The Off-Season

You may think there's less to say about baseball when they're not playing the game, but you would be sorely mistaken. The off-season is time for politicking, deal-making, and free-agency. And while following the minutae of contract negotiations might not be as outwardly interesting as the instant gratification of a 450-foot home run, watching the moneymen of baseball go head-to-head has its moments. Agents and players vs. general managers and owners. Assholes across the board. Let the games begin!

The Mets appear to be the big losers this off-season, failing to sign any of the marquee pitchers on the market. Most recently, Barry Zito opted to sign with the San Francisco Giants, even though the Mets were considered front-runners.

There's a stupid headline from the AP today: "Zito Picks the Giants by Instinct." Maybe I'm not an expert on the nuances of free-agency, but I have a feeling that Zito picked the Giants because they offered $50 million more than the Mets, and $27 million more than the next highest offer (which came from the unfortunate Rangers).

My predictions on pitchers have always been terrible. A few years ago, when the Mets traded Rick Reed (who?), I have a vague memory of telling someone, "Boy, that's a huge mistake. I have a feeling he's got a Cy Young Award in his future yet." And last year, I went crazy when the Mets dumped Jae Seo for some mediocre relief pitching. Seo then spent most of his year struggling, while the Mets' bullpen carried them through the season. And while I was correct in being angry about the Scott-Kazmir-for-Victor-Zambrano trade, even retarded monkeys knew that was a bad idea. Somehow the Mets front office were the only ones to screw that up.

So let's just admit right now that, really, no baseball team should leave its pitching decisions to me. I'm a terrible forecaster of pitching prospects.

That said, here are my thoughts on this off-season and some predictions and advice for the next:

- Zito's overrated, and the Mets were right to offer him less than his ridiculous market value.

- Jeff Suppan was a good pass, too. I don't want any right-wing, anti-stem-cell-research motherfuckers pitching in New York.

- Trading Brian Bannister to Kansas City was a mistake. He's going to have a 3.50 ERA for the Royals. But because they're the Royals, he'll also lose 20 games.

- The Mets still have Tommy-Gun Glavine, John Maine (another of my mis-predicted successful trades), and Mike Pelfrey in their rotation. John and Mike will have banner years, each winning 20 games.

- Pedro might be done. He'll return, have a couple of promising starts, and hurt himself again. Then he'll be relegated to being That Great Clubhouse Guy everyone loves.

- Omar Minaya should trade Lastings Milledge and a shitload of cash for Scott Kazmir. Lastings is a hack with a bad attitude. And the only way to shut up the fans and the press about letting Kazmir go is to get him back.

- Aaron Heilman? How about a legitimate shot for a spot in the rotation, for crying out loud?

- Raising ticket prices at Shea was a dicky thing to do, especially since the Mets didn't win the World Series.

We've got about six weeks before pitchers and catchers report to spring training. I'm ready. The Mets Money I got for Christmas is burning a hole in my pocket.

May Your Bald Year Be Effective

I had me some days off of work to hang out with the mom, who came into town with her latest man. I swear to Christ that woman goes through men faster than bears eat honey. Not really, of course, but once in a while I gotta make sure she's still an avid reader. Hell, she might be my only reader.

Anyway, we all had ourselves a lovely Christmas holiday, and took in pretty decent hauls. I'm looking forward to going blind using my new video iPod.

Now I'm back at work again, and the world is minus one James Brown and one Gerald Ford. We can go back and forth and on and on about who had a bigger influence on America and Americans, but the one thing we can all agree on, I suspect, is that never has there been a death-pairing of two more-alike public figures.

Please allow me, dear B&E readers, to take this moment to wish you the happiest of all 2007s. OK, maybe not the happiest, since I'd like to keep the happiest one for myself, but there should be plenty of happy in the world for all of you to have a little happy of your own.

And how about some peace in the Middle East? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on?

Dickhead of the Week - Virgil Goode

goode
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I've been lax about both the posting and the handing out of DotW awards, so I'm doing a quickie.

I'm late to this party, but in fairness to myself, I knew about the story yesterday from a cursory glance at the New York Times, and then read more on Yahoo!. Titivil (link to the right) also added some lovely snark to the festivities.

Anyway, Congressman Virgil Goode from Virginia wrote a letter to constituents stoking their fear of Islam, immigrants, and even interior design. You see, newly elected Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison is the first Muslim elected to Congress. And Virgil Goode spoke (wrote) out against him, somehow linking his election to immigration (mrrr?).

