than a temp agency. It's been a fun spectator sport, watching her campaign implode. This week, she said that separation of Church and State is a lie and that God chooses our rulers. The whole article makes for a pretty good read. Perhaps it's unfair to give her a Dickhead honor. It's probably more accurate to give her the Bat-Shit Crazy Tammy Faye Look-Alike Award.

But I'm a big fan of the photo (taken from her own campaign website's photo gallery). Her arm's around the child, and yet she can barely stand to touch her. Bask in the glow of Katherine Harris's warmth, dear B&E readers.

Elizabeth Dole
Often considered one of the not-so-bad Republicans, Liddy now heads up the Senate Republican Campaign Committee. So when Conrad "My Best Friend is Jack Abramoff" Burns said that he checked the immigration papers of his gardener, "a nice little Guatemalan man," Liddy came to Conrad's defense. No, he was not being condescending. The Guatemalan man is, in fact, short in stature. That Guatemalans are short is a stereotype Conrad had no intention of perpetuating. That's why he immediately turned around and ordered a "tall Guatemalan" from the nearest Starbuck's. (OK, I made that part up.)

Anyway, Liddy called it "a silly thing" because, as we all know, racial stereotyping is totally silly. As silly as the chicken dance at minor league baseball games.

Jean Schmidt
I recommend keeping an eye on Jean Schmidt. She first came onto my radar while running against Paul Hackett in Ohio in a special election for the House of Representatives last year. It was closer than it should've been in the Republican district, but she beat him. Her first order of business in the House was to call Vietnam Veteran Jack Murtha a coward, shortly after he recommended troop withdrawal from Iraq. Now it looks like she might be lying about her athletic exploits. Can she really run a marathon in less than three-and-a-half hours? Who knows? But if the photo is truly doctored, it will be one of the most awesomely stupid lies ever concocted to get elected.

Vote for me! I run fast!

Yes, it's true. Even the dickless can be Dickheads.

Dickhead of the Week - Mel Gibson

Braveheart
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

By now you've probably heard that Mel Gibson got himself in a bit of a legal pickle this weekend for driving while pickled and then accusing the arresting officer of being a pickle-eater. Yes, Mel apparently went on quite the little anti-Semitic tirade, which began when he asked if his arresting officer was a Jew.

In no reports have I read anything about whether or not the arresting office was, in fact, Jewish. Gosh, media, it's almost like it doesn't matter.

Mel's been hovering near Dickhead status for some time. Let's say, just for argument sake, that The Passion of the Christ neither villifies the Jews nor plays up Jewish stereotypes. What kind of a Catholic makes a movie about the life of Jesus without any kind of focus on the resurrection? Bad Christian! The suffering and death are only a part of what makes Jesus the savior, Mel. The important bit is actually when Jesus defeats death and comes back with his message of hope for all sinners who no longer have to worry about falling short of the glory of God.

You know, if you believe that sort of thing.

Anyway, Mel is also one of the wackadoos against stem cell research, and I remember a girlfriend in college telling me that he beat his wife. I have no way of knowing if that's true. After all, that girlfriend was craaaaaazy. She's now a lesbian, although that's not what makes her crazy. And of course the lesbians I know now tell me that my ex-girlfriend has always been a lesbian, which, actually, would make a great deal of sense. But my lesbian ex-girlfriend is neither here nor there. Although, appropriately enough, my lesbian ex-girlfriend also happens to be my Jewish lesbian ex-girlfriend.

Right. So back to Mel...

The alcohol in Mel's system unleashed the anti-Semitic beast within. He's apologized (without saying what he's apologizing for, specifically -- hey, it worked for Jason Giambi), claiming that he said dispicable things he doesn't believe to be true. Wow, it must be bad.

And in a move to reassure his fans, Mel said that in his struggle against alcoholism he is taking steps to ensure his return to health.

Think he's got a Jewish doctor?

Dickhead of the Week - Follow-Up - Rex Tillerson

tillerson
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Back in early April, Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson was granted the Dickhead of the Week honor here at B&E. He was at the top of a list of overpaid CEO's, and considering the gas prices, I thought he'd earned the honor. The weekly award, I thought, went well with his outrageous salary, which some sources had quoted to be as high as $13,700 an hour.

