The 8th Wonder of the World

astrodome
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

During my three-and-a-half years in Texas, between the ages of five and nine, the Astrodome was the most magical place on earth. After all, the Astros played in the Astrodome on Astroturf. It was enough to make you wet yourself with glee.

Astros and Oilers games, rodeos, demolition derbies, monster truck rallies... This makes up but one part of the magic of the Astrodome.

The thing I remember most about Texas in general was the 100-degree heat with the 90% humidity. In November. Shorts at Christmas. The place was miserably fucking hot.

The Astrodome, however, was the coolest place on earth, a perfect 72 degrees and dry everyday. When Joe Niekro pitched his wacky knuckleball, the AC blew out toward the pitcher's mound to make his ball dance more. I'm telling you: the Astrodome was magic. And it knew it, too. The Astrodome people called it the 8th Wonder of the World. I believed them.

The Astros left the magical (and 40-year-old) Astrodome years ago. The Oilers left town completely and became the Tennessee Titans. Houston now has the Houston Texans (a name dumb enough to do the Phillies proud), but they don't play in the Dome.

No, the Astrodome doesn't get much use these days. So now that New Orleans is being evacuated in total (a concept I can't seem to get my head around), refugees from the far inferior Superdome are headed to the Astrodome.

What few events the Astrodome had planned have been cleared through the end of the year. People will be living in the Astrodome for at least four months. Even my seven-year-old self would fail to see the magic in that. But it's nice to have a reason to root for the Astrodome again.

Meaningful Games

It's been years since the Mets have played "meaningful games" as September approaches. They played their first last night against the current wild-card leader Philadelphia Phillies. And it was a doozy. A three-run home run by Ramon Castro in the 8th inning to come from behind to win... Boy, baseball's great. And now the Mets are only a half-game out of the wild card position. Oh, those bastards are giving me hope.

The Phillies, by the way, are the only team in baseball whose mascot name is also the name of the city. The New York New Yorkers? The Boston Bosties? The Kansas City Cities? What the hell is wrong with the good people of Philadelphia?

Katrina

Rush "Pass the Painkillers" Limbaugh has begun referring to Hurricane Katrina as Katrina vandel Heuvel. For those of you who don't know, she's editor in chief of The Nation, the lefty rag I'm so fond of.

So while the waters rise in New Orleans, while the death toll rises across the Gulf coast, while many, many people are without homes or power, Rush gets the biggest, fattest, blindest, most addicted laugh in the country.

(I got this one via The Huffington Post.)

Scottie's Success

questionsforscottie
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Remember Mother Dickhead, a.k.a. Karl "Boba" Rove? Haven't heard much about that lately, have we?

Salon has a feature worth reading. The writer managed to get into the press briefing room during those contentious (and gorgeous) days, in which the White House press corps actually asked tough questions of Scotty "Go Ahead, Goyal" McClellan.

Unlike the briefings I've linked to in the past, Salon describes the feeling in the room at certain moments and discusses some of the specific members of the press. A good read.

Salon is subscription-only, but if you're willing to sit through a brief advertisement, you can get yourself a free day-pass.

And as long as you've got your free pass, read about the bullshit happening at the FCC, too. Oy.

The Front Page Wanker

Naturally, I've eaten at his restaurant. And it was good -- was being the operative word.

At least I'm at home when I don't wear pants. Excuse me while I go throw up.

Naked Chat Rooms

chatroom
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

China's trying to have it both ways, it seems. While allowing its citizens access to the information superhighway/world wide web/internet(s), due to the enormous commercial potential of a billion or so consumers, the Chinese government is still the Chinese government. So they're trying to control it.

One battle they're losing, it seems, is the fight against naked chatting, which is taking our red brethren and sistren by storm.

If US usage of the internet has proven anything, it's this: if it can be done, it can be done better naked.

Right now, for example, I'm not wearing any pants. In fact, when I'm being bald and effective, I'm rarely wearing pants. Haunting, isn't it?

Have a nice day!

Ah, Sweet Nectar of Life

I don't need an excuse, but I'm glad I have one.

Brewers Get 3rd Place!

brewers
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Again, I swear to the Lord God in heaven above that it's unrelated, but the Brewers won on Sunday in the final game of the season, which I was unable to attend.

