Don't Fuck With Baldy. Thus Saith the Lord.

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Thus implieth the Lord, actually, but still, when the Lord implieth something, the message readeth clear.

Some of you familiar with the Old Testament may recall the story of Elijah riding to heaven in a fiery chariot. For those of you who don't recall that story, suffice to say, Elijah rode to heaven in a fiery chariot.

There was one witness to this event: Elijah's protege, Elisha. In the mentor/protege relationship the only regular problem they had, particularly as Elijah got older, was confusion with the name. Neighbor Lou's kid, for example, would shout, "Elisha, come out to play!" and Elijah would bound out of his comfy chair, grab his first baseman's mitt, and come outside. Lou's kid, having nothing of it, would say, "No, not you, Elijah. Elisha. E-LIE-SHA." Elijah would throw his mitt to the ground and go off to sulk, while Elisha ran off to play with Lou's kid. But that's sort of out of the scope of my discussion today.

After Elijah rode to heaven in his fiery chariot, Elisha took over the bulk of the prophesizing duties. Elijah was a heavy-hitter in the world of prophecy, so Elisha was determined to work hard and prove his mettle. And God supported him however he could.

So when, on his inaugural prophesizing journey, Elisha found himself getting mocked by some bratty children for being bald... well, let's read. The following is taken from the Revised Standard Version of the Holy Bible (the preferred version of Topeka Lutheran School), 2 Kings 2: 23-25:

"[23] [Eli'sha] went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, 'Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!'

"[24] And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.

"[25] From there he went on to Mount Carmel, and thence he returned to Sama'ria."

Yes, you read that right. The Lord sent two she-bears to maul forty-two boys, and Elisha just went on with his business.

So next time you're considering mocking your fellow man (or woman) for a lack of hair follicles, think of Elisha. Nay, think of the children.

Here endeth the lesson.