Ricky, Stephen, and Karl - A Shill

gervaisshow
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Many of you know that I consider "The Office" to be the best sitcom of all time. I mean the British one. (Except for the pilot, I haven't really seen the American version.) It's more about the cringe factor than the laughter, but it's pure genius.

The creators of the show, Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, got their start doing radio. And with the success of "The Office" (UK), "The Office" (US, for which they are executive producers), and now "Extras," they decided to "give something back to the fans" and do twelve, free, weekly, half-hour podcasts via The Guardian website.

The bulk of the show is Ricky and Stephen breaking the balls of their third, Karl Pilkington. Karl's perspective on the world is strange, to say the least, and the dynamic makes for some damn fine radio.

They've just completed Week 9 of their podcast (which is apparently the most downloaded podcast in the world -- to date, anyway), and I highly recommend it. It's one of those things that's great to listen to when you're doing a mindless task -- driving, folding laundry, sitting at home listening to the Ricky Gervais Show...

Dickhead Watch '06

layskilling
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The jury's been selected and opening arguments begin today in the trial of Dickheads Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, former CEO and president of Enron respectively (but without respect for the law).

I haven't yet figured out why prosecutors aren't seeking the death penalty. As I've said before, I'm anti-death penalty, but these men's crimes affected the more people and ruined considerably more lives than, say, any serial killer on record.

Nail 'em to the wall, prosecutors.

The Most Dangerous Threat in Iraq?

turkey
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The serious injury to one-half of ABC's new nightly news anchor team, and the cameraman responsible for making his eyes look so blue, shows us once again how dangerous and random the violence is in this war zone the chickenhawks have created. I've said it before and god knows I'll say it again, but let's bring our troops home. How is that not supporting them?

But there's a new enemy rearing its ugly head in this mess we call the Iraq War... the turkey. The UN has confirmed the Middle East's first bird flu death.

The turkeys in Iraq (I mean the literal ones now) sort of remind me of King Edward the Whatever in that scene from Braveheart. After the bloody hand-to-hand combat begins in one of the later battle scenes, Patrick MacGoohan (as Edward) calls once again for the archers to let loose.

A foppish English officer nervously says, "But, Sire, we'll hit our men."

"We'll hit them, too," he says with evil glee, knowing he's got more men overall than the Scots. Then William Wallace gets hit in the upper torso with an arrow before chasing after the masked-armored dude who turns out to be Robert the Bruce. William gets disemboweled and screams, "FREEEEEDOM!"

I'm glad I didn't know what a wackadoo Mel Gibson was when I saw that movie the first time.

Anyway, the turkeys in Iraq, like King Edward the Whatever, kill indiscriminately.

Shake Up in Tampa

Maybe a name change will keep them from sucking.

Acid Fish

Alright, so the picture isn't as scary as the snakehead or the two-mouthed fella, but check it out: the world's smallest fish, and it lives in acid! Sweet.

(And if my reference to Brokeback President wasn't enough to get me wiretapped, linking to Al-Jazeera should just about do the trick. "Really, I'm just reading about the fish! It's blondandeffective's fault! She turned me on to the fish! Seriously!")

OK, just as an aside, I should probably say something about Al-Jazeera. In this country, it's assumed to be a friend of terrorists, since they get the bin Laden tapes and all. But the Taliban has called for the bombing and banning of the network. As has Bush (only to be called off by Tony Blair). To complete the cycle of bombing and banning, we need to find right-wing Jewish, Hindu, and Buddhist leaders who have also called for its bombing and banning. Has Netanyahu? Did Gandhi? Gandhi was a right-wing leader, wasn't he? What about the Dalai Lama? What's the deal with that guy, anyway? And why is he always hanging out with Richard Gere? Has Richard Gere called for the bombing and banning of Al-Jazeera?

But It's What I Asked For...

Christ. Why him? Why the fuck did it have to be him?

Dickheads of the Week - Senate Democrats

alito
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Proving once again that pansy-ass cowards make up the Democratic Party, only one Senate Democrat has talked freely about using a filibuster against Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito -- Russ Feingold. Russ, you are hereby excused from the rest of this post.