In a game of reportedly legitimate baseball, the McNeill's Brewers defeated the Putney Fossils by a score of 7-1, taking the proverbial third place trophy in the Connecticut River Valey Baseball League.

Third place in our league of six, by the way, means we finished in the top half. With victories in two of three playoff games, I sure hope that expectations aren't too much higher for next year, when I anticipate that the Brewers will remain about as terrible as this year.

In the meantime, well done, boys. Train hard in the off season.

Dickhead of the Week - The Silent Dickhead

question
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

For the past twenty years, Bunnatine H. Greenhouse has been working in military procurement for the Army, and she did her job so well that for the past several years, she's been chief overseer of contracts for the Army Corps of Engineers.

Since 2003, with little fanfare, Greenhouse has been officially critical of the no-bid contracts being awarded to Halliburton and its subsidiaries. Since the contracts have been granted without following official procedure, she has raised strong objections.

So Greenhouse got demoted. The Army calls it poor work performance. Greenhouse's lawyer calls it retaliation.

Retaliation? Really? And could it be coming from inside the Bush administration? Dun-dun-DUNNNNN!

But who? Former head of Halliburton Dick(head) Cheney? Top Neo-conning Pentagoner Donny-boy Rumsfeld? Karl "I'll Kill Your Mother if You Touch My Sandwich" Rove? Or hell, maybe there was no directive from above and Lt. Gen. Carl A. Strock, commander of the corps, simply did the thing he knows the higher ups would want.

I bet she gets audited, too. What a colossal bunch of Dickheads.

Trouble at the "You Don't Speak For Me, Cindy!" Tour

And the trouble lies in more than just its name.

Proving once again that the right has no clue how to protest a protest, confusion and destruction broke out in the pro-Bush camp in Crawford, Texas. Protest Warrior, a pro-war group that frequently holds counter protests to anti-war rallies, showed up in the pro-Bush camp with signs reading, "Say No To War - Unless a Democrat is President." Still struggling to find catchy mottos, the Protest Warriors cretaed a murky message. And let's face it: nuance isn't the right's strong suit.

Seeing that "Say No To War" signs had infiltrated their ranks, pro-Bushies attacked the Protest Warriors and broke their signs, before realizing they were all on the same side.

Surely, this represents some type of tipping point.

Our Last Bald President?

ike
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

While hanging out with my fellow baldies last night (I have large number of bald friends, and not just the men), one made the matter-of-fact statement that we'll never elect a bald president again.

Relating to the all-important media image now necessary in national politics, he may have raised a good point. But I feel like us baldies are discovering a resurgence in our self-confidence. No longer relying on rugs, pieces, and weaves (Trent Lott notwithstanding), we have learned how to look (relatively) good while being follicly-challenged.

So I feel there's hope for the shiny pate to return to the Oval Office. We do, after all, have the most appropriately shaped head for being in the Oval Office.

But until my bald buddy can be proven wrong, we have Ike shining the way like a beacon (reflectively off his prominent forehead) for what bald folk could once, and perhaps could still, accomplish.

And let's look at the man's legacy. Born in Kansas, a bald, treeless state if ever there was one, Dwight is best known for creating our national Interstate system. He built bald surfaces all over the country to pay homage to his own head. The man was a genius.

And Ike had it right: keep what little hair you have cropped short. For him, perhaps, it was more about his military background than his ultra-hip image (although he was known to wear red Chuck Taylors with his beige suits), but still, he was a precursor to today's Michael Jordans and Woody Harrelsons.

Of course, someone was telling me they read some article calling today's shaved head the "new comb-over," simply a means to covering our baldness. Well, I'd like to invite that person to suck another bald head I happen to possess.

No Hit 'Til the Sixth

trachs
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A special shout-out goes to Steve Trachsel of the Mets, who pitched last night for the first time this season. Trachs had himself back surgery during spring training to fix a herniated disk, and pitched a gem. He had a no-hitter going until there were two outs in the sixth, and he pitched eight innings of shutout baseball. The Mets won 1-0 for their fifth straight victory.

The Mets have themselves six quality starting pitchers at the moment, which is a problem most teams would like to have.

New Met and former Cyclone Mike Jacobs went hitless for the first time in his five major league games.

Now that they're a game-and-a-half out of the wild card race, and only four games off the lead, the bastards are giving me hope. I hate it when they do that.

