Happy New Year

To my Jewish reader(s) I'd like to wish a very happy 5769. As French singer/lover Serge Gainsbourg might say, "Bon Annee Erotique!"

If you have any leftover brisket, I'd like some.

Tourists Stink

With my outer-borough lifestyle (living in Queens, working in Brooklyn), I'm not one of those New Yorkers that gets annoyed at the tourists. In fact, I'm fairly convinced that it's because of rich foreigners that New York hasn't seen the brunt of the recession the rest of the country feels (and that we'll now feel with the tanking of Wall Street).

So tourists? No, I don't think they stink in the "stop staring upward and keep moving along the sidewalk" way.

I mean they literally stink.

I cross paths with the tourists nearly every evening on my walk across the Brooklyn Bridge to get the subway home. And those hot, summer walks... well, let's just say that most of the people I walked by gave off the distinct aroma of someone who's been in the hot sun all day.

This body odor thing was something I thought would taper off as the weather cooled, but yesterday evening I noticed more nuance to the stank.

First of all the BO persists. And I'm smelling my own armpits up close, so I'm fairly certain it's not me. It's certain sweaty men (mostly, but not solely men) who are overdressed or somehow unprepared for the hot weather. That, or they just don't believe in deodorant, showers, or both.

Secondly, there's nothing Brooklyn Bridge walkers appreciate more than a tasty cigarette while strolling. Now, in fairness, some of these smokers could be locals. But I walk the Bridge a lot, and there's a big difference between the commuters and the tourists. Largely, the smokers are tourists. You might be surprised to hear that they're often French.

Finally, today, a new phenomenon. I don't know if it was because there was less breeze today or what, but the perfume was so stinky from a half dozen or so different ladies that it was almost deafening.

So tourists, a modest proposal... Come to New York and use your hotel showers. Spend your money at a Duane Reade and get yourselves some deodorant. If you're not used to deodorant, the Tom's of Maine brand is quite mild and comes in delicious flavors.

And ease up on the eau de toilette, eh?

Adopt-a-Team

With the Mets failing to make the playoffs (again) and October baseball just a couple days away, it's time to join the fandom of other teams. So what are the options?

A.L. East Winner, Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays:
Pros: Young, exciting team no one ever expected to stay good all season long, Cliff Floyd. Cons: Florida baseball blows, no more "devil."

A.L. Central Winner, TBD:
The Chicago White Sox and Minnesota Twins are still duking it out over the next couple days.

A.L. West Winner, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim:
Pros: Rooting for winners leads to satisfaction. Cons: Rally monkey, wishy-washy about where they're from (L.A., Anaheim, or California??), "Meh, it's the west coast."

A.L. Wild Card Winner, Boston Red Sox:
Pros: Long history of losing. Cons: They've become the New York Yankees of the A.L. East.


N.L. East Winner, Philadelphia Phillies:
Pros: Long history of losing (more than 10,000 losses!). Cons: I hate the Phillies.

N.L. Central Winner, Chicago Cubs
Pros: Exactly 100 years since their last World Series victory, cursed. Cons: Do we really want baseball's last curse to be broken?

N.L. West Winner, Los Angeles Dodgers:
Pros: Joe Torre, Manny being Manny. Cons: Totally undeserving to be in the playoffs, "Meh, it's the west coast."

N.L. Wild Card Winner, Milwaukee Brewers:
Pros: Haven't been in the playoffs since 1982. Cons: Owned by Bud Selig's daughter.


Usually I pick one National League team and one American League team to root for seriously, with a few teams that I grow to like for no reason. And usually whatever teams I root for lose. So if I've picked your team, you have my apologies ahead of time.

In the National League, I've gotta go with the Cubs. The baseball sentimentalist in me would love to see the Cubs win their next World Series on the 100th anniversary of their most recent World Series victory, even though baseball would be a lesser place if they did. Cubs fans would be truly lost if they won it all. They'd lose their moral centers. Chicago would be a dangerous place.

In the American League, I'm all about the (Devil) Rays. The underdogs have kicked ass all year long, former Met Cliff Floyd is a great veteran presence for all those young kids, and they won a division that included the Red Sox and the Yankees. I mean, come on, people, that's a great story.

My dad grew up in Minnesota, so I've always got a soft spot for the Twins. So I'll be keeping an eye on them over the next couple days to see if they make it to the post-season.

I'll follow my gut for the World Series. I've usually developed some form of attachment to one of the teams, but I don't always know what team that is until I'm watching. In general, I'm a National League fan. It's a superior game to the American League version.

Let's go, [insert team name here]!

Good Message; Too Bad About the Messenger

At my job, we do work with nonprofits. So we keep our eye on things related to nonprofit awareness, fundraising, advocacy, etc. So someone came across the pictured ad for Dutch Cordaid: People in Need.

Pretty effective, no? Instead of buying that extra pair of sunglasses you want but don't need, why not donate much less to help feed a hungry person? It's a good campaign, and it works. There are also versions that feature beer, a handbag, and aftershave.

The campaign was created by Saatchi & Saatchi, and they won a prestigious advertising award for it. Well done.

It is perhaps unfair to pick on Saatchi because, after all, they do a fair amount of work for good causes at, what I hope is, bargain basement rates or no fees.

But please, Saatchi & Saatchi. You sell shit to us we don't need. It's a little tough to take this message from you. I'm sure Cordaid is pleased with the work. But it's seriously hypocritical.

And I'm assuming that the ads don't feature products from your other clients. Because that would be bad business, not to mention a real dick move.

Saatchi & Saatchi: Making you feel bad for the desire we create.

What Stood Out This Week - 9/21-9/27

There will be no debate until I keep the sky from falling! (Oh, crap, my bluff was called.) I kept the sky from falling, and I will therefore debate! Let's see What Stood Out This Week...

