Might Be Spotty

pretty farm
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Dear B&E Readers,

I'm currently at Hall Farm, conveniently pictured for your enjoyment. Although rather than looking like the picture, it's raining like a banshee (yes, banshees rain), and the place is in utter chaos.

You see, it's less than a week before their artist residency season begins, so it's time to finish the beautifying. At the moment, it's mostly just a mess.

I say this because I don't anticipate having much time for regular posting this week. If I did, I might say something about these items...

-- As Phil pointed out, Lastings Milledge (the Mets top prospect) is being called up to join the team because Xavier "Who?" Nady had to get his appendix removed. Looks like I was a bit hasty with the Xady Watch this week. Ah, well. So Who's on the DL, and now we'll get a chance to see if the prospect is all his prospectus says he is. Boy, if he is, I'll gladly retire the weekly Xady Watch. Although it might be fun to have reports from the recovery room... Hey, Who! A guy on the McNeill's Brewers was pitching less than a week after an appendectamy. And he's not getting your salary. I'm not calling you a pussy or anything, Who, but if you're not back on that field by Monday, I'll be considering it.

-- Dickhead of the Week would almost certainly be Senator Bill "Frisky" Frist. Frisky's about to introduce a constitutional amendment based on discrimination. Discrimination against whom, you ask? Well, the queers of course. For when the Right fails at everything else, they need to distract the masses by reiterating their hatred for the queers. Fuck you, Frisky. That's not what our constitution is for. What a Dickhead.

-- And then, out of the darkness, a reasonable Republican comes forth. I'd probably give a special Anti-Dickhead of the Week award to Mayor of NYC, Michael Bloomberg. I've got my issues with the mayor -- millions in contributions to Dubya and bringing the Republican National Convention to our fine city are but two shining examples -- but in his radio address this week, Mayor Mike said he's ready to let gay couples marry. If the court says it's OK, he'll go right ahead and have City Hall get on it. He spoke clearly and eloquently about why he thinks Frisky's move is nothing but assholery (my paraphrase), and believes that the government is in no position to say who can marry and who cannot. Good for you, Mayor Mike.

I'm sure there'd be more, and maybe I'll have some time to touch on those mores, but in the meantime, I'm sanding and painting, sanding and painting, sanding and painting...

I hope you, my fine B&E readers, will understand a brief absence.

Xady Watch - Week of May 29

xady catch
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Not a lot of activity for everyone's favorite player, Xavier "Who?" Nady. He sat out much of this week with back spasms, an ailment that seems to be going around the Mets locker room. Looks like they'll all need to stop sleeping with each other. Boys, just because you play in Queens doesn't mean you have to be queens. There's nothing wrong with boys sleeping with boys, of course, but we need the team to be healthy.

Anyway, the Mets had a solid week in spite of Who's absence. Even with limited playing time, Who's batting average dropped yet again, to .267, still fourth among everyday players (behind Wright, LoDuca, and Beltran) and eighth among all Mets, who have gotten some solid play from the reserves. A special shout-out to Julio "Methuselah" Franco, who is currently batting .300, which is roughly his age.

No home runs this week by Who, and he remains stuck in single-digits at nine.

Step it up, Who! Too many weeks like this one and you're gonna force me to eliminate a weekly B&E feature.

Pandering To My Reader(s)

el duque
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Hollywood Max, this one's for you...

The Mets picked up El Duque, a.k.a. Orlando Hernandez, Cuban defector. In the process they dumped Jorge Julio.

Big fan of this move. El Duque may be 36-on-paper-and-43-in-reality, but Jorge's been a complete bust, and El Duque can't possibly be worse.

Plus, the guy's a legend in Cuba. His shared Cuban defection status with youngster Alay "MC" Soler (a nickname I admittedly stole) can only bode well for the rookie pitcher (whose Major League debut I saw Wednesday evening). El Duque will mentor the young guy. Soler will, as a result, be named Rookie of the Year. You heard it here first!

El Duque's over-the-hill and might not be terribly effective this season as a pitcher. But he's flexible. He can start or relieve. And it seems like every year in the post-season, El Duque's there, making asses out of hitters.

Is it possible -- just possible -- that Omar Minaya knows what he's doing?

On another note, does anyone know when Anderson "Keith" Hernandez comes back? I miss his Batman-like fielding.

