Brokeban Mountain

The Bahamas have banned Brokeback Mountain for, according to a liaison officer at the Plays and Film Control Board, "extreme homosexuality," among other things.

Extreme homosexuality. One has to assume that the gayness is strapped to a bungy cord and windsurfing across a sand dune, after basejumping from an aeroplane. Woo-HOO! It's totally gay, dude!

I just hope The Bahamas doesn't ban my love for Russ "Oh, So" Feingold. Please don't, The Bahamas. My love for Russ is pure and tame.

[Another via HuffPo.]

Four More Days, Baby!

metslogo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Monday is opening day at Shea Stadium, and man, oh, Manischewitz, I'm about as excited for baseball as I am titillated by Senator Russ "Oh, So" Feingold, junior senator from Wisconsin.

- At age 63, Tom Glavine is making his 47th opening day start. (Trivia! Tom is wearing number 47 this year in honor of the occasion!)

- The battle for 2nd base seems to have come to an end. Disappointing Kaz Matsui got himself injured, and suspected former-'roid-user Bret Boone (suspected by me only, I think) got himself retired, leaving the job open for slick-hitting Ty Keppinger or slick-fielding Anderson Hernandez. Well, Ty got himself sent down to Norfolk. At a spry age 11, Anderson looks to join his elder cousin Jose Reyes (age 13) to be the middle infield for our Mets until (conservatively) 2060. (Trivia! Both middle-infielders hail from the Dominican Republic, which is a whole country of Catholic Friars!)

- The final spot in the Mets' 5-man starting pitching rotation came down to a fierce battle between college boys Aaron Heilman and Brian Bannister. Poor Heilman can't catch a break. He's been the Mets sixth starter for two years now, but because no team needs more than five, he keeps getting thrust into the bullpen. Maybe Heilman should try raising his bullpen ERA to above 1.00. That might get management to look at him as a starter again. (Trivia! Aaron and Brian thumb-wrestled - with their non-pitching hands - to determine who would be the fifth starter!)

- Pedro Martinez and his Bum Toe both promise to be ready for his first start (English is the Bum Toe's third language, after Spanish and German). Nike made Pedro a special shoe to help the Bum Toe, but God knows this will be an ongoing concern throughout the season. (Trivia! Pedro also hails from the Dominican Republic, which shares an island with Haiti. French-speaking Africans and Spanish-speaking Africans coincidentally settled on Hispaniola simultaneously, and after much confusion, opted to form separate - but equal! - countries!)

- Organic meat-eater and Mets reserve infielder Julio Franco is the oldest player in the league by more than two years. As is the case with most ladies, you shouldn't ask Julio his age. He'll whack you over the head with his purse. (Trivia! The oldest man in the Holy Bible is Methuselah!)

- Left-fielder Cliff Floyd nearly suffered kidney failure during spring training, but his kidneys appear to be working normal-for-Cliff at about 70% now. (Trivia! A great English delicacy is steak and kidney pie!)

- The Mets right-fielder is Xavier Nady. Who's Xavier Nady? Who knows, but I'm sure he's related to that college in Ohio somehow. (Trivia! Ohio has not two but three O's in its name! The third one is silent!)

Yes, 2006 promises to be an exciting year for Mets baseball. Stay tuned all season long for updates. (And trivia!)

Dickhead of the Week - Follow-Up

jack mobramoff
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some of you may recall Jack Abramoff. The man seems to be involved in just about every grand jury investigation in the country. Except maybe the Valerie Plame thing. But prosecutors probably just aren't looking hard enough.

Anyway, he got his prison sentence handed down today. 5 years, 10 months. That was the minimum possible, and the judge went lenient, because he's now singing like a canary in all those other investigations.

In fact, he and his partner in crime, Adam Kidan, aren't beginning their sentences for another 90 days, so that they can continue that lovely canary song prosecutors like so much.

Please, oh, please, oh, please ruin some juicy political careers, Jackie. Please, oh, please...

Meanwhile, he described the fraud case as "incredibly painful." Well, wait until he goes to prison. Somebody get Jackie the Oz DVDs. Now that's painful.

Yowza! Zang! ZzzP-POW!

