Protitsters

Some of you may recall how I expressed my admiration for the so-called "lactivists" who breast-fed outside "The View" studio, in response to Barbara Walters' disgust at women who do the activity in public. It was a love-the-protest-hate-the-pun situation.

It seems the breasts are at it again. And like last time, I'm a big fan of the protest. Really, I'm a fan of any protest that somehow incorporates the revealing of breasts. I do, however, take exception with Sherry Glaser, who's quoted in the article as saying, "Boobies never hurt anyone."

Well, Sherry, let me tell you about this one time in college, where... Wait. Hold on. Tell you what, Sherry. I'll call you. But rest assured, you're not altogether correct in your assessment.

Thanks, by the way, to Jennifer in my writer's group for forwarding me the article. My writer's group knows how much I like the nudity. Speak out for more nudity in film! Male or female. I'm not particular.

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

hotdogs
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I've been aware of the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island for some time now. I even know that the same diminutive Japanese guy has won four years in a row, defeating many men more than twice his size.

I also know that vying for the prize this year is Eric Booker, a 7-train conductor. He's 6'5" and 420 pounds, which makes him more than three times the weight of the current champ.

For me, though, the most unbelievable aspect of the contest is that it's sponsored by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. That there was a demand for such a federation baffles the mind. But I'm guessing the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest, held every July 4, is their Super Bowl.

Good luck, Conductor Booker. Do all of us 7-train riders proud.

Atheist Camp

I happen to know from experience how amoral church camp can be. Does anyone know how atheist camp might compare?

Nice Goin', Genius

bush1
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So I didn't watch the speech (did anyone outside the Beltway?) last night, but it seems our president remains fond of invoking "the lessons of 9/11" when discussing Iraq.

Shoulders tensing. Teeth grinding. Blood boiling.

As someone who was pretty near the action that morning, I hate having anything related to 9/11 being invoked for any purpose other than solemn remembrance. Don't assume I learned the same fucking lessons you did, Mr. President. After all, some people think one of the lessons from Jesus Christ's crucifixion is that it's OK to hate the Jews.

So whatever fucked up, condescending, bullshit lessons you learned from 9/11, Mr. President, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep them to yourself from now on.

Complete Badassedness

The New York Times should be ashamed of itself. Out of eight or ten regular Op-Ed writers, Maureen "Snarkier Than Thou" Dowd is the only woman, and she's on leave right now. Oh, and Barbara Ehrenreich once did a guest stint. But the male domination of the Op-Ed pages at the Times should be a bigger embarrassment to them than it is.

Meanwhile, over at The Nation (my subway reading), about half of the regular column writers, as well as the journal's editor, are women. Katha Pollitt is consistently my favorite -- she's got eloquence, passion, and intelligence surpassed by few writing in the opinion/editorial world. Take her most recent, for example.

Fucking A right, Ms. Pollitt. Testify.

Dickheads - Some Follow Up

Richard "Scruffy/Mushy" Scrushy got away with it. The baffled jury found him not guilty on all 36 counts of fraud. HealthSouth, on the other hand, is saying "no way, no how" to having Dick(head) involved in any way with the company again. The Retard Defense works on what must be considered a legally retarded jury.

Bernard "Seriously, Your Honor, I Have Health Problems" Ebbers, after his failed attempt at using the Retard Defense, is now asking for leniency. As CEO of WorldCom, a company second only to Enron in fraud notariety, prosecutors are pushing for life in prison, which sounds a lot like leniency to me already.

Dick(head) Cheney insists that the Iraq insurgency is in its last throes, proving he's either a liar or a fool, but certainly a Dickhead.

John Bolton still can't get his "up or down vote." Heh.

Management vs. Talent

peterjackson
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It sure is hard to feel sorry for multigazillionaires.

Peter Jackson is suing New Line Cinema because he feels he got screwed in the millions upon millions of dollars he made on "Lord of the Rings."

And I must say, the man's got a point.

