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These Dead Presidents Are Way Worse

I’m no presidential historian, but when the right attacks Woodrow Wilson, well, they wake a sleeping bald & effective giant. If Woodrow’s their tit, I’ll give them a few tats…

Fuck James Buchanan. He ruined Kansas. It’s because of him that Fred Phelps has flourished in Kansas. Seriously, it all goes back to James Buchanan. Trust me on this one. The man was a Dickhead.

Fuck Millard Fillmore. He was a know-nothing piece of shit. And it’s because of him that there’s pride in being uneducated in America today. It’s true. I’m not pulling that out of my ass. He was a serious Dickhead.

Fuck Chester A. Arthur. I don’t trust his facial hair, although perhaps it’s just jealousy. Either way. Fuck that guy. Dickhead.

Fuck Calvin Coolidge. It’s tempting to let him slide because he’s from Vermont, but his laissez-faire bullshit put our country on a road toward corporate greed and the utter corrupting of our democracy with money. Also, those laissez-faire policies? Yeah, that’s the Great Depression he caused. Dick. Head.

Don’t even get me started on Rutherford B. Hayes (for killing striking railroad workers) and Grover Cleveland (non-consecutive terms? puh-lease).

Anyway, happy National Coming Out Day. Come on out, gay people. B&E is a friendly place for you.

Unless you happen to be James Buchanan, Millard Fillmore, Calvin Coolidge, or Chester A. Arthur. And actually, James Buchanan was the only bachelor president. I’m just saying.

4 comments on “These Dead Presidents Are Way Worse

  1. Pierce? Polk? Harding? Hoover? It’s a long list.

  2. That’s a lot of accusations without citations.

  3. Melissa on said:

    In all seriousness I would be interested to hear about James Buchanan and Kansas.

  4. You know what? I’m gonna say it: James Madison. That guy was a Dickhead too.

    I think the rule is you can accuse anyone who’s dead.

    And it was partially James Buchanan’s bungling that caused Bleeding Kansas. There’s a lot more to say on the subject, but who’s got time?

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