So some of you are going to vote against Sam "Women Shouldn't Be Allowed at Princeton" Alito. Boy, doesn't that make you strong stand-takers!

You're a minority party for Christ's sake! There are certain procedures built into the laws of this country that give the minority party some actual say over what the majority is shoving down your throats. One of these is the filibuster. And now is the time to use it. What's your fear, bitches?

I'm not gonna go on and on about why the Alito nomination should be filibustered. Frankly, it's a no-brainer, and the list the reasons is so long, you could fill a whole magazine with them.

But new Chief Justice John Roberts (the other Bush nominee to actually come to a vote) has proven he's in the same political league as Scalia and Thomas with his dissent in the "assisted suicide" law in Oregon, which the rest of the Supremes upheld.

It is vital therefore to stop Alito's rise to the Court. Voting against him isn't good enough, Democrats. You're a fucking minority party. If you don't start fighting like one, you always fucking will be.

Now I'm angry when I gotta go take care of alternate side parking. This means the leaf sweeper better fucking watch out.

UPDATE: A couple of Dickheads jump out from the crowd. And Senator Byrd is usually such a good fighter. Dickheads.

Another Reason New York Rules

colbert
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

One can see The Colbert Report. And for free!

Last October or so, I requested tickets for the show via their official Comedy Central website. A few weeks later, they informed me that I could come to the show (with three others) in a few months.

So it took a while, but the wait came to an end last night.

The audience-size is surprisingly small. Only 109 people each night. We were in the back row, and it felt like we were a part of the action. To get us to sound like a bigger crowd on TV, there was a great deal of crowd warm-up. The stand-up comedian who came out wasn't very funny. He seemed to go through his own personal table of contents (aloud) at the end of each bit. He even admitted toward the end that he was running out of clean material, that in another two minutes he would have to resort on pussy jokes. That was his biggest laugh of the evening. Who doesn't love a good pussy joke?

Stephen came out for a quick warm-up, and answered a couple of questions, in order to "humanize the host for the audience."

Because I don't have cable, I've only caught the show in its entirety once. I tend to watch clips online. And I found myself distracted by the myriad activities going on in the studio. So I can't honestly remember the bulk of the material he did. There were a few bloopers, one of which he worked into the show and then had a good laugh during the commercial break.

The crowd warm-up, the commercial break music, the staff coming up to talk to him... everything seemed to be geared toward keeping Stephen's energy up. Maybe it's that I don't work in television, but I found the process to be really interesting. There was a bit done in front of the green screen, and I barely heard a word he said, as I wondered what they did to make his tie different colors like that. Although it was clearly related to the background...

I love that these things are free in New York -- Letterman, Conan, the Daily Show, the Colbert Report, even SNL. All you have to do is ask for tickets, then wait. The Report is apparently booked through August already.

Lessons from Kansas - Brokeback President?

President Bush made a visit to Kansas State University in Manhattan (the Little Apple), and got this question. (You'll need to scroll down to the picture of Bush on CNN with the purple background.) Aaaawwwwkwaaarrrrd...

So the Lesson here, best I can tell: Don't suggest that the president's a queer. It makes him really uncomfortable. I, for one, think he was about a half-second from inviting the questioner to have sex with himself, but, you know, in the manner that Dick Cheney might have invited him.

Just Put That Right On Top

So when the plague decimated a good chunk of Edinburgh's population a few hundred years ago, the city opted to evict some of the under-dwellers and build enormous structures right on top of their homes. As a result, you can take tours of the "Old City," which is underneath the current one. The most famous of these tours explores Mary King's Close.

Now, I don't know if New York City had the plague, too, but apparently, building on top of old structures was very big here for a while, too, as this project by the MTA has proven for the second time now.

The most unbelievable part of the whole story is that the MTA says the building project will remain on budget. The MTA doesn't do anything on budget, unless they've cooked the books. What a bunch of assholes.

Dickhead of the Week - Follow-Up

scrushy
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Like the Bush administration (both at home and in Iraq), former head of HealthSouth, Richard "Scruffy/Mushy" Scrushy, has to pay for his positive press coverage.

