Well, You Wouldn't Give Him His Up-Or-Down-Vote!

bolton_calls_his_shot
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The Senate passed a boatload of terrible bills just before baseball's trade deadline, and now, like the children they are, they have recess.

All school year, the Senate's been meeting at the bike racks to fight over Bushie's UN appointment choice (and former DotW), Johnny Boy Bolton. Now with their mommies picking the Senators up, Bushie has the opportunity to get in his sucker punch and appoint him anyway, while their collective backs are turned.

A bully who cheats. That's our President.

Mother Dickhead - The Saga Continues, Sort Of

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The White House press corps seems to be trying a new tactic when it comes to asking Scott "Go Ahead, Goyal" McClellan questions about Boba Rove. Rather than hitting him in the face for forty minutes, they attempt to take him off-guard, asking seemingly innocuous questions about, say, the energy bill, with a follow-up such as...

Q Has Karl Rove offered to resign, in view of his problems?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, you keep asking these questions that are related to an ongoing investigation --

Q Does he still have his security clearance?

MR. McCLELLAN: -- and those are questions that have already been addressed.

Q No, they -- I've never heard this before. Have you?

MR. McCLELLAN: The question has been asked before.

Q We haven't heard an answer.

Q What was your answer?

Q There hasn't been an answer.

And really, that's been about it this week. It's almost like the White House press corps is spending its time covering administration policies -- policies that continue to fuck our country and offer handouts to corporations.

The fact is, even I'm losing interest in the Rove Scandal, but not because I don't want to see him go down in flames. I do. Boy, do I. It's just that more and more I can't understand why Bushie's policies aren't scandalous enough, in and of themselves, to take down this administration.

M-T-F'n-A

Is the Metropolitan Transit Authority the worst run organization in the world?

I want my extra fare back.

Nice Goin', Genius

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'm pulling a Rumsfeld this morning, and asking and answering my own questions.

What's the best way to get an energy bill passed? Delay the release of an EPA study that links fuel efficiency with energy security. Since the bill Bushie wants passed does nothing to address this problem, the best course of action is to hold off acknowledging the problem.

Cars are less efficient than they were in the late 80s? It's called progress, pantywaists!

Worried about rising gas prices? Take a Xanex!
The War for Oil got you down? Have some dip!
Global warming burning you up? Go hump a tree, faggot!

Oh, Mr. President, I love thee so.

Someone Call Up a Liberal Ken Starr

Why, Mother Dickhead, you saucy little minx.

Dickhead(s) of the Week - The "New" Mets

05mets
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

As long as Boba Rove is still on the radar, it's difficult to find a political figure to out-Dickhead the Mother Dickhead. Only this morning I realized that in my ongoing obsession with the Rove Scandal, I hadn't even yet named a Dickhead this week.

So I'm going with the Mets. The f-ing Mets. Ever since Carlos Beltran called them the "New Mets" in broken English during his first press conference, the team's been trying to push this image.

But like Dick(head) Cheney says, "You can dress up a pig all you want..."

The Mets are the team that breaks your heart repeatedly. Certainly more than once during a season, and often more than once during a single game. Raise your hopes, dash your hopes, raise your hopes, dash your hopes...

And they're doing it again. Just as they get within striking distance of first place in their division, they lose two-in-a-row to the worst team in baseball, the Colorado Rockies.

Well, in this fan's book, boys, that's enough for you to qualify as Dickheads. F you, Mets. Just... F. You.

B&E Readers, I Love You

I'd just like to compliment my readers this morning on their healthy priorities. As I was using my photo-hosting/posting site, I noticed that my two most popular photos of late are Jessica Simpson and the McNeill's Brewers. And much to my surprise, the Brewers are outpacing Jessica 22 to 15 in viewings. Perhaps this speaks to the B&E demographics, but the implication is something much more significant...

The Brewers finally win!

Hackett for Congress

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Ohio's 2nd District is holding a special election to replace the Congressman that became Bushie's trade representative. The dude with the guns could become the first Iraq War veteran elected to Congress. He's a Democrat in a district Democrats have ignored for years - Bushie won 64% of the vote there in 2004.

