FEMA Did Everything According to Plan

FEMA
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

OK, so I was first made aware of this by The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, but the graphic to the right comes directly from the FEMA website. And to my surprise, FEMA didn't immediately do a redesign after the mockery last night. The graphic explaining what they do is still there.

As you can clearly see, the FEMA process begins and ends in DISASTER.

So maybe we've been a little too hard on Michael Brown. I mean, if this is the plan he was following, he really was doing a heck of a job.

Nothing Says "Memorial" Like Shopping

The International Freedom Center is out, and a mall is in. God bless America.

Doubly Bald, Doubly Effective

twoheads
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

This little fella (or fellas, depending on how you look at it) was found in Cuba. Boy, the Cubans think of everything.

Thanks to blondandeffective (or who I currently think is blondandeffective anyway) for emailing the picture.

They're Totally Gonna Fuck It Up, Aren't They?

In 1994, in the wake of a whole slew of scandals in the Democratic Party, the Republicans created the famous "Contract With America" and, led by the kind-hearted Newt Gingrich, won back Congress for the first time in 40 years.

So after 11 years it's now up to the Democrats to capitalize on the idiocies of Dubya, Katrina, the War in Iraq, FEMA's cronyism, bin Laden's continued freedom, The Hammer, Frisky Frist, Jack Abramoff, the dumbest social security plan ever, no-bid contracts to friends, rising gas prices, and alienating our allies (those are just off the top of my head). I mean, if the Democrats can't win Congress back in 2006 after all that crap -- and they haven't done much to show me they can -- I'm not sure they deserve to be one of the two parties in the two-party system.

Dickhead Indicted

And just looking at his ass face makes my skin crawl.

Bombshell at SCOTUS!

annanicole
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Without the input of sure-to-be-confirmed Chief-Justice-to-be John Roberts, the Supreme Court has put Anna Nicole Smith, a.k.a. Vickie Lynn Marshall, on the agenda for their next session.

Chosen from more than 1,900 appeals, this was surely a "Pet" project of Antonin "I Heart Orgies" Scalia.

Early 2006 at SCOTUS promises to be a good time. As he gets rounder with age, Breyer could probably use a good pep talk from the Trimspa spokeswoman. Clarence Thomas will be getting the pubic hair laden Coke cans ready for the bodacious blond. And god knows, Antonin Scalia will be inviting her to join him in one of his orgies (hey, any opportunity to share that link...).

On top of everything else, Howard Stern is Anna Nicole's lawyer. Sure, it's Howard K. Stern and not the "shock jock," but still, who would've ever thought that Howard Stern and Anna Nicole Smith would be in front of the Supremes?

I'm hoping for some hard-core drunken flip-outs, followed by some seriously brutal scolding from Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Fireworks, baby. Fireworks!

Dickhead of the Week - Michael Brown

brownie
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I had a hunch Brownie would run away with it this week. He really did a heck of a job laying the blame on others.

From what I can gather, Brownie's testimony ran a little something like this: "It was the governor! It was the mayor! It was the Department of Homeland Security! It wasn't FEMA, and it sure as heckfire wasn't me! Waaaaaahhhh!"

He even acknowledged that he knows how to use email. "See? I knew it would be a big one, and I even told people! So where the heck was everyone? Hello? I mean, FEMA can't do everything!"

To add intrigue and outrage to the matter, there are a few conflicting stories around the internet(s) about Brownie's current role at FEMA, which should be "no role at all." Maybe he's still on the payroll, maybe he's gone, and maybe he's been rehired as a consultant to FEMA. A consultant? Yeah, that would make sense because he's so clearly an expert who knows everything there is to know about both emergency management and accountability.

By the way, if you do a Google News search for "Michael Brown FEMA" you get about a thousand headlines that read, "Michael Brown Blames Others..." or the like. Then, as you scroll down to the FoxNews headline: "Ex-FEMA Chief Fesses Up to Katrina Mistakes." Are these guys watching the same testimony as everyone else?

Dickheads galore, my faithful friends. Dickheads galore.

Surfers Beware

dolphin
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The US Military can neither confirm nor deny that Hurricane Katrina let loose trained, armed, and dangerous dolphins.

The intelligent, social mammals have been used by the US Navy since the 1950s. At first, dolphins were studied by engineers bent on improving the shapes of submarines and torpedoes. Soon, however, it became clear that dolphins, and even sea lions, could be trained to perform deep dives and track underwater devices. And unlike girly human divers, dolphins don't get the bends!

Recently, it seems, dolphins have been joining the US in The War On Terror. Armed with tranqs and trained to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels, Katrina may have unleashed a pod of killer dolphins upon the Gulf of Mexico. Now anyone in a wetsuit might be targeted by Navy Not-Exactly-Seals.

Nice work, everybody. That's a wrap.