Dickhead Watch - The Enron Trial Concludes

layskilling
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

New Shitbirds, B&E readers!

Ken Lay was convicted on all six counts leveled against him. There was also a separate trial with a judge's verdict, concerning four counts of Lay's no-longer-alleged bank fraud. Guilty there, too.

Jeff Skilling was facing 28 counts of fraud, conspiracy, and Dickheadedness, and was found guilty on 19 of those counts.

Sentences for fraud and conspiracy range between five and ten years for each count. These Dickheads face a lot of years in prison.

There is no maximum sentence for Dickheadedness, if you can believe it. You can be found guilty of Dickheadedness and not serve any jail time. Amazing, our legal system.

But they have not yet begun to fight. Appeals. We're looking at years of appeals.

I don't care what happens in the appeals process. These Dickheads will always be Shitbirds in my heart...

Google, Baby. Google!

Dear B&E readers. I implore you to Google "asshole," and hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, rather than the "search" button. It will please you.

Dickhead of the Week - William Jefferson

william jefferson
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Imagine this: another Dickhead nearing Shitbird status. And this time a Democrat!

Congressman William Jefferson, who shares two names wth former president Clinton, has apparently been recorded taking bribes. Oops.

Jefferson's defiant. He promises not to resign even if indicted. Dude. Tom DeLay is almost without argument the Biggest Dickhead of All-Time, and even he resigned.

And, naturally, the Democrats aren't handling this terribly well. As Titivil so aptly pointed out, corrupt Democratic officials manage to be corrupt without the institutionalized help of the corrupt K Street Project funneling millions into the corrupt party. (Titivil also deserves credit for reminding me that Shitbird is the preferred moniker for jailbirds.)

But are the Demo-craps washing their hands of Representative William Jefferson? No. Rather than sending a clear message to the public that the Democratic Party won't tolerate corruption by demanding his resignation, an ethics committee investigation has been requested. Boy, that'll show 'em. The ethics committee has been emasculated for years.

The ethics committee is dead! Long live the ethics committee!

Bribery and corruption aside, John Nichols, writer for The Nation, makes the argument that the Democratic Party shouldn't stand by Jefferson anyway. To paraphrase Nichols in my own vernacular, it appears that Jefferson has been a Dickhead for quite some time, not much more than a corporate crony.

Party loyalty is short-sighted and, well, fucking bullshit. Demand Jefferson's resignation, idiot Democrats. This is but one way to separate your party from the one that calls itself Republican.

52-Second Film Festival: A Reminder

52 Second Card
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Today is Art Day at B&E!

You've got just over one week to go to get your entry postmarked for the 52-Second Film Festival. Films fifty-two seconds in length can be done in much less time than that. You even have the whole of the coming weekend. Enter. You know you want to.

An insider's tip... Chances of winning this year (the Festival's first) are much higher than they will be in the future. If Hall Farm's other programming is any indication, the application/entry numbers will continue to grow each year.

Do it. Come on. Do it. It'll be fun. And all the cool kids are doing it.

Art: A Shout-Out

massive
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

More specifically, I'd like to give a special shout-out to Storm King Art Center, which is a sculpture park about an hour and a half north of New York City.

Storm King covers acres and acres of rolling hills and woods, with sculptures dotting the landscape. The planning is outstanding. Sometimes you arrive at vistas with distant views of many pieces of art, and at other times, you find yourself in the presence of a single piece with little or no awareness of the rest of the world around you.

Public art, particularly outdoor art, might be a little hippie for some tastes, but I'm a believer. What could better than taking a hike through nature while looking at art?

Highlights include pieces by Mark di Suvero (like the one pictured), Alexander Calder, and Andy Goldsworthy. (As an aside, if you haven't seen the documentary about Goldsworthy, Rivers and Tides, put it at the top of your Netflix queue immediately. It will inspire you.)

The only problem with Storm King is that it's not accessible by public transportation. Maybe that helps keep the crowds down.

But dude, the place totally rules.

Xady Watch - Week of May 22

xady card
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

You might be surprised to learn that Google Image searches for "Xavier Nady" come up pretty slim. So here's an autographed rookie baseball card for your enjoyment.

