Re: Flag Desecration

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Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Dear Representative Joseph Crowley (Democrat of New York's 7th District),

I noticed that you voted in favor of amending our constitution to ban the desecration or debasement of our nation's flag.

First of all, Congressman, you should know, I'm not really into burning our flag, partly because the freedom to do so is a piece of what makes this country great. And I therefore don't want to burn the symbol of something I inherently agree with.

But I suppose if I were to be honest with you, Joe (may I call you Joe?), the main reason I don't burn flags is that I have an irrational fear of fire, the way that some people fear snakes or spiders or Republicans.

But, Joe, since the amendment covers all desecration or debasement, not just burning, I was hoping you could answer some questions...

- Can I step on it, if it's part of an art exhibition that I had no role in creating?

- Can I draw one on a chalkboard and then erase it?

- Can a baby wear flag diapers? Can a senior citizen or war veteran?

- Can I wrap my naked body with our flag? Could an obese person? What if the body wrapped was really smokin' (but not burning)?

- Can clowns throw flag pies into one another's faces? Would it be OK if I watched? What if I promised not to laugh?

- Can I eat a piece of flag cake at a 4th of July picnic? What if I promised to do it without any irony? What if I hummed our National Anthem while I chewed? What if someone drops a flag cake and ruins it? Would candles on a flag cake be acceptable?

I hope we can keep the lines of communication open, Congressman Joe, as I want to do everything I can to ensure that I don't inadvertently debase or desecrate our fine nation's fine flag.

Thanks, Joe. It's Democrats like you that keep the focus on the important issues of the day.

Hope this finds you and the family well.

Sincerely,
Dan
Sunnyside, Queens