The Olympics of Facial Hair

beardchamp
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I believe I first heard about the World Beard and Mustache Championships from Virgil over at Ballpeen Hammer a few months ago, but with a mere four days to go before the big competition, if you haven't already booked your ticket, now's the time.

Can current champ Willi Chevalier retain his title? Can Team USA overcome the low expectations of this "transition year" and make a strong showing, in spite of the obvious bias from the German judges, who are being paid by the German hosts? Will the Imperial Mustache category once again be marred by controversy?

Oh, the drama, the tension... the facial hair.

Simply Shocking

It's just so out of character. Who could have predicted such a turn of events?

Bronx Jokers

The Mets game Thursday evening ended up not being my final baseball game of the year. A friend got a pair of freebies to the Yankees-Blue Jays game on Friday. We're both Mets fans, so we went to hope quietly for the Jays to steal one from the Yanks at "the stadium." Naturally, this didn't happen. The Yankees won. But first...

We arrive at Yankee Stadium, and this security woman tells me I can't take my bag in. This is a bag I consistently take into Shea Stadium, so I say, appropriately, "They let me bring it into Shea." They're clearly instructed not to engage a crazed fan, or non-fan as the case may be, and she points me to the dude in charge of the jokers with bags. You see, Yankee Stadium doesn't have a damned bag check, so jokers with bags are required to go across the street to check their bags at a shitty Bronx bowling alley. Thoughts of the hundreds of jokers with bags lining up after the game haunt me, but I decide to let it go for now and go watch some damned baseball.

The dude in charge of jokers with bags has told me to just come back to him and he'll let us right in without having to go through security again, so this is what we do. He lets us in. No one actually searches me. And no one even takes my ticket. I go unchecked all the way to our seats at Yankee Stadium.

Turns out the jokers with bags aren't the only jokers.

I avoid the lines at the bag check at the bowling alley by leaving an inning and a half early. Yankee games are a fucking bore.

But the company was good, and I'm always thankful for free baseball tickets. So thanks, anonymous friend!

If You Have to Pay $10.75 for a Movie...

waverly_ifc
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

...Do it at the new IFC Center, formerly known as The Waverly.

Movie ticket prices in New York have consistently been a terrific source of anger for me. And now New York is pretty much free of movie houses that charge less than $10. One exception, of course, is Center Cinemas on Queens Boulevard here in the leafy enclave of Sunnyside, where for $7 -- $4.50 on Super Tuesdays -- you are guaranteed one of the shittiest experiences possible in movie watching.

The IFC Center almost made me feel like my $10.75 was well-earned. There's no advertising before the film (other than a pretty cool animation featuring themselves, you know, just to let you know where you are). And instead of advertising, the feature is led by a short film. Preceding a feature by a short is a long-lost ritual, and I'm hoping against hope that movie theaters everywhere will pick up the tradition again, the way the IFC Center has.

It's a cinema owned by the Independent Film Channel, so naturally, they keep a fairly interesting selection of films in the theaters. We saw "Touch the Sound," a documentary about profoundly deaf Scottish percussionist Evelyn Glennie. It was good. I was also pleased to see that they do some revivals. It's "Jules and Jim" at the moment.

The concession stand is expensive like at all movie theaters, but offers organic popcorn, fresh-brewed coffee, hot and cold teas, fancy chocolates, and baked treats.

It's the theaters themselves that made me happiest. Not only do they have stadium seating and nice screens with great sound, but the back row is a series of love seats. Dude. Love seats.

Independent film monopoly and non-union projectionists aside (they've even had the famous inflatable rat), the experience they provide is almost -- almost -- worth the cost.

Ready for Fall Now

shea-in-shadow
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Every year, I feel the need to say goodbye to the Mets in person. I go out to Shea for one final visit and wallow in my team's misery. A few years ago, a final visit was very late in the season, what some even call the post-season. But when the Mets fail to make the post-season, which is typical, I take my ever-faithful 7 train to Willets Point during the month of September to say goodbye until the spring. I determined that tonight would be the night when the Mets emailed me and told me that all I had to do to get in for free was print out the email and come to the Pepsi Picnic Area.

None of my usual baseball companions were available to join me. In a few cases, actually, they were available, but had already had enough of the Mets. Well, I had some booing to get off my chest, so I went alone.

K

While waiting in line to get into the Pepsi Picnic Area, a couple of stocky dudes are talking about some really badass fights they'd witnessed lately. I'm pretty sure they were bar fights and not boxing matches.

I'd never sat in the Pepsi Picnic Area, and it's surprisingly nice. "Nice" is relative at Shea, but for a bleachers section, the Pepsi Picnic Area's alright. It's a good pitching match-up -- Pedro Martinez vs. Dontrelle Willis -- so everyone in the Pepsi Picnic Area gets big orange K's to flash up when Pedro strikes someone out. We would eventually hold these up twice.

