So I Never Did Find That Damned Cable for My Camera

bookshelves
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The missus and I have been considering moving into a larger apartment, as we've got far too much crap for our current one. The only trouble is that a recent influx of hipsters has made our previously under-the-radar neighborhood desirable to outsiders, causing local rents to jump a tad out of our reach. Our current place, on the other hand, is rent stabilized. So we're doing what we can to make the current place inhabitable.

Sunday and Monday were spent putting together a giant book case. It's not the one pictured, as that one is outside and useless to us, but it's huge and holds a lot of books. Almost floor-to-ceiling and wall-to-wall.

It also was holding a lot of books when half of it collapsed Sunday night. Good times.

Monday I woke with a migraine in my bald head, which made me ineffective all day, while the missus put books on the repaired bookshelves. We're now certain they will have no problems. (A quick shout-out of thanks to Virgil and Ian for their help in designing and doing the labor outside the skill set of me and the missus.)

This evening, the missus will return home from her job to a new bed frame and drawers, which I put together today.

Our apartment, like life, is a process. And isn't that a fucking deep thought. Shut up.

In the Meantime...

I've got a photo that partially explains my absence online yesterday, but now I'm having a difficult time finding a cable for my digital camera. So while I look for that, find out how liberal and/or conservative your US House of Representatives member is in comparison to the others.

Turn The Goddamn Radar On!

Democraticlogo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So you might be surprised to learn that I'm on just about every lefty political email list there is. I don't remember actually signing up for any of them, but there it is. The most diligent emailer by far is the Democratic Party, and one of the most tedious regular emails I receive is from the Democratic Party Women's Vote Center. This is because I hate women.

Oh, and also because originally, their emails literally took a half-hour to read. I couldn't believe how long they were, and I couldn't imagine anyone who would sit there and read them. Even the choir would get bored by this particular preacher.

They seem to have learned their lesson somewhat, and the emails have gotten shorter. They've also lost their substance.

Anyone who's been paying attention to the news this week will be aware that the South Dakota legislature just outlawed abortion in the state. The bill is currently awaiting both signature from the governor and a showdown with the new right-wing Supreme Court. Good times.

So naturally, the Democratic Party Women's Vote Center went to town about this. Oh, wait, no they didn't. They didn't even fucking mention it at all.

Now, some of you may be surprised to learn that I'm a dude. I got balls and everything. And I'm infuriated by the idea that abortion might once again be illegal. I would imagine that most women who even remotely consider themselves feminist or liberated or whatever term they choose (it's all about choice after all) are even angrier.

And those women (and we men who love those women and believe in their inherent equality, if not superiority) have no major party to turn to.

Thanks again, Democrats. You've always got your finger on the pulse of things that matter most.

More Basketball Autistry

Seriously, if you can watch this and not cry, you've got no soul.

A Little Basketball Autistry

This is one of those stories that local news programs like to cover at the end of their broadcasts -- to leave you feeling good in spite of the previous half-hour of pure terror.

This autistic kid in upstate New York worked as the equipment manager for his high school basketball team, and for the final game of the season, the coach let him suit up. Then, in the final four minutes, the coach put him in the game. After missing his first couple shots horribly, he made seven consecutive baskets, including six three-pointers (one at the buzzer) for a total of 20 points in four minutes. (A bit of video here.)

As the story says, he was carried off on the shoulders of his teammates. My question: How terrifying must have it been for the poor autistic kid to have every single person in that gym charging him to celebrate?

They Make an Interesting Point

Over at everyone's favorite snarky sports commentating website, they were discussing the Shani Davis/Chad Hedrick speed skating feud at the Olympics. And who doesn't love a good speed skating feud? I mean, come on. Even the short-trackers are getting in on the action. Apolo Anton Ohno and the South Koreans? Oh, the drama...

Anyway, at some press conference both men were forced to attend, some of Shani's fans from the Dutch curling team came to heckle Chad Hedrick. Deadspin punctuates the story with this: "Regardless of whose side you’re taking in the Hedrick/Davis feud, I think you’d have to agree: When the Dutch curling team shows up to heckle someone, it is awesome."

