Vilsack Out

And I'm not implying that he's gay.

Tom Vilsack was the first to be cut from the Democratic Team. Despite batting .089 and being constantly overlooked for pinch-hitting duties, Tom resented that some of the other star players were getting paid a whole lot more than he was.

Yes, it was the money that Tom blamed. But players from Iowa often become coaches, getting behind their favorite players with the hope that they'll end up with a contract in the bigs.

So Vilsack may be cut from the roster, but remaining players will still be looking for some tips.

Maybe they'll be looking to boost their batting averages 89 points.

2008 Presidential Spring Training

We enter the political season with hope. If you're Mike Huckabee, you enter the political season from Hope, just like Bubba Clinton.

But we don't yet know who's playing for what team, and we've got ourselves a shitload of prospects to wade through.

The current roster for Team Democrat is pretty damned crowded:

Hillary Clinton - This veteran will rely on pedigree and the reflected glory of a retired player firmly behind her, which sounds a lot dirtier than it was intended. But can she inspire the entire team? Will her reach for the middle ground compromise her talents on the field? And can she cultivate a fan base from the legions who already hate her?

John Edwards - We are finally seeing the real John Edwards. In spring training he's batting .324. But it's been mostly singles. And while a few of us appreciate the value of the on-base-percentage, at this stage in the game, people want to see some slugging. Without a demonstrative show of power at some point, Edwards is likely to be sent back down to triple-A, where he's spent the last four years fighting poverty.

Barack Obama - No one will forget how, when called up briefly to the majors in 2004, Obama hit twelve dingers in a row during the Democratic National Convention. He inspired. He spoke mightily. Then, later, he showed even more skill with a laid-back chat during which he hit another four home runs one handed. Things seemed effortless for this young player. But he's a rookie. Is he a flash in the pan? Or does he have a Hall of Fame career ahead of him? Some of us are still waiting to see.

Bill Richardson - Keep your eye on Bill. He might surprise some people. He's got a cannon for a throwing arm, and (in spite of his girth) has the speed to steal home. He's also Latino, and we've all seen how much success they've had in the majors. Is he Roberto Clemente or Rafael Landestoy?

Joe Biden - Joe is another player to watch. Especially on those occasions that he hits to the right-centerfield gap and circles the bases the wrong way.

Christopher Dodd - He pitched a perfect game last week. No one cared.

Dennis Kucinich - Dennis is a vegan, and we're not quite sure how he got into the clubhouse.

Mike Gravel and Tom Vilsack - We expect one of these two guys to be the first to get cut from the team. Maybe one of them will have a spectacular spring. But it would take a really spectacular spring for them to get noticed.

Al Gore - Al Gore claims that he's retired. The question remains: Is he retired like Roger Clemens or does he mean it?


The current roster for Team Republican is even more crowded:

Rudolph Giuliani - Rudy took over the pitching duties on 9/11, and promptly became "America's Mayor." But America's Mayor then decided that he should continue pitching for the next several years without a reliever. A moment of brilliance on the mound doesn't make up for the years of choking us New Yorkers are used to seeing.

John McCain - McCain has convinced everyone he's a moderate. One is not moderate just because one is honest. If you look at his career, he's very conservative. He's just honestly conservative. But the religious right thinks he's moderate, which will make it difficult for him to get through the primary. I have no appropriate baseball analogy for McCain. Feel free to post one in the comments section.

Sam Brownback - Former Dickhead of the Week, Brownback is popular among the right-wing zealots. He leads prayer groups in the dugout, prayer groups on the team plane, and prayer groups on the field-of-play itself. If Sam manages to make it out of the primary to lead his Team, I'd like to think that he doesn't have a prayer in winning.

Tom Tancredo - Another former Dickhead of the Week, Tancredo should be a fun player to watch. You can feel the hatred coming off him as he runs around the bases, sucker-punching all the Latino shortstops in the league. His biggest fear is that New Mexicans will cross the border into Colorado. Watch for the late-breaking curveballs.

Mike Huckabee - Most famous for losing 150 pounds, he's also from Bill Clinton's hometown. He claims he's now fit for the majors, but he's got a long way to go to convince those that count.

Mitt Romney - Romney's a switch-hitter. Once pro-choice, now pro-life. Once Mormon, now... not? But his first name is Mitt, which makes him one hell of a catcher. (I don't know, man. I'm losing steam here.)