The email had said to arrive early, so I'm able to catch a little bit of the Marlins' batting practice. For reasons that escape me, I find batting practice to be riveting. Still, I take a look around, trying to figure out what kind of Mets fan turns up on a free-with-email promotion. I'm frankly surprised at how white most of us are, and then it occurs to me that people on their emailing list are people with computers, and people with computers can afford to buy a ticket when it comes right down to it, so I started getting annoyed with the Mets management that they weren't doing more to give away tickets to people who can't afford the ridiculous prices at Shea. But then, maybe they are. I don't actually know how the Pepsi Picnic Area is used normally, and since this is my first time in the Pepsi Picnic Area, I decide that the rest of the games every year the Mets management invites poor people to sit in the Pepsi Picnic Area. Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

The unfairness of race relations in America is really driven home when a Florida Marlin I can't identify from our distance clocks one in BP over the fence toward us and hits one of the few women of color in the stands right in the ass. It was a big target, sure, but it seemed unjust, particularly when a white teen snagged the ass-deflected ball and pocketed it.

bleachers

We're in the Laguardia Airport flight pattern tonight, so it should be a noisy one. Some male group from Yale -- the Whiffenpoofs perhaps? -- sings the national anthem. It sounds nice and gay. Play ball!

1st Inning -- Marlins don't score; Mets don't score. I count seven planes overhead.

2nd Inning -- I notice that the rowdy guys trying to get the bleacher bums into the game are the fight mongers ahead of me in line, so that's nice. They've got us chanting, "Let's Go Mets" to the tune of the "Let's Go Yankees" chant, which seems a little wrong to me. David Wright makes a play diving into the stands, and both teams make quick work of one another.
Mets: 0
Marlins: 0
Planes: 11

3rd Inning -- A mom and her adult son are sitting behind me, and I realize that they argue about everything. And the son, who's gotta be in his mid-twenties at least, doesn't know the first thing about baseball, which shouldn't be the case since he so clearly follows it closely. Their dynamic and his lack of intelligence will continue to baffle me throughout the game. The Marlins score a run, and Pedro's not looking all that solid. Fortunately, Dontrelle makes a mistake and Ramon Castro hits one out that doesn't quite reach us in the bleachers.
Mets: 1
Marlins: 1
Planes: 27

4th Inning -- Dontrelle Willis is batting 7th in the Marlins lineup. While I'm sure this isn't the first time the pitcher is batting something other than ninth, it's the first time I've ever seen it. He proves himself, hitting a single off Pedro, who still looks shaky but gets out of it unscathed.
Mets: 1
Marlins: 1
Planes: 36

5th Inning -- Things always pick up in the crowd a bit at the midpoint of the game. Those trips to buy beer are finally starting to pay dividends. A baby takes a header off the bleacher next to me and screams for the rest of the inning. The fighting dudes are still trying to get the crowd inspired. But the only thing the bleacher bums seem interested in doing is harrassing Florida left fielder Jeff Conine because, well, he's there. Mets batters come out to music, and Victor Diaz has picked a surprisingly gay one: "Listen to Your Heart" in some dance remix form. Florida scores again.
Mets: 1
Marlins: 2
Planes: 44

scoreboard

6th Inning -- Pedro's been taken out after five shaky innings, and for the life of me I can't figure out who's pitching. It would be smart of Willie Randolph to put in Braden Looper. It would be so unexpected for the fans to see him in the 6th inning, they would probably miss the opportunity to boo the current pitching scapegoat. The other scapegoat these days is Carlos Beltran, the mediocre $117 million centerfielder. He gets a couple hits in the game, but that only brings sarcastic cheers and more jeers.
Mets: 1
Marlins: 2
Planes: 52

7th Inning -- Conine hits a triple. Conine?? The guy can barely run out to left field. The 7th inning stretch is always fun at Shea. "Lazy Mary" gets people bouncing even better than "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." And thankfully, the Mets gave up on "God Bless America." There's a distinct rise in drunkenness and rowdiness. The Mets threaten in their half of the inning, and Mike Piazza pinch-hits. The crowd goes absolutely ape-shit. Mikey's in his last year of a 7-year contract, and the fans are appreciating him more than normal. It's nice. The mother behind me has been complaining all game that he didn't start. Once she sees Mikey hit one out live, she can die a happy woman. He strikes out to end the inning, but no one boos out of respect for his service to the team. But now, unfortunately, the mother behind me will die miserable.
Mets: 1
Marlins: 2
Planes: 61

8th Inning -- The crowd starts leaving, wanting to beat traffic and avoid more Mets mediocrity. This has been a frustrating team. They've almost been in it all year, but not really. After a few seasons of total crap, I've been OK about the "transition" year, even though their payroll implies they're more than "in transition." They've hovered around .500 all year, which is pretty much how good I think they are. But I'm beginning to sense the pervasive unhappiness in the fans at Shea. It's certainly an unhappiness that transcends the Mets, but society is probably lucky that most of these people attribute their unhappiness to the lack of the Mets success. If they ever realized it was more than that, Queens would see riots.
Mets: 1
Marlins: 2
Planes: 69

9th Inning -- Another third of the crowd leaves, and it's eerily quiet. Several security guards enter the bleachers and insist that a couple of dudes leave. I have no idea what they did, but one is wearing a Joe McEwing jersey, so really, how dangerous can they be? The Mets lose, which is appropriate enough for my final game. See you in the spring, boys.
Mets: 1
Marlins: 2
Planes: 79

Go Get Him, Martha Stewart

Oh, Frisky... Frisky, Frisky, Frisky, Frisky...