New Line, part of the TimeWarner conglomerate, sold the rights to publishing, merchandising, and all those other movie-related revenue streams to subsidiaries at cut-rate prices. So TimeWarner's bottom line didn't suffer while the overall gross of the film (what Pete's salary is based on) went down.

Ah, creative accounting in a deregulated media age.

One legal representative from New Line said, "...there's a certain piggishness involved here. New Line already gave him enough money to rebuild Baghdad, but it's still not enough for him."

Hold on a sec. Is that a massive corporation implying that an individual is greedy? Hobbit, please...

Graham and Gays

bibleman
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I had hoped to do the extremism double feature here in New York yesterday, but a late night on Saturday, coupled with undesirable heat on Sunday, kept me from both the Gay Pride Parade and the final Billy Graham crusade.

Fortunately, with his purple tights and righteous battles, Bibleman satisfies both needs.

BIBLEMAN! Vanquish your evil foes! Strike at the heart of issues such as feminism and radicalism against Gossip Queen and Wacky Protester. Defeat the Streisandism of the Prince of Pride. Ensure there's no questioning authority (or faith) by crushing Shadow of Doubt. Sock Primordious Drool right in the wet mouth of evolutionary heathenism.

Bibleman! I love you! And there's only thirty-five seconds until the Second Coming! Hold me...

Future Leaders of America

Dude, I'm totally freaking out.

Dickhead of the Week - Adam Putnam

putnam
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Usually I wait until Monday to choose a Dickhead, but with the summer heat keeping me inside and the actions of this man boiling my blood brighter than his hair, well, let's just say I need to cool off a bit.

Bear with me, if you don't mind, as this will take a little explaining...

First of all, American Airlines, being the proper American business they are, wants to get out of paying their pensions. So who do they turn to? Their corporate buddies, i.e. Republicans, in Congress. AA has asked that U.S. tax payers accept the burden of paying for the pensions instead. Seems like a moderately terrible fucking idea to me.

Congressman George Miller (Democrat from the California 7th) apparently agrees, and he introduced an amendment to keep this shift of burden from happening.

Enter Congressman Adam "Butt Numb" Putnam. The Dickhead from Florida's 12th District called a voice vote on the amendment. You know, say "Yes," if you agree with Congressman Miller, and "No" if you don't.

Well, like the spoiled third grader he is in appearance, Butt Numb cheated. He cheated outrageously. And not only did he cheat outrageously, but he cheated badly. He's so busted in his cheating that his recess privileges should be taken from him.

Apologies for the mulitimedia link, but this is the only place I could find the vote online. The video montage includes a brief clip of the vote, among other Dickhead-worthy recent atrocities in our ever-reasonable House of Reps. The first link under "Show Sound" is about ten minutes of Randi Rhodes' radio rants, including several plays of the voice vote and her raging commentary.

Listen in wonder as Dickhead Butt Numb reduces our House of Representatives to a grumbling bunch of beaten down depressives.

Two words: Dick. Head.

Report from Queens

graham
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Our fair borough registers its bewilderment, as 7-train locals wonder why there are so many white teenagers wearing yellow shirts on the train today. Upon closer examination, the shirts reveal a picture of Jesus Christ and the words "Are You Ready?" and "Plano, TX." Never slow on the uptake, the collective light bulbs turn on above our heads and alarm sets in. The Baptists Are Coming! The Baptists Are Coming! The Reverend Billy Graham, every president's favorite (white) preacher man, crusades this weekend in Flushing Meadows/ Corona Park. And with him comes hope. For Graham and his throngs are crusading so close to Shea Stadium, even non-believers are praying that this will have a positive result for the Mets, who play the Yankees in the Bronx this weekend.

Re: Flag Desecration

bwphoto
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Dear Representative Joseph Crowley (Democrat of New York's 7th District),

I noticed that you voted in favor of amending our constitution to ban the desecration or debasement of our nation's flag.