Paul Hackett is a lawyer who volunteered for service in the Marines, even though he's against the war. Should he lose the election, he plans on going back to Iraq. He's called Bush a chickenhawk and "the biggest threat facing the United States today." When called a hypocrite for using Bushie's own words in a pro-Hackett ad, his response? "Uh, yeah, I wanna win."

He's also tall and lean, with a dreamy smile to woo the ladies (and a certain portion of the gentlemen).

It'll be an uphill battle for Paul, who's facing a woman that's out-fundraised him 3 to 1, including $200,000 of her own money.

But I, for one, couldn't be happier that a rare badass Democrat has emerged to give a real freakin' fight for a change.

Lessons from Kansas - Amputation

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Apparently, if a part of yourself gets removed during a medical procedure, you're allowed to keep it for yourself. The first time I became aware of this was when Chad, a kid in my 2nd grade class, brought his tonsils for show-and-tell.

Alas, it doesn't stop there. Ezekiel Rubottom of Lawrence got his foot back after it was amputated a few weeks ago.

He keeps his foot in jar full of formaldehyde along with a porcelain horse and a can of beer. He's an artist, you see.

It's Still a Pig

We were fighting "The Global War on Terror." Now the Bush Administration is retooling its public relations approach, because the problem isn't the worldwide quagmire we're in. It's how said quagmire is being sold to the public. So it's now, "A Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism."

So what does a change from "The Global War On Terror" to "A Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism" mean for us? Well, let's take a look, shall we?

- "The Global" vs. "A Global": It's surprising that the Bush Administration would change anything from definite to indefinite in their black & white version of the world, even if it's just the/an article. Maybe they know something we don't. Perhaps there's another globe somewhere in the universe that they don't want to tell us about, but need to cover their asses in case Boba Rove leaks the information to the press.

- "War" vs. "Struggle": Is it because the fight against terrorism is more than military action? Or is it because "War" implies aggression, while "Struggle" implies an underdog status? The extremist right in this country is very good at victimizing itself, you know, like how Christians and Christianity are under attack even though they control all three branches of the government. And while I recognize that some real assholes believe in killing innocent office workers in New York and commuters in London, the U.S. is still the "world's remaining superpower," so getting that underdog status is gonna take a little more than a word change. We'll actually have to get the shit bombed out of us for a few years before I'll use "struggle," a word generally used in the fight against The Man.

- "On" vs. "Against": I prefer any preposition that offers an image of hot War-On-Terror action.

- "Terror" vs. "Violent Extremism": This is one change I can really get behind. This must mean that the government's no longer just going after terrorists, but all violent extremists. Send abortion clinic bombers to Gitmo! Deport right-wing militia members to Kyrgystan for "interrogation"! Hold wife beaters indefinitely without charges!

But then, just when I have hope in our new Struggle, spokesfolk for the Administration insist that the approach to the War/Struggle itself won't change.

In other words, to quote Vice President Dick(head) Cheney, "You can dress up a pig all you want..."

Maybe it's time to start "The Global War On Euphemism."

Tuscon Raging Grannies

Here's something that deserves a few copycat crimes. That's right, ma. I'm talkin' to you!

Try a P.O. Box Next Time

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some broad in New Jersey was getting free stuff pretending to be Jessica Simpson's assistant. While the police were at her house investigating, a UPS truck turned up with twelve more boxes.

Whoops. Wonder which of the two women is ditzier.

Corn? I Don't Remember Eating Any Corn!

Two years ago David Corn, Washington editor of The Nation magazine, was the first journalist to raise the possibility that the White House may have committed a crime with this whole Valerie Plame outing.

As a good lefty, he may be more obsessed with the Rove Scandal than I am, and as a reporter who gets paid to write about such things (and as a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Brown University), he's much better at it than I am. (But I bet I'm better at hitting a curve ball.) I'm sure I'll keep discussing the Mother Dickhead here on B&E, but for much more detailed information, you can follow the ongoing Corn commentary.