Indeed, Deadspin. Indeed.

Lost Reruns Make Me Gay

lost
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Lost can't seem to get its shit together. They've taken more hiatuses (hiati?) this year than Dubya. Last night ABC replayed the pilot, which is particularly strange since so many potential plot points introduced in the first episode have fallen by the wayside.

So instead of watching that, the missus put on American Idol, which featured performances from the final 12 guys. There's this freakazoid named Taylor Hicks who went last. He's a bit schlubby, prematurely gray, and has no real sense of style.

There's a documentary called Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control by Errol Morris that features four people with strange jobs. What they do becomes riveting only because of their passion for, say, naked mole rats. I don't give a shit about naked mole rats, but the dude who works with them is so into them, you can't help but love the freaky things, too.

So most of the singers, even those that were good, were nervous, which in turn made nervousness the dominant emotion of the performances. Not Taylor. The guy is pure music. As soon as he started singing, joy. That was it. Utter bliss. He can really sing, which is a plus, but more than that, the dude was infectious. That he's a schlubby, prematurely gray, no-style motherfucker melts away when he sings.

Go, Taylor Hicks!

Dickhead of the Week - Travis Frey

travis frey
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Via The Smoking Gun comes this week's Dickhead, Travis Frey, whom Daily Kos has already called a Hall of Fame asshole.

Fresh off its buzz-making expose of A Million Little Pieces author James Frey (no relation that I'm aware of), the Smoking Gun got their hands on the craziest, most brutal "marriage contract" you'll ever see, currently being used as evidence in a criminal trial against the Worst Husband Ever.

As you all know, DotW is generally reserved for politicos and other public figures. But once in a while a civilian really earns the kudos. If you've got a strong stomach for explicit language relating to the "duties" of a "good wife," spend a few minutes reading Travis's contract. I think you'll agree that he's well-deserving of this week's award.

And the best part: he gives our regular Dickheads a week-long break!

God Knows a Lot

So god knows anything that wakes up the Democratic Party to fight this corrupt administration is good...

And god also knows that I'm no expert when it comes to the global shipping industry...

And god continues to know that when I state something that puts me even near the same page as Dubya my shit gets freaked out...

But...

Doesn't this whole Dubai-owned-company-running-US-ports issue reek of racism?

Meanwhile, ever since the Dick(head) Cheney hunting incident, we haven't heard a peep about lobbyist reform. Coincidence? I think Karl Rove told the VP to shoot that man in the face.

God knows it wouldn't have been the worst thing Boba Rove had ever done.

Spring Training Highlights Thus Far

organic
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A big story from the Mets' facility in Port St. Lucie is that 47-year-old Julio Franco is participating in his 29th spring training. Should Julio hit a home run this year, which is likely, he'll be the oldest man ever to hit one in Major League Baseball.

More amazing than this, though, is that Julio was signed to a two-year deal with the Mets. At 47, a two-year deal. Younger players at the camp marvel at Julio's body (in a completely un-gay way) with an I'll-Have-What-He's-Having attitude. I've always suspected he's been having steroids, but he claims that the primary tactic for staying in shape (on top of rigorous training, of course) is to eat a high-protein, organic diet.

Well, now, that sounds almost as hippie-dippy as when Robin Ventura attributed his torrid first-half of the season with the Yankees a couple years ago to doing hot yoga. What do they put in these organic foods, anyway?

On the other end of the age spectrum is Brian Bannister, son of Floyd, who was a pitcher with the Astros (among others) when I was a kid rooting for all things Houston. Brian's the Mets' hottest pitching prospect at the moment, and the NYTimes just ran this story about him. It's almost as if the kid went to college to go to college!