Bring 'Em On (and I Mean the Banjos)!

deliverance
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The "You Don't Speak For Me, Cindy" Tour is about to reach its destination -- the football field at a local high school in Crawford, Texas. The tour hopes to counteract the success of the Cindy Sheehan protest. She is, after all, an incredibly threatening, middle aged mother, who needs to go down.

But I'm beginning to think that the right-wing has no copywriters among its ranks. The "You Don't Speak For Me, Cindy!" Tour? A bit clumsy, no? If you're gonna plan a whole tour, you might as well give it a catchy name.

And this tour name can't hold a candle to the Department of Defense-sponsored "American Supports You Freedom Walk." Depending upon where you place the clearly missing punctuation, this name could mean any number of things. I won't get into it, as Titivil has already analyzed this in depth with a couple of follow ups.

The Republican Party has proven they know how to control a message better than the Democrats. How come they can't seem to do better at the public demonstration aspect of things? Is it the lack of irony?

Nice Gams, Lady

Who gets to decide which legs are perfect, anyway? Does a new bureaucracy get created to judge ladies' legs? If there are perfect-legged ladies not wearing mini-skirts, do they have to go change?

I know things are very different in the eastern bloc, but how does this fit into the conservative mentality?

Puny Punitives

vioxx
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I was reading a little bit about the whole Vioxx/Merck thing that's been going on, you know, the widow of the dude whose death has been tied to his use of Vioxx being awarded $253.5 million. Naturally, it's not just that Vioxx caused the guy's death, but that Merck knew of the dangers and hid them from the public so they could continue to profit off the enormously popular painkiller.

Anyway, one off-handed line in one article mentions that in this case, Merck will only have to pay out $26.1 million, which could be lowered still in the appellate courts, because Texas has a limit set on punitive damages.

I admit that $26.1 million remains a rather large amount of money. And yes, there are many lawsuits worldwide, class action and otherwise, pending against Merck, who may be royally fucked, no matter how low the individual case damages may be.

But Merck should be fucked. They hid that their medicine kills people because it would cost them some cash. And other pharmaceutical companies should look to this case as a warning. Once you start limiting punitive damages (up yours, Texas), companies start calculating risk. "Let's see, we made $80 million in Texas last year. What's one lousy $26.1 million payout? Keep selling, baby!"

God knows these huge companies are given free reign under Bushie's watch, and the recent bill passed making it more difficult get a federal class action suit going is certainly no exception. But Big Pharma must be included in any discussion of corporate reform.

Oh, wait! What discussion? With our short attention spans and singular focus, the war is everything right now. Corporate greed and capitalism run amok has fallen off the radar, which leaves discussing corporate reform about as popular as getting herpes.

Fortunately, GlaxoSmithKline has Valtrex for that.

Hope I Don't Jinx Them Again

So the Mets are on a recent tear (tears for the Mets are relative), and are currently in a three-way tie for third place. Of course, this also means that they're in a three-way tie for last place, but if you have the half-empty mentality where the Mets are concerned, you'll take a header off the massive upper deck at Shea.

The Latest From Our Friend Pat

pat
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Having avoided reporters since he first said that the U.S. should assassinate Hugo Chavez, Pat "I Feel the Hatred of Christ" Robertson got on his so-called Christian network today to apologize.

Oh, wait. No, he didn't apologize. A proper Christian has no sense of humility, you see. So he put the blame on the media, saying that as usual he was misrepresented. You know, it's all part of that war against Christians that has led to the Christian domination of the government.

Sorry, Pat-with-the-androgynous-name. You did actually say, "Assassination," no matter how much you want to claim you didn't.

Let's see... Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness is Commandment Number Nine for most Protestants and Jews. For some reason, it's Commandment Number Eight for Catholics and the Lutherans (such as myself) who memorized Martin Luther's Small Catechism as part of our Confirmation. Either way, Pat, you've heard of the Ten Commandments. And as someone who supports putting said Commandments in as many public places as possible, you sure as hell should know that lying is a sin.

So go apologize to God, Pat. You're pissing Him/Her off.

Oh, and by the way, assassination/murder is a sin, too. So go apologize to God for wishing that on someone, too.

Are you, like, the worst Christian in the world?

