Guest Post - Baldy in a Battleground - Episode 3

No Substitutions, Please

I find myself in a district in this battleground state that is made up of mostly, how do you say, yuppies. Upper middle class white folk who fancy themselves to be progressives and even throw in little tidbits about themselves to let you know they are gay-tolerant, or would even consider hiring a black person to do their housework.

"Don't you just love that Carson Kressley? He's hilarious! And so queer!"

Lucky for them, Carson's not there queering up the neighborhood, something for which they thank their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ every day, even though the queers raise the hell out of property values.

One of our tasks while aboard the "Yes We Can" train is to make phone calls identifying persuadable voters. Have they chosen a candidate? What issues are most important to them? Do they lean towards one candidate or the other?

Notice I say one candidate or the other, not whom they would choose for president if the whole world was their oyster.

We're down to two choices, people. Hillary isn't running anymore. I'm sorry, upper middle-class-white-ladies-of-middle-to-advanced-age. She's just not an option.

You can get white toast or you can have home fries. You cannot have an English muffin. No substitutions! If only we had a handy menu to hand out. Welcome to Chez America. We're cooking what's fresh, and older rich white ladies are not in season.

Although that really old white dude sure does stay on the menu for a long time, even though he's way overripe. Stinky.