Dickhead of the Week - Me

cliffs
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I punish myself this week for being absent from proper posting for ever so long. I'm sorry. I'm a Dickhead.

But, ach, lads and lassies. The absence shall continue, as I'm off for a wee visit to bonnie Scotland. And France. I think my access to the web will be spotty, dodgy, et pas formidable.

I see Scotland. I see France. I see B&E readers' underpants!

Happy Bald New Year. May your 2006 be Effective.

A Job For Someone Smarter (and With More Time)

fascism
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Fascism, Totalitarianism, etc. are terms thrown around a little easily perhaps from those of us on the left side of the political spectrum. It's a knee-jerk labeling that usually keeps us from getting to the heart of the argument.

But I think it's time to take a serious look at these terms and how they relate to our current governmental practices. It's not just the torture and the questionably legal (at best) phone tapping. It's more that Dick Cheney can talk openly about giving certain people permission to torture. It's that George W. Bush admits to the spying and calmly tells us it will continue (with seemingly reasonable Republicans like Colin Powell on record in support of the wire-tapping, if not torture).

These aren't the actions of a reasonable government, and it's frightening that the debate presents such actions as reasonable.

I also accept that to present a complete and cogent argument, comparing the openness of these actions (as well as the actions themselves) to a Totalitarian regime somewhere (let's use someone other than Hitler for a change, please) would take not only time I currently don't have, but a wonkiness I don't possess.

While there was the briefest of all mentions in The Nation about the openness of torture in this regard, it's time for someone to write a really kick-ass ten-thousand word essay, making the argument that our current administration is dangerously close to Fascism. And the argument must be made to sound reasonable, much in the way they present their horrific actions as reasonable.

Someone? Get working.

A Rival to the Mighty Snakehead?

fishmouths
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Facing snakeheads, fish are being forced to evolve into something, well, different.

This fucker was pulled from a Nebraska lake, and blondandeffective was here to tell me about it. Is she not effective? Is she not??

Dickhead of the Week - A Quick Choice

senatorted
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

With very little free time, I'm not reading all the media I usually do, so I'm going off-the-cuff with this one.

The measure failed, but our dear friend Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska tried to put Arctic Drilling into the Defense Spending Bill.

That's enough to be Dickhead of the Week, as far as I'm concerned. Read more about this week's Dickhead here, if you like reading about Dickheads.

I Flatter Myself II

Apparently, this is the week I really won't be posting much. My baldest apologies to my most effective readers.

Cheney Attacks?

As I was checking my junk mail Yahoo! account this morning, a news headline caught my attention and made me giggle...

Cheney Visits Iraq: Attacks Kill 19.

There's nothing quite like a misplaced colon to change an intended meaning. Unless, of course, Cheney's attacks did, in fact, kill 19 people during his surprise visit to Iraq.

UPDATE: Yahoo! has changed the colon to a semicolon, which is much less funny.

How 'bout a Shitload of Links?

Having paid considerably less attention to the media over the past week, I woke up this morning in awe of the goings-on. So here are a few topics upon which I might have commented further, had the hecticity of my life been a tad less, uh, hectic. Many of these little links come via The Huffington Post, a useful site for culling stories liberals might be interested in...

-- Dubya likes to spy on us.

-- Bushie Hearts DeLay.

-- Former Dickhead of the Week Jack Abramoff paid for editorials coming out of the right-wing think tank, Cato Institute, resulting in, like, a real resignation and shit. As a sidebar, BusinessWeek online refers to Cato as "libertarian" and not "right-wing." I guess if you're a pro-business publisher, you don't necessarily want to refer to a philosophical ally as extremist.

-- Trent Lott is rearing his fat, racist head again.

-- Ford has decided that maybe there's more money to be made from the Homos than the Haters.

-- The actor who played everyone's favorite fictional Chief-of-Staff, Leo McGarry/John Spencer passed away yesterday.

OK, well, I'm gonna get back to work now...

Goodbye, Howard

howard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Today is Howard Stern's last day on terrestrial radio. To say goodbye, he's throwing an event in midtown -- an event, by the way, that might've gotten canceled had there been a full-fledged MTA strike today. As it is, it's just a partial strike effecting Green Bus line riders, from Queens primarily. Nice.

But is it possible that Howard fans in the transit workers union decided to put off the strike until Monday night, so that our city can give a proper goodbye to its favorite son? Maybe it's not all about health care, pensions, and salaries.

As I think I've shared in the past, I became a Stern fan quite by accident. A college girlfriend used to keep her clock radio across the room tuned to Howard, because he pissed her off so much, it would force her to get out of bed to turn him off. Meanwhile, I began to think he was funny. And I've continued to listen on and off over the past twelve years or so.