I love sports writers. Like so many of us, they desperately wish they were professional athletes, so someone like Brian Bannister comes along with a genuine interest in something outside the realm of baseball (hunting doesn't count), and they're completely floored that he'd waste his time doing anything besides adding a fifth pitch to his repertoire. I feel like most sports writers would give up writing altogether if they only had a 95-mile-an-hour fastball.

Oh, like I'm any different. My three readers would be forced to stop enjoying B&E if I suddenly discovered I could hit that 95-mile-an-hour fastball 450 feet.

Happy Presidents' Day, Bitch

mattress
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Today the missus and I did what all good Americans do on Presidents' Day: we shopped.

We've got the foulest, flimsiest, most disgusting mattress in the world, and we've lived with it for the length of our relationship thus far. So off to Sleepy's-the-Mattress-Professionals-for-the-Rest-of-Your-Life, we went. We felt like grown-ups.

And nothing makes you feel more grown-up than spending nearly a thousand bones on something you can't really afford.

But we were helped by a really nice Romanian woman. Actually, I have no idea if she's Romanian or not, but she was clearly from the former Soviet bloc, and all those Eastern European accents sound the same to me. And since we have a restaurant in our 'hood called Transylvania, and through small talk I learned that she lived on the same street, I'll call her Romanian.

So as Romanian Rose (not her real name) is ringing us up, we make a lot of chit-chat. After learning that I'm a part-time worker, she invites me to join the Sleepy's team. I'm tempted. Selling mattresses would be right up my alley. I could wear pajamas and look comfortable all day.

Then she tells us about some big hubbub in Congress. Apparently some Congressman called "the First Lady, but not Laura Bush, the other one, Clinton, Hillary" a bitch. For a saleslady, she really put a lot of oomph into her story, especially when it came time to say, "bitch!"

I don't want to say that Romanian Rose lied to me, but how come I can't find anything about this on the internet(s)?

Get a Shrink, Mr. President

So Duke University did this study from which they deduced that half of US presidents have suffered from some form of mental illness, with depression being the most common ailment, self-medicated in most cases by heavy drinking. Right, Georgie?

I've always thought that the desire to become president comes from an unhealthy combination of a lust for power and acute narcissism. If one were to add narcissism to Duke's list, do you suppose that 100% of US presidents have suffered from mental illness?

Or would Jimmy Carter still serve as a shining beacon of psychological health? Maybe it was Jimmy's mental stability that caused the country's malaise in the late 70's. Maybe we rely on a hearty dose of transference and counter-transference from our leaders to keep us, as a nation, on the right emotional and psychological track.

Dickhead of the Week - Dick Cheney

cheney gun
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's a no brainer, really. Sort of like Dick(head)'s hunting skills. No one else shot someone this week. At least no one we've heard about.

The barbs are pretty much finished, and I'm too late to get in on that hot VP action. I've been partial to "The Daily Show" coverage myself, and if you've missed it, please go to their website to see it. Man, oh, man, oh, manatee...

The White House press conferences have been good, too. You can read/skim those here, or if you've got a little extra time on your hands, C-SPAN is good enough to archive the video. Ouch.

Pitchers and Catchers!

metslogo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

And not (necessarily) with the gay subtext...

In my absence, there was record snowfall in New York City, and the VP of this fine country filled his friend with buckshot. So naturally, my first official posting coming back is about baseball.

Spring training has begun! Pedro Martinez got himself a specially-made shoe (by Nike) to help with his bum toe. Unfortunately, there's also a small spike jabbing the ball of his foot. A new shoe is forthcoming from Taiwan. Those twelve-year-old Asians really know how to make a shoe.

Oh, there's not a better time of year than spring training. You've got all the hope of the upcoming year without the reality of the September slide that takes them right out of the playoff race.

Boy, I do love baseball. How I've missed thee. Welcome back.

After a Short Break...

I think I'm back up and running. I'd like to thank you, dear B&E readers, for your patience as I've been transferring my domain name over to a new host (or whatever the fuck the technical jargon is).

A special shout-out to bshort, whose photography you should all go look at now, while I figure out what to post next. Without bshort (the man, not the photography), the transfer would never have been possible.

