2008 Presidential Spring Training

We enter the political season with hope. If you're Mike Huckabee, you enter the political season from Hope, just like Bubba Clinton.

But we don't yet know who's playing for what team, and we've got ourselves a shitload of prospects to wade through.

The current roster for Team Democrat is pretty damned crowded:

Hillary Clinton - This veteran will rely on pedigree and the reflected glory of a retired player firmly behind her, which sounds a lot dirtier than it was intended. But can she inspire the entire team? Will her reach for the middle ground compromise her talents on the field? And can she cultivate a fan base from the legions who already hate her?

John Edwards - We are finally seeing the real John Edwards. In spring training he's batting .324. But it's been mostly singles. And while a few of us appreciate the value of the on-base-percentage, at this stage in the game, people want to see some slugging. Without a demonstrative show of power at some point, Edwards is likely to be sent back down to triple-A, where he's spent the last four years fighting poverty.

Barack Obama - No one will forget how, when called up briefly to the majors in 2004, Obama hit twelve dingers in a row during the Democratic National Convention. He inspired. He spoke mightily. Then, later, he showed even more skill with a laid-back chat during which he hit another four home runs one handed. Things seemed effortless for this young player. But he's a rookie. Is he a flash in the pan? Or does he have a Hall of Fame career ahead of him? Some of us are still waiting to see.

Bill Richardson - Keep your eye on Bill. He might surprise some people. He's got a cannon for a throwing arm, and (in spite of his girth) has the speed to steal home. He's also Latino, and we've all seen how much success they've had in the majors. Is he Roberto Clemente or Rafael Landestoy?

Joe Biden - Joe is another player to watch. Especially on those occasions that he hits to the right-centerfield gap and circles the bases the wrong way.

Christopher Dodd - He pitched a perfect game last week. No one cared.

Dennis Kucinich - Dennis is a vegan, and we're not quite sure how he got into the clubhouse.

Mike Gravel and Tom Vilsack - We expect one of these two guys to be the first to get cut from the team. Maybe one of them will have a spectacular spring. But it would take a really spectacular spring for them to get noticed.

Al Gore - Al Gore claims that he's retired. The question remains: Is he retired like Roger Clemens or does he mean it?


The current roster for Team Republican is even more crowded:

Rudolph Giuliani - Rudy took over the pitching duties on 9/11, and promptly became "America's Mayor." But America's Mayor then decided that he should continue pitching for the next several years without a reliever. A moment of brilliance on the mound doesn't make up for the years of choking us New Yorkers are used to seeing.

John McCain - McCain has convinced everyone he's a moderate. One is not moderate just because one is honest. If you look at his career, he's very conservative. He's just honestly conservative. But the religious right thinks he's moderate, which will make it difficult for him to get through the primary. I have no appropriate baseball analogy for McCain. Feel free to post one in the comments section.

Sam Brownback - Former Dickhead of the Week, Brownback is popular among the right-wing zealots. He leads prayer groups in the dugout, prayer groups on the team plane, and prayer groups on the field-of-play itself. If Sam manages to make it out of the primary to lead his Team, I'd like to think that he doesn't have a prayer in winning.

Tom Tancredo - Another former Dickhead of the Week, Tancredo should be a fun player to watch. You can feel the hatred coming off him as he runs around the bases, sucker-punching all the Latino shortstops in the league. His biggest fear is that New Mexicans will cross the border into Colorado. Watch for the late-breaking curveballs.

Mike Huckabee - Most famous for losing 150 pounds, he's also from Bill Clinton's hometown. He claims he's now fit for the majors, but he's got a long way to go to convince those that count.

Mitt Romney - Romney's a switch-hitter. Once pro-choice, now pro-life. Once Mormon, now... not? But his first name is Mitt, which makes him one hell of a catcher. (I don't know, man. I'm losing steam here.)

Others - There are literally about another dozen candidates and potential candidates vying for the top spot on the roster. If any of them become relevant, I'll revisit their lack of presence here.