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It’s a Very Kind B&E

For once, “B&E” on B&E doesn’t mean bald & effective. Today, it means breaking & entering. But first…

I’m sure it will surprise you to hear that I’m no big fan of the monster banks. Whether it’s the bailout, the bonuses, the lack of lending, or the inequity, I’ve got reasons.

So I’m deeply suspicious of any bank advertising on TV. Truth be told, I’m pretty suspicious of any TV advertising, but when I see ads for banks, I can’t help but have my defenses up high.

JP Morgan Chase has a relatively new spot that airs during the baseball playoffs (which along with my guilty pleasure Castle is the only programming I currently watch). It’s under the theme “The Way Forward,” and if you haven’t seen the ad (that’s animated like a flip book and talks about how great JP Morgan Chase has been in rebuilding the economy and neighborhoods via its reasonable stance on foreclosures), you can watch it on the JP Morgan Chase website. Which I won’t link to.

They’re the friendly bank, don’t you know, keeping the economy going with their big TV ad buys to demonstrate how friendly and economy-boosting they are. They are also turning a handsome profit these days – a 23% increase from last year. Well done, JP Morgan Chase! Way to pick yourself up from the bootstraps and turn your fledgling enterprise around!

Which brings me to this woman, whose home was broken into while she was inside. If you listen to the 911 call, you can plainly hear the terror in her voice. The burglar? An employee of JP Morgan Chase. His assignment? To change her locks. Her crime? Nothing. She wasn’t even in foreclosure. Even if she were in foreclosure, the actions of the bank would have been illegal. Amy Goodman of Democracy Now! had a nice chat with the woman’s lawyer that you can listen to here. I particularly like his repeated use of “jack-booted thugs,” a phrase I’m not completely sure I even understand but like nonetheless.

JP Morgan Chase needs to take their newfangled TV advertising, their quarterly increase in profits, turn it all into rolls of nickels and dimes, and shove those rolls as deeply as they can right up their fucking asses.

Or better yet, maybe for ads such as JP Morgan Chase’s, it should be required to put a disclaimer on the end of the spot, sort of like the pharmaceutical industry’s spots. But instead of “May cause headache, nausea, and anal leakage,” the JP Morgan Chase disclaimers is, “May result in government kidnapping, consumer exploitation, and neighborhood decimation.”

Just one more reason all six of my B&E (that’s “bald & effective”) readers should move their money out of a giant bank and into a local community bank or credit union.

8 comments on “It’s a Very Kind B&E

  1. Carrie on said:

    OKay, first, I switched to a local bank, and whenever I go in there the bank manager comes out and we chat, and she asks after Matt. Matthew, as she alone calls him. The tellers know me by name, and they know that I like to go get a coffee while they tally up my deposits. (Not because I am so wealthy, but because I get tons of tiny checks instead of one big one, and I can’t add.) If I don’t come back, they just mail me the receipt with a little smily face.

    Second, during the American Revolution, men were known to yell, “Death to the thuggery of the British crown and her jack-booted minions”.

    Most importantly, dude! I totally watch Castle too. That guy is fu-nny.

  2. blondandeffective on said:

    big banks = bad
    Castle = good
    Agreed.

  3. Apparently, I need to write a little something about why I heart Castle.

  4. blondandeffective on said:

    1- a cop show with a sense of humor; 2-”ruggedly handsome” lead actor and smart, attractive, tank-top-eschewing lead actress; 3-Susan Sullivan; 4-beautifully shot in beautiful NY. What’s not to heart?

  5. Shut the front door! How did I miss the fact you watch Castle? Maybe because I skimmed your post. I hate that I have to admit that, but I love that show and I love knowing you do too. You just keep unfolding like an onion. I look forward to your Castle post.

  6. Deanna on said:

    OMG I love “shut the front door!” other favorites, “cheese and rice” (rather than Jesus Christ) and “Sugar Honey Ice Tea”, (shit).

    I am guilty of dancing with big bank still. Remind me who you like in our fair hood for baby sitting my money?

    Reader #7 (aka Deanna)

  7. Well, in Sunnyside, the Dime bank is the closest community bank – that’s the one on the north side of Queens Blvd. at 43rd St. The missus and I are at the Actors Federal Credit Union, which makes total sense because neither of us are actors.

    I first heard “shut the front door” from a right-wing friend on Facebook, probably more than a year ago. In the last month, every gay person I know (and some straight people too, Laura) has started saying it. Where did the phrase appear recently to make this happen? Was it on “Glee”?

  8. I got it from Castle. I love me some good curse words, but when I am on the sales floor of the bookstore I have to watch what I say.
    Anyway, banks…

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