Bald & Effective

Lesbians Hate Lesbians II: Rise of the Lesbians

2008-07-23T07:11:00.003-04:00

A couple of months ago, some Lesbians brought suit against the lesbians in an attempt to get them to stop using the term that means from Lesbos. Well, the Lesbians lost, a victory for lesbians everywhere.

Not only that, but the Lesbians that brought the suit have to pay the court costs. So those angry Lesbians are also out about $360.

Also relevant to the trial was that thing that all of us in New York know: lesbians are good for the economy...

Several residents testified during the trial that the use of the word lesbian had brought recognition to the island and boosted its tourist trade.

But beware, Lesbians. That's a double-edged sword, because once the lesbians move into any given neighborhood, the locals get priced out. Although there are a lot of lesbians in Park Slope, I suspect that most Lesbians would not be able to afford to buy a home there.

Regardless, go lesbians! Way to put the Lesbians in their place!

Too Many Dickheads to Mention

2008-07-22T07:33:00.004-04:00

Big shocker here. The oil companies are spending their record profits on stock buybacks, thereby limiting the total number of shares available to the public, which in turn inflates the price of the stock. That way, investors in the oil companies have a boatload of stock worth a shitload of money, and they reward the CEOs accordingly, bringing us once again back to my original Dickhead of the Week posting about Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson.

What they're not spending their windfall profits on (or at least not in any form that can make a difference) is exploration of alternative energy sources. Imagine if Exxon Mobil and ConocoPhillips took those bajillions and invested in solar or wind power.

And I don't pretend to know everything about business, but if our move to alternative energy is inevitable, wouldn't it behoove Exxon Mobile and ConocoPhillips to own the shit out of it?

In the meantime, Chuck Schumer has it right: the oil companies are screaming out for a windfall profit tax. Oh, and also in the meantime, they're all a bunch of fucking Dickheads.

What Stood Out This Week - 7/13-7/19

2008-07-19T09:45:00.003-04:00

I can't believe you haven't gone to Iraq! You're pandering to voters by going to Iraq! Stop hitting yourself! So let's see What Stood Out This Week...

The Republican

Remember Phil Gramm, that guy who called us whiners? He's a resigner. He also produced soft-core porn films, but that's totally irrelevant to the party of family values and, of course, the election.

A term that I'm becoming more aware of in this campaign is "surrogate." It seems to be a way for both campaigns to disavow campaign missteps. "No one listens to surrogates," "That surrogate doesn't speak for our campaign." "That surrogate has to give us the baby." Phil Gramm was a surrogate, you see.

Another surrogate says that the Muslims are going to kill us all, so that's nice.

John McCain spent a good chunk of his week going after minority voters, speaking in front of the NAACP and a Latino group whose acronym I can't remember. I can't help but feel that McCain's going after this group of voters for the same reason Obama's campaigning in, say, Texas: it makes one's opponent put resources into getting the "safe" votes. Oh, and Obama spoke in front of them, too.

And then McCain's bold economic solution for the week was to extend the gas tax holiday for a few more months. This is right up there with balancing the budget via victory in Iraq for clear economic thinking.

The Democrat

Barack Obama's making his plans for a world tour. He's pulling a John F. Kennedy and speaking in front of the throngs of Germans, hopefully to tell them that he's some sort of jelly donut to massive applause.

Polls are up and down for Barack, depending on who you ask, when, and where. Sometimes he's leading and sometimes it's a dead heat with McCain. One poll stood out this week: Obama's supporters are more enthusiastic about their candidate than McCain supporters. So the motivation to actually get out and vote leans Obama.

This Week's Argument

John McCain's been hammering Obama for a little while about his lack of visits to Iraq. "How can he expect to lead if he's never been on the ground in Iraq?" Because Iraq visits from political leaders tend to be realistic presentations of what the war is really like for the everyday people of Iraq and the everyday soldiers of the United States.

So now that Barack's planning a trip, McCain says Barack's pandering for votes. What a dick. You can't have it both ways, you big jerk. And anyway, what's this about you missing every vote on Afghanistan in the past two years?

When Barack is actually going is relatively secret for security reasons, but McCain said that he'd be arriving in Iraq this weekend. Now, if he's guessing and he guessed right, McCain's just insensitive. But if he knew the plans and shared that, he's a total Dickhead that just created a security nightmare for the Obama campaign. Either way, shame on you, John McCain.