Scruffy/Mushy still owes the writer and newspaper money, but it seems like a dude with billions of dollars stolen from his company could afford to pay more than $11,000.00. It consistently amazes me how little people will take to sell out.

Of course, I was underpaid as a writer for one of the "sin" industries for nearly three years, so I suppose I leased my soul on the cheap, too.

Either way, I still can't believe this Dickhead got off.

Democrats' Crappy Slogans

Is there not a single former ad-man or woman on the Democratic Party payrolls?

I previously complained about "Together, America Can Do Better." Ridiculous.

So back in 1994, Newt Gingrich put forth "The Contract With America," all about reforming Congress' corrupt (and Democratic) ways. The catchy slogan helped Republicans win back the House and Senate, and they've been getting more corrupt every day since. Naturally, the Democrats have pounced! Pounced like a beached whale! Oh, say, can you pounce!

When the Democrats announced their feckless reform plan yesterday, it was entitled, "Democratic Declaration of Honest Leadership and Open Government." I just fell asleep while writing that out. Those bastards can't get anything right.

I mean, come on, people! Everyone knows that if you propose a plan with no substance whatsoever, the least you need to do is give it a snappy slogan.

Dickhead of the Week - Rick Santorum

santorum
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

With Jack Abramoff's guilty plea, both parties are doing their best to appear to be free of lobbyist influence. Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaah! AAAH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ha! HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!

Heh, heh. Whew. Heh.

So, I've chosen Rick Santorum as Dickhead of the Week. Rick narrowly won the award over House Speaker Dennis Hastert. Really, it could've been any number of people, and perhaps it's unfair to pick on Rick, but on the other hand, who better to pick on than Dickhead Rick? After all, Mr. K Street is all about getting the lobbyists involved. And yet he claims that he's got a long history of pointing fingers at nefarious members of both parties. Unless, of course, those nefarious members also hate faggots in his manner of faggot-hatred.

But both parties get hypocrisy points for their duelling "reform" proposals -- no more free meals, no more free trips, no more hard-to-get tickets to prestigious events. The Democrats claim that their "reform" plan is harder hitting than the Republican "reform" plan. And Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid got in his zinger, saying that putting the Republicans in charge of cleaning up lobbying was like "asking John Gotti to clean up organized crime." Zang! ZzzzP-Pow!

Here, again, the Democrats prove themselves to be pansy-ass motherfuckers. Let's get some real goddamn reform proposals. I mean, seriously. Lunch is the reason we have corrupt lawmakers?

If you put together a proposal, one that, say, takes lobbying money out of the actual election process, you could not only create (holy shit!) real reform, but also win over a shitload of disgruntled, understandably cynical swing voters.

So, yes, the Democratic Leadership is a bunch of Dickheads for pussying out on an issue they could so fucking easily win. But because he's so ridiculous in his attempts to sound sincere about reform, Tricky Rick Santorum remains Dickhead of the Week.

We Get It. So Now What?

There's even more evidence that the Bush administration lied and misled us into this illegal war. There's now so much evidence, this new evidence hardly even seems like news.

For the love of Pete, let's impeach the fucker already! Get on that, Pete.

My Winter Vacation - The Off-Season

winterball
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Since most of my nephews and solitary niece live overseas, I'm taking it upon myself to introduce them to the best America has to offer -- baseball. So for Christmas presents, the missus and I brought the France-dwellers a baseball, a bat, and a couple of mitts.

There are some good signs for the upcoming season in northern France. My niece has a wicked throwing arm. She's a natural fielder and her enthusiasm for getting muddy and sacrificing her body to make the play will only help her improve. My nephew can bat both right and left, clearly taking after his American uncle, although unlike me, he's equally strong from both sides of the plate. And fortunately, France doesn't have any Little League coaches to tell him to stop showing off, so the ambidextrous batting can be appropriately encouraged and fostered.

Now, if I can just get him to stop chasing his own hits and circle the bases instead, we'll really get somewhere.

Meanwhile, on our side of the pond, the Mets have traded the outstanding Jae Seo and re-signed (and given a raise to) Victor Zambrano, who's been a complete bust. Most of the Mets' winter moves have been pretty solid, but that combo amounts to about the worst, most boneheaded decision the Mets have ever made.