Deliciousness from a New Met

I'd like to draw everyone's attention to a great story over on Titivil today. It is truly what he says: the greatest fat shirtless guy story ever told. And Mike Jacobs is my new favorite Met.

An Assassination Endorsed by Jesus Himself

It's possible - just possible - that Pat Robertson should've been Dickhead of the Week. He did, after all, suggest we murder another country's leader.

Of course, then you have to get into the debate about who's a bigger Dickhead. I mean, this isn't all that far out of character for Pat, but there are a whole slew of folks in the Bush administration, including the Commander-in-Chief himself, who remain mum on the subject, when it should be a no-brainer to condemn such a thing.

Venezuela, by the way, is one of those countries about which there's little press coverage, unless it's to discuss the most recent U.S.-backed effort to get rid of their rightfully-elected president, Hugo Chavez. He's survived everything from a recall referendum to a coup attempt. Read more about Venezuela here, because really we should know why the right-wing in this country fears him so.

Dickhead of the Week - Trent Lott

lott
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Trent "I Hate Frista" Lott wins this week's Dickhead award. For those of you who may not remember, here's a historical summary:

At a dinner honoring Strom Thurmond's ability to live a very long time, Trent Lott made the off-handed remark that the country would've been better off today had Strom "I Heart the Black Ladies" Thurmond had won in his bid for president.

Silly Trent! Racism's for kids! Strom "I Have a Half-Black Love Child" Thurmond was running on the segregationalist ticket. Even the bulk of the Republican Party wouldn't stand up for their then Senate Majority Leader.

Enter Bill "Frisky" Frist. In an inter-party uprising, Frisky ran for the job of Senate Majority Leader, while Trent "Empty" Lott took a low-profile role for a while.

Well, Trent "I Love Whitesa" Lott is back! When asked who he might throw his support behind in a run for the presidency, Lott said he definitely liked the Strom Thurmond candidacy. OK, not really. But he refused to pay a compliment to Frisky, saying his takeover of the Majority Leadership amounted to a personal attack during his lowest moments.

And in a book, Trent "I Need Ghost-Writersa" Lott called Frisky one of the "main manipulators" in his downfall.

Hold on a second, Dickhead. Think about what you did, Mr. Man. You praised the racist politics of a senile old man. Yes, Frisky is himself a Dickhead. But your utter lack of integrity in accepting some personal responsibility for your jackassedness makes you this week's Bald (yes, I think you wear a rug) and Effective Dickhead of the Week.

Oral Hygiene Error

citruslisterine
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

You know how it's a mistake to drink orange juice right after brushing your teeth? And doesn't everyone know that?

Well, the folks at Listerine are fucking idiots.

Of course, who am I to judge? I'm the one that tried it.

And at least you're left with the aftertaste of baby aspirin.

Rest In Party!

My Uncle Walt was always the life of the party. For my time in Columbus, Ohio, however, he's in the role of death of the party.

Walt pretty much ruled. He taught my sister how to make a martini when she was five, so that he didn't have to get up to refill his glass. If you made him go get it himself, he made such a production of getting out of his chair, that you usually broke down and got it for him anyway. He traveled with bowling ball bags filled with liquor. At a cousin's wedding a few years ago, he mixed me a drink without asking me what I wanted. When I apologized and told him that I'm allergic to alcohol, he looked at me horrified for a second before shouting, "Life's not worth LIVING!"

The only thing in Walt's life debatably more sacred than cocktail hour(s) was the Sacred itself. Walt was an incredibly well-respected theologian who taught in Lutheran seminaries for decades. His politics were hard-line Democratic, and I can think of few people who accepted social change over the course of a lifetime better than Walt, from feminism to gay rights. The War in Iraq caused him genuine heartbreak.

I don't want to imply that Walt didn't have his flaws. He did. Boy, did he. But I will be eternally grateful to Uncle Walt for two of the more significant events of my life. First, he gave a beautiful eulogy at my dad's funeral. Second... My wife and I asked Walt to stand in for my father and bless our marriage, in what was otherwise a secular ceremony. Walt managed to do that beautifully, as well, and did it without mentioning God, which we didn't even request.

Since I've always intended B&E to be more of an anger and laughter destination, rather than an overly personal experience about my innermost feelings, I'll sign off with this...