Others - There are literally about another dozen candidates and potential candidates vying for the top spot on the roster. If any of them become relevant, I'll revisit their lack of presence here.

Holy Fucking Shit!

Rudy Giuliani is running for president! Unbelievable! Totally unexpected! I had no idea! Out of nowhere! Not a single person -- absolutely no one -- saw it coming!

The Three Best Words in the English Language

As we approach Valentine's Day, I feel it's necessary to say a word or two about the three best words in the English language. I'm referring, of course, to...

PITCHERS AND CATCHERS!

That's right, dear B&E readers. Spring Training begins today, with pitchers and catchers reporting. By the end of the week, every Major League Team will be assessing their pitching and catching staffs.

We may be expecting our first substantial snow fall of winter, here, in New York, but my heart is full of warmth with the understanding that actual baseball games are mere weeks away.

Let's go, Mets! Take that odd combination of aged and inexperienced arms and win the division.

Sweet baseball... How I've missed thee...

The Passion For The Blood

On my way to work the other day, I passed a bus that was still promoting the Christmas-appropriate movie, The Nativity Story. Naturally, this got me thinking about Christians.

Through letter-writing campaigns, right-wing media mouthpieces, and the like, Christians put a lot of pressure on liberal Hollywood to make more entertainments that are "family friendly" and "pro-Christian." One would think that The Nativity Story really fits the bill. It's a faithful presentation of the birth of Jesus. For those of you who may not know, it is Jesus Christ (or more simply, The Christ) that gives Christianity its name.

According to my extensive research (at boxofficemojo.com), The Nativity Story brought in a whopping $45,629,831. With its production budget of $35,000,000, one has to assume that New Line was hoping it would perform better than that.

Then there's Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. With its production budget of $30,000,000, it brought in a walloping $611,899,420. One has to assume that Newmarket was pleased enough to hand out some healthy bonuses at the end of 2004.

Families with children of all ages could enjoy The Nativity Story with its family-friendly PG rating. The Passion Of The Christ was handed an adults-oriented R rating.

The two movies portray two of the three most significant events of Christianity - Jesus' birth and death. Christians still need to wait for a new movie to show the resurrection of Jesus.

So what gives, Christians? Why so keen on the death of Jesus, and not so much on the birth?

Could it be the blood lust of the right-wing?

Naaaaah... Couldn't be.

No Longer Gay!

He may have been busted doing meth and getting massages from gay prostitutes, but after a stint in gay rehab (gayhab?), Ted Haggart is no longer gay.

No longer will Ted Haggart fantasize about freebasing crank out of broken light bulbs while getting rubdowns from nubile men.

No more will Ted Haggart think about meth-fueled men while having sex with his wife.

Never again will Ted Haggart be aroused at the thought of a sweaty, speed-induced tryst with a firm-buttocked hunk of the male persuasion.

That's right. Ted Haggart is a straight man. He's only interested in his wife.

And vast quantities of crystal meth.

It Doesn't Matter If You're Black or White

This musical title was sung, of course, by a black man trying through surgery to be white.

Some of you may have noticed that Barack Hussein Obama is both black and a presidential candidate.

Well, the joke's on you. He's only half-black. In fact, a friend told me that the right-wing blogosphere has begun referring to him as "Halfrican."

But alas, this is America, and he looks black, and therefore must be black.

Just don't tell the African-Americans.

Since working full-time, I troll the news sites with a lot less regularity. But a couple things have caught my eye with regard to Obama and his face of many colors.

First, of course, was Joe Biden calling Obama "clean." Naturally, the focus is on the implication that black people aren't clean. Not much has been said about the fact that Biden also called him "articulate," which is a word used for black athletes by white people who can understand what they're saying in interviews. The implications of "articulate" seem more offensive to me than "clean." Though let's face it: both are pretty wrong.

But the other thing I've noticed on the various news sites is that no less than three articles have appeared since Obama made his candidacy announcement with the same premise: Obama can't count on the black vote.

The implication here, of course, is that usually black people blindly vote for black candidates.

I know I'm just a white dude, but I reject the premise. People - yes, even black people - are far more complicated than politicians and political reporters give them credit for being. That this article is news (at least) three times over is almost as offensive as the articulate and clean Joe Biden.

And anyway, if black people always voted for the black candidate, Al Sharpton would've fared a hell of a lot better in his various campaigns over the years.