Dickhead of the Week - Tom DeLay

delay onesie
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

He's back. Oh, yes, he is. He may have been tossed to the side by John "Power Gives Me a" Boehner, but Tom "I Must Get in the Press Without" DeLay isn't letting his indictment keep him from business at hand, which, in his case, is Dickheadedness.

First, Tom "Get My Gun and Don't" DeLay is fighting the (totally unreasonable!) law in Texas that requires an indicted citizen give up his license to carry a concealed weapon. Keeping a concealed weapon in his onesie makes Tommy Gun the second most likely political figure to shoot his friend in the face.

(The photo, by the way, came from the Hammer's own Congressional website. He must be under some kind of delusion that he looks like a badass, not a jackass.)

But Tom "Launder that Cash Without" DeLay is also once again getting a little mouthy. Attacking Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who have not only recently spoken out in favor of an independent judiciary but are also girls, he says that the ladies, "Just don't get it."

He went on to reiterate that there's a war against Christianity, which everyone but the religious right knows is the most ridiculous paranoid fantasy since "Logan's Run."

As part of his argument against an independent judiciary he stated, "There are three branches of government." He is obviously unaware of the irony of this statement coming from a Dickhead like the Hammer, so I will simply observe that no branch of government wears a onesie as appropriately as our (mostly) whiny Congress.

He Was Old

sweden map
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some of you may be aware of my ongoing affair with Sweden. My love for Russ Feingold only temporarily supercedes my passion for Sweden. Quality of life in Sweden is among the highest in the world, but did you know that Sweden also has a great sense of humor? Of course, I might be projecting, as I still haven't actually been to Sweden.

Anyway, I was reading the obituary of a Swedish man I'd never heard of, Stig Wennerstrom, who was 99 years old. Stig had been convicted of spying for the Soviet Union in 1964. Sweden was pretty much the No Man's Land of the Cold War, being neither a part of NATO nor the Eastern Bloc, and boy, Sweden was very cross with Stig for threatening their delicate political positioning. So cross, in fact, that they pardoned him ten years later.

At one point in the obituary, the AP writes that the cause of death was not reported.

Isn't it possible that Stig died from being alive for 99 years?

Lessons from Kansas - Chimeras

chimera
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some statehouses (South Dakota, Mississippi) waste their time making abortion illegal. But the Kansas Legislature got to the heart of the true pro-life issue, proposing a ban on cross-fertilization of human embryos.

No cloning, no embryonic stem-cell research, and no centaurs.

I read this article here [via HuffPo], and got terribly confused, as the story and prose both are all over the fucking place, and now that I know the measure was defeated, I can't even tell you which I think is bat-shit crazier: the measure or its defeat.

Personally, I'm afraid of living in a nation full of Mr. Tumnuses. Those horns and hooves are too Beelzebubish for my taste. But I'm glad that the Kansas House is getting the kids excited to study their Greek mythology again.

A Word About Beards

brandenburg beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Right now, I have a beard (and no, I don't mean the missus). Just about every winter, I grow one. I like the way it balances my bald head, and I find the extra layer of fuzz to be effective against the cold weather.

Well, The New York Times has informed me that beards are the latest trend for hipsters. Terrific. One of the hipster subjects for the article, indeed, works at a hipster magazine in hipster Williamsburg. It was just on Monday that I wrote a few words about Williamsburg, so I'll spare continued thoughts on that subject for now.

stylish beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I've always liked beards. My dad had a beard my whole life, except for a few months while he recovered from hepatitis. My Uncle Walt had a really full beard, and one of my earliest memories is sitting on his lap, and yanking on his beard as hard as I could, while he supplied the much-pleasing yelps of comic pain in between sips of martinis.

In fact, most of my uncles have had beards at one point or another with two exceptions. One is the bitter right-wing uncle, who has never gotten over the beard's association with the sixties (when our whole country went to pot), and the other was the former head of a SWAT team. A beard would have probably slowed him down too much.

spiky beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Those of you that have been following B&E for a while now know of my fascination with the World Beard and Mustache Championships, which I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn was where the accompanying photos were shot.