Democrat

Dare I say that Barack Obama seemed downright presidential this week? Calm under pressure and all that?

Republican

Dare I say that John McCain seemed like a petulant child this week? Flailing under the pressure and all that?

This Week's Argument

The whole week was an argument, really, leading up to an organized, moderated argument.

First, of course, all these investment banks failed, causing a lot of rich people to suddenly be faced with losing a lot of money, and now the government wants to hand them a lot of money so that they stay rich. Neither candidate has really put forth a good argument in favor or in opposition to this.

But John McCain made all sorts of odd claims that made no fucking sense throughout the week. Including his whole "the debate's off!" thing, which was the strangest attempt to derail I'm-not-sure-what that I've ever seen.

And I gotta say, Obama handled all of McCain's nonsense about as well as he could have. "Um... I think Americans expect their president to handle more than one thing at a time."

OK, so the debate...

Yeah, I didn't watch it. I went out for delicious Thai food instead. I've now watched a few clips. I'm not objective, but Obama mopped the floor with McCain, who looked angry and tense and defensive and petulant and irritated. Obama looked cool, calm, and collected.

Obama engaged McCain, as the rules stipulated, while McCain refused to do that.

Over at Talking Points Memo, one of the commenters had this very fascinating thing to say about the debate, which I will end on because, really, this is What Stood Out This Week...

I think people really are missing the point about McCain's failure to look at Obama. McCain was afraid of Obama. It was really clear--look at how much McCain blinked in the first half hour. I study monkey behavior--low ranking monkeys don't look at high ranking monkeys. In a physical, instinctive sense, Obama owned McCain tonight and I think the instant polling reflects that.

No Deal! No Deal!

I have to admit that I hope no deal is reached today on this government bailout, for no other reason than to back John McCain into a corner with a jarful of pickles.

He'll have to decide if he's going to break his own (baffling) moral code and participate in the debate, or stay away, give Barack Obama tons of free publicity, and make himself look like a chicken. Brrrrrok-bok-bok-bokbokbokbok.

No matter what happens, McCain is a grandstanding moron. I tell you, if it turns out that his antics slowed down the process of this bailout, it should cost him the election.

And yet, somehow, nothing that should cost him the election actually costs him the election.

For example, check out his vice presidential pick on CBS last night.

Guest Post - Baldy in a Battleground - Episode 8

Highly Organized Suburban Women are Dangerous (or The Unfathomable Arrogance of the Obama Campaign)

So the Obama Campaign states that one of its goals is to create community organizations that will last beyond the campaign. The idea is to empower people in their communities and connect them with like-minded people who can work to make a difference in their neighborhoods, no matter the cause.

That's the official idea, and one that I am sure Senator Obama feels very strongly about. As with most ideas, however, the further away this one gets from its originator, the more the execution of this lovely idea goes haywire.

One of the paid campaign staffers said to me, while we were having a discussion about how best to use an existing community organization here in this battleground, that "highly organized suburban women are dangerous."

Dangerous? Like terrorists? I don't understand.

It was explained to me that since they were already organized, they didn't follow the direction of the 22-year-olds on how best to organize themselves.

Right, I said, they're already organized, you see. We don't have to come in and get them organized - they already are. All we have to do is give them tasks, and they will use their existing organization, intelligence, and hard work to git 'er done. They clearly don't need you to tell them how to do it.

Makes sense. Unless you're under 25 and paid by the Obama campaign, and this is your first job out of college, and you have no other job experience, not even from high school, and you seem to have fallen on your head and forgotten that your mother is or was, very likely, a highly organized suburban woman.

But they don't follow the rules, he says.

The rules. Hmmm. The rules of the campaign are to get organized and get Barack Obama elected. Both of these things seem to be important to this particular group of women. It was important to them during the Kerry campaign (for which they are all now snubbed by the Obama campaigners - even though most of the paid Obama staff wasn't old enough to vote in the last election) and they delivered this county to Kerry last election.

So, again I'll ask, what's the problem?

Well, the problem is that highly organized suburban women are dangerous. They have their own ideas about how this should be done, ideas that differ from our ideas.

And who are these women anyway? They're just accomplished career women, who have raised families, whose kids are all in college, who live in the most affluent part of town, who are well connected and pretty much successful in every area of their lives. They can't just decide how to organize themselves without consulting us, The Children's Crusade, first.

But you know they're already organized, right? You know they have done what Senator Obama did right out of college, which is form successful and lasting community organizations, with the best interests of their neighbors at heart?

And so it goes. Round and round. It's a bit like talking to a wall. A brick wall. With acne. Sometimes I just want to smash my head into that brick wall, but then I think about how gross and oily their foreheads are. So instead I just sigh and walk away.

Sigggggghhhhh .......arrgggghghhhhhhhh....siiiiiiiiggghhhh ...arrrggghhhh!

Master Debater

"No debate!" says John McCain. Instead, he has to bring the country together to solve this economic crisis.

First of all, it's being solved just fine without you, someone who has freely admitted that he knows shit about economics.

Second of all, this stunt proves you're willing to play politics with an economic crisis.

Third of all, you're totally calling a time out, just as the big kid in the class is upon you with a dodge ball about to pummel you into tomorrow. And that's totally against the rules.

Fourth of all, Obama's certainly correct when he says that the American people want to hear from their leaders and fully expect their president to have the ability to multitask.

McCain just McCained the debates! How will this not backfire on him?