First of all, Congressman, you should know, I'm not really into burning our flag, partly because the freedom to do so is a piece of what makes this country great. And I therefore don't want to burn the symbol of something I inherently agree with.

But I suppose if I were to be honest with you, Joe (may I call you Joe?), the main reason I don't burn flags is that I have an irrational fear of fire, the way that some people fear snakes or spiders or Republicans.

But, Joe, since the amendment covers all desecration or debasement, not just burning, I was hoping you could answer some questions...

- Can I step on it, if it's part of an art exhibition that I had no role in creating?

- Can I draw one on a chalkboard and then erase it?

- Can a baby wear flag diapers? Can a senior citizen or war veteran?

- Can I wrap my naked body with our flag? Could an obese person? What if the body wrapped was really smokin' (but not burning)?

- Can clowns throw flag pies into one another's faces? Would it be OK if I watched? What if I promised not to laugh?

- Can I eat a piece of flag cake at a 4th of July picnic? What if I promised to do it without any irony? What if I hummed our National Anthem while I chewed? What if someone drops a flag cake and ruins it? Would candles on a flag cake be acceptable?

I hope we can keep the lines of communication open, Congressman Joe, as I want to do everything I can to ensure that I don't inadvertently debase or desecrate our fine nation's fine flag.

Thanks, Joe. It's Democrats like you that keep the focus on the important issues of the day.

Hope this finds you and the family well.

Sincerely,
Dan
Sunnyside, Queens

Boycott Ends!

And thank the Lord Jesus Christ, because someone, somewhere, might have started caring.

Report from Queens

sunnyside
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A trip to the Sunnyside post office, a.k.a. The Worst Place in the World, reveals bad news for our fair borough, as well as the City at large. NY1, the Worst Place in the World's station of choice, reports a "crackdown on school safety," as city kids have had just about enough of feeling secure while learning. Our Rent Guidelines Board approves a hike of 5.5% in stabilized buildings, meant specifically to make outer-borough living less affordable. Finally, a double homicide on the south side of Queens Boulevard in Sunnyside, a reliably safe location for those of us gratefully priced out of Manhattan years ago, brings worry to few and shrugs from many. We are a concerned, if nonplussed, bunch.

Mock No More

Every time I gloat over the Yankees' misfortune, they go on a freakin' tear. They've won ten of thirteen games (seven of their last eight) since I enjoyed the idea of Steinbrenner's seething at his poorly spent $200 million. Last night, they scored thirteen runs in the 8th inning to beat the hapless Devil Rays 20-11. Their record is now better than the Mets, who lost five of six from the two worst teams in the American League West.

If the Yanks hit another sucky spell, I'm keeping my damned mouth shut. And maybe I'll put on one of these instead.

Nice Goin', Genius

angrybush
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Looks like the itty-bitty Britty brainies have a little problem with big bad Bushie's denial where science is concerned. Apparently, he made a few revisions to the G8 agenda the poor four-eyed labcoats didn't like too much. Greenhouse gas emissions' effect on global warming? Ain't none we've seen yet. Human activity has an effect on our warming planet? We don't see how. Global warming itself a threat? Suck it, monkey!

Well, a few scientists are attempting a last-ditch effort to get all eight of the G8's to admit that global warming is a real problem.

And they're gonna have a lot of success, too. Just ask the stem-cell research lobby about Dubya's understanding of, and respect for, science.

Dickhead of the Week - Richard Scrushy

scrushy
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

There seems to be an infinite number of Dickhead CEOs allegedly committing fraud. Richard "Part Scruffy, Part Mushy" Scrushy inflated earnings at HealthSouth and made millions in bonuses and stock sales. You all know the basic plot by now, there've been so many Dickheads doing this of late. Scrushy is claiming that it was his minions doing all the fraudulating without his knowledge, i.e. he's using the Retard Defense. Sorry, Dick(head), but if you take the credit for massive earnings (even if they're not true), then you also get credit for massive failings. Just ask Bernard Ebbers. The jury is apparently deadlocked on all 36 counts of fraud at the moment, and will continue deliberations tomorrow. You know what? Even if this guy truly didn't know about the massive fraud going on right under his nose, he's still a Dickhead. Who pays for those fucking bonuses, anyway? Policy holders. Scruffy/Mushy, I hold you responsible for the rising health care costs in our fine country. J'accuse, Dickhead!