I was lamenting the NYTimes article to the missus last evening, telling her that this is surely a sign that I should once again be clean shaven. I don't want to be confused with a hipster, you see. But she reminded me of my dream. If I'm to represent America and compete at the World Beard and Mustache Championships, I can't be swayed by a silly journalist who hangs out with a bunch of fuzzy-faced pantywaists, hereby determining that beards are a trend. The Times is merely testing my resolve. I must stay the course. And beard-growing for such a course is a decades-long operation. And the missus has promised to stand by and support me through this arduous journey. My God, but the missus is a fine woman.

wide beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So now I have to rely on my wardrobe to separate me from the hipsters. Since I haven't had the money to buy any new clothes for about five years, I just have to hope that the crappy clothing I do have doesn't come around in style any time soon. It was never really very stylish to begin with, so I suspect I'm safe.

In the meantime, fuck you very much, New York Times. My face is my own; my beard is my own. And I'll have one whether or not you say it's hip.

A Strange Sighting

twins
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Yesterday on the uptown 5 train, I saw identical twins.

The custom of dressing identical twins to be identical in every way has always struck me as strange. And yet, somehow, with children, Doublemint gum commercials, and those Coors models, I can understand the impulse.

These two women were in their 50s, I'd guess. They wore identical outfits - black pants, white shirts, and black leather jacket with the same stitched pattern across the shoulders. Their hair was cut in the same style (long with bangs) and they shared the same dyed black color, except that both had exactly a third of an inch of their brown and gray roots exposed. And I'm pretty sure they were both wearing dentures. Something about the perfection of the teeth, the color of the gums, and the shape of their mouths.

They didn't speak a word to each other the entire time I was around them, on either the platform or the train.

And I was a little freaked out.

Dickhead of the Week - John Boehner

boehner
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It was just a matter of time before a guy called Boehner lived up to his near-phallic name.

When Russ "Oh, So" Feingold introduced his resolution to censure the president for breaking the law through the wiretapping of American citizens, the wimpy Democrats took a few more steps to the right, away from a move marked by its boldness. "What's that smell? Boldness? Take cover!"

The Right, meanwhile, went on the attack, and John "Crap, I'm Losing My" Boehner (who, it should be pointed out, has only been getting in the way of the reforms he vowed to enact if elected party leader) went so far as to say that Russ loves terrorists. (Psst, Boehner... He's also a Jew...) And you're a Dickhead for lowering the political discourse and defaming a super Fein man.

Considering Russ is a lone gunman on this one, the Right got awfully defensive. It's almost like they know the president did something wrong.

Well, in spite of Russ's lack of party support and their fear that his move might somehow damage the party, Senator Feingold's approval ratings are like a sky rocket in flight. Afternoon Delight!

Watch dreamy Russ Feingold's appearance on the Daily Show here. Conveniently enough, Jon Stewart also played a portion of John "I Can't Get A" Boehner's speech, in which Boehner accused Russ of giving the terrorists the reach-around. That wasn't the exact vocabulary used, of course.

Trouble at the SAT's

bubblesheet
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Apparently, the SAT scoring issues reported at the beginning of March are worse than the College Board originally suggested. Now they're saying more than 4,400 test scores have been affected.

I feel bad for all those 17 and 18-year-olds, going through the stressful college application process, only to get dicked around by the College Board.

But I'm cracking up at the thought of all those admissions offices at all those colleges scrambling around because they put too much stock in standardized test scores.

A couple years ago, the SAT's took a stab at being more relevant by adding an essay portion of the test. But, apparently, scoring has more to do with length than quality. So a smart kid who can make his astute point in one hundred words gets a lower score than the dumbass who needs five hundred words to make the same point.

Hey, admissions offices! Take a page from my alma mater. Sarah Lawrence (Isn't That a Girl's) College no longer asks to see standardized test scores. They actually have an application process that allows admissions officers to get to know the students individually. Imagine that.

Stupid SAT's. I bet if the SAT's took the SAT's, they wouldn't even get the three hundred points for getting their name right.

That Sound Is the Pitter Patter of My Heart

Oh, Sweet Russell, you put the tit in titillating with your fightin' words and northern midwestern charm.

[Observer link via the Huffington Post.]