Feel the outrage. Fight the Power. I'd like fries with that.

I Got Game, Even If We Don't

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Today I played the final game of my season with the McNeill's Brewers (they've still got a couple more that I won't be able to attend).

You know, it's a team sport and totally uncool to say this, but I had a great game, so I don't give a rat's ass that we lost 16-2. First of all, I knocked in our first run. And I went two-for-three at the plate and even hit the ball hard once, pulled the inside pitch right over the third baseman's head. I fucking love this game.

Here's a portion of my ragtag team. A bunch of great guys, even if we can't put together a whole game that results in a win (the last effort notwithstanding).

A few of us are bald. Fewer of us are effective. But no one has more fun losing than we do.

Mother Dickhead - Losing Steam?

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So the press gave Scottie a couple days off out of respect for Bushie's Supreme Court nominee, although one smartass reporter asked if Rove was the guy who first leaked Roberts' name to the press (Scottie's response: "Next question"). But since no one's promising any semblance of a real fight from the Democratic Party where Roberts is concerned, the White House Press Corps got bored. So they came back to Boba Rove, just for shits and giggles (that's the proper journalistic term).

Still, I get the feeling that their hearts aren't in it anymore. There are too many other things going on, and the singular focus of the press corps can't figure out what's the most important story to follow.

It seems to me that if focus becomes on anything other than Boba Rove, the terrorists win. And we can't have that now, can we?

Explosions

In response to today's less severe yet disconcerting attacks in London, Tony Blair said to remain calm, as explosions are meant to scare people.

Well, guess what, Mr. Prime Minister. The shit works. Explosions are fucking scary.

Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

The McNeill's Brewers won a game this past Sunday. I haven't written about it because I wasn't there. But I've decided to hold steadfast to the belief that the rare win and my absence are unrelated.

It looks like we may have found a way to get Crazy Brian to shut up. Crazy Brian is one of those great clubhouse guys. He screams, he gets us psyched, he makes outrageous jokes, even occasionally does World Wrestling impressions in the dugout. Umpires have told him to relax. He's one of our more consistent hitters, and plays a reliable left field. On Sunday, he hit the ball the opposite way just over the fence for a home run, and he was so stunned, he couldn't speak. A first. And his homer was the difference, as the Brewers defeated Hotel Pharmacy 4-3.

Hotel Pharmacy have protested the game, however, and the Brewers will probably receive yet another loss. While the league isn't officially "over 30," pitchers and catchers must be. There can be the occasional exception, but our third (or fourth) pitcher Dave wasn't cleared by the league to be one.

So even when we win, we lose. Go Brewers!

Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Mr. Bald and Once Effective, Dennis Kozlowski, is in even hotter water. Already convicted for massive fraud while CEO of Tyco, it now appears that Dennis used money from companies hoping to woo some new business to pay for his son-in-law's lavish bachelor party.

Wait. Wall Street money paying for drugs and whores? Unprecedented and unheard of!

But at least they only went for the best and classiest. The dwarf they hired is the self-proclaimed "Heidi Fleiss of dwarfdom."

Duohomoheader

A couple of quick gay stories that resulted in Dickhead nominations (but not appointments)...

Rick Santorum, the ever-reasonable senator from Pennsylvania who's built his career gay-bashing, has a gay spokesman. So a gay man speaks for the senator that blames Catholic priest abuse on the gay liberals in Boston. And the spokeman is out to the senator. Boy, people are very complicated.

Then there's this story about a gay teen being forced to go to a church camp to "cure" his homosexuality. He came out on his blog, and his parents didn't like it. The camp is called Refuge and is part of the over-arching Love in Action program that "changes" sexual orientation. Seems like Self-Loathing in Action might be a better name for the program. The executive director is the Reverend John J. Smid who, as a former homosexual, is very active in the "ex-gay" movement. The article doesn't quite define what is meant by "active." Boy, people are very complicated.

The Nominee

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

In my extensive twenty minutes of reading on the subject, here's what I've come up with:

John G. Roberts is a brilliant choice from Bush's perspective.