While I wait for my mom and sister to arrive, I am sans car. When I asked the hotel's front desk where I could get food within walking distance, the woman looked at me blankly for a moment (similar to Walt's expression upon learning I can't really drink), then winced and sent me to East of Chicago Pizza. Columbus is, in fact, East of Chicago. But the pizza they were serving wasn't Chicago-style at all, and best I can tell, the national chain website bears little resemblance to the creature I frequented. And I say "creature" because, for reasons I still haven't figured out, the decor was Jurassic themed.

The Royals Fail Terrence

terrence
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The Kansas Royals beat the Oakland A's yesterday 2-1, bringing their losing streak to an end at 19 games.

Current Royals right-fielder Terrence Long was playing with the A's in 2002, when Oakland won 20 games in a row, defeating Kansas City for the 20th victory.

But alas, as Kansas City went for its 20th consecutive loss against Oakland, the Royals choked and won, denying Terrence the priviledge of being the only player since 1900 to be on a team that won 20 in a row and lost 20 in a row.

Add to this that the Oakland Athletics used to be the Kansas City Athletics, and my head nearly explodes in an interconnected web of baseball geekdom.

And Now For a Documentary I Have Seen

aristocrats
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

blondandeffective's comment on the previous posting demonstrates the dangers of writing about something you haven't seen or read. The recording of Timmy's mauling exists, but moviegoers don't get to hear it. So I guess I can understand why some are afraid of copycat crimes. I mean, if you can't actually hear the mauling, how bad can hanging out with bears be? Right? Hello? Jesus, people are stupid.

Anyway, now I present my thoughts on "The Aristocrats," which I went to see this afternoon. It's been a long time since I saw a movie in the afternoon. It's a good way to see a movie. But that's not my only thought about it.

For those of you who don't know, "The Aristocrats" gets its title from the punchline of a joke. It's an old joke, with a great deal of room for riffing. The artistry, and the offense, lies in the riff. During the course of the movie, you hear the joke over fifty times told by many comedians, each version more offensive and/or scatological than the last. Some versions are so filthy, the entire AMC movie theater chain is refusing to screen it. Because of words. And that's pretty stupid.

But the film is smart. Really smart. It analyzes, dissects, and deconstructs the joke to a degree that would be envied by any powerhouse academic institution. Among the deconstructions and analyses the joke is told -- stupid versions, funny versions, first person versions, screaming versions, incestuous versions, shit-covered versions, turn-you-on-your-head versions, pregnant versions, physical comedy versions, and one incredibly well-timed version that many say might be the best telling of all time.

And did I mention how much I love going to see a movie in the afternoon?

Another Documentary I Haven't Seen

cutegrizzly
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

This will be my week for commenting on movies and books I haven't actually seen or read. Today's topic: "Grizzly Man."

The documentary, by Wernor Herzog, explores the life of Timothy Treadwell, an eccentric jackass who thought he could live among the grizzlies in Alaska. Eventually, inevitably, he (and his girlfriend) got eaten by a bear.

There is, apparently, some concern that seeing the documentary will cause people to copycat Timothy Treadwell. Bear experts wish that Herzog had put more focus on the dangers of living with grizzlies.

And yet, by all accounts, there's a good five-or-six-minute sequence in the film in which the doctor who performed the autopsy on Timmy's mangled body explains in some detail precisely what happened. Plus, as luck would have it, Timmy (who had filmed over 100 hours of himself playing with the cuddly beasts) had his camera on during the attack that killed him. Being unprepared for the end, he'd left the lens cap on the camera, but the sound survived. So in conjunction with the storytelling doctor, you hear the attack in all its gory glory.

Anyone who wants to copycat Timothy Treadwell after hearing him (and let's not forget his girlfriend) get mauled to death... well, survival of the fittest, baby. And the fittest don't go to Alaska to hang out with bears.

That's two current documentaries featuring the power of Darwinism, neither of which I've seen, but both of which I plan to.

A Nun Protests

flyingnun
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

This week, Ron Howard is shooting his film version of Dan Brown's The DaVinci Code in a cathedral in eastern England. Sister Mary Michael (not pictured right) doesn't like it one bit.

To protest this work of fiction, the good sister staged a twelve-hour prayer vigil across from the cathedral. She fears that the town and cathedral will be punished for participating in this heresy.