Famous and Infamous

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Times theater critic Christopher Isherwood takes an enormous bite of humble pie and admits that he was perhaps unfair to Elizabeth Berkley. About a year ago, she called him to complain, not because the play she was in got panned by him, but because in another small print item, he referred to her as the star of "Showgirls."

Elizabeth was, of course, the star of that notoriously bad film, but he admitted that she was correct in suggesting that to refer to her solely as the star of "Showgirls" was damaging to her career, one she has painstakingly attempted to put back together. After all, good actors are often in bad movies. I doubt, for example, that Dustin Hoffman's epitaph will refer to him the star of "Ishtar." But while Dustin's clunker came after he'd had a chance to establish himself, Elizabeth's was a first film. Bad luck. And we may never know if she's got real talent, largely perhaps due to the constant reminder in the press of that first turd.

Isherwood goes on to say that her performance in the revival of Hurly Burly is great, made even greater when put up against the other powerhouse performances in David Rabe's play.

I admire Christopher calling himself to task, something few critics are willing or able to do. And I admire Elizabeth's chutzpah in getting on the horn to a critic to register her complaint.

But I hope it's OK with Elizabeth if I continue to refer to her as "the woman who once watched me make out with Jennifer Beals."

Bald and Once Effective

kozlowski
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

L. Dennis Kozlowski was convicted of stealing $150 million from Tyco. He was also found guilty of selling off inflated stock to the tune of an additional $430 million. As CEO, he was very effective at the stealing part. The getting away with it part? Not so much.

If greed is one of the deadly sins, how come Dennis doesn't get the death penalty?

Follow the Fire

dean
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Capitalizing on this here news will be Howard Dean's first big challenge as head of the DNC. The 2006 midterms are there for the taking if Howard does his job AND if the others in the Pussy, i.e. Democratic, Party follow his lead.

One of the reasons I've always liked Howard is the loose cannon aspect of his personality so many cowards, i.e. democrats, fear most. He speaks his mind, sticks his foot in it, and then says, "So what, motherfucker! Let's take this shit outside, bitch!"

So Dean this past week has said some mildly controversial things. To all the wimp-ass douchebags, i.e. Democrats, that have disassociated themselves from Howard's ferocity, I say this:

Pick the fight. Playing nice and tiptoeing around the bulldogs of the Republican Party hasn't fucking worked. So quit your cowering, get off your paintywaisted asses, and stand behind the head of your party. Better yet, get out in front of the man and form a wall of insulting battering rams, going headfirst unto the breach. Misspeak. Mix metaphors. Confuse the opponent. Get ugly. Attack. Get dirty -- pinch and bite if you have to. But fight the fight you want to fight.

Follow the fire, you fucking dim-witted, yellow Democrats, and maybe -- just maybe -- you'll capitalize on the horrendous performance of this crappy Congress and win some damn seats. Hell, you might even find yourself in a majority party again.

Or play the way you've always played, and when you find yourselves in a dwindling minority, cry like the sissies, i.e. Democrats, you've turned into.

Dickheads - Some Follow-up

Being what they are, the Dickheads remain in the news. So here are some updates with regard to a few of our esteemed Dickheads:

- John Bolton is having a hard time getting his "up-or-down vote," as Democrats are sticking to their guns a bit on this one. The Dems want more info, as if they don't already know he's a Dickhead unworthy of the proposed UN post.

- Bill Frist, in response to the autopsy stating that Terry's Schiavo's brain was half the size it should be (the autopsy added that she was blind and completely unaware of her surroundings), now claims he never made a diagnosis via videotape.