Having just hit puberty, he has a short judicial record. So there isn't much for Democrats to attack (assuming they've learned how to attack). He hasn't, for example, made any rulings related to Roe v. Wade.

And seeing as he just recently put on his "big-boy pants," he'll serve on the court for about a hundred years.

There's also apparently no doubting the size of his brain. He graduated from Harvard in three years (at the age of seven, I think), and has been described as the smartest guy/kid in any room.

He's apparently well-known and well-liked as a Washington insider by many on both sides of political spectrum.

But man, oh, man, his political beliefs are clear as day. He's joined staunchly conservative think tanks, built an enormous legal practice with corporate clients, wrote a brief arguing against the Roe v. Wade decision in the first Bush administration (when Johnny was 11), acted as a proponent of states' rights, upheld the arrest and shackling of a 12-year-old girl for eating a French/Freedom fry on a subway platform, and (very recently) supported Bushie in his administration's drive to conduct war crime tribunals against suspected terrorists at Gitmo.

Most significantly, perhaps, is that lucky, lucky Dubya, with this nomination, takes the attention off of Boba Rove for a while because, as we all know, the folks in Washington can only focus on one thing at a time.

We'll see how events unfold...

Mother Dickhead - A New Week

scottie
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

(Yes, I've run out of good Scottie photos, so I'm repeating.)

In yesterday's briefing, Scott "Go Ahead, Goyal" McClellan clearly attempts to get the conversation going on Dubya's Supreme Court selection, which he's announcing tonight. But the White House Press Corps won't have any of it. With Bushie shifting his stance on what it takes for a Dickhead to get fired in the White House, Scottie was bobbing and weaving again.

I particularly like the question toward the end asking how he's holding up. It's just so full of genuine concern...

Report from Queens - A Follow Up

cheesesteak
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Three months later, and an impatient Sunnyside continues its ever-lengthening wait for cheese steaks. Alas, there are reports of lawsuits. Borrowed equity (and a stolen logo) have the Cheesecake eaters going after the Cheesesteak makers, but there's some confusion surrounding the ownership of the new Queens Boulevard eatery. So who to sue? We've got fake names, thousands of "co-owners," suspect leases, and "a nice guy named Carlo"... Meanwhile, our fair borough waits... and waits... and waits... Queens is a regular Casablanca.

Dickhead of the Week - Eric Rudolph

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I touched on this guy yesterday, as he was sentenced to two life sentences without parole for bombing an abortion clinic in Birmingham, Alabama. He's awaiting sentencing on three other bombings, including the explosion at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. Thankfully, he'll never again see the light of day outside a prison. Unless he blasts his way out.

The bombings are evil, but the real Dickheadedness comes in the statement he released after his sentencing. Calling his acts against abortion clinics a moral duty (heh, he said "duty"), he compared himself to Jesus Christ (who's well-known for the brutal murder of an abortion provider in 1987), and then gloated that he had "deprived the government its goal of sentencing me to death."

Rot in prison, Dickhead.

Inconsistencies at the DOJ? Say It Ain't So!

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'm against the death penalty for a lot of reasons (except, perhaps, in cases of massive corporate fraud, but that's a discussion for another time). Proponents of state-sanctioned murder seem to like to ask the question, "How would you feel if [enter loved one here] was brutally murdered?" A fair question, I suppose, if stupidly hypothetical. Naturally, I would want the murderer dead, and I would want to do it myself, and I would want to do it as cruelly and unusually as possible, which is probably why I wouldn't be the best person to make that decision.

Are two cases enough to establish a pattern? Because I think the Department of Justice may have a double-standard at work. Shocking, I know.

Vermont abolished the dealth penalty in 1987. But the feds took over a case that came to an end this past week, because the murderer took his victim over state lines. Prosecutors even brokered a deal for life-in-prison-without-parole, before John Ashcroft rejected the deal and told them to go for death. A Vermont jury then sentenced him to die.