My Winter Vacation - Meat

boucher
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The Butcher of Brittany has been given artisan status by the French government. All that means, really, is that he's registered and approved by the state, resulting in higher taxes to match his street cred. But people travel for hours to buy the Butcher of Brittany's meat, because it's so fresh and delicious.

We saw two unassuming heifers driven 'round back, enjoying the fresh air, while at that very moment their former colleague was being sliced up in order to become that night's beef burgundy.

And oh, she was delicious.

What impressed me almost as much as the freshness of the Butcher of Brittany's cuts of meat was the giant wood slab upon which he worked. It's about seven feet long and features a dip in the middle almost big enough for skateboarding. That's years of cutting meat, friends, with the proper health code sand-down every evening.

And the place was surprisingly clean, for a joint dealing with raw, bloody flesh. It sparkled, even. Although that could've been my hunger blinding me.

My Winter Vacation - The Ruins of Brittany

ruin3
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The missus and I had the pleasure of traveling to Brittany in the north of France during My Winter Vacation to see her brother and his family in their 17th century farmhouse. My brother-in-law is teaching himself how to renovate and rebuild the house as he goes, primarily in the 17th century style of things. To date, this has included slate roofing and clay walls. Fortunately, he's also installed plumbing and hot water. The portion of the house in which he and his family live is inhabitable and comfortable. The missus and I got our own room, which ruled, but it was in a part of the house with no windows or doors, and with the temperature hovering right around freezing... well, it was sort of like camping in wintertime. Hot water bottles, long johns, and lots of cuddling under blankets to keep warm. Going straight from the bed to the fireplace or wood-burning stove while sucking down as much hot coffee as possible was the first order of business every day.

ruin4

These beautiful 17th century ruins pepper the landscape of Brittany, and while some, like my brother-in-law's, are restored and lived in, most are simply the shell of beautiful stone work without a roof. In some cases these ruins, like the example pictured to the right, serve as the context for creative landscaping and gardening.

Most of these ruins are relatively inexpensive to buy, but then, of course, it takes the time and resources to make them livable. My brother-in-law also says that there's no real economy in his immediate part of Brittany, so for the most part, these ruins lie, well, in ruins, waiting to get knocked down for good (a real shame) or to get restored to their former glory. But like the refugees in Casablanca they wait. And wait, and wait, and wait, and then two German couriers are killed for their letters of transit, while Rick and Ilsa rekindle their romance while remembering their time in Paris, and Victor Laszlow defies the Nazis, and Captain Renault and Rick form a beautiful friendship. It's such a great movie.

Lessons From Kansas - Homelessness

kswallcloud
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Kansas is well-known for its history of wacky politics. Its present is pretty wacky as well. When I feel like defending my former home state, I'm fairly quick to offer up Lawrence as a bastion of liberalism within a great sea of conservatism. My favorite magazine The Nation also featured Lawrence as a prominent blue spot among the red states.

Alas, Lawrence also happens to be on the radar of the National Coalition of the Homeless, which ranked the town #2 on its list of "meanest cities."

New York, which spent the majority of the Guiliani years drowning the homeless in the East River, comes in at #14. How fucking mean must Lawrence be?

I see two Lessons From Kansas here:

1) Liberals can be jerks, too.
2) If you choose homelessness, avoid Lawrence.

Some Political Stuff

Because I've continued to live in the past of My Winter Vacation, I've only been keeping one-third of an eye on recent political events, but here are some things I might comment further upon, if I were motivated (and/or paid) to do so:

- Alito is bad news. No back-up links. Just a very strong opinion.

- Elizabeth Holzman is my Hero of the Week.

- It's a long shot, but nothing would make me happier.

- Pat Robertson continues his Dickheadedness.

- Let's hope this is the beginning of a movement against Wal-Mart.

- The Colbert Report has officially hit its stride.

My Winter Vacation - Art from Heaven

fromheaven
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The Archangel Michael, once portrayed by John Travolta on the silver screen, is a wicked artist, as it turns out.

I came upon this little ditty during our travels, and while this newly discovered miracle-art-from-heaven-itself might look like your typical Latin American icon of Our Lady, the brush strokes do, in fact, belong to the Archangel. He's even signed it. But not with a signature.