- Kenneth Tomlinson, our friend at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting who secretly recorded the political leanings of Bill Moyer's Now, is currently under investigation for questionable lobbying practices.

- Anakin Skywalker is Darth Vader.

Ah, Dickheads. Is there anything they won't do?

Film Critics Should Be Required to Like Films

I think this is something that's come up before in the comments section of another posting, but there are a few film critics in New York that I'm fairly convinced don't actually like movies. The one I'm finding most infuriating these days is New York Times critic Manohla Dargis. (And actually, I think Manohla lives in L.A. but since she writes for the NY Times, I'll call her a New York critic.)

Manohla is a relatively new addition to the team of film critics at the Times, having replaced Elvis Mitchell. Elvis wrote reviews that were occasionally obtuse and often strange, but I sort of appreciated that about him. Manohla is more about being mean. If she doesn't like something, she tears it apart in the harshest tones possible without a great deal of real insight. At least when A.O. Scott gets bitchy, I feel there's an intelligent point being made underneath the bitchiness. And when Manohla likes something, it's very hard to tell. I thought her review of the recent "Fever Pitch" was a pan, until the movie ended up on her "recommended" list. So she liked it, but apparently didn't want to admit it.

Here are the first two sentences of her review of the new "Batman" movie:

'Near the big-bang finish of "Batman Begins," the title avenger, played by the charismatic young British actor Christian Bale, scoops up a damsel in distress, played by Katie Holmes, and spirits her away to his lair. Watching this scene, it was hard not to think how nice it would have been if Batman had instead dispatched the infernally perky actress, whose recent off-screen antics have threatened to eclipse this unexpectedly good movie.'

She ends with "good movie," and the review is mostly a rave, but why does she have to focus on how annoying Katie Holmes has been (and yes, I agree that the Tom/Katie crap has been irritating)? Why does the film have to be an "unexpectedly good movie"? Why not just a "good movie"? The director Christopher Nolan has made good movies before ("Memento," anyone?), so why were her expectations so low?

Manohla loves to hate movies. And she resents the movies she likes.

I want to hold you, Manohla. I want you to know that it's OK to surrender yourself over to visual storytelling. Your feelings are valid when you watch even the most mediocre romantic comedy. You're allowed to enjoy the thrill of spectacle. It's alright to be moved by a simple story that goes deep. And it's OK, too, not to like some movies. There's no reason to let these bad films get to you so much. The filmmakers haven't made the movie to piss you off personally. But film can be fun, Manohla. You must have known this at some point. Why else would you end up working in film? I implore you, Manohla. Please, re-open yourself to the film medium.

Lessons from Kansas - Nauseous for Teacher

kansasband
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Juvenile assault and battery charges have been brought against a 17-year-old Olathe high school student who vomited on his Spanish teacher. The teacher and principal claim that it was an intentional barfing, but the boy's father believes his son, who told him he was feeling really stressed out during finals.

Well, the kid's been expelled, and I'm sorry, but you don't expel a student for throwing up unless you're pretty damn sure it was a deliberate aggressive act.

Tip for the future, kid: If you want to ralph on your teacher and get away with it, you might want to pretend it was an accident and keep the giggling afterward to a minimum. At your next school, take some acting classes.

Latest Annoying Catchphrase

"Up-or-down vote" has become the most frustrating and irritating phrase to enter the political vernacular since "culture of life."

Thank you for your interest. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The article hints at it (why do they think we're the butt of so many jokes?), but never quite comes out and says what I like most about Queens: It's the comedy borough.