Sister Mary Michael also happens to be a major fan of Tom Hanks, who stars in the film. So she sent him a potted plant with a note: "No hard feelings."

The carnivorous plant then bit Tom on the neck and vacuumed out all his blood, turning the two-time Oscar winner into a shriviled raisin of method acting.

Clear Priorities

A headline from the New York Times this morning:

"Bad Iraq War News Worries Some in G.O.P. on '06 Vote"

At some point, I would hope, the bad Iraq war news would worry some in the G.O.P. on, say, the war in Iraq.

Bushie's Man Date

Our Cyclist-in-Chief has plans to bike around the ranch with Lance Armstrong on Saturday. I wonder if Lance will take some time to meet with Cindy Sheehan.

Twenty Years Later

royals
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

In 1985, I was living an hour from Kansas City, and we were treated to the I-70 World Series. Less than four hours from each other on one strip of interstate, the Kansas City Royals defeated the St. Louis Cardinals in seven games. The Royals even came back from two-games-to-none and three-games-to-one deficits, matching the biggest come-from-behind World Series victory in history. Good times for our local team.

In 2005, the Kansas City are one of those small market teams you read about so often, getting squeezed out of the league by teams that can afford to purchase the big-name players. My dad used to call the Royals a farm team for the Yankees.

The Royals have lost their last 17 games. They haven't yet won a game in August. Even the McNeill's Brewers have won a game in August.

Pray for the Royals. God enjoys micromanaging baseball.

Buy This Book - A Shill

barrysbook
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Since I have little of my own to say these days, I'd like to draw the attention of all seven B&E readers to a book released yesterday.

End of the Line by Barry C. Lynn discusses the dangers of globalization in terms even economically-challenged stunods such as myself can understand. While Thomas Friedman exclaims in his unintelligible and celebratory way that THE WORLD IS FLAT -- woo-HOO! -- Barry offers a counterpoint: globalization is not just exploitative, but also bad for business and the economy. And while I haven't actually read it yet, I plan to.

Barry's book might turn out to be a nice companion piece with the documentary "Darwin's Nightmare." The mightily-fished Nile perch is widely considered to be the savior of Tanzania, creating a thriving export economy. Unfortunately, while 50-ton cargo loads of fish are air-freighted out of the country, cargo loads of munitions come in. The Euro-owners profit enormously, and the result in the country's interior is famine, prostitution, AIDS, and civil war.

Plus, the predatory Nile perch (like our recently-immigrated-to-Queens Snakehead fish) is non-native to Tanzania, has destroyed the rest of the fish population in Victoria Lake, and has now begun to eat its own young. Before we know it: Mad Fish Disease.

And while I haven't actually seen the documentary yet, I plan to.

Happy days here at B&E.

A Public Apology

sorry
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Dear B&E readers,

Unlike our Commander-in-Chief, I can recognize when an apology is needed. So, to you, I say, "I'm sorry." I've been very much off my game this week with the postings, both in terms of quality and quantity.

The creative juices flow cyclically in my life, and unfortunately, I haven't mastered the art of weblog writing to a degree that craft can carry me through during these tough times.

While we may not yet be out of the woods, I'm hopeful that postings will return to a pleasing nature before too long.

In the meantime, I remain very truly yours,
Bald & (Will Be Once Again) Effective

See? It's Bill Clinton's Fault!

If he hadn't been so busy getting blowjobs from interns, maybe he could've done something about Osama bin Laden.

Blowjobs are a national security issue.

Dickhead of the Week - Jack Abramoff

abramoff
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I haven't had enough coffee this morning yet to understand in any detail exactly what he's been indicted for, but Jack "Take Your" Abramoff apparently tricked a bank into giving him a loan for a fleet of gambling boats.

The Justice Department, potentially fearing that Abramoff might try to become Israel's newest citizen, arrested him immediately and made him post a $2.2 million bond.

Jackie's a Dickhead for oh-so many reasons. He's one of Tom DeLay's closest friends, he's probably been overcharging Indian tribes for his casino lobbying efforts, he may have ripped-off his buddies over at Tyco, and he's got no lips.

Worst of all, perhaps, is that he's responsible for bringing us Red Scorpion, starring Dolph Lundgren.