Meanwhile, homegrown terrorist Eric Rudolph, who has proudly confessed to bombing two abortion clinics, a gay bar, and the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, has gotten himself a life-without-parole sentence. The Department of Justice is strangely quiet about this one. Is it because Ashcroft (and later Gonzalez) stands firmly against abortion, gays, and worldwide athletic competition? I don't understand the discrepancy.

Hell, man, I say, if you believe in the death penalty, then go whole-fuckin'-hog. Kill 'em all. Donald Fell (in Vermont), Rudolph, Bernard Ebbers, the Rosenbergs, Boba Rove, the jackass that next steals my wallet, all those Catholic priests, Lynndie England, Saddam Hussein, my high school friend that got caught with the 150-pounds of weed in his trunk, wife-beaters, the BTK killer, Ken Lay, NYC jaywalkers... Why fuck around?

A Few Days Off

Scott "Go Ahead, Goyal" McClellan has had a few days off from the questioning, which I'm hoping will continue in full force today.

By the way, Judith Miller is still in jail. And Matt Cooper, who was minutes from going to jail before he felt Boba Rove winkingly gave him permission to testify, now can't keep his mouth shut on the subject. The guy must have a publicist. Moral ambiguity abounds.

In Case You Haven't Heard

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was released on Saturday.

You see, there's this young wizard called Harry. On his 11th birthday he discovers he's a wizard, and a world-famous wizard at that. An evil wizard wants Harry dead. Wackiness ensues.

Now sixteen, Harry and his friends learn that the real magic in life lies in making out with their classmates. I'm really looking forward to the 7th installment of the series, Harry Potter and the First Time.

Striking Terror in My Heart

I just had a dream that Al-Qaeda struck again, in an attack carried out by their Itty-Bitty-Tittie-Committee.

Does anyone know if I can confirm that they exist? Because if they do, I'm gonna need to get myself some Over-The-Shoulder-Boulder-Holders, and stat.

Ludlow 16, McNeill's 4

Lost again. But whatever to that.

Night-time baseball, baby, under the lights. While it was hard to see, it was glorious playing in 65-degree weather. I hit the ball hard three times tonight. First time up, the goddamn pitcher made a really nice play to knock down what should've been a solid single up the middle. Second time I almost killed the third base coach with a scorcher of a foul ball. I ended up hitting the ball hard again, but not quite as hard as the scorcher, for a single. The mercy rule kicked in at the end of the 8th inning when one of the Ludlow players hit a three-run homer to finish us off. I would've led off the next inning. I get stranded a lot like that. It's a bummer, but when you bat 12th in a 13-player lineup, you don't get to bat that often. Especially on a team that doesn't hit so well. So only two trips to the plate. One-for-two. I'll take it. And I'm still thinking of that foul ball I really nailed. Goddamn, but it is fun to smoke a fastball like that.

Meanwhile, the Mets lost to the Atlanta "Suck Mine" Braves. I hate those guys. The game-winning hit came from Wilson "Speechum" Betimet, who has a nickname that still gives me cause to grin.

Our 7-Year-Old Chief Justice

Chief Justice William Rehnquist has proved the theorem that the aged often regress. When asked by a reporter if he's going to retire, the Chief Justice said, "That's for me to know, and you to find out."

Added Justice Billy, "Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!"

Mother Dickhead - Day Four

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

This one's a bit shorter, as it was just a quick pow-wow with the press aboard Air Force One.

But one reporter tried the old bait-n-switch:

Q Did the President get his news yesterday about Justice Rehnquist's health from media reports?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, Andy Card and I did, and Andy Card and I informed the President in the Oval Office yesterday, shortly after the news reports came out. I think that that was the case previously, when the Chief Justice went into the hospital, we didn't have any advance notification either.

Q So why is it acceptable for him to base his information about the Chief Justice's health on news reports, but not about an investigation within the West Wing? What's the distinction there?

MR. McCLELLAN: Oh, I think there's a lot of distinctions there. This is relating to an ongoing criminal investigation. There are clear distinctions in that. That's a nice try to get us to discuss an ongoing investigation, but I think we need to let that investigation continue.

