A Word About Beards

brandenburg beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Right now, I have a beard (and no, I don't mean the missus). Just about every winter, I grow one. I like the way it balances my bald head, and I find the extra layer of fuzz to be effective against the cold weather.

Well, The New York Times has informed me that beards are the latest trend for hipsters. Terrific. One of the hipster subjects for the article, indeed, works at a hipster magazine in hipster Williamsburg. It was just on Monday that I wrote a few words about Williamsburg, so I'll spare continued thoughts on that subject for now.

stylish beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I've always liked beards. My dad had a beard my whole life, except for a few months while he recovered from hepatitis. My Uncle Walt had a really full beard, and one of my earliest memories is sitting on his lap, and yanking on his beard as hard as I could, while he supplied the much-pleasing yelps of comic pain in between sips of martinis.

In fact, most of my uncles have had beards at one point or another with two exceptions. One is the bitter right-wing uncle, who has never gotten over the beard's association with the sixties (when our whole country went to pot), and the other was the former head of a SWAT team. A beard would have probably slowed him down too much.

spiky beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Those of you that have been following B&E for a while now know of my fascination with the World Beard and Mustache Championships, which I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn was where the accompanying photos were shot.

I was lamenting the NYTimes article to the missus last evening, telling her that this is surely a sign that I should once again be clean shaven. I don't want to be confused with a hipster, you see. But she reminded me of my dream. If I'm to represent America and compete at the World Beard and Mustache Championships, I can't be swayed by a silly journalist who hangs out with a bunch of fuzzy-faced pantywaists, hereby determining that beards are a trend. The Times is merely testing my resolve. I must stay the course. And beard-growing for such a course is a decades-long operation. And the missus has promised to stand by and support me through this arduous journey. My God, but the missus is a fine woman.

wide beard
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So now I have to rely on my wardrobe to separate me from the hipsters. Since I haven't had the money to buy any new clothes for about five years, I just have to hope that the crappy clothing I do have doesn't come around in style any time soon. It was never really very stylish to begin with, so I suspect I'm safe.

In the meantime, fuck you very much, New York Times. My face is my own; my beard is my own. And I'll have one whether or not you say it's hip.