It was not a great week for Who. His batting average dropped thirteen points to .279, placing him in lone fourth place among everyday Mets players (behind LoDuca, Wright, and Delgado). A highlight of the week was the three-run dinger he hit off pitcher Randy Johnson, raising his home run total for the year to nine.

The Mets had a respectable week, even if their starting pitching is struggling a bit. They've extended their lead over the Phillies to three games and still lead their division.

But apparently New York has another baseball team, called (I think) the Yankees. Who knew? Maybe Who knew. Either way, the Mets played three games against these Yankees this weekend and won two of them. I'll keep you posted about these "Yankees" as information comes in.

A Promise Fulfilled

alibeards
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It was a little dark, and I was a tad too far (just like that damned bridge) for my camera's flash to reach the stage, but this gem survived. And I offer it to you, the faithful B&E readers.

That's overall winner, Heinz Christofer, on the right, who flew in from Deutschland to compete. Ja! Toll! Superkuhl!

The Edward Gorey Character got bupkis. That's right -- the judges were not fooled by the head hair. Nice try, EGC.

The non-bearded poser in the middle had sex with both of these men, seconds before this photo was taken. Hence the thumbs-up and ultra-satisfied grin.

We Can Work It Out

I haven't read the article, but Yahoo! News had this headline today...

Feingold, Specter Clash Over Gay Marriage.

As with straight marriages, Feingold and Specter will either work things out or become legally separated.

Dickhead of the Week - James Tobin

tobin
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some of you may have heard about the 2002 New Hampshire Senatorial election -- the one in which the New Hampshire Republican Party jammed the phones of the Democratic Party during their get-out-the-vote campaign. Republican Senator John Sununu won the relatively close election, aided in part by this scheme.

James Tobin, one of the orchestrators, was just sentenced to ten months in prison. After running the successful Senatorial election, he was put in charge of the Bush/Cheney campaign for all of New England. He resigned (oops!) when he became subject to the federal inquiry.

Oh, but it doesn't stop there. Thanks in large part to the fallout from this douchebag's antics, the New Hampshire Republican Party has less money in its bank account than I do (until I pay for my computer repair). And trust me when I say that means it's fucking broke. So the RNC has picked up the legal fee tab. It's almost like they're supporting his illegal activities. No, not "almost like." They are supporting his illegal activities.

But wait, there's more. The investigation is reaching, naturally, into the White House itself. In the midst of the phone-jam, a series of calls were made to the White House from the NH Republican Party. Some are speculating that those calls went directly to Ken Mehlman, now the RNC Chairman. He denies knowing anything about it.

Add this to your list of a half-dozen or so separate (but equal!) scandals resulting from myriad unethical (at best) or criminal actions. And watch the Democrats feebly "fight back."

Pretty soon, I'll need two separate (but equal!) categories here at B&E: 1) Dickhead of the Week and 2) Shitbird of the Week. For now, though, James "Please Suck My" Tobin is both.

Technology Fails Me

Oh, sweet B&E readers. I had a special treat for you today. Last night was the New York City Beard & Mustache Championships, and I took pictures.

Alas, my computer has died again (someone remind me why Macs are better), so my photos will remain on my camera until I once again have access to iPhoto on my own system. I could, of course, paint you a fuzzy picture with my rapier wit and colorful prose.

But, you see, that would take a thousand words, and I don't have time today. Instead I need to go to Tekserv.

You might (at some point) get a lady's perspective on the events over at Ali's. Unless she, too, is waiting for my photos. If that's the case, everyone's screwed.

Nice Goin', Genius

bush1
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So our fair leader addressed the nation last night in an attempt to please everyone with regard to the immigration issue, and, as a result, pleased no one. It's sort of the political equivalent of Lite FM. You play it in your retail establishment because it offends the fewest number of customers, but no one actually enjoys it.

Well, I have a bone to pick with Mr. President. His speech sucked last night. Completely sucked. No, I didn't watch it in real time, and I didn't watch any clips or anything this morning. But it sucked anyway. How do I know?

With three episodes of 24 left, his speech set everything on the schedule back about twenty-five minutes. And so my pre-set VCR didn't capture the episode in its entirety.

It's one thing for the Commander-in-Bush to enact policies that wreck our country, or begin wars that destroy others. But it's another whole thing entirely when he ruins my escapism opportunities.