Dick(head) of the Week - Dick Cheney

cheney
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The award for this week is a long time coming to Dick "Head" Cheney (the Halliburton crap alone qualifies him for the Dickhead Hall of Fame), our esteemed Vice President and draft dodger who had "other priorities during Vietnam." And yet like so many chickenhawk/turkeys he's quick to send troops into harm's way or as an anti-euphemist might say, "to their deaths." Well, the Bush administration, always putting a compassionate face on its most controversial zealotry, now have The Dick defending Gitmo. He says we're treating the prisoners there "better than any other government would." With reports of widespread abuses, "The" maintains that we're treating the detainees humanely, even though we don't have to, i.e., the Geneva Convention doesn't apply. Well, done, Dick(head). Aim low. We treat our detainees better than they do in, say, Saudi Arabia or Darfur. Yeah, at least Idi Amin's not in charge. I mean, look, Bush's America sure as heckfire isn't Franco's Spain, and if you want to see real abuses, check out Ferdinand Marcos and Augusto Pinochet. Sure, we backed those regimes, but we didn't really mean it. Good strategy, Dick. Bring on the comparisons to the Killing Fields, and what we've got in Cuba is a regular Sunday in the Park with Dubya. Go fuck yourself, Mr. Vice President. Which reminds me: I'm still waiting to hear you apologize to Jim Jeffords. With all the grovelling you should be participating in, that's the fucking least you can do.

Not Guilty!

Michael Jackson is not guilty of conspiracy and abduction, not guilty of child molestation, and not guilty of plying children with alcohol. He's also certainly not guilty of being strange or behaving at all strangely.

Nothing to see here, folks.

Report from Queens

shea
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's Fred Wilpon to the rescue, as a smug Sunnyside gloats inwardly, while remaining outwardly gracious. Turns out NYC2012 couldn't submit a complete proposal to the Olympic committee while also denying the existence of our fair borough. The westside stadium, a.k.a. the worst idea ever, gets the hammer from the state legislature, and the Mets win via forfeit, finally getting a much-needed refurbishment to the charming industrial wasteland we adoringly call Shea. Still, there is unfinished business, and I don't just mean the Olympic committee's final decision. Even with this promising news about our local team's new home, the mediocre team play of late leaves locals wondering, "Now that the Mets have saved the city, who will save our dear Mets?"

Lessons from Kansas - Crystal Meth

Crystal meth, methamphetamine, or crank. Whatever the name, this cheap, highly addictive drug has rocked the plains states (Kansas, in particular, it seems) over the past decade or so. The day I'm freebasing the stuff out of a broken light bulb, well, that would almost have to be rock bottom.

Seems there's another reason to kick the crank habit, or "crabit," as I like to call it. Meth Mouth. In a matter of a few months, teeth turn from hard and healthy pearly whites to the mushy overripe fruit usually reserved for Gallagher shows. Dentists in poor rural communities and prisons seem to be the most affected by Meth Mouth, as the prisoners and ruralites themselves are usually too strung out to notice.

So do your dentist a favor and, while you're at it, save your choppers. Kick the "crabit" today.

Approval

The AP did a poll revealing that Bush's approval rating is as low as it's ever been: 43%.

Still seems pretty fucking high to me.

Lessons from Kansas - Twine

twine
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Kansas is home to the world's largest ball of twine, seen here with my mom (left) and her friend/boss.

I don't want to sound under-appreciative of this twiney feat of balled magnitude, but wouldn't you expect the world's largest ball of twine to be larger? I mean, really, anything that looks like it can fit in my New York apartment can't possibly be the world's largest. And if it is, I think there's someone out there who can do better.

Someone: Go make history.

Democrats May Get Bitch-Slapped, but at Least They Take It

If all these right-wing judges are getting confirmed to their lifetime appointments, I don't understand the "compromise" both sides seem to be touting. Is it that Democrats could've fought if they wanted to, but then didn't?

Hello? Third party? Are you there? It's me, Dan.

Vermont's State Bird

mosquito
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I've returned from Vermont all chomped up by mosquitos. I have reason to believe they're breeding a killer super-mosquito in New England, as these guys really seem to know what they're doing. I have the usual bites on my arms and legs, but there were a few mosquitos going for something a little more.

A couple bastards attempted to suck the fluid out of my brain, and my scalp is now covered in welts. One fucker went right to the source, but between my shirt and chest hair, he couldn't reach my actual heart. He did, however, manage to break the skin, which is disconcerting enough. The most disturbing, perhaps, is the bite on my jugular. Considering how forcefully blood flows through the jugular, I can't imagine that the little guy didn't explode, but I'm frankly surprised I've survived to tell the tale.