Finally, on a separate but related matter... I'm on Ralph Nader's emailing list, as I'm sure I've mentioned. He sent this press release out:

NADER CALLS MCCAIN'S MOVE TO POSTPONE DEBATE 'POLITICAL STUNT' SAYS MCCAIN TO BLAME FOR FINANCIAL CRISIS

Senator John McCain's decision to suspend his campaign and participation in the first presidential debate is pure and simple showboating. The Washington DC bailout by Bush and his Congressional allies of the Wall Street crooks and speculators is not dependent on Senator McCain's return to Washington.

He has been an advocate of the deregulation that caused this debacle and offers nothing significant to address it. However, tens of millions of Americans depended on Senator McCain to show up at Friday's debate in Old Mississippi.

They expected him to do so and have arranged their plans to watch him interact with Barack Obama. By turning his back on at least 50 million American voters anticipating Friday's debate, he has dishonored his commitment and undermined the respect which he hoped the American people would accord him during his presidential campaign.

I urge him to restore his honor and self-respect by ending this political stunt and maturely fulfilling his commitment on the presidential debate stage this Friday.

Should he choose to maintain his present, impulsive course and leave an empty chair on the stage, I would be most pleased to take his place as the number three Presidential candidate in the race.

(And just as a final note, I support Nader and Barr's participation in the debates. They're both on a lot of states' ballots, and the people of this country have the right to hear from them. Limiting the debates only to the two parties that already get all the publicity is complete horseshit.)

A Stay With Two Hours To Go

The Troy Davis case down in Georgia is getting some national and international attention, but not nearly enough.

In short, Troy Davis (an African American) was convicted of killing a (white) police officer in 1991 and sentenced to death. Since the trial, seven of the nine non-police witnesses have recanted their testimony, some claiming that the prosecutor threatened to charge them with perjury if they had recanted at the time.

Yesterday, after various parole board and court denials, Troy was two hours from lethal injection when his last channel of hope, the Supreme Court of the United States, put a stay on his execution until they review the case next week.

I freely admit that I don't know much about the case except that there's no physical evidence and that the prosecution won its conviction based on the testimony of the witnesses.

As we know, in recent years, SCOTUS has taken a sharp turn to the right (activist judges, indeed), so I have little faith that they'll overturn the conviction, order a new trial, etc. Call me cynical.

But if there's any doubt at all, how can capital punishment be used to put this man to death?

Wait. Scratch that. How can the state sanction the murder of any individual, whatever the crime? It's fucking medieval.

Naturally, both of our major party candidates for president support the death penalty. That makes both of them more cynical than I am. After all, putting someone to death denies the possibility of redemption on any level.

If you want to read more about Troy and his case, this is his website. I've heard interviews with his sister (the radio program Democracy Now is following the case), and she's fighting this battle and a recurrence of cancer. Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), she's impressive.

It's September: the Mets Suck

We all remember what happened to the Mets last year. (If you don't, just Google "biggest meltdown in baseball history.")

In general, the Mets haven't looked as listless this year as they did last. There have been major chunks of the season in which they appeared to care, and at times they've even been having some fun.

The biggest frustration of the Mets over the past three seasons is that they so clearly have the talent. In 2006, they really felt like a team that would go all the way, and they almost did. In 2007, they squandered their massive talent in spectacular fashion.

Obviously this year's final results haven't yet been determined. They had a three-game lead in the division toward the end of last week, and now they're down two games. So that's a huge five-game shift over about six games. And they still have a one-game lead in the wild card, over the only team floundering just as badly: the Brewers.

But here's the thing about this year... The Mets bullpen just isn't good. Closer Billy Wagner is out with an injury for the rest of this year and next, and the rest of those guys are just fucking tired. Four of them pitch every day.

They might yet make it to the playoffs. But I can't see the Mets making any real run at things. They just don't have the relief pitching. And Johan Santana can't pitch nine innings every day.

So as they go through their mini-collapse, I'm emotionally prepared this year. No need to worry about me, dear B&E readers.

For you non-baseball fans, I offer you Mets centerfielder Carlos Beltran. Check out those pecs! And check out B&E: now 40% gayer!

Vermont Keeps Things Interesting

Political seasons in the Green Mountain State are always worth keeping an eye on. After all, in just the past few years, the state elected a Socialist to the U.S. Senate, and several towns voted to arrest Bush and Cheney for crimes against the Constitution.

Well, in Vermont's most recent election season, the Progressive Party's Attorney General candidate, Charlotte Dennett, has announced that not only will she prosecute George W. Bush for murder, but that she's also chosen the special prosecutor for the occasion: Vincent Bugliosi. Vinnie prosecuted Charles Manson.

Her rationale for such a thing? "Someone has to step forward." The incumbent AG is Democrat William Sorrell, and he doesn't think the position has authority.

We shall see if the voters care about such technicalities.

Fun with Online Polls

NOW is a program of investigative journalism and probing interviews on PBS. For a lot of years, it was Bill Moyers' baby. I guess you would say it leans to the left politically, except that I'm not sure why accurate, in-depth journalism should be considered left-leaning.

Anyway, NOW is doing this poll, asking viewers if they believe Sarah Palin is ready to be Vice President.

A link to the poll was forwarded to me along with a note about how the Republican Party has launched a successful "all-out blitz" to get the right to vote "yes" in order to win some sort of PR victory. At the time the email was written, Palin was at 62% "yes."

You never know how legitimate these internet conspiracy things are, so rather than follow the link in the email, I went to the NOW homepage myself and found the poll on my own. Turns out it has the same URL as the link in the email. So I voted in the poll, and the left's response appears to be working somewhat: at the time of my writing this she's only 52% "yes" to 46% "no."

Feel free to go help ruin a PBS poll if you like. It's fun and easy!

Meanwhile, another NOW poll has Obama leading McCain 90% to 9% on the topic of who's better qualified to handle the current economic crisis. Why doesn't the Republican Party give a shit about that one?