Barack arrived in Afghanistan this morning, the country John McCain's forgotten about and, if we want to buy into the right-wing framing of the argument, the origin of our "war on terror."

It astounds me that somehow the Republican Party is the party of national security. They've really fucked everything up in big bad ways.

This Stood Out so much this week you've probably already seen it, but if you haven't it will amuse. JibJab's at it again with their latest campaign spoof, and I think it includes the best Obama parody I've seen...

And that's What Stood Out This Week.

Time to Break Out the Fear

2008-07-18T21:23:00.003-04:00

This morning I was doing my regular trolling of the news over coffee when I caught this headline:

Chertoff: European terrorists trying to enter US

My immediate response was, "Of course Homeland Security Secretary Chertoff is saying that. There's an election coming up."

Then I was like, "Oh, come on, Baldy, it's too early in the morning for cynicism."

But there, buried deep into the story were the words that confirmed my suspicions:

Chertoff and other intelligence officials have delivered similar warnings before, and he offered no new information about specific threats or an imminent attack.

I'd like to add, "particularly during election cycles" to that sentence, set off by commas, between before and and. Remember how often Tom Ridge was spewing out warnings during the 2004 election? It was genius.

Later in the day, a friend, sensing my cynical frame of mind perhaps, passed along this local election website from my home state of Kansas (although not from my home town). It offered me a much-needed touch of idealism. And it's a cartoon, or perhaps a comic (for I've never been clear on the difference, although I'm sure Titivil could explain it), but not one that will bring out the (self-)righteous indignation of the recent New Yorker cover.

Even if you don't join the small throngs of people donating to his campaign, his comic/cartoon will make you happy. And who can't use a little happy from time to time?

Roger Clark Is Having a Heart Attack! On Live TV!

2008-07-18T07:23:00.002-04:00

There's some sort of beach volleyball tournament happening in Coney Island this weekend, and Roger Clark of NY1 is covering the story. He's bumping, setting, and "spiking" with a couple of Olympic beach volleyballers (beach volleyball is an Olympic sport, but softball isn't anymore?), while giving his report.

He can't speak. He's out of breath. I'm seriously concerned for his health. Especially in this heat.

I hope NY1 sends an EMT along with Roger for his more physical reporting. Roger, be careful. The missus and I love you tremendously. Don't die on us, please.

Liddy Hates Jesse

2008-07-17T07:15:00.004-04:00

North Carolina Senator Elizabeth Dole made an attempt to honor the late Senator Jesse Helms by adding his name to an HIV/AIDS bill.

Those of us paying attention in the 80s and 90s might remember Jesse Helms as the man who fought tooth and nail against any bill that provided any sort of funding for any sort of HIV/AIDS research, care, education, etc. Jesse Helms believed that the gays deserved the AIDS plague and fuck them for screwing monkeys. Or something like that. It was hard to figure out how that twisted mind of his worked.

So when Liddy Dole added an amendment to the recent HIV/AIDS bill to have it named after Jesse Helms, there was really only one possible explanation: Elizabeth Dole hates Jesse Helms and wants him to spend eternity spinning in his grave.

The bill passed without Jesse's name attached.

That Shit Was Fuggla

2008-07-16T20:48:00.001-04:00

The All-Star Game was long and late, and I didn't stay up to watch the whole thing. But it was amazing to read this morning that Dan Uggla's performance managed to get worse after I went to bed. I saw two errors in the field that nearly cost the National League the game, and at the plate he struck out and hit into double plays at moments in which he could've been the hero.

Well, he struck out again later and made a third error, an All-Star record!

Way to go, Dan Uggla, you poor bastard.

Oh, We're SOOOOOOO Offended

2008-07-15T07:30:00.003-04:00

It's outrageous! Egregious!

Terrorist Obamas--terrorist Michelle dressed like a militant and terrorist Barack dressed like a "Muslim"--doing a terrorist fist-jab in a terrorist Oval Office with a terrorist's portrait on the wall while the terrorists burn an American flag.

A couple days later, and I'm still trying to figure out why anyone cares. People who think it's serious won't be voting for Obama anyway, and people who realize it's satire (and debate whether it's "good satire" or not) think that the people who think it's serious are idiots.

So really: what's the fucking problem?

