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Yes, Luther, This Is Most Certainly True

Anyone raised Lutheran is familiar with Martin Luther’s Small Catechism. At one point, I had the whole thing memorized. It goes over many topics and offers explanations and clarity around the various religious concepts that make Lutherans Lutheran. Luther’s Small Catechism is particularly interested in laying out clear and concise ways that the head of a household can teach the meanings behind some of the most powerful teachings of the Lutheran Church.

One section focuses on the Ten Commandments. Luther follows a very simple structure. Commandment; question; explanation. In practice, it works like this. We’ll use everyone’s favorite commandment, number six, as an example:

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

What does this mean?

We should fear and love God that we may lead a chaste and decent life in words and deeds, and each love and honor his spouse.

Sensible advice.

Once Luther gets into the explanations for the Creed, he adds a new element to the explanations.

I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth.

What does this mean?

I believe that God has made me and all creatures; that He has given me my body and soul, eyes, ears, and all my limbs, my reason, and all my senses, and still preserves them; in addition thereto, clothing and shoes, meat and drink, house and homestead, wife and children, fields, cattle, and all my goods; that He provides me richly and daily with all that I need to support this body and life, protects me from all danger, and guards me and preserves me from all evil; and all this out of pure, fatherly, divine goodness and mercy, without any merit or worthiness in me; for all which I owe it to Him to thank, praise, serve, and obey Him. This is most certainly true.

“This is most certainly true.” Martin Luther loved this sentence. And Lutherans everywhere embrace it, particularly when making Lutheran jokes.

Well, Friday at my job, we closed down our office for an hour to go have lunch and eat some Luther Burgers.

What does this mean?

The Luther Burger is not named for Martin Luther, but for Luther Vandross, the R&B singer who, urban legend insists, invented it. It is a bacon-cheddar burger served between two Krispy Kreme donuts. Luther Vandross suffered from diabetes and hypertension and died from a stroke at a relatively young age. At the time of his death, he was a large, large man.

We’ve been talking about Luther Burgers at my job and working to find an opportunity to give one a whirl for more than a year now. Some people thought it would be good; some people thought it would be disgusting.

It’s a logistical challenge.

What does this mean?

First of all, most places that sell burgers don’t also sell Krispy Kremes. It was something we wanted to do together, as colleagues, so preparing one at home just seemed rude.

We take turns bringing in treats every Friday, and this past week’s treat master had also celebrated a birthday during the week, and she announced brazenly that this would be the week for Luther Burgers. She would procure the Krispy Kremes (no longer an easy task, since so many of the locations have closed).

Our work neighborhood also has a dearth of good, cheap burgers. There’s a really good restaurant that does a kickass organic burger, but honestly, it felt really dirty putting that thing on a couple of Krispy Kremes.

Finally, there’s the problem of bringing the outside food into a restaurant. We knew we wanted them fresh. Even good burgers won’t necessarily travel well. So one colleague sweet-talked an employee at a new-ish lunch spot into letting us bring in the donuts while we sat in their establishment and ate their burgers. There were 12 of us eating, and we were all buying bacon-and-cheddar cheeseburgers (except for the two veggie burgers, the cowards), so they agreed to the deal.

And they were very accommodating.

What does this mean?

They brought the burgers out without buns on a separate tray…

We’d brought in the donuts, or doughnuts, if you prefer the classic spelling, a.k.a. the buns…

Put ‘em all together and you get…

Then you eat it.

What does this mean?

It was fucking delicious, B&E readers.

I fully expected the salt/sweet thing to be tasty. My biggest concern was that the burger would be overwhelmed by the sweetness of the two donuts. I mean, hell, it’s two goddamned donuts serving as buns here, B&E readers. Alas, that’s the brilliance of using Krispy Kremes. They are light and fluffy, relatively tasteless, actually. So it still tastes like a bacon-cheddar cheeseburger, with just a touch of sweetness that brings out the saltiness of the burger. It’s goddamned genius.

What does this mean?

Luther Vandross is a goddamned genius; Martin Luther would have approved.

This is most certainly true.

One comment on “Yes, Luther, This Is Most Certainly True

  1. Melissa on said:

    Holy shit.

    I had a coronary,AND a stroke just reading about this burger. I think my cholesterol went up a few hundred point too.

    I think I will just trust your judgement that it was good and skip trying it on my own.

    Holy shit.

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