Mets Scouting Report 2009! Pitching!

Oh, B&E readers, you wacky baseball fans! An active off-season! A rebuilt bullpen! A New Stadium-That-Must-Not-Be-Named! Screw baseball! It's about the food! What?? Screw baseball?? I don't think so, B&E readers/baseball fans!

Exhibition game #1 is complete at Bailout Ballfield! Mets win 4-3! It doesn't count! What counts? Pitching! That's what counts!

Starters!
Solid Performers or Broken-down Bitches?

The Ace! Johan "Carlos" Santana! He may want to legalize pot, but time already almost stands still when he's got that changeup working! Whooooooaaaaa.

Number 2! Mike "Bats In The" Pelfrey! Came around last year! Hope that spike in innings doesn't result in injury! Prediction! Surprise Cy Young winner! You heard it here first! Now forget I mentioned it!

Number 3! John "Susan Collins Is Senator From" Maine! Please be healthy! Please! Please? Please, oh please, oh please ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease...

Number 4! Oliver "Twist" Perez! Please, suh! Can Oy 'ave sum'moh? 'Ello, Guv! What, ho, what?! Put another shrimp on the barbie! Si! That makes about as much sense as trying to predict a Perez performance on the mound!

Number 5! "He Shall Be Called" Livan Hernandez! He's old! He's experienced! He's out-of-shape! He's crafty! He's Cuban!

Bullpen!
Redemption or the Usual?

New closer! Francisco "Anything but K-Rod" Rodriguez! Can he possibly live up to the hype?? If he doesn't, the boo birds will have a new head to crap on! Yay!

J.J. Putz! Putz! We've got a pitcher called Putz! Putz! PUTZ! You hear me?? PUTZ! Can he throw? Who gives a shit! He's called Putz! PUTZ!

And the rest of the bullpen? Who cares! As long as they're good! And if they're not, there's the food at the new stadium! Shake Shack burgers! Fancy frites! Pulled pork! Fried flounder! Sushi! What? Sushi?? At a baseball field?? Whatever! We've got Putz!

Heh, heh... Putz...

Next up! Position players!

LET'S GO METS!