Look Out! That Kitty Has a Knife!

CIAcat
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some of you may recall the killer dolphins let loose by Hurricane Katrina. Well, rest assured, this debacle was barely a hiccup in the Pentagon's animal warfare plans.

They're working on so many multi-legged, many-finned armies that a few missing Flippers is like dropping a couple pennies down a sewer drain -- no point in even going after them.

Be sure to check out the Animals in Warfare sidebar. Man, working for Darpa sounds like fun.

World Champions

Japan flag
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Japan defeated Cuba 10-6 in the World Baseball Classic finals. Japan had two players on their roster who play in the United States' MLB. Cuba, obviously, had none, although at Havana's "Hot Corner," it is argued vigorously that the Cuban team would dominate if Contreras hadn't defected. And to the Yankees at that (although it was with the White Sox he won his ring).

So if Major League Baseball can no longer claim to have the best players on the best teams in the world, can they continue to call their championship "The World Series"?

God knows the U.S. is well-known (and respected!) for its enormous arrogance. But the World Series is more than 100 years old now, and as a creature of habit and a fan of baseball in all its glorious history (segregation anyone?), I'd hate to see them change the name. Maybe they can rationalize it more and more as players from around the world populate the Major Leagues.

Yeah, that's it. You can keep your World Baseball Classic. The United States is still home to The World Series, suckas.

The Hipster Grind

grindext
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

On Friday evening, I met a friend in laughably-hip Williamsburg, Brooklyn. (Before I continue my assault on Williamsburg and Williamsburgers, let me add a caveat for those who've lived there for years. They are, obviously, the exceptions or, dare I say as the marketers do, the "key influencers." As for the followers...) Almost everyone in Billyburg looks like an independent filmmaker, and yet I think perhaps they're all too concerned with cultivating their image to spend time writing, directing, and/or producing films.

On my way to Williamsburg, where I feel like telling the inhabitants that they don't really live in Brooklyn, I noticed balloons swinging in the breeze, marking the opening of The Grind, Sunnyside's first coffee-based cafe. I'm not much of a drinker, which can pose a problem in an Irish neighborhood, so I embrace a place I can linger with my caffeinated drug of choice, even though I think The Grind is a dumb name (not as dumb a name, however, as their specialty drink - The Bump and Grind - a cup of coffee with an added shot of espresso; it sounds good, but I will never utter the words "bump and grind" in a coffee context).

grindint
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Since moving to the neighborhood six years ago, I've lamented Sunnyside's lack of "the finer things." But it's a trade-off I've been willing to live with to keep our 'hood under the radar. I'll travel for French food, the annual massage, and attractive companions. We've always had good coffee beans in the neighborhood (the organic java at the Middle Eastern Baruir's is spectacular), but haven't had a place to linger and enjoy that coffee, beyond the confines of my sofa. So while I welcome The Grind and its fairly dumb name, I hold onto hope that Sunnyside won't become Williamsburg.

I was pleased to see a schlubby old dude eating a waffle at The Grind on Saturday morning. I don't want to drink coffee where a schlubby old dude doesn't feel comfortable. One thing I've always loved about Sunnyside is its diversity and the cheap cuisine that comes with it. It was a relief seeing the place peppered with our local Koreans, Latinos, and Irish, and not just the non-immigrant whiteys.

grindview
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

But really, Sunnyside's transition to Hipsterville will continue to crawl at its current pace, I suspect, because of Queens Boulevard. You can put as many cute boutiques and art galleries as you want on the Boulevard of Death, and it will still be the same enormous thoroughfare that it is today. The elevated 7-train will dominate our landscape, preventing the street from turning into Bedford Avenue. Someday, I suppose, the masses could consider the wasteland of Queens Boulevard part of Sunnyside's charm. I sure do. Without Queens Boulevard, after all, we wouldn't have greasy spoons like the New Post (not to mention the murders that happen inside) or the late-night taco cart, two of Queens' finest institutions.

But I wait to see what happens on our cursed block. My prediction: Now that someone in the neighborhood has determined that we are hip enough to support a sit-and-linger coffee shop, when that new retail space opens up in its prime mid-neighborhood location, a Starbuck's will appear. Hopefully, the curse will doom the mighty Seattle chain and allow The Grind to thrive.