Especially when we're a mere three hours from the end of the earth, unless Jack Bauer can figure out a way to save us all.

If that's not grounds for impeachment, I don't know what is.

Xady Watch - Week of May 15

nady leaps
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It was a respectable week for our friend, Xavier Nady, whose batting average rose four points to .292. That keeps Who tied for third among everyday Mets players, remaining behind Carlos Delgado and David Wright, and even with Paul Lo Duca, who was the only bright spot in an otherwise disappointing week for the Mets. Who also added a home run to his personal stats, putting him at eight for the year. I should point out, however, that in yesterday's losing effort, Who had a number of prime opportunities to deliver and failed in each of them.

The Mets lost four of six games this week, and they've watched a seven game lead in the National League East dwindle to a single game. The Phillies are on their tails. If history is any indication, the Phillies and Mets will battle it out all season long, and come early August, the Braves will come out of nowhere to take the lead and never look back.

Stupid Braves.

Anti-Dickhead of the Week - Steve Almond

almond
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

For those of you not familiar with Steve Almond, he's the author of several collections of stories, as well as a memoir to which I'm quite partial, called Candy Freak. It's a well-documented look at his love for all things sweet.

Steve's writing is satirical, wicked, and funny. I don't remember where I heard this, exactly, but he's reported to be quite the lunatic in person. Good times.

Well, after five years of teaching writing at Boston College, he's resigning in protest over BC's decision to invite Condi Rice to receive an honorary degree and to be this year's commencement speaker.

He leaves the funny behind in his resignation letter and instead relies on a lucid, cogent clarity that good writers are so good at. Incidentally, I'm guessing Steve would never use good twice in one sentence. He'd probably find a better word than good to use in the first place.

Dude. He calls Condi a liar. Heh. In print. Heh, heh. Oh, thank you, Steve. I mean, obviously, people have called the woman a liar before, but for some reason, it sounds better in his open letter.

Let's just hope Steve's students are inspired to exercise their first amendment rights, as he requests.

[Thanks to Phil for the heads-up.]

Well Done, Richie Rich!

coin
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'd like to give a special shout-out to all the rich bastards in our fine nation for getting their tax breaks extended another couple years (now through 2010!).

You get to hold onto your personal fortunes at the expense of our poor, our weary, our huddled masses. On the plus side, our poor, our weary, and our huddled masses could well soon get deported.

So, rich fucks, I hope you find something worthwhile to spend your extra money on. Go for something flashy, maybe that fourth Hummer for the daughter who's about to turn sixteen. Maybe get a second yacht. One can never have too many boats. Put a down payment on that place in St. Barth's. Go live out your Pretty Woman fantasy.

But don't worry about our increasing deficits, our dying health care system, our suffering public schools, or our nation's poor underbelly.

Whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Just go fuck yourselves. You know, inbreeding. It's what you're good at.

Bible.com

So for that Dickhead Duke post, I admit that I did a Google search for "bible" in order to look up what it was exactly that Jesus said to Satan in the desert after being tempted for forty days and forty nights. I was fairly certain that the classic line was, "Get behind me, Satan." But then my memory questioned the phrasing, particularly in the King James Version, which uses stilted/classic English, and I began to wonder if it was, "Get behind thee, Satan," which, while not making any sense, really, suddenly sounded right to me. Turns out, though, that the phrasing is, "Get thee hence, Satan!" Since that's not nearly as famous a Jesus quote as "Get behind me, Satan," I went with my first hunch. I must've picked it up from Jesus of Nazareth, or Jesus Christ Superstar, or some other televised Jesus movie. Maybe Billy Graham's The Prodigal? Who knows?

Anyway, I ended up at Bible.com, which provides a nifty free service. Many, many translations of the Bible (which I learned in Miss Schaefer's grammar class at Topeka Lutheran School should always be capitalized when referring to "The Holy Book"), and they're all free.

Now I don't know for sure who runs this Bible.com site or what their politics are, although after a quick perusal l have a pretty good guess. But in addition to the free Bible service, there's a whole buttload of commercial activity happening, asking the all important question, "What Would Jesus Sell?"

I was always a big fan of Matthew: Chapter 21, Verses 12-13, in which Jesus clears the merchants and shopkeepers and money lenders right out of the Temple. To paraphrase Jesus:

My web host should be a site of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves!