Nice Cans!

New York's finally getting its own "freestanding public" toilets.

First of all, since the user will have to pay a "nominal" fee, I don't think they can be called "public." Really, aren't they private toilets in public spaces?

Secondly, as part of the deal, the toilet company will also be "providing aesthetic order" to the city's bus shelters and newspaper stands. The company will install everything at no charge, and the city will, in turn, sell advertising. Since when does advertising "provide aesthetic order"?

I'm not necessarily against this company or the city's desire to charge people to pee (after all, I know many places in the city where you can pee for free). I just wish they'd call things what they are -- pay toilets (and other amenities) that sell crap.

Dickhead of the Week - Hurricane Rita

rita
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Now a Category 4 storm, Hurricane Rita has entered the Gulf of Mexico, and as of this moment appears to be heading toward Houston. It's not my intention to make light of the hurricane by naming it DotW, because the fact is, I find the prospect of another hurricane nailing the Gulf Coast to be truly terrifying. And for reasons that escape me, it makes me mad the way that Dickheads make me mad. The storm is already requiring evacuees from New Orleans to evacuate their temporary homes. I'd like to think that the federal government will be better prepared this time, but I worry about how much improvement can be made in the space of a few weeks. There's an outrageous unfairness to Hurricane Rita. What's the best-case scenario here? Should we hope that it hits New Orleans, since the bulk of the people have left there anyway, and the city's already fucked? Or should we hope it hits some place that's "prepared" to handle it? And who's the real Dickhead? Is it some entity responsible for global warming that makes the Gulf of Mexico a few degrees warmer than it should be, resulting in ideal hurricane-strengthening conditions? Is Mother Nature the real Dickhead? Or God? Since I don't know, Rita, and you're the one wreaking havoc, I'm afraid I'm blaming you. Let's hope for the best, whatever that may be...

Give 'Em Hell, Harry II

harryreid
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I have not always been impressed with Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid. His rise to power coincided with Bush's victory, which at the time was attributed to the so-called "moral values" vote. In response, the Democrats, in their typical let's-show-the-people-what-we-really-stand-for way, named the pro-life Reid to lead them in the Senate. So the man's always had at least one strike against him in my scorebook.

I even named him Dickhead of the Week a few short months ago, until he got out Dickheaded by Frisky Frist, and I was forced to change winners.

But Harry's shown some fire of late. After what I considered to be a rocky start when dealing with the "nuclear option," he wrote Frisky an open letter, saying the closest thing to "Bring It On" a Democrat can pull off.

Harry's also become the first Democrat outside the Senate judiciary committee to say he'll vote "no" on Supreme Court Chief Justice nominee John Roberts. At this point, crusty liberal Ted Kennedy is the only other person on the record opposing Roberts. And Ted wouldn't be Ted if he didn't do the crusty liberal thing.

It appears the liberal lobbying groups have Harry's ear, and I find this to be the most heartening news. He came to his decision after meeting with the likes of NOW and NAACP, and others. Maybe liberal web activism does make an occasional difference.

Roberts will surely be confirmed, unless the currently unreleased memos get released and reveal him to be a member of the KKK, and Harry's stance may be symbolic only. But I like that he's laying the groundwork for the fight on the second Supreme Court nominee.

Now, Harry, I'd just ask that you follow through and really fight when the time comes. Be the balls of the Democratic Party. They've been shriveled for a long, long time.

Report From Queens

banner
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's Restaurant Week in Queens, and hungry locals flock to their favorite eateries in the hopes of good deals on good meals. In a shout out to the New York World's Fair, hosted by our fair borough, three courses at a number of high-end restaurants will run Sunnysiders, Maspethians, and even Elmhurstites a mere $19.64. Proudly demonstrating our working class roots while simultaneously raising epicurian eyebrows, the list of participating restaurants includes the world famous White Castle, located in the heart of Sunnyside along the Boulevard of Death. Three courses of mini-burgers for $19.64? You know it. This is Queens, bitch.

Plumbing Needs

Do you suppose it's intentional that my local bodega keeps the prune juice next to the Drano?