Harumph for Humphrey

Humphrey
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Humphrey the Cat first came to Number 10 Downing Street under the reign of Margaret Thatcher.

Rumored to be a flea-ridden serial bird killer, Humphrey was apparently not appreciated by the current inhabitants of Number 10, as can be seen by the forced smile on Cherie Blair.

Read this for a full obituary in today's Guardian UK.

Humphrey is dead! Long live Humphrey!

Haven't Talked Baseball in a While

WBC
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I haven't been paying close attention to the World Baseball Classic, not because I'm uninterested. Quite the opposite. But my lack of cable television keeps me from being able to see the games. So I get reports.

The superstars of the USA team? They got eliminated. By Mexico. I blame NAFTA.

Meanwhile, the South Koreans are undefeated in the tournament. A whopping six-and-oh. Their pitchers have been outstanding, posting a 1.33 ERA for the tournament. One of their standouts is former Mets pitcher, Jae Seo. His performance confirms the idiocy of the Mets trading him. It's gonna bite them in the ass, I just know it. And it kills me. KILLS me.

And no, I'm not just being dramatic.

Dickhead of the Week - Franklin Graham

franklingraham
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I was hasty. A headache was making me cranky and I lashed out at our dear friend Mister Softee. As penance, I shall purchase a twist with chocolate dip.

Our real Dickhead this week is Franklin Graham. You may remember the Harley-riding son of Billy calling Islam an evil, wicked religion in the wake of the 9/11 attacks. It was unforgivable then, even when he attempted to give his comments a context that wasn't there originally with his follow-up editorial in the Wall Street Journal.

Well, this week Franklin Graham "Cracker" stood by his original comments, stating that he hasn't changed his mind about Islam.

While some evangelicals avoid hate-mongering in this way, Pat Robertson, ever the voice of reason (and this week's Dickhead Runner-Up), elaborated on Cracker's statement. "These people are crazed fanatics, and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power. It is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with... The goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is world domination."

I won't get into the hypocrisy of Pat bringing up world domination in the context of faith. Instead, I'll just point out that, apparently, when Jesus Christ says, "The greatest of these is love," evangelicals think the savior is being sarcastic.

Dickhead of the Week - Mister Softee

mistersoftee
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

There's still time for someone to usurp this week's Dickhead award, but for now, Mister Softee, everyone's favorite portable dairy company, wins.

It's 40 degrees Fahrenheit here in Sunnyside, Queens, with blustery 60 mile-per-hour gusts causing wind chills well below freezing.

But Mister Softee has determined that it's time to start the jingle. "It's mid-March, dammit, and people are jonesing for their chocolate dip. Fire up the bells and get the trucks a'rolling."

We've got a headache over at B&E today, Mister Softee. And you are, quite literally, a Dickhead.

In Further Praise of Mighty Russell

William Greider offers his own praise of sexy Senator Russell Oh-So Feingold. Not only does he state the case with more eloquence than I do, but he sounds considerably less gay.

Anti-Dickhead of the Week - Russ Feingold

feingold
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Generally, I focus on the negative. It makes for funnier reading. But Yahweh bless Senator Russell Feingold from the great cheese-eating state of Wisconsin.

My desire to have an affair with Russell "Oh, So" Feingold has only increased with the idiotic Democratic Party's cool reception of Russ's call for censure.

But like Jack Murtha before him, he's not shutting up just because he lacks party leader support. Instead, he's attacking the Democrats that cower to a president who would lose to Marge Schott in a popularity contest.

Oh, sweet, sweet Russell. Speak loudly in those dulcet tones. Shout the truth. Then take your choice of cuddlemate. For the world of women, men, and everyone in-between yearns to embrace the fire in your belly and all those fleshy bits around it.

Stay the Course

Dubya's strategy for the war in Iraq has consistently been to stay the course. If yesterday's speech is any indication, he's giving the same directive to his communications team. Seriously, hasn't he given that speech before?

Cowards Again

Sorry, I mean, still. Russell "Superfine" Feingold wants to censure the president, and rightly so. As expected, such a bold move has received major applause from Democratic Party leaders.