So there, Bible-dot-com.

Dickhead of the Week - Randy Cunningham

Duke weeps
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Is it fair to name a jailbird Dickhead of the Week? If that jailbird is Randy "Duke" Cunningham, it is not only fair but balanced.

The Duke took bribes and then cried like a toddler about it on national television in a brave demonstration of his true sorrow and regret.

He's so sorry that he's refused to meet with the men investigating further improprieties. Looks like there may be more bribe-taking Dickheads in Congress.

Thing is, there's so much scandal going on in Washington right now, I'm not sure if it's one giant scandal or tons of mini-scandals. Duke's bribe-taking could be completely separate from the Abramoff scandal, which may not be a part of the Valerie Plame scandal, which may or may not be connected to the misuse of pre-war intelligence scandal, which might be unrelated to the domestic spying scandal, which may be completely divorced from the Tom DeLay money-laundering scandal, which might not have anything to do with...

You know what? It's one big scandal. The Devil made them do it.

"Get behind me, Duke!"

The Politics of Baseball

bonds head
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'm no big fan of Barry Bonds. He's a jerk. He's like most jocks that way. I'm rather hoping that he'll fail in his pursuit of Hank's home run record. That the "steroids scandal" seems to be coming down to Did-Barry-Use, however, is exceptionally unfair.

David Zirin writes about sports for The Nation, and he's writing the words I've been waiting to see. The intersection of baseball and politics? I'm already rivited.

Zirin's most recent discusses that Babe Ruth was an asshole, too. That's a link that doesn't require a subscription, but if you don't feel like clicking, here's a little tossed-off aside that comes prior to his bashing the Babe:

Now that the owners have mined their billions from the 1990s home run binge, and everyone has a Congressional hangover, Bonds is persona non grata.

He goes on to remind us that the Babe never faced a single black pitcher. If he'd been competing against all of the most talented pitchers in America, would he have hit so many dingers? Where's his asterisk for institutionalized racism?

Oh, David Zirin, you know just what to say.

A couple weeks back, Zirin wrote an article about the steroids commission. (This one's subscription only, I'm afraid.) Headed by former Democratic Senator George Mitchell, Zirin likens this commission to a solar energy task force headed by Dick Cheney; a software regulation commission headed by Bill Gates. As a director of the Boston Red Sox and chair of the Walt Disney board of directors, Mitchell is hardly impartial. Disney-owned ESPN is the official national broadcaster of Major League Baseball.

But conflict of interest aside, the real issue of Mitchell's selection is that at no point will baseball owners be under scrutiny. Steroids will stop and end with the players. No one will ask if the owners knew. Did they look the other way? Did they encourage steroid use, and how? When Jose Canseco was jabbing himself full of needles in Arlington, the Texas Rangers' primary owner was George W. Bush. Did he know about it and fail to do anything to stop it? Where was your preemptive strike then, Georgie?

Zirin goes on to remind us that of all those guys dragged in to testify as part of the congressional hearings on steroids, not one was an owner. Seven owners were Bush Rangers, having donated $200,000 to his campaign; six more were Bush Pioneers, donating $100,000. If these douchebags are the guardians of the game, where the fuck have they been?

And even more important: Where the fuck has baseball commissioner Bud Selig been?

Zirin ends his tirade thusly:

The best way [for Bud Selig and George Mitchell] to give their probe a "perception of legitimacy" is to actually be legitimate. That means the owners must be questioned about what they knew, and Selig has to go.

Split infinitive aside, David Zirin, I say, "Sing it to the rafters!"

Stupid Liberals

President Bush's approval ratings have hit yet another all-time low. This is a sentence being typed so often by journalists and bloggers that many have created short-cut keys. Sort of like when Roger Cedeno was playing outfield for the Mets, I became convinced that New York sports writers had created a short-cut key for "Cedeno misplayed a routine fly ball, resulting in a triple."

Anyway, Dubya's now at 31% approval. That's pretty low. And yet, nearly one out of three still approve. That's hard to fathom.

But the part of the poll that astounds me most is that 7% of those who self-identify as liberals approve of the job Bush is doing.

What this poll really reveals is that 7% of liberals aren't liberal.