Connecticut River Valley Baseball League Playoffs

brewers
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The hapless Brewers were once again hapful in the playoffs. Three years running, the Brattleboro Buzzards/Townshend Dam/McNeill's Brewers have managed to win in the first round of the playoffs, despite the rarest of victories during the season. The Townshend Dam, for example, went 0-15 two years ago, yet still finished in 3rd place, thanks to a well-timed playoff victory.

Yesterday, we (they, really, as the Brewers only ever win when I'm not playing - no connection!) won 8-4, defeating the team from Ludlow. I don't know what their official team name is, but we usually refer to them as The Geriatric Cops or The Donut Munchers.

From reports I've heard, we played like a real team, including good pitching, good fielding, and an around-the-horn double play. The base-running errors, however, continue unabated: several guys got picked off, and one dude attempted to score from second on an infield hit. That was probably pretty funny.

So at worst, the Brewers finish in 4th place out of six teams. And if we/they win next week, the Brewers are guaranteed at least a 2nd place finish. Hey, a Brewer can dream. Fly, Brewers, fly!

At Least She Was a Consenting Adult

Isn't this, actually, an improvement in the Catholic Church's image, particular where the priests are concerned?

Horrifying

collision
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Yesterday's Mets v. Padres game featured one of the most terrifying collisions I've ever seen. If you have a strong stomach, you can watch it here.

If you don't want to put yourself through it (I've only watched it once)... Carlos Beltran and Mike Cameron of the Mets dove for the same ball in shallow right-center field and collided head-to-face. Cameron's out for the rest of the season with a broken nose and multiple fractures in both cheeks. Beltran's having some tests done, but at least he could move right after.

Cracking Down

goodtimes
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The U.S. military is finally punishing the officers responsible for the most heinous crimes the world has ever seen.

Four-star General Kevin P. Byrnes committed adultery. Not only did he commit adultery, but he committed adultery with a civilian. So a few months before he was scheduled to retire, he was relieved of his command.

The higher-ups giving the OK for torture at Abu Ghraib and Gitmo ain't got nothing on this asshole. Nail him to the wall, Army!

Anything You Can Do, God Can Do Better

godcasting
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Big news for God this week! In addition to his hatred for fags, soldiers, and America (see Dickhead of the Week), God gets support from many varied places:

- Godcasting is the most popular form of podcasting. Not just for Christians (but mostly), Godcasting includes Bible verses in Clingon and Buddhist meditations. Note: those long, uncomfortable silences on the air are intentional.

- Kansas gets its two cents worth of input again, allowing the critical argument against evolution to open the door for "intelligent design" to come into the public school classrooms.

- And the always sensible Jerry Falwell has called on all of us to vote Christian in 2008. In Jerry's oh-so-sensitive way, he once again invites the Jews to go have sex with themselves.

So God scores big this week. Still, as a pragmatic evolutionist, I'm siding with the snakehead fish. Bring it.

Unfortunate Timing

I'm seeing ads for this charity all over the Metropolitan Transit Authority, and in lieu of recent events in London and our current random searches in NYC, I can't help but to wonder if this program isn't suffering mightily.

Dickhead of the Week - Fred Phelps

fred
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I tend to ignore this Dickhead, as my former hometown is the base for his operations. Topekans have always attempted this tactic with Fred-Fuckin'-Phelps, so now he makes himself a bother wherever people will pay attention. In Fred's world, God Hates Fags, don't you know.

To spread his message and get the most media coverage, he protests funerals. His attendance at the Matthew Shepard funeral even inspired an episode on Six Feet Under.

Well, recently, Fred and his family have been targeting military funerals. Soldiers are dying in Iraq, you see, because the military tolerates homosexuality, and America is therefore doomed. He's gotten coverage in the LA Times, The Chicago Tribune, and many local papers, and it is for these recent actions that I felt the need to name Fred Dickhead of the Week.

My favorite Fred Phelps story has to be the one about the Topekan woman who tried to run him over in her car, got sued by the Phelps' clan, used "I got distracted by the signs" as her defense, and was found innocent.

On the less humorous side is this lengthy biography of Fred-Fuckin'-Phelps. It's a lot of reading, I admit, but wade through some of it if you can. It includes interviews with a couple of his estranged children, who discuss frankly what it was like growing up under the wrath of this hateful man. They tell a number of truly heartbreaking stories.