What Stood Out This Week - 9/14-9/20

How many major corporations need to fail, be bought, or be bailed out before we finally get back to real issues during this campaign season? At least five, apparently. Let's see What Stood Out This Week...

The Democrat

If you take any stock in polling, Barack Obama made a modest comeback this week. It's all meaningless, of course, until November 4th.

You see, this week really should validate everything that the left-leaning, sensible economists have been saying about the dangers of deregulation. And one would think that by validating the economists who believe in some form of regulation, this major financial crisis would also be a political boon for the Democratic Party.

Alas, the Democratic Party is just as culpable in this deregulation fraud being perpetrated on the public as the Republican Party. Sure, Obama's advisers didn't actually write the legislation the way that, say, John McCain's advisers did (I'm talking to you, Phil "Nation of Whiners" Gramm). But Robert Rubin, Treasury Secretary under President Clinton (a.k.a. the Overseer of Deregulation Democratic-Style) and Chairman of Citigroup, does happen to be an Obama adviser.

So the Democratic candidate for president doesn't actually have any moral high ground in this argument. Obama finds himself beholden to a party that's pro-free-trade, pro-free-market, and anti-regulation.

Make noise about protecting Main Street all you want, Senator Obama, the political tragedy is that you can't do more to separate yourself from your Republican counterpart because Wall Street money has soiled both parties. And therefore, regular people can't see how the Democrats might help them more than the Republicans because although the Republicans have been fucking the poor, working, and middle classes since pretty much their founding as a party, the Democratic Party has wanted (maybe even needed) to get their grubby paws on that Wall Street money and has compromised itself as a "protector of regular people" in the process.

In other words, from a political standpoint, Barack Obama should've built up an insurmountable lead this week because of the financial crisis, and instead, he inched forward the way that feckless Democrats always do.

The Republican

Meanwhile, John McCain is just fucking lying about everything. And he can't get any of his many false stories straight. And when he lets his true thoughts on the matter come out, he somehow keeps from getting crucified by the press, which is even more feckless than the Democrats.

For example, McCain suggested that we design the health care system after the unregulated financial system, and he made this suggestion after everyone already knew that the government is bailing out Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac, and AIG, that Lehman Brothers is going bust, and that Merrill Lynch is getting swallowed up by Bank of America.

How in the fuck is that a good idea at all, and how in the fuck is he getting away with saying such utter nonsense?

Also in the midst of this crazy financial week, McCain restated that he's in favor of private accounts for Social Security. How that's defensible during one of the worst weeks Wall Street has seen since 2001 is mind-boggling.

McCain also said that he'd fire the Securities and Exchange Commissioner if he were President, a power the President doesn't actually have.

Oh, and he said that the fundamentals of our economy are strong.

And also, because McCain is such a fan of our strong economy and deregulation he's making a populist and totally unbelievable pitch of himself as reformer.

If Obama made one minor gaffe to every dozen or so major gaffes of McCain's, he'd be buggered senseless by the media, but McCain dodders on, like the doddering fool he is.

Meanwhile, Keith Olbermann, the host of Countdown on MSNBC, is donating $100 to charity every time Sarah Palin lies. His total for last week: $3,700. Her two most regular lies: 1) "Thanks but no thanks to that Bridge to Nowhere" and 2) She took a pay cut as mayor of Wasilla. (It was lower to start with, perhaps, but was increased significantly while she was in office.)

And that's What Stood Out (a.k.a. What Pissed Me Off) This Week.

Guest Post - Baldy in a Battleground - Episode 7

Barber Shops and Beauty Salons

In this battleground state, barber shops and beauty salons are considered official places for canvassing. On the ground we have faith coordinators, youth coordinators, and barber shops and beauty salons coordinators.

I found this to be hilarious, and asked (incredulously, I might add) if the whole barber shops and beauty salons thing wasn't a joke. My supervisor's response? You know Obama is black, right?

So then I suppose I should set up shop outside a Popeye's. Or maybe a reggae shop. Oh wait, perhaps a stand that sells watermelon and kool-aid?

September in Queens Can Mean Only One Thing...

Cows!

And just one day shy of the anniversary of the last cow spotted on the loose in Queens.

Apparently, Queens is even more rural than those of us who live there realize.

So Much For Distraction

The Mets were supposed to take me away from the bullshit that is the current presidential campaign, and what do they do? They fall apart.

I attended Sunday's game, which they lost in the 9th inning. And they've been losing ever since. From three games up in the division to down by a half game.

Some say it's last year all over again, but fuck that: it's the goddamned presidential campaign all over again.

And now Fernando Tatis is out for the season. Fernando Tatis??

So what do I turn to now? Easy. Vast quantities of smack. It might still hurt, but at least I won't care. About any of it. Or anything else.

Hello?

Here I am at work, plugging away on one of my tougher assignments, iPod earbuds oozing out the somberly poppy and Norwegian sounds of Sondre Lerche's Faces Down album, and when I look up from my computer, every single one of my colleagues has gone. I'm here totally alone.

That shit will freak you out if it happens unexpectedly.

On the plus side, I believe one of the aforementioned colleagues will be returning with my lunch.

Diversity Reminiscent of Offensive Jokes

Local advertisers understand that we've got ourselves a melting pot here in New York City, so portraying diversity in local ads proves a sensitivity to our many cultures. Or perhaps local industry just knows that they have many target audiences from which to take money.

Large companies will create individual ad campaigns targeted toward the different markets. But what do you do if your budget only allows for the creation of only one campaign or even only one ad?

Easy! You shove as much diversity into that ad as possible!

A pattern is emerging on NY1, everyone's favorite local news station. You get three people. A white dude, an Asian woman, and a black dude. Show them enjoying your product in perfect harmony. Done.

