dickhead of the week - bernard ebbers

bernie probably won't be the last c.e.o. or former c.e.o. to get on my list, but this weasely motherfucker claimed on the stand today to be more of a coach in the worldcom family than actual leader, that he was unaware of the fraud going on under his nose. this defense, what I will call "the retard defense," is also currently being used by richard "super dick" scrushy, former head of healthsouth, and is the anticipated defense of enron's kenneth "douchbag" lay. these schmucks cause so much bile to course through my veins, the tips of my fingers are burning off, making it impossible to type more on the subject.

77th annual oscar celebration

oscar
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

hollywood royalty blah blah in full force last night for the blah blah annual oscar cele-blah blah. blah blah red carpet blah blah blah. chris rock kicked off the blah blah with a blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah cream-of-the-crop blah blah, recognizing the best blah blah of the past blah blah. "the aviator" got off to a blah blah blah, but the blah belonged to "million dollar baby," which won blah, blah, blah, and blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah.

making slow, sweet music

I went with a few folks to fairfield, connecti-cult last night to hear some classical music (don't ask). the soloists were great, and the orchestra seemed to do pretty well with the fast movements of the symphonies being played. when it came time for the slow bits, however, the musicianship sort of fell apart. my wife pointed out that playing slowly is much more difficult than playing quickly, which, when you think about it, is true about so many important things.

a kansas trifecta

having grown up in the state, I always take notice when it's featured prominently in my now local paper, the new york times. this morning, there are three articles on the home page, in which kansas is featured prominently. the big headline is that the kansas d.a. is demanding the medical records of women (and girls) who've had abortions so that he can prosecute those who had theirs outside the confines of the law and those who may have had underage sex. in a second article, editorial writer paul krugman uses thomas franks' fine book "what's the matter with kansas?" to argue against complacency toward the right's attack on social security. if paul knew less about economics, he and I could be great friends. the third article presents lawrence, kansas, in the times' regular travel feature, "36 hours in." this liberal oasis in the otherwise rightward state is a great town, where a friend was once handed a pizza while on acid, where the argument that kansas is flat holds no water, and where, in my quest for independence, I always feared I'd get stuck.

lessons from kansas - jayhawker, part 1

jayhawk
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

there is no bird called a jayhawk. it's simply the a-political cutie kansas university created to hide the violent past of its mascot.

lessons from kansas - jayhawker, part 2

john brown
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

in fact, this is what a typical jayhawker looked like. jayhawkers were violent abolitionists who stood armed at the missouri border to keep the ruffians out. you know, in case you were wondering.

that didn't take long

I love my borough...

nice goin', genius

so a bipartisan panel has confirmed what most of us already know: bush's no child left behind is flawed, convoluted, and unconstitutional. here in new york city, a public school employee received information on how to apply for public school dollars to pay for private school teacher training. upon closer examination he discovered that it was part of a no child left behind initiative. so brearly, chapin, and the other most expensive schools in the city are more eligible for public funding for teacher training than p.s. 150 in sunnyside, queens. thank you, dubya.

understatement of the day

at mets' spring training, in some strange attempt to show that past troubles are behind them, pedro said that he'd shoot someone in the head for piazza. he then demonstrated, shooting a reporter with his fingers. when pedro's comment made it back to his catcher, piazza in his typically relaxed manner stated, "he doesn't need to do that."

boy, these guys are hilarious

what will these wacky ballplayers think of next?

physical needs

physical needs
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

ah, to have it all...

report from queens

map_NYC_Queens
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

a weary sunnyside shakes its collective head in disappointment as the 2012 olympic committee comes to the city in time to enjoy christo's gates. meanwhile, our fair borough gets jilted again with an olympic plan that includes a plethora of boring sports and tacky-ass housing. beleaguered sunnysiders everywhere ask, where's our respect, where's our new stadium, where's our badminton?

creepy toys

new york toy fair is going on right now. a few years ago, when I was working for the muppets, our attendance at toy fair was required. while a few of us were getting a guided tour, we were introduced to a new doll. she was blond and pretty and came with a fake razor. when you used cold water, you could "shave" her legs and they would turn a paler shade of caucasian. it was creepy enough on its own, but even creepier in that the doll looked remarkably like jonbenet ramsey, whose story was creating a bit of a media frenzy. I will never understand a) why they didn't cancel the product introduction, or b) why they had a burly man demonstrating.

up and running

well, it took a few days longer than expected, but it now appears that I have what is commonly referred to as a "web presence." beware: most of my early posts are going to be about how I don't know what I'm doing on this here site. the "effective" portion of my site may have to come later. unfortunately, I didn't reserve bald.com soon enough. that went to a bunch of transplant surgeons instead.

New Pork Mets

with the ban on facial hair except 'staches, mets' fans have a new game to play during those long summer-day losses - "which met looks most like a 70s porn star?" although even that may not be much fun, considering that no one can compare with the knobby head of mr. met.

lions and tigers and bears

Big Fish
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

mom's thinking of going on safari. but if this is her response to a dead fish, how will she feel sitting in an open jeep being stalked by a water buffalo?

my head

birthmark
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I didn't know I had a birthmark until I was bald

oh, when the freakin' saints

generally I'm pretty happy with the thickness of the walls in my apartment. then the neighbor kid started learning the recorder. is it an ethnic stereotype to maintain that the maltese have no natural musical ability?

joining the 90s

perhaps it can't be considered effective to BEGIN a website in 2005, but on the bald side of things I've been enormously effective since the mid-nineties.

impatient

one problem with being bald and effective is that one can also be impatient. I may need to wait several days before my domain is active. alas...