It Pleases Me So

noyanks
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I don't actually hate the Yankees to the degree that most Mets fans do, but I love knowing how Steinbrenner seethes when the Yanks hit a slide like their current one.

Last time I mocked the Yankees, they went on a tear, winning nine of ten games, so this time, I won't get smug. Instead, I'll sit here and quietly enjoy watching Georgie steam at his $200 million so poorly spent.

Big Fan of the Protest...

...the pun, on the other hand, I can do without.

I Dream of Assholes

So in this dream I'm hanging out with Dennis Haysbert (President Palmer on 24 and Allstate Insurance spokesman), and we're watching a marathon for people with disabilities. Dennis is nice. On my other side is this flaming asshole friend of mine (I don't know him in my real life, but he was a friend in this dream). As the leader of the marathon, a blind runner, passes us, he trips and falls. Flaming Asshole laughs loudly, exclaiming, "Oh, snap!"

Dickhead(s) of the Week - Two-Thirds of the Supreme Court

justices
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

In a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court outlawed the use of medical marijuana. In the majority were Dickheads John Paul "Pope" Stevens, Anthony "JF" Kennedy, David "Cuter" Souter, Ruth Bader "Allen" Ginsberg, Stephen "Ice Cream" Breyer, and Antonin "I Heart Orgies" Scalia.

Generally the Supremes are all states rights all the time, so I'm a bit on the baffled side of this decision. And anyway, the reasons for legalizing marijuana seem infinite, but the kindest of all of them is pain relief for cancer victims or appetite building for AIDS patients.

Clarence "Check Out My John" Thomas avoids Dickheadedness for once in his life, along with Sandra "Night And" Day O'Connor and Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who knows a thing or two about the discomfort of cancer and may just be toking a little on the side.

Fortunately, as the minority opinion acknowledges, the states prioritize their own law enforcement, and most police officers recognize that they've got better things to do than keep Grandma Ada off the wacky tobaccy.

A Tale of Intrigue and Deception

potter6
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Evil is thwarted again, and I'm not talking about the plot of the forthcoming Harry Potter novel. But alas, the plot seems to be worth a small fortune, one worth stealing.

I can't decide what's more disappointing: that newspapers will consider purchasing the sixth book's story for $100,000+ and yet don't have money in their budgets for real investigative journalism; or that there are people out there who want nothing more than to ruin the experience of reading the next installment. We're talking emotional devastation for millions of children. And me.

I Like Your Boots

L-Word
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I came up to Vermont today to help get "the farm" ready for its artist residency season, and this evening, I watched an episode of The L-Word with the organization's director, another straight man.

One character's storyline essentially consisted of her complimenting a love/sex interest's boots, first from afar and finally to her face, when they commenced the macking.

At some point, while watching, it became clear to my that my friend was hearing her say, "I like your boobs." When I corrected him, he was quite insistent, to the tune of rewinding and re-listening.

Boy, we straight men, when it comes to lesbians, well, we just really wanna hear what we wanna hear. And in this case, my friend's lesbian fantasy world was even sillier than the fictional lesbian world we were watching.

Hwah! Kkkhah!

There's a dude that lives in my building that I hear at least twice a day, hacking up phlegm outside my window. He has an utter lack of self-consciousness I really respect. I've run into him outside the immediate perimeter of my block on two occasions. Once he was coming out of the bathroom at Shea Stadium. The other, he was coming into the bathroom at Belmont. I don't know what the Mets and horse racing have to do with phlegm issues, but I'm pretty sure there's a connection.

Tom "Pleasure" Cruise

Now that the New York Times says so, in its "fair-minded" and "objective" way, can we once and for all acknowledge that Tom Cruise is wackadoo?

I wonder how attractive he'll be to Katie "There's No Place Like" Holmes once he's successfully committed career suicide.