Dickhead of the Week - Follow-Up - Dennis Kozlowski

kozlowski
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The man was sentenced to 8 to 25 years for robbing his own company blind and lying to shareholders. Unlike fellow Dickhead Bernie Ebbers, Dennis was tried in state court, which means he'll be eligible for parole.

Apparently, critics (and some former prosecutors) are saying that these white collar criminals are being nailed too hard, as even many violent crimes are punished less severely. I say those critics (and some former prosecutors) are wrong. These greedy SOB's should have their testicles stapled to the wall. Or barring that, long prison sentences. The only thing separating these bastards from violent criminals is millions of dollars.

TimesSelect

My primary source of news, The New York Times, began a pay subscription service today for a portion of their online presence. Called TimesSelect, no longer can we read for free Op-Ed pieces or feature articles in most categories (including anything about the Mets not directly related to a game).

Fuck you, too, New York Times.

Great, In Theory

Seventh Generation logo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

"In our every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations."

This quote comes from Great Law of the Iriquois Confederacy, and serves as the motto for the Seventh Generation company.

Based in Vermont (of course), Seventh Generation makes environmentally friendly products. I can get behind this. I mean, hell, who doesn't want a toxic-free home?

Among their product line are just two items I can't support, and it is with a heavy heart that I post anything negative about this otherwise worthy company. But alas...

First, the bathroom tissue, which is something I've always called toilet paper. I don't remember when marketers decided that bathroom tissue was preferable, but Seventh Generation follows this line of thinking. Perhaps, the company is looking to the future. Maybe seven generations from now, pranksters will go BTing instead of TPing.

But really, my issue with the tissue comes down to softness. I want to save the environment in the long run, but in the short term, I must yield to my ass.

The other even more problematic product is the laundry detergent. Their website claims a new formula, and perhaps I will give it another try, but the one time I used it, my entire wardrobe smelled like a combination of B.O. and patchouli. Hippies have many positive things going for them, but I would argue that personal hygeine is not one of them. Seventh Generation should strive to smell cleaner than a hippie.

I heartily endorse all of their other products. I mean, in seven generations, the polar ice caps will have melted and any survivors will be living in Kevin Costner's Waterworld, but it's nice to do what we can.

The Struggles of the Entitled

The Bush family likes the drinky.

We all know about our president's history with the hooch, which our Lord Jesus Christ helped him to stop relying on so much. (Except for maybe at a wedding a full six years after he "quit cold turkey.")

And of course, most of us remember a few years ago the story of the first daughters that resulted in one of the all-time great New York Post headlines: Jenna & Tonic!

Florida Governor Jeb seems to have trouble with his children as well. In 2002, daughter Noelle got busted passing off a fake prescription to get her hands on more Xanex.

The latest in what is clearly a long line of Bush family legal incidents (and the reason for my rediscovery of The Smoking Gun) features Jeb's youngest, John Ellis Bush, who got himself arrested in Austin for getting all tore up and then acting like an asshole.

Our esteemed Commander-in-Chief has cut the middle man out of his life, i.e. the bottle, and now just acts like a sober asshole.

There's actually much more at the Smoking Gun about the Bush family dynasty, as well as a couple DUI's for Dick(head) Cheney, so spend a little time having fun.

Report From Vermont

sterling_weed
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The Green Mountain State mourns the passing of the oldest (formerly) living band leader, Sterling Weed, who died this past Sunday at his home in St. Albans. A spry 104, Sterling gave Strom Thurmond the proverbial finger not only by out-living the old racist coot, but by staying just as active to the end. Participating in his last gig less than a month ago (although a bladder infection kept him from playing his sax), locals partied like it was 1940, swinging to the classic tunes of Weed's Imperial Orchestra. Vermonters everywhere wonder: who can take Weed's place? Who can wail on that saxophone and strum the music in our hearts? Who the hell can live that freakin' long? The man was bald. The man was effective. And we honor him.

Scotland Rules

cliffs
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A land of topographical beauty, fried cuisine, inclimate weather, and one of the best women on earth, Scotland has given me yet another reason to love it.

Scotland's national newspaper, The Scotsman, offered the best coverage of Bush's speech to the U.N. That they bring a handwriting expert in at the end is simply the investigative journalistic icing on the cake.

Thanks to Binx for the linx.

Get the Padded Room Ready

I think we've lost David Brooks.

The Priesthood Is No Place for Queers

vatican
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Proving once again (still) that they have absolutely no understanding of the pedophilia scandal that has rocked the priesthood in the past few years, the Vatican has decided to crack down on homo-priests.

Look, jackasses... If priests are gay, they'll want to hit on me, not my child. The two issues are totally separate from one another, and until you fucking figure that out, you'll not only suffer from a major shortage of priests, but you'll never get to the source of the abuse.

Don't Fuck With Baldy. Thus Saith the Lord.

GutenbergBible
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Thus implieth the Lord, actually, but still, when the Lord implieth something, the message readeth clear.