In the meantime, I'll need to figure out what to shoot you all in the face (and heart!) with first...

Dickhead of the Week - Follow Up

brownie
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Remember the heck of a job Brownie did? Well, he's testifying before Congress as I write. I don't honestly care what he has to say at this point. The man's an incompetent asshole.

He's been refusing to talk about his conversations with Bush administration officials during the Katrina disaster until, apparently, yesterday. The reason for his sudden reversal?

According to the NYTimes, now that he's a private citizen, he feels an obligation to answer any question Congress puts to him.

That's funny, because I feel, as a private citizen, Congress has no business knowing my private business. But if I were an official in the government, I would assume a certain amount of public accountability would come with the job.

What the fuck is wrong with these people?

I'm Just a Country Girl...

On the subway yesterday, I was standing next to a woman who had the look that all people unfamiliar with the New York City subway system have. It's an expression at the intersection of determination, fear, and anger. She was wearing a shitload of makeup, and even more jewelry. Rich suburbanite, I'd guess. She didn't look like a subway rider. I have one of "those faces," so she ended up asking me for directions, beginning with what train she was on.

"W."
"Oh, FUCK! It's not an N?"
"Well, the W goes along the N line through Manhattan, but runs local."
"OK, but will it take me to 34th Street?"
"Yes."
"OK, thank you."

I go back to reading The Nation.

"So this will get me to Penn Station?"
"Well, you'll need to walk one long block to 7th Avenue, but yes."
"I was given, like, twelve different routes to Penn Station. Why don't you New Yorkers just give the best way?"
"Because the best way depends on many factors."

I go back to reading The Nation. A thing about lobbyists.

"And how do I know which way is 7th Avenue when I get out of the subway?"
"You'll see the Empire State Building. Keep it at your back as you walk."
"That's funny. Somebody else told me that."
"That person also gave you sound directions."

I go back to The Nation.

"My company just moved to Long Island City from Downtown because the rent's cheaper. I hate Queens."
"I live in Queens."
"It's just that it takes me an hour and forty minutes to get to work now."
"Oh, well, that sucks."
"This is the first time I've made the trip. I'm just a country girl from New Jersey."

Out-Dickheading the Mother Dickhead

House Speaker Dennis "I'm a Real Buh-" Hastert and Senate Majority Leader Bill "Frisky" Frist are bigger Dickheads, even, than "Boba" Rove, as it turns out. Just before Christmas, they snuck some Big Pharma immunities into a Defense Department appropriations bill. Follow the link and your jaw will drop at the nefariousness of these two utter Dickheads.

You've taught them well, Karl Rove, but now the servants are becoming the masters. This might even be worse than implying that Senator John McCain, star of Fox's 24, had an illegimate black baby.

24, Starring John McCain

Right, so Senator John McCain had a cameo on this week's episode of 24. McCain has called himself a fan of the show, although he feels its depiction of torture is both unrealistic and gratuitous. And by now, we all know his history of getting tortured in Vietnam. So it's a good thing he turned up in an episode that featured a torture scene. McCain himself, however, was not the torturer.

Good News From Scandinavia!

stockholm
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

With all the Danish and Norwegian embassies burning, I thought I'd take it upon myself to share some positive news coming from the Scandinavian lands. Naturally, we turn our attention to Sweden.

Home of the Vasa, Volvo, and IKEA, not to mention their massage and fish, Sweden has a plan to remove oil from their economy in fifteen years. And they're gonna do it without building up their nuclear arsenal.

OK, so days in winter may be about ten minutes long, but is there any other reason I shouldn't take my marriage-inherited EU right-to-residency for a spin in Sweden?

Scottish Lore on the Silver Screen

waterhorse
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Nessie's ready for her close-up, Mr. DeMille. Closer. Closer. Whoops, too close. Ah, well, you were a crazy right-wing freak anyway, weren't you, Mr. DeMille?