Oh, wait, no it hasn't. They're all running as far from Russ as possible, as if he's responsible for the stench emanating from politics these days.

Well, Russell, you strong, attractive man. I heartily embrace you. I cuddle close to you and run my fingers through your Jewfro, even as cropped close as your image demands it to be. I'm a straight man, and I want to make sweet, sweet love to you, Russell Feingold. Back that shit up over here...

A Miracle or Two

JP2
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's been a few months since I last discussed JP's fast-track to sainthood, but I think I've done it twice.

I'm not sure of the complete set of requirements for sainthood, but I do know that you need to perform two miracles to be in the running.

Well, the AP is running a story entitled, "Did Pope Perform Miracle After His Death?" Apparently, a woman with Parkinson's was cured of the disease two months to the day after JP's death, and everyone in her village had been asked to pray to JP to cure her. Doctors have no medical explanation for her cure, and the Vatican is investigating whether or not this can, in fact, be considered a miracle.

I say it's not just one miracle. It's two miracles: 1) the cure; 2) the reach from beyond the grave.

Hey, Catholics, a modest proposal: canonize JP. "The Patron Saint of Badassedness."

Bees and Money

bumblebee
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's midnight on a Sunday (now Monday, of course), and I've spent the majority of my weekend working on a grant application for the National Endowment for the Arts. It's a big, complicated application.

The only break I've taken was to participate in a board meeting, during which we talked about the grant. OK, there was more to the meeting than that, but let's just say that this grant has taken over my life. And I can't think about anything else, no matter how much I try.

Tomorrow (later today, now), I put it in the mail and forget about it, until the end of November, when we hear whether or not we get the sucker.

In the meantime, if someone asks me to work on another NEA grant in the next few months, I have my reply:

I'd rather chew bees.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Stronger

NEA
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Oh, please tell me it's so, dear B&E readers...

The news didn't stop during my spring break, but the internet connection did. Here are a few shortened ruminations that might have otherwise been commented upon, if you'll indulge:

- North Carolina beaches sure are nice in the springtime. I like a good dolphin sighting, and watching birds take headers into the ocean to go fishing makes for some good rocking-chair-on-deck entertainment.

- There's always baseball news... Kirby Puckett passed away. I was always a big fan of the pudgy centerfielder. Bummer about the glaucoma, the sexual harrassment lawsuits, and the early death... A new book informs us that Barry Bonds took steroids. Holy shit! Really? You know what else? The man's an asshole... In the World Baseball Classic (how can a first-time event be a "classic"?), our fair neighbors to the north beat the star-studded US team. What the f was that aboot?

- Dickheads. Oh, yes, there were Dickheads... Sunnysider proposes a good option in the previous post. Nice call, Sunnysider, if that is indeed your name... Jack Abramoff gets some Dickhead notice this week as well. No links, as my computer is freezing these days when I try to do too much, but read the New York Times for his paying-for-access-to-Bush plan, and his ridiculously souped up vehicle. What a Dickhead... Three shitbird Dickheaded teens were arrested in Alabama for burning a boatload of churches to the ground. Anything vaguely reminiscent of the KKK gets more than a handful of Dickhead points... It's also worth noting that a military contractor in Iraq, Custer Battles, was found guilty of perpetrating $3,000,000 in fraud against the US. Custer Battles is named for two dudes: Custer and Battles. If you put this shit in a movie, the writer would get panned for making it too easy. In real life, however, the men are Dickheads.

- The Oscars were on. They're all about self-congratulation, as we all know, but the self-congratulations reached a new low when the head of the MPAA touted the film industry's success at employing 600 people on film sets in New Orleans. Way to go, Hollywood. That shit'll make all the difference. Phillip Seymour Hoffman did not bark like a dog, tease that he is.

- I've returned to a looming grant deadline for the National Endowment for the Arts. I feel for the NEA. To avoid the negative PR of controversial artists, they no longer offer grants to individuals. Instead, organizations such as my employer fight through the bureaucratic nightmare that is their grant application. Man, oh, man, oh, Manitoba.

How were all of you this week?