Today, like millions of others, I say goodbye. I don't listen often enough to rationalize the $12.95 a month for Sirius Radio. Plus, XM has the contract for Major League Baseball. Those are two pretty good reasons for getting satellite, but no way in hell will I get both services. If Howard and baseball had ended up a part of the same company, I might've made the investment. Alas...

Thanks for helping me get up over the years, Howard. If I ever find myself with a disposable income, perhaps I'll pay to listen to your show.

I Guess Fidel Shouldn't Have Called Jeb Fat

wha?
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The US Government has denied Cuba's entrance into the World Baseball Classic.

There's something sort of quaint and cute about our government's continued Cold War hatred of Castro and Cuba. I'm not about to say that Castro's a good guy or anything, but I find it sort of sweet that the official stance toward Cuba hasn't budged an inch, even with the fall of the Iron Curtain and the Soviet Republic.

But once this stance starts interfering with my enjoyment of baseball... Well, screw you Treasury Department. Some things are more important than politics.

Oh, and whoever it was in the Treasury Department that made this decision is this week's Dickhead.

(Thanks to the Hall Farm boys: Phil for the story heads-up, and Scott for the totally unrelated photo.)

Alright, a Quick One...

Strike
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So New York is about 34 hours from a subway worker strike. In an attempt to stop such madness, the City has promised to fine the workers millions, should they walk out.

I know Bloomberg is All Business All the Time, but why shouldn't the onus be on the dirty motherfuckers at the MTA to offer a proper contract? Where's their fine for being stingy bastards? That is, after all, why their employees need to walk out in the first place.

Hit the streets, workers of the MTA! My commute might be more difficult (that trip from the bedroom to the living room is hard), but I'm with you. Just tell me if you'd prefer my support With or Without Pants.

I Flatter Myself Into Thinking You Care...

Oh, sweet, sweet B&E readers. Posting shall be light in the forthcoming days, I reckon. Life has hit a frantic pitch, thanks to a freelance job that is currently kicking my ass. Effectiveness must be preserved for the paying client, my friends. My baldness, however, belongs to you.

Voter Turnout

Dubya arrived in the City of Brotherly Love two days too late to enjoy Last Train Home live. So instead, he's using his visit to the birthplace of the US Constitution to, as the Associated Press says, "Encourage Iraqis to Vote."

That oughta keep 'em home.

Last Train Home - A Shill

philly
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Yesterday, the missus and I drove to the City of Brotherly Love to see my sister's gig. She's been playing with a band called Last Train Home when she can fit it in with her teaching schedule at Vanderbilt, where she flaunts her post-graduate degree and road experience, lecturing to impressionable collegians about the history of rock music.

Something I should point out, as an aside, is that my sister got the looks, brains, and talent in the family. She's a total badass.

I knew nothing of Last Train Home prior to the gig last night, and if being good guys was all it took to be a famous band, Last Train Home should be at least as big as Gary Glitter, if not bigger.

Their core is a three-man rhythm section (with vocals). Then they add players based on availability. So last night's crew included my sister on keyboard and accordion, a lead guitarist who blew out his amp, and a large fella on the pedal steel. Alt-country is the style of music. You know, country folk that can rock out. And it was great. They made driving back to New York at 3am a breeze. Parking in Sunnyside at 3am, however...

Opening for Last Train Home was a woman named Julie Lee. She sounds a little like Allison Kraus, and other than the love songs to Jesus, she was great, too.


Later: I forgot the shill part. Buy their albums.

A Date Night Full of Retards

So the missus and I did dinner-and-a-movie last night, and all was going without a hitch until we got to the movie theater. There was a dude screaming about popcorn in the lobby. It took about five seconds to realize that he was part of a group of mentally disabled adults all going to see the same movie we were. About eight of them. With the ruckus they were making in the lobby, we almost turned around and left, fearing our experience at the film would be less than stellar. But we stuck it out.

Naturally, the group sat in the row in front of us, and walked in after the movie started, because, you know, they needed their POP!-COOOOOOORRRRRRRN!

And actually, they weren't so bad. One guy would occasionally wave his arms wildly and grunt, but when it got loud enough to disturb other people, the chaperone calmly leaned to him and told him to keep it down, which he kindly did.

Then with about a third of the movie to go yet, the chaperone announced that it was time for them all to take their meds, that they had to leave. Now, while I'm sure the nuances of the plot may have been lost on the group, there was no denying that they were enjoying themselves, and a couple made (quiet) protests about leaving. But meds time is meds time, so off they went.

So with our fear of filmus-interruptus waning, we settled in for the rest of the movie. Next thing we know, a cell phone rings, and some lady starts talking in full voice in Spanish for more than a minute. While I don't understand Spanish, it seemed relatively clear that she had no mental challenges whatsoever, and yet she was the retard who nearly ruined the movie.