I'm expecting some juicy tidbits from Scott "Go Ahead, Goyal" McClellan's briefing today, as there are new reports. Rove spoke with Robert "Douchebag" Novak about Valerie Plame/Wilson, as Novak was preparing the article that outed the CIA operative.

Mother Dickhead - Day Three

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Yesterday, the White House press corps had a few follow-up questions for Scottie "There's an Ongoing Investigation In My Pants" McClellan. It's another doozie.

It's funny: when Scottie feels he needs to take the wind out of the sails of the real journalists, he says, "Go ahead, Goyal." Goyal is his go-to journalist who'll ask about some local Indian/Pakistani issue to derail the previous line of questioning.

Shit works, too. It takes them a while to get back on track with Boba Rove, but when they do, there's this exchange:

Q Scott, from Africa, Mrs. Bush says, Karl Rove is a very good friend of mine; I've known him for years. And she's not going to speculate on any other part of the case. Well, does the President feel the same way about Karl Rove, the relationship with Karl Rove, a very good friend for many years?

MR. McCLELLAN: Yes, he does.

Q And at this point, is it ebbing or flowing? Is that relationship with the President ebbing or flowing? (Laughter.)

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, this is a creative way to come out to the same kind of questions.

Q You're right, it is, and I want an answer.

Don't we all...

Can't We All Just Get Along?

As if I needed another reason to root for the Mets...

Bush is Incredible, i.e. Not Credible

Who the hell is this 41%, and why the hell aren't they paying attention?

Success!

yes!
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

For those of you doubting that the Global War on Terror is working, well, Freedom Is On The March in Iraq. The number of Iraqi deaths since the Shiite-led government "took over" two months ago is approaching the number of total American casualties. We Are Winning. Our Resolve Won't Be Broken. We Must Stay The Course.

Man, what a bunch of fucking assholes.

At least Tiger's off to a lead in the British Open.

Dickheads - Some Follow Up

Bernie Ebbers of WorldCom was sentenced to 25 years in prison. He's free on bail right now, with prison time beginning in October. The judge clearly went for leniency, as he'll be free when he's 88.

John Bolton still hasn't had his "up or down vote." Heh.

And of course, we can all continue to watch the Dickheadedness unfold with the "Rove and McClellan Show," right there in our nation's capital.

I Knew They Couldn't Be Trusted

Overly friendly, super-nice people might be genetically defective.

Maybe next on the list will be a study about those of us who find these highly social folks to be extraordinarily irritating. Except, of course, that our attitude is totally normal. Shout-out to Dana, who not only sent the link, but also clearly agrees with me on this one.

Mother Dickhead - Day Two

Yesterday's transcript of Scottie's press briefing is almost as good as the first. For those who don't want to read the whole thing, here's a juicy nugget. For a set-up, let's just say that Scottie continued to refuse to answer questions relating to Boba Rove.

Q Does the President believe that it is outrageous for a Los Angeles advertising man to be conducting a campaign to persuade the town selectmen of Weare, New Hampshire, to approve the building of a hotel on the land where Justice Souter's house is located? Or does he regard this as an historic irony resulting from Souter's vote in the case of Kelo versus the City of New London --

MR. McCLELLAN: I haven't seen anything on it. Jim, go ahead.

Q You didn't see anything on it? You'd like to evade this one, wouldn't you.

MR. McCLELLAN: No, I haven't seen anything on it, Les. I like to see reports before I comment on it.

Q No, it's the other ones he's trying to evade.

Then, later:

Q Scott, how long has the President known that Karl Rove spoke in 2003 to at least one reporter about Joseph Wilson's wife?

MR. McCLELLAN: That's a question relating to the investigation. You've had my response on those questions.

Q Was it like a big surprise to him this week and when the story broke about it?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, it's an ongoing, continuing investigation, and I think I've addressed why I'm not going to get into discussing it further at this time.

Q So I understand your reluctance to talk. Now, Mr. Rove's attorney, Mr. Luskin, spoke to reporters a few days ago. Would you be willing to allow your attorney to speak to reporters about these matters?