Mahmoud's Letter to George

I'm sure some of you have heard that Iran's leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, wrote a letter to George W. Bush. It is the first letter from an Iranian president to an American president in 27 years. An Iranian spokesman made the announcement, adding, "It's not an open letter," so its contents are completely secret.

But now, a B&E exclusive! I have acquired a copy of the letter, and I reprint it for my loyal B&E readers. Enjoy...

Dear Friend,

I hope my letter meets you well. I am in need of your assistance. My name is MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD, I am the President of Iran, and we have about $65 Million US dollars that we want to move out of the country. My partners and I need a good partner someone we can trust. It is oil money and legal.

But we are moving it through diplomatic means, to send it to your house directly or a bank of your choice using diplomatic courier service. The most important thing is that CAN WE TRUST YOU? Once the funds get to you, you will take your 35% out and keep our own 65%. Your own part of this deal is to find a safe place where the funds can be sent to and kept. Our own part is sending it to your doorstep where the consignment will be delivered to you. If you are interested you will need to give me your full names, an identity, address, telephone and fax number where the diplomat will reach you as soon as he arrives your country and i will furnish you with more details that will facilitate your immediate access to the fund.  But the whole process is simple and we must keep a low profile at all times.

Please reply me with this email for security purposes: israeldoesnotexist@virgilio.it

Thanking you and waiting for your urgent and favourable response.

Regards,
PRESIDENT MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD

Don't give him your bank information, Mr. President! It's a spam letter!

Xady Watch - Week of May 8

nady diaz
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

This week's photo features Xavier "Who" Nady with his spring training competition Victor Diaz. Poor Diaz has been on the cusp of being a regular Met for three seasons. Someone just keeps out-performing him. Then that someone gets hurt, V-Di is perfectly competent as a replacement, only to get bumped from the lineup again when everyone's healthy. Poor V-Di.

But our focus is, of course, Xady, whose batting average dropped to .288 this week. He's third among everday Mets players, behind both David Wright and Carlos Delgado again. He did, however, have one big game, and it was uncoincidentally a game I attended last Thursday. He walked in a run and hit a monster three-run shot against the Pirates to put the game out of reach. That's 7 home runs on the season for Who.

On a personal note, remember how Who began his season? He was batting 1.000 after one game. Well, I can claim the same feat. I played my first game with the McNeill's Brewers in the Connecticut River Valley Baseball League (CRVBL, or curveball) in Vermont. And I'm batting 1.000.

I had to leave the game early, though, and only batted once.

But look out, pitchers! Those 43-foot dribblers down the third base line look the same in the box score as a line drive up the middle, when the batter's got the bald hustle of effectiveness in his being!

Motherhood at 63

So this 63-year-old child psychiatrist in Britain is about to become a mother. This would make her the oldest mom ever.

Frankly, I'd be less concerned that the woman is 63, and more concerned about her being a child psychiatrist. Have you met any children of child psychiatrists? They're fucking crazy. I can say this because some of my best friends are children of child psychiatrists.

Right, so, obviously, there's controversy and shit because she's so old. How will a teenager cope with a senior citizen mother, etc., etc., etc.? Well, the doctor who made all this possible assuaged any fears, telling the press that she's got the egg of a 45-year-old, adding, "The couple love each other, she is slim, blonde and in perfect condition... We are not giving birth to an orphan."

Well, hell. My mom is 63. And she just retired. Conditions are perfect for her to become a mother again. Except, dammit, she's not blond. Time to beef up the highlights, Ma! I think I'm finally ready for a baby brother or sister!

By the way, Ma, thanks again for the Mets money. I used some more last night. It's a gift that keeps on giving.

Dickhead of the Week - Dick Cheney

cheney gun
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

First of all, I'd like to thank those who offered up nominees for DotW last week. We had three -- four, actually -- quality choices. And Dickheads all. Especially the Taylor Law. If a law can be a Dickhead, Taylor is it. Please don't confuse the Taylor Law, however, with Taylor Hicks, the gray-haired fella who's made it to the final four in American Idol.

We're back to predictability in our Dickhead choices, but that Dick(head) Cheney really triggers something explosive in me.

With a straight face -- indeed, with a scowl -- Dick(head) had the audacity to lecture Vladimir Putin about his leadership.

Included among his criticisms are these juicy nuggets:

"...from religion and the news media to advocacy groups and political parties, the [Russian] government has unfairly and improperly restricted the rights of the people."