The All-Star Break Can Blow Me

2008-07-14T08:39:00.001-04:00

The Mets are on a freakin' tear right now, winning nine games in a row, only to be interrupted by the All-Star break. Is there anything Bud Selig can't screw up?

What Stood Out This Week - 7/6-7/12

2008-07-12T09:32:00.003-04:00

How many screw-ups does it take to sink a presidential candidate? Well, that depends. Is your name John McCain? Let's see What Stood Out This Week...

The Democrat

Barack and Hillary are raising money for each other, and nothing unifies like money.

Of course the big story this week--in all of its campaign relevancy--was that Jesse Jackson expressed interest in castrating Obama. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, Reverend.

Apparently, Reverend JJ thinks Obama's getting a little condescending with his talk about responsible fatherhood within the black community. And Reverend JJ believes that the best way to handle it is to remove Barack's testicles.

Castration is a very controversial subject. There are some in the criminal justice system who want to see if it helps keep serial rapists and child sexual abusers from committing their heinous acts. But this is the first time I've heard it suggested for condescension. Boy, that Reverend Jesse Jackson has bold solutions. This is probably why he won the South Carolina primaries in 1984 and 1988.

I was most surprised by his use of nuts, as slang for testicles. Balls certainly would've been more predictable. And I've always been partial to cohones.

But at some point this week, nuts became one of the so-called "seven dirty words." They wouldn't even print nuts in the Associated Press article about it.

I find this very disconcerting, as I'll now have to censor myself when writing about n***s, whether discussing the p****t, a****d, w****t, p***n, h******t, or b****l n*t.

Other than that, I'm convinced that Obama is, in fact, another centrist, and that the progressive movement projected everything onto his blank-slate (and lovely) rhetoric. Still, it's up to progressives to push (pull?) him further to the left on a few key issues. They certainly have a better chance of doing that with Obama than with McCain.

The Republican

John McCain had a very, very bad week, but mostly it seemed like a normal week because he got away with everything. (I read a Ten Things That Should've Sunk the McCain Campaign article on the Huffington Post, so the overarching theme for that sentence is not original. This article confirms the one I linked to from The Nation last week or week before about how much the media loves John McCain.)

Just in this past week...

- John McCain called Social Security an absolute disgrace.

- One of his top advisers said that we're a country of whiners (yes, he insulted the entire country) and that the poor economy is purely psychological (no, his campaign's not out of touch with those actual high gas prices and food costs).

- McCain made the absurd claim that he'd balance the budget, somehow linking it to a victory in Iraq. His own economic team thinks that's a load of crap.

- Upon hearing that Iran's biggest export from the United States is cigarettes, McCain cracked something along the lines of "Great, maybe cigarettes will kill the Iranians." John's wife demonstrated some self-control on his behalf and gave him a poke in the back for that one. McCain consistently dehumanizes the Iranian people, and it disturbs the shit out of me, and he never gets called on it.

Those are a just a few examples of seemingly major campaign fuck-ups that the media is letting slide. If Obama had done any one of those things, the media would've eaten him alive.

And then there was an LA Times article that revisited John McCain John-McCaining his first wife. Um... He had his wedding license with Cindy before he was full divorced from Carol. Go figure that John McCain would have two wives but Mitt Romney only ever had the one.

This Week's Argument

Nothing Stood Out argument-wise this week. They traded some barbs about economics, but the media didn't much care about that. It is, after all, an actual issue of substance, and who wants to hear about that crap?

Well, that's quite a lot for What Stood Out This Week. It's summertime, B&E readers, so go out to the ballpark and eat some p*****s and Cracker Jacks, while in the dugouts, the players and coaches munch on some s*******r s***s.

FISA's Anti-Dickheads

2008-07-11T07:31:00.003-04:00

Obama voted for the FISA bill, along with a wide majority of Senators. Two Senators deserve a shout-out for shouting out against this bill with clarity and conviction:

Russell "Oh, So" Feingold and Christopher "The Days and Nights of Molly" Dodd led a valiant (if doomed) effort to defeat the bill. As covered in The Nation, Russell "That Man Is" Feingold said:

"I don't believe this will be remembered as the 'immunity' bill... [The bill] is going to be remembered as the legislation in which Congress granted the executive branch the power to sweep up all of our international communications with very few controls or oversight."