Hey! A movie about the Loch Ness Monster! Based on The Water Horse by the dude that wrote Babe. And they're even gonna shoot it, for three glorious weeks, in Scotland. The rest of the time, New Zealand will serve as Scotland's body double, as it did for Middle Earth and Narnia. New Zealand gets picked to be body double so often because it has such a nice ass.

In related news, poll results off to the side of The Scotsman's article about the film announces that 87% of respondents believe in Nessie. I've always accepted the myth as such: a load of shit. But the funny thing is, if you spend any time around Loch Ness, you begin to believe it. My father-in-law, for example, has seen Nessie twice in his life. The man doesn't lie, and I'm not about to call him a nutter.

There's a Vague Sense of Something Unfamiliar. Any Idea What It Might Be?

There's an article in The New York Times I won't bother linking to. It's about how some Democrats feel like maybe they're missing an opportunity to take advantage of Republican vulnerabilities, particularly as the midterm elections approach. Since everyone knows this already, it ends up being a stupid article written about a bunch of stupid idiots.

Dickhead of the Week - Karl Rove

rove
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I hate it when my choice for Dickhead is so freakin' predictable, but what can I do? The man's a Dickhead.

To garner support for the domestic spying, "Boba" Rove is threatening to withdraw support (financial and political) from senators and representatives facing re-election this year. Boy, I sure do love a good blacklist. Of course, if Dubya's popularity continues to wane, Rove's blacklist will probably be just the endorsement the Republican candidates need to keep their seats. I guess Double Dickheadedness is sort of like a double negative.

This week's Dickhead runner-up is Attorney General Alberto "Speedy" Gonzalez. The man testified in front of the judiciary committee to defend the domestic spying program. Not only did he give no assurances that innocent people weren't being spied on, but he wasn't under oath. So the Dickhead could lie without perjuring himself.

Then, on the opposite end of the spectrum, we've got former President Jimmy "No Relation To June" Carter. Some may recall that he was president in 1978 when FISA became law. He called the domestic spying program illegal, but also said he wasn't surprised it was going on, considering that this is an administration that's already started an illegal war through the illegal manipulation of intelligence and has since illegally tortured prisoners.

Jimmy totally rules. He's already got himself a kick-ass charity in Habitat for Humanity and won himself a Nobel Peace Prize. What else will he do to confirm his position as the Greatest Ex-President Ever? Jimmy Carter is the opposite of a Dickhead.

What is the opposite of a Dickhead? Anyone? I just don't think "Vaginafeet" is appropriate.

I Love a Good Ed Koch Sighting

edkoch
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'd like to give a prolonged shout-out to Deb, congratulating her on the opening of her film The Tollbooth on Friday. Everyone in New York: go see the film at the Quad, this week, if possible. Nice work, Deb!

And in a further testament to her moxie, I'd like to congratulate Deb on getting New York's most colorful former mayor, Ed Koch, to attend Friday's opening. The missus and I got there early, as did Ed, and we had a lovely time watching him catch some z's in the lobby waiting for entry. We also sat in his row and can testify that he remained awake during the film itself.

There was one other star sighting as well (in addition to the cast of The Tollbooth, I mean). A few places behind Ed and me in line, a dude was excited to see Chris Elliot in attendance. I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was just me.

Report from Queens

mapofthequeens
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It appears as though we've got ourselves a cursed block among us, as weary locals sigh with familiarity at dark storefronts. The block along the Boulevard of Death was the site of a fire more than two years ago that burned a butcher shop, a Dunkin' Donuts, a dry cleaner, a corner deli, and the 'hood's finest Irish pub completely to the ground. The Chipper, home of the best fish n' chips this side of the Atlantic, while still standing, was unable to recover from the closing, due to smoke damage, and never re-opened. In a wicked turn of events, the fire survivors have been forced to close again, as local construction cracks their building's foundation while gallantly attempting to fill the two-year-old hole in the ground at the heart of Sunnyside. Korean Christians are without a church, sandwich-eaters without a deli, donut-munchers without a Dunkin' (it re-opened where the Chipper was), and comfort-seekers without their Korean diner until the crack can get patched up. But just to end on a positive note, because we 7-train riders are an optimistic (if unattractive) bunch, the butcher shop was the first to reopen just a few short months after the fire. It moved to a much larger location conveniently positioned across the street from my apartment. And it thrives. Oh, does it thrive. Makes a mean fucking sandwich, too.