If you think that doesn't make any sense, I'm sure that's only because you're getting the information second-hand, from a source still wondering what the fuck was going on.

My Winter Vacation - Funny Cows

coo!
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The missus was shivering from the cold and the fear of the beast as she took this photo of a typical (if enormous) Highland Cow (that's "Heilan Coo" in the local dialect). Hence the blurriness. The cow is the one on the right. I'm the one pointing, just so you know it's there.

I'm standing quite far from the horns of this fella, so you can't tell just how large the fucker really is. But my god, he's huge. Just to the right of that sidewalk is a highway, and our car almost got gored as we drove by. So we stopped to take some pictures, keeping a healthy distance from the beast.

They really are fine-looking animals, those wacky long-haired cows.

My Winter Vacation - The Beauty of Scotland

light1

It's easy to go on and on about the sheer beauty of the land of the Scots, located in the northern portion of that Kingdom of the United on the eastern side of the Atlantic Ocean. The landscape features dramatic cliffs, lush greenitude, and rugged hills, peppered with the likes of mysterious fog, old farmhouses, and wet sheep (with the occasional Highland Cow thrown in for good measure). Yes, Scotland is a picturesque place, even in the worst of weather.

light2

If, however, you manage to get yourself some sun while in the land of William Wallace, enjoy the show, friends. Much is made of the light in Scotland, and with good reason. The country is so far north, the rays come from sharp angles, and this makes for colors you just don't see anywhere else. And, naturally, the camera can't quite do it all justice. During the summer, when parts of Scotland experience near 24-hour daylight, the impressive colors last, well, nearly 24 hours. And yes, that light and those colors are impressive for nearly the entire time.

light3

But the winter light in Scotland, though it may only last for a few short hours, is even more stunning. And rare. Winter is an inopportune time to visit the highlands, unless you're prepared to be damp and cold. Sunlight can't be guaranteed. Somehow, though, we had some sun and some rain almost every day (which is typical in the summer). And when that sun came through, well, holy shit. The country couldn't look better, everything about it extreme. Even the sheep with their windsurfing and basejumping ways are totally extreme, dude.

light4

Oh, I say unto you B&E readers: Underestimate not the power and glory of the Scottish countryside, particularly when it's bathed in that light. I happen to know from one B&E reader that photos of Scotland can lead to sex, marriage, emigration, and religious conversion. That's right, folks. There's mojo in them there islands, lowlands, and highlands.

Co-Dickheads of the Week - Brownback and Coburn

brownback

I really can't stand these guys, and at no time are they worse than during judicial confirmation hearings. I'm frankly feeling a bit harried at the moment to go into it at all, but as you go through the reports or transcripts of the Alito hearings, you'll probably notice that their names come up in the most obnoxious and self-aggrandizing ways imaginable.

These two Dickheads hate women, hate non-Christians (and indeed most Christians), and hate anyone or anything that doesn't fit into their tight-assed extremist viewpoints, and I don't hesitate to invite these men to have sex with themselves. Repeatedly, and in the most vile possible ways.

coburn

From neighboring states, Brownback and Coburn are right-wing poster boys. When I was growing up in Kansas, we had a truly moderate Republican by the name of Nancy Kassebaum representing the state in the Senate. That Brownback took her seat is shameful and embarrassing, and for reasons I sure as hell can't figure out, there doesn't seem to be any getting rid of the Dickhead.

Kansas! Do something! What's the matter with you?

Oklahoma, you've got yourselves a classic musical. Surely you don't need a Dickhead in the Senate.

My Winter Vacation - Hogmanay

wheel
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Edinburgh is the place to be for New Year celebrations. The Scots, being the quirky people they are, refer to it as Hogmanay. Some Americans get confused and call it Hogmaninny. But, you know, it's a big party. Think New Year's Rockin' Eve in New York's Times Square, except there are fun events planned throughout the city and locals actually participate in the celebrations. Also, there's no Dick Clark or Ryan Seacrest, but rather Hamish MacKinnon and Callam Campbell. And they're not on TV; they're just a couple of the Scotsmen in town for the debauchery. Oh, but they do make their presence known.