Some of you familiar with the Old Testament may recall the story of Elijah riding to heaven in a fiery chariot. For those of you who don't recall that story, suffice to say, Elijah rode to heaven in a fiery chariot.

There was one witness to this event: Elijah's protege, Elisha. In the mentor/protege relationship the only regular problem they had, particularly as Elijah got older, was confusion with the name. Neighbor Lou's kid, for example, would shout, "Elisha, come out to play!" and Elijah would bound out of his comfy chair, grab his first baseman's mitt, and come outside. Lou's kid, having nothing of it, would say, "No, not you, Elijah. Elisha. E-LIE-SHA." Elijah would throw his mitt to the ground and go off to sulk, while Elisha ran off to play with Lou's kid. But that's sort of out of the scope of my discussion today.

After Elijah rode to heaven in his fiery chariot, Elisha took over the bulk of the prophesizing duties. Elijah was a heavy-hitter in the world of prophecy, so Elisha was determined to work hard and prove his mettle. And God supported him however he could.

So when, on his inaugural prophesizing journey, Elisha found himself getting mocked by some bratty children for being bald... well, let's read. The following is taken from the Revised Standard Version of the Holy Bible (the preferred version of Topeka Lutheran School), 2 Kings 2: 23-25:

"[23] [Eli'sha] went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, 'Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!'

"[24] And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.

"[25] From there he went on to Mount Carmel, and thence he returned to Sama'ria."

Yes, you read that right. The Lord sent two she-bears to maul forty-two boys, and Elisha just went on with his business.

So next time you're considering mocking your fellow man (or woman) for a lack of hair follicles, think of Elisha. Nay, think of the children.

Here endeth the lesson.

Dickhead of the Week - Pat Robertson

squintypat
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Maybe Pat "Squinty" Robertson is my new obsession to rival the one I've got for Karl "Boba" Rove, but as Pat reaffirms his status as the most pro-death of the pro-lifers, he's this week's Dickhead.

Squinty has laid relatively low since he called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez, Venezuela's democratically elected and resilient president. And his on-camera prayers requesting vacancies on the Supreme Court were answered, when the Lord Jesus Christ bumped off Chief Justice Rehnquist last week.

But Squinty has resurfaced on the FEMA website. How can you help victims of Hurrican Katrina? Donate to Squinty's Operation Blessing, one of the world's most nefarious tax shelters. The article sums up some of Pat's/Operation Blessing's activities that are not only hypocritical, but also at least potentially illegal.

Greg Palast's book The Best Democracy Money Can Buy includes even more eye-opening information about Squinty and all the various filthy sources of income this douchbag has.

While I know there are some who insist our Commander-in-Chief is the Worst Christian in the World, my vote still goes to Pat Robertson. But even if we can't agree on that specific point, I think we can all agree that Squinty Robertson is a Dickhead of the First Degree.

New York Primary - A Shill

Since I'm in Vermont and won't be able to vote in today's primary election in New York, I'm plugging my choices in the hope that I can shore up a few extra votes from those who may otherwise be undecided. So, what, that might be a solitary B&E reader?

For mayor, I guess I think it's hard to go too wrong, although Fernando Ferrer is probably my least favorite (and most likely to win). I'm most enthuisiastic about Anthony Weiner, congressman of Brooklyn, who's got a strong progressive record. For public advocate, I like Norman Siegel, who's also a good lefty.

Ultimately, I guess I'm saying that if you're progressive, you should "vote Jew."

There Goes the Scapegoat

Brownie did a heck of a job resigning from his FEMA post today.

Even before Katrina hit the Gulf coast, there were reports stating that Michael Brown was going to resign soon. Turns out he was shocked -- shocked -- to find that his assumed-to-be cushy appointment actually required that work get done.

And with Brownie, accountability will go right out the door as well. He's had his margarita, his Mexican meal, and his good night's sleep, and his criminal incompetence will be the beginning and end of the "blame game" from the right-side of the political spectrum.

They'll probably figure out a way to blame the Valerie Plame/Karl "Boba" Rove/Mother Dickhead leaks, and their cover-ups, on Brownie as well. The buck stops there. Bastards.

The Process

clippers
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

About once I week I do a serious grooming from the neck up.

I use the Ultimate Groomer from Sharper Image, but having used Wahl products in the past, I can vouch for their quality as well. Most clippers come with various attachments, as you can see in the photo.

My recommendation is that prior to the actual clipping, you at least remove your shirt. It's one less way for hair to be tracked through your home.

Having experimented with the attachments, I now put the clippers to my head and face sans attachments. I go the same length all the way around. Oddly enough, it doesn't really look like that most of the time. Because my facial hair is thicker than my head hair, my face tends to look hairier than my head. I actually sort of like that look, and in winter, I'll sometimes add the shortest attachment to the clippers as I groom my roundish mug, and then remove the attachment for my shiny pate.

