Mets Scouting Report! Pitching!

Greetings, B&E readers, or "Mets fans," as I like to call you these days!

That's right! Opening Day is nearly here! And I'm sure you've been asking yourself: "How will the Mets fare this year? Where the hell is the official B&E scouting report?"

It's right the hell here, Mets fans!

Only 162 games until post-season!

Pitching!
Experienced Veterans Ready to Lead, or Broken-down Old Farts in Adult Diapers? We report, you decide!

Number-One Starter! Tom "Tommy Gun" Glavine! He felt numbness in his fingertips last season! What will it be this season? A stroke? At 75-years-young he's a cantankerous wannabe hockey player, so watch for the high stick as he ekes his way toward win number 300!

Number-Two Starter! Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez! He claims he's 41! But he's Cuban, so who the fuck knows? Either way, he's got arthritis in this neck! And yet, with that high kick, his hammies are ready for duty!

More pitching!
Youthful Exuberance Ready to Unleash Its Power, or Yellow Rubes Without the Sense of a Goat? We say it, you spray it!

Number-Three Starter! John Maine! Like the state! And sunken battleship! He'll win 25 games and a Cy Young Award! Or maybe he'll suffer from the Sophomore Slump! It's possible he'll be exactly average! That covers everything!

Number-Four Starter! O-As-In-O-My-Lord Perez! He's a head case! He's got wicked stuff! He's a head case! He's got wicked stuff! Make up your mind! He's a head case with wicked stuff! Keep your eye out for the yips!

Number-Five Starter! Mike "Bats in the" Pelfrey! He's ready for prime time! He needs time to mature! Mature fast, Mikey! You're on! And keep that fastball down in the strike zone!

Even more pitching!
The Most Reliable and Durable Bullpen in Baseball, or Fragile Former Starters With Bruised Egos? We heard it, you repeat it!

Billy Wagner! Lefty power losing power! Aaron Heilman! Elbow tendinitis! Duaner Sanchez! D.L.! Chan Ho Park! Korean! Pedro Feliciano! Sultry vocals! Aaron Sele! Old! Joe Smith! Poor man's Chad Bradford! Guillermo Mota! Suspended 50 games for steroids! Scott Schoeweneweis! Third behind Grudzielanek and Mientkiewicz for hardest last name! Ambiorix Something! Cut me some slack! I remembered Ambiorix!

And Pedro! What about Pedro! We'll get one great game out of him in August! Great clubhouse guy!

Stay tuned for the scouting report on the position players!

LET'S GO METS!