Pulling from the same article, Chris "Mod" Dodd...

told the Senate, passage of the measure will sanction lawlessness by an Administration that has engaged in "a pattern of abuse against civil liberties and the rule of law [and] against the Constitution."

Well put, you sexy, sexy senators.

And perhaps this is a good time to remind the world (or at least those seven global citizens who read B&E) that Russell "Damn, You Look" Feingold was the only Senator who voted against the Patriot Act. And look, Democrats! He hasn't lost re-election because of it!

How in the hell did the feckless Democrats hand the lame duck Bush such an enormous victory? It's amazing.

Mezzanine Reserved Row D Is Ideal for Rain Delays

2008-07-10T07:38:00.004-04:00

Hey, Mets fans (a.k.a. B&E readers)! The Boys of Shea Stadium are playing like a real team again. They've even won five in a row. I hesitate to say it was firing Willie that got the Mets going, but maybe Jerry Manuel scares the players into doing better.

Last night was another victory, one that featured a half-hour rain delay. My mini-ticket plan is in the mezzanine reserved area about two rows deep under the upper deck overhang. So when it began pissing down rain, we had the perfect seats to enjoy the downpour. It was really satisfying. It's funny the simple things that can make you happy. The heavy rains made me very happy.

Overall, it was a short rain delay, and when the players came back to finish the game, the Mets held on to win. A great evening at Shea, complete with Carvel ice cream.

The Douchebag Report:
Welcome to a new Mets game feature! At most baseball games, one ends up sitting next to a douchebag or two. And we Mets fans are not only no exception, they nearly define the douchebag fan! So why not call them out?

Big douchebags sitting behind us. I didn't hear any gay slurs, but they did spend a good deal of time commenting on how disgusting some of the lady Mets fans looked, and the only time the fucking idiots stopped talking was when a more attractive lady Mets fan sauntered by. And their baseball-related comedic banter wasn't remotely funny. Four out of a possible five douchebags.

No time for a hottie this morning, non-baseball fans.

I'm Totally Glad She Chose Jesse

2008-07-07T22:40:00.004-04:00

After what that rotten scoundrel Brad did to her, Deanna totally deserved to fall in love, and I'm so glad she chose Jesse over Jason. Jason is a totally great guy, but Jesse was totally the right choice for Deanna. Deanna totally makes Jesse tingle, and Jesse totally makes Deanna giddy. Jesse's so fun, and Deanna's so free-spirited, and they both have totally awesome bodies. They're totally perfect for each other, and I just know that they're totally gonna be happy for the rest of their lives.

Oh, It Stimulates the Package

2008-07-06T12:39:00.003-04:00

It seems that many Americans, feeling the pinch of rising gas prices and drowning in their own debt, are using their economic stimulus package money for regular expenses. See, what we were supposed to do is go buy some shit. It's the American way. But we're not buying anything.

There's been one exception: porn. Summer is typically the slow time for porn membership websites, and yet since the stimulus checks went out, their sales have been, uh, tumescent.

Ah, the Republican Party, the party of family values--nay, the party of Jesse Helms! The Grand Old Party's bringing us some Grand Old Porn. Well done, Pubes!

What Stood Out This Week - 6/29-7/5

2008-07-05T08:34:00.003-04:00

He flip-flopped! That's a flip-flop! Go get my flip-flops; we're going to the beach! Yes, it's summertime of an election year. Let's see What Stood Out This Week...

The Democrat

Barack Obama's lack of filibuster on the FISA bill (and vote in favor of it) caused quite a stir on his own community website. All those web activists sure are great until they turn on you. The single largest group on his site now are those who want him to filibuster FISA, i.e. those who disagree with him. Obama emailed a reply to the whole group (and posted it publicly), but I don't necessarily see it helping. Although sometimes people just want to know that they've been heard. I think Obama should filibuster that bullshit too, but he's been disappointing me for weeks already with his shifts to the center.

And in another creep to the middle this week, Barack Obama stated that he's opposed to late-term abortions. I find this upsetting since I think abortion should be legal at least through the terrible twos.

But seriously, folks, running to the center didn't work for Al Gore or John Kerry, so why is it that Democratic candidates, strategists, etc. still believe this is a winning strategy. "But it worked for Bill Clinton!" Did it? Bill ran against two opponents (remember wacky Ross Perot?) and actually was a centrist. He didn't have to run to the middle.

