Republican Convention Watch 2008 - Dubya

Laura Bush is introducing her husband. I'm taking my Dramamine in anticipation of the waves of nausea that will certainly come over me.

Oh, shit. Laura's offering a boisterous defense of her husband, the worst president of all time. She seems a little pissy about having to explain to people why he's so great. She offers No Child Left Behind, his two Supreme Court justice appointees, and faith-based initiatives as proof of his genius. Um... OK. Um... Oh, Laura...

And President Bush has kept us all safe. She started by saying she was going to state some facts. But she never told us those facts would be true.

Great. Here he is, via satellite. He's touting his accomplishment with Hurricane Gustav. How'd Katrina work out for you, buddy? Oh! He said prayers! Everyone drink!

He knows what it's like to be president, he says. Well that's true, I suppose. But that doesn't mean he's done a good job. Now he's promoting McCain. And I'm getting drowsy. So I offer you an ellipses...

This human life argument makes no fucking sense to me. How can you claim to think that life is sacred and bomb the shit out of countries?

OK, more ellipses... I'm looking forward to not seeing this man's face on the TV anymore...

The crowd is holding up signs that say service. Feels sort of dirty.

Oh, Bush is done. Dull. There's no fire there. And Laura closes, touting Cindy McCain as First Lady. Oh, do we get to vote for First Lady? Awesome, because I think Florence Henderson would make a great First Lady. She proved it on "The Brady Bunch."