"Dickhead" doesn't even begin to cover this guy.

Report From Queens

snakehead
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A routine fish sampling in Meadows Lake in Flushing reveals the unexpected and the horrifying. There's Northern Snakehead in that there pond! These torpedo-shaped, many-toothed predators can walk on their fins and briefly breathe air, although contrary to myth, they are unable to survive for three days without water and do not - yet - attack Sunnysiders in particular or humans in general. Still, as our fair borough considers how to deal with our fear of this non-native/invasive species with a voracious appetite for, well, just about anything, local toughs opt for a well-practiced mob approach: "Screw the Snakehead. Eradicate!"

A Death Worth Noting

cook
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Over the weekend, Robin Cook died while walking (that's "hiking" to us in the U.S.) in Scotland.

A long-time Labour Party leader, he resigned from the government in 2003 to protest British involvement in the Iraq War.

The Guardian's obituary summarizes his career nicely, and his resignation speech demonstrates the power of conscience, when so few politicians seem to have one.

After the Wedding

It's the Monday morning after a weekend full of wedding activities. So I'm tired and uninspired.

Congratulations, Hilary and Brian. Have fun in France, where the naked ladies dance. Be sure to keep your eye out for that hole in the wall...

It Takes a Bernie

bernie
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A cartoon version of Vermont Congressman Bernie Sanders graces the cover of The Nation magazine's most recent issue. Bernie's the lone independent in the House of Representatives. "It's hard to red-bait me," he says, since he's long been an "out" Socialist.

Bernie's enormously popular in Vermont, and the article discusses how the Democratic Party (and other independents) can learn a thing or two from Bernie.

With James Jeffords retiring, Bernie's running for the Senate now. Naturally, the Republican Party plans a major media blitz for attacks, but they're also having a hard time finding a candidate to run against him. The Democrats aren't bothering to run anyone. Howard Dean, a long-time Bernie nemesis in the local political scene in Vermont (Howard's just too damned conservative for Bernie) says that a win for Bernie is a win for the Democrats in the Senate.

Still, never underestimate the power of the Republican Party. Bernie will need to raise at least three times what he's raised in House races. Visit www.bernie.org for information. Soon you'll be able to purchase the classic red Bernie T-shirt. Great gifts for the whole family!

The Art Opening - A Review

I'm not reviewing the art. I'm reviewing the opening. Maybe someone can let me know if this is typical for Upper East Side gallery openings. I think this was my first.

I attended this opening in somewhat of an official capacity. An artist that had been in residence at Hall Farm was a part of the show. I like her and her work very much, and she had a prominent wall dedicated to her stuff. First-rate.

Right. So. The scene...

First of all, the place was tiny. There were seven artists in this group show, and there wasn't even room for them in this gallery, much less the loads of people they invited. To give you an idea of how crowded it got, I opted to spend a good portion of the evening standing outside in New York's sweltering heat.

One of the artists in the show was the dude who played Furio on "The Sopranos," which I didn't expect. Who would? I liked his work, actually. It combined the Italian Renaissance with elements of modernity. Furio was wearing a really sharp suit, and his paintings were priced literally ten times what everyone else was charging. And I was scared of him.

Then there was this reality show TV crew there. I asked them who or what their subject was, fully expecting them to reply "Furio," but no. They were apparently waiting for some lawyer to arrive. Why this lawyer? I guess he lives an interesting life. So their plan was to follow him around on a typical day and put together a presentation for Court TV. The TV crew put a sign up on the door informing us that by walking in we granted permission to use our voices and persons on the public airwaves. They got some good footage of Furio and a stretch limo that pulled up. When I left, the lawyer hadn't shown up yet.

The gallery owner seemed to be working the room like a pro. His wife, well, she seemed to be dressed like a pro. I wanted to get a photo, but it actually seemed indecent to do so. She was wearing a gold... top, I think? It almost covered her ample bosom. Her skimpy bra was in full view the entire time (it hooked in the front), and her skirt was high enough to see the hint of butt cheeks. She was in her fifties. She was not unattractive, except for how she put herself together. She made everyone in the room feel overdressed. The artist I knew made a "wardrobe malfunction" joke, but I assured her that the woman's outfit seemed to be functioning exactly how she intended it to.

I would describe the overall crowd as high-monied/low-class. And it freaked my shit out.