The Republican

John McCain shook up his campaign team this week, hiring an old Bush/Cheney veteran to help him hone his general election strategy. So he really is looking more and more like Bush every day. Will the Democrats pounce? I doubt it. Democrats are feckless and weak.

This Week's Argument

This running to the middle that Obama's doing has written the script for Republican attacks. "He can't be trusted! He's a flip-flopper!" And although I'm not convinced that Obama's actually shifted his stance on troop withdrawal, the McCain campaign is saying that he has. Obama's actually always said that he'd bring the troops home as soon as realistically possible depending on the situation "on the ground," that he'd work with generals to determine a proper time line.

So when Obama reiterated that position this week, the McCain campaign shouted, "We always knew he'd change his position on Iraq! And look! He did!" And the media's buying, because it's easier to believe the accusation than to figure out if it's true.

Meanwhile, John McCain has built an entire career on flip-flopping and somehow gets a free ride. "He's a maverick! He's trustworthy!" Yeah? Fucking prove it.

Oh, and both candidates offered up their definitions of patriotism this week, in honor of our nation's birthday. I didn't read either of them.

And that's What Stood Out This Week.

Back to Bald Basics for the 4th

2008-07-04T12:48:00.004-04:00

Happy birthday, America! And Canada, America's biggest suburb! Now, with socialized medicine! Silly Canadians!

But I had my recent health care experience here, in the United States of America, the best country in the world. Because I have health insurance, and HMOs make health insurance fun!

My primary care physician gave me a referral to a dermatologist for a mole mapping exercise. I always feel a little nervous about the first trip to a new doctor. How do I know this guy (or gal) is any good?

Well, this dermatologist tells you right there in the waiting room with not one but two New York Magazine covers from issues about New York's best doctors.

As I handed in my first-time-visit form, I got a closer look at the New York Magazine plaques on the wall: "Best hair transplant surgeon."

I think maybe my primary care physician, with his full head of near-hippie hair (and occasional leather pants), is trying to tell me something.

(Thanks to "the traveler" for the photo.)

A Water Falls in Brooklyn

2008-07-03T08:16:00.004-04:00

First the telectroscope and now the waterfalls. New York's on a public art kick. Look out!

Some Danish guy who likes making fake weather environments decided that New York City could use some waterfalls. So the Public Art Fund and a bunch of private donors (Look, conservatives! No tax money for art!) got together to spend seven-and-a-half bajillion dollars to execute Hamlet's vision: four waterfalls along the East River, all south of the Manhattan Bridge.

From the Brooklyn Bridge portion of my daily commute, I can see three of the four waterfalls (Governor's Island, Brooklyn Heights, and the Manhattan Bridge). Naturally, the one I can't see is the one at the Brooklyn Bridge because I walk right over it. I thought it might be cool to look at it through the slats on the walkway of the Bridge, but it was decidedly underwhelming.

Which, frankly, is how I feel about the whole endeavor. The rendering posted above for your reference is, after all, a rendering. Maybe if the real thing looked a little bit like that it'd be impressive. As it is, we've got some weak-ass waterfalls trickling over scaffolding in a few locations.

A few years back, Christo and Jean-Claude did their "Gates" project in Central Park. Orange fabric floating along the pathways of the Park. It sounded sort of stupid, but I checked it out. And it was great. It drew people in and built a community around public art. It was aesthetically satisfying, and the experience of being there with New Yorkers and tourists, children and adults, black and white and brown was largely the point of the whole project.

The waterfalls have to be observed from afar. I mean, you can get relatively close to them, but you're never really sharing the experience with other people. At least not where I've been. Yes, they're terrific engineering feats. But all they do is remind me that it's been a while since I've seen a good waterfall in nature.

And maybe that's part of the point. But ultimately the waterfalls leave me feeling unsatisfied, and if that's part of the point, then there's something a little short on the "public" side of this public art.

Best Reason to Vote Obama Yet

2008-07-02T07:09:00.003-04:00

Is it the hope? Is it the change? What's your reason for voting Obama? What's that? Don't have one yet? Well, if hope seems too vague, and you're just a bit too cynical for change, there's finally a compellingly tangible rationale to join the "Vote Obama" movement.