The white dude is sometimes a white woman, if more women use the product than men.

A white dude, an Asian girl, and a black guy are watching TV... A white girl, an Asian chick, and a black dude are going shopping...

Keep an eye out for this pattern, B&E readers, and ask yourself: where are the Latinos at?

It Actually Got Off to a Good Start

I’ve complained on numerous occasions about our local Sunnyside coffee haunt, The Grind. It had been a while since I gave it a chance to redeem itself, so when I needed to clear out of our apartment for a few hours over the weekend, I parked myself.

And it didn’t give me much to kvetch about. At first. The coffee was good (not great), and I got served with efficiency and a smile. These two things have been a problem in the past.

The floor disaster from last year, with the scuffed up polyurethane, has been covered by tile that actually doesn’t look so bad, other than a few cracks here and there.

It was also a pleasure to see that the flat-screen TV wasn’t playing sports (although I guess I wouldn’t have objected to the Mets game, truth be told), and shockingly and pleasantly, there wasn’t any music playing. A number of people were clacking away on their laptops, but other than that and the occasional milk frothing, it was quiet.

Then someone must’ve noticed just how pleasant it was in there because a dude speaking very loudly on his cell phone came over to the mixing board and cranked up the moody electronica. And with it, came the much louder discussions at the various tables.

This sums up my continued experiences of The Grind. They just can’t let well enough alone. They can’t just sell coffee well. They have to try fondue. It can’t just be a neighborhood hangout. It’s gotta have live Christian music or Thursday night open-mic comedy.

One other thing that I don’t think I can blame on The Grind... Where’d all these skinny white people with laptops come from?

A Couple of Bald Updates

Well, my people sure know that I appreciate bald-related items.

A colleague found this here button.


I must say that it sure would be a better button if Mr. Bald felt a bit happier about being bald and for Obama. It would send a positive message to the kids, who are our future, provided we teach them well and let them lead the way.

Quite some time ago, another friend sent me a link to this photo of Cameron Diaz bald.


It's pretty obviously a skull cap, but she looks pretty happy about it.

And then a few days ago, yet another friend sent me a link to this little NPR story discussing how, since the days of the Russian Revolution in 1917, the Soviet Union/Russia have been alternating their leadership between the well-covered and the shiny heads. Lenin, bald; Stalin, haired; and so on through Gorbechev, bald and Yeltsin, haired. Putin they put in the bald column, although that’s a bit of a stretch. He’s thinning, sure, but not bald. His replacement Medvedev has a healthy head of hair.

Meanwhile, in the United States, we haven’t had a bald leader for quite some time, as I’ve written before. Will Ike be our last president elected with an uncovered dome? Gerald Ford was a more recent bald president, sure, but he was also not elected.

In our recent primaries, the baldies didn’t fair well. Giuliani, for example, didn’t win a single delegate on the Republican side. Was it because of his bald head or because he’s a Dickhead?

McCain falls into that curious category of “tweeners.” He’s pretty thin up top, but what he does have he uses to try to hide the bald bits. This obvious sign of insecurity should be a major red flag for voters.

Biden’s hair is the subject of some debate. He’s got nothing on the backside of his head, but upfront, he’s got a thick row of bangs, which flow back to cover the back. I had assumed that he had the male pattern baldness of a friend of mine who’s not receding at all upfront, while the rest of his head continues to expand its baldness. But according to that same NPR story, Biden may have opted for plugs at some point along the way. If that’s true, it’s more suspect even than McCain’s cover-up. Fortunately for the Obama-Biden ticket, I’m not a one-issue voter.

As for our other candidates...

Well, obviously, Barack Obama’s hair is still going strong, although the stress of the campaign has added some gray to the color palette.

And Sarah Palin has the obvious hair-producing advantage of a body chemistry that creates less testosterone than her fellow candidates for high office. But I can’t say I’m a big fan of how she flaunts her thick-haired credentials by beehiving it right in our faces. I mean, really: the arrogance; the sheer arrogance.

What Stood Out This Week - 9/7-9/13

You smell that? Let's see What Stood Out This Week...

Democrat, Republican, Media

It's all been a stinking pile of horseshit. If there is meaning at any point in this campaign, it's been covered by a giant heap of poo. Real issues? Underneath crap. Honest discussion? Below fecal matter.

Bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit.

And that's What Stood Out This Week.

Election Dance 2008

A few years back, I had the privilege of participating in a variety show called "Dog & Pony." I have only my baldness to credit. A friend I didn't know all that well at the time was performing a sketch he wrote, and he needed a bald, roundish face and head to affix baby doll arms and legs to. (It was wonderfully weird and way too complicated to explain here, but pester Virgil if you'd like details. I sure wish he'd write more.)

So Virgil's previous bald head was suddenly unavailable, and I served as a stand-in. Thus began a fun, prolific collaboration that lasted a few active years and sputters occasionally to this day when we find the motivation. I swear to Christ we'll get to that podcast eventually.

Titivil was the host and co-producer for this Dog & Pony show, and today he linked to a reprise of one of my favorite performances from eight (wow) years ago. The original performance, of course, featured Bush and Gore. Today, it features McCain and Obama. (The performers' current sites can be found here (she was also the other co-producer for D&P) and here.)

Nothing about the campaigns has brought a smile to my face for quite some time, but this sure did, and not just because of nostalgia. I hope you enjoy, too.

Remember the Mets? Remember Shea!

I've become obsessed with this election with day-to-day feelings ranging from "it's all going to work out for the best" to "I'm never overestimating my fellow citizens again; hell, I won't even estimate them." My addiction to polls, political coverage, and left-leaning websites is not good for my blood pressure.

So what better respite from the non-stop, unhealthy, and tabloidy election season than the New York Metropolitan Baseball Club?