Softening With Age

It really saddens me when brilliant artists lose their edge with age. Early Police albums kick all kinds of ass next to any sappy Sting album of the past decade or so. Although Binx will disagree (if that is indeed your name, Binx!), pre-1976 Elton John has a coke-fueled urgency that makes his newer stuff look like a couple old ladies dropping bread crumbs out of their arthritic hands for the sheer pleasure of encouraging pigeon breeding. I think the horse of my mind just trotted off its trail, but the point is that pre-1976 Elton John is good. Everything after blows.

But nowhere is the dulled blade of age more apparent than in Harold Pinter's Nobel Prize acceptance speech. This is a man whose plays epitomize the raw power of naked emotion. So it just breaks my heart to see Harold hold back. What's with the timidity? I just wish he would say what he means, and come right out with it. Oh, Harold. Have you gotten so comfortable?

Uh...

David Duke Developing Slavery Mini-Series!

So Long, Slick-Fielding Hard Hat

olerud
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Former Met (and Blue Jay and Mariner and Yankee and Red Sock) John Olerud retired from baseball yesterday.

His sure hands, solid bat, and quiet confidence made almost every team he played for a contender.

But what I'll remember most about Johnny O is that for reasons never explained to me he wore a helmet when playing first base.

Major League Baseball will be a lesser place without a helmet-headed first baseman.

Dickhead of the Week - Follow Up

scrushy
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

As we know, Scruffy Mushy got away with it from a criminal standpoint. HealthSouth fired him from his CEO position anyway.

Richardhead, however, didn't give up his position on the board, forcing the rest of the directors to exclude him by meeting under the guise of a special committee.

Anyway, today, the dude finally quit, and all he's asking is for HealthSouth to pay his $25 million legal fees.

Oh, Scrushy, thou art so Scruffy and so Mushy.

Hit from the Left! Hit from the Right! Stand Up! Sit Down! Fight Fight Fight!

hillary
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Overall, I like Hillary Clinton. In '92, I liked her more than Bill. She played for the center a little less, and I didn't get the feeling she was trying to sleep with me through the television.

The far right in this country still loves to hate Hillary. It's a year-round sport for many. And mostly, pundits on the right use Hillary to tap into men's fears of being emasculated by strong, smart women. Those pundits are Dickheads, and the men who fall for it are morons.

Hillary's also done a pretty good job as the junior senator from New York. She works hard and seems to have our fine state's interests at heart.

On a national level, my opinion of Hillary begins to wane. Her health care plan back in the early Bill years was a good idea, and its real downfall was the brazenness and naivete of its presentation in the face of well-funded insurance and pharmaceutical industries.

But she's given up on such endeavors. And now Hillary's among the Democrats who won't call for bringing the troops home, and in fact, she's one of those who have called for increasing the number of troops in Iraq.

God knows women politicians have it tougher than the men. Can't be seen as weak or sentimental, and certainly not emotionally erratic. Meanwhile, Senator Ted Stevens is an emotional train wreck, screaming at colleagues, and somehow this is perceived as strong leadership.

But I wish I knew what Hillary truly stands for. Her shift to the right (she's now further to the right than Bill) seems to be with an eye toward the presidency. And if her current positions are her true positions, I disagree with her a lot.

Apparently, I'm not alone. And now Hillary will face a progressive challenger in a Democratic primary for her Senate seat: Jonathan Tasini.

When he lays out his argument as to why he's running, it makes a whole lot of sense to me.

Does he have a chance in hell? Probably not. But I hope he does well enough to force Hillary to face some questions from the left for a change...

Learn Something New Every Year

A single member of the paparazzi is a paparazzo. How come I didn't know that until I was 33?

Is more than one gigilo gigili?

Dickhead of the Week - Condoleeza Rice

condi
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

For months I've assumed she would be the first female DotW, and Condoleeza Rice has finally made it official. "Long Grain" gave a speech to the Euros filled with semi-veiled threats and insults to Europe's collective intelligence.

Europe says, "Who the hell do you think you are holding suspects in secret prisons in our country?" Arborio says, "Hey, Eurotrash motherfuckers. Don't criticize things you can't possibly understand."

Europe asks, "Why do you need to do such abhorrent things?" Uncle Ben's replies, "This is for your own good, and believe me, it hurts me worse than it hurts you."

Europe says, "We don't like you or your methods." Basmati says, "OK, then. I mean, if you want us to cut you off, well, don't come crying to us next time you get blown up. Especially if we found out that exact information while pulling out the toenails of a terrorist."

Well done, Condi Rice Pudding, you are B&E's first female Dickhead of the Week. And yes, I purposefully avoided referring to you as "Brown."

Thank You, Guardian UK

camelove512
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's the way they raise the level of discourse that I particularly appreciate.

Plus, camel-fuckin' is funny.

They Do It Here...

...So why not do it there?