Most of my postings here at B&E receive a comment some time in the first few days it's up on the site, if they get a comment at all. Then the postings are forgotten. By me, too, usually. The Rex post, however, has garnered a few comments months later, including one today. The reason for this, I discovered (and think wrote about a couple of months ago), is that if you google (now lowercase according to Webster's) Rex, my B&E post is near the top of the second page of search results. Not bad.

Right, so back to today's comment. It's from anonymous (if that is indeed her name). I've pasted it here for your enjoyment...

His old position is still open - apply for it. Then put a price on moving every 18 months on your family and after moving them to a place they have no family or friends - leave to travel as it job required. He and his family have earned every damn penny of what he gets paid. Yes, I am close to them and if you want to take pot shots - come on we TEXAS gals know how to shoot back! We don't miss either!

The pot shot remark, I think, refers to another one of those several-months-after-the-fact comments I received, also from anonymous (if that is indeed his or her name) who recommended that Rex wear a bullet-proof vest to protect him from pot shots.

Violence is not condoned here at B&E, even for Dickheads.

In figuring out how to respond to today's anonymous, I consulted with a couple of friends. Reactions have ranged from "Just post her comment," to "Ask if she thinks all overpaid CEOs deserve their bags of gold, or just the ones she knows personally."

Heh. Nice one, Virgil.

What hurts me most about anonymous's post, though, is not that it's anonymous (although that hardly seems fair, since it doesn't take much work to find my name on B&E), or that she's a member of the entitled and idle rich, or even that she's from Texas (I lived in Texas as a kid, so I have the right to bad-mouth that shitty place).

No, what hurts me most is that she didn't take the time to clean up her comment. Grammatically it's a mess. She mistyped a couple of words. There are parts that need clarification.

Our anonymous friend of the Tillersons has done a remarkably poor job of defending a family that clearly suffers so much. The Tillersons should be very disappointed in you, anonymous. You leave them with no choice but to find comfort in their bank accounts.

Dickhead of the Week - The Rainout

rainout
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I don't get to play in that many baseball games each summer. So when I'm up in Vermont and there's a game scheduled, I really want to play. When that scheduled game gets rained out, I'm disappointed.

But today the Rainout went too far. This game was likely to be my last of the season. I had high hopes for redemption. My 0-for-6 weekend a few weeks back dropped my batting average more than two hundred points. For the first time in a long time (perhaps dating back to the early 80s), I'm batting under .200. Because I play in so few games, that 0-for-6 weekend killed my average.

A good game today could've turned everything around. And I was feeling confident. My back had loosened up. For me, it's all about being relaxed but alert, and I woke up this morning ready to go.

But the Rainout has made this impossible. I will now end the season batting .182. My on-base percentage is .250, thanks to a walk and reaching on a couple of errors. But still... .182.

The Rainout has left a horrible taste in my mouth. A taste that could linger for months. A taste that only time, many trips to the batting cage, and a Mets World Series victory can eliminate.

Rainout, your puddles have dampened my spirits. Your mud has slogged into my soul. The socks of my psyche are wet and cold.

Rainout, you are a Dickhead.

Dickhead of the Week - Follow-Up - Ralph Reed

smarmy reed
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Longtime Dickhead Ralph Reed has lost his bid to become Georgia's Lieutenant Governor.

He may claim that's the Holy Spirit shining brightly through the pearly gates of his mouth, but in actuality, that is the final remnant of his soul escaping its vehicle.

Yes, he was on that notorious golf trip arranged by Jack Abramoff. He received money from the gambling lobby via Jack Abramoff. But even without Jack Abramoff, he's a Dickhead. Ralph is widely credited (with much denial on his part) with encouraging the rumors that Senator John McCain had an illegitimate black baby in order to help Bush win the South Carolina primary back in 2000.

Turns out that his fellow Christians have seen him for the hypocrite he is.

At least a small majority has. Ralph "Only the Bible Do I" Reed received 46% of the primary vote, which of course begs the question, "What the hell are they smoking in Georgia?"

Dickhead of the Week - Steve King

steve king
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Steve King is among the many extremists who want to build a wall along the Mexican border. This makes him a Dickhead, sure, but Dickhead of the Week? What separates the good representative from Iowa's 5th District from other proponents of fence-building?