An Obama Administration would rid us of a Baldwin! We would even get to keep the one that's so funny on "30 Rock"! It's one of the other, less useful Baldwins!

More change! Less Baldwin! More hope! Less Baldwin!

Bad Advertising on NY1 - NY1

2008-07-01T07:15:00.002-04:00

Any TV channel does its share of self-promotion. When I'm watching Major League Baseball's Game-of-the-Week on Fox, they do everything they can to convince me that I'm missing out on an amazing program called "Bones."

So naturally, NY1 promotes its other programs: Inside City Hall, On Stage, The Call, and more.

But NY1 also does a little something that I haven't seen on any other channel. NY1 does advertising about its advertising.

They're short little spots, man-on-the-street interviews with New Yorkers who like their bus ads. The bus ads are nothing but the blue NY1 logo on a yellow background with black type. They feature one of three headlines: Congestion Free; Alternate-Side Talking; or No Trans Fat.

Enthusiasm from the New Yorkers-on-the-street varies somewhat. A couple people say the right things (to appear on the ad), but seem genuinely confused. One person says, "I'm gonna look for the whole set!" which is really too bad.

Some might call advertising about advertising fresh or out-of-the-box thinking or "totally meta." I call it stupid and curiously narcissistic.

What Stood Out This Week - 6/22-6/28

2008-06-29T09:19:00.002-04:00

They unified in Unity. Get it? Unity! They're fucking unified, alright? Stop asking! Let's see What Stood Out This Week...

The Democrats

Oh, Unity. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton both received 107 votes in the primary in Unity, New Hampshire, and so what better place for them to show their Unity? To John Kerry it may be ironic; to most of us it's a little obvious.

But hey, I guess it's necessary. I mean, it's seems pretty clear that Barack and Hillary are getting along just fine, but if they don't parade their getting-alongedness in front of the media cameras then it'll be all about how divided the party is. And naturally, the Hillary-got-screwed-we're-voting-for-McCain fringe gets a fair amount of play.

Oh, and Bill Clinton's nowhere to be found yet. He feels like he was treated unfairly throughout the the primary and continues to pout (according to one thing I read anyway). The Obama campaign is all, "Look, people, one Clinton at a time, alright?"

So Hillary and Barack donated the maximum allowed under law to each other's campaign. Nothing says, "I love you" like $4,600 per couple. It's a modern-day swingers party! Obama's helping with Hillary's debt, and Hillary's hooking Obama up with some of her monster donors.

See? Unity!

Also, taking a card out of the Clinton playbook, Obama continues his creep to the middle, stopping short of filibustering the Telecom Immunity bill and stating that he supports the states' rights to use the death penalty for child rapists. I guess Barack Obama doesn't so much have a problem with the death penalty then.

See, now this is why I've never been an Obamaniac, or whatever the hell you want to call those people who make Barack Obama feel more like a cult leader than a political leader. Those on the left are going to find themselves exceptionally disappointed in a man who's never even tried to deny that he's a pragmatist. The progressives have projected a much more progressive ideology on Obama than what he's ever professed. God knows I want him to win. Badly. But it remains to be seen if he'll disappoint my liberal hopes as much as Bill Clinton did over his two centrist terms in office.

The Republican

Apparently, some muckraking LA Times reporter discovered that John and Cindy McCain hadn't paid taxes on their California home in years. So they've now done that, but still owe the penalty for skiving. I guess John McCain also John-McCains his taxes!

Most of my information about John McCain this week came from my perennial favorite The Nation, which had a very nice article (in last week's issue - I'm always a week behind) about McCain's free ride in the media, and outlines very clearly where he's done complete 180-degree turns on quite a number of positions.

I still hear a lot from people I consider well-informed that at least John McCain is a "reasonable Republican." I keep telling them that this is not the same man who was running in 2000. If you still think that McCain's reasonable, please read this article.

This Week's Argument

McCain's chief strategist (the one with the really suspicious lobbying ties to such things as the Myanmar junta) said that another terrorist attack would really help John McCain in the general election. Let's the righteous indignation begin! McCain backed away from his remarks; the Left got offended. I guess it's a pretty stupid and insensitive thing to say. It's also honest and forthcoming, and it's all about creating controversy.