Thanks to the election I've been writing about my Mets a lot less often lately, but I've still been following along, watching games when they appear on my limited TV channels and heading out to Shea when I don't forget that I've got a ticket.

I've just returned from what could turn out to be my final game at Shea Stadium, since it's being torn down at the end of the season. (There's a slight possibility, if the Mets make the playoffs, that I'll win the opportunity to purchase post-season tickets.) The Mets won a wild one, 13-10.

Shea is an industrial dump of a stadium, which is part of why I've always liked it. It's a terrible place to watch baseball. The Plebeian seats are particularly far from the action, because Shea wasn't created for baseball specifically. The New York Jets played there, as did the Beatles. So in terms of watching the game, the new stadium should be an improvement.

Still, I've got a warm spot in my heart for Shea. I've seen some great games there over the years, and it's been a big part of my life in New York, especially since 2000, when I moved to Queens.

And it's the Queens charm of Shea that I'll miss. The Home Run Apple popping out of that magic hat is dented, cheap-looking, and cheesy as hell. It's also a highlight for its lameness. I'd have been exceptionally disappointed if the Mets hadn't hit a home run at last night's game, and thank goodness David Wright delivered the goods.

I'm not alone in my fondness for the Home Run Apple. The Save The Apple campaign failed and, as announced by the Daily News, there will be a newfangled, fancypants Home Run Apple as part of our newfangled, fancypants stadium.

It's too bad, really. A touch of the old to go with the new would've really added some non-corporate, non-Citibank, genuine Queens mojo to the new stadium.

I'm going to miss that Shea Stadium.

Roger That

Roger Federer beat Andy Murray soundly in the U.S. Open final. The Great Scottish Hope will return, people. Fear not.

Political Buttons

I'd get one if I knew where...

Scotland in the Finals!

The missus and I (and the missus' father) are very excited about the official arrival of Andy Murray to the international tennis stage. Yesterday, he completed a shocking upset over #1 seed Rafael Nadal at the U.S. Open to go to the first Grand Slam Final of his young career.

Now, followers of tennis have been vaguely aware of the temperamental Scot for some time. After all, he is the current #6 player in the world (and will be #4 after the U.S. Open).

But Andy's not what one would call a "crowd favorite" (unless you're a Scot or married to a Scot). His early matches at the Open were played in the Grandstand, since they save Arthur Ashe and Louis Armstrong (who was one hell of a tennis player) Stadiums for the popular kids.

He's a cocky S.O.B., but that's part of the charm. He'll flex his biceps after victories. He's moody as hell, and gets very angry with himself, something those of us who are hard on ourselves appreciate. He states unabashedly that he only plays for himself (and perhaps the Royal Bank of Scotland, his sponsor).

Much to the chagrin of the Wimbledon crowd (especially the well-mannered English, who like their heroes polite), Andy flatly states that the U.S. Open is his favorite tournament. After all, where else do you get to play in front of the stars of your favorite television program (Entourage) and your favorite comedian (Will Ferrell)?

He's not going to feel the pressure of being the first Brit with a legitimate chance at winning Wimbledon in 750 years (or however long it's been). He plays for himself, not for the country. He's not falling into the Tim Henman trap.

The missus and I watched him play at the Open last year, when he was coming back from an injury. He really didn't look good, but the worst part of his game was his head. He muttered "fuckwit" to himself when he'd back bad shots and wallow in the points that could've been. (We had our front-row Grandstand seats and could hear the mutterings.)

And that's been the biggest turnaround in his game. Not only is he 100% physically, but he's also much cooler. He's calm under pressure.

Alas, whether he likes it or not, this evening, Andy plays for the Scots. He may think he plays only for himself, but try telling the missus' father, who speaks to his daughter after every match. We're actually a little concerned about the missus' father's health.

The U.S. Open Final begins at 5:00 p.m. EST. You better believe that I'm rushing home from work to watch Andy take on Roger Federer in the final. This Roger fella is sort of like the Yankees of tennis. So maybe this will be his year to fall.

What Stood Out This Week - 8/31-9/6

You want change? Then vote for the Party that's been in power for the last eight years! Let's see What Stood Out This Week...

The Republicans

It was convention week, so you can review the rest of the previous week's posts for details about that. But in addition to this idea that another four years of a Republican executive branch will lead to the Change We Can Believe In, there was one other idea that doesn't quite jibe with the overall messaging.

The Republican Convention speakers spent the whole week being condescending and nasty toward Barack Obama specifically and the Democratic Party in general. And then John McCain comes out and talks about how he'll reach across party lines to get things done. Go take your horseshit elsewhere, mister.

The Democrats

Obama/Biden kept a low profile this week, although Obama did go on the O'Reilly Factor. I haven't watched it. Jesus Christ himself could appear on the O'Reilly Factor and I wouldn't watch it.

We've got about eight-weeks to go until the election. I sure hope I can take it. In the meantime, that's What Stood Out This Week.

Guest Post - Baldy in a Battleground - Episode 6

The Children's Crusade

My field organizer got fired this week. He's 24. He got fired by the Regional Field Director who's 23. The RFD's boss is 21. And her boss is Abigail Breslin.

Okay, so that last part was a joke, but if you're wondering why the higher up in this campaign you get the younger you seem to be, you're asking a good question.

Not forgetting that Barack Obama is young and has less experience than a person who has been alive since, say, the Civil War, these young whipper-snappers at the top are proving to be a challenge.

Young people are an excellent resource for any campaign for a few reasons:

- They are brimming with optimism.
- They require little to no sleep.
- They have not yet learned the art of saying no for the purpose of self-preservation.
- They are usually not yet established and therefore highly mobile and adaptive.

All good things for a campaign.