Well, Stevie wants to build an electric fence, because "we do this with livestock all the time."

Yes, that comment makes Stevie "I Heart Sheep" King Dickhead of the Week. Oh, and I'm sure that's not what he meant.

Runner up, by the way, is Pete Coors, who was arrested on a DUI charge. He's another right-wing Dickhead, who ran for Senate two years ago (and lost, thankfully), and whose company is doing a stellar job of fucking up Colorado's environment. On the other hand, his name is on a really nice stadium in Denver, home of the Colorado Rockies. Lay off the Coors before driving home, Coors.

Is a Dead Dickhead Still a Dickhead?

lay
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Proving that the wealthy and connected will consistently get out of doing any jail time for gross wrong-doings, Ken Lay, founder and destroyer of Enron (as well as the countless employees who trusted him), has died of an apparent heart attack, months before his sentencing.

This raises all sorts of ethical questions for me, as a big fan of Lay-bashing. I mean, the man's dead. So there's a certain amount of hypocritical respect to be paid, no?

Obviously, the biggest question of all: Can I consider Ken Lay a Shitbird, even if he never actually spent any time in jail?

Dickhead of the Week - Peter King

peter king
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

There's a Dickhead in these here parts! His name is Congressman Peter "Pistol Pete" King of New York's 3rd District on Long Island. Queens and Brooklyn share an island with the one called Long, and this Dickhead makes me want to swim back to Manhattan. And swimming in the East River... well, that's just gross.

Anyway, Pistol Pete is the New York face to the attack on The New York Times, which had the audacity to do its job this week. The Times reported that the US is looking into international banking records to find terrorists. How dare they report on stuff! The gall!

I don't really have anything to add to the multitudes raving about how the Bush administration is blaming the messenger, and how they have no credibility in their attacks.

But Pistol Pete has asked Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez to investigate The New York Times with an eye toward prosecuting. Come on, Dickhead. We do still have freedom of the press. And one of the jobs of the press is to serve as a check on governmental excess.

Peter King, I'm embarrassed to share an island with a Dickhead like you.

By the way, I'm pretty sure this is a photo of Peter King, even though it doesn't look much like the photo he keeps on his congressional website. Hey, Pistol Pete! Are you feeling a little self-conscious about your graying hair and thickening face?

Oh, yes, we take the cheap shots, too, here at B&E.

Dickhead of the Week - David Glass

glass
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

When a man's actions get me to agree with Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Or Kansas City, as the case may be.

Twenty years ago, the Kansas City Royals were a force to be reckoned with. They were a small-market team that won the I-70 World Series in 1985 against the St. Louis Cardinals. Even though I've always been more of a National League fan, it was hard not to warm up to the Royals teams of the 80s, from my proximity in Topeka.

Enter new(ish) owner, David Glass. Now the Royals are perennial hundred-game losers. It's a sad sight.

The easiest explanation would be, of course, that the Kansas City market can't compete with the likes of New York, Chicago, LA, etc. This is why Major League Baseball participates in revenue sharing and luxury taxes. Small-market teams receive revenue and excessive payroll penalties from teams like the Yankees and Mets, who can afford to pay too much for good players.

George Steinbrenner, who's pretty famous for being an asshole, was against this plan, of course. "What's to keep owners from simply pocketing the money?" he asked, knowing that's exactly what he would do, if given half an opportunity.

The Kansas City Royals payroll was just shy of $37 million in 2005. Yet they received $64 million in revenue sharing and luxury taxes. Where's all that extra money, David Glass? Are you keeping it in your freezer?

But David "Heart of" Glass is keeping up appearances. He introduced a new general manager to the press and got so annoyed by persistent questions about the previous GM from radio reporters Bob Fescoe and Rhonda Moss that he revoked their press passes to the stadium for the rest of the year.

Add to this that David "I've Got No" Glass won the right to buy the Royals, despite offering $24 million less than the other bidder. Oh, and he's also a former CEO of Wal-Mart, who's most famous during his tenure for storming out of a Dateline interview like a petulant child.

Yes, I'm afraid all signs point to Dickheadedness. David "I'm Turning the Royals Into Shards of" Glass, you are Dickhead of the Week.