But he's also wrong. If there was another terrorist attack before the election, wouldn't that somehow demonstrate that this fucked up foreign policy that McCain has every intention of continuing isn't working? Hell, man, I even heard something this week about how the Taliban can't accommodate all of the suicide bomber wannabes. This foreign policy has created generations of people who hate us -- people who have nothing and are willing to die to defeat us.

It's time to do some global repairs, and John McCain ain't that guy.

And that's What Stood Out This Week, dear B&E readers.

There Is No Streak

2008-06-28T12:08:00.003-04:00

New York's abuzz with Mets/Yankees games. In their previous meeting this season, the Mets took two from the Yanks at Yankee Stadium and had one rain-out. The rain-out was made up yesterday afternoon, and with the drubbing of nine RBI from aging slugger and occasional fan scapegoat Carlos Delgado, the Mets swept the Yankees at Yankee Stadium for the first time ever. Good times.

Naturally, I attended the night game at Shea, where the Yankees returned the favor and clobbered the Mets 9-0. Ouch.

So whatever mojo I may have had as a fan influencing Mets victories at Shea... Yeah, that's gone.

A side note, relating to Gay Pride Week. Trash-talking is a popular pastime between Yankees and Mets fans, often all in good fun, although as last night's blowout continued, we saw more and more security guards running around to break up fights and kick people out.

So what does this have to do with Gay Pride Week? Well, gay slurs are a frequent trash-talking approach taken by the less imaginative fan. So when, for example, a Yankees fan suggested loudly that Pedro Martinez get his ass off the mound and become a bullpen coach instead (perhaps a decent idea, actually), the inebriated Mets numbnut sitting nearby taunted, in return, "Only when Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez start going out, fucking faggots!"

It didn't really make sense as a reply to the Yankees fan's comment. But "fucking faggot" is really a classic. I mean, it works on so many levels. "Fucking faggot" is to sports taunting what a banana peel, pie in the face, or groin kick is to slapstick. You just don't fix what's not broken. You don't reinvent the wheel of trash-talk.

Oh, did I say "classic"? I meant "classless." When you take the discourse as low as "fucking faggot," you really present yourself as a douchebag, dickhead, cock-knocker, fartmunch, and pigfucker.

In defense of the homophobic Mets fan, he had also bragged loudly that over the course of the doubleheader, he'd downed no less than seventeen beers. The beer man suggested he not tell the beer man that. And the beer man served him number eighteen anyway.

Shea Stadium: All class.

Dude, You Went to Yale

2008-06-28T07:28:00.003-04:00

Some of you may remember the Democratic presidential candidate in 2004, a man by the name of John Kerry. His campaign was forgetful, so if that doesn't ring any bells, just hang in there. The rest of this posting will make sense anyway.

I'm still on John Kerry's email list. His emails tend to be as long-winded and dull as his speeches, appearances, debates, etc. during the 2004 contest. So I usually read the first sentence just to see if I really need to read the rest. Oftentimes, I don't.

Yesterday's email was a minor exception. I read the first two paragraphs. He was discussing the Barack Obama-Hillary Clinton rally in New Hampshire yesterday. He wrote this:

The unity of our Party is on hand for all to see today - in - ironically -- Unity, New Hampshire.

Really, John Kerry? Ironically? I think you mean quite the opposite of ironic. Appropriately, perhaps. Heavy-handedly, probably. But not ironic.

His use of hyphens in this sentence is also confusing.

John Kerry got the best education money can buy. But I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that the concept of irony is lost on him. You can't go through the rituals of Skull and Bones with any sense of irony. If you stripped and howled and fucked a goat with a sense of irony, you might realize how silly your secret society is.

On a separate but related matter, I'm convinced that if John Kerry had managed to win the 2004 election, John McCain would be elected in 2008.

SCOTUS Just Set Up Mitt's Next Run for the White House, Among Other Things

2008-06-26T18:31:00.004-04:00

Commenting on decisions handed down by the Supreme Court of the United States (or SCOTUS as the kids like to call it) can be tricky when you're a layperson, i.e. one who tries in general to abide by the law but does not write, enforce, or interpret the law.

But hey, that doesn't mean I won't give it a whirl.

Limiting use of the death penalty was a pleasant surprise. Before I get into that, though, let me state the obvious, although I really shouldn't have to: I will not, and never will, defend child rapists. But state sponsored murder (i.e. capital punishment, the death penalty, etc.) is wrong in general. So I'm glad the Court found an excuse to limit it. Of course, they've also motivated a bunch of lawmakers who want to expand the death penalty as far as they can. So that's nice. Oh, and Judges Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts were in the minority, ready to sponsor as much killing as possible. Those four are dangerous justices, B&E readers.