Dickhead of the Week - The Lost Dickhead

I just realized that while I had a Dickhead Watch this week I picked no actual Dickhead. So I'll let you choose your own personal Dickhead of the Week (as fun as those Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books!) from among the usual suspects:

- Karl "Boba" Rove
- Dick(head) Cheney
- Tom "Call Me Bitch Without" DeLay
- Bill "Frisky" Frist
- Ted "Cranky" Stevens
- Scott "Go Ahead, Goyal" McClellan
- Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Ralph Reed, or any other so-called "Christian leader"

They may not have made any new/big news this week, but that doesn't mean they're not Dickheads.

Republicans Pull a Boehner!

boehner
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

John Boehner has been elected by House Republicans to be their new leader, replacing Tom DeLay.

Even though he pronounces it with a long-A sound, the Boehner name is a softball being lobbed to the plate, just waiting to be hit over the fence.

I'll start: The Republicans have picked a Boehner to replace a Dickhead?

Who's circling the bases with me? Huh? Anyone?

Happy Groundhog Day

So Punxsatawney Phil saw his shadow and says we're getting another six weeks of winter. But our local Staten Island-based groundhog, Chuck, didn't see any freakin' shadow. So spring will spring in New York first, my friends.

Of course, this winter in New York has hovered around 50 degrees, so how big a deal would it be if Chuck was dead wrong?

A special shout-out to Senator Chuck Schumer, who participated in Staten Island's version of the 2/2 ritual. Schumer, as it turns out, was named for our local groundhog, so that's pretty weird.

The Tollbooth - A Shill

tollbooth
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I love shilling for friends, and this is one I'm particularly fond of...

Debra Kirschner, a woman in my writer's group wrote, directed, and produced a little cinematic ditty called The Tollbooth. It opens this weekend in New York at the resolutely independent Quad Cinema on 13th Street in Manhattan.

Deb was working on this script when I joined my writer's group eight-plus years ago, so this is a project I've gotten to see all the way from creation through to distribution.

And she got it all done herself. Sure, there were collaborators (I guess actors are somewhat important) and all those other people who blah blah blah thank the academy blah blah blah, but Deb's got bootstraps. Bootstraps galore. Not to mention moxie. Moxie's a good word for Deb. In fact, moxie's a good word in general. Moxie. Moxie moxie moxie moxie moxie moxie...

But I digress...

Through several drafts, fundraising, casting, shooting, editing, numerous festivals, and all that other crap (including, finally, a distribution deal), Deb's enthusiasm for the project never waned. Naturally, there were discouraging times, during which most of us would've thrown in the towel out of fear of turning out like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. But not Deb. She just wouldn't stop until the job was done.

And just so you all can resent her further, she's also gotten a couple drafts done on a new script. Remember that thing about moxie? Yeah, that's Deb.

So go to The Quad if you live in New York (I fear everyone else may need to wait until the DVD release). The turn-out this weekend will help determine how long it sticks around.

Check out the trailer and read more about the film, the cast, and all the rest at the official Tollbooth website, and give props to Debra Kirschner for her mad skills.

And did I mention the moxie?

Nice Goin', Genius

defensivebush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

No, I did not watch the State of the Union Address last night, but naturally The New York Times features headlines this morning.

One of them reads: "In Annual Address, Bush Warns About Dangers of Isolationism."

Dude, weren't you the jackass that isolated us not only from our enemies but our allies as well?

Oh, wait. I get it. He's speaking from experience. You see, he knows what it feels like to be isolated, and he just doesn't want us to feel the same way. See? He cares. He really cares about you and me. It's all about the love with this president.