Having children run the campaign also has its obvious downsides:

- These kids have no experience in the real world.
- They are brimming with optimism, which goes unchecked.
- They require little to no sleep, so they don't. No sleep equals fried brain.
- They don't know how to say no, so they end up with a workload far greater than what they can handle.
- And since their superiors are even younger and less experienced than they are, they get no help or direction on how to deal with the fact that they have no idea what the fuck they are doing.

Add on to this problem the fact that these are all hired campaigners from out-of-state. They storm into town, all fire and brimstone, but are so young and inexperienced that they don't understand that community building requires more than excitement. Plus, communities like ours don't warmly accept outsiders. Period.

Fuckhead Guiliani, fascist asshole, made a joke of Obama's experience as a community organizer last night at the convention. That Sarah Palin had one of her own, one she's continuing to repeat on the campaign trail.

For now, I'll ignore how foolish it is to make an amusing pastime out of mocking community organizing in the face of lost jobs and abject poverty. Instead, I can't help but think how truly remarkable Barack Obama is. I'm here watching well-intentioned, sincere, and enthusiastic young people flounder on the battleground, trying to do the same thing. I'm also watching them be led by not-so-well intentioned, self-seeking, egotistical young people who are merely looking for a notch on the belt.

From my own experience, which is informed by what I've seen and heard here on the battleground, community building requires a delicate mix of confidence, humility, compassion, empathy, organization, and charm, among other things. The fact that Barack Obama managed to exhibit all of those things at such a young age and with such success is amazing.

It's unfortunate that hundreds of little Baracks aren't running his campaign.

Maybe this is why the right-wingers fear that stem-cell research will lead to cloning. We could totally use a little ObamArmy.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Day 4 - John McCain

I'm not watching. I couldn't take anymore. I gotta watch my blood pressure.

But in the spirit of the last two weeks...

John McCain spoke. He was wrong.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Post-Palin

John McCain copies Barack Obama and comes out to greet his Vice Presidential pick. He'll say a few words. He seeks approval from the crowd for his pick, and he gets it.

Now McCain and the Palins are standing on stage awkwardly. They didn't plan the exit. Whoops. Even Shields thought something else was coming.

Yarnell thinks she went after Obama with "good cheer." Shields mentions the "Bridge to Nowhere," which in her speech she said, "Thanks but no thanks" to. But Shields said she accepted the money. Mmmrrr?

People pleased on the floor of the convention, naturally.

Historians! "It was beat up on Barack night." The unknown is whether she speaks to independents as well as the Rush Limbaugh crowd. One historian pointed out that she and McCain hugged. Ferraro and Mondale never did. Until they lost. Speech going after white women. Overall, good speech, they all agree, if we ever find out what the Republicans stand for, and not just against.

Yarnell doesn't think it's a Limbaugh speech. Shields thinks it was a good beginning for her, but the real test will be on the trail. Shields also thought she got belittling toward Obama, and Yarnell thinks she was light on policy.

But overall, Tracy Flick probably did what she needed to do.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Sarah Palin

And right (far-right, perhaps right-wing) into Sarah Palin. Let's see how she does...

PALIN ACCEPTS! SHE ACCEPTS! SHE ACCEPTS THE NOMINATION! Boy, all those Republican pundits that hate her must be piiiiiiiissed.

She's praising McCain and raising Cain, baby. She's a good speaker so far, I'll grant her that. "COUNTRY FIRST!" EVERYONE DRINK!

Here come the personal details. Let's get to know the Palins. No mention of Michael so far, which is curious. Yeah, she's got a family and they taught her shit. So did the small town. Palin's young daughter was just licking her hand and stroking down her baby's brother hair. So that's cute, if you like that sort of thing.

This community organizing slam is curious. Palin's continued it, stating that it doesn't have any actual responsibilities. More Obama digs. And why not?

"Washington elite"! Oh, she's giving it to us now. Media digs. But the right does love a good media dig.

Now, she's telling us what she's done as Governor. She's building a case here, and I think it's for drilling. She is. Energy independence is more domestic oil and gas. Anything else? Oh, right, nuclear. And there's a small shout out for "alternative" sources.

More Obama digs. An argument against diplomacy. I don't get what's wrong with diplomacy. I think she just slammed civil liberties, too. Well, that's fucked up.

I hate that people don't want to pay taxes in this country. Dude, taxes pay for shit. Live off the grid if you don't want to pay taxes. I like taxes. If I get services, I'm all for taxes.

"Use change to promote their careers or use careers to promote change." That's the line she's been building toward.

Dude, it's 11pm. Is she wrapping this thing up or what? It's been very listenable and all, but this member of the "angry left" needs to go to bed.

Another community organizing dig. Is it just me or is that exceptionally condescending?

What we're not learning much about is what Sarah Palin believes on the various issues. She hates the media and Washington elites and taxes. You got anything else to say on the real meaty stuff? Hello?

Tracy Flick! That's who she reminds me of! That's what I've been trying to figure out this whole speech! It was driving me crazy! She does this thing with her mouth while speaking that Reese Witherspoon did as Tracy Flick in Election. That's it! She's Tracy Flick!

And Palin's done. She did well, I must admit. She won people over tonight. And of course she did. She's Tracy Flick!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Rudy Giuliani

"America's Next Top Model" is over, so now there's nothing separating me from the Republicans. This will be the first time I'll see Romney and Giuliani speak in the same night, so I'll finally find out who I find more loathsome.

Rudy Giuliani really gives bald guys a bad name. He and Dick Cheney are probably the worst bald guys on the planet.

Rudy's bringing out the zingers, and even with an ultra friendly (and right-wing) crowd, he barely gets a laugh. Dude, you're bombing so badly the crowd is chanting "U.S.A.!" instead of listening to you. Wrap it up, buddy! But of course he's less than five minutes into this disaster, so he forges on.