I'm making this quick, but I strongly encourage you to do a search for the story at Yahoo! News, and read Titivil or Wonkette (who's got the letter in its entirety).

The worst part might be the prose of the letter itself. He clearly doesn't have a competent writer on staff. Or his writer is on vacation and he took a little stab at it himself. It's really all over the fucking place.

Hey, Virgil (and in this case I mean the Virgil formerly known as Ballpeen Hammer - link to the right)! This man gives Virgils a bad name. Parry!

In Dickhead-turned-Shitbird news, Tom DeLay now has a blog. TomDelay.com, of course. I haven't yet read his writing because when I go to the website, I can't scroll down past the enormity of his name across the top. Man, even his typeface is full of ego. I'm also tempted to add him to my list of bald links. I'd like to start a rumor that he wears a rug.

All Hail Roger!

Since I rejoined the on-site, full-time work force, NY1 has become an important part of the morning routine in my small Queens home. While I used to be able to go pantsless any day of the week, Weather on the 1s now tells me how warm my pants need to be.

NY1 in the mornings is anchored by a seemingly kind Canadian called Pat Kiernan. It's a trip to get the occasional "aboot" on a New York newscast. The highlight of Pat's morning on any given day seems to be when we "find out what's happening in your neighborhood." Often these Around Town reports are hosted by Roger Clark.

It is at this point that the missus and I call out to one another: "Honey, Roger's on!" I'm not quite sure I can pinpoint why we love Roger so, but if you'll indulge me, I'll try.

Roger seems a bit beaten down by life. An optimist who's hit a lot of pessimistic roadblocks. He tempers his sarcastic sense of humor for his reporting, but it bubbles up occasionally. He often says something funny, but since he's on TV, i.e. there's no live audience, when he doesn't get his expected laugh, he sort of shrugs like, "Another joke down the drain. What do you idiots know?" And he's got a nice, boistrous laugh of his own, too.

I think the NY1 news teams busts Roger's balls in the newsroom. I get the feeling that when Roger is assigned to play water polo at a community college in Brooklyn, complete with water polo swimwear and cap, his colleagues paste video stills of his report in his cubicle with funny little sayings. Based on the recent sexual harrassment suit that's being leveled against some of the NY1 folks, those funny little saying probably say something along the lines of "I WAS IN THE POOL! I WAS IN THE POOL!"

Sometimes, like when he's playing water polo, Roger seems desperately unhappy in his job, but at other times, he is genuinely enthusiastic about his subjects. His report on the reopening of the Russian Tea Room offered this gem, quoting Tootsie (as he was sitting in Sydney Pollack's booth): "Michael, I begged you to get some therapy." His report of the Vendies (food vendor awards): "Holy... That spice really sneaks up on you! I'm gonna be feeling that for a few days! Good, though!" A report about the cold (the one cold day we've actually had so far): "I'm the only idiot in the city today that forgot his gloves." A report on the Yankees, after their playoff loss: "I'm a Mets fan, they're still in it, and yet here I am at Yankee Stadium. What gives? Well..."

[Note: my Roger quotes are paraphrasings based on memories of his reports while getting ready for work, but are presented to offer a flavor of his reporting.]

He does serious reports on occasion, too, and while he's a perfectly competent reporter, I hope NY1 continues to give him the choice assignments. Kind Canadian Pat Kiernan likes asking Roger follow-up questions, too, and I think they're friends. Or at least Pat enjoys Roger almost as much as I do, and I'd like to be Roger's friend.

The missus and I love you, Roger. Keep up the good work. And if you're looking for a raise at any point, the missus and I represent the coveted 29 to 34 year old demographic.

Who's Really in Charge

The missus and I have just returned from Our Nation's Capital, and I can now tell you with certainty: K Street is dominated not by Democrats or Republicans, but by Starbucks.

Considering with God to Consider Some More

Senator Sam Brownback, right-wing Republican from the great state of Kansas, made an announcement concerning a potential bid for the presidency. I do not, however, know what that announcement means exactly.

In his prepared statement, Sam said this: "I have decided, after much prayerful consideration, to consider a bid for the Republican nomination for the presidency."

So, then, the answer to his prayers was to continue to consider? Or is it that if the first consideration was prayerful, this next set of considerings will be done sans prayer? Are you seeking the Republican nomination? Or will you only consider the nomination if it's offered to you?

Dude, if these are his prepared statements, we have a lot of the crazy to look forward to. Happy 2008 election, everybody!