You can almost hear the whizz-bang of comedic sound effects.

The Type of Week It's Been

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A Busy Week for Dickheads - Scott McClellan

scottie
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

And the Dickheads keep coming.

Scott "Stay on Message" McClellan had one hell of a press briefing yesterday.

I wonder if, prior to the briefing, he held out any hope at all that the questions would follow in the spirit of his introduction about the former Yugoslavia.

The White House press corps woke up for this briefing, and other than the occasional softball tossed up by sympathetic reporters, the group did a nice job of playing off each other and sticking to task.

Poor Scottie. Although, to his credit, it's probably a lot easier facing all these questions without a soul.

Thanks to Hil for the link and Dickhead nomination.

Sentimental Ballplayers

New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza is 36 years old. Except for one failed experiment to move him to first base, he's spent his entire career as a catcher, the most physically demanding and brutal position on the field. Mikey's at the All-Star Game tonight for what might be the final time, as there's no denying that the man's starting to wear out. While enjoying the festivities he got to waxing poetic about the All-Star Games of years past, about the last time the National League won the game (in 1996, when Piazza was named MVP), about his first trip to the game in 1993, and his first as a Met in 1998. He says he feels like the old guy at the bar. So he's even playing drunk.

Mikey's getting all sentimental in his old age.

Up walks Paul Lo Duca, catcher for the Florida Marlins, looking for an opportunity to give a sound-byte. When asked about Piazza and his legacy, Paul stared off in space for a moment, considering.

"To me, he's arguably the best-hitting catcher of all-time."

So while Paul argues with himself about Piazza's place in history, I'd just like to thank Mike, as the monster will soon be crawling back into his cage for that final nap.

Mother of all Dickheads - Karl Rove

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I mean, really. I couldn't just make him Dickhead of the Week. This guy is astoundingly Dickheaded, and the revelation that he's the White House leak of a CIA operative's identity is neither surprising nor out of character.

If the Democrats can't get rid of this guy, they truly are as weak as I suspect.

This whole thing is so much worse than Watergate, if people would just fucking listen.

Avril Levigne Could Sing a Song About It

Turns out Matt Cooper didn't actually speak with his source about being allowed to testify.

And with Karl Rove now being known officially by his hip-hop name, "the Source," this whole story gets so complicated -- not to mention dirty, sleazy, and evil -- that my head's about to explode. Surely, someone somewhere can find a reason to send Rove to prison for several decades, no?

Dickhead of the Week - Thomas F. Hogan

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I accept that there are often nuances to the law that I don't completely understand, aided by the fact that I didn't go to law school and have little interest in studying the law as a hobby. But that's not gonna stop me from naming the Honorable Thomas F. Hogan this week's Dickhead. There's also a gaggle of supporting Dickheads.

Thomas "Hero" Hogan jailed New York Times reporter Judith Miller last week for refusing to name her sources for a story she, uh, never wrote.

Time magazine editor-in-chief Norman Pearlstein, in a total Dickhead move, served up Matt Cooper's notes to the judge, against the wishes of his reporter also facing jail time. (Cooper's source allowed him to testify at the last moment.)

Meanwhile, Jon Stewart's favorite Douchbag, Robert Novak, who wrote the article that started all this mess, roams free. His revealing the identity of a CIA agent (particularly when it looks like it was some sort of retribution to her outspoken husband) was certainly more illegal than protecting a source.

Can you imagine what would've happened if Woodstein had been forced to name Deep Throat in the 70s? We'd probably never have had Gerald Ford as a president, for a start.

And lest we think Judith Miller is herself a saint, keep in mind that she was one of the reporters whose coverage of the evidence leading us into the war in Iraq was irresponsible at best and criminally negligent at worst. But that doesn't mean she should be jailed for trying to do a better job.

But Hogan the Hero gets the points that put him over the Dickhead edge this week, not only for making a crappy ruling in terms of the free press in this country (which needs all the help it can get these days). But he also managed to compare her to a child stealing cookies, which is not only mean, but also a bad metaphor.