This was my first Hogmanay, and the first time I'd seen Edinburgh turned into a playground. Ferris wheels, temporary ice-skating rinks, and crazy-ass daredevil rides line the streets of Old Town. Trippy.

The missus and I are really more of the mellow-evening-among-loved-ones type of celebrants, so for the larger outdoor party, we opted for the safety of the indoors. But on New Year's Eve Eve, George Street was playing host to the World's Largest Strip-the-Willow. Strip-the-Willow is a dance too complicated to explain here, but needless to say, it includes much hopping up and down and locking elbows and swinging like mad, and there was no way we were going to miss this one.

dancers

George Street was jam-packed with people. A live band played kickass Scottish dancing music. Dancers danced like dancing was all that mattered (once they'd had enough to drink). The band was leading the activities and warming up to Strip-the-Willow. We got there in time to do the Eightsome Reel. Naturally, we didn't know how to do the Eightsome Reel, but it's all about heart, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

There were three of us (which, as you might be able to guess, put us five short for a dance with "eightsome" in the title), but then an older dude happily joined us when he saw how attractive his partner would be (yes, that's you, Sunnysider). Then another group of four found us, and to our extreme pleasure, they knew how to do the dance AND were willing to talk us through it.

The Eightsome Reel is the best dance ever. There's bouncing, locked elbows, a chance for each dancer to shine individually, and a chance to dance with every lady in the Eightsome... BEST DANCE EVER!

That's our Eightsome pictured (well, Six-and-a-Halfsome, since I'm taking the photo and I cut off the woman on the left who did most of the teaching). Strip-the-Willow followed the Eightsome Reel, but there were just too damned many people, most of whom had no idea what they were doing at all, and we gave up on that particular endeavor.

But not before I learned why the Scots dance. It's a gray, cold, and wet country, with very little daylight in the wintertime -- a recipe for country-wide depression. But it is physically impossible to be anything other than warm and happy when you're doing the Eightsome Reel.

My Winter Vacation - Airports

CDG
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

With three separate destinations for My Winter Vacation, the missus and I and took six flights through four different airports.

JFK -- We began and ended our trip at the renowned John F. Kennedy Airport (once known as Idlewild) in Queens, whose motto cries proudly, "Give us your Malls, Your Airports, Your Huddled Gravesites." Locals enjoy complaining about our two airports, but it's been some time since I've had a negative experience with either JFK or Laguardia. It remains a travesty, however, that public transportation to both airports continues to be a major hassle and inconvenience. Still, overall for My Winter Vacation, I'd give the JFK experience a B+.

Charles de Gaulle -- Since Air France was the airline of choice for My Winter Vacation, three times the missus and I found ourselves navigating the monstrosity of Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris. Man, that place blows. Signs are unclear, terminal transfers are time-consuming and exhausting, and somehow, within a large duty-free mall, there wasn't a single ATM. Seriously, who organized this place? F. As in "French."

Edinburgh -- Flying into Edinburgh is a breeze. Security, passport control, and customs are thorough enough to make you feel safe, while efficient enough to keep you moving. The only real complaint is that the airline queue service runs a bit slowly, but that's true for Scotland in general, so get into the rhythm of the country, for crying out loud. A-.

Brest -- Serving Brittany (in Northern France, not Spears or Murphy), Brest Airport has the best name of any airport in the world. A+.

It's Hard Being Me

As I wade through the fog of jetlag (and headlines of the past couple weeks), I don't know quite where to re-begin. And isn't it interesting to read something by someone who doesn't know what to write about?

I ask for some B&E patience this week. We've got Alito on the stand, DeLay out of his leadership role, a potential Abramoff plea, minor and major Dickheads, and major miner tragedies.

And yet, somehow, I'm thinking I might have to begin with a new series for B&E -- a little thing I like to call "The Beauty of Scotland: My Winter Vacation."

Oh, yeah, and of course I return to the freelance job that gave me such difficulty in the weeks leading up to My Winter Vacation. Dear Readers, surely you know: Being Bald comes naturally for me. Being Effective takes some effort.