Without an attachment, the clippers can sometimes be dangerous. If you have any welts on your head or face (from bug bites, zits, or other sources), the clippers could very well cause bleeding. I find it best just to let it clot, take note, and worry about it later (see showering, below).

Hair shoots off in many directions, and it takes some skill to keep it in or near the sink. I do my grooming in the bathroom over the sink, as it's in front of a mirror. Now that I've been shaving my head this way for almost a decade, however, I can do it without the mirror (one hand clips, while the other feels the progress). Still, when it comes to clean-up, it's best to have some sort of basin to capture as much of the hair as possible.

I recommend clearing everything off the sink. It'll make the post-shaving process that much easier. A dry sink is preferable to a wet one. Once the shaving is done, pick up as much of the hair as possible in your hands and put it in the toilet. Your hair is much less likely to clog a toilet than a sink. Because hair floats, it might take more than one flush to get it all down. Be vigilant.

There will be many straggling hairs on the sink. Don't panic. Those are the ones you wash down the drain. Splash water freely over the sink and get as much of it down there as you can. A few stragglers will remain. Take some toilet paper or Kleenex and wipe down the sink.

This once-a-week, post-grooming cleaning can also keep your sink nice and shiny. Guests will be impressed. (As for the cleanliness of your toilet and shower, well, that takes a special effort.)

Even with a spotless sink, it's no time to let down your guard. Your head, face, and shoulders will still be covered in tiny hairs. It's is vital that you get immediately into the shower, another argument for using the bathroom sink as your hair-catching basin. You will get hair all over your home if you don't immediately shower.

It is during this shower that you'll not only wash away the itchy hairs off your head, neck, and face, but that you'll also put some focus on washing the congealed blood off your injured scalp and/or face. Once finished with your shower, revisit your wounds and make sure you're scab-free.

Numerous factors can determine the next step -- spouses, a night out on the town, photo shoots, sexual orientation, and more. Ultimately, it comes down to a decision: to moisturize or not to moisturize. I usually don't, but that's only because I prefer to get the head rub from my wife.

And that's pretty much the process. Thanks for reading. I just figured B&E readers should understand what it is I go through in order to be B&E.

Well, the Games Were Meaningful

The Mets have lost five in a row and nine of their last ten to drop below .500 for the first time since mid-July. The meaningful games they were playing here in September have taken the meaning right out of their season. Management has begun looking toward next year.

Boy, I hate it when they give me hope. But at least now I have a few weeks to get over the Mets, so that I can enjoy the post-season on a purely objective level. And unlike the Mets, those teams'll probably be playing, like, real baseball n' shit.

Nice Goin', Genius

defensivebush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Apparently, one of the reasons things were so screwed up with the hurricane relief effort is that the White House, i.e. Bushie, was finding it difficult to get complete information.

The New York Times reports today that it was an aide who first informed our esteemed president about the throngs of sick, hungry, and dying people at the New Orleans convention center. And the aide got it off the news wire. Until that moment, the White House was unaware that there were even people at the convention center at all. Michael Chertoff, who'd been getting his information from Michael Brown, said nary a word about it in their meeting that morning.

So why were they having such a hard time getting honest information?

Gee, Mr. President. Could it be that you've made it painfully clear you don't like to hear bad news? Is it possible that you've created such a fear of backlash that people don't want to tell you the harsh reality of a situation because it seems like every time people do that, they end up on your shitlist, and either get fired or resign?

So it seems that one of the Michaels wasn't giving complete reports - either Brown wasn't telling Chertoff, or Chertoff wasn't telling you. And while the whole thing has turned into a bit of a public relations nightmare, by keeping you in the dark, both have managed to keep their jobs.

Bob n' Weave

questionsforscottie
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

This tidbit's edited slightly from today's briefing. I just took out a second questioner that Scottie was trying to move on to, because it muddled the transcript a bit.

I believe the reporter here is ABC's Jessica Yellin.

Q Scott, they're not giving the media the information we need to get out there.

MR. McCLELLAN: Don't get so exasperated, we're continuing to brief you all.

Q No, we're not getting information on the debit cards. How do we tell people where to get them?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, that's -- there --

Q We're not getting information.

MR. McCLELLAN: They're continuing to put out information --

Q Can you just tell us, because we can't get it from them.

MR. McCLELLAN: Jessica, I'm going to go on to the next person. You don't need to get --

Q Who do we talk to? Where can we get the information?

MR. McCLELLAN: People are providing that information. I just provided you information that was put out by the Department of Homeland Security... You can get dramatic here, but the facts are that people are providing regular updates.

Q Just tell us where to get it.

MR. McCLELLAN: FEMA can provide you with information on the debit cards.

Q They're not. They're not. Our people on the ground are not getting it.

MR. McCLELLAN: Tell me who they are we'll get them the information.

You think Scottie described Jessica as "dramatic" because she's a girl? I bet Scott's wife gets "dramatic" all the time, particularly around that time of the month.