"No legitimate interest is served when oil and gas become tools of intimidation or blackmail, either by supply manipulation or attempts to monopolize transportation."

Replied Putin, "I know you are but what am I?"

MI-3

m:i:III
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I went to the New York premiere of MI-3 last night, and it was not what I expected. At all.

MI-5 is one of my favorite shows ever, and since this is a prequel, obviously two years before the original takes place, I don't think it was too much to ask that they at least get the stars of the BBC series. Where was Matthew MacFadyen? Where was the dreamiest of all dreams, Keeley Hawes? Michael Ogunkwockomovich? Nowhere to be found. In fact, the role of Danny was being played by a different bald black man, one a lot thicker in the middle than Michael Ogunksgoughshele and with a lesser sense of style.

So, OK, maybe you can rationalize that all those characters were too junior to be in the prequel. Maybe they were still getting their "spook" training or whatever, and that's fine, I guess, but I still expect to see a young Peter Firth and a hot Jenny Agutter lurking about. Nothing.

Instead, they got this total unknown. Tom Something-or-Other, and he was running around like a lunatic chasing some guy that looked like Truman Capote, only with a normal voice. But what was most disturbing was that they didn't even try to do the British accents. It was like Kevin Costner in Robin Hood all over again.

It made for a muddled, confusing film. I mean, what the hell are these American blokes doing in the British secret service, anyway? Very disappointing. When it comes time to do MI-1, MI-2, and MI-4, I hope they'll be a little more faithful to the source material.

Stupid Hollywood.

The Original Japanese Scapegoat

shinjo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Because Mets fans so enjoy dropping boo bombs onto the head of second baseman Kaz Matsui, it's easy to forget the Amazin's first foray into Japanese baseball players.

Tsuyoshi Shinjo was never quite the recipient of fan animosity that Kaz has become, but Shinjo's flailing at curve balls was a spectacular sight at Shea. It makes you wonder if there's no honor in a curve ball in Japan, and he therefore had never seen one before.

Like Kaz, Shinjo looked like a club kid, with spiky colored hair and chiseled good looks. And like Kaz, he had these moments of brilliance that made you think his failings were temporary, even though he consistently reminded you that they weren't.

Anyway, after a couple of seasons playing in America, Shinjo returned to Japan, and I hadn't thought about him since.

Until I perused Deadspin, and found this little ditty.

What amazes me more than anything is that the story they report is strange enough that they don't even mention that Shinjo's wearing a Darth Vader costume at his retirement ceremony.

To that, I say, "Yahtzee!"

Where's the Colbert?

I ran into Virgil at Sunnyside's new daytime coffee hangout, The Grind (the name's still stupid, but I can work there, as long as I listen to my own music), and he remarked at how little press coverage Anti-Dickhead of the Week Stephen Colbert's speech has gotten. For a full-frontal blistering assault less than ten feet from the president's face, it's shocking that the only buzz on the speech has been left to what is commonly (and sillily) called "the blogosphere."

Well, Virgil, you and I aren't alone in our dismay at the lack of coverage. I guess the press doesn't much like being mocked by a comedian. Stupid, hypersensitive, whiny press.

Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News has been on The Daily Show. He's even been moderately funny. Hey, Brian! Cover Colbert! Or does NBC not let pretty boys decide what's on the news?

Xady Watch - Week of May 1

xady2
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

For this week's Xady Watch, I'm featuring a photo from Xavier Nady's days as star of the Portland Beavers in the Pacific Coast League. Take a close look. Can you guess his ethnicity? I can't. Even Who's race is enigmatic.

Another decent week for Xady. The Mets had a couple of successful series on the road, and while Xady's batting average dropped this week from .324 to .311, he added a home run (and it was doozy to beat the Giants), bringing his total for the season to six. Of the everyday Mets players, he now has the highest batting average (Carlos Delgado and David Wright both had what we hope will be short-term slumps this week).

One other item of note: Xady got his first day off on Sunday, as the Mets attempted to sweep the Braves in Atlanta for the first time ever. Without Xady in the lineup, the Mets came up short. Coincidence? Only a full season of following Xavier Nady's exploits -- or "Xploits," as I like to refer to them -- will tell us for sure.

Stay tuned, riveted B&E readers!