Every speaker is telling the same story about McCain's POW experience. Clearly this is what the Republicans want people to think about when voting. Not the issues, not the shithole that has been the last eight years.

For some reason, "working as a community organizer" gets a laugh. Not sure why. He mentions "Chicago machine politics," which I'm not actually sure means anything. He's talking about "present" votes. Boy, I wish Rudy was a lot less present around New York City.

I think the crowd is chanting, "Zero!" now.

Republicans aren't afraid to attack hard, that's for sure, even if the shit don't make no sense.

OK, so I really dislike Rudy Giuliani intensely, but I think maybe Mitt Romney's worse. It's really like choosing between swallowing four dozen razor blades and administering a porcupine enema, but I think I'd have to go with the porcupine. After all, the razors wriggle their way through one's whole system.

I'm also watching more of Rudy, which makes that porcupine enema all the more slow and uncomfortable.

Is "Drill, baby, drill!" really the Republican rallying cry?

DRINK! SEPTEMBER 11! HE MENTIONED IT! It took a lot longer than I expected, but there it was! Everyone drink!

Oh, Christ Almighty, Rudy... You get ellipses... I'm bored, and as we all know, boredom is a mask for anger...

What kind of roomful of Dickheads cheer for war? Even if you're pro-war, aren't you supposed to treat it soberly and with respect? War! Whoopee!

...

Rudy really loves himself. When he hits an applause line, he soaks it in better than anyone. Good thing that podium is there, because he's hard as a rock right now, if you know what I'm saying.

This guy is seriously the most smug Dickhead on the planet. Repulsive.

Who's questioning whether Sarah Palin has time for family and job? I'm not. Are people? What have I missed?

I think Rudy's wrapping it up. Get that fascist face off stage. Ugh.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Mike Huckabee

Aw, shucksabee. It's Mike Huckabee!

I'm not really paying attention to the lineup tonight. But I just heard him say a bad word about European government, and with a missus from Scotland, well, that shit don't fly so much in our house.

He's railing against "government handouts," but I'd sure like to hear someone talk about the government handouts to corporations.

OK, charming Mike Huckabee's now being a Dickhead, too. Enough of Huckabee.

Yeah, so I refuse to call myself a Democrat, but I am decidedly not a Republican. These fuckin' guys repulse me.

Every single speaker has said, "country first" in their speeches. The goal of a convention is to be on message without seeming overtly planned. Um... This whole thing is really planned out.

And lame.

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Mitt Romney

Romney's a fucking idiot, and that's about all I can say about this Dickhead. Cock. That's about all I can think when I look at his face. Cock. I'm done with Romney.

I actually think I'd rather find out which of the Top Model girls are bigoted against the transgender contestant.

Yeah, I must really hate Mitt Romney, if I want the missus to turn it back to "America's Next Top Model."

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Day 3

The night belongs to Sarah Palin! But first, we get to see the parade of Dickheads, including Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani. I don't know how much of this I'll be able to take. Romney and Giuliani are exceptionally loathsome. In fact, The Wire arrived from Netflix today, and I may try to convince the missus to join me in watching an episode of that. Somehow it's less depressing.

But the missus insists on flipping to "America's Next Top Model." Jesus, this might make me angrier than the parade of Dickheads. Of all the crappy TV the missus could watch, why does this one grab her? I want to slit my wrists now. Judas Priest, this is fucking tedious. Kill me. Someone, please kill me. I don't feel this suicidal watching the Republican National Convention.

Fuck me. There's a second goddamned hour of this shit.

Could John McCain please come invade my apartment and blow me up?

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Joe Lieberman

I think I'm going to go to bed. I don't want to hear Droopy Dog spouting neo-conservative ideas with "can't we all get along?" overtones.

Holy shit. It's been a long time since I've seen Lieberman speak. Probably in 2000 when he was Gore's VP. Yes, he's just as dull as I remember.

He's calling himself a Democrat, but that's just a lie.

OK, time for bed, dear B&E readers! I hope you enjoyed Joe Lieberman!

Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Fred Thompson

Actor and former candidate Fred Thompson's up next. He's on fire. We're prosperous! At least he is! And he's defending Sarah Palin! Oh, Fred loves a crowd. And he just repeated himself.

There are a shitload of white people in that crowd. Damn.

Fred's hitting us full in the face with partisan rhetoric. Liberals and their friends in the media! (Applause!)

More about John's character. Yes, he's got character. All of John's kids are in the military. (Applause!) Cindy! (Applause!) John's mother! (Applause!) John's a rebel! Troublemaker! Leader of the troublemakers! (Applause!) Fred just talked nonsense. (Applause!)

More about John's military service.

Hey! It's Jon Voigt! The Republicans are a bunch of Hollywood elitists!

OK, Fred's going on a bit. Ellipses time...

He's still going on and on... I'm gonna brush my teeth and give you more ellipses...

My teeth are now clean. What'd I miss? Hey, look! It's a black lady! PBS must be done with its coverage of the Republican National Convention. Oh. No. It's still Fred Thompson. They just found one of the only conservative black women in America to put on camera.

We're running out of time for tonight. I though Joe Lieberman was speaking tonight. Fred's going and going and going and Joe's probably backstage going, "Um... Excuse me, please. Don't take my stapler."

Holy shit! He's finally wrapped it up!

Shields and Yarnell? Yarnell likes it. Should've spoken that well for himself when he was running. Shields seems to be giving him a B. Big applause on Obama attacks, so they're more united in their dislike for Obama than their support of McCain. Perhaps. Yarnell says it's a pretty standard Republican speech, theme-wise.

And here's Joe Lieberman!