No One Loyal to the Administration Actually Gets Fired

So FEMA director Michael Brown was relieved of his on-site command, and is back to his cushy job in Washington.

Hey, man. No blood, no foul.

Party Man

arnold
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

In spite of his Chelsea-boy physique, his years in queer Hollywood, and his actual feelings on the issue of gay rights, Arnold has promised to veto the gay marriage bill passed by the California legislature.

Arnie also appears to have learned how to speak in that thick accent out both sides of his mouth. You see, he's not vetoing the bill because he's anti-fag. Oh, no, it's just that it's an issue that shouldn't be decided by the legislature. Let's leave it to the voters, or even the (activist) courts.

Seems that only staunch Republicans support the Governator these days, and the last thing he wants to do is piss them off.

So show off your political muscle, Arnold, and piss off the queers instead. Everyone hates them anyway.

Today's Briefing

scottiefist
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Here's today's briefing from the White House Stonewaller of Communications, Scott McClellan. While it lacks some of the spark of the past couple days' briefings, it's worth a perusal. And it did yield this nugget, about halfway through the proceedings:

Q Why does the President believe it is morally justified, why is it the right thing to give some of the richest people on the planet a huge tax cut right now?

MR. McCLELLAN: It's not a fair --

Q Well, that's what the estate tax cut repeal, making it permanent, is, isn't it? There are some people who want to hand on billions -- hundreds of millions of dollars to their --

MR. McCLELLAN: No, no -- the tax cut you're talking about -- I don't know of any that are expiring this year. They expire in later years.

Q Right. But why at this point in our history is it justified, morally right to do that?

MR. McCLELLAN: First of all, I'd have to dispute your characterization, because all Americans receive tax cuts. We went through a very difficult time, economically, and our national economy is really a lifeline for that region that has been hit by this hurricane. We must continue to keep our national economy growing and creating jobs. The latest unemployment numbers are down to 4.9 percent last week, more than 4 million jobs created since May of 2003. We've made tremendous progress to keep our economy growing and get people -- and create jobs.

Q And there's no way to ask the richest people in America to sacrifice?

MR. McCLELLAN: And the economy -- keeping our economy growing stronger is important to helping with the rebuilding and recovery efforts on the ground. The last thing we want to do is take more money from lower-income Americans that have been affected by this and that have received significant help from those -- from those tax cuts.

Q That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about taking money from higher-income Americans.

MR. McCLELLAN: And we're going to remain focused right now on our highest priority.

Heh. He said, "Highest."

Run Like the Wind!

Certainly one way to evacuate New Orleans is to send Satan's head minion to scare the shit out of the hold-outs.

Report From Vermont

vtexpos
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A decades-old moniker gets its final hurrah, when the mighty Expos of Vermont play their last game of the season this evening. Like most teams called Expos, the Class A independent league affiliate finds itself at the bottom of the standings, but firmly entrenched in the hearts of Green Mountaineers across the state. A name-the-team contest has been raging throughout the season, which is more than can be said for the competition on the field. Vermonters everywhere ponder the possibilities. A few nicknames in the running include nods to the political-mindedness of the crowd (The Independents, The Howlin' Howards), the state's rich history (The Green Mountain Boys), its fear of outsiders (The Locals), even regional jargon (The Jeezum Crows). Whatever the name, the team's owner aspires toward greatness in merchandising, if not in baseball prowess. Instead of expressing brotherhood with their neighbors to the north, the team's new goal is to be like Ben & Jerry's or maple syrup or ski slopes -- that is, to be a symbol of the Green Mountain state on an elysian national playing field.

As It Was in the Beginning

On the first day of the season, Mets closer Braden Looper ended the game by giving up a three-run home run without retiring a single batter. His ERA was therefore infinite. I'd never seen that before.

Tonight he managed something else I don't think I've ever seen. He blew a save twice in one game. I guess technically, he didn't blow a save the second time, but what happened was this...

The aging Tom Glavine pitched a beauty, giving up only one run and working into the 8th inning. With the Mets leading 2-1 in the 9th, Looper promptly came in and gave up the tying run, blowing the save. In the 10th, the Mets did what I never expect, and scored a run in extra innings. Now up 3-2, Looper loaded the bases without retiring a single batter. So Mets manager Willie Randolph brought in the new Japanese guy Takatsu to attempt to clean up Braden's mess. Takatsu got the next two batters to pop up before giving up a single, which scored two runs, winning the game for the most hated team (by me) in baseball, the Atlanta Braves.

Braden, buddy, I gotta hand it to you. Not only are you terrible when it matters most, but you are terrible in ways I never thought possible. Maybe you're a mad pitching genius, working on some artistic level no one understands.

The Mets are now one game over .500, working very hard, thanks to the efforts of Braden Looper and others, to run themselves right out of the playoff race.