Mr. Throat

I've been reading up on all this Deep Throat/W. Mark Felt stuff, as it's, well, interesting. And with all the different reactions and denials and further conspiracy theories (some of which sound perfectly plausible to me, including that Felt isn't in fact Deep Throat), the thing I'm finding most amusing about it all is that proper journalists, once they call him Deep Throat the first time, simply refer to him as "Throat." As in: first name, Deep; last name: Throat.

Oh, yes, it does please me so.

What They Call Football

rockinclouds
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

While I was overseas enjoying such sites as the one shown on the right, there were some very important British football matches taking place.

Celtic gave away the league cup to the Rangers in the final minute of a seemingly sure match. But then Celtic went on to win the Scottish Cup 1-0, defeating Dundee United. Celtic, by the way, is the Catholic team, while the Rangers are the Protestants. Not sure why they've been embraced in this way, but that's also why a Scottish football team like Celtic is embraced so wholeheartedly in my Irish neighborhood.

Arsenal defeated Manchester United for the FA Cup. ManU is British football's equivalent to the New York Yankees (even going so far as to forge an official retail partnership). Lots of money spent on superstars that sometimes don't live up to expectations. Arsenal won in a shoot-out. The only English football match I've ever seen live was at Arsenal's stadium in London, so I was happy to see them win.

The most dramatic match of them all was the Champions' League Final, in which Liverpool came back from 3-0 at halftime to tie AC Milan at the end of regulation, and ultimately win in a shoot-out. A comeback from three-nil at halftime is sort of like coming back with two outs in the bottom of the ninth, down by seven runs. Good stuff.

But shoot-outs. For those of you not familiar, the shoot-out is what occurs at the end of two overtime periods, should the match remain tied. Each team gets five shots at the goal and whoever scores the most wins.

I say play 'til you drop, boys. Eventually someone will score. As happy as I was with the Arsenal victory, ManU out-played them, then lost on shoot-outs. Lame. The Liverpool match was one of the greatest of all-time. To allow them to finish the match in sudden-death overtime would've only made it better.

Shoot-outs are tense and dramatic, sure, but they're a cop-out means of ending a great match. And I know better because I'm American, and we call it soccer.

Dickhead(s) of the Week - Watergate Edition

watergate
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

With the unveiling of Deep Throat, who for years I assumed was in fact Hal Holbrook, it's time to look at some of the biggest Dickheads in our nation's history. But let's focus on those who continue to be Dickheads by bad-mouthing W. Mark Felt, who finally went public with his role.

Former Nixon speechwriter Pat Buchanan called Deep Throat a traitor, one who behaved "treacherously." Pat stopped short of accusing him of waging a culture war. Boy, Pat's an all-time Dickhead.

Charles "Special Counsel to Tricky Dick" Colson thinks Felt is a sneak, who should never have gone to the press. Sounds like that seven months in prison really helped him accept responsibility for his actions. When he takes a good, long look at himself in the mirror, he sees a Master Dickhead.

Henry "Pinochet's My Lover" Kissinger, diplomatic as always, agrees with Buchanan and Colson, although it's hard to be sure, since his English hasn't improved in the fifty-plus years he's lived in this country. Kissinger's brother, who came over at the same time, speaks perfect English, and when asked about the discrepancy in linguistic abilities, he said quite simply, "When have you known Henry to listen at all?"

Tricky Dick(head) Nixon didn't live to see Deep Throat revealed, but even before his cover-up was reportedly angry that a Jew such as Felt got to be so powerful at the FBI. Of course, Haldeman, who told Nixon that Felt was a Jew, was wrong. So there's a couple of anti-Semitic Dickheads for you.

The strangest response may go to Jeb "Tapes" Magruder, who spent seven months in prison and now feels that it's good we finally closed the chapter on the guy who was named after the greatest porn queen of all time.

Dickheads, one and all. Let's honor them appropriately by giving our props to Felt for his mad skills.