Cutting the punitive damages on the Exxon Valdez case? Dick move, SCOTUS. That Alaskan community has been decimated, and although ExxonMobil's recent record profits shouldn't necessarily be considered relevant to the case, they fucking earned the requested $2.5 billion in less than a month last year. Shame on you, SCOTUS. This decision was 5-3, with Alito having to recuse himself because he's sitting on a tanker's worth of ExxonMobil stock. Justice Souter demonstrated his New Hampshire libertarian roots by siding with the majority on this one.

The guns ruling today? I don't really know what to say about this one. Gun owners own guns because they're really fun to shoot. Gun control advocates never seem to factor this into their arguments. I'm a supporter of gun control, but it's an issue I gave up on years ago. So today's decision... Surprising? You tell me: our Vice President shot a man in the face and got away with it.

Then there's this campaign finance case. They made some sort of decision that eases restrictions on rich candidates. Mitt Romney, for example, had to disclose a lot of extra information about his run for the White House because he was largely funding it himself. Apparently, those restrictions were limiting his speech. And here I thought his vast personal fortune was what gave him the platform in the first place. I look forward to having my choice in candidates limited solely to entitled, rich bastards.

It's clear now what the Roberts Court is all about. It's stacked with a bunch of right-wing freaks. Adding a touch of reason to SCOTUS sure would be nice. If anyone out there isn't yet sold on Obama over McCain, please take a long look at Justice John Paul Stevens, pictured above for your reference and enjoyment. He's 88. He's almost out-lived a piano keyboard. I don't know how much longer he can hang on.

On the other hand, he's a Cubs fan, and all those old Chicago guys are determined to see the Cubs' next championship. Jesus, if the Cubs win this fall and Stevens kicks it a happy man, we're totally hosed, SCOTUS-wise.

Which Borough is Gayest?

2008-06-24T12:33:00.002-04:00

Happy Pride Week to my many LGBTQ readers! OK, are any of you actually lesbian, gay, bi, transgendered, or queer? Don't feel like you have to come out on B&E, dear readers, but know that this is a LGBTQ-friendly zone.

To honor Pride Week, NY1 is doing a series of gay features on gay subjects throughout the gay week. This morning, they did a little ditty (dare I say a musical number) on the lesbian enclave of Park Slope. I appreciate living in a city in which the local news channel doesn't fear the gay features.

Turns out, Brooklyn has officially become the gayest borough in New York City. In fact, Brooklyn is home to the fourth largest gay community in the United States, behind San Francisco, the bulk of Massachusetts, and Topeka, Kansas. (I totally just made that list up, in case you couldn't tell.)

Anyway, Brooklyn's the gay borough. But I take issue with that a little. I mean, maybe there are more gay people in Brooklyn, but it's Queens that's actually named after gay people.

The Angry Side of Funny

2008-06-23T07:10:00.004-04:00

My early friends (and family) didn't have much of an edge, so my comedy upbringing was fairly limited. Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor didn't get much play among my people. We got a little Bill Cosby from time to time and a touch of Robert Klein.

And somehow George Carlin sneaked in there. He had the silly stuff that I liked (I remember him talking about drowning Rice Krispies with whole peaches) and the political commentary that my parents appreciated (and that I appreciated later).

One of his albums (and I can't even tell you which one) was on constant play in my college social circle, and it got funnier with every play somehow. His social commentary was razor-sharp. And he was angry, which helped him keep an edge. He stopped talking to my parents and spoke to me.

My dad lamented that Carlin got "too angry" and therefore wasn't funny. But for me his comedy was a welcome coping mechanism for all of the social ills that seemed (and seem) so fucking unfair. And Carlin, the self-described "disappointed idealist," turned that unfairness into biting humor. It was very funny. My dad, for all of his wonderful qualities, didn't handle anger (even funny anger) very well.

I found myself the target of his routine once. He was railing against white dudes who shave their heads. Guilty as charged. I disagreed, of course, but it was still funny.

So no, I didn't much care for waking up this morning to the news that George Carlin died. He was bald (even with a ponytail). And he was very effective.