Frank Rich over at the Times has summed this rather complicated story up better than I have. Frankly, I don't have the patience to go into more detail. Plus he's smarter than I am and gets paid to write about this kind of crap. So read his thing for more details.

Baseball (Not Completely) a Bust

I played my third official game this week with the ever-hapless McNeill's Brewers of Brattleboro, Vermont. We lost 6-3. The Brewers, formerly the Townshend Dam, formerly the Brattleboro Buzzards, are terrible. We've always been terrible, whatever the name. Which is exactly why I like playing for them. There's no pressure. Except of course the pressure I put on myself.

Last week in an unofficial scrimmage I was hitting the ball pretty well. I smacked a solid single I could hardly feel in my hands, which is a sign of a well-hit ball, and even the outs I made were hit pretty hard. (I don't mind flying out to the left fielder if I've hit the ball well.) This week, I had nothing. The only time I even came close to hitting the ball well was when I flew out to shallow center. Other than that, a lame ground out to short, and (of all things in our pathetic league) a double-play hit back to the pitcher. So frustrating.

But it was a beautiful day, playing on a nice field, situated in the mountains of Vermont. Baseball epitomizes the rhythm of summer, and I can't think of anything else I'd have rather been doing. As one player in the league was once overheard saying during a rout, "I'd fucking hate this, if I didn't love the game so much."

The Worst Undercover Cop in England

bobby
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

William Jennings Catholic

bryan
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

There's much to admire in Catholicism, and I don't say this just to get in the good graces of my father-in-law. After all, he doesn't know the first thing about baldandeffective, and I'm hoping to keep it that way.

The fundamentalist Christians take a hard-line right-wing approach to all things, with a "poor people can go fuck themselves" attitude, which seems not remotely Christ-like to me. The fundamentalists should be out curing lepers, not taking away their food stamps.

Catholics tend to be a little more empathetic toward the poor, and there's a consistency in beliefs that I can admire, even if I don't necessarily agree with everything.

While the Kansas school board debates the teaching of Intelligent Design (i.e. creationism) vs. evolution (i.e. Evil-ution), Cardinal Christoph Schonborn of Austria, a close friend and advisor to Pope Benny 16, is attempting to clear-up some of the assumptions people have about the Catholic Church's position on Darwin.

Apparently the Catholic faith is incompatible with neo-Darwinism. All you Catholic scientists? Time to choose.

It seems to me that the Catholic Church is Designing itself Intelligently after William Jennings Bryan, who in spite of his many admirable (and populist) positions, is now best known for his simple and foolish pro-creationist fight against Clarence Darrow in the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Only time will tell if the Catholics face the same fate. Only time. Will. Tell.

Ian McEwan Is a Badass

The ability to write brilliantly while experiencing deep emotional turmoil is something I leave to the true artists. On September 15, 2001, the Guardian UK published Ian McEwan's response to the New York and DC attacks, which for my money was the best single piece of writing having to do with 9/11. Read it again, and experience the chills as if for the first time.

He's done it again, this time in response to the attacks in London yesterday. Let me reiterate: He wrote it yesterday while still processing the attacks and experiencing their aftermath.

I'll say no more. Just read.

Mets Update, and Why There's No Point

mr.met
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some of you may be wondering why I haven't discussed the Mets in a while. I know Virgil over at Ballpeen Hammer loves it when I write about baseball.

I don't know, man. I mean, I love baseball, and I'm a big fan of the Mets. But just how much can you write about a team that plays .500 baseball? We're more than halfway through the season, and like I've insisted all year, the Mets are a .500 ball club. And I'll take it. They've been so rotten the past couple years, .500 is a vast improvement. But who wants to write about something so average?

Of course, I just did.

By the way, does anyone out there know what happened to Lee Reynolds, the dude that was Mr. Met until 2002, when his Army reservist status called him to go serve at Gitmo? Originally, he was supposed to be there six months, and I can't seem to find any information about whether or not he's back in the big baseball head.