Carolina On My Mind

Off to the Carolinas for a few days. I've no idea if there will be a means to connect to the internet(s) while there. Keep a lookout for the Dickheads for me.

And don't forget to go to Hank's on Monday! Country karaoke! Oh, the humanity!

It's That Time of Week Again

Yes, it's time for the Democratic Party Women's Vote Center Week in Review email!

With South Dakota and now Mississippi passing bills making abortion illegal, the Democratic Party Women's Vote Center has put this issue at the top of its email for this week.

Oh, wait, no it didn't. Instead it sent out a fluff piece about March being Women's History Month. Gee, let's take a look at how great women are.

Dude. I love women. I'm married to one of the best ever. I have the coolest sister in the world. Some of my best friends are women. I even love my mother; she's a neat lady. So I'm not against pointing out the accomplishments of women. It's a fine thing to do. Women are great.

But more so than in decades, a woman's right to choose is under attack, when a clear majority of Americans believe that abortion should be safe and legal. And there's exactly one veiled reference to the issue, and for the love of Pete it comes from a man. Howard Dean writes, "We will continue to fight to protect a woman's right to make her own personal health care decisions."

There you have it: The head of the Democratic National Committee has taken the words "pro-choice" out of the abortion debate.

Man, the Democratic Party can't even preach to the choir correctly.

Dickhead of the Week - Michael Chertoff

chertoff
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Most of the bad news of late implicating our Dickhead-in-Chief places Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff squarely on the right side of the president. And I've never named him Dickhead before. It's time.

I'm still feeling too scatterbrained to get into it. So enjoy these further distractions...

Here in New York, when things go bad, we turn to guns and red meat. These things are finally being properly marketed together. If we can just figure out how to incorporate vast quantities of drugs and hours upon hours of therapy, it will be the New Yorkiest experience in the world.

If you've ever been burned by love, you'll probably appreciate this short film. It's the production value I like best.

I do happen to believe that the two distractions above are also related to the original intent of this here posting. I'm just not quite sure how yet...

Distracting You

Some of you may have noticed that I'm ranting less this week. I've been scouring all my regular news sources for this week's Dickhead, and I think I may have figured out why I'm having difficulty choosing one. It's not so much that there are too damned many Dickheads, although many Dickheads there are. It's more that they all lead to one man: our Dickhead-in-Chief.

My own internal B&E rules keep me from naming our Dickhead-in-Chief Dickhead of the Week. Dickheads, in my view, are the lackeys, the ones who do the Dickhead-in-Chief's bidding or peform Dickheadedness on a local level, you know, less important Dickheads, but Dickheads nonetheless. All the news this week, however, leads right into the office of the Dickhead-in-Chief, and it's getting difficult to put the Dickheadedness upon the underlings. But I will stick to my guns and resist breaking my own rules, for without rules, there is chaos.

In the meantime, let's talk about Brokeback Mountain. Not Brokeback Mountain, specifically, but the public's attitude toward Brokeback Mountain. The New York Times has an article about how men's writings along the lines of I-don't-have-a-problem-with-people-being-gay-but-I-don't-want-to-watch-two-cowboys-getting-it-on has waned (Larry David actually wrote quite a funny one on the Times op-ed page when the movie first came out). In their wake, however, Brokeback trailer parodies are everywhere. Some are even funny. DailySixer has a bunch. My favorite (so far) is Brokeback to the Future.

Also, another anecdote, you know, just to keep you from noticing that I'm not writing anything of substance...

Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Capote director Bennett Miller have known each other since they were teenagers. Back then, when they were fantasizing about winning such things as Oscars, they made a pact with a third friend that the first to win an Oscar would have to bark his acceptance speech like a dog, and continue until they get hauled off stage. Boy, here's hoping...

Hank's - A Shill

broncrider
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

My part-time employer is having a fundraising event on Monday, March 6 at Hank's Saloon in Brooklyn (at Atlantic and 3rd Avenues). Everyone in the New York City area should go. It'll be fun. I promise.

It's country karaoke. With a live band. What could possibly be more fun than that? There will be giveaways, raffles, prizes, and beer. There are details, including a downloadable song list, here.

Have a honky-tonkin' good time. YEEEEEE-HAAWWWWW!